The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie Saga
by Justice4243
Summary: A former pink pony finds herself in a new, hostile world and a new friend who's perhaps even more hostile. A small, angry man finds himself with a new friend he didn't want. Can they make it through this new misadventure together, or is it the universe that needs to watch out for them?
1. Prologue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 1 Prologue

Pinkie Pie looked towards the silhouette of her friend Twilight Sparkle, who was sitting in front of the window of Rarity's Boutique. Pinkie was being kept away from any windows so she couldn't be seen from the outside.

_Being quiet is bad, enough, but am I really not allowed to look outside?!_

_Oh, I hope this things go away or try to be friendly, at least…_

These "things"were very hard to see in the darkness, and had picked a good night to attack. It was bad enough that it was night, but clouds blocked the moon and rain violently pounded the outside.

"Don't worry Twilight! I'm SURE they just want to make friends!" Pinkie said, hopefully.

Twilight glanced behind her at her bubbly, pink pony friend. "I don't think so Pinkie."

"Yeah," Rainbow Dash spoke up, "Friends _usually_ don't demand to have you handed over and try to kidnap ya'."

"_MAYBE _they just have an extra _special _surprise for me!" Pinkie said, smiling. Though, she was having trouble getting her smiles to look genuine at this point.

"Darling," Rarity put a hoof on Pinkie's shoulder. "I'm not sure what sort of surprises sinister-looking shapeless blue, black clouds have, but it's doubtful you want to find out."

"You said it, partner." Applejack added "I don't know what those things were but they're nothin' but trouble."

"Do you think they maybe gave up?" Fluttershy asked, timid as always.

"I doubt that, Fluttershy." Twilight responded. "They seemed to really want Pinkie for some reason." She added with concern

Applejack spoke up, "Well, I just hope Spike gets back here soon. Not being able to kick these things has got me mighty unsettled."

Twilight went back to scanning the darkness outside of Rarity's boutique. These "shapeless blue, black clouds" had identified themselves as "The Order Keepers" and demanded that "_Princess_ Twilight Sparkle" hand over "The Warper" as she and her friends where out prepping for a storm the Pegasi had scheduled. Before Twilight had time to answer, Pinkie popped out and tried to welcome them. Their immediate response was to shift into a large mass and encircle the pink pony, like some sort of sinister looking snake made out of storm clouds.

Twilight had used her magic to keep them at bay. But as Pinkie's other friends came to their aid, it became apparent that these things did little more than billow out of the way of physical attacks.

Twilight had held them off long enough for the others to run to Rarity's and keep quiet. She then sent Spike off to fetch the elements of Harmony, the only thing she thought would help in this situation.

_What's taking Spike so long! Oh, I almost wish I had gone with him! But…_

Twilight stole a small glance at Rarity.

…_I'm not sure Rarity has enough raw magic power to simply blast these things to keep them away._

_They were only after Pinkie, though…Oh, __**please**__ just ignore Spike…_

"Do you think he'll be here soon?" Fluttershy asked meekly, the soft voice rousing Twilight from her own thoughts.

"Oh, don't worry about Spiky-wiky. He's a tough little dragon." Rarity offered.

"Darn tootin'! He once took out a giant timberwolf with a single rock!" Applejack added.

"Ah, Applejack, I don't think 'a rock' is going to help much against these things." Rainbow Dash retorted.

"Rainbow Dash, when are you going to learn there are just some things you're better off keeping to yourself?" Applejack responded, closing the distance between her and the blue pegasus.

"_**STOP FIGHTING**_!" Pinkie Pie yelled at the pair, her voice going shrill. "Spike will be back with the Elements of Harmony in **no** time, and we'll be able to resolve this peacefully, then we can all have a giant party at Sugarcube Corner, and everything will be _just fine_! You'll see." Pinkie attempted a smile as shivers wracked her body.

Everypony turned to look at Pinkie. Her perky and optimistic attitude seemed to be visibly crumbling at this point, and it was becoming apparent that she was as shaken up by recent events as anypony, possible more even.

Twilight looked back out the window and her face lit up. "He's back!" She opened the door without a second thought.

"Hey girl! I grabbed the Elements just like you asked!" Spike cheerfully help up a box that was even bigger than the little dragon himself.

"Good work Spike. Now we just…" Twilight was cut short as she noticed dozens of glowing eyes behind Spike. Before anyone could react, a deep blue bolt shot out from the swirling mass and quickly closed in on Pinkie. From somewhere in the shadows of the boutique, a red energy blast intercepted it and before she could so much as scream, Pinkie's vision went blue and red as both bolts struck her.

Pinkie's world instantly shifted to a swirling vortex of color as she felt her limbs being stretched out and her fur give way to some sort of fabric. The swirling void soon shifted to hard and solid ground.

She tried to stand back up on her hoofs but realized her back legs were now substantially longer and that her front hoofs had apparently been replaced by…something that ended with digits of some sort.

_What did Twilight call them?_

_Oh yeah, "hands". _

She steadied herself against a large pole covered in various flyers as she came to her…"feet" she remembered them being called.

She had made Twilight tell the story of how she went to the human world, over and over again so she at least had SOME idea of what was going on.

Her fur had apparently been replaced with a blue and white top with a heart in the middle and a pink skirt that prominently bared her cutie mark. She let go of the pole and steadied herself on her blue boots that had white laces with pink bows at the top.

She looked around at her surroundings. She was outside, and just her luck, it was pouring rain down here as well. She also seemed to be carrying a large, pink handbag of some sort.

Lights lit up streets in all directions, and not a single direction looked inviting.

As she was pondering what to do next, a large, tall figure stepped out of a nearby ally.

Pinkie turned to great her new friend, but her smile quickly turned to dread as she looked at the imposing figure above her. The hungry look in his eyes didn't make Pinkie confident that he was here to make friends, but always the optimist, she figured it couldn't hurt to try.

"My…my name's Pinkie Pie? What's yours", stammered out.

"Heh, names aren't important now. What's important is that you have something I want." The large man said grimly. "Let's start with that nice looking computer case, shall we? And then we can see where the night takes us from there."

Pinkie backed up a few inches against the pole, not having time to dwell on the sensation in her knee. She tried to fight past her fear to get a scream out.

As the man reached out for her, an angry voice rang out behind him.

"HEY, _GLANDULAR PROBLEM_! You're in the way."

The large man turned and Pinkie moved her head so they both can see the owner of the voice, a short man wearing jeans and a green jacket over a black shirt that prominently displayed the word "Jerk" on it. The look on his face seemed to be an equal amount of pure rage and annoyance as he gritted pointing looking teeth.

Pinkie wasn't sure if she was saved or if the night had just gotten worse.


	2. Chapter 1

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys Chapter 1 Dan Vs. Mugger

The large man turned back to his prey briefly. "Stay there" he commanded.

Pinkie wasn't sure if she was up to _getting_ very far on her new legs. Anyhow, part of her wanted to see how this played out.

"Listen, buddy." The large man walked within inches of the smaller, angry man and stood tall just to help point out he stood a good foot or more taller than his opponent. "I think you better move on. This ain't your business."

The angry man grinned "And _**I **_think you better stop, drop and, roll, pal."

The smell of burning fabric caught the large man's attention as he looked down to see a hip flask that had some of its contents spilled onto him, a lighter which had IGNIGHTED said contents, and the important fact that his clothing was, in fact, on fire.

His tough guy act evaporated in an instant as his voice gave way to panicked screaming and flailing at his fiery clothing.

"Listen, buddy. Maybe you didn't hear me, I said **STOP.."**, The angry man threw a right hook that caught the large, failing man right on the jaw. "..**DROP..**", he followed with a well-placed kick to the man's knee that caused him to lose his footing and hit the ground _hard_. "..and **ROLL**" The angry man launched a flurry of kicks to the larger man's gut. The would-be mugger dropped a small box from his pocket and fled into the street, a run cut short by a blue sedan rounding the corner and slamming into the bulk.

The driver door flew open, and a tall, lanky, man in flip-flops, khakis, and an orange button-up shirt over a blue shirt quickly emerged. "Oh my gosh, oh my GOSH! Don't tell me I hit ANOTHER cyclist!"

"Niiiiiiice assist, Chris!" The angry man called at the driver.

"Dan, I can't keep going out with you like this if it means vehicular manslaughter."

"Relax, Chris." Dan responded, putting his arm around his much larger friend and pointing an assertive finger at him. "You just took out a mugger fleeing the scene of an attempted crime. We're pretty much heroes here."

Chris expression visibly brightened, "Really?"

Pinkie just stared at the scene, her brain trying desperately to catch up with what she just witnessed.

"Hey, he dropped loot." Dan bent down to pick up the small box the man left. He opened it up to reveal a handful of small cylindrical objects.

"Dan, you don't smoke. In fact, you lecture on and on about how cigarettes are just a tool to keep"-Chris raised his hands for some air quotes-"_the moron population down_."

"Listen, if you defeat someone you're supposed to eat their heart to absorb their power, and since I'm not a cannibal…"

Dan, put one of the cigarettes to his mouth and lit the tip with his golden zippo lighter. In the dark rainy night, as the small flame lit his face, Pinkie couldn't help but think to herself that Dan looked pretty cool.

Dan took a puff and his face went green as he started a hacking cough that brought him to his knees. Pinkie stumbled over to help him up as Dan tossed the cigarette angrily on the ground "HE TIRED TO POISON ME." Dan leaned on Pinkie as he delivered a few well-placed kicks into the large man's gut who softly grunted in reply.

"Dan, you lit the wrong end."

Dan regained his footing, "CHRIS, WHY DID YOU LET ME SMOKE THIS! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!"

Chris rolled his eyes. Before Dan could continue his tirade, a high pitched voice interrupted his vitriol.

"THAT WAS _AAAAMAAAAAZING_!" Pinkie Pie threw her arms around Dan's neck and embraced him tightly "THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUSOMUCH!" She stood a good few inches above the rather short man, and he found her grip surprisingly strong.

Dan's face turned red as he struggled to breathe, "Chris, help! This girl is obviously part of some dastardly trap to kill me!"

"I'm pretty sure she's just thanking you."

Pinkie's grip loosened, "That's EXACTLY what she WANTS you to think." Dan said leveling an accusing finger at Chris.

"And thank YOU, too!" Pinkie threw her arms around Chris's torso and he smiled, enjoying the very rare occasion of one of Dan's revenge schemes doing some good for a change.

"Great, we're thanked. Can you move along? We're kinda busy…"

"Ohmygosh, _OHMYGOSH _that guy was all gonna grab me, and then _fwoosh"-_Pinkie spread her hands out and wiggled her new fingers to simulate fire- "Then you were like _pow"-_Pinkie threw a punch in the air for effect-"right in his _face_! And then _snap_"-Pinkie kicker her leg out-"Right to the knee, and WHAAA"-Pinkie lost her footing and fell strait to the ground.

Chris and Dan watched this display with very different expressions. Chris had a blank look focused on the girl, while Dan, as always, looked annoyed.

As quickly as she had fallen, Pinkie stood back up, "I'm ooookaaaay!" she assured.

"Dan, did you set that man on fire?"

Dan giggled to himself, "Heheh, yeah…"

"Since when do you carry a hip flask?" Chris asked pointing to the flask that Dan had shoved back into his pocket.

"Since I _needed_ some fuel on me to quickly start fires! Keep up, will you!"

"Don't tell me there's gasoline in that thing."

"What am I, psychotic?"

Chris opened his mouth to answer, than thought better of it.

"It's Everclear." Dan turned to face Pinkie, "Well it's been weird, erm…"

"Oh my gosh! I'm being _sooo_ rude! My name is Pinkamena Diane Pie! But you can call me Pinkie!" Pinkie smiled from ear to ear.

"Riiiiight…" Dan leaned in closer to Chris and moved his hand in close so only Chris could hear, "What kind of stupid name is that?"

Chris ignored Dan and extended his hand. "Hi! I'm Chris".

Pinkie tentatively extended her hand looked at it, then grabbed Chris's hand and gave it a vigorous shake.

"Daaan, would you like to introduce yourself to the nice la-_OW_!" Dan threw a quick punch to Chris's arm.

"You talk to me like a child, I _punchy_ you!"

Pinkie giggled, "Dan, was it." Pinkie extended her hand.

Dan looked down at her hand, glared, and spit in it.

"DAN! That is not how we make friends!"

"WHAT DID I JU…" much to both Chris's and Dan's surprise, Pinkie then spit in her own hand and quickly reached for Dan's and gave it a good shake.

"Does this mean we're extra, SUPER, special friends!?" She said with a smile.

"EWW! GROSS! UNSANITARY! UNHAND ME WENCH!" Dan said, trying try pry his hand back out of Pinkie's very moist grasp.

The signs of a smile quickly entered into Chris's face and gave way to uproarious laughter.

Dan whirled around to face Chris, "And _**you**_! Stop encouraging her!"

Pinkie giggled, "You two are _REALLY_ funny."

Dan glared at her, "Well _PINKIE_," his voice laced with venom, "it's been weird and gross, but we need to get going, and…"

"Go? Go…right…" Pinkie started to pout, looked down, and absently mindedly started playing with her skirt as rain pelted her.

Dan just glared, not sure how to react.

Chris broke the silence, "Hey, Pinkie. How about I give you a ride somewhere."

Pinkie's eyes lit up "Really, _**really**_?! That would be _**amazing**_!"

"_**WHAT?! **_No way! Uh-uh there's no way that.." Dan quickly found a hand covering his mouth as Chris dragged him off to the side.

"Ouch", Chris pulled his hand away and gave it a shake. "You bit me!"

"That's what you get for manhandling me, you ape. And before you say something, no, she is _**NOT**_ coming with us."

"OK. FIRST. It's my car, and if I want to give her a ride, I will."

"TREACHERY! THIS WILL NOT STAND!"

"TWO. For ONCE after dozens, _if not hundreds, _of schemes. I ACTULLY feel really good about what happened. And you're NOT going to take that away from me."

Dan went silent, folded his arms, and looked to the side.

"THIRD. I can't in good conscious just leave her to wander the streets of Van Nuys to be picked up by the _next _mugger/potential rapist that happens upon her."

Dan attempted another tactic, whining to get his way. "But SHE'S all huggy, and loud, and icky…"

"FOURTH. It is POURING rain and I don't want to be out here getting drenched as we put out your stupid flyers."

"The noble war on the apostrophe MUST continue!"

"Can't it wait 'till its daylight, and NOT pouring rain?"

Dan mumbled a few obscenities under his breath and answered, "Fine, but let me finish up here."

Chris smiled and waved to Pinkie as Dan approached her.

"SO! What are we going to do first?! Huh? _Huh_? Oh I just know we're going to be the bestest of friends for ever, and EVER, and…"

"You talk too much." Dan said coldly.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I know I tend to ramble and it annoys some ponies and I should really learn…"

Dan raised an eyebrow at "ponies" but instead answered, "You're _in_ my way, pink girl."

"Oh, I…" Pinkie shifted over allowing Dan to approach the pole she had been standing in front of.

Dan pulled out a now rather crinkled sheet of paper and a staple gun and affixed it to the pole. He smiled admiring his handy work.

"So, ummm…Dan…."

Dan turned to face Pinkie and moved his face within inches of hers, causing Pinkie to shift back a couple inches. "I don't _like_ you."

"Oh well, I'm sure when you get to know me we'll be great friends."

"I already have ONE minion", Dan motioned to Chris who had entered the car "I don't need another." Dan kept walking

"ONE minio…I mean _friend?! _No WAY! I can never have enough friends!"

Dan turned on his heels, "LISTEN! I'm sure this shtick tricks plenty of other saps, but…"

Dan was interrupted by a horn honking.

"Dan! Leave the poor girl alone! We need to get her out of the rain."

"GAHHHH!" Dan yelled in frustration and trudged towards to the car.

Pinkie grabbed her bag and simply stood around looking pensive.

Before Chris could say anything he witnessed Dan pour the rest of the contents of his hip flask onto the unconscious man in front of his car, and before he could get out an "Oh dear." Dan leaned in and lit the contents on fire, causing the previously unconscious man to wake up, scream in pain, and flee on his broken body off into the night.

Pinkie simply stared in disbelief, and muttered, "Sooo cool", to herself.

Dan looked back and scowled. "ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?!" He yelled.

Pinkie smiled hard enough to make a tiny squee sound and bounded to the car, falling once on the way over, and quickly picking herself back up.

"Seriously?" Dan asked from the passenger seat as he buckled up. "She can't even WALK right."

"Dan, did you HAVE to set that man on fire…_AGAIN_?!"

"Chris, I already told you, we're doing a SERVICE here."

Chris said nothing and watched Pinkie through his side view mirror.

"Dan…ummm…I don't think she knows how to open car doors." Chris said in a tone of genuine surprise.

"What? _Seriously_?!" Dan looked out the window to see a perplexed Pinkie Pie staring at one of the car doors. "This is unbelievable!"

Dan quickly undid his seatbelt and exited the car. He walked over to the driver side backseat door, shoved Pinkie back a few feet, and then opened the door.

"Ooooooooooh." Pinkie uttered as if she had just achieved some sort of enlightenment watching Dan open the car door with his hand.

"GET IN THERE!" Dan yelled, roughly pushing Pinkie into the back seat.

Pinkie fell face first into the back and a small stack of papers which flew everywhere.

"AND DON'T MESS THOSE UP! THEY'RE PART OF AN IMPORTANT AGENDA AGAINST THE ENGLISH LAUNGUAGE."

Pinkie sat upright and quickly tried to fix the pile of papers she had just messed up with her face, or rather, the pile Dan had messed up with her face, though the distinction was lost on her at this point.

Chris shot his friend a look that said, "Really? You _really_ just pushed a girl like that?" as Dan reentered the car and buckled up

Dan shot HIM a look that just screamed "mind your own damn business."

Pinkie, finished with the papers she could grab, sprung upright in the seat. "I'm up!" she said to the two men in front.

Dan sighed and shook his head as Chris started the car and continued forward.

"It's going to be a loooong night", Dan thought.


	3. Chapter 2

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys Chapter 2 Pinkie Vs. Seatbelt

"So…what do you think?" Dan whispered to his buddy in the driver seat as the car pulled along

Pinkie held up one of Dan's flyers to her face and squinted at it intently as street lights washed the inside of the car in light to return to dark, over and over again.

"I just think she's a poor, lost girl who wandered a little further than she meant," Chris answered.

"Yes, because that _TOTALLY_ explains why such concepts such as _car doors _and_ walking _elude her."

"Well, where do you think she came from?"

"I already told you! She's obviously a spy of some sort sent to kill me."

"Dan, I don't think she's a spy."

"Give me one good reason why my spy hypotheses wouldn't work!"

"She's awfully uncoordinated for a spy."

"Pshaw!" Dan waved his hand dismissively, "She's _obviously _just doing that to lead us into a false sense of security."

"She's laying it on awfully thick, then, don't you think?" Chris said, raising his eyebrows for emphasis.

"OK, so she's a _bad_ spy!"

"Do you think they teach spies to pretend to not understand car doors as part of their _elaborate_ act to get close to a target?"

"I DON'T KNOW! I'M NOT AN EXPERT ON SPIES!"

"Gee, your right. Guess I'll just call _MY_ _WIFE_ and ask her what she thinks!"

Dan's eyes narrowed. "Touché, Chris. Touché."

"Anyway," Chris added. "If she had _any_ sort of weapon, she probably could have taken us _both_ out when she thanked us."

Dan began to look like he was going to retort, but was interrupted as Pinkie bursts into fits of laughter.

Dan turned to see the young lady holding one of his fliers as laughter continued to erupt from her.

"And what do you think is so amusing?"

"Thi—hehe-this -PFFFT HAHAHAHAHA –This comic is _REALLY_ funny -hehe!"

"GIVE ME _**THAT**__!_" Dan snatched the piece of paper out of Pinkies hand, neatly folded it, and roughly stuffed it in his jacket pocket. "That is _not _a comic! It is a call to arms!"

"Dan, I'm pretty sure that thing was satirical in nature," Chris interjected.

"I will NOT sit here and let you besmirch the great Notley's work that way!" Dan glanced back at Pinkie. "_**CHRIS STOP THE CAR, RIGHT NOW**_!"

Chris let out a confused and alarmed sound and slammed his foot on the break pedal.

Pinkie, likewise, let out a confused and alarmed sound and slammed her face into the transmission hump console as her body lurched forward with nothing to stop it.

"Dan! What the hell?!" Chris demanded.

"Owie…." Pinkie mumbled as she slowly got up, rubbing her forehead.

"And _THAT_, Children, is why we buckle up when we get in a car."

Pinkie stared at Dan blankly, still leaning forward, her face several inches from his.

Dan closed the distance to less than two inches "_**SIT DOWN AND PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON**_!" he roared in her face.

Pinkie sprung back into the driver's side rear passenger's seat. Still maintaining eye contact with Dan. "Um…erm…" she blushed and gave an embarrassed smile. "What's a seat belt?"

Dan stared at her shocked, even Chris had turned back at this point to stare at her wide-eyed and in disbelief.

"Unbelievable," Dan muttered, face palming and dragging his hand down his face. He undid his own seatbelt, and leaned on the transmission hump so he could better indicate what he was talking about with his hands.

"Grab the buckle." Dan said pointing at the buckle, which Pinkie grabbed.

"Now grab the metal tongue." Dan pointed to the metal tongue of the seatbelt, hanging off the belt. Pinkie obediently grabbed it.

"I thought the metal part was the buckle." Chris interrupted.

"NO, you SIMPLETON! The BUCKLE is the female end, and the TONGUE is the male end!"

"Are they married?" Pinkie asked.

"SHUT UP! Now put the tongue into the hole on the buckle." Dan commanded.

Pinkie did as commanded, heard a satisfying "click" sound. Then let go, quite pleased with herself.

"There, was that so hard?"

Chris smiled and pushed his foot down hard on the accelerator, causing the car to lurch forward and Dan to slip and slam his chest on the transmission hump. Pinkie looked surprised for a second, then stifled a giggle with her hand.

Dan turned around and pointed accusingly at Chris, "YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!" He snarled, wheezing to catch his breath.

"Sorry, I thought we were all buckled in." Chris's grin grew wider. "It's dangerous to be in a car with your seatbelt off, you know?"

Pinkie's hand proved insufficient to stifle her laugh and laughter filled the car once more.

Dan let out a series of incomprehensible rage growls and attempted to lunge at Chris who quickly tapped the accelerator again, causing Dan to wobble.

Dan sat back down and buckled his seatbelt, then they were off again.

"So, anyone hungry?" Chris asked.

Dan made a disgusted sound, "You're _always_ hungry."

"Hey, taking down a mugger is hard work. I think we deserve a break."

"_**I **_took out the mugger." Dan said, pointing towards himself. "YOU," Dan pointed back at Chris, "just barreled into him with your car."

"Look, do you want a burger or not?"

Dan grumbled "You're paying…"

"Oh like _THAT'S _a surprise!" Chris said rolling his eyes.

"Don't get snippy!" Dan said, leveling the next in a series of dozen accusing fingers at Chris once more.

Chris continued driving, glanced behind him and asked, "Are you hungry? Are burgers OK?"

Pinkie looked down as her stomach as it growled in reply; she had no clue what a "burger" was, but the pout in her face and small whimper as she looked at Chris with puppy-dog eyes made her response quite clear.

"Great!" Chris said excitedly. "And I think milkshakes are in order, too!"

"Oh, I see! Let's all get something _DAN _can't have!"

"Look, I can get you a slushy, instead."

Dan thought about this for half a second, "_Fine_! But only if they have cherry flavor." He insisted.

"Dan, they've never NOT had cherry."

"DO YOU KISS YOUR WIFE WITH THAT FILTHY MOUTH, MR. DOUBLE NEGATIVE?!" Dan sneered.

Chris sighed. Was it _that_ much to ask he was thanked instead of screamed at for offering to pay for his friend's food…_AGAIN_?

"I'll just take whatever you two recommend…" Pinkie said tentatively.

Dan turned his torso in his seat to face her and leveled an angry finger at her. "YOU'LL EAT OUR SCRAPS AND **LIKE IT**! YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

Pinkie looked away for a couple seconds and rested her chin on her finger as she pondered a response. She then looked back at Dan and smiled. "I was the bait." She said as her warm smile turned smug.

Dan's face contorted into an angry scream, but no sound came out. He quickly turned around to face forward, crossed his arms, and put a sullen look on his face.

"Then it's settled! Burgers for everyone! Hurray!" Chris said excitedly.

"Can, you order for me, please, Mr. Chris?" Pinkie asked.

"Heh, it's just 'Chris'." Chris responded.

Dan rolled his eyes. "Hey, let's go inside. I'm soaked." He turned to glare at Pinkie once more. "SOME _PONY_," he said, sneering at the word "pony", "Had us out in the POURING RAIN to SAVE her sorry butt."

Pinkie's smile quickly turned back to a pout as she let out a small whimper.

"It's going to be a loooong night", she thought.


	4. Chapter 3

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 1 Chapter 3: Dan Vs. Apologies

Pinkie bounded around her new, bright surroundings "Oh, oh! What's THIS?! Oh my gosh! What's that?!" She dashed from place to place constantly slipping, tripping, and all and all getting to know the ground quite well.

Dan followed the hyperactive young adult girl with his eyes but said nothing, his regular grumpy expression plastered on his face.

"Let's see…" Chris said examining the menu, "Two double third pound cheese meals, crazy sized, one with fries the other with onion rings, both with chocolate shakes, a double bacon cheese stuffed bacon burger, a regular third pound cheese meal, and two apple pies."

"Hey, Chris; I thought you were supposed to put in _her_ order as well." Dan said snidely.

"It's IN there!" Chris insisted.

Dan sighed, "One PLAIN burger, just MEAT and a bun. If I find cheese on it, your life is forfeit! Also, a medium sized cherry slushy"

The bored looking cashier rung up everything. "That'll be $32.73".

Chris dug out his wallet and grabbed a few green bills.

Pinkie ran over, losing her footing for the dozenth time since she entered Burgerphile and crashed into the counter. She grabbed hold of the counter top and slowly climbed her way up. "What's THAT?" She asked, pointing at the green bills in Chris's hands. Almost losing her grip in the process.

"_That_, my dear statistic waiting to happen, is what we call _money_. You can use it to exchange for goods and services." Dan answered.

Pinkie slowly climbed to her feet using the counter top for balance, stuck out her tongue, and put on an annoyed face. "I _KNOW _how money works! We just don't use paper where I'm from."

"Oh really?" Chris asked, "Where's that? England?" He offered.

"They DO have paper money in Great Britain, you nit-wit." Dan said, annoyed, as always.

"I thought they used pounds."

"They _have_ paper pounds!"

"A whole pound of paper? That sounds inconvenient." Pinkie added.

"I swear to God,"-Dan turned his palms upward a furrowed his brow—"it's like you're constantly trying to top yourself with the stupid things you say."

Pinkie narrowed her eyes, her face framed by her currently wet and matted hair. She knew she was new here, owed Dan a great bit, and was probably a bit of a burden on her two new friends, but even she had limits on how much verbal abuse she could take in a night.

"Are there paper Euro's?" Chris asked.

"_I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF MONEY THEY USE IN EUROPA_! Do I LOOK like an astronomer!?"

"Sirs? Your order..?" The cashier asked.

"Oh right." Chris looked at the money in his hand. "Shoot, I'm a bit short. Dan, could you…"

"No, and HOW DARE you even think of asking. Just take out her food from the order." Dan said, pointing his thumb at Pinkie, "Ketchup packets are enough for her."

"Dan, there's no need to pick on her so much."

"Just figure it out Chris! You're holding up the line!"

Chris scanned the restaurant, it was empty save the three of them and the small amount of staff behind the counter.

Meanwhile, Pinkie had started digging through her new, pink laptop bag; dug out a similarly pink wallet which she recognized as roughly same in shape to the one Chris was holding. She opened it up, grinned, and pulled out a bill.

"Will this help?" She asked optimistically.

"Thanks, Pinkie, though that's not quite..."

"That's a one dollar bill, you idiot. _Captain Feed Bags _here is short at least five dollars."

Pinkie looked back into her wallet and pulled out another bill, this one had a couple more zeros on it.

"Will this work?" She asked inquisitively.

Dan and Chris, once again, put on shocked expressions aimed in Pinkie's direction.

"Ma'am, we can't take any bills over a $50."

"Oh! Okie Dokie Lokie." Pinkie shoved the bills back and fetched a $50 bill and handed it to the cashier. The Cashier, held it up to the light, marked it with a pen, then opened up the register and put the bill inside.

Dan put on his best _talking to a child _voice. "Now the nice man is going to figure out the difference between what you gave him and what we owed and gi…"

"**I KNOW HOW CHANGE WORKS, YOU CONDESCENDING **_**JACK- $#**_**!**" Pinkie screamed in Dan's face.

Chris looked surprise while Dan likewise, looked surprised and took a couple steps back. His face contorted to one of anger to match Pinkies, and he and Pinkie took a couple steps closer to each other leading with their angry faces.

Before either could say anything, or worse, throw a punch. Chris put his hands on their shoulders and put his much larger body in between the two. "Hey! I have an idea. Pinkie, why don't you dry yourself off in the restroom, while Dan and I will find a both for us."

"_Okie Dokie Lokie_" Pinkie said through gritted teeth. She spun, scanned her surroundings, located the sign that said "RESTROOMS", grabbed her bag, walked off with body language that showed that she was fuming, tripped once on the way over, shot back up to her feet while maintain the same rigid, angry walk, arrived at the restroom doors, looked as if she was pondering what the symbols meant, glanced down at her own skirt, smiled, then pushed her way into the woman's restroom.

Dan and Chris watched the display as Pinkie entered the restroom, then found a booth to sit in. Chris slid to the end of one side, while Dan lounged in his side; occupying the whole seat.

"Dan, don't you think you're being just _wee_ bit too hard on her?" Chris asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"_ME!? _She _started_ it!"

"Dan, you _know_ that's not true."

Dan folded his arms, looked away, and grumbled something incomprehensible.

"_Maybe_," Chris continued, "you should apologize to her."

"I don't see why I…"

"She _did_ pay for your meal."

"She paid for _yours_, too."

"Dan…"

"OK, OK, OK! I'll try to be nicer to her."

"Aaaaaand..?"

Dan grumbled.

"Dan..?"

"I'll apologize, OK!?"

Chris sat back, satisfied.

"What is _TAKING_ her so long?"

"Dan, her clothes and her hair where completely drenched. It'll probably take her a while to get dried off."

"She probably doesn't even know how to use the hand driers…" Dan grumbled.

Chris thought about this for a second and realized Dan was very likely right. He decided to change the subject. "I wonder why our food is taking so long."

"Chris," Dan began, mimicking his friends tone from a few second ago "you ordered enough food to feed a third world nation. It'll probably take the small staff a while to make it all."

Chris sighed and glanced back at the restrooms.

"It's going to be a loooong night", he thought.


	5. Chapter 4

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 1 Chapter 4: Pinkie Vs. Meat

Author's Note: This is _not_ intended to be a commentary on the position of vegetarianism vs an omnivore diet. I don't think any of the characters in this story are really suitable mouth pieces for that sort of agenda, anyhow. I hope the treatment of this subject doesn't offend anyone. I just think the consuming of meat would be something Pinkie would run into and have to deal with sooner or later and Dan's not exactly the sort of person you turn to for a balanced discussion of a potentially touchy subject.

Thanks for reading!

Pinkie looked at her reflection in the large bathroom mirror and let out a sigh.

For her, being another species was easy enough to adjust to, but in addition to being a complete mess, she was collecting bruises at a fast pace with her constant tripping, stumbling, and falling. The worst one showed prominently on her forehead, courtesy of Dan teaching her a lesson on the importance of proper vehicle safety.

Pinkie grabbed a large length of paper towel from the dispenser and started toweling her wet hair and clothing. Despite the bruise, it was _her_ treatment of Dan that mostly occupied her thoughts. OK, so _yes _he _deserved _to be yelled at with how he was talking to her, but that doesn't mean she should have done it.

And besides, he seemed like he was trying to help, albeit in a rather tough and unconventional way.

Also he had almost assuredly saved her life…

Pinkie resolved to apologize to Dan when she exited the bathroom.

…

Now what in the heck were those bulgy things on the wall with the other, chrome bulge sticking out of THAT, and the button..?

…

Well, STAIRING at it certainly wasn't going to answer her question. Pinkie walked over and pushed the button and a loud noise emitted from the device. Pinkie instinctively backed away and covered her face with her arms while keeping an eye on the device.

It didn't SEEM to be dangerous.

She tentatively reached out a hand and touched the metal bulge on the device, it was warm.

She waved her hand under it and determined the device blew hot air. She smiled to herself. Looks like she could at least DRY her hair.

"Hmmmm…" Pinkie decided to take stock of her belongings and carefully examined the contents of her bag.

In addition to her wallet; she had a flat, silver, rectangular object with some strange markings on it, roughly a foot and a half across, and another foot wide; a second, much smaller flat rectangular object in a pink flip case; a pink compact mirror; a small CAMERA (Pinkie was particularly excited about the camera), a couple of cords with metal parts protruding out of either end, and, she was in luck, a pink hair brush.

She pondered who would send her here with such supplies, and why they would think to make most the items her favorite color. She briefly thought of her friends.

"Oh, I hope they're all OK," she thought to herself. The fact that those things were after HER specifically was some comfort.

She'd have to wait to figure out the rectangles later. Dan and Chris were undoubtedly waiting on her, and she didn't want to give Dan any more reasons to be mad at her.

Pinkie sat on the floor under the hand driers, positioned them so the air would blow directly on her, and proceeded to brush her hair while using the mirror.

It wasn't long before the pink, wet, matted mess was a pink, dry, curly mess.

She sat up and looked herself over in the mirror. "Perfect!" she thought, despite the large bump on her head. She grabbed the camera, examined it carefully, and tried a few buttons. Eventually, it turned on with a beep, a little music fan-fare, and a screen on the back showed what the camera was pointing at.

"Wow! Fancy AND SMANCY!" She said to herself. She positioned herself in the mirror and snapped a photo. The camera made an electronic "click" sound. She stared at the screen and much to her delight, it showed her exactly what she just took. She smiled giddy with delight, packed everything but the camera, slung the bag over her shoulder, grabbed the camera and exited the restroom.

"Undercover cop." Dan posed to his friend Chris.

Chris thought for a second, "That's basically the same idea as your "spy hypothesis" except she arrests you instead of kills you. Plus, she witnessed you set a man on fire. I doubt she'd be holding out for something else to arrest you on."

Dan rested his chin and mouth on his hand and concentrated, he STILL hadn't figured out what Pinkie's game was. Chris had successfully shot down all his theories, from "undercover cop" to "robot" (she bruised) and even "another attempt to get him on reality TV" (Chris had reminded him that Elise and Chris where pretty much the only two people who really enjoyed watching any of the shows he was featured on). Dan was starting to get annoyed with his friends ability to pick his theories apart. And Dan was usually so good at this…

Just then, Chris and Dan heard "Say CHEESE!"

Chris quickly looked up and put on his best photo face. Dan screamed "I HATE CHEESE." There was a click followed by Pinkie examining the photo she just took.

She sat down next to Chris, and before either man could say anything she burst out with: "OK, so I'm sorry I yelled at you, I'm just really, really, not used to any of this, and I know it can't be easy for you to keep taking care of me, and I really appreciate it, and I'm really, really, _really_…"

_-Dan positioned a ketchup packet on the table…-_

"…glad you came along and saved me when I did. I don't know _**what**_…"

_-…took aim...-_

"…I would have done without you, probably be lying in a _filthy ditch __**right now **_if…"

_-…positioned his fist over the ketchup packet...-_

"it weren't for you, so once again I'm sorry I screamed at you and called you a jack- $#, I actually really, really, REALLY, _**REALLY **_want to be your friend, and…"

_-..Chris leaned over the table to grab Dan's hand and waved a shame on you finger at him. Dan sighed.-_

"…did I mention how sorry I was?"

…Yeah, that sounded a lot more concise in Pinkie's head when she practiced on the way back from the bathroom…

Dan waved his hand dismissively, "Don't worry about it." He said nonchalantly.

"_**Really**_?!" Pinkie said excitedly, leaning forward on the table.

"Yes…Really."

"Dan, don't _you_ have something to say?"

Dan glared at Chris.

At least this was a little easier since she had apologized first.

"I'msorry", Dan said, barely audible.

"Dan, you'll have to be louder than that."

"I said "I'm sorry", OK!"

Pinkie smiled, extended her hand, remembered something, spit on it and extended it again. "You're forgiven."

Dan glared at her hand, but his lips curled into a smile, spat in his own hand, grabbed hers and gave it a shake. "Likewise." He said. He quickly retracted his hand and gave it a wipe with some napkins on the table.

Pinkie followed suit.

The bored cashier from earlier came by and dropped a tray piled with food on the center of the table.

"_Finally_" Dan snarled and hunted for his burger. Chris, likewise started grabbing items. Pinkie starred at the feast before her blankly.

Dan sighed, grabbed the empty cup from the tray and stood up. "Chris, why don't you stop being such a fat, self-centered pig, and pick out the food you ordered for the lady." Dan continued his walk to the soda fountain.

Chris looked up, grinned sheepishly, and picked out the smaller order of fries, a milkshake, a small rectangular apple-pie, and a wrapped burger that he placed in front of Pinkie. He also positioned the onion rings in convenient reach of the both of them.

Pinkie pondered the wrapped burger in front of her. Everything else was mostly pretty similar to stuff she'd eat at home.

Her thoughts where interrupted as Dan returned with the cup and placed it in front of Pinkie.

"Drink." Dan said simply.

"Dan, you didn't get her anything with CAFFINE in it did you, because…."

"What kind of moron do you _take_ me for? It's ice water."

Pinkie thirstily drank the water through the straw. She hadn't realized just how thirsty everything had made her. She quickly got to the point where the straw was making an audible sucking sound.

"GIVE ME THAT!" Dan snatched the cup, got back up, refilled, it and placed it back in front of Pinkie, who proceeded to drink it at a slower pace this time around.

Dan found his own burger out of the mix, unwrapped it and opened it up. Satisfied, he emptied the contents of three ketchup packet onto it, put the top bun back on it, and began eating.

Pinkie looked from Dan to Chris who were both eating their burgers. She unwrapped her own burger, examined it quizzically, brought it up to her mouth, and took a large bite.

Pinkie's eye's widened and she let out an audible "Hmmmmmmmmm…" of delight. She happily chewed and took a few more bites. She'd never tasted anything like _this_ before. She took off the top bun to examine the contents. It seemed to be some sort of sandwich with a hot, brown substance she couldn't identify in the middle.

"What _is_ this?" She asked Dan, pointing at the patty.

"Dead cow." Dan said simply.

"Dead…cow?" Pinkie started to tear up.

"Don't tell me you're a filthy vegetarian."

Pinkie's face continued to get sadder as more tears and snot started to leak out her nose. "Herb…herbivore."

"They don't have _meat_ were you're from?" Dan asked.

"N…no…"

Dan sighed. What _was it _with this girl?

"If it makes you feel better, the cow was _probably _very well taken care of before it was brutally dismembered at the slaughterhouse."

Pinkie's distress increased, she looked mere seconds away from completely losing it.

"What, are cows special where you come from?"

"W…Well,"-Pinkie sniffed hard-"I have a friend named Daisy Jo who always orders cookies to have with her…to have with her…" Pinkie imagined her dear friend being killed, ground up, cooked, and eaten. "_sniiiiiiiffff MIIIIILLLLK WOUAAAAAAA". _Pinkie buried her head in her arms.

"Did she just said she knows a cow that orders cookies to have with her Milk?" Chris asked from behind his burger. The display not enough to detour his eating.

"Kinda perverse, ain't it?" Dan responded. Dan looked back at Pinkie "Are you saying cows _talk _where you come from?"

Pinkie looked up, "Of….of course…"

"Right, I thought as much."

"Dan, what are you getting at?" Chris said, looking across the table at his friend.

"Something you said earlier made me think…" He looked back at Pinkie. "Cows don't talk here. They just "moo", eat grass, produce milk, and are collected for convenient eating. Exactly as God _**and**_ _Nature_ intended." Dan took another bite out of his burger, then sipped his slushy.

Pinkie frowned, looked down at her burger and pushed it away. This was a bit much to take in at the moment and she wasn't sure how to feel. Dan passed her some napkins which she used to blow her nose and wipe the tears from her face.

"Is there meat in anything else?" Pinkie asked waving at the spread in front of her.

"Nope. Go nuts, kid." Pinkie took a bite of her fries, her eyes went wide again and another "Hmmmmmmm…" escaped her as she started alternatively eating fries, onions rings, and taking large sips from her shake.

"_**You**_ are _**wasting**_ a precious _**free**_ resource here!"

Pinkie looked up at Dan confused. Who proceeded to open a number of ketchup packets then empty the contents all over her fries and the onion rings.

Pinkie blinked a few times, then tried a fry smothered with ketchup. Her smile grew wider as the pace of her eating accelerated. Only interrupted by a muffled "ThankyouDan" as she consumed fries, onion rings, and chocolate shake. It wasn't long before Pinkie and Chris had consumed almost all their meals, Chris having claimed what was left of Pinkie's burger.

"Elch, watching pigs eat would be less disgusting." Dan directed at the pair with a scowl, having finished his burger and slushy.

"Pigs don't tend to talk where I'm from for some reason…" Pinkie said, considering the strangeness of that for a second.

"Fascinating." Dan responded, flatly.

"Soooo…" Chris began, "Were are you from, Pinkie?"

"Ponyville", Pinkie said, munching on her apple pie. She wasn't as excited about this bit of food, but then again, it didn't hold a candle to anything the Apple family produced.

Dan raised his eyebrows.

"Where's that?" Chris chomped into his own pie. "Neferherdofit." He said through a mouth full of pie.

"It's a few hours train ride from Canterlot."

Dan continued listening with the same expression.

Chris stopped chewing and just stared down at Pinkie.

"…OR maybe it's a just a few hour walk from Canterlot…Come to think of it, it seems to be a different distance from Ponyville every time we travel to it…"

Chris slowly swallowed the contents in his mouth, unsure of how to respond.

"Erm…in…Equestria..?" Pinkie ventured.

Chris looked across the table at Dan, who had maintained the same expression.

Dan sighed, "You were right, Chris."

"I was?"

"She's not from this planet."

"Dan, that's not what…"

Pinkie went wide eyed and started to inhaled a large volume of air, before she could speak Dan put her finger to her mouth, silencing her.

"You're from a planet where the primary sapient species are horses, which you are one of, of course. However, other animals are also sapient and have the ability to speak. You were transported here quite unexpectedly and we happened on you within just a very short time of your arrival."

Dan moved his finger, and Pinkie continued her inhale, only to have Dan replace his finger back in front of her mouth.

"FURTHERMORE, you've had a friend go through very similar experiences who've you pestered endlessly to talk about what happened to her."

Dan moved his finger, Pinkie, whose face was starting to turn blue from holding her breath inhaled just a little bit more air, quickly exhaled, looked pale, rolled her eyes back in her head, and dropped her head onto her arms on the table.

"Dan, I don't think…"

"_That was amazing…" _Pinkie gasped. "How did you know?"

Chris's jaw dropped.

Dan put on his best Sherlock voice, "Elementary, my dear Pinkie. First there was all the locations that pointed to an equine based society. "**Pony**ville", **Canter**lot", "**Eque**stria". Second, it seems just about every other thing you encounter is foreign to you, especially if it requires hands to work. Third, you seem to be having a lot of trouble keeping your balance, thus showing you're not used to walking on two legs. Fourth, there was the comment you made about being an herbivore."

"Wow, Dan! You're like the smartest person ever, _EVER, __**EVER**_!"

Dan smirked to himself. "The only thing that threw me off is you seemed to adjust a little _too _fast. Leading me to believe you know someone who's given you some idea what it's like to be in a human world."

"Right again, Dan!"

Dan's smile grew wider.

Chris wasn't sure if he was ready to buy the whole "Alien horse girl" theory.

Pinkie suddenly became uncomfortably aware of how much water she had drunk.

"Uh…would you two excuse me?" Pinkie dashed for the restroom, slipping, but regaining her footing before hitting the floor. She quickly entered the women's restroom.

"Alien horse girl? Really?" Chris asked skeptically.

"Technically, she'd be from another dimension. So, 'slider' would probably be the best term, here. Anyhow, _**you're**_ the one who suggested she was from another planetoid."

"No, Dan. I thought she was from Europe."

"That's ridiculous! She doesn't even have a European accent of any sort."

"I…"Chris trailed off, Dan actually had a point. "OK, but that doesn't mean she's a '_slider'_." Chris air-quoted "slider" to highlight his skepticism.

"Reeaaaally?" Dan said with a look of smug satisfaction. "Alright then, smart guy, were do _you _think she's from?"

"Uhhh…" The pair had exhausted even the most implausible of theories. Aside from how far-fetched this one was, Dan _did_ manage to explain several odd behaviors from Pinkie with it, and Chris wasn't sure if he could think of anything else wrong with it.

"Besides," Dan added, "Am I _ever_ wrong about these sort of things?"

Chris was sure Dan was often wrong, but somehow his more far-fetched theories tended to be correct, sometimes Dan would even figure out things without even trying.

_Still_, Chris wasn't sure if he was quite ready to accept the nice girl they saved was from a horse dimension.

Pinkie washed her hands in the sink, it had taken her a bit to figure out the soap dispenser. Thankfully, the bathrooms here where similar to the ones back home, and despite not wearing clothing very often, she at least had some experience with most of what she was wearing aside from a couple of new articles she had mostly figured out, already.

The thing around her chest was going to take some more effort to figure out, though she could at least determine its function on her new, strange, lumpy body.

She dried her hands using the hand drier. She still was worried about her friends, but felt much better that Dan had figured out what was going on.

Besides, Twilight knew _**everything **_about magic. There's no way she wouldn't be able to figure _**SOMETHING**_ out!

Pinkie took a quick glance at herself in the mirror.

Things were looking up.


	6. Chapter 5

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 1 Chapter 5: Dan Vs. Forehead wound

Pinkie exited the bathroom. As she did, Chris and Dan sat up and made the way to restaurant door.

Chris held the door open for both Dan, who passed wordlessly, and Pinkie who smiled and said "Thank you very much, Chris," on her way out.

The trio walked to the car, and before Pinkie could reach for the handle, Dan grabbed her hand, and silently held up a finger signifying she should wait.

Pinkie stared at Dan's finger as Chris got into the driver side and unlocked the car.

Dan, let go of Pinkie's hand and walked over to the passenger's side and buckled up.

Pinkie opened her door, sat down, fumbled with her seatbelt, managed to get it to "click" again and gave herself an excited "I DID IT!"

"Congratulations," Dan mumbled. "Soon you'll move up to tying your shoelaces."

"Did you say something, Danny?" Pinkie asked.

"No, and don't call me "_Danny_"." Dan shot back, mildly annoyed.

Chris started the car, backed out of the parking spot, exiting the lot, and they were on their way.

"So, Pinkie," Chris began, "Where do you want to be dropped off."

Pinkie went uncomfortably silent.

"I've known _**goldfish**_ who pay better attention than you, Chris! She doesn't _**have**_ a place to be dropped off _at_! She _**just**_ got here from another dimension!" –Dan turned his palms upward and leaned closer to his friend—"How can you forget something we just talked about a few minutes ago?!"

Pinkie nodded vigorously from the backseat.

"Well, I can't take her to my place." Chris said.

"What?! Why not! Just make a spot for her on the couch! I do it all the time!" Dan countered with a tone of disbelief.

"Normally, that would be fine, but Elise has had to take some of her work home with her." Chris's tone betraying his frustration at the situation.

"Ah, so the couch is currently occupied by a Chinese spy that Elise is interrogating?" Dan posed.

"No, she turned Cao over to her superiors last week. This is MUCH worse."

Pinkie leaned forward, interested in the conversation "What's a Chinese?" She asked.

Dan looked back at her, "Excuse _you_, the _men_ are figuring out what to do with you!"

Pinkie narrowed her eyes, stuck her tongue out at Dan, and leaned back in her seat. She reminded herself she was trying to make friends with Dan, but he clearly wasn't going to make it easy.

"OK, I'll bite. What's worse than having to share a roof with a captured, hostile, international spy?"

"Elise is working on _something_ involving plutonium. She won't say what it is, but we've had to put a tent over the house and claim we're fumigating. She says there's not a great chance for a leak, but to be safe we're both wearing hazmat suits around the house, and we only have the two."

Dan sighed, "Typical".

Pinkie was having a very difficult time following this conversation, there were quite a few words being thrown around she had never even heard of.

"Why do you think I so readily agreed to help you?" Chris asked Dan.

"I'm _sorry_ if I thought you were committed to my noble quest to improve the English language."

"I thought you said you had an "agenda" against it." Pinkie reminded Dan.

Dan leaned back to look at her, she was paying way more attention than he had given her credit for. Time to remind her just how lost she was.

"I'm on a quest to burn the English language and raise it back, not unlike the mythical phoenix." He smiled, a "Phoenix is…"

"…A magical, fiery bird that sheds its fiery feathers and burns up, reducing itself to ashes, before igniting once again and emerging in its full, fiery might over and over again." Pinkie said with a smug sense of satisfaction.

Dan closed his mouth and grimaced at her.

"We have those back where I'm from. Oh, and they're not _thaaaat _mythical. There's quite a few in the Everfree Forest." She added.

Dan sat back in his chair, his attempt at putting Pinkie in her place having completely backfired. He examined the area the car was passing. "What? Chris! NO! Stop the car! She is _not_ staying with me!"

"Well, where else is she going to stay?" Chris asked.

"I DON'T CARE! JUST NOT IN MY APPARTMENT."

Pinkie let out an audible whimper from the back.

"Hey! I have an idea! Why doesn't she try to rent the place next to your apartment? Didn't you say your neighbors just recently moved out leaving most their furniture behind?"

Dan thought back to a night of a pile of electric guitars, a drum-set, some amps, gasoline and a bonfire rising high into the nights sky as he stood from his second story walkway and laughed maniacally.

Revenge was his, he'd never have to hear that crappy band play again or have it disturb his sleep.

That was one of his most satisfying nights in recent memory, how he laughed and laughed and laughed and…

_Tap, tap, tap, tap…._

Dan looked out his car window to see Chris staring at him with his patented "seriously?" look.

Dan rolled down the window? "What?! How'd you get out of the car? Where is that girl?! Weren't we just discussing how she _wasn't_ going to stay with me?"

"Dan, that was over 30 minutes ago. You started laughing and _kept_ laughing all the way here. I would have stopped you, but _Pinkie"_ –Chris broke eye contact with Dan and motioned as if he was introducing an invisible Pinkie—"also started laughing. She didn't even ask me what was so funny until we were both out of the car."

Dan peered outside. "CHRIS! NO! She _cannot _move in next to me. End of story."

"Yeah, I think you already lost this battle, she was going over the paperwork with the Landlord as I went to check up on you."

"What?! She can't move in _TONIGHT _she doesn't even have identification, or a social security number, or…"

"Your landlord said he was fine renting out to a "pony girl" and said he "trusted her kind." Chris looked out into space. "He also called me a "bear guy"."

Dan let out a sound of rage and frustration," Could this night get _ANY_ worse!?" He asked the heavens.

The heavens responded.

Pinkie Pie bounded to the car window. Enthusiastically holding up a set of keys. Chris moved out of the way as she rested her hands on the car door,stuck her head in the door and excitedly bobbed her body up and down as Dan absently followed her with his eyes

"_Hey Dan! Guess what, guesswhat, __**guesswaht!? **__We're neighbors now! Oh, I know we're going to be best friends FOREVER, and we'll spend SO MUCH time together, and we'll play together, and dance, and sing_…" Pinkie's feet slid out from under her on the wet concrete, and she hit her forehead with a very audible thump on the open car window frame on her way down.

Dan actually changed his expression to concerned as he heard her face slowly slip down the rest of the car door before he heard it hit the ground.

Within an instant, Pinkie was back up, and said "I'm oooooookaaaay." She felt something warm, and wet drip from her forehead, onto her nose, then down around her mouth. She felt her forehead and examined her hand to witness a hand full of blood, dirt, and gravel. "I'm **NOT** Okay…" she corrected, and slumped forward against the car door.

Chris backed her up so Dan could exit the car.

"Should we take her to the hospital?" Chris asked concerned, holding Pinkie up.

"So we can all spend hours in the emergency waiting room just so an actor in a costume can fondle her, give her a loli-pop, and send her on her way?" Dan held one of Pinkie's eyes open with one hand and moved a finger back in forth in front of it. Pinkie managed to follow the finger back and forth with her eye.

"Dan, that's not how hospitals work."

"That's pretty much EXACTLY how hospitals work." Dan countered. "Here," Dan went around to where Chris was standing, "Switch places with me." He put his arms under Pinkie's and crossed them across her stomach. "Great, now grab her legs, we're going up."

Chris pocketed Pinkie's dropped keys, "Dan, we can't just abandon her in her new apartment. What if she has a concussion?"

"Concussions are usually followed by much worse symptoms. BELIEVE me, I've had a few." Dan answered as he backed towards his apartment. "She just needs to get her head elevated, get this cleaned up, and get some rest. Besides, we're taking her to MY apartment. I'm well stocked on first-aid supplies. You couldn't imagine how often I've had to dress my own wounds."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I can." Chris answered, narrowing his eyes.

Pinkie moaned softly as the two carried her up the stairs.

"Wow, Dan. This is without a doubt the lightest person we've had to drag up or down your stairs."

"Shut up." They reached Dan's door. "Switch places with me"

Chris obediently complied, and Dan unlocked and opened the door, entered his apartment, cleared his couch, sat down, and grabbed a few frilly looking throw pillows, (Chris remembered Dan had filled his hatchback with an impressive amount after he assaulted a producer with them who was using them in a reality TV show), piled them on his lap, and motioned for Chris to come forward with Pinkie, patting the pillows to signify Dan wanted Chris to lay her head on them.

A mangy looking cat walked in, meowed, and climbed on top of Pinkie. Pinkie meekly moved her hand to stroke the cat and said "Awww…nice kitty."

Chris complied then Dan calmly dictated a few instructions while maintaining his typical, slightly irritated tone of voice and facial expression. "Go to my bathroom, in my medicine cabinet, you'll find some dressing pads, gauze, and a couple clean rags. Grab those, check under my sink for a bottle of Everclear, and my freezer for a prepared icepack, bring everything here, then open the cupboard above the stove, grab a can of the _beef_ flavored canned cat food, and feed Mr. Mumbles."

"Awww…what a cute name," Pinkie murmured as she scratched under the cat's chin who mewed in reply.

"And you," Dan looked down at the girl whose head currently occupied his lap. "Stop bleeding all over the place. You're wrecking my nice throw pillows."

"So…sorry, Dan. Tha…thanks for taking care of me…"

"Dan, you have about two dozen of those." Chris called out from Dan's bathroom.

"SO! Doesn't mean I have enough that she can just bleed all over a couple!"

Chris sighed and continued grabbing supplies. He returned with the medical supplies Dan had asked for, setting them on Dan's coffee table within his reach.

"Great, now go feed Mr. Mumbles. BEEF flavor. Chicken liver was **YESTERDAY**."

Chris gave Dan an annoyed expression, but returned to the kitchen. At the sound of a cat food tin opening, Mr. Mumbles hopped off Pinkie and trotted into the kitchen.

"Awww…why'd you have to do that?" Pinkie said, already missing scratching Mr. Mumbles.

"So he doesn't claw my face off, when you start screaming at "step 2"." Dan answered, dousing a rag in Everclear.

Pinkie sniffed the strong smell of alcohol and her expression turned concerned. "What's step…" Without warning, Dan cupped one hand over her mouth and put the Everclear wetted rag over Pinkie's forehead.

Pinkie immediately started muffled shrieking into Dan's hand as he cleaned her wound with the stinging alcohol. Chris shot back into the living room looking concerned.

Soon, Dan had finished, and moved onto drying the wound with the dry cloth as Pinkie began gently sobbing.

"Oh, don't be such a baby." Dan commented.

Pinkie tried her best to stop crying and held back her tears.

"Dan, was that really necessary?"

Dan said nothing while placing a couple dressing pads on Pinkies forehead, followed by the icepack, Pinkie gasped at the chilly ice-pack, but it did numb the pain a bit. "Hold her head up so I can bandage these in place."

Chris complied and Dan wrapped the gauze around Pinkie's head a few times, holding the dressing pads, and icepack in place. Finished, he motioned for Chris to let the girl's head down.

"Thank you, Dan." Pinkie managed to whisper.

"Well! It has been fun and weird, but it is getting VERY late, and I must get some sleep." Chris said in his typical chipper tone of voice.

"WHAT?! Chris you can't just leave me here to take care of her all by myself!" Dan insisted.

"You seem to have the situation well in lap.. I mean hand. OH!" Chris reached into his pocket, and tossed a set of keys on Dan's coffee table.

Pinkie murmured an apology to Dan.

"Chris! Come back here!" Dan demanded.

"Sorry Dan! I have to get back, suit up, and get some shut-eye. I _will_ stop by tomorrow to make sure she's okay." Chris stopped for a second, turned around and put a very serious expression on his face. "And she BETTER be okay Dan. I mean it."

"I PROMIS NOTHING!"

"No Dan, _**No**_. If you intentionally go out of your way to hurt even one hair on her head, that's it. Our friendship is over and I'll make SURE you don't get away with it this time." Chris leaned into the door frame with one hand and pointed the other at Dan for dramatic effect.

Dan, reached down a grabbed a strand of Pinkie's hair, Chris's expression hardened. Dan let go, realizing that Chris wasn't bluffing.

Pinkie murmured another apology.

"_**FINE**_." Dan growled angrily. "I promise I won't intentionally _physically_ hurt her or even arrange for physical harm to come to her."

Chris's expression softened. "That's fair. Even spending time with you is mentally scaring."

Pinkie softly giggled.

Dan gritted his teeth, now _both_ Chris and Pinkie where getting the best of him.

Chris walked outside.

"I hope you die of radiation poisoning." Dan called from the couch.

Chris's face went pale, "I don't."

Chris shut the door and walked back to his car and prayed that Dan wouldn't traumatize the poor girl too much.


	7. Chapter 6

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys Chapter 6 Pinkie Vs. Loneliness

Dan looked down with a huff at the girl whose head currently occupied his lap along with a couple of, now bloodstained throw pillows.

He had taken the time to clean the blood out of her hair while he cleaned her wound, but a cloth soaked in alcohol wasn't exactly going to work on a pillow.

While it was true the ruined pillows didn't amount to much of a loss, he resented having Pinkie dumped on him. Besides, he couldn't reach the TV remote with her resting on him like this.

Slider pony girl was just going to have to go to her own apartment, and that was that.

"Can you walk?" He asked, irritated, as usual.

Pinkie, who was physically and mentally exhausted at this point put on her best puppy dog face.

"Listen. That sad girl stuff might work on Chris, but not me. I'm not running a shelter for filthy and pathetic creatures, here."

Mr. Mumbles walked into the room from the kitchen and mewed. Dan shot her a "you're not helping" look.

"But…" Pinkie Started.

"Just answer my question. You HAVE a place to stay that _isn't_ here, and I've had a long night. I'd rather not spend the rest of it explaining how forks work."

"I KNOW what a fork…"

"**I DON'T CARE WHAT UTENSILS YOU DO AND DON'T UNDERSTAND**!" Dan roared.

"CAN"

"YOU"

"WALK!?"

Pinkie swallowed. The thought of spending the night alone was pretty terrifying. There were _a lot _of noises around here she couldn't identify. On the other hoof…HAND, Dan clearly wasn't in the mood to let her sleep here.

"I…I think…" She managed to stammer.

"Good." Dan wasted no time getting one of Pinkie's arms over his shoulders and stood up suddenly. Pinkie struggled to maintain balance as Dan grabbed her keys off the table and practically dragged her to the door.

"My bag…" Pinkie managed.

Dan grumbled a "grrr", and held up Pinkie's keys in front of her face.

Pinkie instinctively grabbed them with her mouth and Dan grabbed her bag, opened his door and walked bag and girl to the door.

"Unlock it." He demanded.

Much to his surprise, Pinkie leaned down with the keys in her mouth and managed to unlock the door with a key clenched in her teeth. Dan processed this for a second, and realized she was probably used to her mouth be her primary physical manipulator.

Pinkie opened the door.

The place was sparsely furnished, smelled odd (though a bit more pleasant than Dan's apartment), and was a bit untidy (again, not nearly as bad as Dan's apartment).

The layout being a mirror of his own, Dan navigated Pinkie to the bed, and gracelessly deposited her and bag on it, and turned to walk out.

Pinkie started gently sobbing and Dan stop dead in his tracks.

Well…if she stayed, he could at least change her bandage later and…

No.

NO, _NO_, **NO**_,_ _**NO**_.

He was NOT going to be swayed by the oldest trick in the book.

"Da…Dan?" Pinkie stammered. "I'm scared…"

…Or the second.

He did at least turn around. Despite only the street lights outside to illuminate them both, Pinkie's flushed face contrasted strongly against the white bandage on her head. Tears streamed down her face at an impressive rate.

Dan sighed, he was resolved to not let her stay with him, but he decided a _little _compassion wouldn't hurt...

…Much.

He wordlessly walked over, sat on the bed, undid Pinkie's boot laces, and removed them as well as her soaked sock. Pinkie lifted up one of her feet, wiggling her toes and examining them for the first time.

Dan faced away from Pinkie. "Look. We are NOT Friends. I don't want to BE your friend…but." Dan sighed, knowing he would regret the next words out of his mouth. "I AM next door in case something bad happens."

Pinkie was silent.

Dan stood up to leave, "And I mean _life_ threateningly 'bad'. Don't come knocking just because you've had a bad dream or something. I SWEAR,"—Dan's expression started shifting from regular mad, to maddening mad-"if you wake me up in the middle of the night because you feel homesick, I will _**BURN**_ everyth…" Dan heard the jingling of keys.

"Dan?"

"_WHAT_?"

"Catch."

Dan turned in time to nab one of Pinkie's keys she had lobbed at him.

He turned around and continued towards the door.

"…And thank you for saving me and taking care of me." Pinkie added.

Dan opened the door and paused for a second, then walked forward closing the door behind him.

Pinkie resumed her gentle sobbing. She was well past "laughing" her fears away at this point. She had been in real danger this night TWICE on two different dimensions, and she had only been on this one for a few hours. The noises outside where beyond frightening. It actually sounded like someone was constantly shooting off fireworks inside a nearby building.

She didn't know how she was going to get to sleep.

Her body ached, her head hurt, her HEART hurt, and she, more than anything, just wanted to see her friends again.

"_Pinkie?_"

And now she was hallucinating Twilight's voice. _Awesome sauce._

"_Pinkie!_"

She must have hit her head a few too many times tonight.

"_PIIIIIIINKIEEEEEE!_"

Pinkie looked up and realized the sound was coming from her bag, she sat up, opened it, and noticed there was light emitting from the cracks between the closed compact mirror.

Hardly being able to contain herself, she opened the compact.

"EVERYPONY! YOU'RE ALL RIGHT!"

Through the small mirror, she could make out all her friends that where with her at Rarity's boutique, Princess Celestia, AND Princess Luna. Yeesh, her friends had certainly pulled out all the stops to contact her. She was actually a little embarrassed at this point.

Her friends and the Princesses clearly where a bit surprised, however Spike and Twilight recovered quickly.

"Pinkie! You're…human!"

"Yeppers!" Pinkie pulled the mirror back to reveal more of her body and stretched her other arm behind her. This seemed to freak her audience out a bit more, however Spike took stock of everyone else's expressions and started laughing. He and Twilight had much more experience with humans. Though, Twilight expected her to be pinker and a little younger looking.

"Are you alright?" Twilight asked.

"I…" Pinkie felt the bandage on her head. "Well…"

Pinkie inhaled a large amount of air.

"…first this guy tried to attack me, but then this OTHER guy SAVED me and then the first guy got hit by a carriage of some sort driven by ANOTHER guy and did I mention the guy who saved me was Dan and the guy driving the carriage without ponies was Chris? Anyhow, Dan put something in his mouth and set it on fire, but started coughing, then I helped him and thanked him and Chris but I don't think Dan really liked me but Chris said I could come with them, so Dan set the guy who attacked me on fire again…OH he did that when he saved me the first time, I don't think I mentioned that…so anyway Dan let me come with them, then we went to this place called Burgerphile where…" Pinkie glanced at Fluttershy, "Uh…we had…"

"…"

"…food…"

"…"

"…from plants."

"oh, and a milkshake! OH and I found all this neat stuff in my bag! We'll have to figure out what it all does! But I got a camera! And I took a picture of Chris and Dan, and I think Dan is lactose intolerant because he seems to specifically hate dairy products amongst other things and then we left and we couldn't go to Chris's for reasons that sounds really cryptic but he suggested I get a place next to Dan's and he started laughing and we laughed for a really long time and then I got this place and there was this nice man who seemed to know I was a pony, and OH! Dan figured out I was a pony because he's really, _really_, REALLY, smart and I gave the man a bunch of money which I seem to have a lot of for some reason and he gave me some keys and I got really, _really_, **really**, **REALLY**, excited and told Dan but fell down and hurt my head real bad, but Dan took care of me and dropped me off back here and said he didn't want to be my friend but I know deep down he really WANTS another friend and he said I could ask for help if my life was in danger…"

"…"

"And then I heard my mirror talking, and that's about it."

The crowd's expression seemed a bit more relieved. If there _was_ any doubt they were talking to Pinkie Pie, it was gone now.

"Well…", Twilight continued, "sounds like you had quite the evening."

"And quite the meal." Spike added with a knowing grin.

Twilight shot him a quick look and elbowed him with one of her front legs. Spike let out an "oof" but continued his grin.

"Oh, darling! We were ever so worried about you! Twilight sent word to the Princess who rushed from Canterlot to pick us up." Rarity explained motioning at Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.

Celestia stepped forward "Hello, Pinkie Pie. I trust you're OK?"

"Oh yes, yes, yes, _yes_, _**yes**__!_ I'm so happy to see all my friends are OK!"

Celestia closed her eyes and smiled. "Well, I'm happy we could put that fear to rest. My sister and I will leave you and your friends to catch up. We'll continue trying to figure out how to get to you back."

At that, Luna smiled and nodded and Celestia and her trotted out of the room.

"Oh, Twilight I KNEW you'd find a way!.. How are you guys talking to me, anyhow?"

Twilgiht smiled warmly, "Princess Celestia, Luna, and I all combined our magic to try to feel where you had been sent. We got a rough idea, but couldn't figure out exactly where you where until…" Twilight motioned to Rarity, "Rarity joined in and pin-pointed exactly where you were."

"That's AMAZING Rarity!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"WELL, I've _always _had a horn for details. Anyhow, the three Princesses did the hard part. I had nothing to do with the mirror."

Pinkie considered her own mirror in front of her, it was vibrating with speech every time somepony talked. "So you have a mirror over there, too?" Pinkie guessed it was much larger than hers as it allowed her to see all her friends at once.

"Yep!" Twilight answered. "Once we figured out where you where the Princess and I worked to contact you using somewhat similar magic to the magic that transported me across dimensions." Twilight frowned, "But we haven't figured out how to actually transport you back yet."

"That's OK Twilight. You're the smartest Pony I know! You'll figure it out." Pinkie said enthusiastically, "So! What happened to those things that where after me?"

Rainbow Dash spoke up "They took _one_ look at me, and decided they didn't have a prayer then just took off!"

"Wowwie-zowwie, Rainbow Dash!"

Applejack rolled her eyes, "She _means_ they just took off. They just sort uh disappeared right after you did."

"I'm glad they did…_they were scary_." Fluttershy added.

Pinkie thought for a second, honestly she didn't know the first thing about what attacked her except the cryptic name of "The Order Keepers", her being called "The Warper", and the fact that they were all dark and cloudlike and seemed to only be affected by magic. It also seemed strange they would send her _here_ and give her enough supplies to…"_yawn_"…supplies to…

"Pinkie?"

"Oh, sorry Twilight. Looooong night."

"I understand completely. Should we let you get some rest? We can keep the communication open indefinitely. Princess Luna and Celestia made it so the magic is fueled by the light of the sun and the moon. You're safe where you're at, right?"

"Yes." Pinkie remembered Dan's offer, "I am. Thanks, Twilight…everypony…I think…I think sleep's a good idea. Goodnight everypony." Her friends waved and a chorus of goodnights rang out. Pinkie Pie closed her compact, laid down, hugged the contact around her chest, and shut her eyes. Finally feeling some degree of peace after everything that had happened.

Dan pulled his ear from his wall. He WAS going to beat on it and yell at Pinkie to keep that obnoxious sobbing down. The same walls that offered little buffering against an amateur rock band also provided little muffling for sad sobbing, but he heard her and voices and decided it would be better to listen in.

Pinkie was easy enough to hear. No surprise there, but he couldn't really make out what her…pony friends where saying.

So, something was after her?

Dan yawned, stripped to his boxers and climbed into bed. "Come on, Mr. Mumbles."

His cat jumped onto the bed next to him and curled up.

Well…whatever was after her wasn't _his_ problem.

Dan suddenly remembered the last thing he said to Pinkie.

…At least…It _better_ not _become_ his problem.

Dan turned out his light, and quickly fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 7

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys Chapter 7 Dan Vs. …

Chris stifled a yawn and pulled into his driveway. He sighed looking up at the giant covering over his house, garage, and shed.

He wasn't too perturbed by the idea that his domicile now resembled a giant circus tent, but the constant fear of being exposed to a lethal dose of radiation was starting to take its toll.

Chris climbed out of his car, walked to the back of his property, opened up a large zipper in the back revealing a clear box room with a hazmat suit in it. He stepped in the room, closed the zipper, and began putting the suit on. Once finished, he opened a clear door that led to his backyard. Through the clear plastic of the suit he viewed the flood lights and klaxons that now decorated his yard; making it feel more like a prison yard, or the site of a top-secret government dig site.

He trudged back around to the front of the house and tried to open the front door.

Locked.

He reached for his keys and felt protective layers against MORE protective layers. Much to his frustration, he had suited up with everything still in his pockets.

"Ahhh! Come _on!_" He shouted and mentally prepared himself to go back to the box room.

Luckily for him, the door unlocked and opened.

"Hey Chris," his red haired wife greeted him, similarly dressed in a hazmat suit. "You suited up with your keys in your pockets, again, didn't you?"

Chris laughed nervously and stepped inside his house.

Elise stood up on the tips of her toes, put her face plate against his and kissed her face plate, leaving a visible smooch mark on the inside. About the closest she could get to affection at the moment. "Did you have a nice time with Dan's revenge scheme?"

Chris smiled through the clear plastic suit. "Dan and I stopped a mugger!" He said cheerfully.

"Really?" Elise asked with increased interest. Any night when the two didn't get arrested was a plus for her, but to think they actually accomplished some good…

"Dan set him on fire and I hit him with the car!" Chris added with no small amount of pride in his voice.

Elise managed to keep her smile, but her eyes shifted to show some concern.

"Oh!" Chris added, "And we saved the poor girl that was being attacked!"

Elise's expression softened, "That's very nice, Chris. I'm sure she was very grateful."

"Yep! We got her setup with the apartment next to Dan's!"

Elise's expression went serious, "…I thought you said you 'saved' her?"

"Haha," Chris said sarcastically, "She practically BEGGED to be next to Dan. She got her paperwork done, paid her deposit and first month's rent, and got the keys right away." Chris stared off into space, as little as he could before vision met clear plastic, and added, "She seems hell-bent on making friends with Dan. I said I'd stop by tomorrow to make sure she was okay."

"Huh." Elise said out loud. There was something very suspicious about all this..."How would you describe her?" Elise asked cocking an eyebrow at her husband.

Chris attempted to rub his chin with his hand, but only succeeded in rubbing a gloved hand on the plastic in front of his face. "Hyper-active, nice, clumsy, and the most clueless person I have _ever_ met." Chris paused and made eye contact with his wife. "She's about an inch shorter than you with long, pink, curly hair that billows out in all directions."

Elise smiled, stood on her toes again, and patted the top of her husband's suit, "You've been practicing what I told you about profiling, I see."

Chris chuckled nervously.

Still, it didn't really sound like the cover of someone trying to get close to a target. "What was her name?" Elise asked.

"Pinkie", Chris replied. He continued rubbing the clear plastic under his face and looked off as he tried to remember something..."Pinkamena Diane Pie". He put on an "ah-ha" face and pointed to the sky signifying the name had just come back to him.

"That's a rather _strange_ name." Elise commented.

"Well, she's a strange girl." Chris added.

"You say she paid for her apartment?"

"Yep!" Chris sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, local news popped on and started detailing a man who was picked up off the street with third degree burns and multiple broken bones. "Full in cash." He added.

"That's a lot of money to be walking around with."

"Yeah, and she has a lot more. Dan and I still haven't figured out where she got it all from." Chris pondered this for a second. "She didn't seem to know what it was even…Dan thinks she's a talking horse from another dimension."

Elise paused, she wasn't sure how to respond to that. She decided some research was in order. "Oh, I just remembered! I need to double check on the plutonium!"

"That's great, honey." Chris added, plastering on a fake enthusiastic smile, "I think I'm going to grab my PJs, get changed in the box, then pray we don't die before going to bed." He said in a sort of mock attempt at his regular cadence.

Elise smiled, bent down, and planted another kiss on her face plate. "Don't wait up," She said sweetly.

Chris yawned, "I'm sure I can manage drifting into a radioactive zombie attack nightmare filled sleep all by myself."

Pinkie awoke as the first strands of sunlight entered her new apartment. The daylight didn't exactly improve it. In fact, she could now fully appreciate how dingy it really was.

She walked towards the window and looked out. At least it looked like it would be much nicer today and devoid of rain. The view wasn't much to look at, beige buildings as far as the eye can see, and…OH palm trees. Lots of palm trees!

Hmmm…

She really needed to do something to thank Dan.

A gift? A cake? A party?

She heard a door open, followed by a familiar tone of grumbling. She ducked low and glanced outside, as Dan walked by. She fought the initial urge to run out and greet him. She guessed Dan wasn't much of a morning person, and he already seemed to be collecting reasons to be mad at her.

She looked up as he walked by.

Dan turned and faced her window and just as quick, Pinkie ducked out of sight.

Dan's eyebrow twitched and he turned around and continued his walk, down the stairs, and towards his red hatchback.

Pinkie discreetly watched from her window as Dan opened one of his backseat doors, looked inside, let out an angry and frustrated cry, slammed it shut, and turned around back towards the apartment.

Pinkie let out an audible "Hmmmmmmm…" and stroked her chin.

As Dan walked back up, he glanced at her window, and Pinkie ducked down.

Dan silently walked up, cupped his hands around his eyes and attempted to pear in.

Pinkie cupped her hands over her mouth and kept silent.

Dan shook his head, let out an exasperated sigh, and walked back to his apartment, closing the door hard behind him.

Pinkie stood back up and stared at Dan's car. Her lips slowly curled up into a smile which grew into a full toothed grin.

She had an idea.

Chris walked up the stairs to Pinkie's and Dan's apartments. Elise had insisted he go out and visit Pinkie nice and early, and even went so far as to prepare a set of his standard outfit for him. Chris was just happy to be out of his hazmat suit. Elise insisted she'd be finished soon, at least.

Chris walked past Pinkie's door on the way to Dan's but stopped when he heard her voice. Sounded like she was on the phone? Chris rapped a few times on Pinkie's door.

He heard a "Gotta go!", a loud thump, and a rapid peter-patter of legs and arms propelling a body across the carpet. Pinkie opened the door, still on her knees.

Pinkie sprung to her feat, "Hiya, Chris!" She said in a tone of unbridled cheerfulness. Her bandage was worse for wear, and she was still covered in bruises, but she seemed even happier and more energetic compared to the night prior.

"Hiya, Pinkie!" Chris echoed. "Dan kicked you out, huh?"

"Oh, it's okay." Pinkie said glancing at Dan's door. "It was asking a bit much that I stay with him. He _did_ say I could get his help if something 'bad' happened." She said with a humongous grin.

"Reeaaally?" Chris purred sending a bemused look at Dan's door.

Just then Dan's door slammed opened, revealing a red eyed, angry looking Dan. "Chris! I need my flyers. I think they're still in your car."

"DAN!" Pinkie said enthusiastically throwing her arms around his neck, pulling her camera out of seemingly nowhere, and snapping a photo while Dan angrily shouted in her ear.

Dan squirmed out of Pinkie's grasp as she giggled with closed eyes and put her hands behind her back.

"Good morning to you, too, Dan." Chris said flatly.

"Do you have _**ANY**_ idea of what time it is?!" Dan screamed in frustration at Pinkie.

"I most certain _don't_!" Pinkie answered helpfully.

"It's 9:30, Dan." Chris answered, his voice still flat.

"IT'S 9…."-Dan glared at Chris, then turned back to Pinkie-"IT'S TOO DAMN EARLY FOR ALL THIS HUGGY NONSENSE."Dan turned back to Chris, his expression still enrage. "KEYS! _**NOW**_!"

Chris sighed and handed Dan his keys as Dan trudged down the stairs towards Chris's car.

Pinkie leaned in close to Chris. "Chris, I need your help, but I want it to be a surprise for Dan. Is there a craft store and someplace I can get a photo developed around here?" She whispered into the tall man's ear.

"Of course Pinkie. It's kind of early for Dan, anyways." Chris looked down at his friend who was in the process of retrieving his fliers.

Pinkie steepled her fingers in front of her face. "Perfect. Steps 1 and 2 complete…" She mumbled to herself. "Oh, almost forgot! Pinkie rushed back inside and closed her door behind her."

Dan trudged back up the stairs, a stack of fliers in hand.

"Just what are you two scheming anyway?" Dan asked, a tone of suspicion apparent in his voice.

"Heck if I know." Chris quickly put back on a smile and changed the subject, "Hey! Wanna grab lunch with us later? It's a beautiful day, and I'm sure Pinkie would love to help put up your fliers."

"No! You're dead to me, and I hate her. 'Operation Apostrophe Annihilation' will continue without you."

Pinkie threw open her door holding her bag, now wearing her boots that looked like they were laced by a first grader who attempted tying them while rolling uncontrolled down a rocky-hillside. "READY!" Pinkie said enthusiastically.

Dan looked her up and down as if seeing her for the first time this morning, noting the horrible job on the boots and bandages that had turned from white to brown around her forehead.

"Walking corpse," Dan said glancing at Chris. "Wait here."

Pinkie let out a little "Eeep" as Dan grabbed her by the hand, dragged her into his apartment, and shut the door locking it behind him.

Chris walked up to the door and looked concern.

There was an apology, some yelling, more apologies, more yelling, some shrieking…

"Dan?" Chris called in concerned.

...the sound of a startled cat, Dan moaning "_WHY_!?", some giggling, MORE shrieking, the sound of something crashing…

"DAN! Open the DOOR!" Chris tried the locked knob and banged on the door a few times.

…some muffled sobbing, some grumbling, more apologies…

"Dan! I SWEAR I will break down this door if you've…"

The door flew open and Pinkie stumbled into Chris's chest who steadied the dizzy girl.

"_**YOU'RE WELCOME!" **_Dan shouted from the open doorway, pushing Pinkie's pink bag outside and slamming the door.

Pinkie shook her head as if clearing it, felt the fresh bandage, and looked down at her properly tied boots. She reached down and grabbed her bag, looked up with a huge smile and shouted "THANK YOU!" at the closed door.

Chris just looked at the door with a blank expression.

"Let's go!" Pinkie said, her voice overflowing with enthusiasm. Chris followed, close behind.

"Whaaaa_AAAAA_!" Pinkie exclaimed in surprise as she attempted stairs as a human for the first time. Lucky for her, Chris grabbed ahold of her arm before she could tumble all the way down. Pinkie steadied herself on the rail and looked up with an embarrassed expression. "Thank you Chris…could you ummm…"Pinkie smiled meekl"Help me down the stairs?"

y. "Sure Pinkie."

Pinkie steadied herself by wrapping an arm around Chris's torso and grabbing the rail in the other, carefully, the two made it down the stairs and towards the car.

Pinkie stood in front of the same door she was using last night.

Chris opened his door and unlocked the car. "You can ride shotgun, if you like."

Pinkie stared at him blankly.

"Erm…", Chris motioned to the passenger seat.

Pinkie gasped, "But I thought that was _Dan's_ seat?"

Chris smiled warmly, "He's not here right now. Besides, he usually has to sit in back if Elise is with us."

"Oh! Who's Elise?" Pinkie asked excitedly, walking over to the passenger seat.

Pinkie and Chris entered the car and buckled up, Pinkie still smiling to herself every time she successfully got her seatbelt buckled. "Oh right! I haven't told you about my wife…"

Dan watched as Chris's car pulled out and into traffic, he grumbled and felt the fresh Mr. Mumbles scratches on his face.

He turned back to his bed, fell face first on it, and soon was snoring away once more.

He awoke to an enthusiastic knock on the door.

What _was_ she? Punishment from God?

He rose to his feet, grumbled, and looked at the clock by his bed. 1 o'clock. Well, it least it was now a time when civilized people were up and about.

He opened the door to be greeted by Pinkie's beaming face, smudged with pink paint.

Pinkie spit out a paint brush with a similar shade of pink she was holding in her teeth and greeted Dan with her renewed zeal.

"Hiya, Dan! Did you get enough sleep?! Huh? Didja, _didja_, _**didja**_?!"

"Ulg," Dan grunted in reply, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. "What do you want, pink girl?"

"I wanted to thank you and Chris by treating you to lunch! Chris says there's this place called 'Lenny's' down the street. Oh, please say you'll come, please, _please_, _pleeeeaaase_!?" Pinkie cupped her hands, brought them up to her cheek, and tilted her head, so she was now looking up at Dan with her big, toothy grin.

Dan's stomached growled in response, Pinkie stood up straight, closing her eyes and smiling wider while keeping her cupped hand by her cheek.

Dan grimaced in response, narrowed his eyes and said. "No." He softened his tone to something a little more even for a change, "But please choke on something and die at your meal…"He said with a smile, holding a finger up. "Oh!" Dan leveled his finger at Pinkie, "And tell Chris to do the same."

"Okie dokie lokie! Well, you know where to find us if you want to come and mock our corpses!" Pinkie added with a smile. Pinkie bounded off, almost slipped down the stairs, caught herself on the rail, and slowly made her way down to Chris's car.

"He said "no", huh?" Chris asked as Pinkie sat down in the passenger seat and happily buckled up.

"He asked that we both choke and die on our meals." She said, still smiling.

"Sounds about right."

"He'll come around!" Pinkie insisted. "Do you think he'll be surprised? Doya, _doya_?" She asked, looking over her shoulder.

"Ooooh, He'll be surprised, alright." Chris said with a knowing, mischievous grin.

Dan watched the blue car pull away for the second time that day.

Whatever, he had a war to fight.

He grabbed his fliers and walked out the door, shielding his eyes from the sun with a "grr".

His eyes opened wide and he gasped.

"My car!" he exclaimed, crouching next to it, and seeing that his red hatchback had been turned pink.

"_Bedazzled_!" He hissed at the colorful, plastic jewels that where in the shapes of hears on the side.

His face turned red with anger.

Oh that was the last straw.

IT

WAS

_**ON**__!_

Dan balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

_**PIIIIIIIINKKIIIIIEEEEE PIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!**_

_**Dan Vs.**_

_**Pinkie Pie**_

End Part 1.


	9. Chapter 8

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie Chapter 8 Pinkie Vs. Disguises

Dan reached into his pocket and grabbed his keys. "Lenny's", huh? Well, that wasn't far. He could easily…

"Great", Dan thought to himself. "Must have left the car unlocked when I checked it this morning."

Dan opened the car door and peered inside. Well, it _seemed _to be devoid of glitter…

Didn't matter, he was going to find her, and _make her pay_!

…

Without hurting her…

…

…or _arranging_ for her to be hurt.

DAMN CHRIS AND HIS THREATS OF VIOLENCE AND/OR LEGAL ACTION.

Well…

She hurt something HE loved, he'd just have to find something of hers and hurt it back.

Dan grinned evilly to himself behind the wheel of his car.

He started it, and pulled out into traffic.

"Nice car, tough guy." Someone called from the street.

"I WILL FIND YOU AND MAKE ORPHANS OF YOUR CHILDREN!" Dan shot back.

He didn't have to travel far before spotting Chris's blue sedan at a gas station.

"Hmmm." He said out loud, "Maybe this will be quicker than I thought."

He pulled around to the back of the station and exited his car. He began to peer around the corner and…

"Hey, girl car. You can only park here if you're filling your tires with air."

Dan turned around to see a dark olive, lanky gas station attendant in a grey jumpsuit shooting him a dirty look from the air pump Dan had unwittingly parked next to.

"Ah! My good man! Perhaps you can assist me." Dan said with a smile. Dan put his arms around the man and brought him around to the back of his car. "I believe there is a quarter in the back of my car, if you would be so kind as to help me look…" 

Chris leaned idly by the side of his car and watched the numbers on the gas pump slide up.

It has been pleasant telling Pinkie about his wife, definitely the sort of conversation that was rare for him to have. It certainly beat hearing how his marriage was a mistake.

Pinkie "awed" and "oohed" at pretty much any unfamiliar sight, which was still pretty much everything at this point.

Chris was looking forward to his quiet day out, but worried that things might get awkward after a while. He wasn't used to spending time with anyone besides Dan and Elise. Though, Pinkie seemed good at holding a conversation, and…

Chris's thoughts where interrupted by a familiar sound, a sound he quite wished he _couldn't_ identify based upon helping Dan time and time again.

"Ooh! What's that?" Pinkie asked with a smile, inquiring about the rhythmic pounding sound.

"Oh that! That's…_nothing_…" Chris said with a nervous smile. "Could you excuse me for a second? I have to…"

"…go…"

"…around that corner…"

"…that corner right over there…" Chris pointed to the back of the building

"…for no reason in particular."

"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie said with a trusting smile.

Chris rounded the corner of the station to be greeted by the familiar sight of Dan knocking someone senseless with the hatch of his car, over and over again.

"Dan! Stop! I think you got him!"

Dan looked up at his friend Chris and let go of the very unconscious man in his grip.

"Chris! Ol' buddy! How's it going?" Dan asked enthusiastically and started undressing the gas station attendant.

"Dan what do you think you're doing." Chris asked, afraid he already knew the answer.

"Why, _revenge, _of course. What else?" Dan said grinning with a mouthful of pointed teeth.

Chris put on an annoyed expression, sighed, and rolled his eyes "What else, indeed."

"Now Chris." Dan roughly dropped the gas station attendant, now sans jumpsuit which Dan proceeded to try on. "I know you said some things to me that you regret, and I want you to know,"—Dan finished putting on the very loose fitting jumpsuit-"That I _forgive you_. I think it's best if we…"-Dan reached over and opened the door to the gas station bathroom-"…put aside our differences for the sake of vanquishing …"-Dan stuffed the unconscious man in the bathroom and tried closing the door, pushing it shut with the full weight of his body and a grunt when it became apparent the unconscious man was in the way of closing the door fully. "…a common foe. Come, on buddy! It'll be just like ol' times!" Dan put out his hand and smiled wide.

"No Dan. Just no." Chris said, quickly making an "X" with his arms and throwing them to the side.

"Oh, _come on_! You don't even know who…"

"There is _no way_ I'm going to help you get back at Pinkie Pie!" Chris said sternly.

"But look what she did to my car!" Dan insisted, motioning to his pink and bedazzled hatchback.

"Dan, if you actually _looked_ at that for more than a second," Chris walked over, dragged his finger over the hood and held up his now pink finger in one quick motion. "You'll find this stuff will come off if it drizzles."

"Eh tu, Chris? Wait…you _helped _her didn't you!" Dan said accusingly.

"Oh Dan, calm down."

"NO! If you _won't_ help me get my revenge…"

"Revenge against what?"

Chris and Dan both jumped slightly in their feet and turned towards the smiling, pink haired girl who had snuck up behind them. Pinkie still had smudges of pink paint on her face.

Dan quickly turned away, looked down, rubbed his index finger in a black oil puddle, held it between his nose and upper lip and turned to face Pinkie.

"Good day, madam! It's just me…your helpful local gas station attendant!" Dan said, trying desperately to disguise his voice by dropping it an octave.

Pinkie squinted at the "helpful local gas station attendant's" chest. "Ju-an?"

"Yes! It's me…'Ju-an'". Dan said, quickly glancing from side to side.

"It says 'Jaun'." Chris said flatly.

"WHAT?!" Dan said, his voice returning to its normal, enraged tone. "YOU CAN'T EVEN PRONOU… I mean…YES that is my name."

"Well, _Juan_." Pinkie said with a knowing smile, glancing at the pink, bedazzled hatch-back, "What brings you out here?"

"Oh, you know…" _Juan _said, desperately thinking of something to say, "Gas station stuff…"

"Oh hey! That reminds me!" Chris spoke up. "My windows are a bit dirty. Mind taking care of that for me, _Juan_?"

_Juan _grumbled angrily and glared at Chris, but there was _no way _he was going to let Chris blow his cover like this. "Of course! Wait right here!" _Juan _turned on his heels dropped his _mustache_ and angrily made his way to Chris's car.

Pinkie followed _Juan _with her eyes and smiled impossibly wide.

"Ohmygosh, _**ohmygosh**_, _**OHMYGOSH**_!" She shrieked in excitement. "Dan likes disguises!? **I LOVE DISGUISES!**"

"Yeah that Dan, always beating u_**Imean **_dressing up as someone."

"He _almost_ fooled me, too!" Pinkie said, eye lids dropping slightly and her smile changing to that of one proud of herself.

"Oh?" Chris asked, surprise. You'd have to be pretty dense to not see through Dan's disguise.

"Yeeeaaah," Pinkie cooed, "but he forgot one small detail!" Pinkie added matter of factually. Pinkie placed her palm on the hood of Dan's car and smiled to herself. She then lifted it and gazed at her palm, realizing she had just turned it pink. "Whoops."

_Juan _returned, _mustache_ held against his lip, wielding a squeegee. He quickly swung it over his shoulder splashing Chris in the process.

"Hey!" Chris said, leveling an irritated glance at _Juan._

"Your car is all ready to go!"

"Thanks Juan!" Pinkie said, "Oh! We're going to the 'Lenny's' down the street! Would you like to come with us? We'd _love_ to have your company." Pinkie said raising her eyebrows knowingly.

"I…erm…_would _but…" Dan struggled to think of a convincing excuse, "I'm…_allergic_! To…"

"…"

"…food."

Chris raised his eyebrows, "You could have just said you still had work to do."

"Yeah! That, too!"

"Oh! Well…"Pinkie trailed off. "OH! Pictures!" Pinkie warped her arm around _Juan's _neck and snapped a picture of the two of them. "Great! Now you take one Chris!" Pinkie handed the camera to Chris who smiled and said "Say Cheese!"

Pinkie smiled wide and said "Cheeeeese!"

_Juan _silently glared at Chris.

Pinkie looked down at her camera excitedly, then looked up. "See you around, Juany…I mean Danny… _I mean_ Juan." She bounded back to the car with a "tra la la la la".

"I think she bought it!" Dan said to Chris.

"Dan, will you stop this nonsense and just join us for lunch?"

"And break _bread_ with the enemy? I think not…" Dan said coldly, crossing his arms. "…and _don't_ think I'm going to let this act of betrayal slide." Dan angrily climbed into his car.

"Fine." Chris said, also crossing his arms. "See you at 'Lenny's'. Oh!" Chris grinned, "You may want to hide your pink car next time." Chris said, pointing at the hood.

Dan frowned and looked out his windshield, noticing an effeminate looking hand print on the hood of his car. He buried his face in his palm, mumbled something obscene, started his car, and drove off.

He'd have to step up his game with this one.

She was clearly much smarter than she looked.

Chris shook his head, and started walking back to his car and an awaiting Pinkie Pie.

The bathroom door flew open behind him.

"Why does everything taste like pennies?!" A terrified, half-naked, gas station attendant enquired.

Chris went pale, emitted a perturbed "eeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh" and made his way back to his car.

Pinkie was beyond giddy at this point, "Oh! What do you think he'll put on next?! Oh! I bet he'll show up as our waiter! Oh! Oh! Or maybe a cook!"

"Well, sometimes with Dan you have to expect the unexpected." Chris dwelled on this for a second. "Okay, actually _always _with Dan you have to expect the unexpected." Chris pulled into the parking lot and exited the car.

"Hmnmmm…." Pinkie crossed her arms on the roof of the car and rested her head for a second, then perked up. "Clown. No! Firepon…I mean…person. _NO WAIT!" _Pinkie shrieked with delight holding her finger up in an "ah-ha" pose. "A _Walrus_!" She turned her body and wrung her hands, narrowing her eyelids. "No one EVER suspects the Walrus." She said with a knowing grin.

"Uh huh…"Chris said. It began to dawn on him he had swapped out one crazy friend for another flavor of crazy.

He walked to the entrance, holding the door open for Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie walked in, but still had the same knowing grin plastered on her face as she scanned the restaurant and… "Ah HA!" She pointed to a tall waiter in a long white coat, with short stubby arms, who looked like he was having a lot of trouble balancing and holding his order of food. "Nice try, DAN, but you have to try better than the ol' stilts and long coat routine to outsmart THIS pon…", Pinkie threw open the coat to reveal it was, in fact, three men with dwarfism posing as a single individual. The trio teetered and crashed into a nearby table splattering food all over the occupants and themselves.

Chris sat down at a booth and shielding his eyes, hoping no one noticed him.

Yeah, definitely just a new kind of crazy.

…Wait, why where there three men with dwarfism posing as a waiter?

Pinkie sat down across from Chris and started twiddling her thumbs. "This is hard." She announced, staring down at her hands.

There waitress come by and wordlessly dropped a couple of menus and waters. Chris quickly opened his and buried his head in it.

Pinkie grabbed hers and started pouring over it, and inhaled at a page "You can order breakfast _all day_?!" She asked exited.

Chris lowered his menu, "Yep! I'm going to order the Home Run Secial AND a double, bacon, cheese burger!" He said proudly, "Uh…if that's OK with you of course." He added, realizing he wasn't paying for a change.

"Of course!" Pinkie said in a squeaky voice. "It's the LEAST I can do for last night!" Just then, Pinkie inhaled a seemingly impossible amount of air.

"Good afternoon, friends." A short, unshaven, mustachioed man with a soul patch, in a top hat, tuxedo, and grey pants greeted Pinkie and Chris.

Chris and Pinkie stared blankly at him, until Pinkie quickly brought her camera up, snapped a quick photo, and just as quickly put it back in her bag. For one brief, shining second, the world was replaced by the dapper looking gentleman in front of her.

"Would you two do me the honor of letting me dine with you, this fine day?"

"Oh, _yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes_!" Pinkie said.

Chris rolled his eyes, as the well-dressed gentlemen sat next to him.

The gentlemen doffed his hat at Pinkie, "My name is Moneybags. _Mr._ Moneybags."

Pinkie beamed with delight and held out her hand, "My name is Pinkie Pie!" She exclaimed.

Rather than shake it, Mr. Moneybags gently took Pinkie's hand and gave her knuckles a tiny peck. Pinkie let out an audible "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee" of delight.

Chris simply continued to look perturbed with his head in his menu.

"Chris, would you like to introduce yourself to the nice man?" Pinkie asked.

Chris set his menu down, crossed his arms, and simply glared down at the well-dressed man sitting next to him.

"Chris, that is not how we make friends." Pinkie said in a maternal tone.

Chris narrowed his eyes at Pinkie, sighed, and extended a hand to _Mr. Moneybags._

Mr. Moneybags took it and gave it a firm shake, "Charmed, I'm sure."

Their waitress returned, placed a water in front of the well-dressed man, and coldly asked, "Are you ready to order?"

Chris ordered his special and burger, Pinkie ordered an endless stack of pancakes and some French toast, Mr. Moneybags ordered a turkey sandwich, no cheese, and no vegetables.

The waitress took their order and gave Pinkie a funny look as she walked off. Pinkie furrowed her brow and looked back at the two men sitting across from her.

"Pinkie," Chris whispered. "Your face."

Pinkie reached up only to smear MORE pink paint on her face. "Whoops, silly me! Be right back!" She dashed for the restroom.

Chris exhaled and looked down at _Mr. Moneybags._

"Dan, where did you get that outfit?" Chris asked, arms crossed.

"I spotted a Monopoly promotion a few blocks over when I hid my car. Their 75th anniversary or something. I rolled the mascot." Dan answered grinning to himself. "These clothes fit perfectly and the look amaaaazing!"

"Dan, this is ridiculous! Why don't you just try being her friend?" Chris asked, throwing his hands out in front of him, palms turned up.

"BECAUSE!" Dan insisted. "She's the _enemy_." Dan's face twisting into a sneer.

"You know she caused three dwarfs to drop a tray full of food on a table."

"She…wha?"

"She was trying to look for you and…" Chris clenched his eyes shut, leaned his head down, and clenched the bridge of his nose with his thumb, forefinger, and middle finger. "…it sounds crazy even describing it. It's exactly the sort of thing YOU would do!"

Before Dan could respond, Pinkie bounded back to the table with a happy grin, and sat back down.

"So, Mr. Moneybags! Tell us about yourself!"

Dan put back on his "old money" voice, and regaled the table with the delights of being rich and owning multiple properties, houses, and hotels in between bouts of Pinkie taking photos of everyone at the table and forcing the staff to snap photos as well.

Before long, their food had arrived.

Chris hungrily dug in.

Mr. Moneybags opened his sandwich and sighed disappointedly, staring at the bright, rectangular yellow blemish on his sandwich.

Pinkie looked at the sandwich, frowned, and stood up. She walked over and put her hand on Mr. Moneybag's shoulder and smiled warmly down at him. "I'll take care of this, dapper Dan man."

Pinkie grabbed the plate that was in front of Dan, walked into the kitchen and…

"WHAT IS THE BIG IDEA?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL SOMEONE?! NO CHEESE! _NO CHEESE! _DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU JUST PUT POISON IN A MAN'S FOOD?! HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED WITH YOUR CARELESSNESS!? **HOW MUCH BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS?! **MAKE IT AGAIN AND DON'T EMBARRASS YOURSELVES THIST TIME!"

Chris's and Dan's jaws dropped. Though, Chris recovered quickly enough to continue eating. Dan continued gawking at Pinkie until she sat down across from him and Chris.

"They said, they'd make you a new one and get it out to you in a jiffy." Pinkie said sweetly, pulling her lips up into an audible squee. She grabbed a slice of plain white toast from a plate in front of her and took a small bite. "Toast?" She asked, sliding the plate towards Dan.

Dan regained his senses long enough to grab a slice and start nibbling on it.

Within a matter of minutes, a new, cheeseless, vegetableless turkey sandwich was in front of him, which he happily consumed.

After the three had finished their meals, the waitress came to fetch their plates. "Finished?" She asked, eager to get them out of the restaurant.

Pinkie smiled wide, "Desert?" She asked.

The waitress sighed, pulled out her pad of paper and pen, and tapped her foot impatiently.

"I will have the double-chocolate Sunday!" Chris exclaimed.

"Pie ala Mode." Dan said, still doing an "old money" voice.

Pinkie looked across the table to someone's yellow drink with a red tint on top, "Oooh, what's that!?" She asked excitedly.

The waitress looked behind her and sighed, "Strawberry lemonade." She answered flatly.

"Sounds delicious! I LOVE strawberries AND lemonade."

"Hope you like disappointment, too." Dan muttered, forgetting he was still pretending to be someone else.

Pinkie glanced at him.

Dan decided to clear his throat for about the next thirty seconds to detour suspicion.

Chris prayed they'd get out of the restaurant without further incident.

It was not to be.

The waitress soon returned with their order, along with a check. Placing all the desert items in front of them along with the slip of paper.

Pinkie took a sip of her drink, leaned her head under the table, and quickly spit what she had sipped on the floor. "Blech!" She exclaimed.

Chris increased the pace of his eating, sensing he had very little time to consume his desert.

"What IS this?" Pinkie asked with a disgusted look on her face, motioning at her beverage.

The waitress sighed, a sound the occupants of the table were getting used to. "It's what you ordered, ma'am."

Dan waved his hand dismissively, "Only if she ordered artificially colored sugar water with synthetic lemon and strawberry flavors." He said in his regular tone of voice.

Pinkie's face went red, "FAKE LEMONS AND STRAWBERRIES!? _**FAKE LEMONS AND STRAWBERRIES!?"**_ She screamed at the top of her lungs.

Chris feverishly attempted to devour his Sunday.

"Ma'am, if you'd like something else, I'm sure…"

"WHY?! SO YOU CAN SERVE US **MORE** _**LIES AND POISON**_?!"

"Gwah!" Chris grabbed his head having consumed way too much ice cream way too fast.

"AND NOW THEY'RE TRING TO GET CHRIS, TOO! WELL _NO DICE_! TELL MR. LENNY THAT WE'VE SEEN THROUGH HIS TWISTED WEB OF DECENT AND MURDER!" Pinkie turned to Dan. "Mr. Moneybags!" Pinkie called out with authority.

Dan hopped to his feet, wide eyed.

"Grab Chris and RUN!" Dan grabbed his friend who rose to his feet, before either could process what was going on, Pinkie grabbed her glass and point blank threw the contents into the face of their waitress.

Their waitress wasted no time in clutching her face, collapsing to the ground, and screaming, "HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!" As she writhed in agony.

The three bolted for the door.

Once outside, Chris sprinted for his car. Pinkie stopped and grabbed Dan's hand, causing him to turn and face her. She leaned down, put her mouth within an inch of his ear, and whispered, "We'll be at the mall, next." With that, she jumped in the car with Chris.

The blue sedan sped off into the distance.

Dan quickly made himself scarce, stripped back down to his jeans and "JERK" shirt, and started walking back to his car, clutching most his disguise (he opted to keep wearing the hat, not wanting to damage it).

He pondered his next move…

Maybe friendship with Pinkie wouldn't be so bad…

_After_ he had his revenge, of course.


	10. Chapter 9

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie Chapter 9 Chris Vs. Boredom

Elise clawed at the headset on her ears in frustration. A useless gesture since she was still fully suited up in her Hazmat suit.

What the _hell_ was that?!

Elise sighed.

Well _that _theory is a smoking ruin.

Bugging Chris's clothing before he left this morning with a small wireless microphone and a much larger receiver and transmitter planted in the car made spying on him, or more importantly, those around him?

Easy.

"Pinkie Pie" and her sudden arrival was suspicious, that's for sure. If Pinkie wanted to harm Dan, she would have done it by now.

And hey, I've been targeted for assassination before. Pinkie _could_ have been after me…

Of course, if she knows me well enough to use Chris, she could have held him hostage. Heck, she'd probably _have_ my address. She could have turned this house into a deathtrap if she wanted…

Elise glanced at her project; a mini-fridge sized device that was opened up to reveal a smooth, round metal panel with a radiation symbol on it and a few loose wires sticking out.

…

More of a death trap.

_Maybe_ Pinkie's intention is to discreetly keep her distance, by slowly gain Chris's trust enough that I'll, in turn, befriend her and let her too close to any of the myriad of special projects and equipment I'm was working on.

Like Mr. Micro Fission generator, here…

…You know…would it _kill _maintenance to pay a little more attention to deadlines when they decide the building needs to be fumigated?

Anyhow, "discreet" is the absolute _last _word I'd use at this point. After the episode at 'Lenny's', it's became rather apparent that Pinkie is no professionally trained spy.

…

Oh well. I guess it's nice that no enemy agencies know where I live…

…Or will be holding Chris hostage.

Elise turned back to the device with the large radioactive symbol printed on it.

Maybe I can finish early enough to invite everyone for a late dinner and then I can see what this Pinkie was like.

…

Yeah, I think I better go out and buy some fresh strawberries and lemons.

Chris rested his chin on his hand with a bored expression plastered across his face, his body slouching on a bench

His silent prayer that the day return to some degree of normalcy had been answered, but…

Well…

Be careful of what you wish for.

…

WHY?

_WHY, GOD, WHY?!_

Pinkie emerged from the dressing rooms wearing a light pink raglan with slightly darker pink sleeves, loose, blue suspenders hanging over dark pink shorts with light pink highlights, yellow and blue stripped, stalking's, and red sneakers.

"How does this look, Chris?" Pinkie asked, blue eyes beaming with a smile to match all framed by curly pink hair and a white bandage across her forehead.

Chris plastered on a fake smile, "It looks great, Pinkie!"

Pinkie brought her clenched hands together in under her chin with a huge smile, turned back into the dressing room, and bounded out of site.

Chris heard a startled "_Whaaah_", a crash, and a familiar "I'm ooooookaaaay."

…Please God.

ANYTHING!

ANYONE!

Just _SAVE_ him from…

Chris's phone rang and in a flash he clicked the "Talk" icon and held his phone up to his ear.

"DAN! Thank **GOD** you called."

There was a pause.

"Chris, please." Dan requested, not used to an enthusiastic Chris on the other line.

"Haha", Chris said sarcastically. "You've GOT to help me! She's taken me…" -Chris brought the phone in extra close, put on a panicked expression, and whispered into the phone.—"…_clothes shopping._"

Pinkie appeared once more, while Chris instinctively put back on his mask of enjoyment.

"And this?" Pinkie asked. This time in a simple pink and red floral design shirt and cutoff jeans.

"It looks great, Pinkie!" He said, perfectly matching tone and cadence of his last "It looks great, Pinkie!", and the one before that, and the one before that…

…and the one before that.

Pinkie smiled wide, and trotted back out of sight.

"Chris? Stay with me, buddy. We're going to get through this _together_." Dan said, a touch of concern in his voice. "Anyhow," Dan added, "She needs a new outfit. She dresses like a high schooler who escaped from a school where everyone is forced to wear colorful clothing at gunpoint."

"She's not getting _'a new outfit'_, Dan! She's getting…" -Chris brought the phone in extra close, put on a panicked expression, and whispered into the phone, his voice little more than a raspy, hollow version, of his old voice, once so full of hope and life -"…a collection of outfits." Chris's voice broke into quiet, muffled, sobs.

"You mean a 'collection of a single outfit', right?" Dan asked in disbelief.

"N….na…no…" Chris whispered in his low, hollow voice. "She's getting…"-Chris started tearing up-"…getting…"-Chris swallowed hard—"more than one outfit."

Pinkie Pie appeared again.

"Chris! Chris! How's this one look?"

"It looks great, Pinkie!"

"…you didn't actually look up."

Through chipping away at his expression like a stone cutter chipping at granite, Chris's expression changed to a tortured smile and he looked up.

Pinkie was wearing a simple pink dress, a denim jacket, and some blue flats.

"It looks great, Pinkie!"

"Awww, thanks!" Pinkie said smiling, bounding off to the back again.

"Help me Dan…help me!"

"Stay with me buddy, I'll find you. Which store are you in."

"Boredstrom's" Chris said, a hint of his old tone in his voice.

There was a sound of laughter on the other end. "Niiiice one buddy. I think that deserves an 'oh, snap!'"

Some color returned to Chris's fate. "Dan, I'm trying to use humor to keep my spirits up, but I'm breaking. God help me, I'm breaking!"

"I'll be there shortly." Dan said.

"Let me guess," Chris said, "You need to beat up someone who works at the mall and wear their clothing so you can discreetly keep an eye on 'Pinkie Pie' for your revenge scheme?" Chris said, his voice returning to his normal 'annoyed with Dan' tone."

"…You are so juvenile, you know that?" Dan answered. "She _invited_ me here! Why would I need to disguise myself if she asked me to come?"

Chris brought his palm up to his face and dragged it downwards. "Riiiiight. What was I thinking? So you're giving up on vengeance then?"

"_NEVER_! I've just decided to call a little truce for now, that's all."

"Dan, I really think you should just give…"

Pinkie popped into view again, wearing a red and white striped, long-sleeved shirt, short denim shorts, and pink sneakers.

"Ooooh, Chriiiiiisss~" She called.

"_It_ **looks** _**great**_, _Pinkie_!" Chris said, his tone rampaging like a wild animal, neck violently spasming with every word.

Pinkie giggled, and bounded back to the dressing room with a "tr la la la la".

Chris huddled over his phone, violently shaking, "Dan?" He said in a voice of pure, unadulterated terror, "What if she starts changing her outfit every year…**WHAT IF SHE CHANGES HER OUTFIT EVERY MONTH**!?" Panic gripped Chris's heart like the reaper plucking a soul from the mortal coil. He murmured into the phone, "It's too late for me, buddy. Tell my wife I love her…and ice cream…but _mostly_ her." Chris spun around to find the nearest window to throw himself out of, but something caught his eye.

Dan was standing a few feet in front of him.

Chris terminated the call. "How long have you been there?" He asked flatly.

Dan looked up to the ceiling for a second, tapping his chin with his index finger. "'What was I thinking?'" He answered, returning his gaze to Chris.

"What took you so long, anyways?" Chris demanded, angrily leveling a finger at Dan.

"I had to find your car, and…_why_ am I on trial here?!" Dan asked, agitated.

"Sorry Dan." Chris's voice softened to an even tone. "Can you blame me? I've been stuck here in the _Twilight Zone_ where picking out outfit_**s**_"-Chris stressed the 's' as hard as he could—"is a thing, plus there was the whole ordeal at 'Lenny's'."

Dan's smile grew wide, "Which I had nothing to do with! Wasn't it great?"

"But you…" Chris paused. Dan was right. Dan's only oddball behavior was assaulting a mascot a few blocks away and showing up dressed in formal wear.

For once, there was a commotion that Dan had nothing to do with.

Pinkie had singlehandedly caused _three_ separate incidents at the restaurant ending with the three of them fleeing the scene of the crime.

That's it.

She was the antilife.

She would consume this planet in Hellfire and we were all doomed to dance her twisted dance to her off-beat drum until she tired of us.

Chris needed an escape.

He needed an out.

Pinkie popped into view wearing a short sleeved button-up white shirt covered by a blue sweater vest, cut-off jeans, rainbow colored leg warmers, and red flats.

"OK, now be honest, I have a goo…DAN!" Pinkie took a running jump and tackle-hugged Dan to the ground, whose back responded with a crack and whose voice responded with a "_Ghhak!_"

Chris couldn't take it. He turned and fled to the window. The closer he got to the window, the freer he felt. The world outside shone like the brightest freedom he had never known. A comfort beyond this dingy world with its girls who purchase multiple ensembles and attack waitresses with sugary, syrupy beverages. His expression changed to that of serene joy.

He didn't belong to the world anymore.

He belonged to the world of light.

This thin sheet of glass…_nay_…this tall, pudgy body would not trap his soul any longer.

He leapt.

Leapt into the open, outstretched arms of pure freedom and bliss.

Glass shattered around him, catching rays of sunlight that hit him from all angles. Turning the world into thousands and thousands points of light.

As he the ground rushed to meet him, his last thoughts where…

"I'm finally home."

"Uhhhh…" Pinkie looked down at Chris who had curled into the fetal position on the carpet, started staring blankly into space and chanting "Pink, fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows!" over and over again with a twisted smile on his face.

"Is he okay?" Pinkie asked Dan with concern.

Dan lifted his foot and poked Chris with the point of his shoe.

Chris simply rocked back in forth in response.

Dan shrugged, "He'll be fine." He looked back up at Pinkie and smiled, "You look _great_, by the way!"

"_**REALLY**_?!" Pinkie said, her face lit up with a shining smile.

"Really, really." Dan answered. "Professional looking from the waist up, but fun and quirky going the other direction,"

Pinkie beamed.

"…But if you tell anyone I just made a _Shrek_ reference, I'll suffocate you in your sleep." Dan added informatively.

"What's a 'Shrek'?"

"Never mind." Dan rocked back and forth on his heels. "Any more?"

"Nope!" Pinkie said, shaking her head. "All _done-runnery-run_!"

Chris suddenly came to his senses, sprung to his feat "Oh _COME ON!" _He said throwing both his hands out in a Pinkie Pieish direction.

"Chris buddy! So nice of you to join us!" Dan said, happily.

"Yeah…I kinda went somewhere for a moment…" Chris said, his sentence and vision trailing off into space.

"Yes, that was very rude." Dan said sternly.

"You feeling alright, Chris?" Pinkie inquired with a touch of concern in her voice.

"**FINE**!" Chris insisted sharply, his head twitching slightly. "Everything is _just_ fine!" He forced a smile to grow on his face like mold slowly gaining a foothold on a loaf of bread.

Pinkie smiled, relieved. "Okie-dokie-lokie! Let me just change back into what I was…"

Chris slowly turned his head to look out the window, the light shining through it seductively.

Dan put his hand on Pinkie's shoulder. "I think you should just wear _this_ out of the store." He said with a smile.

For perhaps the first time in his life, Chris thanked God, any other deities listening, and just the universe in general that Dan existed.

"You can _DO_ that?" Pinkie asked excitedly.

Dan patted Pinkie's back for store tags. With a little "Eek" from Pinkie, pulled each one off her clothing, and handed her the little pile of cardboard slips.

Pinkie graciously took the pile. "Thank you, Dan." She said with a genuine tone. "Oh!" Pinkie Pie wiped out her camera, scotched close into Dan and snapped a photo of the two.

"Welp! I guess I should go pay, then." Pinkie said, motioning to two shopping carts full of shirts, skirts, dresses, socks, shoes, etc…

Dan looked amazed. "You're buying all _this_?"

"Yep…why? Is there something _wrong_ with that?" Pinkie asked, wondering if she was unwittingly committing some strange form of taboo on this world.

Chris bended down and whispered in Dan's ear. "She'll be the end of us all, she's the seventh seal. She has become "_death_", destroyer of worlds."

Dan narrowed his eyes. "Time." He said, putting his arms around Chris and walking him a few feet further from Pinkie Pie.

Chris blinked, "What?"

"J. Robert Oppenheimer mistranslated the line. It's more accurate to say 'time' instead of 'death.'" Dan sad informatively, but annoyed.

Chris stood up, "No kidding..? What was he quoting?"

Dan threw his hands up in the air, "I DON'T KNOW! Some Indian rock band, or something…_Look_" Dan said, abruptly changing the subject. "You want to get out of this alive, right?"

Chris glanced at the window and started sweating profusely, "Yes. That is a thing I would like very much."

"Good," Dan replied. He pointed towards the mall entrance of the store. "See that caramel corn stand?"

"Yes, I see it." Chris replied.

Dan grabbed Chris by both shoulders and pulled him closer to his face so Chris's undivided attention was on Dan, "You're going to go over there, buy two bags of caramel corn, meet us at the register, and give one of the bags to me."

"And the caramel corn will keep us alive?!" Chris said, smiling, hope finally reentering the fragmented shell he called "existence".

"I guarantee it, buddy." Dan said encouragingly.

Chris stood up. "Bless you Dan." He said, turning towards the caramel corn shop, tears in his eyes. "Bless you." He added with a whisper.

Dan turned back to look at Pinkie, who seemed pensive as she absentmindedly played with the hem of her shirt. A sign Dan was starting to recognize as her "I'm not sure what I should be doing now" move.

"Here," Dan said, going up to one of the carts, "let me help you bring this to the register."

Pinkie's smile returned as quickly as it left, and she led the way to the nearest register.

A blond, light-skinned, female cashier looked up at the two carts presented in front of her. "I...I…"she stammered. "M…Miss, are you buying all this?"

"Yeppy deppy leppy!" Pinke answered enthusiastically.

"Early Christmas shopping?"

"What's 'Christmas'?"

"Hanukah."

"What's 'Hanukah'?"

The cashier looked Pinkie up and down. It was a long shot, but…

"Kwanzaa?" The cashier asked, gulping.

"What's…"

Dan interrupted, putting a hand on Pinkie's shoulder and motioning to her with his other hand, "My friend here would like to purchase all these clothes for herself…to wear."

"Did you just call me _'friend'_?" Pinkie said, a hopeful look on her face, her heart skipping a beat.

The cashier froze in place, looking at the cart Pinkie had pushed up.

"Yeah, but don't let it go to your head, or I'll have to demote you to 'associate'." Dan said with a wry grin.

Pinkie enthusiastically shook her head. "I won't, Dan!"

Dan looked back at the cashier, "Clothes! Scan, _NOW_!"

"I…yes…of course sir…ma'am. Right away."

The cashier began scanning items, breaking into sobs that wracked her body by the time she rung up enough clothing to make three different outfits.

"Cindy?" A dark complexioned man called from a few isles down. He approached the register.

"Oh, Robert! This woman is purchasing all this clothing…._FOR HERSELF_!"

"What?! But…"

"Dan, if I'm doing something wrong…."

"NO!" Dan insisted, "You are the customer and the customer is _always _right. You have every right to buy this clothing!" Dan looked at the cashiers. "Doesn't she?"

Robert stood up straight. "Yes. Yes you're right. It's our duty as cashiers to make sure she's happy with her purchase."

Chris returned with two huge bags of caramel corn.

"Chris! Perfect timing! It's starting to get good!"

Chris looked over the mounds of clothing still needing to be purchased, stuck a hand into his bag of caramel corn, and shoved a giant handful into his mouth.

"Oh, Robert!" Cindy said, embracing Robert tightly, one foot in the air. "You've restored my drive as a clothing store cashier."

"Yes Cindy." Robert said, smiling warmly. "Let's ring her up, _together_."

The couple managed to scan all the items, slowly losing their pace, buckling under the mental strain of the concept of a girl who would wear more than a single outfit, but they reached the end. They had…"

Dan chewed a mouthful of caramel corn, and pushed up the second cart. "This one, too."

Little by little, a crowd of store employees and customers, most of whom with stacks and stacks of identical articles of clothing, gathered around the scene in front of them.

Robert broke down into a heap of tears, "I can't do it. I can't go on. I _just_ can't."

Pinkie's lower lip quibbled. "I can put stuff back, if…"

"NO!" Dan insisted, putting an arm around the slightly taller woman's shoulders. He looked back to the cashiers. "This woman can purchase anything she wants, _HOW_ she wants. It's not up to us to dictate how she _can_ and _can't_ buy her clothing."

Cindy embraced Robert tightly, "Come on Robert!" She said through, sobs of her own. "It's you and me against the world. We'll get through this together, or die trying."

Robert broke into tortured wailing, "I'M SORRY, CINDY! I CAN'T BE THE MAN YOU _**NEED**_ ME TO BE!"

"What in Sam Hill is going on here?!" A muscular man with brown, slicked back hair, a mustache, wearing a white shirt and a black tie and a name tag that said "Frank" walked up.

"Ah, good day sir." Dan said politely, handing his bag of caramel corn to Pinkie, who took a few handfuls.

"Hummm! Tasty!" Pinkie said, enjoying the sugary snack.

Chris was already halfway through his own bag, eating at a fevered pace.

"My _friend_ here would like to purchase all this clothing." Dan said, motioning to the items scanned and bagged and the items in cart #2. "To wear…for herself."

Cindy and Robert broke into a heap of tears and clung to each other desperately.

Frank put his, big, stern hands on their shoulders.

"Take a break you, two. You've done enough."

Robert and Cindy looked up, "But…SIR..!" Robert began.

Frank shook his head from side to side. "I'm sorry solider. Training…." He trailed off for a second, picking his word. "Training doesn't always prepare us for the real world, and sometimes even surviving multiple 'Black Fridays' isn't enough when all we thought we knew about the world is called into question." Frank sighed, his heavy shoulders heaving as if taking the weight of the world on them. "Take a break."

Cindy and Robert looked at each other, exchanged a longing glance, and stood up.

"No sir." Robert said, defiantly.

"I SAID TAKE A BREAK, SOILDER! THAT'S AN ORDER!"

Cindy spoke up, "We can't sir. We can't have our love tarnished knowing we left you to die at the register." Cindy took a shirt…

…_AND SCANNED IT_.

Pinkie and Dan where now freely sharing a bag of caramel corn, she leaned closer to Dan and whispered "This is getting REALLY good!" Pointing to the cashiers.

Dan smiled, and took another handful of caramel corn.

Frank teared up a bit, and patted both cashiers on the shoulder.

"You two are the best soldiers I've ever had in my command. Alright, we fight together, we _DIE_ together. If we don't make it through this, I'll see you both in Raghalla."

There was cheers and crying from the crowd, the manager and his two cashiers fought bravely, scanning item after item, removing hangers, and security tags. A seemingly endless pile of clothing stood against them, but at the end of the day, the clothes where found wanting, and conveniently bagged for taking to the car.

"Anything else, miss?" Frank asked, exhausted, out of breath, but alive, so very alive.

"OH!" Pinkie exclaimed looking down at her cart. She reached down and produced a sizeable pile of colorful fashion jewelry. "This, too! It'll be great to accessorize."

The crowd gasped.

Robert cracked. "NO! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" He sprinted to the window, and threw his body through it with a blood curdling scream, the sound of shattering glass cutting deeply into the tense air.

Cindy fell under the onslaught as well. "No Robert! TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Cindy cried, diving through the hole Robert had left in the window. A hole she couldn't bear to have in her heart.

Pinkie Pie turned to the broken window shocked. "Maybe I should just go…"she started.

Dan opened his mouth to speak, but was silenced by Frank putting a large, stubby finger within a few inches of Dan's mouth.

"No." Frank said, looking at Pinkie. "They were good soldiers, the _BEST _even, but they knew the risks when they enlisted." Frank looked back at his staff who had started to cry at the tragic loss of their co-workers. "We hold the line here. We will _NOT _let Cindy and Robert die in vain! Are you with me?"

A dark complexioned woman with brown, curly hair stepped up, "Do the job, sir."

Frank, began ringing bracelets, necklaces, rings with hearts on them, and items of all different shapes in colors. Other employees would walk up to bag, some falling in duty and being dragged off to the side, only to be replaced by the next worker.

Eventually, the jewelry was all bagged, and added to the carts with the other articles of clothing.

Frank, huffed, his mouth dry, his muscles aching. "Any…anything, else?" He asked.

"Nopey dopey dope!" Pinkie happily produced her wallet. "OH! I _almost_ forgot."

Dan and Chris inhaled handfuls of caramel corn, their eyes transfixed on the drama in front of them.

Pinkie produced a small collection of store tags. "These are what I'm wearing now!"

Dan looked at them in shook. "That's…that's not what you were wearing when you first got dressed, today?"

"Nope! Dan said it looked so good I should just wear it out of the store!" Pinkie said sweetly. "Good thing, too! I was starting to get tired of wearing the same thing I was wearing last night."

In the crowd, people fainted, screamed, and rushed children towards emergency exits, pushing each other in an effort to get away. Clothing displays tumbled, manikins fell to the ground…

Pinkie stared confusingly at the carnage unfolding in front of her.

Dan and Chris devoured their caramel corn.

Frank threw up his arms for silence. "HOLD RANKS!" he yelled in a booming voice. His retail store workers, the ones still standing, obediently complied.

"And how often are you going to wear something new? Yearly..." he gulped, his grim face darkened by the horrors he had witnessed that day… "Monthly?"

Pinkie Pie giggled, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

Frank's expression softened.

"I'll probably pick something new every day!"

Panicked screaming gripped the ranks, but against all odds, with a scream of "I SAID HOLD THE RANKS.", the line held.

"_DAN_!" Chris said in a panicked desperation, "I'm out of popcorn!"

Dan handed Chris what was left of his bag. "Hang in there buddy." Dan said reassuringly, "We're almost through this."

Chris took the bag of caramel corn and buried his head in it as if he was eating from a feed bag.

Pinkie's eyes confusingly darted from side to side… "So…how much?" She said, holding up her wallet.

Frank reached down and clasped Pinkie's hands over her wallet, he looked deep into her blue eyes, the color of the sky, the color of the heavens, and said, "Nothing. The clothes are yours. Keep them and…remember us…remember how bravely we fought."

"Ummm…thanks? And…sure?" Pinkie said, having lost complete track of anything that was going on at this point.

Frank turned to his troops. "I'm sorry, but…it's over. In our hubris we thought we could play with the gods' fire. But we got burnt." Workers at the store began to weep openly. "We all have told our little lies to ourselves, that we weren't doing anything wrong, that _WE _were simply catering to as many people as possible, but this woman…no, ANGEL has come to show us our folly. We were fools. Prideful, _sinful _fools to think we could control what we had unleased on the world." Frank wiped a tear from his eye.

"Burn it down."

"Burn it all down."

"Don't let our mistake corrupt the world. We opened Pandora's Box, we can't close it…but maybe we can just hold it back…even for just a little while."

Pinkie leaned in close to Dan, "Dan…can you help explain what's going on? I'm really starting to freak out and…"

Frank put his, large, heavy hands on Pinkie's shoulder. "Go. Don't you understand? You're our 'hope'. Take your bounty of apparel and leave us to our fate." Frank began to weep openly, "I'm sorry but…erm…."

"Pinkie Pie."

"…Pinkie Pie. Yes, of course, such a…heavenly name." The screams and flames behind Frank rose high, beginning to consume everything. "I'm sorry but…we're not ready to live in the glorious world you do. We're not worthy. But…thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing it with us."

"Yoooou're…welcome?" Pinkie said with a confused smile.

Frank felt his heart melt with Pinkie's words. Maybe there was still a spot for him in heaven after all.

Frank turned to the roaring fire, and walked into the flames.

Never to be seen or heard from again.

"Dan…Did that man just…"

Chris had finished the caramel corn from the bag and was now desperately trying to lick any sugary residue left inside.

"Yeah, we should probably go…" Dan said pushing a cart with one hand and grabbing Chris with the other.

Pinkie grabbed the other cart and exited the store, the three putting some distance between them and the blaze, the firefighters, and the mass of onlookers.

Pinkie's heart felt very heavy in her chest as she desperately tried to comprehend what had just taken place. Tears welled up in her eyes and she felt she would collapse into a bottomless pit of tears and sadness.

Dan put his hands on her shoulders and got her to make eye contact with him, "Don't cry Pinkie. If it makes you feel better, stuff like this happens all the time when Chris and I go to the mall."

Pinkie held the dam of tears and sadness at bay, "Really?"

"_**WHAT**_?! No Dan, no it does…" Chris stopped himself, thought for a second, remembering Christmases working with Dan, and just trips to buy a few things, sighed slouching his shoulders and plastered an "I give up" expression on his face. "Actually, yes, Pinkie. Something like this pretty much happens _**every time**_ Dan and I go to the mall."

Pinkie Pie wiped her tears, and resurrected a smile onto her face.

She did, in fact, feel a little better.


	11. Chapter 10

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie Chapter 10 Dan Vs. Mall Cop

"So," Dan said rubbing his hands together, "what's next?"

Chris's jaw dropped. "You're not serious…DAN," Chris said raising his voice, "There's a multi-story clothing store that's _still on fire," _Chris motioned back towards the direction they just walked from, _"_and you want to know what store we're going to next?"

"Of course! There are several dozen apparel stores here. I figure Pinkie can hit at least half before the mall closes, or they're forced to kick everyone out from fear of smoke inhalation."

Chris's pupils dilated, he bent down and wrapped his hands around his knees, and gently started rocking back and forth.

Even Pinkie gave a little shutter. "Ummm…", She looked at her two shopping carts full of clothing, the last surviving relics of a once proud, but now flaming anchor store. "I'm pretty sure I have enough clothes, now."

Chris sat back upright, hope returning to his face.

Dan shrugged, "Suit yourself."

Pinkie giggled and cocked an eyebrow, "Did you just pun? I love puns! Pun rhymes with 'fun' and Pinkie Pie is all abo…"

"Pinkie", Dan said, putting a hand on the bubbly girl's shoulder, "I would like to inform you that I own multiple items capable of delivering blunt force trauma, and remind you that I know where you live." Dan said calmly with a smile.

"Consider me _informed _and _reminded_!" Pinkie replied cheerfully.

"Pack mule," Dan said producing his keys and turning to Chris in one, smooth motion. "I parked next to you." Dan tossed his keys at Chris who snagged them as they hit his chest. "Be a dear and load my car up while the lady and I hit some more shops."

"What? Why?" Chris asked, annoyed that Dan was forcing manual labor on him.

"_A_: Because she lives next to me and I can easily take her home and help her unpack…"

At the mention that Dan was not only going to take her home, but _actually_ help her, her face radiated with happiness, she cupped a hand over her fist and brought her hands up to her chin, then started giddily hopping from one foot to the next.

"_B_: Because you're the Chris."

Pinkie lost her footing and had another date with the ground.

"_C_: Because, do you _really_ want to do more shopping with us?"

Pinkie stood up in a flash with a little, "I'm up!" in case anyone hadn't noticed.

Chris looked at Dan, then at Pinkie, then behind her to the smoldering store, smoke still billowing out of the entrance, then at the two full shopping carts. He grinned wide, "Sure I'll take these to your car, _buddy!_" Chris placed a hand on either cart and added, "But, it's an _awful lot _of clothing, and your car is _ever so _small. It might take me a while to load it all up."

Dan waved, "Take your time, buddy."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Pinkie bounded up to Chris, "Where should we meet up?"

"Food court." Chris said, not even having to think.

"Ulg, No!" Dan answered disgustedly, "Not the food court."

"Wow! Is that like, where food goes to stand trial? Because that sounds _amazing_!" Pinkie answered excitedly.

"I wouldn't get my hopes up if I where you." Dan said.

"Come on, Dan! I've given so much today." Chris insisted, "Don't take this away from me." He added, begging as a slight hollowness returned to his voice.

Dan rolled his eyes and with an annoyed "**Fiiiiiiiiine**", Chris happily pushed the carts towards outside.

"So," Dan started, turning back to Pinkie, "What else do you need for the new place? A set of kitchen knives? A high-speed blender? Power tools? A medieval weapon to smite your enemies with?" Dan asked, moving his eyebrows up and down on the last suggestion.

Pinkie pondered this, "Well…There isn't much there, but I think I conveniently have all the items the plot requires at any given time." Pinkie said over the sound of a wall collapsing behind her.

Dan blinked a few times trying to process what Pinkie just said, shook his head to clear it, "There must be _something _you need." He insisted.

Pinkie thought a little harder, but stopped when something caught her eye. "Oh! _Oh! That thing!" _Pinkie ran into a store excitedly and grabbed a pink, frilly photo album. She held it up smiling, and looked around to realize she was standing in an isle full of stickers, more bedazzling jewels, and other assortment of craft items, and with a high pitched squeal of delight, Pinkie began rummaging through the selection and grabbing item after item, stacking them on top of the photo album.

Dan sighed.

Oh well, looks like I signed up for a bit more regular shopping and a bit less wonton destruction than I thought.

Maybe I can figure out her weaknesses at least…

Just then, something caught Dan's eye. He quickly hid around the entrance to the store and peered out.

Mall cop…

A large, pudgy man with a small mustache, closely cropped brown hair in a white uniform and black pants held on with a belt that had a small canister, a walkie-talkie, and a small assortment of other small boxes and compartments hanging off of it cruised by on a Segway.

The day as come, Mall cop. Your name had been a black stain on "the list" for far too long! Vengeance _shall_ be…"

"Who are we spying on?" A familiar, feminine voice whispered from above him

Dan let out a startled "_Gah_!", and leapt a few feet away from Pinkie.

How does she do that?

She's clumsy enough that she's wearing a bandage over her forehead, but somehow she can seemingly pop out of nowhere?

And how does she do it so quietly? She spends just about every other waking moment talking or making some high-pitched noise or anoth…

"Dan?" Pinkie asked, breaking his concentration.

"Ah…erm…" Dan threw an arm around Pinkie's shoulders and brought her out so she could see his target.

"Mall cop." Dan answered, pointing towards the large man on a Segway, no small amount of scorn in his voice.

Pinkie giggled, "What's that?"

"He's an evil individual who is a plight on the mall and all who grace its doors. He flaunts what little power he has afforded by his title and harasses all he comes across." Dan answered, lacing his words with righteous indignation.

"No, I mean…what's that he's ridding?" Pinkie pointed at the upright, wheeled device that was propelling the mall security officer at the blistering speed of 8 miles per hour.

"Oh, that's a Segway." Dan answered, "Lazy people use them when they don't feel like walking places."

Pinkie closed her eyes and laughed, "That's silly! Walking is one of my favorite things _ev-devely-ever!_ She glanced at the Segway as vehicle and driver exited the mall into the parking lot. "Looks fun, though."

"Yeah…" Dan trailed off and thought for a second, "_**Let's steal it**_!"

"_**What**_? Dan no, we can't…"

"But… _**Vengeance**_!" Dan insisted, turning his palms up for dramatic effect.

"Dan! I'm sorry, but there are just some things I'm not comfortable with, and '_stealing from people because they're unpleasant to those around them' _is one of those things."

Dan crossed his arms, turned away, and put on an angry pout.

"Have you tried being his friend, or throwing a party for him? Ooh! Oooh! I _bet _if you _really _just got to know him, you two could become good friends!" Pinkie inhaled loudly as an idea came to her, "OH! I can help! I'm a _genius_ when it comes to parties."

It was Dan's turn to reply in surprise, "_**What?! **_**No**, he's the _enemy! _You don't throw _parties _for the _enemy _unless you're going to poison them, shoot them multiple times, club them, castrate them, and throw them in an icy river to drown."

"I…that's…" Pinkie searched for the correct words, "Rather specific!" she offered.

"Look, _associate,_" Dan said, lacing the word "associate" with venom. "If you don't want to help me, then I'm sure I can enlist Chris easy enough…"

Pinkie's lip started quivering, "Ah Dan, don't be like that."

Dan wrapped an arm around Pinkie's back and point a finger at her chest with his free hand.

Pinkie leaned her head back in response, unprepared for the sudden closing in distance between the two.

"Do you want to be my friend, or don't you."

"Oh yes, oh yes, oh…", Pinkie's expression sank and her heart starting pounding in her chest. "What did you have in mind?" She asked, afraid she already knew the answer.

Dan began to speak then stopped for a second, remembering the group's ill (or awesome, depending on your point of view) fated trip to 'Lenny's'.

Pinkie Pie had many traits.

And most of those traits where pretty terrible.

However, "pushover" certainly wasn't one of them.

Maybe it was best not to _use_ her...

"Good, then buy me a cinnamon bun."

…_much_.

Pinkie's expression did a 180 and she closed the distance between her and Dan and gave him another hug.

Dan was starting to get used to the sound of his bones cracking.

Before grabbing cinnamon buns, Dan convinced Pinkie to pick up a few more items, some kitchen knives, some baking tools and equipment (Dan said Pinkie could borrow his cake mixer, which he, of course, had because his mechanic had tried to replace his engine with it because said mechanic was deep in debt due to unground, giant mechanical suit fighting and betting.), and a pink crowbar. Dan was _very _convincing about the virtues of having a crowbar, and Pinkie was very happy to find one in her color. Pinkie also managed to find a place to develop all her photos.

After a bit, Pinkie bought cinnamon buns for her, Dan, and an extra one for Chris (which Dan insisted he didn't deserve, but was overruled on the grounds that Pinkie was paying). The two made their way up to the food court where Chris was already waiting for them, a partially consumed tray of food in front of him on top of a round table.

"Hey guys!" Chris waved the two over, who deposited Pinkie's collection at their feet and sat down at roughly equal distance from each other and Chris.

"Hi, Chris!" Pinkie replied cheerfully.

"Chris! How long have you been here?" Dan asked.

"Oh…a while." Chris answered, bringing up a fork full of some near unidentifiable substance and eating it. "Hey! You wouldn't happen to have a cinnamon bun for me, would you?"

Dan rolled his eyes as Pinkie happily handed Chris a warm box containing a large cinnamon bun.

"You could have called me, you know." Dan said, mildly annoyed that in addition to taking his time loading Pinkie's things into Dan's car, Chris had decided to opt out of any more shopping excursions.

"Yeah, but…" Chris trailed off and took a few more bites of food, figuring that would suffice, and slid Dan's keys across the table to their owner.

As the three dug into their cinnamon buns, Pinkie wasted no time in pulling out her craft supplies, pictures, and her new photo album. Carefully, she started adding pictures, and decorating them with hearts, glitter pens, bedazzling jewels, and anything at her disposal.

Chris finished the food in front of him and his cinnamon bun. He glanced over at Pinkie Pie, who still had quite a few photos to go.

"We'll she's not going to be done anytime food…I mean _soon_. Think I'll make another run." Chris got off and dashed to a few more stalls.

"I can get you something else, if you want, Dan." Pinkie said with a smile, looking up from her arts and craft project.

Dan slouched in his chair, "Elch, no thanks. I'm not even going to justify spending someone else's money on mall court food."

Pinkie shrugged, "Suit yourself." She went back to working on her project.

Dan tried to fill the unfamiliar silence between the two with idle conversation. "Having fun over there?" He asked.

"Yep! I've made so many wonderful memories these last couple days. I really want to give them the attention they deserve!" Pinkie said, smiling down at her work as she applied more hearts to a picture.

"You've really enjoyed yourself?" Dan said, raising an eyebrow and filling his question with surprise.

Pinkie looked back to meet Dan's green eyes with her blue ones, "Well…yeah. It's been a lot of fun." She looked away for a second and grinned sheepishly, "_Terrifying_ at times."-She looked back at Dan with a genuine smile.-"But fun!" She looked down at the photo album with a content smile, "I think this could be the start of another beautiful friendship…" Pinkie Pie looked back up. "Don't you?"

Dan glanced away and went silent not sure how to react. He didn't want to say as much out loud, but he'd had more fun this day than any in recent…and even not so recent memory.

Chris returned, a tray of food in each hand.

"Thanks Chris, you've managed to grab everything I hate about food courts in one trip." Dan said, angrily glaring at the food.

Pinkie looked up as well, but something behind Chris caught her eye, with an excited "Ooh" she was out of her chair and dashing off somewhere.

"Here we go." Chris said exasperatedly waiting for the lecture he'd heard many, many times before. He lifted his hand and signified the number three with his fingers with a bored expression on his face.

Dan wasted no time launching into his vitriolic tirade, "First! Burgerphile? _Really_? You're sooo desperate for Burgerphile that you're willing to spend two to three dollars more on a meal here? I don't know what's sadder, that they jack up their price just because they're at the mall or that people, _**like you**_, are stupid enough to cough up the extra cash because walking back to the car and driving down the street is simply _too_ much."

Chris ticked down one of his fingers leaving two.

"_Second! _'Gourmet Chines food'?! Who in their right mind can even humor that, let alone plaster it on a logo?! The only thing 'gourmet' about it is there's nothing close to it served by the actual Chinese."

Chris ticked down one more finger leaving one.

"_**THIRD!**_" Dan stood up and was now froffing at the mouth, "_WHY IS EVERYTHING HERE JUST A WORSE VERSION OF FOOD YOU CAN GET ELSEWHERE?! WHY DO PEOPLE STAND FOR THIS!? Is it THAT hard to go someplace DECENT after shopping, OR DEMAND HIGHER QUALITY?!" _Dan sat back down and desperately tried to catch his breath.

Chris returned his hand to the task of helping him_ eat_. "Feel better?" He asked before taking another bite ohf his burger.

"N…no…"

Gasp

Wheeze

"Mall…"

Pant, pant, swallow

"Mall cop…"

"Fhe oone whooo keeps kickwing you oout for hausing a pubbic disturfance?" Chris asked through a mouth full of burger.

Dan narrowed his eyes. "That's the one."

"Ah-_HA_! I _knew _there was more to the story than you were telling me!"

Dan jumped in his seat and Chris began coughing on his food.

Pinkie was standing behind the duo having found lemonade that appeared to have been made with real lemons.

"How do you keep _doing_ that?!" Dan demanded of her.

Pinkie sat back down. "Doing _what_?" She asked quizzically, setting her drink down and going back to the project in front of her.

Chris regained his composure. "Dan, you really ought'a let this one go."

"But he's on the list!" Dan whined, producing a small notepad and flipping to a page where "Mall Cop" was wedged in between "People's Republic of China" and a crossed out "Pudding people". "Anyhow, don't you think you've had enough food for one day? Seriously Chris, your calorie count has got to rival the GDP of a developing nation at this point." Dan said, figuring he could at least wreck some petty vengeance on Chris if he wasn't going to help either.

"Hey! I can't eat at home unless I want to eat _outside_ the tent, and preparing food is a lot harder through protective gloves and a face plate!" Chris countered.

There was a ringing, Chris reached into his pocket and pulled out a rectangular smart phone, and hit the talk button. "Hi, Elise!"

Pinkie gasped looking at the device in Chris's hand, and dug into her bag fishing out a similar device.

"That sounds like a great idea!" Chris continued speaking into the phone.

Pinkie frowned at her own device, the buttons not seeming to elect any response from it

"Hmmm…" Chris continued.

Pinkie began shaking the device in an attempt to get it to do _something_.

Dan leaned over towards Pinkie, but the 'ding' of a nearby elevator and the familiar sight of a large, pudgy man on a Segway caught his attention.

"I'm pretty sure she's a vegetarian…" Chris said into the phone.

Pinkie had begun to chew on her phone in frustration, Dan swatted it out of her mouth and wagged his finger at her as if he was scolding a naughty puppy. Pinkie pouted and put her phone back in the bag.

"OK, see you later! I love you! Bye!" Chris hung up the phone.

Pinkie and Dan turned and looked at him.

"So…ummmm…Elise has invited both of you for vegetarian fajitas at our place, tonight!" Chris said sheepishly, continuing to rapidly take bites of food to his mouth.

Dan rolled his eyes.

"Sounds delicious, Chris! I'd love to meet your wife. Oh this is going to be _so much fun_! I can't _wait_!"

Dan shot a glare past Pinkie as his enemy, the mall security officer, sat down at a right behind Pinkie at a table with a male food court employee. The mall officer oblivious to Dan or anyone else at the table.

Pinkie turned her body, leaning her arm on her chair and got a good look at the man behind her. She turned to Dan with an innocent smile. "Dan, I think this is a great opportunity for you."

"Good idea. I'll sneak up behind and garrote him with my shoe laces, you keep his friend busy." Dan suggested with a twisted smile full of pointy teeth.

"Dan, now you know that's not what I meant." Pinkie said, taking a maternal tone.

Dan folded his arms, and put on a frowny-pout and turned away."

"Come on Dan," Pinkie began, "There's good in almost everyone." Pinkie quickly glanced behind her. "I'm sure if you just go over there and try to _talk_ to him, you'll find…"

"…Just one of the ugliest shade of pink you ever thought possible…" The security guard's words cut into Pinkie's like a chainsaw through plywood.

Pinkie paused and perked her head up, listening in.

"Just…just imagine someone gota bunch of kindergarteners drunk, gave them some paints, and told them ta make a car pretty."

Pinkie's expression changed to one of surprise, followed by an eye twitch.

Dan's expression changed as well. He leaned on the table and steepled his fingers in front of his mouth. Carefully studying the change in Pinkie's face.

"I mean…who would even think that bright shade of pink was attractive…"

Pinkie glanced up at her long curly hair, and began to tear up as her lip quivered.

"…Not anyone with a lick of taste, that's forshou…"

Pinkie's face contorted, her eye twitching more violently now.

Dan was sure he was starting to hear the sound of a kettle coming to the boil somehow…

Chris's eye's darted back and forth from Dan to Pinkie, and he accelerated his eating pace.

"There was _one_ thing out there worse than that paintjob, though."

Pinkie extended an arm in front of her, and took a deep breath; a stress management tool she had picked up from Twilight and Cadence.

"The ugly bedazzled car with an even _WORSE_ shade of pink further down the lot."

Dan watched as Pinkie's face wordlessly change to an expression of rage and anger he didn't think the girl had in her, and he was sure he heard that kettle start to boil.

Pinkie leaned forward on the table, looked at Dan, and whispered, "I'm in."

"_What_?!" Chris began. "Didn't you say there was good in almost everyone?!" He asked frantically.

"I did say '_almost'_." Pinkie added with a mischievous grin.

Dan moved his hands to reveal a grin of pure devilish delight, he leaned into the table. "Here's the plan…"

Pinkie turned her ear towards Dan as he whispered the scheme. She turned, nodded with a smile, grabbed her lemonade and the two pushed off from the table, got up, and moved into position.

"Do I have to do anything?" Chris asked, looking up from his tray.

"Sit there and look stupid." Dan responded.

"Done and done." Chris said, happily returning to his food.

Chris continued eating his food as he watched Dan grab a straw from one of the food court stalls, walk towards the escalators, tear the paper covering off the straw, wad up some of the paper with his own salvia, placed it in the straw, took aim, and launched a perfectly targeted spit wad into the back of the mall security officer's head.

The guard turned just in time to catch the next spit wad right between the eyes, he stood up with a grumble, clawed the moist mass of paper off his face, walked up to Dan, stood up straight to emphasize the size difference between the two, and growled, "Is there a problem here?"

"That depends, does the Freddy Krueger mask come off, or is it permanently stuck to your face?" Dan responded with a smile.

"Hey, you're the guy who keeps on disturbing the peace. I think you better move along buddy, before I _make ya_."

"I choose, 'b'." Dan said with a smile.

"Your funeral, pal." The security officer, reached for his mace and emptied the contents in Dan's face.

Dan, having been repeatedly exposed to basically every mace under the sun during his life, responded by simply inhaling the mist, then blowing a breath full of capsaicin back at the security officer's face.

The security guard, dropped his canister and started frantically rubbing his eyes.

"Now Pinkie!" Dan shouted.

With a "Wheeee…." Pinkie pushed her weight forward on the Segway racing up to several miles per hour.

"Hey…that's my…" The mall officer said through burning pain on his face. Before he could utter another word, Dan gracefully spread his arms as if he was beginning some ballet move, then quickly and violently moved his arms to push the mall officer. Dan threw all his weight against the move and propelled the hapless security guard down the up-moving escalator.

Pinkie pulled up in the Segway, dumped the contents of her lemonade on the escalator, causing it to short and accelerate.

The mall officer began screaming as he seemed to be trapped in a constant falling up/down predicament.

Chris sighed, and continued eating his food.

With a "Wheeeeeeeeee…" and a maniacal laugh Pinkie and Dan shot past him, the two pushing their weight forward on the front of the vehicle as Dan wrapped an arm around Pinkie's waist, accelerating their vehicle into double digits of miles per hour…

…Only to stop at the elevator…

Without warning, Dan ran back to the table, snagged Pinkie's project into a bag, and flipped the table with the rest of the contents spilling to the floor.

"Oh, _COME ONE_!" Chris shouted, his meal now a greasy mess on the floor.

"Grab the loot Chris, and meet us at the _steeds_!" Dan shouted, running back towards the Segway as the elevator opened and rejoining Pinkie on the vehicle as they drove it past the doors.

Chris sighed and gathered all the various bags the two had left behind, and trudged towards the down-escalator, catching the "ouches" and "oofs" of the mall security officer, still stuck in his perceptual fall.

He got off the escalator and walked towards the mall entrance.

The elevator then opened, and Pinkie and Dan speed past him at the breakneck speed of 12.5 miles per hour, laughing and giggling the entire way over the panicked cry of "_IT KEEPS HAPPENING_!" From the escalator.

Before long, the trio where back by the cars, and Chris was attempting to squeeze the last bits of free space out of Dan's car to fit Pinkie's recently purchased items.

"Don't forget the Segway!" Dan said to Chris as he threw his weight against the hatch, trying to close it.

"Dan, there's _no way _that thing is going to fit in either car!" Chris said, mildly annoyed.

"But…" Dan began.

Pinkie rested a hand on his shoulder, "Dan, if you love something. Set it free."

Dan placed his hand on Pinkie's and looked up at her. "You're right…he…" Dan began to tear up and even sniffed a little, "He belongs with his own kind."

Chris looked at the couple confused, not sure if the two were joking, or completely serious.

Pinkie, nodded solemnly, but with a smile.

She produced a large, white, store manikin, and…

"Where'd you get that?" Dan asked, not sure where the girl had magically manifested an entire manikin from.

"I saved it from the clothing store!"

"So you've been carrying it around this entire time?!" Dan asked shocked, "I can't believe I never noticed…"

Pinkie smiled and wedged the manikin into place, pushing the front console of the Segway forward, in turn, causing it to speed off into the distance…

…Just in time for a mall security car to screech round the corner, the driver's face bruised and bright red, his mouth crying out for justice. He saw the Segway far too late, and crashed directly into it; causing Segway to go under car, causing car to topple over Segway, and land, _hard, _on its top…

…and then catch flame, as you do.

Chris covered his eyes with both his hands, trying to immediately blot out the memory of what he saw.

Dan covered his mouth with both his hands, trying to hide his giant toothy grin.

Pinkie covered her ears with each hand, trying to process this new set of carnage.

The mall officer covered as much as the air as he could touch with his flaming hands as he ran screaming from the wreck.

The trio's eye's followed a bouncing, flaming wheel of the car as it went on its merry way past them, then their eyes shifted towards a flatter wheel of the Segway that began rolling in a circle in front of them a few times before tilting inwards, vibrating a few times as it continued to spin, then finally stopping.

…and then it also caught flame.

…as you do.

Pinkie looked down at the now flaming wheel in front of them, then looked back up to Chris. "This is my life from now on, isn't it?" She asked blankly.

Chris sighed, placed a hand under one elbow, supporting the arm, then using hand on that arm to rest his face on. "Yep," He answered simply. "You get used to it." He added.

"Really?" Pinkie asked hopefully.

Chris stared off into space and gave a little shutter. "No…not really."

Dan said nothing, his evil grin speaking for him. He took out his notepad, flipped a few pages, and then crossed "Mall cop" off the list.

"So…" Chris said, breaking the silence. "Dinner?"

Pinkie's expression brightened.

"Vegetarian? Pass." Dan said simply.

"Ahh, Dan! I _know_ it'll still be fun if you come along. _Pretty_ please with lactose free cream on top?" Pinkie pleaded with a big, toothy smile, cupping her hands under her chin.

Dan looked at Pinkie, then at his bedazzled car, then back to Pinkie, and finally back to his car.

Dan shoot Pinkie a glare. "I said, '_No!_'" Dan opened his car door, sat down, slammed the door after him, buckled up, started the car, and speed off.

Pinkie looked on in despair as Dan's car sped off, she looked down and started to fiddle with the hem of her shirt.

She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and looked up.

"He'll come around." Chris assured gently.

Pinkie inhaled deeply than exhaled, still tracking the now pink and sparkly hatchback with her eyes. "I hope so Chris, I really do."

Dan grinned evilly to himself as he examined the key Pinkie had given him the night before.

He placed it on top of the, pink, frilly photo album sitting in his passenger seat.

This was almost _too_ easy.

Almost.


	12. Chapter 11

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie Chapter 11 Chris Vs. Elise

Pinkie silently looked out the passenger window into the dwindling day, the shadows of palm trees and buildings washing over her distant expression and slumped shoulders. Dan's sudden and unexpected decision to head home still weighing heavily on her mind.

We had fun right?

I mean…minus all the unintended carnage…

…actually Dan seemed to enjoy that more than anything.

So, why…

Pinkie sighed and continued to look out the window.

Chris drove silently as well, searching for something to say.

Not only was Pinkie being uncharacteristically quiet, he noted she had buckled up without the little fanfare that tended to accompany the accomplishment.

He thought for a little bit then broke the silence. "I think you'll really like Elise." He said with a hopeful grin.

Pinkie turned her head and smiled.

At least I'll get to make another new friend.

"I know I will, Chris. Making new friends is _the best_…" Pinkie remembered something, "_Sooo_, Elise is done with her platuniwatsit?"

"Yep!" Chris said, his voice perking up a bit. "It's been picked up and our house is back to normal."

"It must be interesting with your wife bringing home all sorts of neat projects home." Pinkie said, shifting her body to face Chris better.

Chris laughed nervously, "We'll, '_interesting' _isn't the word I'd use most the time."

Pinkie cupped her hands together, "What word _would_ you use? _Fascinating_? _Fantastical_? _Far-out_? _Fabulous_? Ooh! Ooh! Fun?"

Chris looked forward, staring at the road, "More like _frightening_…actually, no, that's not strong enough, _**terrifying**_." He responded, the humor having left his voice.

"I _seee_…" Pinkie said, unsure of how to respond.

"Also, inconvenient…usually _both_." Chris's eyes narrowed.

Pinkie went silent and stared forward.

"I'm sorry," Chris said, "It's just…" he lifted a hand off the steering wheel and turned it palm up, searching for the words, "for the longest time she just didn't tell me about her job, and even _then _she'd be bringing dangerous chemicals home and probably working on _worse things_ in the shed." Chris sighed, slumped his shoulders, and moved his hand back to the steering wheel, shaking his head. "_Now _that she's told me,"-Chris cocked his head to the side and rolled his eyes.-"which she only did because she thought we all were going to die, I might add,"-He shifted his expression to a fixed glare on the road—"It's like she thinks she can just bring this stuff home whenever it's convenient! So, now every few weeks it's 'put on this hazmat suit', 'stay out of the shed, I accidently broke a terrarium full of genetically engineered, acid spitting tarantulas', 'I had to throw out all the food, because it may have been contaminated with nerve gas'". Chris shuttered on the mention of the last one.

"Well, maybe you should let her know how this all makes you feel!" Pinkie added helpfully. "My friends and I always tell each other how we're feeling, and we get along _great_!"

Chris sighed, "I've tried that. Elise usually just makes a comment about how I'm such a good sport about it all and then I feel awkward to even continue bringing it up."

Pinkie shifted nervously in the car seat, wishing very much that this conversation was over.

"It's just…I really feel like she cares about her job more than me." Chris continued.

"I'm sure she loves you _just_ as much as you love her, Chris!" Pinkie said, trying to maintain a cheery disposition towards the very awkward conversation.

"Pfft, yeah." Chris said with a touch of sarcasm, "Maybe I should switch her and ice cream so she and I can _both _have something we love more than each other…"

Pinkie's eyes went wide and she gritted her teeth behind closed lips.

Oh please let this car ride end soon! Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh…

"We're here." Chris announced, pulling the car into the driveway.

Oh thank _Celestia_!

"Thanks for listening to me Pinkie," Chris said as he exited the car, "Dan usually just starts with how I should divorce Elise. Usually without me saying anything…"

Pinkie forced an awkward smile. "Sure…what are friends for?"

Chris opened the door and held it open for Pinkie, the two walked into the house as Elise walked out of the kitchen to greet them.

"Hi guys, just in time!" Elise said, with a plastered smile.

"Ooh, that's a nifty hat!" Pinkie said.

Elise glanced up at the headset she had forgotten to take off, and grabbed it with a flash, tossing it into some far off corner of the house.

"You must be Pinkie!" Elise said, extending a hand. "Chris has said _so much_ about you." Elise said, desperately trying to fake an earnest tone of voice.

"…I did?" Chris asked, a hint of confusion in his voice.

Pinkie took Elise's hand and gave it a vigorous shake. "Chris has said a lot about, you, too!" Pinkie replied excitedly.

"All good, _I hope_." Elise said, attempting to wink at Chris, but succeeding in something that more resembled an eye twitch.

"He said he loves you more than _anything_!" Pinkie said with a big smile.

…We'll it was kinda what he said, at least.

"Oh…_You_…" Elise began, her brain failing to come up with a cute pet name. "I missed…"- Elise glanced to the side for a split second-"**You**!" Walking up to Chris, she stood on her tip-toes and wrapped her arms around his neck, planting a kiss on his cheek and palmed the microphone she had planted inside his shirt collar that morning.

"Hey honey! It's good to come home…_and not have to suit up_!" Chris added, building the statement out of false enthusiasm.

Elise decided to change the subject. "Ahhh…sit down! Let me dish up! You've had a hard day…"

"Yeah…"Chris's fake smile disintegrated into a look of concern. "How did you know?"

"Oh I…" Elise trailed off, trying to figure out something plausible. "Caught the news about the mall fire…_on the news_!"

Good job, me.

A+

Chris's face shifted to one of mild irritation, "I never said we were at the mall."

_Crud!_

"_**SO**_," Elise attempted to force a smile, but it got stuck in grimaceville before completing the journey. "Dan wasn't too keen on vegetarian, huh?"

Chris rolled his eyes, "You _guessed_ it." He answered sarcastically.

Elise's heart pounded in her chest.

Why am I so bad at this?

Pinkie's eyes shifted back and forth between the couple. Sharing a house with a married couple and their two kids meant she had plenty of experience watching a marital dispute brew, but luckily, she also had plenty of experience defusing them as well…"You know what always makes me feel better? A delicious meal!" Pinkie said, forcing the biggest smile she could muster.

Elise saw her opportunity, grabbed it with both hands, and ran with it…as far as she could in the small house.

"Oh yes! Let me just go dish everyone up…" Elise spun, walked a few feet to the stove and countertop, and dished up three plates of fajitas; spiced, sautéed vegetables inside warm tortillas

Chris sat down, watching Elise, an irritated and suspicious look on his face.

Pinkie sat down, watching Chirs, concerned that expression on his face meant he probably wasn't feeling any better.

Elise placed a plate in front of her husband, guest, and then at the empty spot across the small round table for her.

Chris wordlessly began to eat.

Pinkie took a few bites, "_Hmmmmm_, this is scrum-_dilly_-umpchus!" She said excitedly. "Oh, thank you ever _so much _for inviting me!"

Elise smiled, "No problem! We're happy to have you!..Oh! Almost forgot…" Elise walked over to the fridge and produced a pitcher of fresh strawberry lemonade.

Pinkie's eye lit up, "Hey! That looks like the _real_ version of the fake drink I was served at 'Lenny's'!"

"Or, really?" Elise began, "I didn't…" Elise caught Chris's expression and realizes she just made a fatal error. "…_didn't know_…" Elise trailed off, and sat the pitched down on the table.

Pinkie glanced back and forth between the two, realizing things where about to go critical.

"So, _Elise", _Chris said, the anger building in his voice. "Did you bug me, or just follow us around all day watching from the shadows?"

"Don't be silly!" Elise said with a nervous smile, trying to salvage the situation. "I was home working here the entire time!" She insisted.

"So you _did_ have me bugged!"

"_Ididn'tsaythat_." Elise said, quickly.

"You didn't deny it either!"

"Hey, you know what we can do?" Pinkie said, desperate to change the subject.

"_**STAY OUT OF IT!" **_Was the response she got for her troubles from both Elise and Chris.

Pinkie sat back in her chair, wishing she could shrink.

Elise went on the offensive, "Look Chris, I'm sorry if my job can be inconvenient and terrifying, but _one of us_ needs to put food on the table."

"Must be easy to win arguments when you're spying on every word your husband says." Chris countered, leaning on the table, moving closer to Elise.

Elise realized she was digging herself deeper, she tried to think of something to change the subject to.

Chris beat her to it.

"Nice fajita's by the way, you know fajita's usually have protein."

"Well, _maybe _if you ate something besides five courses of bacon every day and a tub of _ice-cream_, I could figure out how to cook something _else_!" Elise also leaned on the table, the two a few feet away from each other, and practically yelling at this point. "Hey! Maybe I should just combine the two, then you'll _**really**_ have something you can love more than me!" Elise said with an accusatory finger.

"YOU LEAVE BACON ICECREAM OUT OF THIS! A LEAST _SHE'S_ ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME!"

Pinkie stood up in a flash, and asked "Bathroom?"

Without turning, the couple both pointed down the hall angrily with the same stance a parent might take to tell a child to go to their room.

Pinkie dashed off to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

She looked at herself in the mirror.

"OK, me." She said to her reflection. "We need an '_S_' level couple argument ending plan here!'

"Ooh! Ooh!" Her reflection responded, "Why don't you go out there and threw them a surprise mini-party!"

"Yeaaah…" Pinkie said, looking towards the ceiling, and rubbing her chin, "Good idea, mirror-me!"

Pinkie grabbed a few deflated balloons from her pockets, she had purchased some basic party supplies from the mall in case an emergency party needed to be thrown.

"And to think, Dan had laughed at me…" Pinkie said slyly.

Pinkie blew air into a balloon and struggled to tie it close with her hands and teeth.

"_Grrrr_…this was so much _easier_ when I had hooves!" Pinkie said with a frustrated tone.

"Give me one! I can help!" Her reflection answered.

"No mirror-me, you're just my reflection! You don't exist!"

Her reflection stuck up her nose. "Hmph! Rude!" Her reflection said, storming off out of site.

Pinkie struggled to blowup and tie off a couple more balloons as the noise from the kitchen/dining room intensified. She grabbed a handful of confetti from her other pocket, rushed towards the bickering couple who were now full on yelling at each other.

"WHO WANTS TO PAR-_**TAY**_?!" She asked with an excited open mouth smile, throwing confetti and balloons into the air, one of the balloons making a rude noise as it deflated, spun in the air a few times, and shot off into Elise's lemonade pitcher.

Chris and Elise stopped and stared blankly at Pinkie.

Well…at least they stopped yelling at each other.

"…Maybe I should take you home, Pinkie." Chris offered.

Pinkie bowed her head, slumped her shoulders, sighed, and nodded her head up in down.

Chris and Pinkie made their way to the door.

"Bye, Elise…" Pinkie said quietly, "It was…nic…let's do this agai…maybe next time?" Pinkie offered. Having run out of anything positive to say about the experience, she exited the door.

Chris followed, but turned back to Elise once he was outside.

"You _did _already take off what you were using to spy on me, right?" He said, with a glare that could melt glaciers.

Elise gulped, reached into her pocket, and pulled out a small microphone, showing it to Chris.

Chris turned his back to Elise and walked out the door. "Beans." He said simply.

Elise knitted her brow, "What?"

"_Beans_ would have added some protein." Chris said, slamming the door before Elise could respond.

Elise made a growling sound and threw out her tensed hands in an expression of wanting to strangle someone.

Why do I have to be so bad at keeping secrets?

Elise dropped one hand to the side, and buried her face in the other. Sighing, she made her way to the couch and sat down.

I don't think a few pints of bacon ice-cream are going to get me out of this one.

She looked down at the couch, the logical place she would be sleeping tonight, musing on the thought that _she_ was the one in trouble, for a change.

Pinkie and Chris sat in awkward silence as he drove her back to her apartment, night had set and the streetlights illuminated the interior of the car, only to retreat into darkness over and over again.

Chris was the first to breach the silent wall between the two, "I'm…sorry you had to see that."

"And I'm sorry to have caused it." Pinkie said bluntly.

"What?" Chris asked, surprised. "You didn't…"

Pinkie vigorously shook her head, "Yes I did." She insisted. "She probably thought I was suspicious, just like you and Dan did when you first saw me. That's why she was spying."

Chris looked back at the road and processed this. It made a lot of sense. Excluding explanations that involved dimensional travel, he still had no idea where Pinkie came from, what she was doing here, and why she seemed to have an unlimited supply of money.

Maybe Elise had a good reason for doing what she did.

Maybe she wanted to protect him…

…or herself…

…or her _work_.

Chris sighed, having quickly and easily talked himself out of any nobility or spousal concern on Elise's part.

"No Pinkie, it's not your fault." Chris said. "I know I've dumped a lot on you, tonight, but…" Chris trailed off, not sure if he had the right to force more of his problems on the normally energetic girl sitting next to him.

"It's OK, Chris." Pinkie said, putting a comforting hand on his as he drove along.

"It's just…sometimes she treats me as bad as Dan, you know?"

Pinkie said nothing.

"But, I expect it of Dan…" Chris swallowed. "It's not easy being treated as a means to an end by someone you love."

Pinkie's chest tightened.

What in Tartarus are you supposed to say to _that_?!

Chris sighed again, "Just…thanks for listening. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this sort of stuff…"

"I'll listen to you anytime." Pinkie added along with her other hand to his, and mentally added "But _PLEASE_ don't make me sit through another argument with your _wife_".

Chris turned to face the pink-haired girl in the seat next to him, "Thanks Pinkie, that means a lot." He said with an earnest smile.

Pinkie retracted her hands to her lap, "Sure thing Chris." Chris was sweet, but becoming his confidant within a 24 hour period of meeting him wasn't exactly how she pictured getting on with him.

I sure hope Dan is feeling better.

Heck, I don't care if he just screams at me and dunks my head in more Everclear at this point.

Eventually, the car pulled next to "Casa Paradisio".

Pinkie quickly unbuckled, opened her door, and got out of the car. She stopped for a second, and poked her head back in.

"Hey, Chris."

"Yeah, Pinkie?"

"I hope you work things out with Elise."

Chris paused for a few moments. "…Yeah. Me, too." He said finally.

Pinkie smiled and closed the door.

Chris drove off into the night.

Pinkie shook her head with a sigh, and slowly climbed the stairs to her apartment.

Maybe she'd check in with her friends, or check in on Dan. She needed a pick-me-up at this point. Heck, she'd settle for a noisy distraction.

She looked up to realize her lights where on. She smiled, the feeling of excitement returning to her for the first time in hours.

Dan must still be putting my things away!

Oh, I'm going to give him the biggest hug, ever, _ever_, _**ever**_!

Pinkie threw open the door and shouted an excited "_Dan_!"

She saw Dan standing in front of her photo album with a small pile of her photos she hadn't added yet, she inhaled the strong sent of alcohol…

There was the quiet click of a tiny lighter-wheel, a _fwosh_ of an inflammable fuel catching flame, followed by mad laughter that filled the room.

Laughter quickly cut short by a sound very similar to that of a balloon quickly deflating.


	13. Chapter 12

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie Chapter 12 Dan Vs. Regret

Dan panted heavily, sweat dripping down his face as he sped his car towards nowhere in particular.

He didn't know where he was going, only that his apartment was far too close.

To what very little credit he was owed, he had quickly put out the fire with an extinguisher, seeing that there was absolutely no need to seek further vengeance on Pinkie.

He had won.

Utterly.

Completely.

It was written all over her face. Not once in his life had a scheme crushed its target so thoroughly.

He desperately tried to push the thought of the streaming tears, hair gone flat, and cationic stare fixed on the spot where the photo album had once been before he turned it into a shouldering ruin of itself.

For maybe the first time in his life, Dan was conflicted over the results of one of his vengeance plots come to fruition.

She _had _targeted one of the few things he loved, but she obviously meant well.

And it's not like she did any damage a car-wash wouldn't fix.

Dan sped on in his still bedazzled hatchback. His mind a turmoil of conflicting emotion, a deep pit starting to form in his stomach.

Dan hit a bump with his car, causing the small vehicle to jump slightly and hit the ground with a thump.

Dan made a small curse to the unkempt roads of Van Nuys, but stopped when he heard an unfamiliar sound from his glove compartment.

Dan opened his glove compartment, then slammed on his brakes, his car screeching to a halt in the empty street.

The pit in Dan's stomach grew to a black hole that quickly sucked his heart, body, and soul into an event horizon.

He stared down at the framed picture Pinkie had taken of him screaming at her in front of his apartment. It was a gaudy, pink frame that obnoxiously read "_Best Friends Forever_" in a flowery cursive at the bottom.

Salt water dripped onto the picture, an offering from the man who had never shed a tear for another person in his life, especially one who he himself had caused harm to.

Dan gently placed the picture on top of a bag on his passenger seat.

He knew what he needed to do.

…but he couldn't do it without help.

Dan took his foot of the brake, got his bearings, and drove his car with a new found sense of purpose and determination.

This was going to hurt.

Probably a lot.

But it couldn't possible compare to the feeling in his chest…

Chris sat silently on the couch, watching TV. A tub of ice-cream piled high with whipped-cream sitting on the coffee table in front of him.

Elise had left both ice-cream and the can of whipped cream out as a peace offering for Chris, a peace offering that Chris wordlessly collected before sitting down.

Elise sat pensively at the table. Ice-cream was a good first step, but she doubted it suddenly made up for the all the secrets and exposing of Chris to dangerous materials he had mostly passively endured for all these years, let alone her recent spying on him.

She sighed and made a mental note to stalk up on bacon and cookies, hoping the sugary and fatty snacks could buy enough goodwill with Chris so that he'd at least talk things out with her.

Normally she'd be the one to instigate conversation, but given the circumstances, she felt it was better to let Chris let _her_ know when he was ready to talk.

She glanced back towards the flicking lights of the living room.

Chris was possibly the only stable thing in her life. The same trait the made him a pushover also made him a dependable friend and husband. He could be poisoned, arrested, forced to dance until his ankle broke...exchanged for a favor from Dan just _after_ his ankle broke, and still come back…

Elise's chest tightened.

_Please don't let me loose Chris._

_He's probably the only guy on this planet who'd put up with my job… _

…_and he's the only person who actually cares about me._

Tears began to well up behind Elise's eyes, the thought of her husband leaving her devastating.

Her thoughts where interrupted by a knock at the door.

_Who can it be at this hour?_

She walked out of the kitchen and exchanged a confused a glance with Chris, whose glance was noticeable more perturbed.

Chris opened the door slowly, revealing a familiar short man holding a worn, paper bag.

"May I come in?" Dan asked.

Chris and Elise looked at each other with even more confused looks on their faces.

_Dan never knocks…_

_Ever._

_And he certainly doesn't politely ask permission to come in._

"Imposter?" Elise asked her husband.

Chris squinted at Dan in the dark. "Only if he's had some plastic surgery to make himself look _more_ like Dan…and rolled around in Dan's dirty clothes to get the scent right."

Dan's eye's narrowed.

"Ooooh…Robot!" Elise suggested.

Chris snapped his fingers, turned, and pointed with the same hand to Elise, "Love, it!"

"I'll get my metal detector!" Elise said with a hint of enthusiasm.

"You know, sometimes I wonder why I give you two the time of day…"

Chris and Elise breathed a sigh of relief, and motioned for Dan to come in.

Dan entered just far enough for Chris to shut the door behind him, saying nothing.

Chris moved a little in front of his friend, not sure how he should be reacting to the uncharacteristically withdrawn Dan. Usually Dan would have stormed in and simply explained his business.

Usually revenge.

_Hmmmm…_

"Hey Dan," Chris said, trying to coax a response from his friend. "Still seeking revenge on Pinkie?"

Dan looked up at his much taller friend. "No." He said simply.

"Ahhh, so you've given up then?"

"No." Dan said again.

Chris mulled Dan's answer for a moment and realized this could only mean one thing. Chris's eyes narrowed into tiny slits. "_What did you do_?" He asked firmly.

Dan swallowed, and mentally prepared himself for what was going to follow. He reached into the bag and pulled out a charred and melted photo album.

Chris's voice exploded in anger, "DAN! _HOW COULD YOU_?! PINKIE WORKED VERY HARD ON THAT! DO YOU HAVE _ANY_ IDEA HOW IT'LL MAKE HER FEEL WHEN SHE SEES WHAT YOU DONE!?"

"_Shealreadydid…" _Dan said, barely audible.

Chris's face hardened, "_What_?"

"I said, 'She already did.'"

The trio went silent, save the huffing and puffing of Chris's building anger.

Elise's eyes went wide as she inhaled and exhaled a large volume of air audibly. "Dan…_please_ tell me you didn't…"

Dan said nothing and broke eye contact.

Chris turned his head to face his wife, "What?" He said with a knitted brow.

"He…" - Elise swallowed—"…he burnt it _in front_ of her."

The next thing Dan felt was a haymaker to his left cheek, followed by a mirror on the wall that his head smashed against as he toppled backwards, then the floor as it began raining glass shards around him. Next thing he knew, his feet where off the ground and he was staring at Chris on an even plane, his usually placid friend having contorted his face into a look of rage that Dan wasn't sure _he_ could even manage.

Chris began to violently shake Dan by the shirt collar.

"**YOU MISRABLE EXCUSE FOR A SUB-HUMAN BEING! HOW COULD YOU?! **_**HOW COULD YOU?!**_** ALL SHE **_**EVER **_**TRIED TO DO WAS BE YOUR FRIEND! YOU JUST COULDN'T LET IT GO, **_**COULD YOU**_**!? YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME, DAN! WAY TOO FAR!"**

"Iknnnow." Dan choked out.

"_**WHAT?!**_" Chris stopped shaking Dan and pulled him within inches of his face.

"I said, '_I know_'." Dan said, looking his friend in the eye.

Chris continued to hold Dan up for a second as he breathed a few cool down huffs, then gently lowed Dan until Dan's feet where once more on solid ground.

Glass crunched under Dan's shoes. "I…" Dan looked off to the side, replaying the painful memory in his mind,"…I saw it in her eyes…no, it was more like her entire body shut down. I don't…"-Dan started to breathe a little heavier, his heart began pounding faster-"I don't know the reaction I expected, or even the one I wanted. But I know it wasn't that."

Dan looked down at the floor, his broken, shattered reflection staring back at him from a hundred different angles. "I think…I think it made me hate myself….if only just a little."

Chris and Elise stared at Dan not sure what to do or say at this point.

Dan looked up from the shattered, reflective glass on the floor as if coming back to the waking world. Dragging his palm over his face, he added, "I feel like I just broke a butterfly upon a wheel."

Chris knitted his brow in surprise. "Dan, I didn't know you listened to _Coldplay_."

"…what the hell is that? That sounds like a very unpleasant fetish." Dan said, trying to processes the unfamiliar word.

"They're a _band_, Dan."

"What?! Chris you really are a simple creature aren't you?"

Chris leveled a glare at Dan, _regretful_ wasn't quite enough to get him back in his good books.

Dan caught the expression and calmed his tone. "It's from a Pope's satire." Dan explained, "Alexander medieval guy, or something…"

"Dan, you're bleeding." Elise pointed out.

He felt the sharp pain on the back of his head, noticing it for the first time. He pulled his hand back to reveal a palm covered in blood.

"I'll be fine." He answered.

Elise shook her head, "Not if we don't stop the bleeding, you won't."

"Elise, we don't have time…"

Elise was gone and back in a flash, with some clean towels, dressing pads, gauze, and some antibiotic ointment.

"That was fast." Chris commented.

Elise moved behind Dan to clean the wound and gave her husband a little smile. "Yeah…I have medical supplies hidden all over the house in case an enemy agent breaks in and shoots you and I have to field dress the wound on the spot."

"_Awhh…_" Chris said, a touch of pleasantness returning to his voice. It was a sweet if somewhat morbid thought from his wife.

"_Ooow_, be careful with that! It really stings."

"Not as bad as _Everclear_, I'm sure." Chris said in an admonishment tone.

Dan fixed a glare at the wall to his side, not needing another reminder that he treated Pinkie Pie poorly.

Elise began to wrap gauze around Dan's head.

"I need to fix this." Dan said, looking at his best and possibly _only_ friend with pleading in his eyes.

"Dan, I'm not sure you _can _fix this." Chris responded.

"Well, I have to _try_. I've never done anything halfway in my life." Dan said with a determined voice standing straight. "And I'm not about to start…"

Chris thought about this for a second.

_Well, he's nothing if not resolute._

_He even tracked down all his stuff after he got back from __**Siberia**__._

_Even every single one of those throw pillows…_

"…But I need your help."- Dan turned his head to Elise, and looked at her for perhaps the first time without a hint of dislike. -"Both of yours."

Chris thought this over for a second.

Elise didn't. "We're with you Dan." She said, finishing up her bandaging and placing a hand on the shorter man's shoulder. She turned and walked to her husband, looked down at his hands and took them both in hers. Slowly she looked up to face the man she loved. "Right?"

Chris smiled warmly at his wife. "Right." he answered.

Dan snapped into action mode, "Good!" He turned to Elise, grabbed her hands, and dumped a wad full of crinkled bills and loose change into her palms.

"…Dan did you just hand me _money_?" Elise asked in disbelief.

Chris also gawked at the small pile of small bills and change. It was hard enough to get Dan to pay for his _own _meals while out, and nigh-impossible to get money back once it had been loaned to him. The idea that he would willingly hand either of them some of his own money was nearly unfathomable.

"Yeah," Dan answered, "Sorry it isn't more, I need some for what Chris and I are going to do."

Chris and Elise exchanged glances, back to being unsure if it was really Dan standing in front of them.

"Elise, I need you to go buy party supplies." Dan began as he paced back and forth, delivering his commands. "Just pretend you're throwing a party for an elementary school student."

"Dan," Elise began, "I don't think…" She felt a large hand on her shoulder.

"No, he's pretty much spot on." Chris assured.

"_Then_ I need you to sneak into my apartment and quietly set up. Think you can handle that?"

Elise's eye's narrowed. "Dan, I can pull this job off in my sleep with a bullet wound…" Elise thought for a second. "In fact, I've pulled off worse jobs in my sleep with a bullet wound."

Chris looked down at his wife, "You told me you had the flu... a really, really, _BAD_ flu."

Elise's heart skipped a beat and she looked up at her husband. "I know…and…I'm sorry."

Chris's smile returned, "It's OK, darling. I forgive you." Chris wrapped his arms around his red-haired wife, looked deep into her blue eyes, bent down towards his wife and pursed his lips.

Elise wrapped her arms around her husband's tall frame and met his gaze. She leaned up and…

Dan cleared his throat loudly, "Save this touchy, _feely_ garbage for when you're watching rom-coms together. We've got a war to win."

The two turned back to Dan, arms still wrapped tightly around each-other.

"Dan, you can't fight a war looking like _that." _Elise said, slowly removing her arms from her husband.

Dan looked down at his clothing, then looked back up? "_Whaaat_?" He asked with some slight annoyance.

"You've got blood all over the back of your shirt."

"Elise, we don't have time for your pedantic obsession with fashion." Dan said, fixing an angry stare at Elise and crossing his arms.

"Hold up." It was Chris's time to run off.

"Chris! Come back here, moonlight is burning!" Dan insisted.

"_In a second." _Was the response from down the house.

There was the sound of running water, and Chris returned with a wet towel and a clean, black "JERK" t-shirt.

"Chris, where did you even, _**Gah**_, _Unhand me womaMPHhmmg._"

Elise had quickly grabbed the bottom of Dan's shirt and pulled it up over his head.

Dan turned with an angry glare, but before he could get an angry word out, Chris was behind him with the towel, rubbing the caked blood off his back.

Dan recoiled from the wet towel. "_Ambush! _I _knew_ you two would force me into your twisted bedroom fantas…"

Chris rolled his eyes and handed Dan the clean, black shirt.

Dan shot him a glare and snatched the shirt out of Chris's outstretched hand, quickly putting it on.

"Do you know how many of those things you've left here?" Chris asked, mild annoyance in his voice.

"No!" Dan said earnestly. "How many?"

"Dan," Elise interrupted, "Your plan?" Elise reminded.

"Right!" Dan said, focus returning to his voice. "Chris!" Dan turned to his friend, "You're with me." Dan marched to the door, swung it open, and stepped into the night.

"Were are we going?"

Dan held up a small, pink camera, illuminated from the light of the house. "To _fix_ something, for a change."

"…You stole her camera, too?" Chris said in disbelief.

"_I'LL GIVE IT BACK_!"

Dan leaned against the counter in the fluorescently lit department store.

"Niiiiice work getting them to rush the photos after hours, buddy." Dan said with a smile, "Things almost got ugly."

"Well, I just thought telling the truth and appealing to her sense of _compassion _would net better results than threatening her with a sledgehammer." Chris said dryly.

"Who'd of thought we'd find the one department store worker who hasn't yet had her sense of compassion crushed under weeks and weeks of thankless toil?" Dan said, extending his arms and turning his palms upward.

Chris rolled his eyes, "Did you find everything else?"

Dan held up a plastic bag, "One new photo album, extra girly looking, and enough stickers, bedazzling jewels, and glitter pens to send a slumber-party of female pre-teens into a squealing, craft fuelled frenzy."

A dark olive complexioned woman with a pleasant look on her face, walked up from behind the counter and placed a fat envelope in between the two friends. "Here you go!" She said with a smile.

"It's a abouMPMph phmmm…" Chris cupped a hand over Dan's mouth.

"Thanks you," Chris said, "this will mean a lot to or friend." Chris looked down at Dan and released his hand, "Won't it, Dan?" Chris said in a "shouldn't you be saying something" tone.

"Yes…thanks." Dan said, grabbing the large, envelope.

The photo center worker smiled, "Sure! Good luck with your friend."

Dan winced, "Yeah…I'll need it…"

"Chris, not _every _page needs a king's ransom of fake, plastic jewels." Dan declared as Chris and he poured over the photo album at Ninja Dan's. A small pile of cookies sitting to either side of them. Dan icing a swollen cheek.

"_What_! They're very pretty. And I'm getting better at making shapes."

"You are such a child…hand me that glitter pen…_NO _the _lavender_ one. It's like you have the artistic skills of a third grader."

Chris looked down at their handiwork, an explosion of bedazzling jewels, stickers of hearts, stars, and rainbows, and glitter ink. "Sure, Dan." He answered simply.

"Does 'friends' have one or two 'N's in it?" Dan asked Chris, Dan concentrated on writing something.

"How can you _not _know how to spell the word 'friends', Dan." Chris said in mild irritation.

Dan looked up into space. "It's never come up before…" He said trailing off.

"…One 'N', F-R-I-E-N-D-S." Chris said, feeling a little sorry for Dan.

Dan concentrated on his writing for a second then looked up, "You only knew that because of the sit-com, didn't you?" He asked with a mild accusatory tone.

Chris put back on an annoyed look.

_Well, that didn't last long._

"_You can't __**prove**__ that_!" Chris shot back.

Dan shook his head. "Never mind." He held up a page. "What do you think?"

Chris squinted at it, examining it carefully. "Needs more rainbows." He critiqued.

"_Nuts _to your rainbows. Can't you see the pink, sparkly hearts, are better in every way possible?" Dan motioned to the collection of stickers as if his statement was self-evident.

"They're not better in having more colors." Chris retorted. "_Nothing is_." He added strongly.

"Ulg," Dan uttered, turning the page. "Hand me the _pink _glitter pen."

"You _always _startwith the Pink glitter pen." Chris said, reluctantly handing it over. He discreetly pushed a red glitter pen closer to Dan, "I think you'll find the _red _makes a much bolder statement."

"No." Dan said, brushing the red pen off the table completely. "I like pink, it's just like…." Dan trailed off deciding he was just going to let the sentence linger and hopefully die before Chris thought anything of it.

Chris responded by taking a bite out of one of his cookies.

Chris paused, "I can't believe you actually bought me cookies for a change."

"Yeah well…" Dan trailed off, "I wanted you to be able to focus…and…" Dan struggled for an excuse,"…you get drowsy when you're not eating."

Chris took another bite. "Trraue" he said through a moth-full of cookie. Chris swallowed. "This has been the most fun I've had with you in a long time." Chris admitted. "Can you crush a poor, innocent girls dreams _every_ night?"

Dan turned his palms upright and stared down at the sparkly, pink stains on them from his constant use of the pen.

"I really hope not."

Heart racing, forehead covered in sweat, Dan entered the still lit apartment he had fled hours before.

_She's still here, good. _

Dan stared at the back at the somehow, now, straight haired girl.

_Uh oh._

_I don't think she's moved from that spot…_

…_I don't think she's moved __**at all**__!_

Dan gulped and slowly walked towards Pinkie Pie.

_Oh God…_

_What if…_

_What if she has like a melty face…_

_Or when you find out the monster is just a head full of teeth…_

_Oh please don't have a melty face, of please, oh please, oh please…_

Dan turned to face his potential horror movie monster come to life, but Pinkie just had a regular face.

A face that didn't look like it had moved a muscle since he left.

_WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN THE MELTY FACE?!_

"Hi, Dan." Pinkie said eerily, causing Dan to jump back a few feet. "Did you come back because you realized you could destroy more of my things in front of me? I think I ran out of tears a few hours back, but I can fake distress, still."

"No, I…"

Pinkie turned to face him, and cocked her head to an uncomfortable looking angle. "Oh I got it." For a brief second, her eyes went wide and her teeth began violently grinding as a corner of her lips pulled to the side. "You've come to use my body, then murder me. I mean…that's probably what you saved me from anyway, you might as well be the one to continue..."

Dan's expression broke into wide eyed shock with the force of a shattering window.

_Damn, she's dark when she's upset._

"Pinkie, I need you to come with me."

"Oh, good idea. I'll be easier to dispose of out in the wilderness…."

Dan's skin began to crawl, "No! I just need you to come to my apartment."

Pinkie's head suddenly cocked into another uncomfortable looking angle as her eyes, teeth, and mouth repeated the pattern from before. "You're going to dissolve my corpse in the bath-tub…" she offered.

"NO, I!.." Dan let out an exasperated sigh and dragged a palm across his face.

_How come doing the right thing has to be so __**hard**__!_

"Look, I know I don't deserve this, but I need you to trust me."

Pinkie's head returned to its full, upright position and she blinked her blue eyes that still sat framed with the bandage in pink hair, though the hair straight this time.

"OK, Dan."

_What have I got to lose?_

"_**SURPRISE**_!" Elise and Chris shouted, showering Pinkie with streamers.

Pinkie quietly looked around the apartment, streamers, balloons…even Elise and Chris where wearing party hats. They even put one around Mr. Mumbles who greeted Pinkie with a "Meow."

"…Murder party?" Pinkie asked, turning back to Dan.

"No, _apology_ party." Dan assured, "A murder party should have more…"

Elise elbowed Dan in the ribs, cutting his sentence short. "Dan! Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Ah, right." He handed a mass of pink wrapping paper with yellow and blue balloons on it to Pinkie who looked it over questioningly.

Pinkie opened her mouth to speak.

"If you say _'bomb'_, so help me, I'm going to…" Dan caught himself, and calmed his tone. "Please just open it?" He said with a tiny, hopeful smile.

Pinkie quickly shredded the paper and her eyes went wide as she opened up her new photo album to reveal the most beautiful display of fake plastic jewels, tacky stickers, and colorful glitter plastered photos she had ever seen.

Dan quickly threw an arm around Pinkie's shoulders. "Hey Pinkie"

Pinkie looked up.

"Smile."

The camera went off just in time to catch a dazzling smile from the curly haired girl.

Still with his arm wrapped around Pinkie's shoulder, Dan turned the camera so they could both see the photo he had just taken of the two smiling away under their matching bandages around their heads. Quite possibly the first photo of Dan smiling without faking it in existence.

Dan pointed to a gaudy, pink picture frame, with _'best friends forever' _written on it,sitting on the crate he used as his coffee table. "I think this will look even better in there."

Pinkie hugged him hard enough to cause him to dwell on how many vertebrae this friendship was going to cost him.

She put her mouth close to his ear, "Thanks for coming back for me." She whispered.

"Well, I couldn't just leave you like that, could I?"

Pinkie held Dan at arm's length and smiled with wide eyes, "It's a good thing, too! A little bit more time and I might have decided to use your vital organs as confectionary ingredients."

Dan laughed nervously, not at all convinced Pinkie had just made a joke.

Pinkie turned to Chris and Elise, "And you two, helped as well?" Pinkie said smiling.

"I set up the decorations." Elise said with a smile.

"And _I _helped bedazzled your photo album." Chris said proudly.

Dan examined his completely decorated apartment. "Don't tell me I gave you enough for all this?"

"I…sort of felt guilty about tonight and contributed a bit."

"That's OK, Elise. I forgive you." Dan said.

"_Not for you_." Elise declared. "Her!" She said nodding at Pinkie Pie.

"Your food was that bad, eh?" Dan suggested.

Chris stepped up, "We kind of had a melt-down in front of Pinkie."

"_Really_?" Dan said lifting an eyebrow and the corner of his mouth.

"_The melty-iest_!" Pinkie said with a giggle, "But you two are okay, now..?" Pinkie asked, equal parts hope and worry.

Chris reached for his wife's hand, "Yeah." He looked down at the woman he loved. "I think we are."

Elise looked up to her husband's loving eyes, the two gazing at each other for what seemed like an eternity, finally closing the…

"_**YOU TWO KNOCK THAT OFF RIGHT NOW, WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT KISSY CRAP IN THE HOUSE OF DAN**_!"

Elise and Chris continued to hold hands, but shot Dan a wry grin.

"Who's ready to _conga_? Pinkie asked.

"Oh! Me! Me!" Chris said, enthusiastically raising his hand.

"Count me out." Dan said grumpily.

Pinkie shot him a sly grin, "Daaaaan," She cooed, "I require ten conga laps from you, as part of your 'apology party'."

"But…"

"No 'but's!" Pinkie insisted, she maneuvered herself in front of Dan, grabbing his hands, and placed them on her waist.

"This is making me uncomfortable!" Dan declared, darting eyes from side to side.

Elise wasted no time in placing her own hands on Dan's waist.

Dan gritted his teeth, "I warn you, I bite…"

Chris added grabbed his wife by the waist. Elise smiled, enjoying the feeling of her husband's hands on her body.

"_Aaaand_ here we go!"

Dan stopped and listened to the song playing

Chris had bought a few CDs up from his and Elise's car, and Chris had dredged up Dan's CD player out of the filth to play a couple.

"Chris, what is this?" Dan asked.

Chris smiled "It's _Coldplay._" Chris listened for a second, "_Paradise_."

Dan paused and listened to the lyrics.

"I hate it, and I _hate_ you for sullying the inside of my walls with it."

"Love ya, too, buddy." Chris replied with a smile.

"I think it's great!" Pinkie chimed in.

Dan made a dismissive-disgusted sound.

"Whatever, I'm going to try some of the swill Elise made."

"Ooh!" Pinkie said excitedly, and rushed to try some strawberry lemonade as well.

Dan poured Pinkie a glass, then himself one. He took a sip. "Hey, Elise. There's this thing called "sugar"." Dan said, contorted his face at the tartness of the drink.

Pinkie, likewise, was making a fish face.

Elise shot Dan an annoyed look, "Sorry, I thought the strawberries would add more sweetness…"

Dan made a disgusted sigh and dug a bag full of sugar out of a cupboard.

"Allow me!" Pinkie mixed a few heaping spoonfuls of sugar with a spoon into both cups and stirred them vigorously.

Dan shot a quick suspicious look at Pinkie then took a sip. The drink was sublime. He quickly downed the whole thing to the delight of Pinkie.

Chris walked over to Elise.

"Hey Elise."

"Yeah, Chris?" Elise asked, the serious tone in her husband's voice worrying her.

"When you bring work home, can it stay in the shed from now on?" Chris asked, diplomatically.

Elise smiled wide and warmly and took her husband's hands, "Of course, dear."

Chris smiled to match his wife's.

The two closed the distance between them until their warm bodies where touching.

Elise let her arms drift up around her husband's neck.

Chris wrapped his arms around his wife's shoulders.

Pinkie's face beamed as she looked at the happy couple, inches away from kissing.

Dan stood next to Pinkie and began to protest, "WHAT DID I…"

Pinkie threw a punch into Dan's arm without turning or shifting from the spot.

Dan toppled over onto the floor with a crash.

Chris's and Elise's lips met in a passionate kiss as Pinkie let out a squeal of delight.

"Meow"

Dan stood up holding Mr. Mumbles, party hat still firmly attached around the cat's head.

"Mr. Mumbles requires more cake!" Dan announced.

Chris broke the kiss and looked over to the cat, frowning. "But it's the last piece!" He protested.

"Meow."

"Chris, I'm sorry…"-Pinkie grabbed a small paper plate with cake on it and placed it on the nearby counter- ", but we have a cat here in desperate need of some cake." She insisted.

Dan sat down Mr. Mumbles on the counter, who happily bounded to the cake and began eating it while purring away.

Elise patted her husband on the chest. "It's fine. You can have ice-cream when we get back."

Chris met his wife's gaze, "Actually…I think I've had enough sweets for one night."

"You two mind taking the mushy show on the road? Some of us are trying to eat." Dan motioned to his cat, who looked up with a face covered in frosting and offered a "meow."

Elise and Chris walked to the door, hand in hand.

"You behave yourself now." Chris commanded.

"Don't worry, Chris! I will." Pinkie answered cheerfully with a wave.

"I was talking to _DAN_." Chris stressed.

Elise embraced Pinkie whose smile grew wide with the token of affection.

"We should go clothes shopping some time." Elise offered.

Chris collapsed to the floor in a heap.

"Alone." Elise added.

Chris sat back up and breathed a sigh of relief.

The group said their goodbyes as the couple made its way outside.

Once the two were off the stairs, Dan closed the door and turned to see a pensive looking Pinkie Pie fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

"Hey, Dan…"she began, "…I…I know I have my own apartment, but…what I mean is…"

"The couch is yours." Dan said simply.

Pinkie's eyes and pupils grew to an impossible size. "P….PERMENTLY?!" She asked excitedly.

Dan stared at her blankly, unable to say no. "Sure," He said with a smile, adding "best friend forever."

Dan's next thought was regarding spines and the hope that their importance had been greatly exaggerated.

"Meow"

Dan glanced at his cat, her face now completely covered in frosting. He scratched his bandages, pondering having a roommate, especially given the cramped living quarters the two would be sharing.

"I guess we better clean up…." He said, trailing off.

Pinkie took a quick glance behind Dan's head, and dashed off.

"Pinkie?" Dan said.

In a flash, she was back. Bandages and rags in one hand, Everclear in the other.

"You're bleeding, Dan." Pinkie said, concern giving way to an eerie smile.

Dan felt the back of his head, it was just a trickle, but he had disturbed the cut a little.

"Uhhh…it's _nothing_!" Dan insisted. "It'll stop on its own!"

Pinkie placed the bottle of Everclear on Dan's foosball table and slowly approached him.

"No, Dan." She insisted, a mad smile slowly conquering its way across her face. "It must be cleaned and sterilize, IMMEDIATELY." Pinkie's head cocked to the side, and the side of her mouth twisted up to reveal a mouth of smiling teeth that violently grinded against each other for a split second.

"Oh ummm…." Dan tried to think of an excuse out. "Chris forgot his cruddy CDs, I'll just…" Dan reached for the door, but Pinkie was there in an instance, slamming an open palm in between him and his escape. A mad glint in her eyes.

Dan let out a little "Eeep" as Pinkie grabbed him by the hand…

"I hope they'll be OK." Elise mentioned.

There was some mad laughter, some painful screaming, more laughter, more screaming, some whining…

"Dan?" Elise said, recognizing the tortured voice.

...the sound of a startled cat, Dan moaning "_WHY_!?", some giggling, MORE whining, the sound of something crashing…

Chris just shook his head, "They'll be fine."

"…"

"It's the _rest_ of us I'm worried about."


	14. Part 2 Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie Epilogue

Dan awoke with an irritated grumble, sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes.

Mr. Mumbles, likewise, sat up from her spot curled next to Dan, stretched, and jumped off the bed.

It had taken a while, but he had gotten used to the near constant noise of the firing range across the street.

What was new was the sounds of whimpering from his living room that now accompanied all the gunfire. He would have simply closed his door, but that would also mean shutting Mr. Mumbles off from her litter box in the bathroom.

Clad in a black "JERK" shirt and white boxers with thin, red, vertical stripes, Dan made his way through the open door into the living room.

Mr. Mumbles was sitting in front of a white quivering boxed shaped thing that was leaning against the couch, she looked up at Dan with a short "Meow".

Dan examined the scene. Pinkie had obviously removed the couch cushions and arranged the three around herself as some sort of crude barrier, while covering herself with a sheet.

Dan sighed at how absolutely pathetic it all looked.

Pinkie slowly removed the sheet from over her head, revealing her curly pink hair, bandaged forehead, and an evening attire consisting of pink pajamas.

She looked up at Dan with her big, blue eyes, fright having set shop in them from the constant gunfire. "H…Hi Dan." She stammered out. "Did I"-a shot from a higher caliber weapon rang out, causing Pinkie to give a startled "eee" and flinch-"Did I wake you? I'm sorry, I'll try to cup my hands over my mouth…"

"What the heck do you call this?" Dan said in a rather irritated tone of voice, motioning with both hands to the three couch cushions Pinkie had arranged around herself.

Pinkie looked down. "Fort Pinkie Pie?" She offered, looking back up at Dan with a sheepish smile.

Dan smacked his palm against his face and shook his head, "This is…this is just sad." He disturbed the structure with his foot, causing it to topple around Pinkie.

Pinkie's lower lip quivered and she began to tear up slightly.

Dan walked off back into his bedroom, grumbling. There was a grunt of Dan straining, a muffled "thump", and Dan slowly emerged dragging his mattress behind him.

Pinkie looked up confused.

"Move!" Dan commanded. "And get that crate out of the way, while you're at it

Pinkie quickly grabbed the couch cushions, and pushed his makeshift coffee table out of the way as Dan plopped the mattress in front of the barren couch.

"Great." Dan said, his tone turning to something a bit calmer and even. "Now help me move the foosball table. I think it'll make a perfect entrance."

Pinkie gleefully helped Dan arrange furniture, cushions, throw pillows, blankets, and sheets until the two had arranged everything into a respectable looking mini-structure inside the apartment.

Once "Fort Dan Pie" was complete, the two crawled under the foosball table and onto the mattress, a blanket and a pillow each.

Dan yawned and rolled over, pulling his cover over himself.

Facing the wall composed of random bits of wooden furniture and throw pillows, he sleepily called out, "Goodnight Pinkie."

Pinkie sat up for a second, regarding Dan with her eyes.

"Dan?" she quietly asked.

Dan turned his body and face her, his green eyes searching for her blue ones in the darkness. "Yeah, Pinkie?" he replied.

Pinkie smiled warmly, "You're the best."

Dan smiled up at her. "I know."

Mr. Mumbles trotted in from the entrance, and curled up in between the two. Pinkie Pie leaned her head on the pillow facing Dan and quickly fell asleep, the noise of the gunfire having been defeated by Dan's kind act.

Dan also drifted off facing Pinkie. Soon he was in a deep, serene sleep. The most peaceful rest he had in many, many years.

End Part 2

Thanks for reading!


	15. Chapter 13

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily life Chapter 13 Pinkie Vs. Technology

"Wowwie-zowwie with sprinkles and a cherry on top, Twilight! You're the smartest pony _ever_!"

Pinkie sat cross legged on top of a mattress inside the mighty pillow and furniture "Fort Dan Pie". Light penetrated the thin sheet roof of the fort. She had decided to wear her pink dress that she had added a pattern of blue and yellow balloons to the bottom through careful measurement and application of iron-ons, having started to feel a little more _off _without her cutie mark. She was also wearing a small, blue, short sleeved jacket and a few colorful bracelets on her writs.

Twilight smiled proudly through the small compact mirror Pinkie was holding, "Well, it's just transferring information and magic across the communication line here, it's not a lot different from what the mirrors are already doing."

"Aw, Twilight, you're always so modest. I would have never thought you could cast spells through the mirrors!"

Twilight's expression dropped to something more neutral, "I just wish I could use the same technique to get _you_ back!"

Pinkie offered a consolatory smile. "It's okay, Twilight. I know you'll figure it out eventually." Pinkie turned to the two, thin, rectangular devices sitting on the mattress next to her and pointed her compact mirror in their direction. One was about a foot and a half across and another foot wide, the other was a of similar dimensions, but a fraction of the size of the other.

"Ready." She said.

"Aim". Was the response as a purple glow began to emanate from the tiny mirror.

"Fire!" Pinkie said with a note of excitement.

A small purple energy beam fired out from the mirror and hit the two devices which began to glow with the same purple light.

The light and noise was enough to get a mangy, grey cat sleeping on a pillow in a corner of the fort to wake and give a quizzical "Meow."

The two devices slowly levitated a few inches off the mattress, hung for a few seconds, then lowered back to their original locations. The purple glow suddenly left the two devices and changed back into a beam that fired into the mirror held by Pinkie.

Pinkie looked down at the mirror that was facing away from her. "Got it?" she asked.

"Got it."

Mr. Mumbles trotted over from her pillow perch to swat at the two electronics briefly. When they didn't respond, she trotted out of the fort under the foosball table entrance, in search of food.

Pinkie turned the mirror to see Twilight using her magic to project two sets of purple and white displays consisting of tiny circles, squares with dozens of lines jutting off in every direction; lines that made long, angled journeys across a land of hundreds and hundreds of tiny dots and shapes neither Pinkie nor Twilight had seen before.

Pinkie squinted, there seemed to be labels on just about everything, but it was almost like Twilight had written then in some code? The only think she could understand was the giant words floating over either projection. One saying "Computer" the other "Phone" which pretty much summed where Twilight's knowledge began and ended with either device, having had very limited exposer to either during her trip to her own human dimension (and having not much luck with the computers there).

"Pinkie…this is amazing!" Twilight said in…well…amazement.

"Ooh..._pretty_." was Pinkie's offering. "Are they, like…more magic symbols, or something?"

Twilight excitedly glanced between the two. "No Pinkie…I think they're both some type of machine. Like the ones I use for analyzing and chemistry, but…oh my gosh…" Twilight was beaming with excitement at this point "…just way, _**way**_ beyond anything in Equestria!"

Pinkie frowned, technology wasn't her strong suit. Dan had spent hours and hours explaining the "television" the two had embedded in the side of For Dan Pie.

In Dan's case, this meant hours of lecturing while Pinkie struggled to stay awake and Dan provided cross sections and excruciatingly tried to describe every minute piece. The whole experience left Pinkie with a desire to not concern herself so much with the workings of all the new pieces of equipment she'd never seen before.

_Well, maybe Twilight explaining it wouldn't be so bad._

"What is all that code you have there, Twilight." Pinkie asked about the numbers and letters that both displays seemed absolutely littered with.

Twilight glanced back towards Pinkie, "I'm _glad_ you asked!" Twilight said with wide eyed enthusiasm.

"You see Pinkie, my magic detection spell can only tell me things using my own frame of reference. I don't know what many of these things are, because I've never seen them before. However, I do understand molecular structure and chemical compounds that can be used to create devices such as these!"

_Oh no!_

"What you're seeing is actually a combination of _my _magic and understanding of the building blocks of all these components labeling all the components of the devices. _In fact,_ my magic and brain are working in tandem to help me understand _brand new chemical_ _compounds __**never before**_ _**discovered in Equestria!"**_

_**What have I done!?**_

"The 'code' you're seeing is actually the string of periodic elements that compose all the myriad and myriad of tiny elements of these devices. Furthermore, my knowledge can break these down into their atomic weight, electron configuration…"

_**Oh Celestia, please ma**_**a**_**a**_**a**_**ake it stop! **_

"…melting point, boiling point, vaporization p…"

"Howdy, Partners! Hope we aren't interuptin' nottin'"

_**THANK YOU, CELSTIA!**_

Twilight turned, and Pinkie could make out from the tiny mirror that Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were approaching the large, stand-up mirror on their end.

"HEY EVERYPONY! IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU ALL!" Pinkie said with an uncharacteristically large amount of enthusiasm, even for her.

Twilight glanced at her three friends, "You four catch up. I've got _**science**_ to do!" Twilight said, trotting off to another part of the very large shop she had setup in Canterlot Castle.

"Still haven't figured out those computawatchmacalits, eh?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"No." Pinkie admitted. "I tried pushing every button, asking nicely, asking not so nicely, demanding, screaming, threatening, begging, pleading, shaking…"-Pinkie looked away for a second and tapped her chin- "…trying to _will_ a response with my latent, psychic powers." She added turning back to the mirror. "So, everything, really!"

"So now, it's _Princess Egghead_, to the rescue, eh?" Pinkie and Applejack shared a small giggle at Rainbow's new pet-name for their lavender alicorn friend.

"Yep." Pinkie said with a grin, "Twilight will figure them out for sure."

"How'sa that ornery roommate of your treatin' ya." Applejack enquired.

"Much better than he _used_ to, I hope." Fluttershy added.

Pinkie smiled warmly, "Ah, he's been nice." Pinkie thought for a second and qualified, "As nice as Dan can be, at least."

"I see the most awesome and amazing furniture/pillow fort still stands." Rainbow Dash commented.

Pinkie smiled proudly, "Yep! Though, it's sort of impractical." Pinkie admitted.

"No way! Nothing _that _awesome can be impractical." Rainbow countered.

"Well, with _every _piece of furniture in the apartment that wasn't nailed down used in its construction, it's sort of the only place Dan and I can hang out, so…" Pinkie trailed off trying to think of the most diplomatic way to describe the situation. "…almost _every _conversation is pretty intense with us almost _always _being within inches of each other."

"Oh my! Sounds scary!" Fluttershy said. Pinkie had spent much time describing her exploits and conversations with Dan, each one seemed pretty terrifying to the yellow Pegasus. Dan had become a recurring nightmare in Fluttershy's sleep that even Princess Luna was having trouble helping her with (Luna having recently discovered that being set on _dream fire _was probably every bit as painful as being set on _real fire_).

Pinkie waved dismissively with a smile, "You get used to it."

"Really?" the trio of friends asked in unison.

"Yeah, you really do." Pinkie said with warmth in her voice.

"Well, he doesn't seem to be around much." Applejack stated simply.

Pinkie's expression went a little serious for a change, "I don't think he's used to living with somepo…_imean_…some_**one**_ else." Pinkie offered. "He's used to having this place all to himself." Pinkie thought on her daily battles with trying to keep the place tidy. It should have been easy with most of the stuff in the small apartment consolidated into a structure in the living room. Yet, somehow Dan would mess it all up within minutes of coming home, forcing Pinkie to start from square one every day.

To Dan's credit, he seemed just as disappointed with his own inability to keep his place clean as Pinkie was, so Pinkie was managing to keep a lid on her frustration for the time being.

"Ah still would like to meet him and give him a piece of ma mind for the things he's done ta ya!"

"I _second _that motion!" Rainbow Dash offered, "Whatsa matter? He too _yello.."-_Dash glanced at her pegasus friend - ".._**chicken **_to talk to us."

"Believe me." Pinkie responded. "It's not Dan's reaction to you that worries me." Eyes converged on Fluttershy who whimpered quietly in response.

"SO! How are things with you guys?" Pinkie asked, her smile returning as she changed the subject.

"My training at the Wonderbolts Academy is going _aaaawesooome~_!" Rainbow Dash answered. "Spitfire says that I'm the best trainee they've ever had. I'll be the best Wonderbolt _**ever **_pretty soon!"

Applejack rolled her eyes, "She also said ta work on that attitude of yours."

"Hey! I am getting better!" Rainbow Dash insisted. "I didn't say I'd be captain this ti…oops."

The friends shared a laugh.

"How's your wingpony handling things?" Pinkie continued.

"Lightning Dust…" Rainbow Dash thought for a second, "…well, she's like me, you know?" Dash offered. "She's not used to being second best."

"We'll work it out." Rainbow Dash added with a hopeful smile.

Pinkie shifted her glance to her other friends, "Ooh! Ooh! Ponyville doing OK? Do ponies miss me! Do they talk about me! All good, I hope!"

Applejack smiled, "Yep! Your absence has been noted by the people, but we keep sendin' them your love. "Fluttershy and I are holdin' down the fort. Keeping the apples goin' and the animals in line." Applejack added with pride in her voice.

"It _is_ much lonelier, though…" Fluttershy added.

"Ahhh, it's okay! I'll be back soon." Pinkie Pie assured, as much to herself as anypony.

"Ah hope so, sugarcube. With Rainbow Dash constantly at the academy, Twilight working here, and _Rarity_ liking Canterlot so much she's even moved some of her work here, Ponyville just aint the same!" Applejack explained, "We wanted to bring her along, but ah think she's at _another _garden party!"

"It's okay," Pinkie said. "She and I caught up yesterday. She tries to see me whenever possible."

Rainbow Dash made a disgusted "Ugh" sound, "You mean she actually finds time away from her constant rubbing elbows with _every_ fancy unicorn here?"

"Yep!" Pinkie giggled, "She _even_ finds time to make her dresses and sell them at exorbitant prices to the ponies here! They can't seem to get enough!" Pinkie leaned in close to the mirror and whispered, "Could you maybe tell her the next thing she needs to pay attention to is her sleep? I think she may be overdoing it a _bit…_"

"Tell me about it." Fluttershy said, "She took me to one of her fancy parties, and I had to hold her up nearly the entire time…"

"Hold up there, partner!" Applejack interrupted, "Are you tellin' me Rarity actually invited you to one of her fancy shin-digs?"

Fluttershy smiled sheepishly, "She said my 'grace and poise where _perfect _for high society.'" Fluttershy frowned. "It was kinda fun until one of those fancy unicorns recognized me from my modeling time…" Fluttershy shuttered with the memory of being crowded at the party, an experience that mirrored her brief and unpleasant foray into modeling. "They couldn't leave me alone after that…"

Rainbow Dash grinned, "Heh, I bet Miss Fussy Hooves was pretty jealous."

"Not really." Fluttershy corrected, "I think her friends like her even _more _now that they know she's best friends with an _**ex**_model…plus she sort of passed out on the horderves table while everypony was hounding me."

The four friends shared another big laugh.

Pinkie cocked her head to the side as she heard footsteps slowly approach the apartment door; a familiar, grumpy voice accompanying them.

"Ooh! Gotta go! I love you all! Give Ponyville my love, too, will ya!"

The trio waved through the small mirror.

"Will do, sugarcube!" Applejack replied as Pinkie shut the compact mirror.

Pinkie heard the door open as Dan walked in.

"Alright, I'll tell her." She heard Dan say.

She saw the familiar face of her room/fortmate lean down through the entrance.

"Get outa there, will ya?" Dan said. "We're heading out."


	16. Chapter 14

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily life Chapter 14 Elise Vs. Generosity

Pinkie crawled out from under the foosball table, "Out _wherey-dairy-berry_, Dan?"

"There's this place called 'outside'?" Dan began snidely, moving the phone he was speaking into a few inches away from his mouth. "Perchance you've heard the legend? Big blue ceiling, extends forever in all directions, home to all things outside the apartment."

Pinkie rolled her eyes, "Yes, Dan. I _know_ what 'outside' means."

_To be fair, I haven't set foot outside without someone else with me…but this place is pretty scary by human standards! _

_And why does everyone have giant, spiky fences and gates in front of their houses? _

"Pinkie?"

_Is it to keep in their tiny, yappy dogs? Why does __**everyone**__ have a tiny, yappy dog?!_

_Ulg, except the house with that Doberman, why couldn't __**they**__ have a yappy dog, instead of that scary monster of a dog?_

"Pinkie!"

_One day, Doberman, mark my words! One day, Pinkie Pie will… _

"_**Piiinkiieee**_!"

"Right. _Sorry_. Where was I?"

"I know what 'outside' means." Dan said, mimicking Pinkie's eye roll.

"Yeah…I mean, _wherey-dairy-berry_ outside are we going?..", Pinkie's eyes narrowed, "We're not attacking the grocery outlet store because you ate old meat that made you sick again, are we?"

There was a "What was that?!" Heard from the phone in Dan's hand.

Dan responded by looking down at it, pointing firmly, and declaring "You heard _NOTHING_!" Dan looked back towards Pinkie, "And, 'No'. I think they're still scrubbing out the smell of rancid meat from the walls and ceiling."

"Good," Pinkie replied without changing expression, "Because I'M still scrubbing the smell from the clothes we wore that day!" Pinkie glanced away for a second and added, "I didn't realize dynamite was so good at liquefying putrid meat."

"Hey! I was right, wasn't I?" Dan countered.

Pinkie sighed, "Yes Dan, it _WAS_ a conspiracy that went all the way up to the FDA so that grocery outlet stores could keep meat on the shelves longer." Pinkie admitted exasperated that Dan never stopped to remind her when he was right about a theory. "So _wherey, dairy, berry_, _**outside**_, are we going?"

"Elise is taking us out to dinner." Dan said flatly, placing the phone back to his ear.

Pinkie immediately perked back up to her…well…_perky_ self. "Oooh! Ooh! I'll grab my walle…"

"Elise also says if she so much as sees that wallet she'll break your hand in three places."

There is was an angry cry of "_Don't tell her I said __**that**_!" As Dan terminated the call.

"_**WHAT**_?! _**Why**_…"

"…would you say that to him?" Chris asked from the driver seat of his and Elise's blue sedan. "You know there's no way he'd _not_ tell her.

"I _**know**_! It's just…does she have to _insist_ on paying for _everything?_!" Elise began listing items on her fingers, "Gas, movies, dinners, snacks, lunch…" Elise paused then raised her other hand, continuing the count, "breakfast, brunch…utility bills…" Elise dropped her hands and added "…house payment." with a sigh.

"Did you figure out where it all comes from?" Chris asked.

"No!" Elise responded with no small amount of frustration. "I managed to get quite a few bills just hanging out with her and asking for change right behind her. I analyzed them, and all of them are legit! And my research hasn't turned up any evidence that they're stolen from anywhere. Other than the possibility that they're perfect copies of other bills out in circulation, I can't find any evidence of wrongdoing! It's like the money in that wallet..."

"…_**breeds**_?" Dan parroted back to Pinkie, considering calling her an idiot for even asking, but his urge to respond with his typical irate attitude was overruled by the shear bizarreness of the question. "No, Pinkie. Money does not _**breed**_ here, no matter how much of it you keep together…" Dan thought for a second, glancing at the ceiling. "Actually…wait…is _that_ how banks work?" He asked no one in particular.

"Well, it's all got to come from _somewhere_!" Pinkie insisted.

"Like a magic wallet that appeared when you crossed dimensions specifically created so you'd have the resources to get by?"

"Well…" Pinkie glanced to the side, rubbing her hand against her chin, "That makes _perfect_ sense, but who…"

"…would even give her something like that?" Elise asked.

Chris raised an eyebrow, "You really think its alien technology that's set to create more money every time she removes a bill?" He asked skeptically.

"OK, of the two of us, who do you think has seen more alien technology?" Elise asked with a sideways glance.

"_I watch a lot of sci-fi!" _Chris insisted, indignantly. "Anyway, I'm surprised Dan doesn't even take advantage of it. I mean, he's never had trouble asking for money from _me_."

"I think it's different with Pinkie, she's so…_willing._ And tends to assume she's doing everyone a favor.I think it makes him just as…"

"_**UNCOMFORTABLE?!" **_Pinkie parroted back to Dan, albeit, with quite a bit more force. "**Why**? I WANT to help everypo…I men _**body**_! Why wouldn't they like it?" Pinkie asked with a pleading pout.

Dan paused and thought for a second. Explaining things Pinkie didn't have an equivalent for was easy enough, TV, telephones, those…_things_ on the street you weren't allowed to park next to where water comes out of if you hit them hard enough with a pipe wrench. However, it was always difficult to explain human psychology.

_Maybe no one in Equestria has to deal with imposter syndrome..?_

_Or, that's just Pinkie Pie and I'll have to pierce that thick skull of hers somehow._

"Dan?"

_Hammer and chisel..? Naw, she squirms too much for that._

_Ghost Chili pepper extract and baking soda? Hmmm…No, that would probably melt her entire head off._

"Dan!"

_Oh! Power drill! I'll just duct tape her to my chair…ah crud, the fort…_

"_**Daaaaaaaan**_!"

"Uhhh…Where was I?"

"You were telling me I'm making everyone uncomfortable with how I pay for everything." Pinkie said, throwing her arms to the side.

"Right!" Dan said, deciding to opt for a tactic with a far smaller chance of killing his new roommate, or cleaning bits of blood and skull out of the dingy carpet. "OK, so you know how each of us can get money on our own; Elise is employed, Chris is _occasionally_ employed, I live off my bingo winnings and recovered wishing money from fountains…" Dan said, listing each person on their own finger as he tapped them with his other index finger.

"But I seem to have a super-duper unlimited amount of the stuff!" Pinkie insisted, "Why shouldn't my friends let me take care of them?"

Dan winced, "Did it ever occur to you that we don't always _want _to be taken care of?"

Pinkie blinked a few times, a blank expression on her face signifying she didn't get it.

"…_Well_, I _guess_ I can let Elise pay this once..."

Dan sighed, it would have to do for now.

"But _**I**_ get to pay for desert!" Pinkie responded resolutely.

Dan folded his arms, "Just how attached are you to your hands?"

Pinkie raised her hands to her eye level and gave them a vigorous shake, "They seem pretty solidly attached to the rest of me."

Dan squinched his eyes together and grabbed the bridge of his nose with a thumb and forefinger. "I _meant, _just how ready are you to have Elise shatter the bones in one?"

Pinkie turned her hands palms up and regarded each one, looking back and forth between the pair, "_Shakey_ or _Wavey_?" She said, holding her hands out for Dan to see.

Dan cocked an eyebrow, "Does it matter?"

Pinkie brought her hands back up to her face and considered this. "_Fine…_" she sighed out.

Dan grinned with his mouth full of pointed death and rubbed his hands together. "Great! Now that that's settled, where should we go? I'm thinking…"

"_Lenny's_?Are you serious?" Elise asked, shocked. "Even excluding Pinkie's _first _visit, remember when she discovered _imitation vanilla_ for the first time?"

"_**Imitation Vanilla?!**_ _**Imitation Vaaanillaaaa?!**_" Pinkie said as her squeaky voice changed into a screech. "Listen here, buster! I know '_**imitation' **_is the 'highest form of flattery', but this is a _**crime**_ against _food_! How can you even _think _this bland, _fake__**, **_**LIE, **of a _real _substance is an acceptable substitute! I wouldn't feed this to my alligator! _I WOULDN'T FEED THIS TO THE ALLIGATORS IN THE EVERFREE FOREST!" _

The hapless chef looked up from the stool Pinkie had sat him on for his high-pitched, dressing down. "Can..can I go now? My shift ended hours ago, and…"

"_**I'M NOT FINISHED TELLING YOU HOW BAD YOU ARE AT EVERYTHING AND HOW YOU'LL NEVER AMMOUNT TO ANYTHING IN YOUR WORTHLESS, BAKED GOODS RUINING LIFE!" **_

Elise continued, "Or the time she and…"

"…I made that **awesome** pancake thrower!" Dan said, trying to sway his roommate.

"Catapult." Dan offered.

Pinkie thought about this for a second, "Isn't catapult ammunition usually…_round_?" Pinkie motioned her hands in a spherical manner, "And pancakes are _flat_," Pinkie moved her hands together to symbolize flat, "I doubt we could control the trajectory with all that air resistance." Pinkie held up one palm flatly and wiggled her fingers at it with the other, signifying air moving against the flat side of a pancake.

"Trebuchet!"

"Same problem, you're just using a counter-weight instead of skein to throw the pancakes awkwardly." Pinkie replied as she absentmindedly chewed on the end of a straw.

Dan smiled, he was enjoying that Pinkie was surprisingly knowledgeable about siege weaponry, him and her just having had a very fulfilling discussion on cannons. "Ballista." He continued.

Pinkie brought her elbows onto the table, raising her forearms towards her face as she clasped a loose hand around a loose fist. She rested her chin on her hands as she glanced towards the corners of her eye and continued chewing her straw.

Pinkie frowned. "I don't think the pancake would retain its shape as it was propelled through the trough at such a high speed." She explained.

Dan turned his head with a thoughtful expression and rested his chin on his palm. He began racking his brain for something else that could propel pancakes through the air at dangerous speeds but not suffer the same problems Pinkie had listed.

Dan heard a snap from the across the table, he turned to see a smiling Pinkie holding up a finger in an "Ah Ha!" pose. "Disk thrower." She said with a proud grin.

Dan furrowed his brow, "Disk thrower?"

"Yeah, like…like a catapult, but instead of throwing the pancakes _overhand,_ "Pinkie mimicked an overhand throw with her arm, "We grip it by the edge and _toss _it horizontally while adding a spin to give it stability." Pinkie mimicked throwing a disc or Frisbee, "_That way _it can fly in a targeted glide!"

Dan paused.

"…THAT'S THE GREATEST IDEA ANYONE HAS EVER HAD, _**EVER**_!" He insisted, excitedly slapping his palms on the table, leaning closer in.

Pinkie mirrored his response with an "_Iknowright?!_"

Dan turned to a familiar looking, skinny waitress with California tanned skin and blonde hair.

"Garcon!" He commanded. "More pancakes, post haste!"

The waitress rolled her eyes. "'Garcon' means 'boy'." She replied with mild annoyance.

"I know!" Dan responded cheerfully, "I just _don't like_ you!"

*soon*

"I can't believe the store room had all that rope and tools sitting in it!" Pinkie said, admiring the medieval looking device Dan and her had created.

"I can't believe they didn't kick us out when we stole all the shelves from the store room and used them to create this device." Dan replied.

"Alright…" Pinkie carefully loaded a pancake into the throwing 'arm' of the device.

Dan turned a wince on the side of the device which slowly moved the arm back until the tension was at max.

"Target?" Pinkie asked.

"That family with the obnoxious kids who refuse to sit still and the parents who refuse to _do _anything about it." Dan suggested.

"_Dan_!" Pinkie said with a reprimanding tone, "I'm not going to use this on people! No matter how bad the children are or the parents are at raising them." She insisted.

Dan sighed and rolled his eyes, "Oh, all right. How about that metal cylinder a little to the _right _of the obnoxious family."

"You mean 'garbage can'"? Pinkie offered.

"_Whatever! _It's not a human, is it?"

Pinkie's expression softened back into a smile, "That's acceptable." She shifted the device slightly as she eyed her target.

"PULL!" Dan yelled.

Pinkie pulled back a small lever on the device which caused the arm to rocket back into place, releasing the pancake to spin and glide at high speed, the doughy discus cutting through the restaurant air and directly into the food and beverages sitting on top of the table in front of the "obnoxious" family, splattering soda and food all over them.

Dan buried his mouth into his arm and tried to stifle a laugh.

"Whoops…" Pinkie said, "My calibration was off." She fiddled with a few components on the device and loaded a second pancake.

Dan dutifully winced the arm back again. "PULL!"

This time the pancake sailed too far right, colliding with the cash register witch flew off its perch and directly onto the chest of the _Lenny's _employee working it who collapsed to the floor under its weight.

Pinkie wrinkled her features over the cry of "_MY RIB CAGE_!" and uttered a "Too much" as she did more adjustments.

"Misaligned calculations aside, the fact that we took out a cash register with a pancake is _very _impressive." Dan said with delight.

Pinkie loaded the arm, "Alright, that should do it, wince it up."

Dan complied as their waitress angrily walked up to the table and stood in front of them. _"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" _She demanded.

"Pull!" Pinkie commanded herself, launching a point-blank pancake into the chest of their irate waitress. This was quickly followed by a surprised yelp, the sound of breaking glass, and a loud thump.

Pinkie and Dan peered through the waitress sized hole that was just recently made in one of the large windows of the restaurant.

Dan turned to Pinkie, "Not that I'm complaining, but I thought you said 'no people'."

Pinkie turned to Dan, "Yeah, I don't really like her, either." She admitted.

"DAN!" Pinkie insisted, I said…"

"No way are we going back there after I had to remove you two after the syrup fiasco!" Elise said sternly.

Pinkie eyed one of the syrup dispensers carefully and looked up. "Did you ever just want to drink the entire contents of one of these things?"

"Only every day of my life." Chris responded, his pupils dilating with the thought.

"No! That's disgusting." Dan replied. "However, I have a strange and sudden urge to see what will happen if you two do it." He said in a ponderous tone.

Pinkie grinned mischievously, and looked across the table to Chris. She held up one of the syrup dispensers by the handle, the viscous, translucent, light red material contained within seductively shifting back in forth.

"Syrup race?" she offered.

Chris wasted no time picking out his weapon of choice, a dark blue tinted syrup of his own. "You're _on_!" He said, as determination took hold of his features.

Pinkie turned to Dan who was sitting next to her.

"Dan, would you like to get us started?"

Dan looked from Pinkie then to Chris. Both had wild, yet exited and resolute expressions plastered on their faces.

Dan shrugged, "Go!"

The two competitors wasted no time in opening and placing the syrup dispensers to their lips, quickly emptying the contents in large gulps within a matter of seconds.

With a strong clink of thick glass hitting wood, Pinkie gleefully brought her empty dispenser to the table, a split second before Chris.

"HAH!" She said, her eye twitching slightly.

"Hey, no _fair_!" Chris complained. "The strawberry is thinner than the blueberry!"

"Oh Chris, don't be such a baby." Dan replied.

Pinkie wiped her mouth with her arm in a jerky, quick movement, "No, Dan. He might be right! I will not have my victory tarnished by inconsistent syrup viscosity!"

In a flash, Chris and Pinkie snagged the remaining two dispensers on the table. They eyed each other carefully with pupils that had slowly started to grow in size, then the two turned and looked at Dan.

Dan examined the two with renewed interest and uttered a soft, "go."

*2 additional races later*

"Dan! Dan, Dan, Dan, DanDan_DanDanDanDan__**DanDanDanDanDanDan**_**!"**

"**WHAT?!" **Dan asked, looking into Pinkie's eyes, the blue having seceded much territory to her black pupils at this point.

"I can see _forever_, Dan!" Pinkie replied, wide eyed, her normally content smile being replaced by one a bit wilder.

Chris suddenly dashed onto the scene holding another four syrup dispensers in a metal holder. "Pinkie! I got us another set!" Chris said, his own blue eyes likewise, turning black. "We _mustn't _let this stalemate stand!"

"Oh, yesyesyes_yesyesyesyes__**yesyesyesyesyes**_YESYESYES_YESYES__**YESYESYESYES**_!"

The two turned to Dan who had noticed the pair of competitors seemed to be vibrating.

_Are they excited, or suffering some sort of crazy glucose overdose..? Oh well, as long as they're having fun…and I'm not likely to get hurt._

"Go!"

In a flash, syrup went from dispenser to throat.

Dan picked up his phone and dialed. "Elise? You might want to get down to _Lenny's_…" Dan eyed the two sticky individuals who were grinning at him with, wide, toothy grins. The two were already holding their next set of dispensers. "…Bring a tarp." He added.

"Go!"

*14 additional races later*

"_**WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE 'OUT OF SYRUP'!" **_Pinkie screeched at a familiar waitress, the waitress having changed her look slightly by adding a cast and sling on one arm and some assorted bandages over her face.

"You two...you two drank all the syrup in the restaurant." The waitress gulped. "There _isn't_ anymore."

"I don't _believe_ her!" Chris said, "I think she just wants it all for herself!" Chris positioned an accusatory finger at the waitress with unbelievable speed. The blacks of his pupils had conquered almost all other color from his eyes.

"You're _right _Chris!" Pinkie replied, her eyes similarly practically pitch black at this point. "My new _syrup sense _sees through her trickery!" In a flash, Pinkie was behind the waitress and had hooked her arms under the waitress's. "Quick!" Pinkie said. "I'll hold her in place, you hit her until she confesses her sins!"

Chris grimly approached the waitress, "It doesn't have to go down this way. Just tell us where you're hiding the syrup."

"You know…"Dan interrupted, placing a hand on Chris's arm. A hand which he quickly pulled back staring at the sticky residue that had just affixed itself to his palm, "One would imagine you'd just let someone else serve us at some point." He said, looking at the restrained waitress.

Tears began streaming from the waitresses face as fear gripped her, "I…I'm trying to wreak petty vengeance on you all by being a"-The waitress sniffed loudly-"_**ba**__a__**a**__a__**a**__a__**d **_server!"

Dan paused, "OK, now I sorta feel like you've brought this upon yourself. Go ahead and hit her Chris."

"DAN! CHRIS! PINKIE! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE!?" Elise called from the entrance, trying to process the sticky scene of violence she had just interrupted.

"Hiya, Elise!" Pinkie replied cheerfully, her head twitching slightly and teeth grinding for a split second. "Chris and I are _tied_ and were about to interrogate this syrup stasher so we can have a game winning match! Wanna help?" Pinkie asked, her head jerking to the side slightly.

"DAN!" Elise asked accusatorily, "What did you _**do**_!?" Elise asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Me!" Dan said in a hurt tone. "I didn't do anything! I just sat in judgment of them."

"That doesn't sound very helpful, Dan!" Elise countered.

"Wha… I was _very_ helpful!" Dan contended. "Wait, did I said 'judgment'? I meant 'judged'! As in 'I helped judge for them'."

"_**Pleaeaeaeaease let me go**_!" The panicked waitress pleaded.

"No more stalling!" Pinkie replied. "Chris, start hitting!"

"But I already told you there _isn't_ any more syrup!" The waitress insisted.

"Punch her, Chris." Pinkie insisted forcefully, "Punch her in the _**face**_!"

With great speed, Chris pulled back his fist and then there was a flash of movement from behind him as Elise expertly propelled a chop from her hand into the side of his neck.

Chris's eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed in a heap.

Pinkie's eyes narrowed as she released her captive who fell to the ground in a heap of tears. "Not cool, Elise. I can't compete with an unconscious man."

Elise raised her hands into tense knives ready to fight her way through another opponent. "Are we going to do this the hard way?" She inquired of the Pink haired, syrup hyped girl in front of her.

Pinkie's eye twitched and her teeth gritted.

Dan watched with quiet interest.

The two women had a tense stare down.

Pinkie sighed, grabbed a glass, filled it with orange soda from a nearby soda fountain and poured the contents onto the waitress who screamed in agony. "Your husband owes me a _rematch_." She insisted as she walked towards the entrance, casually lobbing the empty glass behind her, causing it to shatter on the floor.

Elise breathed a sigh of relief, and grabbed her husband under his arms, and dragged him out.

Dan walked up to the waitress and looked down at her, regarding her. He opened his wallet, pulled out a wrinkled five dollar bill, and dropped it in front of her quivering body with a "You don't deserve this, but…"

Dan walked off towards the entrance.

…

And then he walked back and retrieved his five dollars. "Yeah, you really _don't _deserve this." He said, returning to the entrance.

Chris pondered this for a second, "You know Pinkie and I still haven't had that rematch…"

"No, Chris! You're _still _washing syrup out your…"

"…hair." Pinkie said, glancing up at her own pink curls in irritation.

"Hey, I cleaned you off!" Dan insisted.

"Being _drenched_ with a garden hose before I was allowed back in the apartment is not what I'd consider being 'cleaned off'."

"But you were all _sticky_!" Dan whined.

Pinkie sighed, rolled her eyes, and crossed her arms, "NO _LENNY'S_!"

"Fine!" Dan said with a huff. He turned his head slightly as he heard approaching footsteps. "Hey, they're…"

"…Here." Chris said, knocking on the apartment door.

It flung open. "Chris! Elise!" Pinkie flung her arms around the couple and squeezed tight, her customary greeting!"

The two managed weak "Hi Pinkie."s through Pinkie's boa constrictor like grip.

"Oh, I'm so excited to see you two here, are you excited?! Are ya, Are ya, Areya, huh huh! OOH! I haven't sung you two my new and improved welcome song."

Elise smiled and raised an eyebrow, "You have songs?"

"I'm pretty sure Pinkie is mostly _composed_ of songs." Dan said.

"Oh, Dan! Can I sing it?! Can I? _Can I_? _**Please~**_." Pinkie begged, given Dan a double barrel shot of puppy dog eyes, dazzling smile, and hands cupped under her chin.

"Knock yourself out." Dan sighed.

Pinkie inhaled a large amount of air, and…

"_Welcome welcome welcome"_

"_I hope you were not robbed!"_

"_Welcome welcome welcome"_

"_Did you avoid all the snobs?"_

"_Welcome welcome welcome"_

"_I hope your car stays okay"_

"_Welcome welcome welcome"_

"_To our apartment __**toooodaaaaay!"**_

Elise and Chris put on amused expressions.

"Uhhh, thanks?" Chris replied.

"I meant _literally_." Dan qualified.

"Dan, did _you _have something to do with those lyrics?" Elise asked irritably.

Dan gave himself a small grin, "Hehe, yeah…"

"Dan said my original lyrics didn't properly convey the - Pinkie did some air quotes - " 'horrors' of living here…Although, his original suggestions where a bit…graphic." Pinkie explained.

Elise tossed Dan a glance, but opted to avoid lecturing him on his ongoing corruption of his roommate. Pinkie was usually the first to his defense anyhow. "Ready to go?" She asked.

"Sure Elise, just let me get…" Pinkie's expression shifted to something a little more pensive as if she just noticed Elise "…my bag…" Pinkie slinked off back into the apartment and down into the fort.

Elise frowned, having wished she could have calmly explained her feelings rather than Dan delivering a threat of violence on her behalf.

"_**DUDE**_! YOU HAVE A FORT?!" Chris exclaimed excitedly.

"…Did you just 'dude' me?" Dan replied with a raised eyebrow.

Pinkie popped out from under the foosball table, pink bag in tow. "Ready!" She said excitedly.

"I can't _**believe**_ you two have a fort!" Chris continued.

"Ooh! Would you like to see inside _Fort Dan Pie_?" Pinkie asked.

"_WOULD I?!_"

Chris was under the foosball table and out of sight in a matter of seconds, "You guys have a bed, and a TV, _AND A CAT!_?"

Mr. Mumbles gave a quiet "meow" in response.

Chris reappeared, "This is _**AWESOME**_!" He stood up and looked at his wife, "Can WE make a fort?! Please!" Chris grinned wide showing all his teeth.

Elise fought back the initial response to say, "No" when she saw the excited look on Chris's face. She rolled her eyes while smiling.

_Who knows, it could be fun._

"Alright, honey." She said, patting Chris's arm.

Chris gave himself a little "Yay!" and embraced his wife, kissing her on the lips.

"Awww…" Pinkie replied.

"Ulg..." Dan replied, walking towards the stairs. "Can we go? This mushy stuff is hurting my appetite."

The group made its way to the car, Pinkie bounding the entire way.

"So…Where he going?" Chris asked from the driver seat. "I'm thinking…"

"Chris, if you say '_Burgerphile'_ I **will** hurt you." Elise interrupted.

Chris frowned, "Okay, then how about?.."

"Chris, if you say _'Lenny's' _I can't be held responsible for my actions." Pinkie said.

Chris sighed, "Alright then, what about?.."

"Chris, if you say anything, I'm going to punch you." Dan stated.

"Any particular reason?" Pinkie asked from the seat next to him.

Dan shrugged, "I just wanted to be included."

Chris thought for a second. "Pizza_OW_!" He rubbed his recently punched arm.

Elise thought, "Oh, that gives me an idea! _Tomatoe Garden_!"

Dan rolled his eyes, "Yes, let's all get mediocre Italian chain food." He said grumpily.

Elise turned back to argue with him, but Pinkie interrupted.

"Ooh! What about the Italian place you took me to, Dan! It was _super_ yummy! And we haven't caused any property damage there or assaulted anyone with food or _anything_!"

Elise was surprised, "You took her out…and you two didn't destroy anything…" Elise thought for a second and added, "…Or anybody?"

"Well, Pinkie is still on the fence about meat, so I've had to expand my restaurant choices." Dan insisted.

Elise turned forward in her seat and smiled, it wasn't like Dan to think of anybody but himself. "Sounds good."

The four managed to enjoy a fairly normal meal. Aside from Dan irritably describing how to pronounce "bruschetta" to Chris, and Elise irritably describing what linguini was to Dan.

Normal until…

The waiter placed a black tray with a slip of paper in the center of the table.

Pinkie and Elise looked at it slip of paper then up at each other.

Pinkie's eyes narrowed as she reached for her pink bag.

Elise hands tensed as she reached into her own pocket. "Are we going to do this the hard way?" She inquired of the pink haired girl in front of her.

Pinkie's eye twitched and her teeth gritted.

Dan watched with quiet interest.

Chris gulped, his eyes moving back and forth between his wife and Pinkie.

The two women had a tense stare down.

Pinkie shot up straight, bag and in hand, and announced "Bathroom!", then dashed away.

Elise breathed a sigh of relief, grabbed her wallet, and deposited a plastic card on top of the black tray.

Pinkie breathed heavily in front of the bathroom mirror, splashing water on her face. She reached into her bag and produced a small compact mirror.

"Hello?" Pinkie asked. "Is anypony there?"

Twilight's head popped into view. "Pinkie!" She said excitedly, "You would not _believe_ what I discovered looking at those devices! Did you know humans use gold as a conducto…"

"Twilight, I'm sorry. But can you find Rarity for me?" Pinkie looked down for a second. "It's kind of an emergency."

Twilight blinked a few times. "Sure Pinkie." She said with a warm smile. Twilight looked up towards the ceiling as if searching it for something as her horn glowed purple. In a purple flash she was out of site.

Pinkie sighed.

_Why does being generous have to be so complicated?_

The mirror flashed purple once more, Twilight was back with a white unicorn in an elegant dress, heavy bags under her eyes.

"So, Pinkie, Twilight tells me you need my help?"

"Oh more than ever, Rarity! I need your advice!"

"Of course, darling." Rarity said. "I'm always happy to help my dear friend, Pinkie Pie."

Twilight smiled and excused herself back to her work with an "I'll just leave you two alone…"

"So, tell me! What seems to be the trouble?" Rarity asked with a tired smile.

"Well…You know how I have that wallet that somehow never runs out of money?"

"Hmm, yes, I remember telling you how jealous I was on numerous occasions."

Pinkie giggled slightly, then exhaled a large volume of air, "Well, I keep on buying everything here for my friends, but even though I have all this money and it's no trouble, and I really, _really_, _**really**_ want to help them, it sounds like it's actually making them super-duper uncomfortable, but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable! I only want to help everybody and I don't understand why they wouldn't want my help despite it being no trouble from me, so I thought my friend Rarity" - Pinkie pointed at Rarity through the mirror - "being the element of generosity could tell me what I need to do!"

Pinkie stopped and took a series of short, shallow breaths.

Rarity smiled a knowing smile, "Yes, I see exactly how that can be a problem."

Pinkie perked up, "You DO?! So do you think it might be some weird, _human_, thing? Because there's a lot of weird things here. Did you know they all have these giant metal fences to keep in the tiniest dogs ever?"

Rarity held up a hoof, to quiet her friend, "No, Pinkie. I mean, I understand how that could make your friends uncomfortable."

Pinkie put on a pout, "Really? Because _**I **__don't!"_

Rarity tapped a hoof against her chin and thought for a second, "Oaky," Rarity looked up at her friend, "What if the Cakes suddenly decided to let you stay with them rent free? In fact, say they did that and said you no longer needed to work at the bakery or babysit, but they'd still pay you anyways?"

"Well, I…" Pinkie's eyes went wide as a thought finally clicked in her brain. "I guess I'd feel like I was a charity case to them…"

Rarity nodded with a smile, "Excatly!"

"Thanks Rarity! I need to get going, but…can I ask you one more favor?" Pinkie asked tentatively.

"Of course!"

Pinkie turned her mirror so it was facing that bathroom mirror and held it close, "Could you maybe try to get some more sleep?"

Rarity touched a hoof to the black bags under eyes and stuck her lower lip out, it quivering a bit.

"Pinkie?"

Pinkie turned the mirror back to face her. "Yes, Rarity?"

"I shall excuse myself from my current engagement immediately." Rarity said with a smile, "Thank you."

Pinkie smiled wide, "No, _thank you_, Rarity! Say goodbye to Twilight for me, would ya?"

Rarity nodded, smile still on her face, "Of course."

Pinkie closed the mirror, put it back into her bag, and then exited the bathroom.

Dan, Chris, and Elise all stood up as Pinkie approached.

"Everything oaky?" Elise asked, concerned.

Pinkie gave her friend a quick hug that was reciprocated, "Yeah," Pinkie answered with a smile. "Everything's fine."

The group started walking to the exit.

"So…dessert." Pinkie began, "I'm thinking ice-cream."

The other three stopped and stared at her.

"Chris is buying." Pinkie said with a wry grin.

"Wha…why me?" Chris began.

"Second." Dan said with a huge smile.

"Hey! But…"

"Thirded." Elise added with a smile to match Dan's.

Chris sighed.

_At least I still get to make a furniture fort._


	17. Chapter 15

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life Chapter 15 Pinkie Vs. Doberman

Pinkie added a couple of spray canisters to her belt as she looked herself over in the mirror.

She was wearing her white and light red horizontally striped, long sleeved shirt that she had ironed some balloons in place of her cutie mark; some rolled up, cut-off denim shorts; her pink sneakers (which had taken her quite some time to lace up properly with her hands and teeth); and a small assortment of colorful bracelets on her wrists.

In addition, she had added a long length, short sleeved, light blue jacket.

Pinkie sighed.

_If only I had a place for my crowbar… _

She thought for a second, and went to the kitchen. Digging through the drawers, she pulled out a long chef's knife in a plastic sheath. She unsheathed the cutting utensil and looked over the deadly looking implement as her reflection stared back at her.

_This feels…right…_

_Though, in a very 'I'm going to start abducting people from the neighborhood and brutally torture them to death over the course of several days via some sort of random number lottery' sort of way…_

…_Yeah, better make this my last resort…_

Pinkie placed the knife on a side pocket on her pink laptop bag, then slung the bag over her shoulder.

_Alright, I have two cans of mace, a knife, money, and a song._

_I'm ready for battle._

Pinkie gulped as she reached for the doorknob to the apartment door.

_I'm going to do it!_

_I'm going to walk to the store and buy some groceries!_

Pinkie carefully opened the door and stepped out into the California sun.

The oppressive heat beat down on her as she slowly made her way to the stairs, her normal bounding from place to place replaced with slow, calculated walking.

Her stomach churned as she pushed on, making it to the street and slowly pushing herself beyond the sidewalk to the next block over.

Slowly but surely, she made it block by block. Eventually, she tentatively began singing.

_Take care when you're walking down the streets_

_Because you never know who you just might meet_

_There's lots of muggers out here your stuff they want to keep _

_And they won't hesitate to give your face a…_

"Hey, Pinkie."

"_Eek!"_

In a flash, Pinkie had grabbed a mace canister in each hand and gave her potential assailant a double dose of mace.

"…Well good afternoon to you, too." Dan said, slightly irritated by the pepper shower he was just given.

"DAN!" Pinkie explained, excitedly giving her roommate a big hug and rubbing her soft face against his abrasive, unshaved one, noticing something a bit wet and hot against her face…

"Whoops…" Pinkie said as the depth of what she had done set in physically and mentally.

"_WHY IS EVERYTHING ON YOUR WORLD MADE OF PAIN!?" _Pinkie cried to her roommate through the cheap, hollow core door of their bathroom.

Dan leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. Aside from the sound of tortured, painful sobs, and running water; this was the first sound Dan had heard in quite some time.

"You get used to it." He said, loud enough for Pinkie to hear through the door and over the running shower.

"_REALLY?!"_ Pinkie managed to choke back.

Dan pondered his own pain threshold built up after years of savage beatings and being exposed to debilitating chemicals. "Yeah, really."

Dan heard the water turn off and waited a few minutes for Pinkie to emerge, curly hair still wet. She had swapped out her striped shirt for a red one with a floral pattern (the striped shirt now needing a good washing unless the wearer wanted to simulate the feeling of having their torso set on fire). Her face was still red and a bit puffy. Her eyes still watered, and there was a pleading look plastered on her face and directed full force in Dan's direction.

Dan sighed, knowing full well what was comming. "_You wanna talk about it?" _He mumbled.

Pinkie vigorously shook her head up and down with the same look on her face, spraying the area with water.

Dan wiped a now moist face with his palm and made his way to _Fort Dan Pie_, crawling in and sitting on his side of the mattress, Pinkie right behind.

"Groceries", Pinkie said. Her shirt slowly getting soaked as water continued to drop down from her hair

"You want groceries?" Dan said with a raised eyebrow. "We can _get _groceries."

"Not 'we'", Pinkie corrected, "just 'me'".

Dan stared blankly, so Pinkie continued.

"I can't just sit in the apartment all day and wait for you to come back before I do anything…I need to pony up doing this on my own."

Dan paused, "You're having difficulty walking ten blocks?" He asked as surprise entered his face.

"Dan! This place is _ter-ri-fy-ing_, I was nearly mugged within a minute of arriving, half the people drive around distracted by their phones, everyone has these big iron gates like they're trying to keep the Black Knight at bay, and tiny yappy dogs bark at you everywhere you go…except for the one house right _before _the grocery store! They have this scary looking Doberman that always acts like it wants to tear the throat out of anyone who walks by!"

Dan thought for a second, "Oh that dog? Yeah, he probably does want to tear out your throat…"

"SEE_!"_

"So that's what you were doing before you decided my day wasn't spicy enough? Walking to the store?"

Pinkie nodded.

"And the song?" Dan asked.

Pinkie sighed, "Well, I have a song for when I'm scared, but it's more for imagined dangers. Not for the very real danger of being flattened by a soccer mom who's texting dinner plans back and forth with her overweight, alcoholic husband."

Dan smiled, "You do a _really_ good job of remembering my rants." He complimented.

Pinkie also smiled, "Why, thank you."

Dan rubbed his chin and looked up towards the sheet that served as a ceiling, "What if…I shadowed you?"

"…Like a ninja?" Pinkie offered.

"Exactly, I'll just be a block or two behind, and I can step in incase you need my help."

Pinkie's face lit up, "Oh, you're the best Dan!" Pinkie leaned in and gave her roommate a big hug.

"…You haven't washed your face or changed your shirt since we got back, have you." Pinkie asked, already feeling some warmth return to her face.

"Not as such, no." Dan admitted.

*One pain filled shower, blow dry, and change of shirt later.*

Pinkie stood ready, decked out as she was when she first began her long excursion to the grocery store, save she was now wearing her pink and darker pink raglan (also, now sporting some small balloons for her cutie mark).

She opened the door and strolled out into the street with far more confidence than she had at her disposal earlier that day.

Dan followed, but kept his distance.

It wasn't before long that Pinkie broke into song once more.

"_Take care when you're walking down the streets"_

"_Because you never know who you just might meet"_

Dan noticed a shadowy figure slip out of an alley behind Pinkie, knife drawn, but for some reason swaying back and forth to the rhythm of Pinkie's song.

"_There's lots of muggers out here your stuff they want to keep"_

"_And they won't hesitate to give your face a beet"_

Dan increased his pace as it became apparent Pinkie was in danger.

"_Oh, you better watch out when you cross the road"_

"_'Cause there might be a driver talking on their cell phone"_

Dan got far enough to notice a car barreling down the street, and glanced at a driver happily chatting away into his phone, somehow _also swaying _to Pinkie's rhythm.

"_And even though the law will not condone "_

"_They may run you over and you'll die alone"_

Dan watched in amazement as the car plowed straight into the would-be mugger, who tumbled up over the car and hit the ground with a resounding thud. The car began to fishtail and lose control.

"_And that's what I came here to say,"_

"_That this city is really scary and hey, hey, heeeey..!"_

Dan cringed as the car flew past Pinkie, narrowly swerving around the pink haired girl who was now happily trotting to her destination as she sung at full volume.

"_Oh you better keep your eyes peeled~"_

"_'Cause the threats out here are very real~"_

Dan flinched as the Car finally stopped via collision with one of the many palm trees the lining the street. The hood caving in and the airbag deploying.

"_You might find yourself being robbed"_

"_Or you might end up- mauled by a dog"_

"_Buuuut if you wanna make it very far"_

"_And you wanna be a grocery buying star"_

"_And you don't know how to drive a car"_

"_You take a walk but don't forget where you are"_

"_'Cause now palm trees feel me with a sense of dread"_

On cue, the palm tree that just had a rendezvous with the car collapsed, crashing into a spiky, iron fence across the street.

"_But I can't let this place get to my head"_

Dan noted the startled yelp of a large Dog from the yard that now had the top of the palm tree crushing its fence.

"_And I wanna sleep nice and sound in my bed"_

"_So I better walk a few blocks and buy some bread"_

"_And that's what I came here to say,"_

"_That this city is really scary and hey, hey, heeeey!"_

"_Oh you better keep your eyes peeled"_

"_'Cause the threats out here are very real"_

"_You might find yourself being robbed"_

"_Or you might end up- mauled by a dog"_

Dan watched as the Doberman squeezed through the new opening and began growling then approaching pink haired girl.

Dan quickened his pace once more

"_I SAY, hey, hey, hey!"_

In one swift movement, Pinkie placed her hand on the palm tree and jumped, moving her legs sideways to clear the tree.

The large dog jumped after her, but struggled to get over the large, round tree.

Dan held his breath as he slowly approached, Pinkie was almost to the store…

"_You better keep your eyes peeled"_

"_The threats out here are very real"_

The Doberman cleared the tree.

"_You might find yourself being robbed"_

The Doberman got up to Pinkie just in time to have the grocery store door closed on its snout.

"_Or you might end up- mauled by a dog"_

It yelped, and pawed its nose, then began to pace in front of the door.

"_But if it's my advice you want to take"_

Dan was sprinted the rest of the way. Hoping to distract the dog.

"_Go to the store and buy a cake"_

Somehow Pinkie was still singing loud enough for him to hear, even through the walls of the store.

"_Then dump cayenne pepper all over the place"_

"Alright, jerk dog. _Let's dance_!" Dan said, not sure how he was going to beat up a large, vicious dog without weapons…

_Wait, what?_

The dog turned to face Dan with a growl, but the door to the store flung open.

"_And throw that sucker into a dogs face!"_

The dog turned just in time to see a rapidly approaching pink confectionary cover its vision in frosting, cake, and a bright red powder. It shook its head to remove the bulk of the mass, however frosting had plastered on a large amount of the spicy substance to the dogs face. The dog yelped, feverishly pawed at its nose, and scurried its way past fallen palm tree back into its yard.

Dan's jaw dropped.

"_So if you wanna make it very far"_

"_And you wanna be a grocery buying star"_

"_And you don't know how to drive a car"_

"_You take a walk but don't forget where you are!"_

There was a pause, and then clapping as Dan broke out in applause.

Pinkie swayed an arm to the side, and another over her chest, taking a bow.

Dan's clapping was interrupted by an explosion. The car that had crashed earlier suddenly deciding there simply wasn't enough fire in the world.

Dan and Pinkie surveyed the mini-scene of carnage that marked Pinkie's path from apartment to store; Mugger lying in the middle of the street, fiery car, palm tree that had fallen to the other side of the street, crushed fence, and finally, a dog desperately trying to lap up its entire water dish that would probably think twice before it lashed out against its pink haired foe.

"Does this happen _every _time you sing?" Dan asked, motioning down the street

"Well…usually ponies just join in with me…I don't really have to worry about being mugged or ran over in Ponyville, so most my songs spread joy and cheer." Pinkie responded.

"As opposed to the fire and destruction they spread over here?"

Pinkie shrugged, "Terrifying songs for a terrifying place, I guess."

"Anyhow, that was _amazing_. We should celebrate with dinner, my treat." Dan said with a smile.

Pinkie mirrored his smile, "I'd like that, but first…would you like to go grocery shopping with me?"

Dan shrugged and said, "Sure" maintaining his smile.

The two walked into the store, illuminated a flickering orange by the fire that had now spread to the palm tree. The door closed behind them, muffling the sound of fire truck sirens approaching.


	18. Chapter 16

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life Chapter 16 Pinkie Vs. Mr. Mumbles

Dan sighed as he looked over the mangled mouse in Pinkie's palms.

To her credit, she obviously wasn't squeamish about vermin or even dead, mangled ones. To her detriment, she was looking at him with sad, pleading eyes and quivering lips. A look he had begun to associate with him having to do some bizarre, asinine task if he wanted his roommate to be more than a sad, depressing heap for the foreseeable future.

"What is it, now?" Dan said in an exasperated tone, rolling his eyes.

"I…_sniff_…I opened the door…_sob_…and I found this…_whimper_…ma-ma-mouse…" Pinkie choked out.

"…_And_?" Dan said impatiently.

Pinkie's lip quivering intensified, "and…_sniff sniff_…_IT'S DEAD_! _WHOUAAAAAAAA!_" Pinkie turned into a fountain of tears.

Dan buried his face in his palm and slowly dragged the hand downward.

_Thanks, roomie. Couldn't have figured that one out without you._

"Well, I can't resurrect the dead! I mean…not without them becoming twisted versions of their former selves." Dan replied.

Dan shivered slightly as an unpleasant memory surfaced, "…I'm not sure they'll ever clean all the blood off the pet cemetery…."

Pinkie regained her composure enough to choke out, "We…_sniffle_…_WE NEED TO HAVE A FUNERAL_!" Pinkie began crying once more.

Dan threw his arms to the sides and looked to the sky in a "seriously?" pose.

_Yep, bizarre and asinine. _

He cupped a hand over Pinkies mouth and stared into her teary, blue eyes. "OK, I'm going to remove my hand. And when I do you're going to calmly explain to me _why _we're having a funeral for vermin." Dan raised the index finger on his other hand and pointed at Pinkie. "Now I want you to _focus _here, you'll be graded, and a bad score means you'll be sleeping in the car for one or more nights."

Pinkie stifled her sobs and tears somewhat.

"Understand?" Dan asked.

Pinkie solemnly nodded and Dan removed his hands.

"We…we need to have a funeral so the family can move on." Pinkie answered

Dan sighed, this sounded like another explanation about how animals in his world were pretty dumb compared to ones in Pinkie's…save Mr. Mumbles who understood English well enough to read…

"…Also, if the body isn't laid to rest properly, the mouse's spirit might seek revenge upon the living." Pinkie added.

Dan paused.

_OK, yeah, that's actually sort of a pretty good reason…_

Dan sighed, "Fine!"

Pinkie's expression brightened. "Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Yay!" Pinkie said, taking her roommate in a hard embrace.

In addition to his bones cracking, Dan felt something wet and viscous press against his back.

"Oops…" Pinkie muttered.

Still held tightly in Pinkie's embrace, Dan fixed her with a rage-full stare, his lips pulled up into a sneer. "Pinkie," Dan said through gritted teeth, his eye twitching "Did you just squish mouse guts against me?"

Pinkie pensively looked to the side, "Ummm….yes?" she admitted, meeting his angry glare with a nervous smile.

"… Do me a favor and find a box or bag or _**ANYTHING**_ to keep that thing in and then wash your hands. I'm going to go burn this shirt then take a shower…"

Pinkie nodded vigorously, "Sure thing, Dan."

Elise examined a tape measure carefully. "Alright Chris, that should do it." She clicked a button on the tape measure and the tape slid back with a snap.

Chris smiled standing up and looking over the chairs that had been strategically placed. "You think that'll do it for the weight bearing structures?"

Elise unfurled a blue and white set of blueprints, "With the couch and loveseat at the ends, yes."

Chris heard his phone ring. He pulled it out of his pocket and answered it with a, "Hey Dan."

"Chris, I need you and Elise to come over here."

"Yeah, we're kinda too busy for a venge…" Chris's eyes went wide as he fully processed what Dan asked. "Did you say me AND Elise?!"

"No, I said 'you and Elise', what _you _**should have **said was 'Elise and I'." Dan shouted into his phone angrily.

Elise rolled the blue prints up and looked up at her husband.

"Okay…well, why does your scheme include both of us?" Chris continued.

Dan sighed, "It's not a scheme. We need attendees."

"We?" Chris asked. "As in 'you and Pinkie'?"

Elise smiled, Pinkie's involvement usually meant something a bit tamer than Dan's average rampages. Even when Pinkie would get caught up in Dan's plans, she usually would make sure acts of violence were kept at a minimum…if substantially increasing the amount of property damage that occurred…

Dan sighed louder this time, "Yes, she and me."

Chris smiled smugly, "I think you mean, 'She and I', Dan."

"No one likes a grammar Nazi, Chris." Dan responded.

It was Chris's turn to sigh, it was pretty much impossible to win an argument against Dan. "Attendees for what? Pinkie throwing _another_ party?"

"Actually, she's throwing a funeral."

Chris looked concern, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Who died?"

Elise's expression also changed to one of concern.

Dan said something inaudible into the phone.

"What?"

"A mouse."

Chris paused, then started laughing, "Dan…_chuckle_…we're not attending a funeral for a mouse."

Elise, likewise, broke into laughter.

Dan put on a wicked smile and handed the phone to Pinkie Pie. "They seem…reluctant."

In an instant, Pinkie snatched the phone. "Oh Chris! You two _have_ to come! You just _have to!_"

"Pinkie? I…"

"Because if you two _don't_ come the mouse might not be at peace, and if _he's_ not at peace, then _his whole family_ might not be at peace!"

"I don't think…"

"And if _they're_ not at peace, they may become distraught with **grief**! And if _they_ become distraught with grief, they may commit_** mass suicide**_!"

"Mice don't…"

"And if we don't have funerals for _them_, then their extended family might become **distraught** and that means _**more mice suicides**_! And then there will be dozens, _hundreds_, _**thousands**_ of mice that need funerals and if _they_ don't get them they'll never be at peace, and all those mice who can't rest will rise up and then we'll have an **army** of zombie mice seeking revenge upon the living for ignoring them and then _we'll_ need funerals!"

Chris sighed, "Alright, we'll be there…A funeral reef? Uh-huh. Okay…Yes, we'll dress up. See you soon…" Chris terminated the call.

Elise was grinning from ear to ear, "He put Pinkie on the phone, didn't he?"

Chris looked up towards the ceiling with a frustrated grimace, hands balled into fists at the end of extended forearms. "You just can't say, 'no' to her!" Chris's face went serious for a second, "Her logic is impeccable!"

"Mouse funeral?" Elise said, trying to stifle more laughter.

Chris hung his head, "…yeah."

Elise put a hand on her husband's arm, "I'll get your suit…_hehe_…"

_Knock Knock_

Dan opened the door, "Chris! Elise! Come in, I only wish we could meet under better circumstances." Dan motioned for his guest to come in. He was wearing most of his Mr. Moneybags outfit, opting to leave out the mustachio and top hat for this somber occasion.

"We saw each other, yesterday, Dan." Elise said flatly.

Chris came in, dragging a large funeral reef in with him.

Elise followed, holding a bouquet of white lilies. She had opted to dress in her black dress and even went so far as to wear a black veil.

The small group stood in front of the still erect 'Fort Dan Pie.'

"Hey, Dan." Chris began. "I hope…"

Chris and Elise stopped and stared at Pinkie. She was holding a shoe-box that she had obviously decorated herself given all the colorful stickers, bedazzle jewels, and glitter pen messages of "We'll miss you!" with the 'i's dotted with hearts.

What was strange was that she was wearing jeans and one of Dan's black "JERK" t-shirts.

"I don't own anything black…" Pinkie explained.

Elise tried to stifle a laugh, and turned to Dan. Handing him a CD case, "Here. I thought this would be appropriate music for the deceased."

Dan looked down at the _deadmau5 _album, then looked up, lowering his eyelids slightly, "You bought this on the way here, didn't you?"

Elise lips pulled up into a smile desperately trying to hold back laughter, "Totally."

"Funeral music is no joke, Elise. You should respect the dead."

"Dan," Chris began, "You played 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead' at your grandma's funeral."

"Which old witch?" Pinkie asked.

"The _wicked_ witch!" Dan answered.

Elise couldn't take it anymore, she burst into fits of laughter, doubling up on herself.

Pinkie frowned, "Elise! This is serious."

Elise looked up, smile still plastered on her face, and put a hand on Pinkie's shoulder. "I'm sorry…they're…_hehe_…laughs of…_pffffft_…_sorrow_…bwahahahahahaha!"

"Oh." Pinkie responded. She attempted laughter but it came out as a flat, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha…"

"…"

"Yeah, that just feels _icky_ to me."

Dan put a hand on his roommate's shoulder, "Would you like us to say some words for the departed." He asked with a sympathetic look on his face.

Pinkie smiled warmly at him, "That would be very nice, Dan." Tears began to form behind her eyes, "Thank you." She squeaked out.

Dan nodded, "Elise? You're up."

Elise immediately ceased her laughing, "Me?! Why me?!"

Dan grinned a malevolent smile, "You're clearly the most grief stricken of us."

Pinkie nodded in agreement, "That was the most sorrow laughter I've ever _heard_!.. Also the only sorrow laughter I've ever heard."

Elise nervously looked from side to side, "Uh…Mousy was a good mouse…always running…great at avoiding carving knifes… he lived a nice, full life of eating cheese before it was cut short by…cut short by…"

"Mr. Mumbles eviscerated him and left him at our doorstep." Informed Dan.

"Yeah…that." Elise said, pointing an index finger into open air.

"How did you know his name was 'Mousy'?!" Pinkie asked, wide eyed.

"Just a hunch!" Elise said, nervously grinning.

"Alright, Chris. You're up." Dan said.

Chris put a fist up to his mouth and cleared his throat, "Friends and loved ones of the deceased, we are gathered here today not _only_ to say goodbye to our, dear, dear friend, but to come together and honor the memory of one who enriched our lives with their very prese…"

"_**LAAAAAAAAAAAME!**_" Dan interrupted.

"Dan! I worked very hard on that, and…"

Dan turned to Pinkie, "Would you like to say some words?"

"Hey!" Chris protested.

Pinkie nodded, "Mousy? I know you can hear me as your wrathful spirit is no doubt floating about. Plotting it's terrible vengeance on Dan's cat. But we want to remember you as the quiet, little mouse that you were. And although we know you desperately would like to remain on the mortal coil, Dan has informed me that he _totally_ knows the number of _The Real Ghostbusters_. And I've watched the documentaries…They've taken out a Sumerian god! So please accept this offering of flowers and be at peace."

Elise collapsed to the floor as hysterical laughter escaped her mouth.

Pinkie sighed. "It's OK Elise, we'll make it through this _together_." She said resolutely.

Pinkie looked at her roommate, "Dan?"

To Chris's surprise, Dan produced a worn Bible, and opened it up to a bookmarked page.

Elise stood up and quietly observed.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want." Dan began, in a dramatic tone.

"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters." Dan motioned with a flat, even palm.

"He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." Dan clutched a hand to his heart and looked up to the ceiling.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Dan shook a fist within inches of his determined looking face.

"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:"—Dan's fist shaking intensified—"thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over." Dan opened his fist as his head bowed slightly

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever." Dan closed his Bible and added a small "Amen" which Chris and Elise echoed.

Pinkie was crying, "That was…_sooo_ beautiful!" she said.

The four went silent.

"So ummm…What do we do with the box?" Chris asked.

Dan and Pinkie exchanged glances.

Pinkie's face flushed with embarrassment, "We uh….didn't think about that…" She admitted.

There was the sound of scratching at the door.

"Meow"

Dan opened the door to reveal Mr. Mumbles. A small, brown, dead, mangled bird sitting next to her.

Dan's, Chris's, Elise's faces went pale and they slowly turned to look at Pinkie.

Box still in hand, Pinkie slumped her shoulders and looked down.

Mr. Mumbles trotted over to her.

"Meow?" She turned on her back exposing her belly.

Pinkie slowly passed the colorful shoebox to Dan.

"I give up." Pinkie announced quietly, bending down to scratch Mr. Mumbles's belly.

"Whoa, really?" Dan asked, "Just like that?"

Pinkie nodded, "I'm afraid even _I _don't have the energy to hold a funeral for _every _animal Mr. Mumbles sends to the afterlife."

Pinkie continued scratching Mr. Mumbles, "She's just sooo cute! Oh whosa cutey kitty murder machine? Whosa cutie kitty murder machine? _Whosacutiekittymurdermachine? Oh yes you are, yes you are,"_—Pinkie shifted from cute baby noises to full on screaming.—"YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!"

"What about…" Chris motioned with his head to the dead bird.

Pinkie sighed, "Dan could you throw the bird in with the mouse?"

"Uhh…sure." Dan eyed the mangled bird pensively.

Elise rolled her eyes, grabbed the bird by a wing, and swiftly opened the box, placing the corpse inside, and closing the box after it.

Dan smiled, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust!" He said, opening the door to the apartment and walking outside.

"Where you taking it?" Pinkie asked.

"Dumpster!" Dan called back.

Elise and Chris turned to Pinkie.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Elise asked.

Pinkie glanced up, a side of her lip pulling up as well. "Eh," was all she had to offer. Pinkie looked back at her two friends with a smile. "Now who wants cake?"

Chris's eyes went wide. "You have cake?! Why didn't you say so in the first place?!"

Pinkie lightly scratched at her face with her index finger, "Sorry. Must have slipped my mind."

Pinkie opened the fridge to reveal the whole thing was filled with baked goods.

Chris dropped to his knees and slowly extended his palms out. Everything looked delicious. Even by non-Chris standards.

"Pinkie, where did all this come from?"

Pinkie rubbed the back of her head, "I've kinda been on a baking frenzy ever since I started grocery shopping…"

Pinkie grabbed a multi-layered chocolate cake and handed it to Chris who eyed it with glee.

"Dessert time?" Dan asked, walking towards the sink and washing his hands.

Pinkie strategically searched the fridge, pulling out a colorful cupcake and handing it to Dan. "Yeppers!" She replied.

Dan gleefully took it and dug in as Elise washed her hands.

"You think the bird will seek vengeance on us?" Pinkie asked, grabbing plates from a cupboard.

Dan shrugged, "doon worrry 'bout it." He said through a mouthful of cupcake.

The night was still. Like a predator in the darkness of a deep forest, quietly waiting for the perfect moment to strike unsuspecting prey.

Slowly, the lid to the dumpster began to rise. Beady red eyes flashed in the darkness. A tattered wing slinked out from the shadows, and raised the lid more.

Slowly, the eyes moved forward into the moonlight, a small, yellow beak broke through shadow, followed by the rest of the tattered face of the once living bird. Half of its face was simply black blood caked onto a skull.

"_Cheep, Cheep!" _It cried to the night.

It would not dwell in that box of dead, squashed mouse. Nor would this stinking land of garbage be its tomb.

It would have revenge.

It would feast on…

"_Cheeeeeeeeeeeeep!" _The undead bird uttered a startled cry as a liquid sprayed out and made contact, the substance causing its very body to smoke and fall away. It stumbled back into its refuse sarcophagus and fell dead...er as the liquid ate away at its body.

Dan moved the squirt gun towards his lips and blew on the barrel.

"Holy water, huh?" Pinkie asked.

Dan twirled the gun in his and holstered it in his jeans waistband in a swift movement. "Yep."

"Neeto!" Pinkie said, "Teach me?" She asked with a hopeful smile.

"Do you think you can bless salt in the name of the Father Almighty, recite a palms worth of scripture, exorcise creatures of water by invoking a prayer of Solomon, and buy bottled water despite the fact that tap water is perfectly safe to drink and is practically free?" Dan asked.

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. "I have no idea!" Pinkie said cheerfully.

The roommates turned and started walking back towards their apartment.

"Well, let's find out."


	19. Chapter 17

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life Chapter 17 Dan Vs. Friendship (is Magic)

Spoiler Alert: I start referencing events from the IDW comics at some point this chapter (the first 8 issues, that is).

Not sure if this is a big deal to anyone, but skip over the section marked _IDW_ if you want to read the comics and be surprised, still.

Pinkie sat cross legged on her side of Fort Dan Pie, decked out in her white, button up shirt; black vest; cut-off jean shorts; rainbow colored leg warmers; and a random assortment of bracelets.

She _still_ had been unable to turn on her computer or phone. The two devices sat in front of her. In her hands, she held her compact mirror.

Twilight had gathered her other friends; hoping she could finally coax a response from the devices, and also hoping the devices would reveal clues as to what happened on that fateful day when Pinkie Pie got sent to another world.

"Twilight, I'm not really sure this is a good idea…" Applejack said.

"Trust me!" Twilight insisted. "After examining the devices in _great_ detail…"

"_Too _great if you ask me…" Spike commented.

Twilight quickly fixed the baby dragon with a stare then continued, "…I realized what was missing was energy."

"Yeah, but…shootin' it at the mechanical-doohickeys?" Applejack countered with a cocked eyebrow. "None of that sounds right…or safe, even."

"I trust you, Twilight." Pinkie responded with a smile.

"Me too!" Rainbow Dash chimed in enthusiastically, "If _anyone _can figure this out, it's Princess Egghead." She added with a grin.

Rarity added her voice to those of the concerned, "Twilight, are you _really _sure this won't hurt the devices?"

Fluttershy said nothing and stood a bit back from the group, not comfortable with the idea of firing energy across dimensions.

"Well, I determined both devices have many similarities. And a big similarity between them is how they're powered. Both contain a plastic rectangular piece that takes up a sizable fraction of the devices total size and mass."

Pinkie's smile dropped and her eyes went wide, staring off into space.

_She's doing it again!_

"By examining these rectangular pieces, I determined that, _inside _the plastic, they're both an advanced type of battery that stores power which supplies all the devices myriad of functions! Both audio, visual, and even allowing the devices to receive inputs via different stimuli!"

_Why?!_

"Another commonality between the pieces, is both of them currently have _no_ energy. Cleary these devices can't function without energy! So by giving them a jolt directed towards the batteries,.."

_Make it stop!_

"…I think that should store enough energy that…energy that…"

Twilight had stopped talking.

_Finally!_

"Uh, Pinkie?" Rainbow Dash said, trying to get her friend's attention.

Pinkie looked back at the mirror and noticed her friends were no longer looking at her, but a space a few feet above her. She followed their eyes until she locked her own against Dan's.

Pinkie quickly closed the mirror and attempted to hide it behind her back. "_Hiiii_, Dan…" Pinkie said, nervously. "Didn't hear you come in…or lift the ceiling off the fort…"

Dan's eye's narrowed and he motioned to the item behind her back, "Is that how you talk to your pony friends back home?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…." Pinkie began, nervously looking from side to side.

_Think of something convincing to say…_

"…Yeah." Pinkie admitted.

_Dangit!_

Dan dramatically extended his hand, "_GIVE THEM TO ME!_" Dan demanded. "So that I may pass _**judgment**_ on them!"

Pinkie sighed heavily and handed over the closed compact mirror.

_Well, it was bound to happen eventually... still. It would have been nice for it to be…any situation but this._

_Poor Fluttershy…_

Dan opened the mirror and looked over his six victims.

His victims wearily eyed him back, not sure what to expect.

Dan wasted no time, "Too purple…"

Twilight furrowed her brow.

"Too kindergarten art project…"

"Hey!" Rainbow Dash protested.

"Too prissy…"

Rarity made a quiet "Humph!" and lifted her muzzle into the air in disapproval.

"A cowboy pony? Seriously?"

"Now listen here, partner!.." Applejack began.

Dan interrupted her "I don't even _know_ what the heck that's supposed to be!" Dan said pointing at Spike.

"Aw, man..." Spike said, hanging his head.

Dan spotted the quivering mass of yellow and pink, Fluttershy desperately trying to make herself as small as possible.

"Too…"

Fluttershy looked up, with big, scared eyes, fearing the worse.

"Too…" Dan locked eyes with her and his mouth hung open as his pupils went wide, "…perfect." He finished.

Fluttershy's look of terror slowly shifted to a soft smile.

Everypony else's offended look shifted towards surprise, Pinkie's as well.

"Well…Dan," Twilight began, "This has been…_interesting_…but if you'll excuse us we have science to do and…"

Dan looked at Pinkie. "Having trouble?" He said, motioning at the phone and computer.

"Twilight thinks if she fires energy at them, we can finally turn them on." Pinkie explained.

Dan looked back at the purple alicorn in surprise, "You're going to shoot _lightning_ at them?!"

"Well…just a little…" Twilight said sheepishly.

"You're not very bright, are you Twilight?" Dan said flatly.

Everypony/one else put on shocked expressions. Twilight had been called many things in her life, but having her intelligence called into question had never happened to her before.

Dan pointed at Pinkie's pink laptop bag and motioned with his head for his roommate to fetch it for him.

Pinkie wordlessly obeyed and held the bag up for him.

Dan held the mirror in one hand, and rummaged through the bag with the other; Pinkie continuing to hold the bag up for him. He pulled out a bunch of noise makers, balloons, and streamers. "_More_ party supplies?"

Pinkie managed a weak smile, "Those are my emergency party supplies."

Dan raised an eyebrow, "I thought those were in your pockets?"

"Those are my _backup_ emergency party supplies." Pinkie corrected.

Dan sighed and dug deeper, fishing out a few black cords attached to small rectangular objects with metal prongs sticking out.

He held the cords up for the ponies (and dragon) on the other side of the mirror to see, "Did you think about plugging them in?"

"Oops…" Pinkie muttered, "…I forgot about those…"

Twilight flushed with embarrassment and put on a nervous grin.

_Of course Dan would know how to use the devices! They're from his world!_

"Besides," Dan continued, "if you needed to give them power, why wouldn't you just take the batteries out first and just shot those?" Dan asked interrogatively.

Twilight smacked a hoof against her face.

Rainbow Dash snickered to herself.

Dan motioned for Pinkie to hand him the two devices.

Pinkie sat the bag down and obediently complied, taking the mirror as Dan handed it to her.

Dan replaced the roof of the fort and walked off.

"Sorry Twilight! I completely forgot those were in there." Pinkie said apologetically.

"It's okay Pinkie. It looks like it worked out anyways…Besides," Twilight said, still with an embarrassed smile, "This _is_ probably safer."

Dan crawled into the fort, holding the computer, a black cord attached to it. "Your phone is charging," he explained.

He handed the computer to Pinkie who handed him back the mirror.

Eagerly, Pinkie opened the laptop and pushed the on button.

"Hey Dan…" Twilight called out.

Dan looked down at the purple alicorn.

"Thank you."

Dan shrugged.

Pinkie made an excited _"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" _Then her face shifted to a more neutral look, "Oh a…password."

"A password?" Twilight asked, "Let us see."

Dan held a finger up and waved it back in forth, "Not now, purple horse. The _people_ are working." He said with a mischievous grin.

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh.

_How does Pinkie put up with this guy?_

Spike seemed to be on the same wavelength, "Can you _believe_ this guy?"

Pinkie looked at her screen, a pink cloud with brown rain falling down from it. Next to the picture read "ChAoS".

"Hmmm…" Pinkie thought for a minute and began typing.

"Ulg," Dan said, dragging his hand over half his face. "You type like you've only had fingers for a few weeks." Dan said irritably.

"I've only _had _fingers for a few weeks!" Pinkie countered with narrowed eyes.

"Oh…_right_. Here…", Dan sat down the mirror on the mattress.

"Hey!" Twilight said, the view on the mirror shifting from Dan to a random assortment of pillows.

Dan sat down next to Pinkie, "Whisper to me what you were _failing_ to type."

Pinkie whispered into Dan's ear and he slowly typed, "ChOcOlAtE rAiN". He hit enter and the computer's screen shifted to a picture of a couple of daisies against a blue background.

Dan picked up the mirror and faced it towards the screen, "See, 'Too purple'? The _people_ got it covered."

Twilight ignored the comment, simply happy for the progress. "Great, no let's try to find some clues!"

Pinkie stroked her chin, thinking about the picture and password, "Clues, eh…well…"

Dan placed a hand on his roommates face and pushed her out of the way. "Clues, _shmues_. Let's fire up the internet on this baby." Dan said grinning, putting down the mirror and rubbing his palms together.

"Oh! Good thinking Dan. I could never quite figure that out when I went to a world with humans." Twilight said excitedly.

"Uh…inter-nest?" Applejack asked.

"No, inter_net_. Humans have collected all their knowledge onto the internet and they use computers to access it. Maybe there's some information we can find there to help Pinkie." Twilight said with much enthusiasm.

"Oh, there's information, all right." Dan said, moving his finger on the touchpad and clicking a few things, "Hmmmm…"

Pinkie picked herself up and looked at the screen, "_Another_ password?"

Dan sighed, "Pinkie, you're _still_ going to end up a statistic here if I have to explain _every_ little thing to you!"

Pinkie's expression changed to a pout.

"Our landlord has the Wi-Fi password, wait here, I'll…"

Pinkie sat up resolutely, accidentally nudging Dan's makeshift coffee table that served as part of the fort wall on the way up. The two paused as the pillow walls around them vibrated slightly before settling.

Pinkie looked at Dan, determination having set root on her face. "No, Dan. _I'll_ get it!" Pinkie said, motioning to herself with her thumb, "You're right! If I can't figure any of this out on my own, I'll never get anywhere!" Pinkie's pupils dilated, then quickly retracted into pins, "And then I'll end up in Tijuana, naked in a bathtub of ice with a missing kidney!"

"Hey!" Twilight called out, "Just what have you been teaching her about your world, anyhow?!" She demanded.

Dan place a hand on his roommates shoulder, "Very good, my young Padawan, you're coming along nicely."

"Aren't I?" Pinkie said flashing a toothy smile. She quickly crawled out from under the fort.

Dam grinned evilly and picked up the mirror, once again looking over his victims.

The ponies looked back, expressions ranging from concerned, irritated, and one surprisingly hopeful.

"Oh dear…" Twilight uttered.

"…It's very interesting to examine another culture that developed in the absence of wide-spread magic." Said Twilight.

"Uh-huh." Dan replied in a bored tone.

"Not to mentioning a third of the population here flies. It's easy to see why humans would construct many of the devices they have! You've all have had so much to overcome!"

"Uh-huh."

"Humans can't control the weather, can they? It's simply remarkable that you've all become the dominate species on your planet. We ponies have many natural advantages! So much, in fact, that many of the species in Equestria depend on _us_ for their very survival!

"Uh-huh."

"Oh, but your technology is simply _amazing! _Even without magic, your species has constructed such marvels! Who would have thought that combining aluminum, silicon, iron, nickel, gold…"

"_NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!" _Dan yelled at the mirror.

"Wait, what?" Twilight asked, her train of thought thoroughly derailed.

"Hey, Twilight." Rainbow Dash called from the side. "Tag up!"

"Tag up?" Twilight responded in a confused tone.

"Yeah," Rainbow Dash said with a determined grin, holding a hoof out. "Let _me _handle this jerk! I've got a bone to pick with him!"

Dan chuckled, "Let her in the ring, Sparkler. I can use a good laugh." He said, clenching a fist to crack his knuckles.

Twilight skeptically looked back and forth between Dan and Rainbow Dash, then tapped the blue pegasus's hoof "I hope you know what you're doing…"

Rainbow Dash positioned herself in front of the mirror, "Alright, Dan! Let's make one thing perfectly clear! If you _hurt _Pinkie in anyway, we'll turn your world into a world of _hurt_!"

Dan stifled a yawn, "Nice one, though I think you're someone…"

"Pony!" Rainbow Dash corrected.

"…some_**one **_who would benefit from a thesaurus. Besides, it's not like you can do anything through that mirror." Dan added smugly.

"Twilight can fire _lightning_ through it." Dash responded smuglier.

Dan pondered this new thought, "Touché. Not that it matter, of course." Dan closed his eyes and motioned a hand towards himself, "I've been a perfect gentleman to the lady."

"Like the time you burned her photo album in front of her?" Dash countered.

Dan winced. He wasn't aware Pinkie had told her friends that much, but then again, they were her best friends…

"I made her a _new_ one!" He insisted.

Rainbow Dash smiled, Dan having walked right into her trap, "Yeah, I saw it. Did you practice at being that girly, or did it come naturally?"

Dan smirked, "Tough talk for a walking nursery school art project."

Rainbow Dash frowned and narrowed her eyes somewhat, "Hey! I'm the awesomest looking pony in Equestria, ask anypony!"

"Any pony between the ages of 3 and 11, you mean?" Dan said, his smile widening.

Rainbow Dash considered the average age of the members of her fan-club for a second… "Well I…That is…"

"Awww, come on, Skittles! You were doing so well!" Dan said, his smile continuing to widen.

Rainbow Dash's face contorted to one of anger and confusion, she wasn't sure what "Skittles" meant, but she Dan was certainly talking down to her at this point. "Why, I aughta…"

"Whatcha two talking about?" Pinkie asked, crawling back into the fort.

"I was just telling your friend that she's a real work of art." Dan answered, smile still plastered on his face.

A frustrated sounding "GHA!" escaped from Rainbow Dash.

"Awww," Pinkie began, "I told you he could be sweet!" She said to Rainbow Dash.

"Sweet is _not _the word I'd use!"

"OoH! How about lovable? Or adorable?! Charming? Delightful?.."

"See 'Art Project'? Thesaurus." Dan said, motioning towards Pinkie with his free hand.

"Aww, he even has a cute nick-name for you and everything!" Pinkie observed.

Rainbow Dash held her hoofs up in an expression of wanting to strangle some_**one**_ as she made angry gurgling sounds.

"Tag up, partner." Applejack called from the side, holding an orange hoof out.

Rainbow Dash sighed, hung her head, and gave Applejack's hoof a tap.

**_  
_Applejack stared intently into the abyss. The abyss, in this case, being Dan, who was indeed staring back.

…

…

The two continued their epic stare down.

…

…

Staring intensifies.

…

…

_**Staring intensifies. **_

…

…

_**STARING INTENSIFIES**_

…

…

_Blink_

"Ha!" Dan said triumphantly. "Five times in a row!"

Applejack scrunched her face to the side as she frowned, "Best six out of eleven."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware you were a sadomasochist." Dan responded.

"Sadomasowhatnow?"

"Well, you must be enjoying this savage beating I'm giving you, you keep on coming back for more!"

Applejack made a small "grrrrrr", sighed, and looked to her side. "Tag up."

"Me! Why me?" Rarity asked.

"'Cause it's your turn." Applejack said simply, using her head to push the white unicorn into view of the mirror.

"But, well, just _look_ at him! We have _nothing_ in common!"

"Well, they wear clothes over there." Applejack said. "Just talk about fashion or somethin'."

Rarity made a disgusted sound as she remembered Dan's ensemble was little more than jeans and a t-shirt.

"Yeah, prissy. Let's talk about how pointless it is to make clothes for horses." Dan said.

"Oh."

"_It…"_

"_**is…"**_

"_**ON!"**_

Pinkie looked up from the computer, "Come on guys, I'm _sure_ you two will get along if you just give each other a chance." Pinkie put on her best puppy-dog face and big smile, "_Pleeeeeease_?"

Dan and Rarity both sighed out an, "Alright…"

*But then…*

"I can't _believe _that black rag you wear passes as fashion." Said Rarity.

"At least it makes sense that we _wear_ clothes! You all have fur, _**and**_ can control the weather! How can" – Dan air quoted with his free hand — "'making clothes' even be a _real_ job over there?!" Demanded Dan.

Rarity turned her nose up. "_Well _someponies simply want to look nice. Why, a well-made suit, a dress, or a fashionable saddle can…"

"Whoa, _whoa_, **whoa**…whoa! You _hay brained _horses make saddles?! _Why_?!"

"Well, they're fashionable, of course!"

"No!" Dan said, holding up a resolute index finger, "I'm putting my foot down on this one! You put a saddle on something you're going to ride!.. You all don't…ride each other, do you?" Dan said with a raised eyebrow.

"What? No! Don't be absurd!"

"I ride them, sometimes…" Spike said from the side.

Rarity shushed him, "Spike, you're not helping."

"Oops, sorry." Spike replied.

*And then…*

"What did you say about my hair?!" Rarity demanded, her voice firing off into the highest of octaves.

Dan leveled a finger at Rarity. "So you're telling me, you _didn't_ get it stuck in an egg beater?"

"I most certainly _did not_! Hair _**this**_ magnificent takes time!"

"…Maybe it would go faster if you tired the egg beater…" Suggested Dan, shrugging slightly and glancing to the side.

Rarity glared at the mirror, with a red, puffy face. "At least _my _hair doesn't look like it was sabotaged by an irate barber!"

Dan frowned, "Hey! My hair _was_ sabotaged by an irate barber!"

"Oh…well…I guess it looks…_tolerable_, if you consider that."

"Dan," Pinkie interrupted, "You told me that happened _ages _ago."

Rarity chuckled to herself.

"Pinkie! You're not helping!" Dan said through clenched teeth.

"Oops, sorry." Pinkie replied, "…wait…_WHY_ am I helping you insult my friends?" Pinkie asked, raising en eyebrow.

"I'm not insulting her!" Dan insisted, "I'm offering constructive criticism on her horrible life choices and terrible hair." Dan informed.

"Hmmmm…quite." Rarity responded, "Just like if I explained to Dan that his teeth are a simply a _ghastly_ shade of yellow." Rarity said.

"Hey!" Dan said angrily.

"You _could _stand to brush more often." Pinkie offered. "…or at all…"

Dan furrowed his brow angrily, "Well…_Prissy's_ hair looks like she thinks springs are in fashion." Dan said, angrily motioning to the white unicorn in the mirror.

"Hmph!" Rarity said, sticking her muzzle up in disapproval for about the dozenth time that day.

"Rarity, you're hair and tail _does_ sort of look like purple springs." Pinkie said.

"Just whose side are you on, anyway?" Rarity demanded, her voice going shrill again.

Pinkie put on a "Who me?" expression as she pointed to herself, "Side! I'm not on anyone's side."

"Ha!" Dan said, "You said 'anyone!', you could have said, 'any_pony_'!"

"Yes, but she said '**not** on any_one's_ side'." Rarity disputed.

Pinkie buried her head in both palms.

_Trying to figure out this computer is frustrating enough, but these two are giving me a __**headache**__!_

"Tag up, please!"

Rarity followed the voice to a yellow pegasus holding out a hoof. Rarity eyed Fluttershy with concern, "Are you sure? You don't _have _to speak to this ruffian."

"Purple springed Prude!" Dan called out.

"Why you uncouth…_uncivilized…beast of a…"_

Fluttershy waved her hoof about, trying to regain Rarity's attention.

Rarity breathed a calming sigh, "Oh, very well." She tapped Fluttershy's hoof. "Don't let him get to you, Fluttershy!" Rarity whispered resolutely, "We're here to back you up if you need it." She added.

"Aaah, he just needs to be shown a little kindness, is all." Fluttershy insisted.

"More like a muzzle…" Rarity muttered, walking away.

"Hey Shutterfly." Dan said, his voice immediately mellowing out to a kinder tone.

Fluttershy nodded slightly, "Fluttershy." She corrected.

"Oh. Sorry." Dan said.

Pinkie looked back up.

_Did…_

_Did Dan just apologize?!_

_And MEAN it?!_

"What's wrong, Dan?" Fluttershy began. "Having trouble making friends?"

Dan pouted and looked to the side, "I don't need _any_ friends."

"Now, Dan," Fluttershy continued, "I'm sure if you gave everypony a chance, you'll have lots of new friends in no time."

"No!" Dan insisted, "I don't want to be their friends, they're all too bright looking, and weird!"

"Dan," Fluttershy said with a warm smile, "now you know you look pretty strange to them, as well…"

Dan looked down at himself and waved his free hand in front of his eyes, "Yeah, I guess…" He admitted quietly

"And Pinkie dresses in bright clothing, and you're _still_ her friend, right?" Fluttershy said hopefully.

Pinkie glanced up.

Dan met her blue eyes with his green. _"…Yeah, she's alright…" _Dan offered weakly.

Pinkie beamed.

"Ohmygosh!" Rainbow Dash said to her friends, "Are they actually getting along?!" She said in disbelief.

"It's gotta be a trap, y'all see!" Applejack said, her face displaying her suspicion.

"I don't know, girls." Twilight said, "Maybe Fluttershy has the right approach…she _did _singlehandedly reform a chaos god…mostly…"

"Hmph." Rarity interjected, "I give it five minutes before that barbarian is screaming at her."

*But then…*

"…I just think you need to open your heart more. Let more ponies…I mean, _people_ inside." Fluttershy said.

"Right, so _more_ people know my weaknesses!" Dan said, sullenly.

"Well, yes. Trusting people means letting them closer to you, but I think if you give _more_ people a chance, you'll find the rewards outweigh the risks." Fluttershy said kindly.

Dan looked back at Fluttershy concerned, "Are you ever afraid you trust some people…I mean, _ponies _too much?"

"…um…er…" Fluttershy nervously looked from side to side. "…well…_sometimes_." Fluttershy admitted softly.

"Do…do you want to talk about it?" Dan asked.

*And then…*

"I'm telling you, that's _exactly _how an abusive relationship works." Dan countered.

"Oh no!" Fluttershy insisted, "He's just a little rough around the edges. I know if I keep showing him kindness, he'll…"

"I don't want to hear it!" Dan asserted with wide eyes, "He's clearly taking advantage of your giving nature at this point! You need to put your foot down around this guy!" He said, pointing an assertive finger at Fluttershy,

"Oh no! I can't do that!" Fluttershy said, taken aback. "If he feels threatened, he hides and stops eating. He requires a delicate…"

"_**Delicate!?**_ Listen to yourself, these are all textbook strategies an abuser does to keep someone in a toxic relationship." Dan explained, "If you don't stand up for yourself, you're going to be trapped in an abusive and unfulfilling relationship with this guy _forever_!"

"Well erm…ummm…yeah…you're probably right…" Fluttershy said meekly. Something to the side quickly caught her eye. "What…but we…_sigh_…oh, alright…Bye Dan. I really enjoyed talking to you." Fluttershy said with a weak smile.

"Yeah, me too." Dan said, mirroring the smile.

Fluttershy walked off and was quickly replaced with a small, white bunny who glared at Dan. Angel lifted a paw and flicked it under his chin a few times in Dan's direction.

Dan shared a digit with the little bunny, "Right here, buddy." He responded.

"_ANGEL_! _I SAW THAT!_"

Angel looked to the side, and began frantically pointing at Dan.

"I don't _care _what he did!" Fluttershy angrily trotted back into view, and grabbed Angel's tail in her mouth, dragging him off to the side as Angel desperately tried to snatch at the stone floor. "I know a nauwghty little buwnny whose spending the nex few houwrs in his twawveling case." Fluttershy responded through teeth clenched around fur.

Angel began frantically squeaking, and even cried a bit.

"Fwine, don't eat. We'll jusf see how long that lasts…" Fluttershy dragged the bunny out of site.

The other four ponies walked into view.

Dan glared at them, "What?" He asked gruffly.

To Dan's surprise, the four began clapping their hoofs together.

Pinkie, likewise, clapped her hands with a smile.

"Uhh…thanks." Dan said, rubbing the back of his head.

Twilight smiled and looked to the side, "Spike? You're up."

"Do I _have_ too?" Spike wined.

"Spike, give him a chance." Twilight insisted.

Spike walked over with an "Oh, all right…"

The other four walked off again.

Dan looked over Spike quizzically, "So, are you some sort of lizard-person second class citizen?" He asked.

"I'll have you know that I'm a fire-breathing _dragon_!" Spike stated.

Dan perked up, "Fire breathing? Show me."

Spike narrowed his eyes, pointed his face upwards, and blew a sizeable stream of green flames into the air.

Dan paused, "…_THAT IS __**AWESOME**_!"

Spike looked back at Dan with a grin.

"Sorry…_Spike_, was it? I think we got off on the wrong foot…hoof."

"I have feet!" Spike declared.

"See! We're not so different. We both have feet…we both like fire."

Spike chuckled, "So…Dan! I hear you're taking care of our girl Pinkie over there."

"Yeah, she'd be pretty lost without me." Dan said, absentmindedly examining his free hand.

Pinkie shot Dan an irritated glance.

_Okay, that's true! But he doesn't have to be so…brutally honest about it!_

"Well, on behalf of Equestria, I just want to say just _how_ much we appreciate it."

Dan waved a dismissive hand, "Yeah, yeah…enough about stupid, colorful horse world. Tell me about _Spike_. It's gotta be great being able to set things on fire whenever you want."

"Heh, yeah it _is_ pretty great." Spike's expression went serious, "But sometimes I sent things on fire I don't mean to…"

"So do I!" Dan said, excitedly motioning to himself, "We're like…accidental arson bros."

"Accidental arson bros? I like it!" Spike made a fist and put it up to the mirror, "Put it there, bro!"

Dan smiled knowingly and touched his side with his index finger.

"Alright, tag up!" Twilight called out.

Spike turned to her with a, "Huh? But you said 'give him a chance', Twilight"

"Well _now _I'm saying 'tag up'!"

Spike sighed and lowered his head, "Alright…" He looked back up at Dan, "Catch you later, accidental arson bro!" He said, waving at the mirror.

Dan waved as Twilight walked back into view.

Twilight motioned to her eyes with a hoof, and sternly pointed the same hoof back at Dan.

"What! I was being friendly!" Dan insisted.

"Finding companionship in accidental fiery property damage is _not _what I had in mind!" Twilight sighed. "Who's next?"

"Uh…you are." Applejack informed.

"**Me!**" Twilight put on a distressed look, "But I already went!"

Applejack shrugged, "Well we're fresh outa ponies."

"I'm not a pony!" Spike reminded helpfully.

"Spike! I said, '_**No**_!'" Twilight reminded.

"Pinkie!" Twilight called out, "Please tell me you're done with the computer!"

Pinkie looked up, lower lip extended. She shook her head from side to side sadly.

Dan reached over towards the Laptop, "Maybe I can hel…"

Pinkie snatched the computer away and bit Dan's hand.

"_Yeouch_! Why you little _troglodyte! _I…"

"We would like a turn…" A regal voice said through the mirror.

Dan turned to see two tall alicorns approach the mirror, Rainbow Dash trailing just a bit behind.

Twilight's expression changed to equal amounts surprised and concerned, "Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, I'm not sure if this…"

Princess Celestia smiled down at the purple alicorn, "It's okay, Twilight. Rainbow Dash _informed_ me Dan was rather…_lively_." Celestia offered diplomatically.

"Lively!" Twilight exclaimed, "Maybe in the same sense as a giant explosion!"

"Awwww," Dan said. "You should have _started _with that, Sparkler! That was a nice compliment."

Twilight's eye's narrowed as she looked back at the mirror, "It wasn't intended as one."

"Well, sometimes those are the best compliments of all." Dan said informatively, raising his index finger.

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh and lowered her face into a hoof.

Celestia put a reassuring hoof on Twilight's shoulder.

Twilight looked up at the taller alicorn. "Alright, just be careful…"

Celestia smiled warmly, "Not to worry, Twilight."

Dan smiled wickedly.

"So, Dan, was it? I'm Princess Celestia. Thank you for taking care of one of my dear, dear subjects." Celestia said earnestly.

"Princess, eh? So I take it there's a Queen."

"Oh no." Celestia said with a smile, "Princess is the highest title in Equestria. 'Queen' is a title evil rulers tend to use around here."

"…What is this, a Disney film?" Dan asked.

Celestia continued to smile, "I'm afraid I don't understand that reference."

Dan waved his hand dismissively. "Forget it." He put back on a wicked, toothy grin. "So, I take it you're in charge by _divine_ virtue of being the tallest horse?"

Celestia chuckled, "Oh _my_, no. Size is not how we determine social stature in our world. But I'm guessing from you surroundings it is in yours." Celestia added mischievously.

Dan made a surprised "Ghk." He wasn't expecting Celestia to put up a fight.

"Alright, 'tallest horse', you got some teeth, I'll give you that."

"Why, thank you Dan! I've worked hard to keep them strong for well over 1,000 years."

"What are you, stupid? That's not…"

"You should really work on yours, if you don't mind me saying. You'll miss them when they're gone." Celestia said with a concerned tone.

Dan paused and tried to figure out if his dental hygiene was called into question, _again_, or if he had just been threatened.

Dan furrowed his brow, "Oh, you're _good_ princess…" He said, voice laced with venom.

"Thank you, Dan!"

Dan made a noise of frustration.

"Meow."

Dan looked over to Mr. Mumbles, her paw extended towards him.

Dan sighed and swatted the paw, lowering the mirror onto a pillow and scooting over.

Mr. Mumbles trotted over in front of the mirror. "Meow."

Celestia chuckled, "Oh my, no! It's quite real, I assure you."

"Meow."

"It shimmers with my magical…"

"Meow!"

"Heh. I assure you, it's _not_ a magic wig!"

"Meow, meow?"

Celestia's smile dropped "My subjects would treat me exactly the same if…"

"Meow, meow, merow, mew?"

Celestia frowned, "Well, I can't help how long we alicorns…"

"Meow, meow?"

Celestia made an offended gasp, "I give my _subjects_ all the freedom _they need, and…."_

"Merowww! _Hissss…_"

Celestia's eyes went wide as she processed what she had just said. "But I…no what I meant to say was…"

A dark blue alicorn walked into view, "Tag up, sister?"

Celestia joined the exasperated sigh club, and walked off.

"Mew?"

Luna blinked, "I um…I'm afraid I don't speak feline."

"She doesn't have anything pleasant to say, anyhow." Celestia called out.

"_Hisss!_"

"I _heard _that!" Celestia shouted.

"…but I would _never_ do anything to poor Fluttershy!" Dan swore. "I mean… I just met _you_, so the jury's still out on if I'd set _**you**_ on fire or not, but…Tell her I'm sorry for me, will ya'?" Dan said uncharacteristically repentative, especially since he was apologizing for his dream self.

Fluttershy poked her head back into view, "It's okay Dan, I forgive you." She said sweetly.

Dan smiled back at her as she disappeared from view once more.

"Well, I suppose it was unfair of me to treat you poorly for things a mere, flawed aspect of you did to me…"

"So, dreams, eh? That's pretty nifty…in a very 'Neil Gaiman' sort of way…"

"I do not know who that is." Luna admitted. "…Human names all sound so _exotic_."

"Pony names sound like a bunch of hippies created your world…or market execs trying to sell toys." Dan commented.

Luna bowed slightly, "Again, I am afraid I do not understand."

Dan sighed, "Forget it. So, Princess Goth…Can I call you Princess Goth?" Dan asked.

Luna frowned, "Apologies, once again, I don't…"

Dan interrupted, "A '**goth'** is someone who dresses in a lot of black; tends to obsess with the night, darkness, and _The Crow_. It's something you might see a middles or high school student get into if the only chance they have at making friends is with other weirdoes."

"Well, I suppose it's oddly fitting then, as I am the Princess of the Night and am apparently very popular with young children."

"You don't say…" Dan said flatly, not sure how he was going to elect an annoyed, offended, angry, or irritated response from the Princess, or even get the conversation somewhere interesting.

"Princess Luna has one of the best Holidays ever, _ever_, _**ever**_!" Pinkie informed, looking up from the Laptop screen. "Everyone dresses up in costumes and gets all the free candy they can eat!" She said with a huge grin.

"Wait, you get Halloween as a _celebration_ just to you?!" Dan asked, surprised.

"Erm…Yes…Though we ponies call it 'Nightmare Night'." Luna said.

Dan raised an eyebrow, "'Nightmare Night?' I thought dreams were your thing…"

Luna went uncomfortably silent.

"Yeah…" Pinkie began, "Luna sort of had a dark period where she shrouded the land in eternal night and Princess Celestia had to banish her to the moon for 1,000 years."

Dan tried to process what his roommate just said to him, "That's the sort of stuff that happens in pastel colored pony land?! I thought you all just pranced around hugging each other, went to get _facials_, and blabbed non-stop about how great friendship is…" Dan said in a disgusted tone.

"Well…we do that, too." Pinkie admitted, "But occasionally some dark force of evil will attack us and my friends and I will have to deal with it. Or some animal or swarm or giant beast will come by and completely destroy our village, and we'll have to defeat it or lure it away somehow…"

"That sounds…kinda...cool, actually. Wait…" Dan turned back to the mirror, "_**Tallest Horse **_banished you to the moon for **1,000 **years?! As in, an _**entire**_ _millennium_?!" Dan asked in a shocked tone.

_Mental Note: Buy…or steal Mr. Mumbles a kitty space suit. _

"She had no choice!" Luna insisted, "I had become possessed by my jealousy and forced unrelenting darkness upon the land."

"That still sounds pretty draconic for something she could have talked over with you…" Dan disputed.

"No Dan, she means _literally. _She _literally_ was possessed by a wicked spirit of Nightmares that made her do those nasty things." Pinkie contended.

Dan pondered this, "Oh well…that's different I suppose…how'd she get better, then?"

"My friends and I defeated Nightmare Moon with the power of our friendship."

"_**Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!**_"

"And by that, I mean our magical Elements of Harmony all worked together to blast her with magic and banish her from Princess Luna."

"Uh…" Dan said, unsure of how to respond.

_-IDW_

"Oooh! Ooh! She came back, though, and gave us all _wicked_ nightmares! She made it so in my dreams nopony thought I was funny! Can you believe it?"

"Well, actually…"

"And THEN she possessed Rarity. Who turned all black and evil and stuff! So, we all had to go to the moon and fight her and her evil _moon_ minions who turned out to be the indigenous moon creatures who were _also_ possessed by Nightmare's super-evilness! But then Nightmare Rarity and her minions attacked Ponyville so we had to go _back _there and defeat them again with the help of the Princesses and all of Ponyville."

"_Prissy _turned evil and attacked your village with dark minions?! And her, all your friends, and you have defeated evil monsters on numerous occasions?!" Dan asked having trouble imagining the same group he had traded barbs with before routinely found themselves in harm's way and saving each other and their friends.

"Yeah…pretty frequently, actually…" Pinkie commented.

"I once fought off cockatrices with a trident!" Spike called out from the side.

"Wow…I didn't realize you were all so…_metal_." Dan responded.

"We're not metal." Pinkie responded, "We're made of _meat_."

"Never mind. Why didn't you ever tell me any of this?!" Dan demanded

Pinkie Pie crawled into the fort, the glow from the TV washing Dan's body in a myriad of different colors as terrified screams emitted from the speakers.

"Zombie's eh?" Pinkie commented, "Hey, did I ever tell you about the times changelings invaded Ponyville and took…"

"Pinkie, I'm sure your frou-frou pony stories are very interesting from where you come from, but here, we have zombie movies…and occasionally _real_ zombies."

Pinkie sighed, "Never mind…"

** -_IDW_

"Hey Dan, Did I ever tell you about how my friends and I had to fight an ancient god of chaos and he…"

"Pinkie, can this wait? I'm in the middle of a delicate procedure, here." Dan said, not looking up from the house he was constructing out of waffles and toothpicks.

"Ulg…_FIIIIIINE_!"

"_HEY DAN, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME A MYSTERIOUS CRYSTAL EMPIRE APPEARED AND ME AND MY FRIENDS HAD TO DEFEND IT FROM AN EVIL SHADOW PRINCE…"_

"NO ONE CARES, PINKIE! No one!"

"_**GHAH**_!"

Pinkie's eye twitched a couple times, "Must have slipped my mind." Pinkie said with an irritated expression on her face.

"Well, Dan human, I'm afraid I must say farewell for now. I have royal duties to attend to." Luna said.

"Ah, like meeting with back-stabbing advisors or whiny vassals?" Dan suggested.

"Actually, my sister is in the final stages of lowering the sun, soon I must rise the moon."

"You two have to move heavenly bodies all on your own?!" Dan asked, feeling everything he knew about physics suddenly being put on trial.

"No one on your world has to move the sun or moon each day, or put the stars in the sky?"

Life in prison, no chance at bail. "What?! No! They do that on their own!"

"Hmph, how convenient that must be." Luna said walking off.

Dan went quiet, pondering on how he had certainly misjudged Pinkie's friends, her world…and Pinkie for that matter.

_Maybe I should let her talk to me about pony-land every once in a while…at least for a few minutes…_

Pinkie began thrusting at keyboard keys with rigid arms and fingers, uttering frustrated "_EEEH_!"s with every stab.

…_Then again, maybe not…_

"Twilight, I'm not sure this is such a great idea."

Dan turned back to the mirror, hearing the first masculine voice of the day.

"If _you _don't talk to him, then I'll have to talk to him, again!" Twilight pushed a reluctant looking orange pegasus with a blue mane in front of the mirror. "You're my guard, so _guard_ me." Twilight quickly ran off to the side.

"_But..._!" Flash Sentry began, looking at the mirror and suddenly realizing he was being stared at. "Uh…Hey?"

"Wait, there actually are male ponies?!" Dan asked, surprised.

Flash tried to figure out a response, "Well…uh…yeah. I mean…where did you think we get baby ponies from?"

"I just figured you all just spread like pink, girly mold on bread."

Flash chuckled.

"So, Mr. Guy Horse, why'd Sparkler toss you out into the ring?"

"Well…ummm…" Flashed blush slightly and trailed off

"Oooh! That's Twilight's boyfriend!" Pinkie informed, glancing up for a split second.

Flash chuckled nervously.

"Dating your employer, eh? Scandalous. I'd tell you off if I actually cared about your bizarre equine society."

Flash smiled, "Well Twilight sort of makes the rules, so it's not exactly like there's anyone to tell me off."

"Heh, sweet deal. Still, I'm surprised you can tolerate her."

"What do you mean?" Flash asked, a little perturbed at the unkind wording Dan had chosen.

"Well…you seem kinda…_not_ a giant nerd."

"Oh that." Flash smiled, "Actually, I think it's cute."

Pinkie uttered an "Awwww…"

Dan raised an eyebrow, "Really? How many encyclopedias does she own?"

Flash blinked a few times, "Like…volumes or full sets? Either way…I…uh…sort of fell asleep last time she was telling me…"

Pinkie and Dan doubled over in laughter.

Dan regained his composer enough to ask "Seriously, is she the Princess of the nerds over there?" in between giggles.

"Well, she _does _still live at a Library." Flash informed.

The volume of laughter coming from Dan and Pinkie increased.

"Tag up!" Twilight called out.

"Uh…Did I say something wrong?" Flash asked.

"NO! Everything is _FINE_. Just _**FINE**_!" Twilight insisted, putting a bit too much stress on just how fine things were. "I am _100%_, _absolutely_, _totally_ not _**mad**_ at you or anything!" Twilight said, her words conveying that she meant exactly what she said, but her tone, facial expression, and body language saying otherwise.

"Uh geez… I better go guys…" Flash said, trudging away.

"Good luck!" Pinkie called out.

"Call her 'Too Purple' it's her new favorite nick name." Dan suggested.

Flash chuckled, "_Riiiiiiight…_"

"…And then _I, _'The _Grrrreat_ and **Powerful** Trixie' said, 'Fear not, weak and feeble ponies of Ponyville! I _Trixie _will return this foul, and giant cosmic bear to the Everfree forest with my impressive, and _praiseworthy_, collection of great and powerful spells!"

"Now, this is important." Dan interjected, "How many electric guitars were playing as you battled the multi-story bear monster?"

"Oh…uh…_20! _All controlled by my _magic_ as I met the Ursa Major on a field of battle. Other ponies cowered in fear, even Twilight Sparkle…_especially_ Twilight Sparkle."

"Sweet." Dan said, the mirror emitting blue and purple light as Trixie illustrated each new detail with her magic, even adding the guitars and music. "You know…I can watch this for hours."

Trixie smiled, enjoying the attention and the complete lack of any of what she was saying being questioned.

"Trixie?! Who let you in here!?" Twilight called out.

"_Trixie_ goes where _Trixie_ wants!" Trixie shot back.

"Uh, sorry Twilight…I thought we were jus' lettin' random ponies in after you took off with Flash…" Applejack admitted.

"Flash isn't 'random'!" Twilight complained.

"Nor is 'The _Grrrreat_ and **Powerful** Trixie'!" Trixie protested.

"Trixie! Get out of _my _research area! Dan doesn't need to be corrupted, _further_, by the likes of you!" Twilight demanded.

"You going to let Princess Nerd push you around like that?" Dan asked.

"I most certainly am _NOT_!"

"Dan! Don't encourage her!" Twilight said, walking into view.

"And Twilight, are you going to let Trixie get away with calling your house 'a dorky book repository for a _geeky_ shut-in'?"

"_WHAT_?!" Twilight exclaimed.

"Hey, I didn't…" Trixie paused, glancing up to the ceiling and tapping her hoof against her chin, "Oh wait…I think I did say that during the prologue…"

"GRAAAAH!" Twilight launched herself at Trixie, using her wings to add a little momentum, tackling the light blue unicorn to the floor and knocking off her hat.

Trixie immediately fought back, smacking her hoofs against the purple princess and grabbing a mouthful of feathers from Twilight's wing.

The two wrestled and flailed against each other, trading insults.

"Oh why don't you just cast a spell to_OUCH_make this go away, _Princess?_" Trixie asked, adding an audible sneer at the word 'Princess'.

"At least _my_ spells aren't just useless_GHAH_, flashy, _nonsense_!"

"Nonsense! My Sp_**SMACK**_...splels entertain ponies all over Equestria." Trixie said, dizzily.

"With a little help from your lie's, of cour…_YEOWCH_!" Twilight said as Trixie sunk her teeth into Twilight's foreleg.

Pinkie looked up, frustration slowly becoming the default expression as the hours of trying to get the computer to cooperate dragged on. "Are Twilight and Trixie…_fighting_?!"

"Yeah…" Dan said, memorized by the tussle in front of him, "I could watch this for hours…"

Pinkie raised her pink crowbar as far above her head as the limited room in the fort would allow. She brought it down towards the computer, dwelling on how great it would be to be free of the wretched thing.

It was not to be. Dan snagged the crowbar just above Pinkie's grip and quickly wrested it from her, accidently smacking the back of the couch with it, the couch doubling as the back wall. The pillows and structure wobbled and the two occupants paused until the structure settled.

Dan chastised Pinkie with a wag of his finger.

Pinkie whimpered quietly and went back to the laptop.

"Oh my. Everything alright over there, my dear?" A sophisticated sounded male voice called out.

Pinkie merely grunted a reply, as frustration reemerged from every corner of her face.

"Buck up, young filly, you'll get it!" The voice assured.

Dan turned back to the mirror. A sophisticated white unicorn to match the voice was in view. Dan himself had changed into his Mr. Moneybags outfit complete with monocle, mustachio, and top hat; the monocle and mustachio complementing the monocle and mustache of the unicorn on the other side of the mirror.

"So Dan, you were telling about your ever expanding real estate business." Fancy Pants said to the dapper gentleman.

"Ah yes." Dan said, donning his old money voice. "Well, the green and blue properties of course always bring the big money; Boardwalk, Park place, etcetera…"

"Of course."

"However, recently I've decided to diversify my investments. You can't go putting all your eggs in one basket, you know? One flash fire, or thermonuclear explosion and it's all gone in a flash." Dan paused to sip tea out of a chipped glass that was sitting atop a small, chipped saucer.

"Ah yes, I remember when an associate of mine almost had his fortune ruined because of a Parasprite infestation. Lucky the old boy was well insured, but the downtime required to get his business back in order played havoc with his finances."

"Quite." Dan responded, "That's why I've thought it best to purchase properties off planet entirely." Dan said, sipping more tea.

"Off planet, you say?" Fancy Pants responded, monocle nearly popping off his face.

"Ah yes, Tatooine, Cloud City, Coruscant…"

Pinkie began sniggering to herself.

"We've even got hotels on Middle Earth."

Pinkie began to fail stifling her laughter.

"Good show, Dan!"

"Yes, soon we hope to build property on Uranus." Dan said, attempting to block his smile with his tea cup.

Pinkie rolled over on the mattress, laughing so hard that tears began to form at her eyes.

"The lady sure seems impressed." Fancy Pants commented.

Pinkie's eye twitched, and she gritted her teeth in a, rapid, split second movement.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Came derisive laughter from the mirror, it resting on a pillow.

"Discord, you really shouldn't laugh at other's frustration like that…" A soft voice said.

Dan joined the laughter with a "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Using one hand to point at Pinkie and the other to hold his side.

The soft voice became a little sterner "Dan! You should know better than to pick on Pinkie like that. She's trying the best she can!"

Pinkie erupted in a frustrated growl and pounced on Dan. Interrupting his laughter as she knocked him to the mattress, straddled his chest, and finding his neck with her slender hands. The entire fort shook with the impact on the mattress, but the occupants were a little too preoccupied to notice at this point.

"_Hack…cough…"_Dan uttered several choking sounds as he struggled to get Pinkie, or her hands, off of him.

Discord's derisive laughter changed to full belly laughing as he fell to the floor, rolling and laughing at the scene in front of me. "HAHAHAHhehehe…stop, _**stop**_! You're _**killing**_ me!" Discord said from the floor.

"Oh my!" Fluttershy said, "Tag up, Dan! _Tag up!_"

"Meow." Mr. Mumbles called a few feet away from the scene of violence.

Dan frantically stuck out his hand, Mr. Mumbles swatted and trotted into view of the mirror with a "Meow?"

Pinkie calmed down enough to move her weight off Dan, grab the laptop, and turned, facing away from the mirror.

Dan struggled to catch his breath and meekly crawled out of the fort.

Discord composed himself enough to look at the mangy cat in the mirror and sighed, "Show's over I guess." He wandered off.

Fluttershy followed him with her eyes, "Discord, you didn't…"

Before she could finish, a disembodied Eagle claw appeared and lifted one of her forehooves. A disembodied lion paw also appeared and gave her hoof a tap.

With a smile, Fluttershy returned her focus to the mirror.

"Meow."

"Awwww…who's a pretty kitty?" Fluttershy asked.

"Meow?"

"Of course it's you! You're sucha pretty kitty!

"Meow!" Mr. Mumbles rolled onto her back and began purring.

"Awwww…whosaprettykitty? _Whosaprettykitty?_" Fluttershy glanced up to the pink mop of hair in her mirror, "Pinkie! Mr. Mumbles requires belly rubs, please."

"Busy." Pinkie responded curtly, without looking back.

"Pinkie! I can't give Mr. Mumbles the belly rubs she requires through the mirror." Fluttershy replied, with a small frown.

"I SAID I WAS BUSY!" Pinkie snapped, turning to level an angry glare at the mirror.

Fluttershy gasped, "Too busy to scratch a fluffy kitty's belly? Pinkie, I'm not sure I even know who you are anymore…"

Pinkie paused and contemplated this. She began to tear up, "Oh my gosh! You're right, Fluttershy." Pinkie stared down at Mr. Mumbles, who was still on her back and gave her a quick, "Mew?"

"I'VE BECOME EVERYTHING I'VE EVER HATED!" Pinkie declared, collapsing into a fountain of tears, but still outstretching a hand to rub Mr. Mumbles's belly.

"Oh Pinkie, don't cry. It's okay…"

"_Sniff…No it's not! __**SOB**__…I'm stupid and I can't figure out ANYTHING! WHOUAAAAAAAAHOUAAAAAHOUAAAAAAAAA!" _Pinkieburied her face in her arm as the other continued to stroke Mr. Mumbles, desperately trying to grasp onto cat fur as if it was her very ponyity that she was holding onto.

The rest of Pinkie's friends gathered to the mirror with a concerned look on their faces.

Pinkie felt a warm hand on her shoulder, she glanced up to see Dan holding out a kitchen towel. "Tag up?" He asked softly.

Pinkie grabbed the towel, wiped her face with it, and blew her nose. Her eyes still puffy and her face still red, she whimpered a soft, "Uh-huh."

Dan held out his hand, and Pinkie gave it a swat. Still petting Mr. Mumbles, she scooted closer to the mirror.

Mr. Mumbles stood up, and swatted Pinkie's hand, trotting out of the fort.

Pinkie collected herself as she collected the mirror and brought it up to her face.

"So…ummm…what did you all think of Dan?"

Pinkie was bombarded with responses as all her friends spoke out at once.

"He's awful!"

"So uncool!"

"He's a lowdown, cheatin' snake!"

"Uncultured barbarian!"

"He's great."

"Totally rad!"

Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity all turned to face Fluttershy and Spike. In unison the four asked "_Really_?!"

"Yeah, he's awesome!" Spike responded.

"Yeah, he's great." Fluttershy repeated, softly.

Dan examined a slip of paper, trying to decipher Pinkie's girly scrawl; Pinkie obviously not have taken the same time to write the password down as she did when she wrote for her arts and crafts projects.

Dan squinted and scratched at the stubble on his cheek. "Pinkie," He called out, "usually when someone says 'three' when they're giving you a password, they mean the number '3'." Dan turned the piece of paper for Pinkie to see.

Pinkie snatched it and examined it, a smile quickly reclaiming the previously lost territory of her face. "Tag up!" She said, setting the mirror down and holding her hand out.

Dan smacked her hand and Pinkie was back in front of the computer in an instance.

Some excited typing and a hopeful, "Oooooooh!" later, Dan found Pinkie on top of him again. Thankfully, it was her arms and not her hands around his neck this time.

"_Hack…cough…"_

…Or maybe not.

Slowly, Pinkie released the death grip on her roommate's neck and sat up, she placed the mirror so her friends could view the computer screen.

"Finally, now we can finally begin our search for…Hey!" Twilight called out as Dan quickly typed something into the computer. "Dan, I don't think…_**IS THAT A CAT PLAYING THE BAGPIPES**_?!"

Everyone gathered closer to the mirror as "Scotland the Brave" played out of the computer to a video of a cat bouncing up and down on bagpipes.

Dan clicked a few items and suddenly another cat was added, blowing into the pipes.

"It's…it's more beautiful than I dared dream." Fluttershy commented with wide eyes and wide pupils.

"Yep." Dan said, "And there are thousands more where these two came from."

"Do they have dogs?" Applejack asked hopefully.

"Or Tortoises?" Rainbow Dash added.

"They have _every_ animal you can think of and even a whole bunch of ones you didn't know existed." Dan responded.

"ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh…" Dash responded, excitedly flapping her wings.

The group eagerly began shouting requests as Pinkie sat down next to her roommate with a content smile.

"Alright everpony, I raised the sun hours ago. You should all go get some sleep." Celestia called out maternally, walking into the room

There was a series of disappointed groans from the five ponies and baby dragon, as they sat-up, stretched and made their way to the exit.

Luna followed close behind and leaned in close to her sister, "Uh…thanks for lowering the moon for me, sister…I lost track of time…" She admitted embarrassed.

Celestia smiled warmly at her younger sister, "Not to worry, you should get some rest."

Luna smiled, nodded, and walked out.

Celestia turned to the mirror. "Now, I think you two should _also_ get some rest." She said, assuming Dan and Pinkie to be behind the mirror but in earshot. Suddenly, Celestia's eyes narrowed as Mr. Mumbles wandered into view, "Oh, it's you…what do you…" - With a "Meow", Mr. Mumbles tapped a few keys on the computer – "…_**IS THAT A CAT PLAYING THE BAGPIPES**_?!"


	20. Part 3 Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life Epilogue

"…And that's when Captain Jack Tatterson, armed with his Death Ray Gun, blasted all the _evil _Blorg into…"

"_NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!" _Twilight yelled at the mirror.

"Wait, what?" Dan asked, his train of thought thoroughly derailed.

Twilight sparkle closed her eyes and gave herself a proud smile

"Why you little…_purple_…uh…_sparkly_..."

Dan heard some rustling as a soft, warm body pressed against his back and a feminine hand with nails painted pink reached over his own body into view.

"Tag up." Pinkie said.

Dan spun his body on the mattress to face his roommate, his face mere inches from hers, "But she…"

"Dan," Pinkie began in a tired tone, leveling equally tired blue eyes at him, "We've been up for almost two days watching videos and talking to everyone in Canterlot and you've been picking on her non-stop." Pinkie gave Dan a small, pleading look, "Let her have this one, _pleeeease_."

Dan folded his arms and looked away, "_FIIIINE_!" He flicked Pinkie's hand.

Pinkie pressed against Dan slightly as she reached over to grab the mirror off its pillow perch. She laid back on her own pillow and held the mirror above her. "Goodnight, Twilight." Pinkie said with a yawn.

"Goodnight Pinkie." Twilight said with a smile, adding a "Goodnight Dan." with an eye roll.

"Night, Sparkler." Dan mumbled.

Pinkie smiled to herself and closed the compact mirror. She placed the mirror on the side of the bed, lightly tapping it against the crate that served as part of the fort wall.

The fort immediately collapsed in on itself, burying the occupants in blankets, cushions, and throw pillows to the sound of a startled cat.

"Pinkfie?" Dan called out, with a muffled voice.

"Yeah, Dan?"

"I thwink it's twime we put bwack the fwurnitwure…"

Pinkie sighed, "I know, Dan."

"Good…bwut furst please help pry Misster Mumble owff my fwace."

"Merrrow…"

End Part 3

Thanks for reading!


	21. Chapter 18

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate Chapter 18 Pinkie Vs. Mess

Dan uttered a few groggy grumbles as he slowly rose from bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, clad in nothing but his white with red stripes boxers. He glanced to the other side of the bed to find it empty. It took him a few seconds in his sleepy haze to remember he had the mattress (now reassembled into a bed) all to himself once more. The bed was pretty small by basically any metric, so having more than a few feet of space was certainly nice. Though, weeks of sharing the mattress with someone suddenly coming to an end left him with a vague sense of emptiness he had no desire to dwell on and even less to talk over with anyone. Especially not…

…

Dan peered through the open bedroom door into the living room, seeing a blanket neatly draped over the couch.

_Now where is…_

Dan had time to turn and little else as the bathroom door flew open and the pink blur of his roommate was on top of him and enveloping him in a crushing embrace.

_Definitely going to miss her not having a running start each morning/afternoon to do that…_

Pinkie released her embrace and held herself up, her pink pajama clad arms and legs now straddling her roommate. "Did you miss me?" She asked, fluttering her eyelashes.

"No!" Dan answered grumpily.

"Daaaaaaaan~," Pinkie cooed, "You know what happens to liars in this apartment," Pinkie fixed her roommate with a playful grin, "don't you?"

Dan met her playful grin with a glare, "Don't you _dare_!"

Pinkie's hand's curled and her finger tips found Dan's bare sides.

"No! Stop!" Dan pleaded.

"Mercy is for the weak, Dan." Pinkie said, adding some fake gruffness to her voice. Rapidly, but lightly, she began running her finger tips over Dan's sides.

"NO!.._hehe_…stop…_hahaha_…no!..not…_giggle_…there…" Dan feebly attempted to get Pinkie off of him or restrain her hands. He was at a distinct tactical disadvantage given she already had him pinned down and also had several inches on him to begin with.

"That's right!" Pinkie declared, grinning wickedly at her hapless victim, "Liars get tickle tortured!" Pinkie doubled down on the tickling intensity, reducing her roommate to little more than a frantic squirming mass of laughter and tears.

Through the unrelenting onslaught of frantic finger brushes, Dan found enough strength to raise his torso and leverage enough weight to push his roommate neatly to the side of the bed, roughly pushing _himself_ off the bed in the process.

Dan hit the floor with a resounding _thud_.

Pinkie cautiously poked her head over the side of the bed and put on a pained expression, "Sorry, Dan…" She offered.

Dan was up on his feet in an instance leveling an angry finger at his roommate, though angry snarls ended up filling in for a coherent sentence.

Pinkie scooted back a few inches and met Dan's rage-full look with a concerned and apologetic one.

Dan threw his hands up in frustration and trudged over to his giant pile of blue-jeans, pulling a pair up over his bare legs and boxers.

_She needs like a…sign…or signal or anything for when she's going to be all hyper, and bubbly, and __**touchy**__! _

…

_Which I guess is pretty much every day…_

Pinkie hesitated to say something given she was at least, temporarily, in Dan's bad books. The urge to improve her roommate's habits got the better of her. "Uh, Dan…shouldn't you…_you know_…_shower_ before getting dressed…and maybe swap out articles of clothing?" She asked with a big smile, fluttering her eyelashes a couple times.

"Why? I'm just going to get dirty again." Dan countered, hunting for a pair of socks on his floor that looked clean enough not to give him some sort of horrible foot fungus.

…Again.

"Well…" Pinkie began, "Maybe it's more for the people who have…_Imean __**get**_ to be around you?" She added hopefully.

"You mean all the people I hate?" Dan responded.

Pinkie frowned, hoping she was somehow except from that list that, in all likelihood, contained close to the entire planet's population and probably a few aliens Dan still had a bone to pick with.

Dan grabbed a wrinkled shirt off his dresser and put it on.

"Dan! Is that the same shirt you wore _yesterday_…and the day before that?"

"It's _fine_!" Dan insisted, stepping over to his roommate, "Here, _smell_."

Pinkie plugged her nose with her thumb and forefinger, "I did! From over _there_!" she responded nasally.

Dan made a frustrated grunt and took the shirt off, throwing it into a black pile of "JERK" shirts. He then fetched a shirt out of the _same _pile and put it on.

"Better?" He asked with an irritated expression.

Pinkie frowned slightly, "Don't you have any that are…_clean_?"

"What! It's clean!" Dan insisted, "Look, I know your sex hasn't evolved enough to get pass binary levels of sanitation, but we men have discovered there are many levels and degrees to cleanliness." Dan said holding an informative index finger up.

Pinkie's frown slowly crawled across her face, encouraging her eyes and brow to join it.

_I need to develop my Pinkie sense to warn me when Dan is going to be grumpy and irritable, or something…_

…

_Which I guess is pretty much every day…_

_Hmmm…Pinkie sense…_

Pinkie looked up as she heard the jingling of keys.

Dan placed his keys and wallet in his pockets and headed for the door to the apartment.

"Wait! Dan, where are you going?" Pinkie asked.

"Out." Dan said flatly.

"Oooh, can I…"- Dan quickly opened the door and left the apartment, slamming the door behind him - "…come?" Pinkie sighed.

_I guess having a funderful day with my favorite roommate in the whole-wide-world will just have to take a rain check._

_Ooh! "Funderful"…I'll have to write that one down…_

_Now, about that Pinkie sense…_

_That tingling sensation before the fort went all crashy last night…that must have been my tail twitching…_

Pinkie craned her neck and attempted to inspect her tailless rear.

_And my knees got pinchy when I first arrived on this world…though I guess I was too distracted with the new body to notice…_

Pinkie set aside attempting to ascertain the new signals her super-natural senses had shifted to in favor of surveying Dan's messy room. The floor was more dirty clothing than carpet at this point, and what was _under_ the layer of clothing could probably use a good washing as well.

_Hmmm…Well, if Dan is going to be out, I could probably take this opportunity to clean this place. I mean…I keep tripping over stuff on the way to my closet. Either static electricity is going to turn this mess sentient or I'm simply going to get stuck in a pit of it and die surrounded by Dan's dirty laundry. _

As amusing as the thought of having some sort of pet created out of clutter was, the horrifying and more likely thought of passing out from the stench of a soiled t-shirt mountain then ending up entombed in it filled Pinkie with a new found desire to clean Dan's room and the rest of the apartment.

Dan trudged up the stairs of _Casa Paradisio_, grumbling to himself.

"Okay, Burgerphile getting my order wrong, **again**, was bad enough, but seriously ..? It's a _crime_ to fill a Super-Soaker full of tabasco sauce and fire it at mouthy middle schoolers? It wasn't even the habanero! What kind of fascist, police-state is California turning into?"

Pinkie smiled as she finished frosting her chocolate cake. In between walking to the Laundromat and waiting for things to wash or dry, she had found time to do some baking. She even took the time to make a half a dozen lactose-free chocolate cupcakes for Dan.

Pinkie glanced at the cupcakes.

_Maybe those will cheer Dan up!_

Pinkie picked up her finished chocolate cake and brought it towards the fridge.

_Whoa!_

Pinkie paused as a series of sensations washed over her…

_Ear flop…or wiggle…they don't really flop, do they? Er…eye flutter, knee twitch…another ear wiggle? That doesn't…_

The apartment door flung open.

Pinkie's world quickly went brown followed shortly by black.

_Ahhh... "Watch out for opening doors." AND "You're about to need a bath."_

Dan paused.

_Huh, the door doesn't usually stop like that…or make a "splat" sound. _

Dan closed the door to reveal his roommate wearing a fashionable chocolate cake mask complete with metal platter.

The platter fell and clattered on the floor, followed by most of the cake which exploded as it impacted the ground.

"Seriously? All over the door, floor, _and_ my clothes? Nice one Pinkie."

Pinkie wiped away a thick layer of frosting and cake from her eyes and leveled piercing blue eyes set to 'kill' at Dan.

Dan wiped a finger full of frosting and cake from Pinkie's cheek and put it up towards his mouth...

…

"Does this have milk in it?"

"…Why don't you _try _it and find out for yourself?" Pinkie said irritably.

"_Ulch_, that's a 'yes'." Dan wiped the mass of cake on the nearby, previously spotless, fridge.

"Hey!" Pinkie protested.

Dan punted a mass of cake across the room. It sailing messily over the couch and splatting against the wall on the other side.

Pinkie's chocolate caked jaw dropped and her eye twitched.

A mental counter suddenly ratcheted up to _5_ in her brain.

"Wha…why?" She stammered out.

Dan leveled an accusatory finger at her. "You were going to let me poison myself!"

"_Well…_" Pinkie glanced to the side, the side of her mouth likewise following suite, "…Okay, but I would have felt bad about it afterwards." She assured. "Besides, you could have pointed that out _without_ messing up the living room."

"I'm not sure that I could." Dan disputed with closed eyes and folded arms.

Pinkie grumbled a few unpleasant things under hear breath and grabbed a kitchen towel to clean her face. She looked down at her white and red striped, chocolate covered shirt and pouted.

"Are _these _poisoned as well?" Dan said, pointing at the chocolate cupcakes.

Pinkie looked up from her chocolate stained shirt with an angry frown, considering lying to Dan as passive aggressive payback for his Danness.

Her conscious got the better of her, "…No."

Dan eyed her suspiciously, grabbed a cupcake, and took a bite. "Hmmm… this is _really_ good."

Pinkie took a few calming breaths, "…Glad you like them."

_SPLAT _

_7_

"_DAN!? WHAT THE TARTARUS?!" _Pinkie screamed shrilly, examining the cupcake Dan just threw at window.

"THAT'S for hesitating." Dan answered, picking up another cupcake and biting into it.

"Grrrrr…Dan, WAIT! At least take off your shoes! I just…scrubbed…the…carpets…" Pinkie buried her face in a palm as Dan tracked chocolate and dirt across the apartment.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?!" Dan demanded from the bedroom.

Pinkie sighed and walked into the bedroom. "I _cleaned_ it, _and_ your clothes."

"You _**RUINED**_ my system!"

"Your _system _was a pile of jeans, a pile of shirts, and socks and underwear strewn across the floor."

"MAYBE to the untrained, _female,_ eye! But I had _everything _carefully laid out in order from cleanest to dirtiest." Dan insisted angrily.

"Well, now _everything_ is clean, and in your dresser, so what's it matter?" Pinkie asked frustration having already taken up all the space on her face but finding more on the rest of her body.

Dan narrowed his eyes and lobbed the cupcake he was holding at the bedroom closet full of pink, blue, and yellow clothes.

_14_

"_GHAAAAA__**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**__!"_

"You really need to work on that temper or yours." Dan said, taking off his chocolate splattered shirt and jeans and unceremoniously dropping both to the floor.

Pinkie took several short, shallow breaths as Dan fished out a clean top and jeans out of his dresser. Dan quickly got dressed, including his still chocolate covered shoes, and made his way back towards the living room.

_16_

"Dan, couldn't you _at least_ have put those on in the kitchen."

"What? And get _chocolate_ on them?"

Rage, confusion, and coherence struggled for control of Pinkie's vocal cords. "I…I…_just_…but…_you_…" Coherence was whisked away to the emergency room in critical condition.

Dan grabbed the rest of the cupcakes. "Well, I think I'll head out again. I've still got about a pint or more of hot sauce in my Super Soaker, and I need to figure out what to do with it. And besides," Dan motioned to the chocolate sprayed and splattered apartment, "Looks like you have some cleaning to do."

Pinkie face contorted as anger pulled it in several directions at once. Her mouth hung open angrily, but Pinkie was having trouble vocalizing anything at this point.

"Toodles!" Dan said cheerfully, waving as he closed the door behind him.

Pinkie stood in place for a few seconds, her face still twisted in fury. With a heavy sigh, Pinkie hung her head and slouched her shoulders. She looked up to survey the damage.

_The main mess is in the kitchen, of course_. _Dan's kick has left a trail over the couch, meaning both it _**and**_ my blankets need to be cleaned if I don't want to sleep in chocolate tonight…_

…_Wait, that actually sounds kinda awesome…_

Pinkie smacked her forehead a few times.

…_NO, NO, NO! You're trying to clean the apartment, not make it worse…_

Pinkie sighed.

_Cupcake on the window._

Pinkie sighed deeper.

_Cupcake in __**my**__ closet…_

_Chocolate on the shirt and jean-shorts I'm STILL wearing…Maybe I should call Elise up and see if she can take me clothes shopping, later. I'm not sure if Dan can survive 16 stab wounds…_

The door flew open again, a chocolate cupcake sailing through it and hitting the landline telephone.

"And _**THAT'S**_ just to keep you on your toes!" Dan announced, quickly closing the door behind him.

_20_

"_**GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

Pinkie looked over her freshly frosted chocolate cake and smiled. Alternating cleaning and baking was tiring and she nearly dumped a cup of carpet cleaner into the batter at one point, but it felt good to have the place clean again and to _finally _get to have some cake. She took the slightly chocolate covered apron off and placed it neatly on the counter, her pink dress with blue and yellow balloons having escaped baking and Dan unscathed.

Pinkie felt a series of tingles, wiggles, and flutters.

_Ear wiggle, eye flutter, knee twitch…twitchy…rear? _

Pinkie backed up just into as the door swung open, narrowly missing her.

"Dan! Welcome back! _Please _don't throw anymore cupcakes!" Pinkie pleaded, cupping her hands under her chin.

Dan shrugged, "Ate 'em." He closed the door behind him and surveyed the apartment. "Heeeeeey! Looking good! You've really outdone yourself."

Pinkie smiled, "Thanks! It took a lot of scrubbing but…"

"You didn't, by chance, make more of those lactose-free chocolate cupcakes?"

"No, but the fridge is full of…"

_SPLAT_

_Forgot about the twitchy…hindquarters?_

_27_

"OH, COME ON!" Pinkie screamed, her chocolate cake now getting rather intimate with her socks and the floor beneath them.

"And THAT'S for only _selfishly_ thinking about yourself!" Dan said, grabbing a kitchen towel to wipe the chocolate off his hand.

Pinkie's face turned red, and Dan was _sure _he heard a kettle start to boil…

Pinkie mustered the last of her will to calmly ask, "Dan, can you please go outside for a minute?"

"Fiiiine." Dan said, "Left something in the car, anyways…" Dan returned outside.

Pinkie quickly removed her socks and toweled off her feet. She fetched her pink laptop bag. Setting it down on the counter, she pulled her smart phone out of it and pressed the screen a few times.

"Hey, Pinkie." A feminine voice answered.

"Hi, Elise!" Pinkie said excitedly, "So _ummm_…I know it's a little late but…_errrr_…could you maybe…swing by…"

"What he do?" Elise asked flatly.

Pinkie sighed, "That obvious, huh?"

"Well, you _are_ living with Dan." Elise responded.

"…Yeah…Okay, he sort of got chocolate everywhere…including my clothes…like…almost all of them…also he destroyed a cake…_two _if we count accidents."

Elise whistled into the phone then asked "What's he up to?"

Pinkie sighed again, "27."

"Ouch…does he know?"

"No…I kinda hoped I could get through the night without threatening him with bodily harm and likely death."

Elise chuckled, "Alright, tell you what. I'll be right over. We'll go shopping, grab some dinner, and even catch a movie. How's that sound?"

"That sounds like a splendiferous evening of awesome fun times! _Way_ better than spending it in jail or figuring out how to dispose of a body."

There was a pause on the other line "…You _KNOW _I just happen to have a body bag or two out back and a number of cleanup kits specifically designed for…"

"So! See you soon?" Pinkie interrupted with a worried smile on her face.

"Sure Pinkie! I'll be right over."

"Great! Bye-Bye, Elsie!"

"Bye."

Pinkie paused as she felt her ears wiggle.

_Oh no…_

Dan kicked the door open and leveled a Super Soaker directly at Pinkie, shooting her between the eyes with a red stream of hot sauce.

"Now, be honest with me. Does that seem hot enough to be labeled 'felony worthy'?" Dan asked.

Pinkie wiped away tabasco sauce from her eyes and leveled piercing blue eyes set to 'disintegrate' at Dan.

"WELL?!" Dan asked impatiently.

"_37._" Pinkie said simply.

Dan's expression shifted from impatience to surprise to fear. When Pinkie utters a number it usually meant only one thing…

Dan gulped, "That bad?" He was never quite sure if Pinkie would _really _inflict multiple stab-wounds on his personage, but by the time she suggested it as an option she was usually managing faces of rage that made Dan's best rage faces look like he was just asked to kitten sit in comparison.

"Let's see…I've cleaned the apartment _TWICE_, not to mention all your clothes! I even made you cupcakes! And _**you**__ squashed _a cake on me without so much as an apology, destroyed another one out of spite, threw cupcakes…ONE AT MY CLOSET, _**and**_ you just drenched _**me**_ and one of the few non-chocolate covered articles of clothing I had left with hot sauce…" Pinkie licked the hot sauce from around her lips, "…Yeah, this is pretty mild. I'm not sure what the fuss is about."

"That's what I sa…"

"DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!" Pinkie roared.

Dan refocused his attention on Pinkie and went quiet.

"NOW! Elise will be here any minute to take me out. Possibly _with_ a body bag and some sort of international spy, murder clean up kit. I'm going to shower, and change into what's probably my LAST set of clean clothes and go out with her." Pinkie leveled an index finger at Dan. "You are going to clean up this cake, _take a shower, change into something clean, brush your teeth, _and make me a NEW cake by the time I get back…_OR ELSE_." To make her point, Pinkie grabbed the chief's knife from her bag, unsheathed it_, _and tossed it on the countertop in one swift movement. The knife tip stuck in the counter and swung back and forth like a metronome, if a metronome was sharp and could be used to stab your roommate 37 times.

"_SAVVY_?!" Pinkie screeched.

"Uh…savvy…" Dan responded. He tentatively raised an index finger, "Just one thing…I'm not sure I can bake…"

Pinkie shoved an open recipe book in front of Dan's face.

Dan used his finger to slowly lower the book enough to meet his roommate's death glare… "Er…this has milk, how am I…"

"_FIGURE IT OUT!" _Pinkie angrily dropped the open book on the counter, grabbed her knife, sheathed it, returned it to the bag, stormed off towards the bedroom, picked out some jeans, white button up shirt and vest from the closet, taking care to hold them away from any hot sauce, walked out the bedroom into the bathroom, and slammed the door after her.

Dan quickly grabbed his smartphone out of his pocket and pushed the screen a couple times.

"Dan!" Elise answered cheerfully, "Did you mean to dial Chris or the hospital?"

"Ha_ha_", Dan said sarcastically, "Have you left yet?"

"I was just about to walk out the door." Elise responded.

"Great, bring Chris and leave him here with me when you come to pick up Pinkie."

"Ooooooh, _well_…that depends. Is this vengeance related, or 'I don't want to be stabbed 27 times' related." Elise asked.

"The later…and I'm up to 37."

"Wow! That's a record! And you got 10 more in the two minutes it was since I got off the phone with Pinkie. That's got to be some sort of speed record."

"Can I _have_ Chris, or do I need to take him?" Dan asked.

"Alright Dan. I'll get him. But I want you to know I'm only doing this for Pinkie…specifically because I find her objectively terrifying when she's this angry."

"I know, right? It's like under all the cotton candy and rainbows there beats the heart of a psychotic serial killer."

"Well Dan, you _do_ tend to bring out the worse in people."

Dan went silent.

"Dan?" Elise asked with a touch of concern.

"Nothing. _Bring_ Chris…and please leave the body bag and clean-up kits at home."

"'Yes', and 'I'll strongly consider it.' respectively." Elise responded.

"…Good enough." Dan terminated the call.

Dan sighed looking at the open recipe book and hoped that despite his lactose-intolerance and Chris's complete incompetence at everything that the two of them could make one decent baker.


	22. Chapter 19

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate Chapter 19 Dan Vs. Hygiene

Dan stared down at the mess of a cake now splattered in the kitchen…or the area of the small apartment that served as a kitchen.

_I can probably get Chris to take care of this when he gets here._

Dan's ears perked up as he heard…singing? Pinkie was apparently singing in the shower.

_Maybe that's all she needed?_

Dan put his ear up to the bathroom door and listened in, hopeful that his roommate was singing about rainbows, sunshine, and candy like normal.

"La la la la la…something, something 37… Hrrmmm….what rhymes with 'seven'? OH! Heaven! Good one…"

Dan swallowed and glanced over to the cake on the ground, the idea of leaving it until Pinkie got out suddenly terrifying. He opened the cabinet under the kitchen sink and donned some yellow rubber gloves while grabbing carpet cleaner, some rags, and a brush.

Soon the cake and the mess it left was little more than a memory occupying the garbage.

Dan heard the sound of a hair dryer. Deciding to risk another listen at the bathroom door, he sneaked over and placed an ear against it once again.

"Tra la la la…something…stab wounds…Shoot. What rhymes with wounds?..

"…"

"…H_ou_nds? Does that work? Can I pronounce words funny for the sake of rhyme?"

"…"

"Do I need to get a killer dog, now, for this song to work?"

Dan opted to sit in his easy chair and stare into space to reduce risk of him messing up his apartment accidently.

Before long, there was a knock on the door.

Dan got up to answer it.

"Dan! You're still alive and conscious and unstabbed and everything! Awesome!" Chris beamed.

Elise sighed, "Yeah…_awesome_…"

Dan rolled his eyes, "Don't hurt yourselves getting happy over it or anything…"

"I'M happy." Chris insisted. He gave his wife a sly look, "Twenty dollars happy."

Elise sighed, fished her wallet out of her purse, grabbed a twenty dollar bill out of that, and handed the bill to Chris.

"Did you two _**BET**_ on if she would kill me before you got here?!" Dan asked, flabbergasted.

"No! Maimed!" Chris asserted, "Elise told me you probably wouldn't die of blood loss or organ failure by the time we arrived."

Dan glared at Elise, "Thanks Elise, you're a peach. Rotten to the core, that is"

Elise grinned, getting under Dan's skin suddenly being worth the money she had just handed over to her husband.

"And _**YOU!**_" Dan said, leveling one of his patented accusatory fingers at Chris. "How _**DARE**_ you profit over my potential mutilation!"

"_Hey_!" Chris protested, "I was betting _**against **_your mutilation!"

"Oh…right. _**YOU!**_" Dan wheeled around to point at Elise, "How _**DARE**_ you _attempt_ to profit over my potential mutilation!"

Elise continued to smile, and shrugged while lifting her palms and forearms up slightly, "What can I say Dan, you bring out the worse in people."

Dan's expression shifted and his spitting, frothing, surface rage shifted to a quieter, bubbling under the surface anger.

Elise's expression shifted too, and her smile dropped as she realized she may have struck a little below the belt on that last one.

Chris's eyes darted back and forth between his wife and Dan as he realized their normal barb tradeoff had seemingly descended into something a bit more awkward and personal. Chris cleared his throat, "Now, Dan. It's only fair given you try to bet with me every time Elise goes out on a dangerous mission."

The tactic seemed to work, Dan snapped right back to his angry, irate self of a few moments ago. "_Aaaaand_ you'd have made a pretty penny off of me if you could ever stop _crying_ long enough to settle on an amount. I mean, she's still _**here**_ aint she?"

Chris went pale, "You know…let's _not _talk about…"

Elise's expression shifted to a smug grin as she looped an arm around her husband's own arm and laid a palm on it, "Heh. You should take him up on his bet Chris. I'm the top agent in my field. It'll be a warm day in Siberia before someone takes me out."

Dan winced, "You _know _how I feel about Siberia! Do it again and I will _cut_ you!"

"Hey guys..?" Chris said, trying to keep things from getting worse.

He failed.

"With what?" Elise said, her smile widening and tone getting more condescending. "You got a steak knife you're going to come at me with?" Elise fluttered her eyelids at Dan, "You _know _I'm a master at the ninjatō."

Dan's face turned red as he closed the distance between him and Elise.

Elise released her arms and began to advance on Dan.

The two very quickly found Chris blocking their path to each other. "Hey guys? Let's maybe _not_ fight and threaten to stab someone."

"I want to stab someone."

The trio winced and turned to face Pinkie who was wearing her button-up, white shirt, vest, jeans, and a few bracelets along with her default happy-go-lucky smile. Pinkie had obviously moved onto phase two of her "so angry at Dan, I could just _stab _him repeatedly with a chef's knife" mood; the casually mentioning of inflicting violence without as much as an expression change. It was something even Elise found unsettling.

Pinkie bounded over to the group as Dan took a few big steps back.

"Hey Chris!" Pinkie said, giving the big man a big hug.

"Uh…hey, Pinkie!" Chris said, still a little anxious.

Pinkie grabbed her bag and looped an arm around Elise's, "Ready to go?"

Elise pushed past her own unease and smiled, "Sure, Pinkie!"

"Great! We're off for super-_dee_-duper fun times!" Pinkie announced throwing an excited fist into the air.

The two walked through the door, out into the warm California night.

Dan breathed a sigh of relief.

In a pink flash, Pinkie popped back into view, poking her head through the door. She leveled narrow eyes at Dan and quickly pointed at him then the bathroom she had just exited. Slowly, she pulled the finger back towards her and lifted her head up, making a slicing motion over her own neck.

Dan gulped and nodded his head.

Pinkie turned to Chris and gave him a smile and a finger wagging wave then darted out of view.

Chris whistled. "37, huh? That's pretty impressive considering the apartment seems to be immaculate instead of suffering from a number of jetpack prototype related scorch marks and holes. I keep forgetting this place is actually _blue _under all the grime."

"Pinkie worked pretty hard to clean up, today…" Dan explained, "Also, this will be a lot harder to get out of than the day of _18 _stabs since I can't just let her help me with the jetpack…"

"I thought 18 was the day you used all her baked goods to assault the gluten sensitivity group."

"No, that was 25." Dan corrected. "She was pretty mad when she found out 'gluten intolerance' _**didn't**_ mean 'people who were prejudiced against glutens'." Dan glanced to the side and added. "…stupid internet." He continued, "She _forced _me to help her make a bunch of gluten-free baked goods to get out of that one…"

"Oh, right…" Chris said. "So what's she making you do to get out of this one? Must be something pretty major."

Dan motioned to the recipe book, "She's making me bake the chocolate cake I destroyed."

Chris paused. "…Dan…" Chris began to tear up, "…Destroying food is definitely a stab worthy crime…but…" Chris began to get choked up with emotion, "…I've never been…_sniff_…never been so happy to be your friend in my LIFE!" Chris broke into tears of joy.

"…She's also making me take a shower and brush my teeth."

Chris wiped away his tears and put on a grin, "Heavens! You'll lose at least an inch once the layer of filth is cleaned off."

Dan glared at Chris and placed a well-aimed kick into his larger friend's shin.

"Ow!" Chris exclaimed, hopping on one foot as he lifted the assaulted appendage.

"This is serious! She'll probably expect me to use soap…and wash my hair…" Dan thought for a moment... "A HA!" He declared triumphantly. "She just said 'shower', she didn't specify I had to do all that other frou-frou nonsense! Maybe I can just rinse off and finish up with some wet-naps…"

"…Are you sure?" Chris asked with a raised eyebrow.

"…Well…" Dan trailed off.

"37 times sure?" Chris added.

Dan sighed and hung his head, "…but all we have is Pinkie's girly nonsense stuff." His lip quivered slightly. "I'm going to smell like some sort of fanciful meadow from the French Alps." He placed a fist in front of his mouth and puffed his cheeks. "How am I supposed to bake if I'm throwing up every few minutes?"

"Do you still have Elise's passive aggressive birthday surprise?" Chris asked.

Dan lowered his eyelids slightly, "Yeah. I pull out the box whenever I want to remind myself how much I hate your wife."

Chris sighed, "You know Elise has a scrapbook where she catalogues all the photos Pinkie has taken of you getting injured or covered in something unpleasant…she's began adding notes of all the time's Pinkie has threatened to stab you, too." Chris pulled his arms in tight to his chest and held himself as he trembled slightly, "She pulls it out in the middle of the night when she thinks I'm asleep and giggles to herself…it's really weird."

Dan's expression softened and his pupils dilated, "Elise has a misery scrapbook of me? Awww, that's really terrible…" He said with warmth in his voice.

"I _really_ wish you two didn't have a relationship built out of mutual dislike." Chris responded.

"Loathing." Dan countered, "You make this sound like it's some sort of middle-school…_aversion_ fling. Elise and I are _adults _and we conduct ourselves as such"

Chris's eyes went wide, "Wow umm…I'm not sure I've _EVER _been this uncomfortable in my life…can you go get that box now?"

Dan sighed, "FINE!" He trudged off to his bedroom, and grabbed a brown box from under his bed, the words 'Elise's Passive Aggressive Birthday Surprise' were written in it in intricate calligraphy that gave the words an Asian feel.

Dan stroked the box fondly, "You can really tell she took her time with this…"

Chris shuttered once more, the thought of his wife and best friend having some sort of hate relationship giving him the heebie-jeebies. "Can we _open_ it?"

"Oh, right…" Dan said. He opened the box to reveal a collection of masculine looking bathing and dental hygiene products. Each item had a message written in the same flowing script that was on the box; "You Smell", "Your breath stinks", "Please use this to evict the colony of tiny creatures that resides in your hair."

"She even took the time to personalize each one…" Dan said affectionately.

Chris quickly took the box and shoved it into Dan's arms. "Just…_PLEASE _go wash up! **PLEASE**!" He insisted forcefully.

"Right! No time to waste on our detestation relation. I have someone in desperate need of saving…ME!" Dan marched off towards the bathroom. He glanced back at Chris. "Make yourself useful and start prepping ingredients." Dan narrowed his eyes, "And don't _eat_ all the ingredients before we've had a chance to make the cake."

Chris saluted, "You can count on me, buddy!"

Dan shut the door to the bathroom.

Chris began looking over the recipe and started grabbing measuring cups, spoons, mixing bowls, etc…

"Ahhhh..! It _burrrrrns_! It burrrrns us! It _freeeeezees_!" Dan wailed over the sound of running water.

Chris rolled his eyes and walked over to the bathroom door, "Dan, have you even used the soap yet?"

"_I'M GETTING TO IT!" _Dan yelled back, "And stop sneaking next to the bathroom! It's _really_ creepy!"

Chris sighed and walked back towards the kitchen area. He examined the recipe carefully "Hmmmm…4 ounces of chocolate? That can't be right…"

Dan took several short and shallow breaths as water and perspiration dripped down his face. He eyed the instrument with pin-point sized pupils. A long handle that ended in a spiky looking end.

_I can't believe I'm expected to put this in my mouth. It's unbelievable, barbaric, __**cruel**__ even…_

Slowly, he reached for a cylindrical tube and unscrewed the top. Carefully, he clenched it, a bright green substance squeezing out of it and onto the spikes of the device he eyed before.

_That can't be a natural color…this stuff has __**got **__to be irradiated somehow…_

Dan slowly raised the toothbrush to his mouth, his hands shaking as the he slowly pressed the firm bristles against his teeth.

Chris paused as he heard a blood curdling scream from the bathroom. He rushed over and knocked on the door. "Dan! Are you alright?!" He asked with concern.

"Nwoo…" Dan groaned, "Erery'ing tases and smells like burming **mint**!"

Chris shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Dan groaned and wailed as he dragged the toothbrush across his teeth. After a few minutes, he exited the bathroom with a towel across his waist.

Chris gave his friend a few sarcastic claps, "Congratulations. You survived."

Dan struggled to catch his breath. "How can…how can people _subject_ themselves to that every week?!"

Chris gave his friend a sideways glance, "They don't. Most people do that _every_ day."

Dan's eyes went wide as he collapsed into his easy chair, "_Savages_…"

"You know…" Chris began, "Pinkie would probably tolerate you more if you just washed up and brushed your teeth more often…"

"Does her evil know _**no**_ bounds?!" Dan dramatically asked no one in particular.

"Yeah, she's a real sadist, all right." Chris said sarcastically. "Could you get dressed? I've got everything measured out. Though, it was pretty hard to concentrate through all the screaming."

Dan got up and trudged to his bedroom, "…You think maybe she'd just stab me fewer times at this point?" He asked hopefully.

"_After_ you threw a cupcake at her clothes?" Chris reminded with a cocked eyebrow.

Dan winced, then walked into his bedroom, closing it behind him.


	23. Chapter 20

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate Chapter 20 Pinkie Vs. Melancholy

Pinkie sighed and poked at her half eaten plate of marinara sauced pasta.

"Still thinking about Dan?" Elise said, looking up from the steak she was cutting.

The two shared a cozy booth in a dimly lit restaurant. From the booth, they could look out a large window into a vast expanse of a parking lot and a mall. The parking lot was quiet, if one discounted all the police cars, ambulances, fire trucks, trucks that were literally on fire, and people rioting.

"No…well…yeah…sorta…" Pinkie admitted.

"I'm amazed you put up with him at all. You have the patience of a saint to share living quarters with that man. Especially in that _tiny_ apartment." Elise brought a fork full of barely cooked steak into her mouth, chewed, and swallowed. "I mean…I would have killed him within a week…"

"Erm…sorry Elise, but I'm not sure you're a great metric here…"

Elise thought about this... "Well…yeah, I mean…I've killed for far less than anything Dan's done to me…or Chris…" Elise leveled her fork in Pinkie's direction, "…or you."

"Uh, Elise? You've got a little something…" Pinkie rubbed a spot next to her own mouth.

Elise grabbed her napkin and daintily dabbed a little red trickle from the corner of her mouth. "Better?" She asked with a smile.

Pinkie matched the smile, "You got it." Pinkie's expression went thoughtful again as she rested her elbow on the table, and her head on her fist. "It's just…when we go out we have _so much fun_! Just, the _**best**_! I mean…okay…things tend to get destroyed whether we intend for that to happen or not…and sometimes people get hurt… whether we intend for that to happen or not. But I always have such a _blast_ when I go out with him…oh, and I _know_ he has fun, too! You should just _hear_ the laughter that comes out of him when we're driving away from a restaurant or if we started a fire... or if we're driving away from a restaurant we _accidently_ set on fire…" Pinkie looked back at Elise, "He does things with me none of my other _friends_ would even dream of doing! Heck, they'd probably try to talk me out of it! Not Dan though," Pinkie glanced away again and began to speak in a maternal tone, "It's never… 'No Pinkie, you can't fire me out of a cannon at hornets.', or 'A burn ward probably isn't the most appropriate place for a luau, Pinkie.', and even 'A missile projectile that explodes with glitter sounds dangerous!' " Pinkie looked back at Elise, still and her face shifted to a big smile, "With Dan it's 'Wouldn't using a catapult to lob the hornets' nest be more effective?', and 'I'm concerned we didn't bring enough lighter fluid for the bon-fire.'..." Pinkie's eyes went distant for a bit and her smile shifted to one of warm contentment, "'I think we need to adjust the gunpowder to glitter ratio a bit.'…"

Elise blinked a few times, not sure how to respond to what were almost certainly admissions of crimes, "Well…what about these other friends of yours?"

Pinkie sighed, "There in another dimension." She added sadly.

"Oh…right…" Elise said remembering that both Pinkie and Dan seemed to be sold on the idea that Pinkie had come from some sort of pony world…

Pinkie's face lit up again. "But I can still talk to them! They've even met Dan."

"Uh…really?" Elise answered, not sure what to make of that.

"Yeah!" Pinkie's smile grew wider, "He even hit it off really well with a couple of them, and I think a few more are coming around to liking him, too!" Pinkie said excitedly.

"Wait…" Elise said, decided to disregard the other dimension part for a bit, "They've _met_ him, and some of them _like_ him?!" Elise asked shocked.

Pinkie nodded her head vigorously, "Uh-huh! We actually all thought my friend Fluttershy would be the _terrified_ of Dan. Ohhhh….but he was _so-so-so_ nice to _her! _She talked about Dan's emotional issues with opening up to people, and he helped her with a 'toxic relationship' as Dan put it." Pinkie closed her eyes and smiled at the memory.

"You're telling me, _**Dan**_, the guy who shares an apartment with you, talked about his _**feelings**_ with a friend of yours _and _**helped** her out with her relationship?!" Elise said in disbelief.

"Oh, he was the most helpy-helpfulest-help giver I ever _SAW_!" Pinkie insisted.

Elise thought about this for a second, "Are you sure it wasn't just some guy claiming to be Dan who looked a lot like him?" Elise asked with a raised eyebrow, the question an oddly likely explanation.

"Well…" Pinkie thought for a second, "He also kept calling one of my other friends a 'nerd' and flipped off a bunny, so I'm _pretty _sure it was Dan."

"…Yeah, okay, that sounds like something Dan would do. So…_today_…" Elise continued.

Pinkie's excited expression surrendered to her mopey, sad one, "Oh, I don't know… I guess…" Pinkie paused trying to sort her thoughts out.

"I try to be super nice and friendly with Dan and even make yummy-lactose-free foods for him, but he often makes me feel like I'm intruding in his space at home…"

Elise struggled with telling Pinkie she should consider moving out.

_She was just __**so happy looking**__ talking about Dan 30 seconds ago…Also Dan seems to rope Chris into his schemes a lot less now that he can conscript Pinkie to help him…And when he does get Chris involved…_

…_Wow! I haven't had to post bail for anyone in about a month!_

"Elise?"

"Oh, sorry Pinkie." Elise smiled, "I was just thinking about how much better things are now that you're Dan's friend."

Pinkie's eyes lit up, "REALLY?!" She asked excitedly, even tearing up a little.

Elise reached a hand over to her friend's shoulder, "Really." She reassured with a warm smile.

"Good." Pinkie's eyes went distant and her smile went warm once more. "It seems like almost every day with him turns into an adventure…maybe not always the adventure I wanted…but I'm used to that, too. It's _fun_ and exciting and maybe a little terrifying at times, but it's sort of like how things were back at home. Being here with Dan…" Pinkie trailed off for a second and looked back at Elise. "…it makes me less homesick, somehow…" She said, tears welling up behind her eyes.

Elise dwelled on this for a bit.

_I'm probably going to regret saying this, but…_

"…I think Dan likes you, too."

"I hope so…"

"No, I think he really does…I just don't think he really knows how to express it with…well…_anybody_, really."

Pinkie pondered this, "Do you think he'll start being nicer to me?" Pinkie asked hopefully.

"Oh, I'm _sure_ he will if he keeps on fearing you're going to stab him repeatedly." Elise said with a chuckle.

Pinkie's expression went neutral, "Yeah…I just wish I could get through to him without threatening _violence_ against him."

"Take it from someone who's known Dan for far longer than she cares to remember; violence is often times the _only_ language he understands."

"Heh…yeah, I guess…"

A coupled armored SWAT vehicles pulled up, and fully armored SWAT personnel complete with riot shields poured out. Soon outside was filled with calls from megaphones asking the crowd to disperse, angry cries from rioters, and tear-gas.

The two looked out with a detached level of curiosity, then went back to their meals.

"So, what kind of movie do want to see?" Elise asked.

Pinkie looked up to the ceiling with a "Hmmmmmmm…" tapping her chin thoughtfully. "Slasher flick." She answered simply, looking back.

Elise paused mid-bite, "Pinkie, the last time we all went out to a movie like that, Dan's and my ears started ringing you and Chris were screaming so loud."

Pinkie quickly slurped a bunch of pasta, the red marinara sauce splattering up and all over her face. "I know, but I'm in a real mood to see some bloodshed tonight, for some reason." Pinkie explained simply.

Elise went silent, and finally said, "Uh, Pinkie? You've got a little something…" Elise moved her palm in a circular motion in front of her own face.

Pinkie grabbed her napkin and toweled away the red sauce she had just sprayed over herself. "Better?" She asked with a smile.

Elise matched her smile, "Much." She answered.

A brick suddenly smashed through the window. A crazed, but otherwise normally dressed man draped his body through the now shattered window and screamed. "_**ALL IS VANITY**_!" Before a team of SWAT members wrestled him to the ground. Tear gas began to bellow in through the shattered window.

Pinkie sighed, and buried her face in both palms, "Just _ONCE_ I'd like to buy several outfits of clothing and not have everyone make a big deal out of it."

Elise reached into her purse and pulled out a couple of gas masks, handing one to Pinkie. "Here, put this on."

Pinkie looked surprised, "You keep gas masks in your purse!?" She exclaimed.

"You know, I end up using them with surprising frequency." Elise said, shrugging with both shoulders and her eyes.

Pinkie smiled, "Elise…I really miss my friends…but I want you to know that you're all the best _people _I could ever hope to meet." Pinkie donned her gas mask and smiled warmly at her friend.

"Thanks Pinkie, you to." Elise said, smiling back as she put her own mask on.

"Dessert?" Pinkie asked, grabbing a thin menu and holding it up in front of her face plate

A waiter with tears streaming down his face coughed and fled past the two women, tripping several times as he made his way to the exit. He was followed by the rest of the occupants of the restaurant.

Pinkie sat her menu down, "Or maybe not."

"There's a frozen yogurt place down the street. I don't think it's been vandalized or set on fire yet."

Pinkie gasped, "Can I add my own toppings?!"

Elise stood and left a few bills on the table, "Absolutely!" She said with a smile and a nod.

"Yay!" Pinkie said, excitedly cupping her hands together and bringing them to her mask.

Elise made her way to the exit as Pinkie giddily followed. Together, the two navigated the carnage and made their way back to the blue sedan.


	24. Chapter 21

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate Chapter 21 Dan Vs. Cake

"Tasses gwreat!" Chris asserted.

Dan looked down at the dark, dark batter. "Are you sure?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

Chris took another spoonful, "Yweah, its awwesome!"

Dan glared down at the batter.

"Chris, you've eaten things that weren't strictly food."

"There's A LOT of things you can eat that aren't food!" Chris proclaimed.

"_ERAHG_! You're a **horrible** assistant! I have no idea if the batter is actually good or not, because you'll eat _anything _evenif it so much reminds you of food!" Dan shouted in frustrated anger.

Chris thought about this, "Yeah, you pretty much got my number there, all right."

"And _I_ can't eat it, because it'll poison me."

"Well..." Chris began,"…I mean…you'd _live_ through eating cake batter. You may not live through being stabbed 37 times."

"If it's not right, I'm going to spend the evening getting intimate with the toilet while you basically just screw everything up again!" Dan asserted.

"_Heeeey_! We still don't know if I screwed it up the first time!" Chris complained.

Dan sighed.

"Pack up the batter, frosting, and all the ingredients Chris. I need help from someone I'd hope I'd _never_ be in their debt…

With a concern look on his face, Chris wordlessly began collecting the ingredients.

Chris looked out the passenger side window… "Ninja Dave!?" Chris asked with surprise in his voice. "_He's_ the one you don't want to owe a favor to? Dan! We're here at least once a week! Sometimes he _still _gives us free cookies just because he's so happy _we _were partially responsible for him getting into the cookie business!"

Dan exited the car and looked at Ninja Dave's cookie shop. A yellow and red building topped with a bitten cookie with a Ninjatō stabbed through it, all illuminated by street lights.

Dan furrowed his brow as determination set on his face. "I have sins I must face…"

"What sins?..DAN! Did you do something to Ninja Dave?!" Chris demanded.

"Oh…I don't know…only tried to kill him!" Dan said, throwing his hand out into an open, upright palm.

"But…he got over that…and opened the shop. Remember?"

"_No_, not _then_…later…I marched right in and tried to take his life!" Dan said, a dead serious look on his face.

"What?! When was this? Was this with Pinkie?" Chris asked, confused.

"No! We hadn't even met her yet! Geez, Chris! Don't you remember _anything?!_" Dan asked angrily.

Chris ransacked his memory, trying to think of times Dan might have ran afoul of Dave. "…Wait…are you talking about the time he gave you a cold and you tried to beat him with a stick?!" Chris asked, his surprise levels rising.

"Of course! You don't just forgive a man for something like that!" Dan asserted, index finger pointed to the sky.

"Uh-huh", Chris said with a touch of sarcasm, lowering his eyelids a bit. "Except Dave _did_ forgive you. He even gave you free cookies for making you sick! After you feebly hit him in the head with a stick, too."

"Feebly?!" Dan said, insulted. "WHY! The heavens shook! The earth HEAVED as I stuck a deadly blow against my _foes_ crown." Dan announced dramatically.

"You could barely lift the stick up over your _own_ head! Then he blocked your next" –Chris air quoted—"'deadly blow' with a rolling pin and you two collapsed to the floor, too sick to continue!"

"Okay first! _Shut up!_" Dan leveled an index finger at Chris,"Second…uh…_**Shut up!**_" Dan refocused to the building and stood up straight. "It's time to face my destiny." He asserted walking to the door.

Chris rolled his eyes, "Need backup?" He asked flatly.

"No! I must do this…_alone_." Dan said, his voice becoming little more than a whisper. He walked to the door and turned back to Chris.

"Grab the stuff, and…if I don't make it, tell Pinkie…" Dan trailed off.

Chris looked concerned for a moment, "Yes, Dan?"

Dan pushed through his hesitation. "If I don't make it…tell Pinkie…tell her that…that I'm going to _HAUNT_ her _**FOREVER**_!"

Chris folded his arms, "Somehow, I doubt she'd mind…"

Dan took a deep breath and walked into the cookie shop.

Dave was behind the counter, red t-shirt covered by his apron. With oven mitts on, he opened up an oven and took out a cookie sheet. The shop was immediately filled with the smell of cinnamon and ginger from the gingerbread cookies that Dave had shaped into various martial arts poses.

Dave looked up from his cookie sheet, "Hey, Dan! The usual?" He asked in a friendly tone of voice.

Dan ran around the counter and immediately dropped to his hands and knees, "Forgive me cookie-father! I have wronged you! And now I have no choice but to beg! Beg like a common house cockroach for your _forgiveness_! I know I come not in friendship, and that…if you help me…Someday, and that day may never come, you'll call upon me to…"

"Dude? What are you talking about?" Dave asked with a confused brow, sitting his cookies down to cool. "We're totally friends."

Dan stood up, "We…we are?" He asked confused.

"I wouldn't have even _got_ this place if it weren't for you guys! In fact…" Dave spun around, took off his oven mitts and grabbed a cookie out of the display case. "Here! Have a lactose-free chocolate chip cookie, on the house."

"Uh…" Dan took the cookie, and took a bite "mmmm"ing to himself.

"SO! You need my help?" Dave's face went serious, "Do you need me to kill someone?"

"Nwo" Dan answered through a mouthful of cookie, "I"—Dan swallowed the food in his mouth—"I need help baking."

"_Rats_!.. I _**mean**_ good, good…"

Chris walked in with a grunt, carrying a couple mixing bowls, on top of a large, brown box.

Dave smiled and waved, "Hey Chris! You can set that stuff down back here."

Chris made a few more determined grunts as he trudged over and carefully laid down box, batter, and frosting.

Dave grabbed a gingerbread man from the display case, it posed to kick high into the air. "Here, Chris. Have a ninjabread man."

Chris gleefully accepted the cookie and devoured it in a couple of quick bites.

"So…" Dave looked down at the mixing bowls. "What are you two trying to make?"

"I have to make a chocolate cake or my roommate is going to stab me 37 times with a chef's knife." Dan explained.

"Ouch Dude…wait, roommate?"

"Yeah, she's been here. Girl, pink hair, couldn't stop moving…or _talking_ if her life depended on it?"

"Oh! That hot girl that's always hanging off of you! I thought she was your girlfriend."

"WHAT?! No, don't be absurd! And…" Dan thought for a second, "Excuse _YOU_, but Pinkie is _not _'hot'." Dan insisted with air quotes. "She has an obnoxiously adorable personality that's attached to a full-figured, attractive body with a cute face." Dan insisted.

Dave and Chris exchanged glances and broke out into roaring laughter.

"Hahaha…_**DUDE**_! You must have it **BAD** for her!" Dave insisted.

"What?! No, wait…I _mean_ she wears stupid, _**pink**_ clothes, and she smells nic_**GIRLY!**_"

Dave wiped a tear away from his eye, "Hehe…sure Dan, whatever you say…" He eyed the cake batter suspiciously, grabbed a baking paddle, dipped it in the mixture, and then brought it up to his mouth to give it a taste. This was quickly followed by a "Blech!" And Dave turning to try to spit the taste out of his mouth. "How much chocolate is in this thing?!"

Dan paused, then glared up at Chris, "Chris…did you follow the recipe, _exactly_!?" He said accusatorily.

Chris nervously looked to the side and said, "Well…I may have added just a bit more chocolate…"

Dan narrowed his eyes, "And when you say '_little'_ you mean…"

"…three times what the book says…"

"Chris, you can't just play _fast_ and _loose_ with baking!" Dave insisted. "It's an exact science!"

"I thought more chocolate meant more flavor!" Chris insisted.

Dave sighed and fished out some of the unsweetened baking chocolate from the box. He broke off a couple of small pieces and handed one to Chris, the other to Dan.

Chris chomped down on his bite, "Tastes great!" he insisted.

Dan eyed him suspiciously, and nibbled on his own. "_**BLECH**_!" Dan also tried to spit the taste out of his mouth. "What is this stuff MADE out of, extract of bitterness?!"

"Yeah, chocolate is like that without sugar." Dave informed.

Chris raised his index finger, "Okay! Well, we'll just add more sugar…"

"No, _dude_, you're not listening!" Dave insisted. "You can't just go adding and subtracting ingredients! You'll throw off the whole texture of the cake!"

"What are you trying to do here?!" Dan demanded, "Do you _want_ me to get stabbed?!"

"Hey! What am I, my wife?" Chris asked. His eyes went wide for a second, "Oh…I made myself sad…"

"Look guys…it appears you have everything we need. So, tell you what. I'll help make the cake, but I need you guys to help me run the shop. Deal?" Ninja Dave proposed.

"Deal!" Dan said extending a hand, "Put it there, _friend_."

Dave smiled and reached out to the shorter man's hand and gave it a firm shake.

"Alright." Dave begin. "We're going to have to start from scratch…wait…Chris, did you put extra chocolate in the frosting, too?"

"Uhhh…"

Dave sighed, "That's a 'yes'."

Dan gave Chris's arm a solid punch.

"Ow!" Chris exclaimed.

"Dan," Dave bent down and fished a recipe book out of a cupboard, he flipped it to a page and handed the book to Dan, "you're going to start making these."

Dan looked over the recipe for lactose-free chocolate chip cookies, "But…I've never baked by myself before!" Dan insisted.

"Well, today you're going to start! Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on you to make sure you don't screw up. Just follow the recipe _exactly_."

Dan sighed, and set the open book out in front of him.

"Who knows?.." Dave continued, "Maybe you can make a few for your girlfriend next time."

"SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!" Dan roared.

Dave shook his head with a chuckle, "Maybe she will be when you present her with a plate full of cookies you made yourself."

Dan grumbled several obscenities under his breath and started checking cupboards for measuring cups.

"What do I get to make?!" Chris asked excitedly.

Dave turned to face him "_You _are going to help _me _make this cake and sell some cookies. I'm not sure I can trust you not to eat everything before we've even _made_ it."

Chris sighed and hung his head, "Yeah, that's probably a safe bet…"

"_WHY DID YOU LET ME TALK YOU INTO SEEING THAT MOVIE?!" _Pinkie screeched as Elise supported her trembling friend by letting Pinkie rest an arm around her shoulders.

"You _SAID_ bloodshed!" Elise insisted.

"Yeah but…" Pinkie trailed off. "Okay, I have _no_ idea what was going through my head at the time, but that was disturbingly horrifyingly-terrifyingly horrible! I'm going to have nightmares for weeks!"

Elise chuckled, Pinkie had been quiet for the first half of the movie, deadly quiet. However, as the carnage and body count of promiscuous teens increased, Pinkie's killer façade began to melt into the hyperactive, frightened woman Elise was used to seeing at a bloody horror film. Towards the end of the film, Elise and the theatre were treated to a symphony of whimpers, shrieks, screams, and "NO! DON'T GO IN THERE!"s.

Still wide eyed and dazed, Pinkie asked, "Do you think if I ask really, _really, __**really**_ nicely, Dan will let me sleep in the bed with him for a few days…weeks?"

Elise paused wondering if Pinkie meant what Elise _thought _she meant, but remembered that the two had seemingly shared a furniture, pillow, and blanket fort for weeks with probably little more than some one sided snuggling. "I suppose that depends on if he can survive being stabbed 37 times, or not."

Pinkie stopped walking, removed her arm from around Elise, and used her now free palm to cover her face. "Ulg…I can't believe I even said that to him…"

"Well, he _did _push things pretty far this time." Elise reminded.

"I _know_, but…" Pinkie sighed, "I can't _stab_ Dan. He's like my _bestest_ friend and the whole wide world!" She insisted, throwing her arms and palms to the side.

"I'm sure he'll be fine if you just tell him you forgive him."

"No!" Pinkie insisted, "I _have _to make it up to him…" Pinkie's shoulders slumped and she began to pout.

"What's wrong?" Elise asked, turning to face Pinkie and lowering her head slightly to meet Pinkie's blue eyes with her violet ones.

Pinkie sighed, "All the shops are closed now…or wrecked…or _still _smoldering."

Elise grinned mischievously, "Oh…I think I can help you there…"

Elise held a black clad arm out causing Pinkie to pause behind her. The parking lot was lit only by moonlight, starlight, and the occasional light from an emergency vehicle or flashlight from a SWAT team member. The air was still heavy with smoke and gas, cutting visibility further. This made getting close to the broken and smoking mall relatively easy. Though SWAT personnel still patrolled the grounds making the mall look like some sort of burnt out police state.

Pinkie fidgeted nervously. At least Elise had a spare black jump suit she could wear, though it fit quite a bit tighter on her body than was comfortable.

_Pinkie note: purchase my own sneaking around spy gear…Ooh! With night vision goggles… I can't believe I didn't think about it before! It seems like I'm sneaking around every other day here…_

Elise was wearing much looser fitting, black robes. With the leggings and sleeves secured with black leather belts. A long red scarf sat around her neck and under her gas mask.

Elise silently motioned to a couple of SWAT members who were standing watch.

Pinkie nodded and held her position.

Elise reached into her robes and produced, a small, spherical object. She lobbed it into a nearby overturned mall security car. Soon smoke was billowing out from the broken windows.

The two SWAT members rushed over to investigate, and Elise motioned Pinkie to follow as she quietly rushed towards the mall.

Pinkie followed, the red scarf that flapped and fluttered behind Elise making her rather easy to track at the close range.

Soon the two had arrived at a store, relatively unscathed aside from the broken windows.

Elise found a window suitably clear of broken glass, placed a hand on the frame, and nimbly swung her body up and over the window into the store, landing on her feet in a crouching position.

Pinkie did the same, minus the agility portion or the landing on her feet portion. She hit the ground with a thud and a startled "Ah!"

Elise quickly got Pinkie to her feet and hid her behind the wall, scanning outside to make sure no one noticed the sound. When it seemed all was clear, Elise pulled out a small flashlight and turned it on, illuminating a store full of games, dolls, stuffed animals, and neatly packaged action figures.

Elise glanced over to her friend, "Where to?"

Pinkie smiled, "Action figures, please!"

Elise scanned the isle's with her flashlight, "Alright, let's go."

"Dan, I know this cake is your '_salvation'_…but if I don't get a slice, _I'm_ going to be the one who stabs you 37 times!" Chris said through a determined glare.

Dan stood in front of the finished cake, arms and legs spread wide trying to block Chris's path. Dan gritted his teeth.

_That food crazed idiot ate his body weight in cookies and he __**still**__ wants more…_

_I guess he did help make it…_

_And he'll certainly at least __**attack**__ me to get a slice._

An image of the two fighting until the cake landed on them flashed through Dan's head. Followed by an image of Pinkie coming home to see the two covered in cake, messing up the pristine apartment. This was followed by the image of a Pinkie with a crazed look in her eye, an ambulance, and a coroner looking over his body while dictating "Cause of death appears to be 37 stab wounds." into a voice recorder.

Dan sighed, and got out a fork, plate and large knife, cutting a small slice and placing it on the plate.

"That's it?!" Chris said with equal parts surprise and disappointment.

"Hey! If Pinkie is mad that we cut into the cake before she gets here, I'm pointing her in _your _direction." Dan informed irritably.

Chris's expression and mood shifted immediately, "This will do!" he announced with a nervous smile as Dan handed him the plate.

Dan turned back to the cake with a thoughtful expression.

"Hey monkey face. Start cleaning up when you're done eating."

Pinkie waved at the blue sedan, and said about her dozenth "Thanks again!" for the night.

Elise waved from the car as Pinkie bounded up towards the apartment, arms full of bulging clothing bags.

Once she got up the stairs, she saw a familiar, tall individual walking towards her.

"Hey Chris!" She said, stepping to the side to allowing him to pass. "You two do alright?" She asked.

"Hey Pinkie. You'll just have to see for yourself." Chris said with a smile.

Pinkie made an excited "Eeee!" sound as she bounded to the apartment, dropped a few bags and threw open and the door and entered with an excited "Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! _WHaaaa…_" as she slipped on the still moist floor, crashing to the ground. The hard impact caused the flour in the cupboard to teeter forward, it landed directly on the chocolate cake, exploding brown chocolate frosting, cake, and flour all over the kitchen area. Pinkie tried to scramble to her feet, reaching for the oven, grabbing two knobs and accidently turning on the gas on two burners as her hands felt for a hand hold to lift her up. As she raised her body up, she shifted her palms on the knobs to "ignite" causing the fresh layer of flammable flour to flame up in front of her.

Pinkie fell backwards into her bags of clothes and attempted to process the fiery blaze in front of her.

In a matter of seconds, she heard the sound of a fire extinguisher going off, quenching the flames.

Dan walked over to the stove and turned both knobs to the "Off" position.

Pinkie dove into one of the bags and held a rectangular object in front of her, screaming "Not in the face!" hoping the item would shield her from Dan's oncoming wrath. She felt the item being gently pushed aside with an index finger and her fearful, blue eyes looked into the surprisingly calm, green eyes of her roommate's.

"Is this a deluxe edition _Population Control Johnny _action figure complete with machine gun, chain-saw, and hack-saw?" Dan asked in an even tone.

Fear still plastered on her face, Pinkie forced a smile and nodded with an affirmative "Ummm-hmmm!"

"For _me_?" Dan asked hopefully.

Pinkie nodded with more vigor and added, "Ummm-hmmm! Ummm-hmmm!"

Dan smiled warmly and held out a hand, helping Pinkie to her feet.

"How'd you get to the fire extinguisher so fast?" Pinkie asked.

"Monkey face spilled a bucket of water while he was cleaning up. I figured you slipping and making a fiery mess somehow was less a possibility and more an inevitability." Dan explained.

Pinkie whimpered and her lower lip quivered as she examined the chocolate cake that was now sitting under several pounds of scorched flour.

Dan walked over to the fridge and produced a plate, and held it out in front of his roommate's face.

Pinkie gasped at the fork, large slice of chocolate cake, and cookie sitting on top of the plate. She turned to Dan as tears welled up behind her eyes, "You…you…saved me a slice?"

Dan smiled and shrugged, "Like I said, I _knew _you'd make a mess of things."

Pinkie's mouth exploded into a toothy smile that made an audible "squee" sound. She took the fork, dug into the cake, and took a large bite of cake and frosting into her mouth. Her pupils dilated as she announced "Perfect!" She leaned down and planted a peck on the cheek of her roommate.

Dan recoiled slightly and rubbed a hand over his cheek, turning his hand to show Pinkie had also planted some, _toxic_ in Dan's eyes, cake and frosting on him.

"Whoops! Let me get that for you…" Pinkie set her plate down, produced a small handkerchief from her pocket, spit into it, and began rubbing the chocolate off of Dan's face.

"Eww! EWW!" Dan protested, "What is it with you and sharing body fluids with me?!"

Pinkie gave Dan a wry grin.

"NO! Wait! I didn't mean it like that!" Dan insisted waving his arms out in front of him.

Pinkie smiled and looked at the cookie, taking it into her hand. She examined it carefully and her eyes went wide and she inhaled a large volume of air, "Dan, did _you _make this?!" She asked shocked.

Dan smiled proudly, "Yep…well…Ninja Dave helped…a little."

Pinkie gave her roomie a knowing grin, "I take it he helped with the cake, too."

Dan sighed and rubbed the back of his head, "More like made the whole thing while Chris bumbled around and I made cookies…"

Pinkie took several bites and quickly devoured the cookie with an excited "Mmmmmmmmmmmmm!"

"Dan, this is _sooooo_ good!" Pinkie cooed.

Dan just smiled.

Soon Pinkie had finished her cake slice as well. Her happy expression quickly fell as she examined the kitchen and realized it was a burnt, chocolaty mess, still covered with flour in many places. She gave an exasperated sigh and turned to her roommate. "Bail?" She asked, grabbing her pink bag.

Dan nodded. "Bail." He replied, snagging his car keys from the counter.

The two made their way to the door, Pinkie looping an arm around her roommate's as the two exited into the slowly cooling California night.

Pinkie leaned in close and gave her roomie a good sniff, "You smell, nice." She said with a smile.

"You smell like…" Dan took a big sniff "…tear gas?"

Pinkie laughed nervously, "I had a lot of clothes to replace…"

"Yeah…sorry about that…" Dan said. "Though, now I'm more_ sorry_ I didn't go to the mall with you…"

"It was only fun if you like riots."

Dan shrugged, "Who _doesn't_ enjoy a good riot?"

"Err…Dan?.." Pinkie began tentatively.

"Hmmmm?" Dan replied.

"Erm…can I share the bed with you for a few days…weeks?" Pinkie asked hopefully, fluttering eyelids at her roommate.

Dan sighed, "What is it this time…"

"Elise and I _kinda _saw a scary movie…"

Dan grumbled under his breath, as this meant weeks of sharing the bed with a fidgety, whimpering Pinkie Pie who probably wouldn't stop using him as some sort of comfort teddy bear. "_Fine_!" Dan said irritably. "But I get the side next to the wall. Falling out of the bed _hurts_."

Pinkie gave a short and victorious, "Yay!" Then followed up with, "You're the bestest, most awesomest guys ever, Dan!"

Dan smiled smugly, "Yeah, I know…"

Pinkie released Dan as he unlocked first passenger side, than driver side doors.

"Where to?" Dan asked as the roommates synchronized getting into the car and buckling up.

Pinkie put an index finger to her chin, "Hmmm…Not much is open this late…"

Dan grinned evilly, "_Lenny's_ is **always **open…" he suggested.

"Reeeaaaally?.." Pinkie purred in response with a sly grin.

Dan's grin widened, "Baby, You, me, a turkey sandwich, a late breakfast, and maybe a big plate of French toast… I keep wondering if we can shape the slices into boomerangs so they'll ark back when thrown at an angle…"

Pinkie gasped, "That's _**brilliant**_! Dan we _HAVE_ to make that happen!"

"_Iknowright_?!" Dan responded.

The red hatchback sped off down the street, approaching what was most certainly going to be more food based mayhem.


	25. Chapter 22

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate Chapter 22 Dan Vs. Groceries

Dan stirred from under the bed covers and sat up, groggily coming to his senses. The bright California sun was shooting into his bedroom in bright strips of light through the space between his window blinds.

Once again, he was surprised to find the other half of the bed empty. Especially since his roommate had spent the night next to him tossing, whimpering, and waking him up to explain in gory detail the gruesome murder she got to play victim in in her nightmare for the seventh night in a row.

"…Pinkie?" He called out tentatively, sure the bathroom door would fly open and he'd be tackle-glomped again.

"Meow" was the only reply as Mr. Mumbles trotted into view and jumped on the bed. A note of some sort carried in the mangy, grey cat's mouth.

Dan took the note and absentmindedly stroked Mr. Mumbles as he read it. Pinkie had, surprise, surprise, written the note with a pink glitter pen. The note was written on line paper obviously torn out of a notebook of some sort. Additionally, it was _legible_, meaning Pinkie probably took her time to write it. A fact also apparent given she dotted each "i" with a heart.

"To the bestest, most super, roommate in the whole wide world,

Went grocery shopping.

Love,

Pinkie Pie

P.S. Take a shower and brush your teeth, OK?"

Pinkie had decided that last sentence warranted a giant heart next to it.

_Well, at least she didn't draw a knife through it…_

…

_Just my luck I'd end up sharing living space with the only person on the planet who's capable of threatening potentially lethal violence one moment and at the mercy of a cheesy slasher-flick the next…_

Dan looked towards the bedroom entrance, which was kitty-corner from the bathroom entrance, and sighed. Pinkie had avoided any threats of violence, buy had opted for a more direct approach into changing his hygiene habits, i.e. she would play mother and either threaten to wash him herself, or in the case of brushing his teeth, stand behind him and physically assault his mouth with the spiky brush and burning, mint flavored, toothpaste (at least, this is how Dan viewed it).

_Well…I could just escape the apartment for the day…of course, she'd probably just make me shower and brush my teeth when I get back. And I have been missing lots of high quality TV with all this trying to avoiding her…_

Dan sighed, his roommate having made cleanliness the only sensible option at this point. He walked over to his dresser and nabbed a change of boxers, some socks, a black "JERK" shirt, and jeans.

Dan opened the bathroom door and stepped out into what was essentially the living room of the tiny apartment. His breath was still shallow from the self-inflicted torture of removing plaque. Perspiration and water from his still damp hair covered his face and dampened the collar of his shirt a bit.

He looked up to notice Pinkie had return and was grinning widely at him with equal parts happiness and amusement it seemed. She was dressed in her red, floral shirt; rolled up denim shorts; and light pink flats with a set of two blue and one yellow balloon per shoe. She stood in the kitchen next to an open brown bag and a couple more that had been neatly folded and set to the side.

Pinkie giggled to herself as she poured herself a rainbow assortment of "Fruity Circles" into a plastic bowl from a red cereal box, "Congratulations on surviving the deadly medley of shower gel and toothpaste. Thanks for not making me force good sanitation habits on you, today." She said closing her eyes and smiling warmly.

Dan shot her a glare, "How can _I _force you to clean me?" He demanded. "Your bizarre compulsion to get me to smell like I was assaulted by a minty sandalwood plant elemental is hardly my fault."

"Err…sorry." Pinkie said, her expression going a bit more serious, "I really meant it…thank you." She said with wide, honest looking eyes.

"Whatever." Dan said dismissively, walking over to the fridge. "What you get?"

"Ooh, Ooh! I got a cantaloupe, watermelon, some oranges, apples, lettuce, milk, cheese…"

"You stocked my fridge with poison _and_ unnecessary food groups?!" Dan said throwing his arms out to the side.

"I'm _pretty_ sure fruits and vegetables are necessary if you don't want to die of malnutrition, somehow." Pinkie responded, putting a ponderous index finger on her chin as she looked towards the ceiling.

"Well, maybe I _do_ want to die of malnutrition!" Dan said, folding his arms.

Pinkie put a pout on her face, "What if _**I**_ don't want you to die of malnutrition?"

"You are the most selfish person I've ever met, you know that?"

Pinkie frowned and sighed, forcing her roommate to eat something besides a plain hamburger or turkey sandwich minus vegetables seemingly still a likely task for the day.

Dan opened the fridge and began taking stock of the various items Pinkie had just stocked it with. _"WHAT IS THIS TREACHERY?!" _He demanded, pulling out a light green stalk with equally green branches and darker green flower heads.

"_That treachery_ is also known as 'Broccoli'." Pinkie answered, casually pointing at the green item in Dan's hand.

"You _know_ how I feel about broccoli!"

"I _know_ you _created_ and were almost _eaten_ by a giant broccoli monster. I figured this could be your way of getting revenge on broccoli kind." Pinkie explained.

"Oh, _**no**_! I won't have you trick me into eating empty calories by appealing to my sense of justice."

"Danny, I'm pretty surey broccoli is likey the completely _opposity_ _thingy_ of _empty_ calories…_ees_."

"DON'T CALL ME '_**DANNY**__'_! Also, broccoli is highly triggering for me. I mean it. I'm triggered. You triggered me Pinkie. Way to go."

Pinkie rolled her eyes, "Yes, I can see that…"

"_DON'T YOU DARE MAKE LIGHT OF MY __TRAUMATIZING __EXPERIENCE!"_

"Dan, your life is a series of traumatizing experiences! _MY LIFE is now a series of traumatizing experiences_! I…" Pinkie stopped, extended her arm, and took a deep breath.

_Maybe a different __stratagem __will work…_

"Dan, please eat some broccoli, _for me_?" She asked, fluttering her eyelids and putting on her best, sad puppy expression.

"I'll eat it if you agree to eat some meat." Dan said, finally smiling, but not the type of smile Pinkie was hoping for.

Pinkie's shoulders slumped and her expression changed to a defeated look, "Dan…you _know _I'm still working out my feelings on that."

Dan shrugged, sly grin still coating his face, "If you're going to cut a food group out of your diet, I don't see how you can expect me to live up to some _ridiculously high_ standard you yourself won't abide by." Dan said smugly.

Pinkie brought both palms up to her temples and ruffled her hair in frustration, "Fine! Don't eat the stupid broccoli! I'll eat it."

"No! I don't even want this thing in the apartment!" Dan declared. He quickly opened the door to the apartment and lobbed the broccoli outside, nailing a cyclist in the face and causing said cyclist to lose control of his bike and crash into a red hatchback.

"My car!" Dan exclaimed. He wheeled around on Pinkie, accusatory finger at the ready, "_YOU DID THIS_!"

Pinkie put her forearms up and held up open palms, "Yes Dan, you caught me. Buying broccoli was an elaborate ploy to have an irritating fight with you complete with you assailing a bicyclist with a vegetable so he would crash into your car." She answered sarcastically.

Dan furrowed his brow angrily at his roommate. He took note of the bowl of dry cereal she had set down next to her. Reaching back into the fridge, he grabbed a full gallon carton of milk.

"Dan! _Don't_…" Pinkie began to plead.

Without any hesitation, Dan lobbed 8 pounds of milky, plastic wrapped projectile out into the street, hitting a second cyclist that had stopped to check on the first and knocking both cyclist and bike into the car while exploding milk over the pair and red hatchback.

"What's with all the cyclist around here?" Dan asked irritably. "Don't they know this is a dangerous neighborhood?"

Dan paused and his eyes widened slightly as he heard a "Grrrrrrrrrrrr_rrrrrrrrrrrrr_…" that was slowly rising in volume.

He turned to see his roommate fixing him with a glare.

Expecting her to utter a number, Pinkie fished out a small, plastic bottle of two percent milk from the brown bag next to her, instead. "Luckily, I had _prepared _for the possibility of a Dan level temper-tantrum."

"Don't you pour that milk!" Dan demanded, violently pointing at the offending bottle.

Pinkie grinned mischievously, "You mean…_this_ milk?" Pinkie unscrewed the top of the bottle. Holding the bottle in one hand she bit down on the foil seal and held it over the bowl.

"_Don't you dare pour that milk_!" Dan closed the door to the apartment and took a few steps closer to his roommate.

"Oh…I'm pouring." Pinkie said tipping the bottle slightly.

"Pinkie! Don't…"

Without hesitation, Pinkie poured 8 ounces of milky liquid onto her cereal.

Dan uttered an irritated "Gah!" and held his hands up in angry claws at face level.

Pinkie giggled to herself and looked back to the bowl of cereal. Her smile fell as she realized she was missing something.

Dan's evil, toothy grin surfaced as he patted the flatware drawer next to him.

Pinkie lifted the cereal bowl and raised it to her determined looking face.

Dan raised an eyebrow. "You wouldn't."

"I used to devour entire collections of cakes without a fork in sight." Pinkie grinned slyly. "Do you _reeeeaally _think I'm scared of getting a little milk on my face?" Pinkie purred.

"Pinkie, if you put that cereal in your mouth, I _will _attack." Dan said resolutely adding, "I bite."

"_Oooooh_…bet _you_ don't _bite_ as _hard_ as _meeee~_." Pinkie responded in a sing-song tone.

Dan focused his green eyes on his roommate's blue eyes.

Pinkie's teeth gritted.

The two roomies had a tense sta…

Pinkie buried her face in the bowl and began devouring cereal with an audible "Om-nom-nom-nommy-nom-nommy-nom-nom." Getting cereal and milk everywhere.

Dan gave off an angry roar and charged his roommate. He was short but scrappy while his roommate was a bit taller...and equally scrappy.

One tackle later: Dan, Pinkie, and moist cereal were a heap on the floor.

Dan immediately brought his milk soaked body to its feet. "Ghaaaaaaaaaa! _Unclean_!" He announced, running towards the bathroom.

"Dan, wait!" Pinkie called out after him. "I _didn't_ want to…"

_SLAM_

"…fight." Pinkie finished softly.

The sound of the shower running emanated from the bathroom.

Mr. Mumbles bounded up to the mess on the kitchen and began lapping up milk.

Pinkie sighed and surveyed the damage. Her shirt and shorts were covered in milk and cereal, as was the kitchen. It would go down in apartment history as one of the cleanest battles the two had ever fought.

Dan threw open the door and emerged, fully clothed and sopping wet. He angrily trudge towards the apartment door.

"Dan! Stop! At least let me…"

_SLAM_

"…say 'sorry'." Pinkie finished softly.

"Mew?" Mr. Mumbles said, looking up at Pinkie Pie with large, green and black eyes.

Pinkie sighed and bent down to take the cat into her arms, Mr. Mumbles purred in response.

"He'll come around." She assured to herself as much as to Mr. Mumbles.

Mr. Mumbles licked at the milk on Pinkie's face in response.

Mr. Mumbles licked at the milk on Pinkie's face in response.

Pinkie giggled as the rough cat tongue dragged across her cheek.

She thought back on something Dan said earlier.

"Meat, eh?" She said, thinking out loud, "I wonder if Twilight…"

Dan ran towards the stairs, slipping on his wet socks as he descended, and tumbling half a dozen steps before landing hard on the concrete below.

He raised to his feet, balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

"_**ROOOOOOOOMMAAAAAAAATE!"**_

_**Dan Vs.**_

_**Roommate**_


	26. Chapter 23

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate Chapter 23 Dan Vs. Planning

Dan parked his red hatchback and stepped out towards the red roofed, beige house of Chris and Elise. The short drive in the bright Southern California day having dried his clothes only slightly. For the most part, he was still soaked. He quickly exited his car, stormed up the walkway, threw open the door, and announced, "Enough is _**enough**_! I want her _out!_" to a collection of furniture that was obscured by a number of blankets and sheets suspended from the ceiling.

Dan paused examining the structure inside a structure in front of him.

"Want _who_ out?" A male voice called out. "Elise? She kinda _lives_ here."

"NO, not Elise" Dan replied. "…Look! Can you come out here? I need ideas…and bees."

"…"

"Mostly bees."

One of the blankets was pushed aside to reveal Chris's smiling face. "Why don't _you _come in here?"

Dan gave an exasperated "_**Fine**_!", and trudged into the furniture/bedspread structure.

"Hi Dan." Elise said from the blue couch with a small smile from behind a cup of steaming tea. "…What are you drenched with?" She asked examining the short man as her face went neutral.

"Water. What does it matter?"

"Well, you _often _end up covered in something _unpleasant_. And I'd rather not have to clean anything just because you stopped by." Elise explained.

"_Sorry!_" Dan answered snidely. "Wouldn't want to mess up your…whatever all _this_ is!"

"It's Fort Chrilise! _Isn't it awesome_?" Chris asked enthusiastically.

"First of all, it looks more like a _tent_. Second of all, 'Chrislise'? _That's _the best you could come up with?!" Dan asked, throwing his hands out.

"Right, because 'For Dan Pie' was a stroke of genius." Chris responded rolling his eyes.

Dan glanced at Elise, "I can't believe you actually agreed to this!"

Elise smiled again and shrugged, "It was fun! And it's kinda cozy in here." She said, fondly regarding her surroundings. She took a small sip of tea. "Anyhow… why do you need bees?"

"I already _told_ you!" Dan insisted.

Elise creased her brow, "I don't think you did."

"Chris, couldn't you have married someone who pays attention? Or better yet, not have gotten married at all?"

Elise sighed, "Thank goodness you reminded me what you're like when Pinkie's not around. I was beginning the think you were tolerable…wait…" Elise face changed to a worried look.

Chris smacked a palm on his face. "Dan, don't tell me you're planning to unleash bees on Pinkie."

"Okay…I won't tell you that." Dan said, shrugging.

"DAN!" Elise said sternly, "If you _hurt_ her, I'll see to it _personally _that you're rendered incapable of harming another person again."

"I'm sorry, was a vague threat supposed to scare me?" Dan asked.

Elise cocked her head slightly, "I can get graphic."

"Dan," Chris began, "there are a number of reasons why attacking Pinkie with bees is a bad idea."

Dan paused, "I'm listening…"

"**A**..."

"You said '_number', _that was a letter." Dan interrupted.

Chris ignored him and continued, "Attacking Pinkie with bees definitely violates the 'Dan shall not _physically_ harm Pinkie Pie directly or indirectly' agreement."

"Oh, come _ON! _She's not allergic…_probably_…" Dan said, rubbing his chin. "She'd be fine…eventually." He insisted.

"**B**…"

"Puns aren't funny, Chris." Dan replied.

"_FINE_! **2**…"

"_Wait_, now you're mixing letters and numbers. Can we start over?"

Chris uttered a frustrated "Gah!" and resorted to listing things on his fingers. Holding up two, he continued, "Gathering bees means a high probability of being stung by the gatherer."

Dan smiled, "That's why I have you, buddy."

Chris narrowed his eyes and held up a third finger, "I'm not doing it."

"Fine! More honey for me." Dan replied.

Chris paused.

"CHRIS!" Elise called out. "We _have _honey."

"Oh, right…" Chris held up a fourth finger. "She might retaliate…violently."

Dan went silent.

_He's got a point…and so does Pinkie. Except her point is at the end of 8 inches of sharp metal…_

Chris held up a fifth finger, "Finally, she's probably the only person on the planet who might anticipate you attacking her with bees and have a beekeeper's suit at the ready."

"I…Okay, that's also a pretty valid point." Dan admitted.

"So, no bees?" Chris asked with raised eyebrows.

"Let's just call it Plan 'B'." Dan said chuckling to himself.

Chris closed his eyes and grumbled irritably while holding the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.

"Why do you even _want _to attack Pinkie with bees, anyhow?" Elise asked with a crinkled brow.

Dan turned to her. "This last week at the apartment has been a living nightmare!" He asserted.

Elise sipped her tea, "For you, or Pinkie?" She asked with a smile.

Dan shot her a glare. "I'll have you know she's subjected me to daily tortures!"

Elise and Chris glanced at each other, both remembering that Dan have a tendency to push Pinkie into a rather dark place.

"What kind of tortures?" Chris asked, with a hint of skepticism.

Pinkie pushed her roommate into the bathroom, "You're having a _shower _and that's FINAL!" She shrieked, closing the door.

"I already told you, I smell fine!" Dan shouted through the hollow core door.

"And I already told you that you smell like _**plot**_!" Pinkie shot back.

"What?" Dan replied.

"YOU _**HEARD**_ ME!" Pinkie decreed.

"Well, that's _true_, but that doesn't mean I understood you…"

"Start cleaning yourself, or I'm coming in _there_ to do it for you!" Pinkie threatened.

"You wouldn't…"

"_Try me_." Pinkie purred, a mischievous grin spreading across her face.

The sound of running water was heard from the bathroom, followed quickly by labored moans.

"…Dan, have you even stepped into the _shower_ yet?"

"I'M GETTING TO IT!"

Dan wailed and whimpered as Pinkie stood behind him, running a toothbrush over his teeth.

"You know," Pinkie began, "We'd be done already if you just sat still. And this would go _a lot_ quicker if you just did it yourself…"

Dan swatted the offending brush out of his mouth, "Ah-**HA**! So that's your game! You're trying to condition me into performing this tortuous act on myself!" Dan said accusingly. "Well, I won't be your dog anymore, Pavlov!" Dan made a quick dive for the bathroom door as Pinkie casually reached out and snagged the collar on his shirt, pulling him back into position between her and the sink for the umpteenth time.

Dan stared irritably at her reflection in the mirror in front of him.

"Now say, 'ah'." Pinkie said holding the brush in front of Dan's face.

Dan sighed, rolled his eyes, opened his mouth, and continued his wailing and whimpering as Pinkie continued to brush his teeth.

"_WHAT THE HECK IS THIS_?!" Dan demanded, angrily motioning to the bowl in front of him.

"Fruit salad." Pinkie said nonchalantly.

"Wow! You've managed to create the opposite of _high concept_! You've combined two things that _no one _likes and…"

Pinkie quickly scooped a spoonful of soft, chopped fruits and deposited them into Dan's open mouth.

"GHAK!" Dan swallowed the soft material and immediately began coughing and making choking noises.

"I…I've never felt so violated in my _LIFE_!" Dan's expression contorted into fury and he turned to face his foe who had forced fruit inside his face. "How DARE…"

Pinkie inserted another spoonful of fruit into Dan's mouth, causing Dan to go through another round of coughing and choking.

Dan began to tear up a bit, "Just…_sob…_just stop…you're evil…_and cruel_…and…" Dan quickly found speaking difficult as Pinkie shoveled more fruit into his mouth.

Dan looked back and forth between Chris and Elise, with large, sad eyes. Hoping for some amount of sympat…

Chris and Elise broke into fits of laughter.

"I _knew _you two sadist would take _her_ side!"

"Dan…" Chris said, in between giggled, "…_hehe_…Forcing good hygiene and..._heh…_dietary habits on you hardly counts as torture."

"Oh yeah! Well I'm _also_ forced to deal with her cluelessness on a daily basis."

Dan leaned against his car, and absentmindedly watched the numbers on a gas pump tick upwards. This was followed by a loud _'click' _as the numbers stopped. He grabbed the gas nozzle and removed it from his car, and sat it back its perch on the pump. He glanced up at the gas station.

_What is taking that girl so…_

Suddenly, the door to the station flew open and Pinkie sprinted back to the car.

"Pinkie? Wha…"

"THERE'S NO TIME!" Pinkie exclaimed as others also fled the gas station. "GET IN THE CAR AND LET'S GO!"

Being an expert at fleeing potentially dangerous or illegal situations, Dan quickly entered the car, buckled up and started the engine.

Pinkie, likewise, entered and buckled up as Dan put the car into drive and raced away from the pumps.

"Now, do you mind explaining to me what that was…" Dan was cut off by the sound of multiple explosions. He looked into his rear view mirror to see the gas station engulfed in flames.

Surprise quickly seized Dan's expression as he turned to his passenger who was sporting a large, nervous grin.

"So ummm…You know how they say 'you learn something new every day?'" Pinkie said.

"That is a phrase I'm familiar with, yes." Dan replied.

"Well…today I learned you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave." Pinkie said, maintaining her nervous grin.

There was an audible 'smack' as Dan brought his palm up to his face.

"Oh! Oh! Can I visit the animals?" Pinkie asked excitedly, bouncing up and down.

Dan grabbed a shopping basket and starting walking towards the section in the pet shop marked "Cats". "Go ahead." He replied.

Pinkie flashed a toothy smile and cupped her hands together raising them to her chin as she bounded off into the store.

Dan followed her with his eyes for a bit, shrugged, and continued walking towards the cat food aisle.

Pinkie approached a glass terrarium full of white mice. She glanced to her right, then left, leaned down close to the case, and putting a hand up to help muffle the sound, said "Blink twice if you're being held against your will."

One of the white mice looked up and blinked in rapid succession.

"Let's see…that'll be $23.75." The store clerk read out, placing the last can of cat food into a sturdy looking plastic bag.

Dan took out his wallet and counted the bills inside. Frowning he looked up and called out, "Hey, Pinkie! Can I borrow?.."

Pinkie dashed into sight; followed by a menagerie of mice, ferrets, birds, lizards, and all manner of pet shop animals. "RUN DAN! Animal Prison break! _FREEDOM FOREVER_!" Pinkie declared, throwing both fists into the air as she made her way to the door.

"But I haven't paid!" Dan protested, quickly remembering that he'd rather not, anyhow.

"NO DAN! Don't support their totalitarian regime! We must strike against the oppressive animal aristocracy!" Pinkie announced out as she held open the door for the myriad of recently freed animals.

The shocked store clerk had no time to react as Dan reached for the bag full of canned cat food and clubbed the unsuspecting shop worker with the heavy bag of metal encased meat products across the head.

Pinkie continued to hold open the door as Dan ran past with his bag of cat food cans. "Vive la révolution!" She shouted into the store, slamming the door behind her.

Pinkie stood in front of a large, rectangular object as tears began to form in her eyes. Her sad face reflected back at her as she looked past the glass at various chips, candy bars, and other snack items arranged in neat rows.

Dan took note of his roommate's troubled expression. Dan gave her an exasperated, "What is it now?"

Pinkie pointed at the object in front of her and sobbed out, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS!"

Dan blinked a few times, "It's a vending machine." He reached into his pockets, "Here I think I have…"

Pinkie snapped her fingers, "**I got it! Metal Piñata**!" She was gone in a pink flash, and back just as quickly with her Pink Crowbar, wearing a blindfold.

For one brief, shining second, Dan's world was replaced with the sound of shattering glass, a pink crowbar, and the beautiful pink angel wielding it.

"Uhhh…Dan?" Chris asked.

Dan snapped out of his stupor. "Sorry, I went somewhere for a moment there…"

Chris paused, "So _that's_ why there were so many candy bars, packages of chips, and trail mix at the last Pinkie Party." He said with an index finger pointed upwards in an "Ah-ha!" fashion.

Elise regarded Dan with a raised eyebrow, "Really? Pinkie vandalized a vending machine without figuring out what it was first?"

"In her defense," Dan began, "I did give her a 5-hour energy shot."

Chris and Elise exchanged shocked expressions.

"Dan! Why would you even _think_ to give her one of those?" Elise demanded.

"I had a vendetta against the Van Nuys Airport! I didn't think I'd get away with bringing explosives. I figured hyping up Pinkie on chemicals was the next best thing."

Chris paused, "So _that's_ why they had to shut down the airport for a few days." He said with an index finger pointed upwards in an "Ah-ha!" fashion.

Elise knitted her brow, "Dan, can I see your list?"

Dan pulled out a slightly soggy notepad and handed it to Elise.

Chris sat down next to his wife as she flipped open a few pages. As usual, the notepad was full of random names, things, and esoteric concepts. What was unusual was most were crossed out, some crossed out with pink glitter pen complete with hearts, balloons, and a cheerful looking pony with curly hair doodled in the margins.

Elise and Chris exchanged another worried glance as Elise slowly handed the list back to Dan.

"Do you have any examples of things Pinkie has done that _aren't_ just things you would have done if you thought of them first?" Elise asked from behind her tea cup.

Dan paused. "Not as such, no…" He admitted. "What's your point?"

Elise shrugged. "I think living with Pinkie is really _good_ for you!.. If really _bad_ for everyone else…" Elise said, glancing to the side for a second.

"But, but…" Dan wined, "I used to make giant feasts of meat without having to listen to crying! And sit around in my boxers all day! And even blast music as loud as I want!"

"Gee Dan," Elise responded, "I'm surprised you just don't pick up your bad habits again and drive Pinkie out."

Dan's jaw dropped, "That's a _great_ idea! Thanks Elise!"

Elise's eyes went wide, and she extended a hand out to signify "stop". "No wait, I…"

Dan was out of the furniture/blanket fort, and out of the house in a flash.

Elise's hand dropped along with her expression.

"Oh, come on!" Chris said with a frustrated tone."

Elise sighed, "I know…"

"Whenever _**I**_ come up with an idea, it's 'Glad I thought of it, Chris!'" Chris motioned to Elise with both hands, "But when _**you**_ do it, it's 'Thanks Elise!' Unbelievable!" Chris said, motioning to the sheet ceiling above him with an irritated expression.

Elise sighed as she brought her free palm up to her face.


	27. Chapter 24

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate Chapter 24 Pinkie Vs. Meat Redux

The sun shone brightly through the Dan's bedroom window as Pinkie sat on the bed; though the distinction of the room being his rather than theirs was pretty blurred at this point. She had changed into her white raglan with blue sleeves and the heart on the center, pink skirt with balloons to match her cutie mark, and a light purple ribbon around her waist, feet clothed in socks dangling over the side of the bed.

Pinkie swallowed as she held the closed compact mirror in her hand.

_Well…if anypony can help me here, it's Twilight…_

Pinkie took a deep breath and opened the mirror. "Twilight?" She asked tentatively.

Twilight looked up from the collection of books spread out in front of her. "Oh! Hi Pinkie. What's up?"

"Um…is Spike with you?" Pinkie asked.

Pinkie saw a purple claw wave at her from the side, followed by the rest of the baby dragon. "Hey Pinkie! What's the haps?"

Pinkie smiled weakly, "Hi Spike…erm…is it just the two of you there?"

"Uh, yes Pinkie." Twilight answered. She cocked her head slightly. "Do you need me to get somepony else?"

Pinkie waved her free hand back in forth in front of the mirror, "No, no, no, no, no, no. It's just you two I want to talk to."

Twilight and Spike exchanged confused glances.

"Sure Pinkie, what's wrong?" Twilight asked.

"Can I ask you two a kinda personal question?" Pinkie asked, her normal happy-go-lucky expression replaced with a serious one.

Twilight and Spike exchanged concerned looks.

"Uh….sure Pinkie…" Twilight said with a little apprehension in her voice.

"Do you two ever have trouble…sharing a house, together?"

Spike and Twilight's expression softened to relief.

"Trouble with, Dan, huh?" Twilight guessed.

Pinkie sighed, "Yeah…"

"Why am I not surprised?" Twilight said with a smile, glancing up for a second.

"It's just…well, when we're out together we have _so much fun_, but when we're at the apartment it seems like we're fighting most the time…Does that ever happen with you two?"

"It _might _if Twilight could look up from her books for even two seconds to talk to me." Spike said with a mischievous grin.

"Hey!" Twilight said, matching the grin, "At least I don't commandeer the bath for hours at a time."

"Heh. I'm surprised you even noticed." Spike responded, his grin widening. "Did you schedule enough time to keep note of my bathroom time, or is it catalogued and recorded somewhere?"

"The later, of course. It's in the record book next to your sleep schedule." Twilight's said, grin also widening. "10 hours a night is a bit much, don't you think?" She added with fake concern.

"Yeah well…" Spike pondered a retort for a second "…at least I can dance without looking like I'm walking over burning coals."

Twilight's grin dropped, "Why you little…" She reached over and enveloped the small, purple dragon in her forelegs, following up with a playful noogie.

"Stop! Stop!" Spike pleaded quickly followed by giggles from both him and Twilight as the baby dragon tried, feebly to push the larger, purple, mare away.

"Awww…" Pinkie said at the scene of her two friends play fighting. "Why can't Dan and I be like that?"

Twilight and Spike paused, remembering they had an audience. The two parted, and Twilight cleared her throat. "It just takes time, Pinkie. Spike and I have had lots of time to get used to each other and our little habits." Twilight smiled. "You just got to let him know what things really bug you and figure out what habits you'll just have to adjust to."

"And not showering, brushing your teeth, or eating _any _fruits or vegetables..?"

Twilight's smile dropped. "Those would fall under the former…"

Pinkie gulped, "Erm…Can I ask you two a _really_ personal question?"

Twilight and Spike's expression shifted back towards concerned. "Uh…of course, Pinkie." Twilight responded.

"…Did either of you have a run in with meat when you were at that human world?"

Spike and Twilight looked surprise for a second and then their expressions changed.

Spike stifled a guffaw.

Twilight's went serious.

"Spike, lock the door." Twilight commanded.

"Hehe…Sure Twilight." Spike dashed out of sight.

Twilight looked back towards Pinkie. "What did you eat?" She asked, raising her eyebrows.

Pinkie considered the reactions of her two friends, especially Spike's. "What did _you _eat?" She replied with suspicion in her voice.

"I asked you first!" Twilight said, her eyes narrowing

"Well, I asked you second!" Pinkie retorted, her voice going shrill as she matched Twilight's facial expression.

"Yeah, well…you came to me in the _first_ place."

"Well, you came to me in the _second _place!"

"Pinkie, that doesn't make any sense."

"Uh…" Pinkie paused, then sighed. "Okay, you win… I…" Pinkie began to absent mindedly fidget with the hem of her dress with her free hand. "I had a few bites of a hamburger my first night here…"

Twilight blinked in response, "That's it?"

Pinkie cocked an eyebrow, "That bad, huh?"

Spike popped back into view, "I think Twilight ate about a whole cow worth of meat." He said with a giant grin.

"Spike! I _did_ not!.." Twilight looked back at Pinkie with a nervous grin, her face flushed red. "…partially because not everything I ate _came_ from a cow…"

Pinkie giggled, "Really? What you eat! Tell me, _tell me_!"

Twilight sighed, "Two burgers, a _bacon_ burger, about a plate of bacon, a hotdog, and some sushi…"

Pinkie paused, "Twilight…you were there for like…two days…"

Twilight threw her forehooves up, "I _know_! But it was soooo good, and I was so preoccupied with getting my crown back that I didn't even think to ask what any of it was!" Twilight rubbed a hoof over her eyes, "First, I just got whatever Fluttershy was eating. Which, _of course_, meant I avoided any meat! But then I met everyone else, and they didn't restricted their diets the same way…Heck, I'm pretty sure Applejack _did_ eat about a cow's worth of beef while I was there…"

"When you figure it out?" Pinkie enquired.

"Rainbow Dash got some chicken wings…it was kind of hard to deny that humans ate animals after that."

Spike's grin went full evil and he elbowed Twilight in the ribs, "_Aaaaaaand_?"

Twilight's eyebrows and mouth gravitated towards each other in a crinkled frown, "I ate a chicken wing, anyways…" She admitted.

Pinkie covered her mouth and gasped, "_Reeaallly?!_"

Twilight looked up to the ceiling, raising her hooves to face level on either side of her head and gave them a shake, "I was in a strange world, and I was worried about getting an element of harmony back! I just sort of remembered that animals there couldn't talk or hold complicated social events like dances or science fairs and rationalized that it was okay since I was human at the time…"

Twilight slumped into a heap, "Am I a bad pony?" She asked sadly, looking up at Pinkie.

Pinkie shook her head, "You're not a bad pony, Twilight! You're a _great_ pony! And I mean…maybe you're right…animals here _aren't_ that smart…I tried to organize a revolution at a pet store, and I couldn't even get the mice to wield the toothpicks I brought for them to use as spears!" Pinkie said, miming holding a toothpick with her free hand and making a stabbing motion.

Twilight paused. "Uh, right… Hey Pinkie?"

"Yes Twilight?"

Twilight sat up and smiled again, "Thanks for being understanding. You have no idea how much better I feel."

"Well, Spike understands, don't you Spike?" Pinkie asked.

"I got to eat her scraps!" Spike said happily.

Twilight put on a slightly irritated look, "Spike didn't seem to have much of a moral quandary about any of this…"

Pinkie rubbed the back of her head with her free hand, "I wish I could just figure out my _own_ quandary to get Dan to eat some vegetables."

"Wait, what?" Twilight asked.

"Oh! Well, Dan said he wouldn't eat fruits or vegetables as long as I wouldn't eat meat, so…"

"I'm _pretty_ _sure_ he just said that to get out of eating whatever you were trying to give him, Pinkie." Twilight replied.

"I know, Twilight." Pinkie responded. "But **I'm** _pretty sure _I could convince him to eat them anyways if I call his bluff."

"Really? How's that?" Twilight asked skeptically.

"Oh…a girl has her ways." Pinkie said with a wry grin.

Twilight's eyes went wide for a second and she waved her forehooves in front of her, "Whoa, whoa, never mind. Forget I asked. So anyways," Twilight continued, raising an eyebrow "You're saying if you eat meat, Dan suffers?"

"_Prrrretty_ much, yeah." Pinkie admitted.

Twilight put a foreleg across her chest and supported her other foreleg at the elbow, pointing it up towards her face. She rested half her face on the hoof. "I'm probably going to hate myself in the morning for this but…the Pinkie from the other world didn't have any problems with eating meat."

Pinkie's face lit up, "_REALLY?!_ Do you think she rationalized it, too?!" She asked excitedly.

A corner of Twilight's mouth pulled to the side as she briefly pondered this, "I think she was more of the 'Eat it and not really think about where it comes from' type."

Pinkie chuckled, "Yep, that's me alright." Pinkie stood up. "Thanks you two! You really helped me a lot!"

Twilight smiled warmly at her friend, "Thank _you_, Pinkie."

"Bye Pinkie! Oh! Tell my Accidental Arson Bro that Spike says 'hi' for me, wouldja?"

Pinkie held a thumbs up in view of the mirror, "Will do, Spike."

Pinkie started to close the mirror, but heard a "Pinkie, wait!" from Twilight.

"Yes, Twilight?" Pinkie replied, opening back up the mirror.

Twilight leaned in close to her own mirror and held a hoof up on one side of her mouth, blocking her voice a bit from Spike, "When you get Dan to eat vegetables, can you maybe…take a picture of his face and show me later?" She asked with a small smile and blush.

Pinkie giggled and nodded, "Of course Twilight! In fact, I know someone else who'll want to see that as well…"

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh good, so it's not just me then…"

"Dan kinda has that effect on people…and ponies, it seems." Pinkie said with a smile.

"Heh, yeah I bet." Twilight said with a smile, "Goodbye, Pinkie!"

"Goodbye, Twilight." Pinkie shut the mirror.

Pinkie's smile widened as she walked over to her closet, grabbed her blue boots, put them on her feet, and began lacing them.

Dan opened the apartment door and walked in, a couple of shopping bags in one of his hands. "Pinkie? I'm making lunch." Dan said, finishing his sentence with soft, manically laughter "…Pinkie?"

"Meow." Mr. Mumbles trotted over with another note.

Dan bent down and picked it up.

"To the bestest, most awesome, incredible, bestest, roommate in the whole wide world,

I'm sorry about earlier. (Pinkie had doodled a sad looking pony with pink, curly hair next to this sentence.)

I'll be back soon, OK?

Love,

Pinkie Pie"

Dan's already evil, wide grin grew eviler and wider.

Pinkie stared wide eyed at the section of frozen foods as she paced up and down the aisle.

"Pro!" She said to herself, "Dan will get a number of essential daily vitamins." She said with a smile.

"Con! Dan might get angry and start another fight with me." She said with a frown.

"Pro! Dan will be far less likely to die of any number of health complications later in life." She said with a smile.

"Con…Dan might get _**angry**_ and start another _**fight**_ with me." She said with a frown and a sigh.

Pinkie stopped in front of the frozen vegetables and messaged her temples.

"Miss?" A stout man with blading brown hair, glasses, a red sweater covering a blue shirt and blue tie, black pants, and black shoes asked. "Are you alright? You've been walking up and down the aisle and talking to yourself for almost an hour now."

"Oh! No, I'm _not_ alright! My roommate refuses to eat fruits or vegetables, but I think eating them is really, _really_, **really** important and I don't want him to die of malnutrition so I'm trying to make sure he eats some _everyday_, but this always results in a fight, and I mean, like…really, _really_ bad fights where something gets throw, or destroyed, or set on fire in protest, and sometimes someone gets _hurt_. Not me or him though, always some innocent bystander who gets hit by something Dan throws out the door or window. Amazingly, it seems _every time_ he throws something he hits someone and then they crash into something else and sometimes this will get really, _really, _**really**, _**really**_ bad over the tiniest, littlest, smallest thing like the time he flicked some peanut skins out the car window and I think maybe a biker inhaled the skins or something because he suddenly lost control of his bike and caused a multi-car pileup behind us and this is just the sort of thing that happens every day with us and I'm kinda worried I'm getting desensitized, you know? And now I'm, like, doing highly illegal things without thinking twice, because that's just what you do here. Something makes you angry and you just go on the **warpath** and I'm trying to make sure we don't hurt anyone but it's really hard when it's like everything on this planet seems designed to cause pain or explode for no reason; so now say…when Dan sees something like a modern art sculpture made out of metal and it makes him _just_ **so** _**mad**_ that he pushes it over and it it'll just catch fire, like 'fwosh'"—Pinkie brought her hands up and wiggled her fingers to simulate fire—"I don't think 'How the _**hay**_ did that catch one fire!? It was made completely out of metal!' No, I'm just like, 'Yep. That's on fire now. That's just what happens here. You lightly tap something and it just catches aflame. Yep scary, scary.' Except I'm _**not**_ scared somehow! I just shrug, cross one more thing off the list and we go on our merry way and have lots of fun, and go get ice cream and sorbet because Dan can't have milk or he'll keel over into a ball and it looks really, _really_, _**really**_, REALLY, **REALLY**, painful and I just feel so sorry for him…so what do you think I should do?"

"Ummm…well…eating right is important, but…"

"You're _RIGHT _mister! Eating right **IS** important!" Pinkie resolutely opened the freezer door and pulled out a small bag of frozen broccoli. "I must feed this broccoli to Dan even if it means the complete and utter…probably _nuclear_, desolation of all life on this planet!" She added with determination in her voice. Pinkie smiled and waved to the stout man as she bounded off towards the checkout counters. "Thanks, reoccurring background character!"

The stout man stared blankly after her. "You're welcome…I think…"

Pinkie bounded back to the apartment. As she approached the stairs she started to smell she recognized the smell of cooked meat. A smell she normally associated with fast food restaurants Dan would stop at. She smiled slightly and uttered an audible "Mmmmmm…" the smell starting to conjure images of potentially tasty treats instead of brutally murdered animals that reminded her of her friends back in Equestria. She noted the smell was getting stronger the closer she got to the door of apartment '8'.

_Ooh! Dan must be cooking something. I thought I was going to have to get him to take me to Burgerphile then fight with him to eat something when we got home. This'll be easy-peasy._

Pinkie's grin grew until it made an audible "squee" sound as she clutched the grocery bag to her chest. She opened the apartment door and was immediately hit with the strong smell of cooked meat.

"Welcome back." Dan said with a knowing, wicked grin. "I made lunch." Dan took off his red "Kiss the Jerk" apron and set it in a crinkled mass on the counter.

Pinkie gasped as she looked over the spread on the dining table, which was actually the foosball table with a large, thin piece of plywood over it a couple of folding chairs set up next to it.

_Meatloaf, Hamburgers, Hotdogs, a big plate of bacon…Dan really outdid himself._

"I can see that!" Pinkie said with a big smile. "Just a sec, okay?" Pinkie walked over to the microwave, discreetly pulled something out of the grocery bag, and put it into the microwave. She pushed a few buttons on the device and bounded over to the table.

Dan's smile dropped.

_She seems rather…enthusiastic. Oh well, I have a backup… _

Pinkie sat down in one of the folding chairs.

Dan's smile returned as he pushed a plate full of meatloaf in front of Pinkie. It widened back into an evil grin as she took a bite.

Pinkie's expression went blank as tears started to well up in her eyes.

Dan turned a small bottle that was sitting on the table so Pinkie could read it, "You might say the secret ingredient is '_habanero sauce'_…"

Pinkie slowly swallowed the bit of food in her mouth. "Dan..?"

Dan's evil smile went nuclear arms race, "Yes, Pinkie?"

"THIS IS THE BEST LUNCH I'VE HAD EVER, _EVER_!" Pinkie declared with a gigantic smile.

Dan's smile suffered a nuclear peace treaty, "Ummm…_Really_?"

Pinkie vigorously shook her head as she shoveled more bites into her mouth with an "Mmmm-hmmm! Mmmm-hmmm!"

"Uh, thanks…" Dan said, scratching the back of his head.

Pinkie quickly devoured the contents of her plate and began licking it clean. She presented a completely empty plate to Dan and asked, "More, please!"

'_Beep Beep Beep'_

"Oh! Hold that thought." Pinkie sat up and trotted over to the microwave.

Dan eyed her suspiciously as she pulled out a plate, pulled out a plump bag from the microwave, opened it, and emptied the steaming, green contents into the plate.

_Crud._

Pinkie walked over with the plate of broccoli, "Sorry Dan, but I'm going to make you _eat_ your words." Pinkie said with a grin, placing the plate in front of Dan.

Dan put a pout on his face. "Erm…You know I only said that because…"

"I know _exactly_ why you said it. You're still going to eat." Pinkie insisted.

"But…"

Pinkie's eyes narrowed, "No buts!" She handed Dan a fork. "Eat!" She commanded.

Dan swallowed and grabbed the fork. He speared a tiny green, piece of broccoli and brought it up to his mouth, the fork quivering in his hand. He glanced back up at his roommate, pleading for mercy in his eyes.

The look on Pinkies face made it clear that no quarter would be given.

Dan exhaled and put the tiny piece of broccoli in his mouth. A corner of his mouth pulled up into a sneer as the eye on the same side of his face began twitching. Slowly, he chomped down on the offending vegetable, his face contorting with every bite.

Dan heard a click and looked up to see Pinkie holding her pink camera.

He flashed her an angry glower and after several labored bites, he swallowed. "Elise?"

"No, Twilight." Pinkie responded.

"What is it with girls wanting to watch me suffer?"

Pinkie smiled and shrugged, "You're just the kinda guy girls love to hate, I guess."

Dan narrowed his eyes at Pinkie, "I noticed."

"Er, sorry…I didn't mean _**me**_…" She quickly explained, waving her free hand out in front of her. "Oh, Spike says 'Hi' by the way. How was the broccoli?"

Dan stuck out his tongue and ran his hands over it rapidly, trying to get the taste of broccoli off of it. "That was objectively the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten in my entire life." He answered.

Pinkie rubbed her chin and examined what was on the table with a "Hmmmm…". She grabbed the hot sauce and drowned the remaining broccoli with the bright orange liquid. She looked back up at Dan and motioned to the plate.

Dan furrowed his brow and stabbed another piece of broccoli. He held it up as bright orange drops of hot sauce fell off the plant and back onto the plate. He stuck it into his mouth and chewed.

"_Welllllllllll..?_" Pinkie enquired, as a smile began to emerge on her face.

"All I can taste is hot sauce." Dan responded.

"_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand..?_" Pinkie's smile grew.

"It's ummm…_tolerable_?" Dan offered.

"I'll _take it_!" Pinkie responded, pointing at Dan and beaming.

Dan considered the plate of habanero drenched hot sauced broccoli in front of him while rubbing his stubble. He dished up a large chunk of meatloaf into the orange and green mass and began eating bites of meat and broccoli together.

"Ooh! Ooh! Let _me_ try!" Pinkie enthusiastically grabbed her own fork and began grabbing bites off of Dan's plate. Soon the two had finished the hot sauce soaked contents.

Dan looked across the spread on the table. "Looks like we have our work cut out for us…"

Pinkie grabbed a hot dog bun, added a wiener, a few strips of bacon, mustard, hot sauce, and chomped down. "Souwnd Gwood to mwe!" She said through a mouth full of protein and bread.

Dan sat down and began eating.

_Lunch first, then phase 2. _

A small evil grin returned to Dan's face as he added ketchup to a burger.


	28. Chapter 25

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate Chapter 25 Pinkie Vs. Casual Fridays

Pinkie washed the last of the dishes as Dan collapsed on the couch. The two had ate their fill of meat and even had leftovers that were put away.

_So operation meatocalypse was more like a rapture…that's oaky. There's no way Pinkie will like what's coming next._

Pinkie sat down next to Dan and gave her roommate a smile. "So," She began, "We still have most the day. What do you want to do next?"

The hints of a grin began to emerge at the corners of Dan's mouth.

_She's walking right into it…_

"Casual Friday." Dan explained casually.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. "It's Thursday." She answered, followed by looking up to the ceiling and rubbed her chin. "Or is it?"

Dan raised an index finger, "Casual Friday is not bound by the common Gregorian calendar. It is a state of being that surpasses the known laws of time and space."

"Ooh, ooh! Sounds like fun! What do we do?"

Dan's evil grin returned. He held up an index finger. "Well first," Dan explained, "the _Lords of Casual Fridays_ shun clothing." Dan announced dramatically, followed by him taking off his t-shirt, shoes, socks, and jeans. Soon he was clothed in nothing but his white with red stripes boxers and a giant toothy, evil grin.

Pinkie stared at him blankly, "So we strip down to our underwear?"

Dan's grin stretched to the limits of what his face would allow, "Yep."

Pinkie paused and processed this.

"…Okay." Pinkie replied with a smile and a shrug.

Dan's evil grin reported dead after throwing itself out a five story window. It was thirty seconds old and was born when Dan thought stripping to his boxers and lounging around the apartment would somehow phase someone who spent the vast majority of her life not wearing clothes at all. It is survived by his worried, shocked expression that continues on to watch his roommate unlace her boots, take off her socks, and begin to lift her shirt up.

"Wait!" Dan cried. "I like that outfit."

Pinkie stopped. "I thought you hated this one.

"Uhhh… I _changed my mind_?" He said weakly. "It's the one you were wearing when you first got here…it makes me nostalgic."

_Good save, me._

_A+_

"Awww, that's sweet." Pinkie replied with a warm smile. "Especially since it managed to survive the cupcake you somehow exploded all over my clothes…" Pinkie paused and thought a second, "But I don't want to upset these _Lords of Casual Fridays_, so…"

Nervousness joined shocked and worried on Dan's face and the trio proceeded to throw a party quickly joined by perspiration as Pinkie removed her shirt, undid the purple sash round her waist, and slid down her skirt, kicking it off into a pile of clothing from the two couch occupants.

Dan gulped as he looked over his roommate's body, now clad only in a frilly pink bra, and equally frilly pink panties. He had thought the fact that she was a girl meant she wouldn't even consider this option, now the fact that she was a girl; and a full figured, attractive one at that; was working very much against him and rational thought was quickly becoming little more than a faint memory.

Pinkie turned her almost completely bare back to Dan, "Would you undo my bra for me?" She asked. "I still have trouble with the clasps." She explained.

Color drained from Dan's face as a tiny version of him with three sets of bat-wings, three sets of small horns adorning the sides of his upper forehead, and a black crown that appeared to be made of flaming coal that hovered a few inches off his head, appeared on his shoulder in a puff of black smoke that smelt of brimstone. "DO IT!" He said with an enthusiastic smile of pure devilish delight. "If you play your cards right, you can probably get her _naked_."

A second puff of smoke appeared. This time grey, though still smelling faintly of brimstone. Instead of an angelic version, or even slightly less evil version of Dan. A tiny version of Elise clad in her black ninja robes and red scarf stood. Though she, too, sported a single pair of bat wings and horns.

"Oh, _COME ON_!" Dan shouted at the tiny Elise. "Don't I have to deal with regular Elise enough?!"

The tiny devil Elise glowered at him. "Don't look at _me_. Your slightly less evil conscience got the drop on me and took over _my_ position!"

"Oh well…I guess as long as I'm still tormenting her in some form, that's okay." Dan replied wistfully.

"Anyways," Evil Elise continued. "If you take off that bra and Elise finds out about it, she'll _totally_ emasculate you with her sword. And _**yes**_, I did mean 'emasculate'."

Pinkie pouted "_Awww_…but its soooo tight and constricting!" She whined.

The trio turned back face her, surprise written like an epic trilogy across their collective faces.

"She can see us?!" Really Evil Dan exclaimed.

"Sure I can see you!" Pinkie said with a smile. "Everypony…and everyone, too, it seems has a couple of you guys! It's fun! It's like everybody is a walking party!"

"Uh, do you have a couple as well?" Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Of course!" Pinkie motioned to her shoulders

A, pink, bubbly pony with a curly pink mane and tail bounded in a circle on one of Pinkies shoulders, it chanted "Fun! Fun! Fun!" over and over again ad nauseam.

A second pony with straight hair held a chef's knife in a hoof was on the second shoulder. It may have very well have been pink, but it was impossible to tell as it appeared to be completely drenched in blood that dripped off of it in large, viscous 'plops'. "His soft underbelly is exposed." The pony thrust its knife into the air, then made a series of stabbing motions. "Go for the kill! Eviscerate him and bake his organs into cupcakes!" It ordered. "If you miss the vital ones, you may even get to make him _**watch**_ as you do it before he dies!" It said with a malevolent grin.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." The tiny pink pony responded. "You should throw everyone a huge, ginormous, awesome, gargantuan _party_ instead!"

"A _murder_ party! _Yesssss…_" The blood soaked pony replied. "Do it! Let's _bake_ them all!"

"Uhhh…I can't see them." Dan replied.

Real Evil Dan stared across the small expanse at the couple of consciences sitting and bouncing on Pinkie's bare shoulders. His expression betrayed a sense of dread and fear. "Believe me buddy, you're better off."

Evil Elise chimed in, "Yeah…I'm with RED on this."

RED threw up his hands. "Sorry, pal. You're on your own here. Forgive the Bible reference, but I'm washing my hands of this one."

"I'm outie, too." Evil Elise added. "Just remember what I said about the sword. Hey, RED. Why don't you and I head to Lucifer's and drink until we can't remember today."

"Sounds like a plan, E.E. first rounds on you."

E.E. shrugged and rolled her eyes, "It always is."

In a puff of smoke, the two were gone.

"That's okay! You still have the big one! I bet he has dozens of cupcakes worth of organs in him!"

"Fun! Fun! Fun!"Fun! Fun! Fun!"

Pinkie waved her hands over her shoulders causing the two ponies to disappear in a pink and red puff of smoke. "Shoo! _Shoo!_ You two aren't helping!"

Dan just stared at his roommate, completely unsure of what to do at this point.

"So uhh…I have to keep my bra on?" Pinkie asked.

Dan considered E.E.s words and mustered the last of his will. "Erm…yes…the Lords of Casual Fridays require that bras must remain on…"

Pinkie's face fell into disappointment. "Awww, sexist _jerks_. What is it with all these stupid rules your society has?" She added. "It's always, 'Pinkie, keep your clothes on!' or 'No dancing at the paraplegic support group' and 'Ma'am, it's not legal to mail a box full of whipped cream.'"

"I hear ya…" Dan replied. "But Casual Fridays is a sacred event that has existed for decades. Literal _decades_" He stressed

Pinkie sighed, but her face immediately rebounded to its default, happy self. "Okay, what's next?" Pinkie asked excitedly.

Dan finally remembered he had a phase three. "Oh, uh…we play music."

Pinkie's grin widened. "Sounds like a **blast**! I love music!"

Dan managed to resurrect his grin from the dead. "Oh, it'll be a blast alright…"

He walked over to his CD player, made sure the volume was set to max, and hit 'play'.

The room was immediately filled with the sound of electric guitars and drums. The entire apartment shook with the sound, and even the windows vibrated.

Dan examined his roommate carefully.

Pinkie's face went completely blank. Slowly her pupils began to dilate.

-"_**Hey ho, let's go"**_

Pinkie stood up.

-"_**hey ho, let's go"**_

The hints of a smile appeared on her face.

-"_**hey ho, let's go"**_

The hints turned to clues as her mouth widened.

-"_**hey ho, let's go"**_

Pinkie beamed from ear to ear.

-"_**They're forming in straight line" **_**  
**_**-"They're going through a tight wind"**_

"DAN! THIS IS THE BEST MUSIC IN THE HISTORY OF _**FOREVER**_!" Pinkie shouted over the stereo.

-"_**The kids are losing their minds"**_

"WHAT?!" Dan replied, unsure if he had misheard her or if was hearing another plan end in a giant, world consuming, fiery, punk explosion.

-"_**The Blitzkrieg Bop"**_

-"_**They're piling in the back seat" **_

"I **LOVE** IT!" Pinkie declared

"_**They generate steam heat"**_

"Umm…good…" Dan replied unsure if he should be elated that his roommate loves the Ramones or that his plan was a smoldering pile of ashes at this point.

-"_**Pulsating to the back beat"  
-"The Blitzkrieg Bop"**_

Pinkie bounded up to her roomie, "Dance with me?" She asked, cupping her hands together next to her cheek and shrinking down so she was looking up at Dan with big, blue, hopeful eyes.

_**-"Hey ho, let's go shoot'em in the back now"**_

Dan looked down at her and swallowed, Pinkie's usual, modest attire normally blocked his view from what he was looking at now.

-"_**What they want, I don't know"**_

Dan's resolved was obliterated as two bombshells collided with it and exploded.

-"_**They're all revved up and ready to go"**_

_Well…a couple songs couldn't hurt…_

_**-"They're forming in straight line"**_

Dan smiled, raised his forearms, and began shifting in rhythm to the song. "Sure, Pinkie."

-"_**They're going through a tight wind"  
-"The kids are losing their minds"**_

Pinkie, likewise, raised her hands, and began shifting back in forth in rhythm to the song, an incredibly happy and content smile plastered on her face.

-"_**The Blitzkrieg Bop"**_

-"_**I won't go out with you"  
-"I don't wanna walk around with you"**_

Dan paused from his dancing as he noticed phone light up on the crate that served as a makeshift coffee table. The phone displaying 'Chris' over the green 'Answer' and red 'Ignore' buttons. He walked over, and pressed the green button. "Hey, Chris!"

-"_**I won't walk around by you"**_

"Dan? What's going on? I can barely hear you."

-"_**So why you wanna walk around me?"**_

Dan turned to Pinkie with a sheepish grin and motioned for her to turn the volume down on the CD players.

-"_**OoOoh"**_

-"_**I don't wanna walk around with you."**_

Pinkie ceased dancing to nod with a smile and complied, continuing her dancing when she finished.

"_OoOoh"_

"_I don't wanna walk around with you."_

"Better?" Dan asked.

"Much." Chris answered. "Just wanted to know how the scheme was going."

"Great! Pinkie and have been dancing to the Ramones for the last half an hour almost."

-"_I don't wanna walk around with you."_

_-"I don't wanna walk around with you."_

"…That sounds like the opposite of 'great'." Chris responded

_-"I don't wanna walk around with you."_

"Wait…what was my 'criterion' for great again?" Dan asked, searching the ceiling as if it had the answer.

_-"So why you wanna walk around with me?"_

-"_OooOooh"_

"You were trying to get Pinkie to want to move out."

-"_I don't wanna walk around with you."_

-"_OooOooh"_

Dan paused, "Oh, right…"

-"_I don't wanna walk around with you."_

"…yeah, I don't care about that anymore."

The CD transitioned from the end of _I Don't Want To Walk Around With You _to _Today Your Love, Tomorrow The World_.

-"_1, 2, 3, 4"_

"Wait? Seriously?" Chris asked in a shocked tone.

"Are you kidding? I haven't had this much fun in…possibly ever." Dan admitted, surprising himself as much as anyone.

Pinkie bounded up, "Is that Chris?"

Dan nodded.

"Ask him if he and Elise can make it for dinner!" Pinkie instructed "Tell them we're having _meat_."

"Did she just say meat?!" Chris asked excitedly.

"Yep, Chris. Bacon _and_ beef." Dan replied.

Chris made a giddy hungry sound. "I'll ask. I'll ask _right now_!"

There was beep as Chris terminated the call.

"So," Pinkie began. "Meatloaf?"

A mischievous grin spread across Dan's face, "I'll have to get more hot sauce."

Pinkie smiled, "Naturally."

Tears streamed down Elise's face as she took another bite of meatloaf. Her face was bright red, and every bite was a labor of endurance.

Chris seemed to have an easier time eating the meat. Though his eyes were similarly watery, and face similarly red.

Dan grinned evilly at the couple, seemingly suffering no ill effects from the meal.

Likewise, Pinkie happily devoured her portion.

"So…_cough_…Casual Friday?" Elise asked, attempting to give Dan a death glare, but succeeding in something closer to an angry, red faced frown behind tears.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. "It was a blast! We danced to the Ramones for _hours_!"

"See, she had fun!" A tiny version of Elise in white robes with a halo hovering a few inches above her head said, standing on one of Elise's shoulders. "I think you should really let this one go!" It added, patting the side of Elise's head

"Yeah!" A tiny version of Dan with a set of bat wings and devil horns responded, "He's a stand-up guy!" He said with a grin full of pointed teeth.

_I hate my consciences so much!_

Pinkie smiled at Elise, "Don't worry. I kept my bra on." She informed.

Elise raised an eyebrow, "That's a…_cough_… rather _specific _admission…"

"A little devil told me it was important to you." Pinkie replied, pointing at Elise with her fork.

Elise blinked a few times.

_I never know what to do when she gets weird like this…oh well…I guess she enjoyed herself and Dan didn't take advantage of things too much…_

Pinkie looked over to Dan. "Dan, you haven't touched your salad."

"Eh…I'm full." He replied.

"Dan," Pinkie said in a maternal tone, "You know you need to eat your veggies."

"But they're icky!" Dan whined.

Pinkie passed Dan a bottle of habanero hot sauce.

Dan sighed and drenched his salad in the bright orange sauce, and took a bite.

Chris's and Elise's jaws dropped.

"Dan," Chris said, "are you actually eating vegetables?!"

Dan frowned. "What! I can't taste them over the hot sauce. It's fine!"

Pinkie smiled to herself proudly.

"I can't believe you did it, but you did it, Pinkie!" Elise said. "And to think he was trying to get you to move out this morning."

You could hear a pin drop.

Pinkie wordlessly pushed her folding chair back from the makeshift table and stood up.

"Pinkie!" Dan pleaded, "Wait, I…"

With tears forming in her eyes, Pinkie leaped for the door a few feet away, opened it, and sprinted away.

Elise's heart pounded in her chest as Dan shot her a death glare, the first successful of such from the group this evening.

Dan stood up and walked to the open door, he turned to Elise, rage and anger slowly creeping into his features.

With a huff, he uttered a sarcastic, "Thanks, Elise." And ran out the door.

"Oh, what the heck!" Chris exclaimed.

Elise turned to her husband, "I'm sorry! I don't know what I was thinking."

"He never _thanks_ me!"

"Chris! This is serious!"

Chris stopped and thought about the situation.

_Gee, I really wish I knew what to do here._

A tiny angel and tiny devil version of Chris appeared on either shoulder.

"Keep eating!" Evil Chris ordered. "Food will fill the void in your soul."

"Yes." Angelic Chris added, "It would be a sin to waste such delectable morsels."

_I love my consciences so much!_

Dan ran through the streets of Van Nuys, his breath labored, his muscles burning. Darkness was starting to fall and his concern for Pinkie's safety was overriding his body's commands to slow down.

"Pinkie!" He called out in a hoarse voice, rounding another corner.

He heard a tiny whimper and looked up to see a pink mass of curly hair slumped against a telephone pole.

He attempted to catch his breath as he walked up. A streetlight lit up as he approached and he noticed Pinkie sitting with her knees pulled up, face planted against her legs, and arms clutching her legs, under the same 'Bob the Angry Flower' flyer he had stapled the night he met Pinkie. Though, the weather had taken its toll and it was now a water damaged, sun bleached, faded flyer.

Dan sat down next to Pinkie, "Really? The same place you nearly got mugged? You're like a butterfly to flame."

Pinkie looked up and wiped a layer of tears and snot away from her face with the back of her hand. "Moth. You mean moth…"

Dan allowed himself a small smile, "I like my version, better."

The two sat in silence for a bit.

"Dan..?" Pinkie began, "…I'll move out if that's what you want…it's just…what do I have to do for you to _like_ me?"

Dan shrugged, "You can start by punching Elise in her big mouth."

Pinkie shook her head, "I can't do it."

"Sorry," Dan said with a chuckle, "I know you don't really like violence…"

"No, I mean…Elise is like some sort of super-spy ninja. She'd stop me before I even got close to her face…"

"Heh."

The two went silent once more.

Dan broke the silence this time. "Pinkie…I…what I mean is…I've spent my whole life trying to stay away from other people. For the longest time, that apartment, and the ones before it I got kicked out of, have been my safe haven from everything in the world. I never thought I'd have a roommate, especially not one who wanted to be my friend. I guess…I guess I felt threatened. Like, you were trying to take the one piece of me that was safe from others…But…"

Pinkie turned to look at Dan. Her big, sky-blue eyes finding his green ones in the glow of the streetlight.

Dan met her gaze, stood up, and held out his hand. "Today I realized that I didn't _have_ to fight you. I didn't _want_ to fight you."

Pinkie grabbed Dan's hand as he brought her up to her feet.

"You make me really happy." Dan admitted.

Tears began to reemerge behind Pinkie's eyes.

"…And…I don't think I've ever met anyone who's made me happy…so…"

Dan paused.

"Stay with me, please?" Dan asked with a hopeful smile.

Dan felt himself be enveloped as Pinkie embraced him and began sobbing into his shoulder.

Dan returned the embrace, "There, there, crybaby…"

After some time, Pinkie composed herself. Still holding Dan, she raised her head and whispered into Dan's ear, "Thanks for not making me have to put on the beekeepers outfit."

"Uhhh…sure." Dan replied.

The two parted and began walking back towards the apartment.

"Although," Dan began, "A beekeepers outfit could come in handy."

Pinkie grinned, "I even got a small one for Mr. Mumbles in case you decided to attack the apartment."

"Awwww! That sounds adorable!" Dan responded. "Okay, now I'm kinda sorry I didn't try to drive you out with bees."

"Tell you what. I'll pick up one for you tomorrow. Oh! Can we have hamburgers?"

"Sure Pinkie." Dan responded with a smile.

"And do Casual Friday again?" Pinkie asked with a huge grin.

"I'd love to."

Pinkie's smile dropped a little, "And erm…you'll take a shower?"

Dan sighed. "Fine."

"And brush your teeth?"

"_Fine._"

"And at least eat some fruit or vegetables..?"

Dan paused.

"…fine."

"Yay!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Hey Dan?"

"What?!" Dan replied irritably.

Dan felt something moist press against his cheek as Pinkie's arms looped around his. "You make me really happy, too." She whispered into his ear.

Dan's heart skipped a beat and his face flushed.

Pinkie leaned in closer and rested her head against his.

"Do you think Chris left anything to eat?" Pinkie asked.

"After this long? We'll be lucky if there's even anything left in the fridge."

Slowly, the apartment door opened, revealing Dan and Pinkie Pie.

"Dan!" Elise exclaimed. "You found her. Dan, I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay Elise, we worked it out." Dan replied.

"No Dan, it's not okay. Look, you _have _to punch me in the fa…"

Dan had shifted his weight on "punch" and hit Elise before she even finished 'face'.

_THWOCK_

Elise stumbled back a little, and caught herself. She smiled at Dan as she rubbed her cheek. "Nice thrust."

"Thanks."

"We cool?" Elise asked.

Dan held out a hand, palm up, which Elise gave a hard slap to.

"We cool." Dan answered.

"You two have the most strangest, violentest friendship I've ever seen." Pinkie stated.

"I know, it's weird, right?" Chris asked rhetorically.

"I don't know. I think it's kinda sweet." Pinkie replied.

Chris's face dropped. Partially from what Pinkie said, but mostly because it felt like his insides were on fire. "Oh dear…" He uttered as his stomach made audible churning noises.

Dan crinkled his brow at Chris, "Chris, how much meatloaf and bacon did you eat?"

"Ummm…all of it?" Chris offered with a nervous grin.

"There was like…an entire bottle of habanero sauce in that meatloaf. And even the bacon was drenched in the stuff…" Dan replied.

"But it was soooo good!" Chris whined.

Pinkie looked at Dan and shrugged, "It was really, _really_, **really**, good."

"Um, Chris?" Elise began. "Maybe I should get you home…or to the emergency room…"

"Awww, can't you two stay for dessert?"

Elise smiled, "I _really _think I need to get him home…"

"I understand." Pinkie said. "Next time."

"But…but…_dessert_." Chris moaned, standing up, but slumping onto his wife for support.

Elise draped one of the large man's arm around her shoulders, "Don't do anything stupid, you two."

Dan smiled, "You know us."

Elise maintained her smile as she rolled her eyes, "Unfortunately, I do…Come on Chris." She made her way to the door, dragging Chris with her.

"But…but…" Chris reached out into the apartment as Elise dragged him away.

Pinkie quickly opened the fridge, nabbed something from it, and placed a rainbow colored cupcake into Chris's outstretched hand.

Chris gave a weak, "yaaaaaaaaay…" As Elise dragged him off.

Pinkie poked her head out after them and called, "Bye-byee_**ee**_!" with a wave. She leaned back into the apartment and shut the door.

"So…what now?" She asked.

Dan thought for a second, "I still have a huge pile of punk CDs we can listen to." He said walking over to the stereo.

Pinkie's shirt was off her body and on the floor in a matter of seconds. "Let's rock."

Dan chuckled to himself with a smile, and hit play on the CD player.

_Tomorrow is going to be another beautiful day. _He thought to himself for perhaps the first time in his life.

"_**Hey ho, let's go"**_

"_**hey ho, let's go"**_

"_**hey ho, let's go"**_

"_**hey ho, let's go"**_

_Blitzkrieg Bop_ and _I Don't Want To Walk Around With You _lyrics written by Joey Ramone, Dee Dee Ramone, Tommy Ramone, Johnny Ramone

Copyright: Sire Records


	29. Part 4 Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate Epilogue/Part 4.5 Prologue

The crescent moon hung like a wounded animal in dark. Dim stars dotted the heavens. Stars mostly smothered by black clouds that blotted the sky. Beneath lay a dark forest, a twisting mass of large, imposing trees with branches that snaked out in all directions. Below them was an unforgiving landscape of large rocks that jutted out like daggers from the ground, and moss covered remains of long dead trees being slowly consumed by the forest itself. The warped branches of these trees jutted up from the ground like twisted, broken limbs desperately trying to reach out the ground towards the forest canopy.

Pinkie ran through the hazardous maw of the dark forest as if her life depended on it.

Mostly because it did.

The seven foot tall, chain-saw wielding, hockey masked killer was hot on her heels.

Her _high_ heels in this case.

_Why the __**hay**__ am I even wearing these?! I didn't think I even owned a pair…_

As if on cue, a heel broke and Pinkie went tumbling to the ground, banging her body on all manner of sharp rocks and painful looking branches that stabbed and cut her flesh until a large, shattered tree stump stopped her. Its remains shooting up into the sky like a collection of swords and spears.

Pinkie rubbed her sore, bruised, and cut body. Her vision blurred as something warm and viscous started to flow into her eyes.

Pinkie wiped at her face and examined her hand closely. Her now red hand shone sickly in the dingy moonlight.

_I must have cut my head in the fall. I need to keep going! The killer…_

Pinkie heard the sound of a chain-saw revving and looked up as the color drained from her face. The hockey masked killer was quickly approaching. The forest seemingly giving way to him as he charged, as if his malevolent presence even frightened the very woodland that had brought Pinkie to her knees.

Pinkie tried to sit up, but felt something clutching at her dress.

She looked down at the skimpy cocktail dress she was wearing.

_Oh, I don't believe this! There's barely a sash's worth of material on this thing and it manages to get caught on a thorn bush._

Pinkie struggled to rip free as the remorseless thorn bush held fast, cutting dozens of tiny lacerations into her thigh.

_Why am I even dressed like this?! Was it my goal to get hit on by as many creepy guys as possible tonight?!_

Pinkie's train of thought derailed in a fiery crash killing all on board as the chain-saw noise exploded into a crescendo of buzzing fury.

She looked up to see the killer mere feet away from her. Chain-saw held high above his head, glinting sharply in the moonlight.

A lump caught in Pinkie's throat, but escaped into a blood curdling scream as the saw came down upon her body.

"_**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

Pinkie sat up in the bed. "Ouch!" She exclaimed as she hit her head on the lamp suspended above the bed.

_WHY DID DAN EVEN PUT THAT LAMP THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!_

Pinkie raised a hand to stop the swinging pendulum of pain manifest in lamp form. Her pink pajamas soaked through. Her breathing labored as she took stock of her surroundings.

She was in the bedroom at Dan and her apartment. Tiny beams of streetlight shown through the window blinds, covering her and the bed in tiny lines made of electric light.

"Dan, I…" Panic gripped Pinkie as she realized her roommate was not in the bed. She swallowed feeling very much alone and terrified of the sudden vast emptiness that seemed to consume the tiny apartment.

"Dan?" Pinkie called out, in a frightened tone. "Dan, where are you? I'm scared and…"

"CHEMICAL PLANT EXPLOSION!" Dan screamed, suddenly popping up from under the bed.

Pinkie made a loud, startled "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!" and fell off the bed with a loud 'THUMP'.

"NOXIOUS FUMES ARE COMING THIS WAY! KILLING ALL WHO INHALE THEM!" Dan continued.

Pinkie was on her feet in a flash, "Right! Situation 'C'. I'll go get…"

"Also, those who inhale the fumes raise back to life with a hunger for the flesh of the living." Dan added.

"Ooooooo! Situation 'C' plus 'Z'…wait." Pinkie paused as a small smile appeared on her face. "Romero or Snyder?"

Dan reached up to pat his taller roommate on the head, "Very good, young padawan. Romero." He answered.

Pinkie smiled large enough to make an audible 'squee' sound. "I'll get my bag, the gas-masks, my crowbar, and the rifle." She sang out, bounding towards the closet.

"And I'll grab Mr. Mumbles, the cross-bow, my hatchet, and the car." Dan replied.

"Meet you outside?" Pinkie asked as she donned a pair of pink flats, her cutie mark painted on the tops in acrylic paint.

"Yep!" Dan replied as Mr. Mumbles bounded up to him with a "meow", running up his outstretched hand.

Pinkie excitedly opened the door to the apartment and shut it behind her, pink crowbar in hand, her pink bag slung diagonally across a shoulder, a black satchel slung diagonally across the other. A brown strap also crossed her chest parallel to the black strap, and the butt of a wood grain rifle protruded up over a shoulder. She giddily put her foot on the rail to the second story walkway and looked over. Dan had already positioned the car. Pinkie managed to awkwardly pull her weight onto the walkway railing and fell forward, spreading out her arms and legs as she impacted the roof of the red hatchback below.

'_THOWK'_

Dan glanced up at the roof of his car at the sound of someone flinging themselves onto it. A petite hand appeared from the passenger side window, pink finger nails and feminine fingers arranged in the sign of "A-ok".

Pink flats entered the car through the window; followed by pink, pajama clad legs; a pink bag and a black bag; a women's pink, pajama clad torso crisscrossed with straps of varying color; a woman's bright, smiling face; bright pink, curly hair; the butt of a rifle; and finally, pink, pajama clad arms attached to slim hands and fingers.

"How'd I do?! How'd I do?!" Pinkie asked excitedly from the passenger seat.

Dan gave her a giant grin and wagged his finger back and forth, "Nu-uh-uh. Aren't you forgetting something?"

Pinkie thought for a second and looked down. "Aw, _nerts_!" She exclaimed, reaching for her seatbelt and buckling it.

Dan clicked a stopwatch then produced a sheet of paper on a clipboard marking a number of places with a pen, "Not bad. Not bad at all." He commented. "I had to ding you for the seatbelt, but you reacted quickly, remembered all the right things, and got out of the apartment in record time despite having to grab extra gear. This is a personal best for you."

"_Yes_!" Pinkie exclaimed to herself with a smile and a fist pump. She closed her eyes, leaned back into her seat, and quietly began to hum the _Laughter Song_ to herself.

Dan started the car, and pushed a tape into the tape player embedded in the dash. Soon the sound of a rhythm bass and electric piano filled the car.

"Hungry?" Dan asked, I'm thinking…Lenny's." Dan shifted the rearview mirror so Pinkie could see into the backseat.

The sound of music was quickly joined by Pinkie's laugher. "You got it out of storage, I see."

-"_Ooo. you make me live"_

The backseat sat occupied by a change of clothes for Pinkie, Mr. Mumbles, and the pancake thrower the two had constructed sometime prior.

-"_whatever this world can give to me"_

"What can I say? I'm a man who likes pancakes." Dan said, grinning mischievously.

-"_It's you, you're all I see"_

"Mostly when their flying through the air at dangerous speeds, though." Dan admitted.

-"_Ooo, you make me live now honey"_

Pinkie smiled, "Sounds like a funderful, evening…morning."

-"_Ooo, you make me live"_

Dan pulled out into the street.

_-"You're the best friend"_

-"_that I ever had"_

"Hey, things seemed…_intense_ when you woke up. Did you want to talk about it?" Dan asked.

"_I've been with you such a long time"_

Pinkie thought about this with an audible "Hmmmmm…"

-"_You're my sunshine"_

"Nope." She answered with a smile.

-"_And I want you to know"_

Dan smiled and shrugged, "Oaky. Just remember that I'm always here if you need to talk."

"_That my feelings are true"_

-"_I really love you"_

Pinkie reached over to the steering wheel and gave Dan's hand a squeeze. "I know, Dan." She said warmly.

-"_Ooo, You're my best friend"_

The red hatchback drove off into the streetlight, carrying an oddly content misanthrope, a pink pony turned human who felt her fears melt away, a cat who understood English, and enough weapons and gear to survive a chemically created zombie hoard.

_-"Ooo, you make me live"_

_+ooooooo+_

"Are you sure _this_ is a good idea?" Spike asked for about the half dozenth time. "You remember what happened the _last_ time you used time magic." He added.

Twilight's horn glowed, casting a purple light all over the vast, stone room and the books spread out all over it, her own the only source of illumination. "It'll be fine!" Twilight assured, "We're just going to observe the past through a viewport. Given how things went that last time I traveled to the past, I doubt actually going back would be a good idea…"

"Alright…" Spike said tentatively, "If you're sure…"

"As sure as I'll ever be…" Twilight admitted softly to herself.

A purple beam shot out from her horn and stopped in a spiral of purple light a few yards in front of her, eventually it faded revealing a large plate sized window. The room darkened as the dim light from the portal became the only light in the room.

Twilight and Spike looked into the portal, observing the six ponies from the past.

Spike drew close to Twilight, "Can they hear us?" He whispered.

"No," Twilight responded in a whisper. "The portal only transfers images and maybe magic…"

"Oh…then why are _you_ whispering?"

Twilight shushed the baby dragon, "I'm trying to concentrate! I need to use my magic to sense what happened without creating any light…it's harder than it looks."

"Sorry…" Spike whispered.

The two paused as the Twilight on the other side of the portal opened the door.

"Hey it's me! Looking _good_, Spike!" Spike exclaimed.

"_Shhhhhhhhhhhhh…"_

The two watched as a blue glow began to emanate through the recently opened door.

Suddenly, the room was filled with red light from behind Spike and Twilight. A red bolt shot out of the darkness of the room, shot through the portal, intercepting a blue blast that was headed straight for Pinkie. The combined red and blue bolt hit Pinkie, and she was gone.

Twilight quickly closed the portal.

"What happened?!" Spike fearfully exclaimed.

"I don't…" Twilight used her magic, attempting to sense the residual energies of the bolt just fired through the very room. A small feeling of disorder and chaos entered through her horn, and traveled down like a tremor.

"I _know_ who's responsible." Twilight said, her eyes narrowing as determination entered her expression.

"You do? Who is it?"

Twilight raised a forehoof into the air and shouted at the heavens.

"_**DISCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!"**_

_**Twilight Sparkle Vs.**_

_**Discord**_

End part…

"No need to _shout _I'm just down the hall!"

…

End Part 4…

Sorta.

_You're my bes_t friend Written by John Deacon.

Copyright Emi Music Publishing


	30. Chapter 26

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 4.5 Twilight Sparkle Vs. Discord Chapter 26

-oooooooooo-

Discord grinned to himself behind his upside down tea cup as the door to his room slammed open, revealing a furious looking purple Alicorn.

"DISCORD!" Twilight yelled in an accusatory tone. She pointed a forehoof at the Draconequus. "I _know_ it was you."

"Oh come now, Twilight Sparkle. Aren't you the one always looking for all the facts before jumping to any"—Discord turned his head a complete 180, opened his mouth wide, and emptied the contents of his cup into his mouth—"_wild_ conclusions?" Discord grin widened as he, threw the teacup away. Its existence terminated in a fiery explosion as it hit the wall. "Come, come now. Have a seat and let's talk about this…"

Twilight shot him a glare, "I'd imagine I would have trouble with that."

Discord looked over the room. Bright, colorful lamps, floated at random intervals around the room, and paintings that seemed little more than bright blotches of color adorned the walls. Most the furniture was currently floating a few feet away from the ceiling, upside-down. Including the chair Discord was sitting on. A rocking chair orbited the center. It spinning randomly in all directions at a frantic speed.

Discord grabbed his head, and pulled it back into place with a snap, using his neck to roll it slightly back and forth. Discord sighed, "Very well. Have it your way." He snapped his eagle claw, and all furniture and decor vanished, leaving a nearly barren room with the exception of a few plain looking lamps on the walls, the purple alicorn, and Discord himself.

"There! Nice, plain, _boring_." Discord said with a sneer. "Just the way you ponies like it." Discord lowered himself to a horizontal position, lounging on thin air.

Twilight glowered at him, "Fine! I don't need to sit. But _tell me, _why did you send Pinkie away and how do we get her back?!" Twilight demanded.

Discord's eye's rolled in a very literal sense as his mouth pulled into a sneer, "Oh, there you go again! You get one lead, and now you're barking up my tree," Discord snapped his claw again and a tree sprouted from the ground, quickly growing to contain him in his lounging position, "and it's the wrong one."

"Don't play games with _me _Discord! I know it was you who fired that red bolt into the past!" Twilight asserted.

Discord motioned his claw out to the purple Alicorn, "Now _THAT _is a cold hard fact. Still! I'm surprised you didn't come see me sooner." Discord snaked out of the tree, and slithered across the ground towards Twilight. He sat up as he approached, his head up at her level. He stroked a lion paw across her cheek. "Too scared to talk to Uncle Discord?" Discord pouted. "I'm hurt."

Twilight glared at him. "Why would I come to see you before?"

Discord quickly sat upright and looked down at Twilight in surprise, "Don't tell me you couldn't figure out the clue I left on the computer. It was _hardly_ subtle.

"Clue? What clue? There wasn't…"

-oooooooooo-

Dan picked up the mirror and faced it towards the screen, "See, 'Too purple'? The _people_ got it covered."

Twilight ignored the comment, simply happy for the progress. "Great, no let's try to find some clues!"

Pinkie stroked her chin, thinking about the picture and password, "Clues, eh…well…"

Dan placed a hand on his roommates face and pushed her out of the way. "Clues, _shmues_. Let's fire up the internet on this baby." Dan said grinning, putting down the mirror and rubbing his palms together.

-oooooooooo-

Twilight glanced to the side with a sneer and uttered an angry. "Dan!"

Discord broke into an uproarious fit of laughter.

"Hehehehehe…" Discord wiped away a tear. "Oh this is _priceless_! The delicious chaos that man leaves in his wake has been the most fun I've had in _ages_!"

"Wait! So you _did_ plan this!" Twilight accused.

Discords grin turned devilish, "Not exactly… I had no idea _The Order Keepers _would strike, and it took me a while to figure out_ I_ had a part to play in their little exile of our mutual pink pony friend. Or already played, such as it were…"

Twilight's jaw dropped, "You know what _The Order Keepers _are?!"

Discord sighed, "Twilight, this is probably going to be a long, tedious conversation. Why don't you go get us a couple of comfortable chairs?" Discord motioned to the tree with his lion paw. "The tree is far less comfortable than it looks."

"Why don't _you_ just _magic _some seats?" Twilight shot back.

"Oh, I don't know _Princess_, why don't you just order some _servants_ to bring some?" Discord retorted with a sly grin.

Twilight made a frustrated growl, "You'll answer my questions, then?"

"Of course!" Discord replied.

"_Honestly_?"

"Yes, yes." Discord said, waving his claw at Twilight dismissively.

"And _no _funny business?"

Discord chuckled, "Don't ask for promises you know I can't keep."

Twilight glared at the Draconequus and stormed out of the room.

Discord steepled his talon and paw together, lightly tapping his digits against each other.

Soon, Twilight returned to the barren room, the tree seemingly having been dismissed. Fluttershy and Flash Sentry followed. A red loveseat, easy-chair, and couch followed the pony procession held aloft by a purple glow.

Discord smirked, "I see you brought your trump card. By why your beau? Afraid you'll need the moral support?" Discord asked cocking his head to the side.

Flash shot Discord and angry look and leveled a hoof at him, "I'm her guard. It's my duty to protect her."

"Oooooo! I'm so scared!" Discord exclaimed bringing claw and paw up to his smiling face. "What are you going to do if things get too hot? Bring your _princess_ a refreshing beverage?"

"Discord!" Fluttershy rang out. "That's enough! Behave yourself."

Discord sighed, "Fine, fine."

Twilight arranged the furniture in a neat circle around the room. Flash and she sat on the loveseat, Fluttershy climbed up onto the easy-chair. The ponies sat down on their haunches. Discord lounged horizontally on the couch.

"So…" Twilight began. "What _did _that red blast _do_ exactly?"

Discord smiled again and held a pointed eagle claw up, waving it slightly at Twilight, "An excellent question, my dear. The red blast served to misdirect Pinkie's intended destination. Additionally, it allowed me to provide her with supplies she would need to survive the unforgiving world she ended up on."

"Why _that_ world?" Twilight added.

"Well, apparently I had already chosen it, who am I to toy with causality's merry game?" Discord asked rhetorically with a grin.

"A self-proclaimed master of chaos." Twilight reminded.

Discord raised his forelimbs up in a shrug, "Fair enough. But by the time I pieced together what had happened, I had no desire to even attempt to change the past. Dan plus Pinkie Pie meant an endless stream of flowing chaos in that world, and what's more, she seems _happy _to stay by the side of that little ball of terror. A _much _better realm than those dull, old _Order Keepers_ would have sent her to."

"Am I to understand you did Pinkie a favor?" Twilight enquired.

Discord rolled his eagle talon claw side up, "But of course!"

"Do you know where she would have been sent?"

Discord nodded.

There was a pause.

"…Care to _share _this information with us?!" Twilight asked in a frustrated tone of voice.

"Oh, I can do better than that." Discord snapped his talon and the bare walls and floor gave way to a serene looking jungle. Fruits and berries adorned all the plants, and a clear stream flowed through the trees and between the furniture arranged on the ground.

"Pretty…" Fluttershy murmured.

"Seriously?" Twilight asked, "Dan's world is better than this?" Twilight asked motioning to their surroundings.

Discord through his head back and laughed, "Hahahaha…Twilight, Twilight, _Twilight_. Always looking at what's in front of her. _Never _considering the big picture! It's not what you see." Discord waved a hand in front of his eyes, they disappeared from his face. "It's what you _don't_ see!"

The trio of ponies looked around their surroundings.

"What? It's peaceful…" Twilight offered.

"There's nopony else _here_." Flash stated.

"Ahhhh…So your beau does have some use." Discord said, lowering his paw to the ground as his eyes rolled back up it and into their perch on his face. "Yes. It's a garden of endless fruits, clean water, always perfect weather, and not another soul in the entire **dimension**. Accommodating only the most basic needs of the occupant. No technology, no tools, and no _mirrors_ or other troublesome devices that might allow someone to contact the occupant. Just the sort of dull place _The Order Keepers _think would be perfect for a troublemaker while conforming with a type of mercy that they think makes their actions justifiable." Discord suddenly disappeared from his seat, and reappeared, small, long and limbless, snaking his way through the trees and bushes of the land."A lifetime spent in solitary confinement in a Garden of Eden, as the humans might say… A paradise that would quickly turn into our young friend's Hell." Discord suddenly reappeared upright on the couch, and snapped his fingers turning the jungle into a gloomy, barren place of rocks, holes, and caves. The holes glowed orange as if something fiery laid below them

Discord continued. "How long would it be until our pink pony friend snapped without anypony or anyone to talk to? Years? Months? Maybe only weeks. Her only friends would be the rocks and branches she collected. How long do you suppose it would take her to give into madness?" Discords smile faded into grimness across his face, "How long do you suppose it would take her to give up on life?" A nose appeared around Discords neck and tightened. Discord's eyes bulged as he stuck out his tongue.

A visible chill ran across the trio of ponies.

"Okay…I'll concede that this is much better for Pinkie…and us even." Twilight said. "Still, it seems rather…_deterministic_ of you."

Discord smiled and shrugged as his prop disappeared, "As I said. The outcome made me happy. It's even made Pinkie happy. I can think of no greater alternative than to introduce her to a kindred spirit."

"Kindred?!" Twilight exclaimed, "They're practically complete opposites!"

"Oh, there's that short sightedness of yours again. I'll grant that their temperaments are night and day, but they both approach situations with a creativeness and impulsiveness that makes _me _green with envy!" Discord's multicolored body changed to green to emphasize the point. "Like it or not, _Princess_, they seem to really enjoy each other's company. Two little perfect partners in chaos riding a runaway train neither cares to stop." Discord mused as his color returned.

Twilight sighed.

_They do seem to get along, for the most part. And Pinkie seems really happy to be with Dan even when things get a little too chaotic even for her. Maybe they do understand each other on a level none of us can really comprehend… _

"Alright, then. Tell me what you know about _The Order Keepers." _

Discord frowned slightly, "I'm sorry princess; I said I'd answer your questions. Not give into your demands." Discord answered with a dismissive wave of his talon.

"Ulg! Fine. What do you know about _The Order Keepers?_" Twilight rephrased.

"Quite a bit, I suppose. They're ancient. Much older than me, or likely even Equestria. They weren't always the dull, dark blue, clouds of gloom you encountered. I was told they once were a race of humanoids, or some such. Tell me, Twilight Sparkle, how much do you know about magic?"

Twilight's eyes narrowed, "Is that supposed to be a joke?"

Discord chuckled to himself, "No, no joke. But how much time have you spent thinking about where magic comes from?"

"I…" Twilight began to sweat as if she was taking a test she hadn't studied for, "…I know unicorns are born with the potential to use magic…"

"Yes, but that ability doesn't just pop out of thin air." Discord explained.

Twilight sighed, "Okay, what do _you _know about magic?"

"Well, I know this entire world is almost composed of the stuff. As am I…as are Princess Luna and Celestia…" Discord grinned with eyes that narrowed to slits. "…as are you, Ms. Element of Magic."

Twilight looked visibly shaken.

Flash reached over and put a supportive hoof on Twilight's, while shooting a glare at Discord.

"Discord…" Fluttershy uttered in a warning tone.

Discord raised his hands apologetically, "Sorry. It was not my intention to unnerve everypony." Discord's head inflated as if it were being filled with air. "I'll get to the point." He produced a pin and popped his own head.

The room dimmed and in the center a collection of stars and galaxies appeared; as flowing, bright blue lines, ran through the microcosm of a cosmos. Discords disembodied head floated out of the darkness and continued his explanation, "There are paths of magic that travel through all of know existence, some call them ley lines, dragon lines, etcetera." Discord said, pointing out the blue lines with his long, thin tongue. "The very planet itself exists in the path of one such line." Discords tongue encircled an area, suddenly the collection of bright points expanded in size, moving past the occupants of the room as they grew, and a small planet with a tiny moon and sun orbiting it floated in the center of Discord's tongue, a blue, wavy line traveling over and encompassing the heavenly bodies. "And those that can tap into this power become literal demi-gods of power. Exciting, no?" Discord asked raising his eyebrows, as his body reached out for his head, and screwed it back into place.

Twilight pondered this.

_Mental note: See if Discord could help me study this._

…_Bring Fluttershy…_

"Okay, so Equestria is magic. What does this have to do with _The Order Keepers?"_

"Excuse me, but can we come up with a shorter name, or an acronym, or _something_ here?" Flash interrupted. "This sinister uttering of the words '_The Order Keepers' _is starting to get on my nerves."

"Uhhh…_The Keepers_?" Twilight suggested.

"TOK?" Fluttershy suggested.

Discord stroked his beard, "I like it. Alright, TOK it is."

"Alright, so the TOK…" Twilight began.

"No, it's not _THE_ TOK." Discord insisted. "That would be 'the The Order Keepers.'" Discord said in a mocking tone with air quotes. "That would be silly. It's just TOK."

"Ulg! _Fine_, so _TOK_, what does magic have to do with them?"

"They're the current occupants of the intersection of _all _ley lines. The Nexus. A source of unimaginable power. As such, they've tasked themselves with the upkeep of all known worlds, at least, how they see fit." Discord explained.

"The Nexus?" Twilight asked.

Discord snapped his claw again and the the stars and galaxies gave way to a barren, flat, dark, blue, foggy landscape. "This is what it looks like now. What it did before TOK took over I couldn't say. I know they're the ones who turned it into the dark, boring expanse of clouds and nothing you see, forcing their very will upon their surroundings. Uneventful and unchanging. It suits them quite well."

"How do you know so much about them?" Twilight asked in a suspicious tone.

Discord smiled, "Another _excellent_ question. They've had a hand, or" Discord waved his eagle claw about, it waved around like limp spaghetti," …wavy…blue, black…cloud…thing in many of Equestria's important events. The Princesses of the Sun and the Moon, the Elements of Harmony…"

"What?! But Starswirl the bearded…" Twilight began.

Discord waved his claw dismissively, it fell limp at the end of his arm. "Yes, yes, but they're likely the ones who helped him tap into the great magic _well_ that the planet sits in. A pair of princesses that balance each other and a collection of stones that help restore order when needed; their unexciting thought process is written all over such things."

"But…you've encountered them before? I mean…you'd have to if you know all this!" Twilight asserted.

"We disagree on… almost everything, frankly, and planets that sit on or near ley lines tend to get a bit more attention from TOK, as they're the easiest to keep tabs on from the Nexus _and_ tend to give rise to the largest threats." Discord put on a bored expression. "They tried a number of tactics to get me to comply with their vision. First talking…then attack." Discord grinned evilly. "Trouble was, this was _my _realm at the time. As powerful as they were, the magic of this world can be used against them. Hence why they ultimately opted for a subtler approach to make sure I was, shall we say…indisposed."

"That's also why they struck suddenly and unannounced this time around." Discord added. "They wanted to relocate Pinkie and head back to The Nexus as soon as possible. It's safer for them there. They're practically immortal and unkillable within the energies of The Nexus…not to mention nearly unreachable." Discord added, shrinking his arms to tiny, T-rex like limbs against his body.

"Okay, but why _Pinkie_?" Twilight asked.

"Come now, it should be apparent that Pinkie has any number of abilities that don't seem bound by the laws of nature _or_ magic. TOK must have determined she was a threat, or at least a potential one."

"A threat?" Fluttershy asked, surprised. "Pinkie Pie would never hurt anyone."

"_Prior_ to meeting Dan, you mean." Twilight added glancing at the yellow pegasus.

"Well…_yeah_…that's probably true…" Fluttershy admitted weekly. "Still, she hadn't even _met_ Dan yet" Fluttershy thought back to the day she met Dan "...and to be fair," Fluttershy added "It's probably usually Dan she attacks."

"Well, you got me there." Twilight admitted. "He does tend to have that effect…"

Discord's limbs returned to their usually size, and he raised his paw to his mouth, cleared his throat to regain everypony's attention. "I didn't necessarily mean a threat to _them_, per se." Discord qualified. "Pinkie disrupts or _warps_ the very fabric of reality."

"And you don't?" Twilight asked raising an eyelid.

"Sadly, my magic, as formidable as it is,is still constrained by certain laws and limitations. Pinkie, on the other paw," Discord motioned with his lion paw, "may only be limited by what she wants to do. Not the sort of entity TOK would suffer to let disrupt the universe."

Twilight crinkled her brow, "So…they were trying to relocate Pinkie to help save the universe?"

Discord paused and went wide eyed, suddenly breaking into fits of laughter.

"What's so funny?" Twilight demanded.

"Haha…Sorry, I just don't think I'll _ever _get used to how _naive_ you ponies are. Someone sticks 'Order' in their name and suddenly they're a paragon of goodness."

"So…what then?" Twilight asked.

"Hmmmm…perhaps it would be better to show you." Discord waved his lion paw about in the same manner one might to waft smoke or a smell away from themselves. As he did, the blue black fog dissipated revealing an indigo sky of stars.

"Now Twilight Sparkle, you always have that head of yours lost in books. Perhaps you can enlighten us all onto what would cause the cosmos to turn blue."

"Ha, too easy." Twilight responded, "A blueshift."

"…What's a blueshift?" Flash asked.

Twilight smiled. "Oh! Well you know how the universe is constantly expanding?"

"Uh…sure?"

"That's a redshift, it's the state our universe is currently in. A _blueshift_ is, of course, when the universe _stops _expanding, and in fact, starts to contract in on itself, eventually massing into a giant singularity."

"Right, forget I asked."

Twilight blushed slightly with a sheepish grin at Flash and turned back to Discord. "Wait? So they're waiting for the universe…"

"_All_ universes." Discord corrected.

"ALL universes to blueshift?!"

"Not quite, they want to universes to come to an end." Discord corrected.

"That would take…eons! Trillions and Trillions of years! If not longer…and…_heck_… There's not even a guarantee a universe _would_ blueshift…it could succumb to heat death, or tear apart in _expansion_, or…"

Discord held up his talon signifying for Twilight to stop. "It's not important how the universes end. Simply _that_ they end."

"But, that would still take an unimaginable amount of time!"

Discord steepled his fingers, "Ah, my young, young princess. You have much to learn about being immortal. TOK have all the time they need. They're playing the most boring of boring games," Discord said with a scowl, "a waiting game. Once a universe's journey is done, they're free to rebuild as they see fit, or even just make sure the universe stays dead. As beings which have had potentially millions or billions of years to keep themselves busy, I'm sure they _have_ imagined or even calculated to the nanosecond the time when all universes shall end."

"So…Pinkie was going to be exiled because she was potentially going to stave off a great crunch…or heat death…or?.."

"Yes, yes, we're all very impressed with your astronomy knowledge Twilight." Discord said, silencing the purple alicorn. "And it's true to some extent. Pinkie is capable of creating energy out of seemingly nothing. Though, this usually just manifests as harmless physics law breaking here. Who knows, they may have simply exiled her because she threw their precious calculation off by a few milliseconds." Discord said mockingly.

Twilight blinked a few times, "Do you really think they're that heartless?"

Discord chuckled, "When counting down the eons of time is the _only _thing you care about, I'm sure disrupting that unimaginable monotonous activity would be considered rather unforgivable."

"Well… why haven't they simply tried to send Pinkie away, again?"

Discord shrugged, "I can't do much more than speculate here…but Dan's world is quite far from any ley lines. It's also naturally prone to chaos and events that don't seem to conform to any governed laws. Less the type of world TOK keeps tabs on and more the type they hope ends prematurely when say…an occupant attempts to kill a family of squirrels using a method that would destroy the entire planet's population."

"Oh my! Those poor squirrels." Fluttershy commented.

"Seriously? It's the squirrels you're concerned about in that situation?" Twilight asked, turning to Fluttershy.

"Well…I guess other animals would die as well…" Fluttershy added.

Twilight shook her head as if to clear it, "Well, do you know how to get Pinkie back?" She asked Discord.

"If I could do _that, _I'd have already whisked her and her angry friend here in an instant!" Discord grinned evilly. "Could you just imagine the chaos those two would cause in Equestria?" Miniature, fiery mushroom clouds exploded across the flat landscape. "I'd never have to create my own entertainment ever again!"

Twilight shuttered.

_Let's hope Dan never ends up here…_

"Anyhow," Discord continued, "TOK's control of The Nexus allows them to control almost all travel between worlds. The only exceptions tend to be special artifacts, such as that mirror you used when you had a human adventure of your own, Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight's heart sank, the prospect of getting Pinkie back having just taken a major blow.

"So…There's nothing we can do?" Twilight asked.

"Well, if we can somehow determine how to create a similar artifact to the mirror to serve as a gateway for Pinkie…but I'm afraid such things are rare to come by and even more rarely documented."

Twilight sighed, "Believe me I know. There's _no _information on that mirror regarding who created it or even why. Let alone, how to make another…" Twilight put on a determined expression, "But I'm not giving up. I'm sure there's _some_ way we can get Pinkie back."

"So!" Discord said with a smile, "I trust I've answered all your questions to your satisfactory?"

"Just one more." Twilight said, her eyes narrowing. "Once you figured all this out, why didn't you come to us instead of waiting for me to come to you" Twilight demanded, leveling a forehoof at Discord.

Discord grinned malevolently, "Of you know…I have to get my fun from _somewhere _and I can't very well go around rearranging cities as I see fit, anymore."

Twilight looked like she was about to retort angrily, but Discord shoot her with a glare and held up a hand. "Or maybe," He continued with a serious expression, pointing back at Twilight with an outstretched talon, "I wanted to teach the new _princess_ that being a competent leader means more than simply turning to books and friends when she needs help."

Twilights hoof and expression dropped as she slowly broke eye contact with Discord and looked down at the still barren floor.

For the first time since her transformation, Princess Twilight Sparkle felt very small.

Flash Sentry leapt off the loveseat and onto his feat. "Now you listen here! Twilight is an excellent leader, and…" Flash was stopped as a purple wing was extended in between him and Discord.

"It's alright, Flash." Twilight said softly. "He's right." Twilight admitted. "When Pinkie was taken, I went straight to my books and the other princesses for help. It never even occurred to me to ask him for help…"

"But…but, Twilight…"

"It's okay, Flash. I think I learned what I needed. Let's go."

Twilight and Flash looked around.

"Uh…Discord, could you…" Twilight began.

"Of course." Discord snapped his finger, and the room returned to the bare stone walls it was before.

Twilight and Flash headed for the door. Twilight looked back at the Draconequus on her way out. "Oh, and Discord?"

"Yes, Princess?"

"Thank you." Twilight replied.

Discord smiled and gave a small bow as she parted, "Anytime. My door is always open."

Fluttershy silently watched the two ponies leave.

"So that's it?" Fluttershy asked. "Pinkie's stuck in the world forever?"

"_Pfft_…Hardly." Discord replied. "The Order Keepers aren't ones to let a mistake of theirs go uncorrected, especially one that could continue to disrupt their plans of mind-numbing counting and calculations." Discord said with a small sneer. "No, I'm quite certain even now they're quietly trying to track her down. I wouldn't be surprised if they went so far as to war on Equestria if that's what it takes to send her where they want."

"War?!" Fluttershy exclaimed, "But you said…"

Discord waved his lion paw at Fluttershy dismissively and lounged back on the couch. "I merely answered the questions our young princess asked of me. I can't help if she didn't ask all the right ones." Discord said with a slight grin.

Fluttershy climbed down the chair and stared straight at Discord, "I wonder if you would be so callous if it was _me _stuck on another world." She said. Fluttershy turned and walked towards the exit.

Discord frowned, "But…you're different." He asserted.

Fluttershy glanced behind her and ruffled her feathers, "No. I'm not." She said simply, breaking in a run as she left the room "Twilight! Wait!"

Discord sighed and shook his head.

_I suppose our young princess isn't the only one who still needs to learn a thing or two. Maybe I should get her to teach me a lesson or two about friendship… _

End Part 4.5


	31. Chapter 27

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance Chapter 27 Pinkie Vs. Parkour

Dan looked over at his red and white horizontal striped shirt complete with cutie mark wearing, rolled-up jean short clad, roommate and sighed.

"You're making _that_ face!" Dan stated irritably from the blue couch, looking away from the TV set.

"What face?" Pinkie replied from the blue easy chair, looking up from her computer with sad, pleading eyes and quivering lips.

"The look where I have to do some bizarre, asinine task or you're going to be a sad, depressing heap for the foreseeable future." Dan replied.

Pinkie pout increased and she turned the laptop screen to face Dan.

"It's a shirtless dude jumping around like a ninny…" Dan responded flatly. "Are you upset because you can't jump around shirtless like a ninny? Because that's about half of what we do in the apartment."

"No! I used to be able to do stuff like that!" Pinkie responded motioning to the computer screen.

"…You used to be able to put yourself in in harm's way by running at cars that were driving towards you?" Dan looked towards the ceiling and turned a palm up. "I mean…that's irresponsibly dangerous, but I can still film you doing that, if you like."

Pinkie sat the laptop down and stood up to her feat. "No! I used to be able to slide down stair railings and land on my feet, and jump from roof-top to roof-top! Now I can't even jump through a first story window without landing on my face on the other side!" Pinkie complained.

Dan stood and walked towards Pinkie, rubbing a hand over his mouth and chin in contemplation, "Hmm, your dismount could use work, but hey," Dan smiled, put a comforting arm around his roomies shoulders, and pointed an index figure at her, "you're perfect just the way you are."

"Awww, you're sweet…" Pinkie replied looping an arm around Dan's torso and giving him a little squeeze before parting. "But I miss having a low center of gravity. I miss not being…lumpy." Pinkie stated, folding her arms across her chest and raised them to emphasize her ample lumpiness.

Dan stared blankly at Pinkie for a couple seconds. "Did I mention you're perfect just the way you are?"

"Thanks, Dan!" Pinkie said with a smile, "But I can't even do a cartwheel without a crashtastic finish! See, _watch_!" Pinkie insisted, walking towards the back of the couch.

Dan shrugged, "I'm always up for watching you injure yourself."

Pinkie stood up straight, put her hands in the air, quickly bent sidewise onto her hands, lifted her feet up, and careened directly into the bathroom sink with a startled yelp. "Owie…" Pinkie murmured from her upside-down heap on the bathroom floor.

"_Pinkie_!" A small voice called out. "_Pinkie_!"

Dan looked down at the small compact mirror sitting next to what appeared to be a chrome, large, hand-sized squirt gun on the crate that served as a coffee table. He bent down and picked it up. "Hey, Sparkler." He answered.

Twilight looked back at him with narrowed eyes, "Hi, Dan. Where's Pinkie?"

"Bathroom." Dan answered, "Can I take a message."

"It's sort of…insanely important." Twilight replied.

"Can't you just say 'hecka' like a normal person?"

"Well, I'm a _pony_." Twilight reminded.

"With an insufferably purple color sche…" Dan felt a hand on his face as Pinkie pushed him to the couch and snatched the mirror.

"Hiya, Twilight! What's up?" Pinkie asked.

"Pinkie! I have something hec…I mean, _very_ important to tell you…"

Twilight told Pinkie and Dan about Discord, The Order Keepers, their goals, and the potential danger they were all in.

"War?!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Awww…you ponies get to war with magical, extra dimensional travelers? I never get to have any fun." Dan whined.

"Dan, the apartment was infested with mutant, radioactive bats not three days ago." Pinkie reminded. "Mr. Mumbles bit one and was shooting green, radioactive beams out of her eyes, remember?"

Mr. Mumbles trotted out of the bedroom with a "Meow."

Dan put on a sullen face, "Don't remind me. I bit one and all I got was radiation poisoning! Why does Mr. Mumbles get all the luck and superpowers?!"

Mr. Mumbles jumped up on the couch, and rolled over onto her back, exposing her belly to Dan.

"D'awww…who can stay mad at you?" Dan asked rhetorically, scratching the cat's belly

Twilight raised an eyelid, "Your cat shoots laser beams…"

"Radioactive beams." Pinkie corrected.

"Right, radioactive beams out of her eyes? Isn't that sort of…incredibly dangerous?" Twilight asked motioning out with a forehoof.

"It's okay, Twilight. We get her some medicine, and…"

Two green bolts of energy shot straight up into the ceiling with a loud _'ZORCH'_.

Pinkie eyes went wide as she turned to see Dan's face had been mildly scorched. The two roommates then looked up into the brand new, black, smoldering hole in their ceiling.

Dan sighed and picked up Mr. Mumbles, "I'll give her some medicine."

Mr. Mumbles hissed and attempted to squirm out of his grasp.

Dan brought the cat into the bathroom with him and closed the door behind the two.

"So…What are you going to do?" Twilight asked.

The sound of Dan screaming erupted from the bathroom along with an angry "_**Merowowerow**_!" and a couple more '_ZORCH's_.

Pinkie sat down on the couch, continuing to hold the mirror at face level. "Well, the vet said…" Pinkie began.

"I meant about TOK." Twilight specified.

"Oh…well, what can we do?" Pinkie replied. "I mean…they can strike anywhere at any time! It's not like we can sit around waiting for them to show up!"

The bathroom door flew open, and Mr. Mumbled bounded out and into the bedroom with an angry "Merrooow!" and a hiss.

Dan trudged back towards Pinkie, covered in scratches. His black "JERK" shirt had a couple of fresh holes in it, his hair was standing up as dark smoke wafted up from it, and his freshly exposed skin was a color similar to his shirt. "What were we talking about, again?" Dan enquired.

"Twilight was asking what we're going to do if TOK shows up."

"Punch them in their cloudy faces?" Dan offered. "Wait…do they have faces?"

Pinkie shrugged, "They have eyes." She offered.

"Good enough for me." Dan replied.

"Dan, you _can't_ punch magic, ethereal beings in the face." Twilight declared in a mildly irritated tone.

"_Don't tell me what I can't punch!" _Dan shot back.

Pinkie motioned to Dan with her free hand, "There you go. If they show up to send me away to a _boooring_ dimension, Dan will punch them in the face."

Twilight brought a forehoof up to her face and gave an exasperated sigh.

"Don't worry Twilight." Pinkie said, "If my knee starts getting pinchy, I'll contact you right away."

Twilight rubbed a forehoof horizontally across her chin, as she regarded her friend with serious looking eyes "Doesn't that happen a lot over there?"

"Not really." Pinkie informed. "I think my body got used to the constant attacks by strangeriffic creatures that shoot lightning out of their mouths and burst into flames if you pet them too hard. I think the guy who moved into one of the apartments below us is a mad-scientist-super-villain or something…" Pinkie explained.

"Sounds…terrifying?" Twilight offered.

Pinkie smiled. "He's pretty nice, actually."

"If you discount the weekly besieges on our apartment by creatures created by man's hubris at playing tic-tac-toe with animal DNA." Dan added. "He grinned wide and picked up the chrome squirt gun off the table, and held it nozzle up. "He gave me this gun that shoots acid." A jet of clear liquid shot up into the ceiling, eating away at the thin material. Dan looked up and frowned. "Though, it has a hair-trigger."

Pinkie looked up at the now rather exposed pink insulation above them. "The landlord is _not _going to be happy about this…"

"Uhh…" Twilight said, not sure how to respond to…anything, really.

Pinkie looked back down at the mirror. "What are you going to do, Twilight?" She asked.

"We're packing up shop and heading back to Ponyville."

"Ponyville?" Pinkie asked with an excited smile.

Twilight nodded, "I've already poured through every book here! I even took a trip to the Crystal Empire and checked the library there! But I'm not giving up." Twilight insisted resolutely. "We'll get you home somehow." She asserted.

Pinkie's smile turned into a small pout as her lower lip quivered slightly. "Home…" she murmured softly.

Dan put a reassuring hand on Pinkie's shoulder.

Pinkie smiled and looked up at Dan warmly, placing a hand on his.

Twilight made a soft throat clearing sound, "Well, I need to finish packing. The mirror especially." Twilight said motioning towards the item in front of her. She smiled, "We'll take good care of it."

Pinkie returned the smile, "So the next time I see you, you'll be in Ponyville?"

"We'll _all_ be in Ponyville and we'll all see you, Pinkie."

"Ooo! Ooo! We should have a returning home party, then! Or…I guess two, cross dimensional parties that happen to be taking place at the same time!" Pinkie said with an excited grin.

"Our dimension gets to supply the music." Dan insisted.

Twilight's smile widened as she closed her eyes. "Sounds like a blast."

Pinkie grinned mischievously, "Oh, it's a **blast**, all right."

"Hey," Twilight began, "stay safe, you…"

Pinkie trembled a bit and looked up as insulation rained down from the ceiling in giant pink clumps on the two apartment occupants.

"…Don't die, you two." Twilight said.

Pinkie brushed some of the pink clumps off of her and saluted with her free hand. "Will do, Princess."

"I have an invested interest in my continual survival." Dan stated under a vertical, pink, fluffy pile.

Twilight waved a hoof.

Pinkie returned the wave and shut the mirror as Dan brushed the insulation off of him and sat next to her on the couch.

"So…what now?" Dan queried.

Pinkie's sad, pleading eyes and quivering lips returned. "I need to work on my balance."

"Are you still on that?" Dan asked surprised.

Pinkie stood up, "I can't very well deal with evil, ethereal, extra-dimensional, energy entities if I'm tripping over my own feat, now can I?"

Pinkie walked into the bedroom, and walked out wearing a pair of pink sneakers. "I'm going to do it!"

"Do what?" Dan asked crinkling his brow.

"Parkour!" Pinkie replied.

Dan stared at her blankly.

"That jumpy, flippy stuff I showed you off the computer."

Dan paused, "I'll give you five minutes before you're crawling back here to me in need of medical attention."

"Awww, you're not coming?" Pinkie said with a pout.

"As much fun as watching you suffer multiple bone fractures because you threw yourself against a wall over and over again sounds, I think I'll stay here, watch some T.V. and nurse my fresh radiation burns."

Pinkie scrunched her mouth to the left side of her face, "Fair enough." She replied.

She started to walk towards the door.

"Hey, Pinkie." Dan called out.

Pinkie turned, "Yes, Dan?"

"Take your phone."

"Sure." Pinkie walked over to her phone, and picked it up. "Why?"

"In case you injure yourself enough that you can't walk or crawl back and you need me to find you."

Pinkie smiled, walked over to Dan, and planted a quick peck on his cheek. "You're the bestest, Dan."

Dan smiled back, "I know."

"Righty!" Pinkie resolutely turned to the door, opened it, and shouted "Parkour!" as if it were a battle cry, and stepped into the bright, California sun.

Dan watched as Pinkie closed the door behind her, listened to the sound of sneakers running across the walkway, then to the sound of rubber sliding against metal, followed by a panicked sounding _"WAAAAAAAAAH!"_,and cringed as he heard the loud _'thump'_ of what was very likely his roommates having a sudden meeting with solid concrete.

"_I'm ooooookaaaaay!" _He heard Pinkie call back.

Dan shrugged to himself and went back to watching T.V.

*Exactly 4 minutes and 55 seconds later*

Dan turned as the door to the apartment opened. As it did, a petite, right hand with pink nail polish slumped forward into the apartment. Dan followed the attached arm with his eyes to see the rest of his roommates bruised and battered body, lying face down on the hard walkway.

Dan sighed. "I told you, so."

Pinkie whimpered in reply.

"So ummmm… This show is mostly over." Dan explained. "Can I help you out when it's done?"

"I'm nowt gowing anywhere…" Pinkie offered weakly, her mouth muffled by the walkway it was pressed against.

"Sweet!" Dan replied. "You're the best, Pinkie."

"I knoww…"

*Exactly 14 minutes and 35 seconds later*

Dan walked over to his roommate; bent down, grabbed Pinkie's outstretched, right arm; slung the arm across his shoulders, and raised Pinkie to her feet. In addition to a bright, red indentation from being pressed against the hard ground for so long, Pinkie's face sported a number of bruises, and a large forehead gash. Dan looked down to see some of the white stripes on her shirt had turned light red in places, and she had a number of fresh cuts and bruises down her bare legs, as well.

"Well…at least no one can tell you you're not living life to its fullest…or stupidest for that matter." Dan offered.

Pinkie looked up with large, blue, watery, pained looking eyes. "My entire body feels like excruciagony."

"What?" Dan said, crinkling his brow.

"'Excruciagony'…excruciating plus agony…Okay, not my best work." Pinkie admitted weakly.

"So er…I usually don't suggest this, but…hospital?"

"That depends. Is my left arm as broken as I think it is?"

Dan removed Pinkie's right arm from around his shoulder and leaned her against his chest as he examined the other arm. A large bump protruded from her shoulder.

"You're in luck. It's just dislocated."

"And…that's…good?" Pinkie asked tentatively.

"Well, we can fix it without _going_ anywhere." Dan informed.

Pinkie perked up slightly, "Oh! How do we_EEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_"

Without warning, Dan had grabbed Pinkie's left arm and gave it a hard yank with one arm as he pushed the shoulder back into its socket with his other hand.

Pinkie clutched onto Dan's shoulders tightly as she hung her head and breathed in long, drawn out breaths.

"How's that?" Dan asked.

"Agonexcruciating." Pinkie responded in between breaths. She looked up, "But…better…somehow… How'd you know how…to do that?"

"Years of practice on Chris." Dan replied. "You're covered in bruises, gashes, and cuts, by-the-by."

Pinkie looked down at her bruised, gashed, and cut body. "I'm covered with bruises…gashes, and…cuts!" She pouted in between breaths.

Dan sighed a trudged to bathroom, "I'll get some bandages, ice packs, and the Everclear."

"No, it's…fine. My…mutant 'Healing Factor' is already kicking in." Pinkie choked out.

"You don't _**have **_a mutant healing factor." Dan called out from the bathroom.

"Well, sh…"

*Some screams, yells, started cat noises, and a cry of "Why, Mr. Mumbles, _why_?!" Later…*

Dan leaned his head down as Pinkie reached up to apply a Band-Aid to a large cat scratch on his cheek, her bandaged head resting on his lap. "So, give up?" Dan asked.

Pinkie sat up on the couch. "I have not yet _begun_ to stupidly injure myself in a smasheriffic fashion for the sake of regaining my lost perfect balance." Pinkie replied resolutely, her body covered in a random assortment of bandages as she held an ice-pack on her left shoulder.

"Pinkie, I really think you should let this one go before you end up in a hospital with a full body cast." Dan replied.

"Okay, but how _cool _would it be if instead of smashing my face against the car roof during our next drill, I neatly slipped in feet first through the window from the walkway?"

Dan paused.

"…That…"

"…would…"

"…be…"

"…AWESOME!" Dan replied excitedly.

"So you'll help?"

"Pinkie, except for a crash course in dance fighting that mostly involved me having cans thrown at me, punching, and jump kicking people, I'm not exactly light on my feet."

"Ooo! We can get Elise to help! She's _hecka _agilic!"

Pinkie reached into her pocket and grabbed her phone.

"Don't you want to recover first? You _did _dislocate your shoulder, after all."

"No way!" Pinkie replied. "Crapy denim, seize the day!" Pinkie replied.

"It's _'carpe diem'_." Dan corrected.

"That, too!" Pinkie said, as she touched a green telephone icon on her phone.

Dan sighed.

_Yep, it's definitely going to be a 'bizarre, asinine task' sort of day._


	32. Chapter 28

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance Chapter 28 Pinkie Vs. Obstacle Course

-oooooo-

"Balance, huh?" Elise mused into the phone. "I think I can help you there. There's a new military style obstacle course that opened in Pasadena. I've been wanting to go there with Chris for a while now. We should all go!"

"Ooo! Ooo! Will there be running? And jumping? And climbing? And…" Pinkie replied excitedly.

Elise smiled, "Yes Pinkie. And they have multiple courses. We can spend the entire day there!"

"Sounds awesome sauce! We'll get ready."

"Great! Chris and I will be there in about an hour!"

"See you soon!"

Elise terminated the call.

Elise exited the bedroom, walked down the hall and into the living room. "Chris! Get changed into workout gear, we're heading to an obstacle course with Dan and Pinkie."

Chris looked away from the T.V. with a frown, he had managed to surround himself with an assortment of cakes, cupcakes, and muffins. "But I was going to sit here all day and eat all the baked goods Pinkie had given us while watching T.V.!" He whined.

Elise simply gave him a disappointed look.

Chris sighed, "I'll go get my _Owls_ t-shirt…"

-oooooo-

Dan sighed from the couch, "So what bizarre, asinine task did you just recruit us into?"

"Elise is taking us to a military stylee obstacly coursee!" Pinkie responded with a huge grin.

"You signed us up for boot camp? Pass." Dan said, waving has hand dismissively.

Pinkie's sad, pleading eyes and quivering lips returned. "Dan, you _have _to come! It's the only way to ensure fun levels will be at _max_!"

"Well, Max can go die in a fire." Dan said flatly. "I'm staying here."

Pinkie tapped an index finger against her chin with a, "Hmmmmmmmm…" a sly grin spread across her face. She scooched up against Dan and put an arm around his shoulders then pushed an index finger against him and started lightly twirling it against his chest. "I'll buy us something _nice_ if you go out…" She purred, fluttering her eyelids.

Dan met her big, blue eyes with beady green ones. "You are _not _going to be able to just _bribe_ me with another action figure, here."

Pinkie's grin widened and she stood up, "Oh, I was thinking bigger this time…" Pinkie walked over to her Laptop, pushed a few buttons, and turned the screen to face Dan.

Dan's jaw dropped, "A brand new video game console system?! AWESOME…" Dan shook his head to clear it, "I mean, NO! No way. You can't just appeal to me with rampant consumer whorism!"

Pinkie maintained her smile and looked up to the ceiling, tapping her chin a few more times. "I was _also_ thinking we could upgrade the T.V. We could really use a high-definition flat screen." Pinkie looked back at Dan, her smile widening. "_Don'tcha think_?"

"Ghaaaa!" Dan felt the strength of his resolve fade away on its deathbed. Its final will and testament leaving everything to his desire to watch high definition T.V. and trounce his roomie at video games. Dan exhaled and hung his head, murmuring a soft. "Fine. I'll go change into my camo shorts and sneakers"

Pinkie clapped her hands together excitedly, "Yay!"

"Stupid, lousy, roommate having unlimited amounts of money…" Dan mumbled.

-oooooo-

'_Knock, Knock'_

The door slowly opened to reveal the two apartment occupants; covered in bandages, Band-Aids, and a few fresh burns.

"OH MY GOSH, WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU TWO?!" Elise exclaimed.

Dan sighed, "Mr. Mumbles scratched my face up again and shot me with radioactive eye beams." Dan replied.

"And I threw myself against a brick wall for two minutes straight trying to do a flip off of it." Pinkie answered cheerfully.

"_WHAT?!"_

Chris put a sweat band clad hand on his wife's shoulder, "Remember how we discussed not asking what happened to Dan and Pinkie anymore?" He reminded.

Elise hung her head and sighed. Looking back up, she asked, "Don't you two think you're better off resting and healing then running around today?"

"No way!" Pinkie insisted. "My life has been marked with a distinct absence of awesome back flips off roofs since I _got _here! This _will not _stand!"

"And I want to go home with a new video game system." Dan added.

Chris grinned slightly, "She bribed you, again, huh?"

Dan widened his eyes and threw his hands out. "She sweetened the pot with a new T.V!" He cried. "I'm not made of stone!"

"Alright, alright. Just…let me know if you need to stop at any time, Pinkie." Elise said.

"Aye, aye!" Pinkie responded with a salute.

"Hey! What about me?" Dan asked.

"You can just sit in a heap of pain until we're done." Elise responded.

"…bonnacon…" Dan mumbled.

Elise punched him in the arm.

"Ow! What was that for?!" Dan asked rubbing his arm.

"Dan, cryptozoology is a hobby of mine. I _know _what a bonnacon is!" Elise informed, crossing her arms over her blue tank top

"Really? That's kinda cool, actually." Dan admitted.

"What's a Bonnacon? It sounds like 'bacon." Chris stated.

"Believe me, you _don't_ want to know." Elise informed, putting a hand on her husband's bare arm.

Pinkie went wide eyed and trembled a bit, "I've _seen_ one before…there was fiery dung _everywhere_!"

"Uh, I don't think Bonnacons actually exist, Pinkie." Elise said.

"Maybe not where _you're_ from!" Pinkie insisted.

"Hey! I have a sudden urge to avoid this weird conversation!" Chris stated. "Let's get to that obstacle course!" Chris said, swinging a fist in an arc in front of his chest.

Pinkie looked at Dan excitedly, "Race ya to the car!"

"Uh, I'm good…"

Pinkie bolted out the door, sprinted across the walkway, jumped onto the stair railing, lost her footing, fell against the railing with a loud _'clang'_, and slid down the rest of the way until the railing curved and she flew face first into the hood of Chris and Elise's blue sedan.

"Owie…"

Chris's and Elise's jaws dropped.

Dan shrugged and walked towards the stairs. "You win."

-oooooo-

"Hi! I'm Chet, the manager of this bodacious obstacle course! Who's ready to get fit, hip, and _ripped_ in a fun and exciting way?" A muscly; short, black haired; tall man, wearing a black tank-top, camo pants, and combat boots asked.

"Ooo! Me! _ME_!" Pinkie exclaimed raising her hand and jumping up and down excitedly.

"Whoa, there little lady! You already looked like you've been through a _warzone_! Are you sure you're up for this?" Chet asked, warily eyeing the bruised and bandaged Pinkie Pie.

"No pain no gain!" Pinkie said with a big grin.

Dan lightly poked Pinkie's left shoulder, causing her teeth to clench and body to tremor from head to toe.

"What did you gain from that?" He asked.

Elise swatted the back of Dan's head.

"Ow!" Dan exclaimed

"What did _you_ gain from _that_?" Elise asked.

Dan rubbed the back of his head, "Nothing. I already knew you were Lilith incarnate."

"Why you little…"

Chet put a big, muscly hand each on a shoulder of Dan and Elise. "Love the enthusiasm, but let's save it for the course!"

Dan swatted Chet's hand off him. "Get your cold meat hook offa me!"

Chet paused staring at Dan for a moment, then put on a smile. "Now, what's going to be the name of this rocking team?"

"Team let's go to the mall already." Dan suggested irritably.

"Team let's go home and get something to eat." Chris suggested hungrily.

"Team Awesome Sauce!" Pinkie suggested excitedly.

"I second, 'Team Awesome Sauce!" Elise said enthusiastically.

Chet grinned. "'Team Awesome Sauce', it is." He replied, writing it down on a clip board. "Alright, girls, you get first run."

Pinkie smiled wide and bounded off to the obstacle course.

Elise quickly followed.

"Dangit, Chris! You undermined the two party system! You don't throw your hat into the ring against your own party! It splits the vote!"

"Sorry, Dan. I was never very good at politics."

"Well your ignorance means we have to do the stupid obstacle course! We could have deadlocked the whole judicial system and filibustered the executive branch!" Dan explained, vigorously motioning with both hands.

"…Dan I'm not sure you fully grasp the three branch system."

"I understand _beating you _with tree branches!"

Chris sighed and looked over the obstacle course. "This is like high school gym all over again."

Dan tapped an index finger against his chin, and stared out at the course. "I remember it differently, somehow."

The two watched as Elise expertly ran and stepped over taut ropes, logs, climbed nets, walls, and blazed across the course. Then, they looked back at the start of the course to see Pinkie expertly tripping over every taut rope she came across.

"Well…At least she has spirit." Chris remarked.

"She's going to _become _a spirit at this rate." Dan countered.

"At least this seems safer then…whatever the heck she was doing earlier today." Chris replied.

"Yeah, but she's _so bad _at it. She's just going to want to try something else! Then she'll get seriously injured. And guess who's going to have to take care of her?"

Chris frowned, wondering if he knew where this was going. "Me?"

"WHAT?! Of course not. _ME_ you imbecilic!" Dan said angrily, "She's going to break all her limbs and I'm the one who's going to have nurse her back to health; cook all her meals; feed her; pour juice for her; bake her cookies, cupcakes, and all the other things she likes to eat; play her favorite music; watch her favorite movies with her; wash her; tuck her in at night; and read her a bedtime story." Dan shook his head with an exasperated exhale. "Horrible, just…_horrible_."

Chris raised an eyebrow, "Wow…you've umm…really put a lot of thought into this."

"Look, we have to crush her _will_ to continue!" Dan insisted forcefully.

"That seems…kind of mean."

"Chris, sometimes if you care about someone very much, you have to completely destroy their ego so they stop being so stupid." Dan explained.

Chris narrowed his eyes, "Yes, I can see how that's a personal mantra of yours."

"_Waaaaah!" _Pinkie tripped on a horizontal log placed on the ground and fell hard onto the logs in front of her. She quickly raised to her feat, announced. "I'm up!" And proceeded to trip on the next log, repeating the process.

Chris paused, "Alright, I'm in. What do we do?"

"Simple, we go out there, and we kick her butt."

"Dan! I am not going to assault Pinkie!" Chris insisted.

"Nice pun, buddy. But I meant kick her butt at the obstacle course."

"But I suck at obstacle courses." Chris complained.

"Well, just…suck less than her. Should be pretty easy."

Chet walked up to the two guys. "Looks like your friend is going to take a while, there." He said motioning behind him with a thumb. "Why don't you two bros get started? Elise is already onto the second course! She _nailed _the first one and set a new record!"

Dan looked up at Chris. "Ready?"

Chris gulped, "As I'll ever be."

"That's the attitude we like to see out here!" Chet said with a smile. "Crapy Denim! Seize the day!"

Dan's eye twitched.

"Now, go, go, go, go, go!" Chet commanded.

Dan ran to the beginning of the course and started placing his feet as he dodged the taut, tripping hazard ropes.

Chris quickly followed and began gingerly stepping over ropes while throwing his hands out in a desperate attempt to maintain balance.

It wasn't long before Dan caught up to Pinkie as she struggled to scale a wall with a rope.

"Hey, Pinkie." Dan called out has he grabbed his rope and began climbing. "Doing alright?"

From about halfway up the wall, Pinkie responded, "I am a leaf on the wind, watch as I _WHAAAAAAAAAAAA_!" Pinkie lost her footing and slid down the rope still holding it. She quickly got reacquainted with the ground.

"…soar." Pinkie said, rubbing her bruised and cut body. "Ow! Ow!" Pinkie shook her friction burned palms and blew on them.

Dan scaled the wall, and looked down at his roomie. "Well…see you at the finish line."

Pinkie determinedly grabbed the rope, cringing as her hands made contact. She lifted herself up, placed her feet on the rope, bit into it with her mouth, and began scaling the wall by alternating climbing and biting the rope.

Chris soon caught up as well, and tried to catch his breath.

"Hey…_huff_…Pinkie…_huff_. Doing okay…there?"

"III FIII" Was all Pinkie could get out through a mouth full of rope.

"What?" Chris asked, raising an eyebrow."

Pinkie wrapped her limbs around the rope tightly and removed her mouth. "I said, 'I'm fine.'" She bit back down on the rope and continued to climb.

"Wow…that can't _possibly _be sanitary."

"Chris! Stop lollygagging over there." Dan called out. "You are the worst lollygagger I've ever seen!"

Pinkie removed her mouth, "Hehe, '_lollygagger'_…WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

'_THUMP'_

Chris frowned, fighting the desire to help Pinkie across the course.

_No, wait. If I help her she'll just keep trying and then end up in the hospital…or worse._

Chris grabbed his rope and painstakingly climbed his way up.

Pinkie's eye twitch, her teeth gritted, and with a look of determination, she reached up and grabbed the rope with hands and teeth, and began her ascent again.

Dan stepped his way through a series of tires and made it to the end of the course. He crossed his arms and looked on impatiently as Chris struggled through the remaining obstacles, tripping on one of the final tires and collapsing at the end.

"Well…you're terrible." Dan commented as Chris slowly rose to his feet. "But she's worse, at least."

"Dan…I…_huff, puff_….I'm not sure I can do another one of these."

Dan shrugged his shoulders, "You have to! Pinkie's just going to keep on hurting herself! And I have to drive all the way to Arizona every time we run out of Everclear…Which happens with surprising frequency." Dan added.

"Why don't you just buy rubbing alcohol?"

Dan put on a dumb expression, and raise a hand and moved his fingers in a mocking, blabbering on manner. "_Menahamenahalcohol_."

Chris sighed.

Dan walked over to Chris and elbowed him in the ribs lightly, "Quick! She's almost here! Act natural."

"Dan, we're not doing anything wrong, except for maybe not helping her."

"Yes, _**good**_. Use that!"

Pinkie trudged through the last yards of tires, tripping near the end and collapsing into a heap of rubber. She clutched at the ground and slowly crawled towards the two men.

"How'd I…_huff_…do?" Pinkie asked as she stood up and attempted to catch her breath.

Dan and Chris looked over Pinkie's new attire.

"You're wearinga tire." Dan informed.

Pinkie's lower lip quivered and she looked down at the new fashion statement around her stomach. "I'm _wearing_ a tire!" She declared sadly. She struggled to push it off, lost her footing, and fell to the ground with a startled yelp, "Er…Dan? Could you be a dear and help pull _this stupid thing __**offa**__ me_."

Dan sighed and bent down to help his roommate, "You're _hopeless_ without me!" Dan grunted as he pulled on the tire.

"I'm _working_ on it!" Pinkie insisted as she pushed on the tire.

The tire flew off with a pop as Dan tumbled backwards. The trio watched the tire roll off a few feet away then catch flame for no particular reason.

…

…As you do.

"Why does _everything _keep _doing_ that?!" Pinkie demanded in a shrill tone.

"So…" Dan began rising to his feet, and holding out his hands to help Pinkie up. "How was your first obstacle course?"

Pinkie took Dan's hands, stood up, and looked at Dan with big, sad, blue eyes as her lips quivered. "I hated it. I hated it _so much_! But it's over now, and we…"

Chet walked up to the trio, "Alright guys! Good hustle out there! Now on to round two!"

Pinkie's eyes went wide, "Can I at least wait until the burning sensation in my…_everything _goes away?" She pleaded.

"Love the burn!" Chet replied.

"Don't tell _her_ what to love!" Dan shot back angrily.

Chris eyed Chet suspiciously.

"Alright, I'm gonna give you dudes a few minute breather and then I want you all to show me just what _lean_, _mean_, _**obstacle course running machines**_ _you can be_!" Chet said as he flexed his muscles. He walked off towards the advanced courses.

Pinkie dropper her head with a small sigh and let her arms dangle in front of her. "This bites." She declared.

"So…" Dan began. "Shall we burn the obstacle course down?"

Pinkie looked up at Dan with a frown. "We can't do that! Elise is having so much fun!"

"Pffft, forget Elise." Dan said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"_NEVER_!" Pinkie replied resolutely.

Dan raised his palms up to face level and quickly flicked them forward, "Fine! But are we at least done with this stupid balance thing?" Dan asked.

Pinkie look at Dan with a face packed with resolve. "No way! I just need to find that _one thing_ that's going to help me sort out my balance."

Dan put a comforting arm around Pinkie's shoulders. "Hey. You'll get it eventually. It just takes time."

Pinkie shook her head, "If life has taught me anything it's that you just need to find that _one_ _thing_ you're good at and then everything will magically fall into place!" Pinkie insisted.

"Uhh…" Dan trailed off, unsure of how to respond.

"Hey, Dan." Chris said as he rubbed his chin, his eyes following Chet into the distance. "Does Chet remind you of anyone?"

"Yes." Dan replied, "He reminds me of every muscle bound idiot who's obsessed with physical activity."

"Well…yeah. But doesn't he seem pretty much exactly like Chad from the gym, just with different colored hair?"

Dan pondered this. "You know, you're right, Chris!"

"Who's Chad?" Pinkie asked.

"You know that big, metal paperweight I have?"

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at Dan, "Chad is a paperweight?" Pinkie pondered this for a moment. "I guess that explains why your paperweight has a face." She said tapping an index finger against her chin and looking up into the sky.

"Well, he is now! But he used to be a robot. An evil robot who captured Chris and Elise and forced them to exercise to power an army of evil, muscled robots including Chad." Dan looked at Chris. "I saved _them_, of course."

Chris sighed. "Yes, Dan. You only remind us every chance you get. Look, what if Chet is an evil robot?"

Dan shrugged, "Well, let's kill him and find out!"

"Dan, we can't just kill people _before _we figure out if their evil robots are not." Chris responded.

"Awww! Come on! We could be in danger here!" Dan turned to Pinkie. "Back me up here, roomie."

Pinkie crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. "No, Dan. We're not going to kill people just because they remind us of evil robots."

Dan thought for a second, "Well…if we _prove_ he's a robot, then can we kill him?"

Pinkie closed her eyes and nodded. "That would be acceptable."

"And _THEN_ will you help my burn down the obstacle course?"

Pinkie opened her eyes into narrow slits. "Don't be ridiculous…_OF COURSE_ I'll help you burn down the obstacle course! I _HATE_ it."

"Huh?" Chris said in a surprised tone. "But you said…"

Pinkie interrupted him. "Elise is potentially running around so she can be captured by robots and forced into robot powering servitude. Burning this place down would practically be a public service." Pinkie insisted.

Dan smiled and raised a hand to playfully ruffle the hair on his taller roommates head. "You're learning so well!"

Pinkie cocked her head slightly with a smile, "Aren't I?"

"Guys, I'm not sure if burning this place down is such a hot idea."

Pinkie giggled. "Hehe, 'hot'."

"What is it with you and puns?" Dan asked Chris with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh yeah." Pinkie piped up. "I just remembered that Elise said there's enough courses here to keep us busy the entire day."

Chris paused. "…So? How do we figure out if Chet is a robot?"

"Oh!" Dan spoke up. "His hand was really cold when he touched my shoulder earlier!"

"Well…that's pointing towards robot, but not really solid proof." Chris stated.

"Oh, come on!" Dan whined.

Pinkie pulled out a giant, novelty sized, 'U' shaped, magnet. "We can see if this sticks to him!"

"Wait…do you just carry that around with you wherever you go?" Chris asked in disbelief.

"Nopers!" Pinkie replied. "Only when I need to check for robots…or like… stick myself to a car for chasing purposes." Pinkie explained.

"_But_…where do you even _KEEP_ that giant thing?!" Chris asked.

Pinkie motioned to her rolled up, denim shorts. "I have pockets!" She pointed out.

"But…" Chris felt Dan reach up and place a hand on his shoulder.

"I've learned it's just best not to ask too many questions when it comes to Pinkie." Dan said.

"Okay, fine! We have a giant magnet somehow. How do we take on Chet if he's, in fact, an evil robot?" Chris enquired.

Dan pondered this. "Does Elise carry any weapons in the car?"

"Normally, no." Chris informed. "She carries them on her." He added. "However, she had to leave them all in the trunk because she's wearing a tank top and sweat pants without pockets."

Dan excitedly rubbed his hands together. "Alright, let's check the trunk and see what we got."

The trio made their way to the car. Chris unlocked and opened the trunk revealing an arsenal of mediaeval weaponry and firearms.

Dan paused "…Elise walks around with all this stuff on her personage, and you were hassling Pinkie Pie about the magnet?" He asked raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah…well…I should really just learn to stop asking questions." Chris admitted.

"I'm proud of you, Chris." Dan said, putting an arm on the back of his friend. "This is a big step for you."

"Ooo! Shiny!" Pinkie said, looking into the trunk.

"I call battle-axe!" Dan said, grabbing a double bladed battle axe that was roughly as big as him.

"Mace, please!" Pinkie said.

Chris handed Pinkie a metal shaft with a medicine ball sized spiked end.

Pinkie grabbed onto it and quickly fell to the ground with an "_oof_" as Chris let go of the heavy item.

Chris looked back to the trunk and rubbed his chin, weighing his options. "I think I'll take the Claymore." Chris reached down and pulled out a large, five foot long sword.

Dan helped Pinkie to her feet.

With a determined "_Grrrrrrr_…" Pinkie raised the giant mace and rested the shaft on top of her right shoulder.

"Alright, everyone ready?" Dan asked as he pulled the battle axe close to him with both hands.

Pinkie held raised her magnet with a free hand and Chris raised his sword high into the sky. "Ready!" The two declared in unison.

"Alright. Let's go see what Chet is _really_ made out of." Dan announced with an evil, toothy grin.

-oooooo-

"Great hustle, Elise!" Chet exclaimed. "That's another record! Just one more course and you'll be the record holder for the entire compound!"

Elise gave herself a little fist pump. "Yes! Oh, hey Chet? Have you seen my husband and two friends? Are they still way back there?"

"Oh yeah." Chet said. "I think they may still need to start on course two! Why don't you get started on the final course and I'll check up on them."

Elise smiled. "Sounds like a Plan, Chet!" She quickly ran off towards the final course.

Chet turned. "Now, where can those three have ran off…"

'CLANK'

Chet stared down at the giant magnet now affixed to his torso.

"Get him!"

Chet looked up to see a trio of angry looking, and more importantly, armed individuals rapidly approaching him.

"Now wait, there's a perfectly reasonable…"

With a wide, horizontal swing. Dan buried the axe into Chet's upper arm. It sliced into the arm a few inches showering the area with sparks and leaving a large tear that contained recently cut wires and exposed pumps and pistons.

"Why you tiny meat-bag…_zzzz_URK!" Chet was interrupted as Chris trusted a several foot long blade through Chet's chest.

Chet reached out to nab his two attackers, but stopped as he heard a shrill cry.

"_Ayiyiiyiyiyiyi!"_

Chet looking up just in time to see a pink haired girl lift a giant, spiked mace off her shoulder and bring it down on his head with a loud 'CRUNCH'.

Chet collapsed to the ground, revealing a large concave dent where the top of his head used to be.

Many more dents and holes were added to his robotic body as the three combatants hacked, sliced, and smashed his body with their weapons.

"_Huff…Puff…_Alright…I think we got him" Chris said, dropping his sword.

Dan and Pinkie continued to take a few more swings with their weapons.

Dan also worked on catching his breath. "Great…now get…the gasoline…Chris."

Pinkie uttered a few more frustrated cries and swung her mace onto Chet's shattered, metal torso a few more times.

Chris paused. "I didn't bring any gasoline."

A toothy grin appeared on Dan's face, "What do you mean, you brought a car _full_ of the stuff."

Chris's shoulders dropped and he sighed, "I'll get the hose…"

-oooooo-

With one last burst of energy, Elise sprinted to the end of the final course. Slightly winded, she bent down started to catch her breath. "How'd I do, Chet?"

There was no answer.

Elise looked up to discover that all of the courses, including the course she had just finished, were at least partially engulfed in flames.

Elise's eyes went wide as she scanned the surroundings for the rest of her group. She spotted the back of the short, man with short, black hair, and the woman with long, pink, curly hair standing next to the blue sedan they had all arrived in. The two were staring out into the flames. Chris was sitting down on the grass next to them, having a coughing fit.

"Okay. _Now _it reminds me of high school gym." Dan commented.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! PINKIEEEEEEEEE!" Elise roared.

Dan and Pinkie flinched like two children who had just been caught by their parents doing something they weren't supposed to do. They turned to Elise, fake, innocent looking grins hastily plastered onto their face.

"_WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE?!" _Elise demanded.

"Uh, it burnt down." Dan offered.

"Because of an…accident...That happened." Pinkie added.

"That made it…burn down." Dan continued.

"Well, I can see that it's burnt! What I want to know is; _**How'd it get burned?!**_"

Dan paused, "How did _what_ get burned?"

"THE OBSTACLE COURSE! _**How'd it get burned?! HOW'DITGETBURNED?!**_"

"Elise, wildfires happen all the time in California!" Dan explained. "It's just nature's way of resetting things when something grows out of control."

"Oh, _please!_" Elise said exasperated. "There was nothing _natural_ about this!"

"Exactly!" Dan said, raising an index finger. "Hence why _nature _had it destroyed. We should all be happy that Mother Nature's wrath was satisfied with claiming just this one giant obstacle course compound."

Elise closed her eyes, made a frustrated "Graaaaaah!", and clutched at her hair. As she was getting nowhere in record time with Dan, she moved to an easier target.

"Pinkie?!" Elise said in a commanding tone. "Did you help burn down the obstacle course?!"

Pinkie nervously looked from side to side as the side of her mouth pulled into a pensive grimace. "Well…I…erm…that is to say…that..."

Elise closed the distance between the two girls to a handful of inches and stared Pinkie down with, large, angry looking, violet eyes. "_Did you_ or _did you not _help burn down the obstacle course? Tell the truth!"

Pinkie's eyes increased the speed of their nervous looking back and forth, "Chris syphoned the gas we used from the car!" She blurted out.

"WHAT?! _**CHRIS**_!"

"Heeeey…_cough_…no snitching!" Chris said from his spot on the ground.

"I can't _believe_ the three of you!" Elise stated, rubbing the tips of her fingers against her temples. "I can't _believe_ Chet let you three do this!" Elise paused and looked around. "Wait? Where's Chet?!"

"Oh! Well, he's in the trunk!" Pinkie explained.

"_**WHAT?! **_Don't tell me you three knocked him out and threw him into the trunk!"

"What are we, _savages_?!" Dan asked angrily. "We _dismembered_ him and threw him into the trunk!" He corrected.

"_YOU DID WHAT?!"_ Elise exclaimed, completely shocked.

Dan shrugged, "Go big or go home."

"_**THAT IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE USE OF THAT PHRASE!"**_ She tried to process what Dan had just said to her and how much trouble her husband, Pinkie, and to a lesser extent, Dan might be in. "Okay…here's what we do. We find Chet's car, load his corpse into the trunk, and then we drive _that_ to a garbage dump where we'll…"

Chris spoke up, "Elise. Maybe you should _see _Chet first." Chris stood up and opened the trunk to the car.

Elise breathed a sigh of relief. "_Oh, thank you merciful God_!"

"Oh yeah. Chet is a robot." Pinkie remarked, glancing at the sky and rubbing her chin. "I guess we should have told you that _first_."

Elise slowly gained control of her breathing. "…So why is he in the trunk."

"Ooo!" Pinkie spoke up. "I have a friend who's going to completely geek out when she _sees _a real life, dead robot!"

"Alright, fine…but did you _three __**have **_to burn down all the courses?!"

"I think you know that we did." Dan said.

Pinkie and Chris nodded somberly in agreement.

"But…But I had just beat the record on _all of them_!" Elise explained, flinging out her arms to the sky.

"You should be thanking us, then." Dan explained.

Elise's eye's narrowed. "How you figure that that?"

"Now no one will be able to take your record away from you." Dan argued.

Elise's eyebrows furrowed. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger.

Pinkie sighed, "I _still _need to work on my balance!" She declared squeakily.

"Can we figure out something that Elise _isn't_ good at?" Dan suggested.

Elise smirked, "Sorry, Dan. I'm incredible fit and agile thanks to constant training and on the job working out. There's probably nothing we can go to that I wouldn't be good at."

"Oh, hey! We should go ice skating!" Chris said.

Elise frowned, "Except that."

"No!" Dan said. "That's an _abysmal_ idea!"

"You said you wanted something that Elise wasn't good at, and she's a terribly ice-skater!" Chris insisted.

"Hey!" Elise protested.

"What? You are!" Chris reminded.

Elise sulked. "Okay, but you don't need to _tell_ everybody!"

"When I said that, I meant something I'm also not terrible at." Dan qualified.

Pinkie piped up, "Besides, Chris! It's sunny, warm, and bright! Where are we going to find ice?"

"Uh, Pinkie? You _do_ know there are indoor ice-skating rinks, right?" Chris asked.

"_**WHAT**_?!" Pinkie exclaimed shrilly. She turned to Dan and lifted the short man up to her face level by grabbing onto the collar of his shirt and raising him up. "WHY WASN'T I INFORMED?!" She demanded angrily.

"Pinkie…you're hurting me." Dan said meekly.

Pinkie shook Dan a few times and stared him directly in the eyes, _"TELL ME!"_

"Ummm…er…It never came up in casual conversation?" He offered with a nervous smile.

Pinkie's eyes widened and she let go of her grip, allowing Dan to collapse to the ground. "Oh…I suppose it hasn't…"

Dan grumbled as he picked himself off the ground.

Chris smiled, "I say, we vote on it."

"I vote we just go to the mall already!" Dan said.

"I vote we go home and get something to eat before anything else gets destroyed." Elise said.

"I vote that we grab a change of clothing, grab some food, and go ice skating." Chris said.

"Yay!" Pinkie said, "I vote that thing that Chris said!" She said excitedly.

"Dang it, Elise!" Dan shouted.

Elise offered Dan a shrug. "What!? How was I supposed to know he'd change his vote and attach "grab some food" to his bill."

"You'd make a _terrible _**vizier**, Elise!"

"Dan, there are no _viziers_ in a democracy." Elise informed.

Dan put on a dumb expression, and raise a hand and moved his fingers in a mocking, blabbering on manner. "_Menahamenahademocracy_."

Chris happily opened the driver's door to the car and sat down.

Pinkie also opened one of the back doors to the car and sat down, giddily bouncing on her seat in excitement.

Dan and Elise shared a sigh and slowly climbed into the car, dreading what was likely to be an embarrassing and painful continuation to the day for them.


	33. Chapter 29

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance Chapter 29 Dan Vs. Ice Skating

-ooooooo-

Authors notes: Because I'm a glutton for punishment and being forced to fix formatting, there are not one but_two_ songs in this chapter.

Flogging Molly's Devil's Dance Floor: watch?v=TSwaVvF7rdU

Queen's Don't Stop Me Now: watch?v=HgzGwKwLmgM

-ooooooo-

"Oooooo! 'Pairs Figure Skating Competition tonight'! Dan! Dan! We should _totally_ enter that! It sounds like fun!" Pinkie said, looking up at a large sign as Chris pulled the car into the lot of the skating arena.

Dan raised an eyebrow at his roommate who was sitting across from him in the backseat. "Fun like the obstacle course was supposed to be fun?"

Pinkie smiled and shook her head, "I _know _this will be fun. I was born to ice skate almost as much as I was born to _party_!" She said enthusiastically.

Chris pulled the car into an empty spot and the occupants exited. Dan, Chris, and Elise were back in their regular attire, with a few minor changes to account for the cool temperature of the skating rink. Dan simply donned his green jacket; Chris had swapped out his orange shirt for a puffy, orange vest and was wearing a white, long sleeved shirt under his blue one; and Elise had put on a leather jacket.

Pinkie, of course, opted to change her entire outfit. She was now wearing a long sleeved, pink shirt with her cutie mark featured prominently on the chest and white and pink striped arms, a pink skirt, and white and pink striped leggings that matched the stripes on her arm. Additionally, she was wearing a pink jacket. The outfit covered the vast majority of bruises and bandaged cuts and gashes that covered her body from a day of constant tripping and flinging herself into solid objects. Only a large, white bandage wrapped around her head was partially visible under her massive mop of pink, curly hair.

Dan looked at his roommate as they approached the skating rink. "Born to party?" He said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes! It was my…_destinWHAAAAAAAAA_." Pinkie said dramatically before tripping over her own feet. She was back up in an instant.

Dan paused. "Yeah, it's starting to look like having an ice skate removed from your abdomen is your destiny." Dan reached a hand up to his roommates shoulder.

Pinkie turned to face him.

"Look…I can tell this means a lot to you," Dan began, "but you're _lucky_ you haven't broken anything at this point. I _really_ think you should stop before you seriously injure yourself."

Pinkie paused. A smile slowly grew across her face. "Dan, are you actually _worried_ about me?!"

Dan retracted his hand with a surprised look. "I…_NO…_it's just…if you get injured you won't be able to make lactose-free baked goods for me. Also, shut up."

Pinkie's smile widened and she leaned in closer to Dan, "I know full well that you've helped me enough times to know how to make all that stuff yourself."

Chris and Elise had paused to watch the scene unfold before him.

"Are we _sure _Dan hasn't been replaced by an imposter?" Elise whispered to her husband, her arms wrapped around one of his.

Chris shrugged, "I guess Pinkie just brings out the best in him." Chris commented.

"I didn't think Dan _had_ a best."

"He can be good when he wants to." Chris said, motioning to Dan with his free hand. "…Which, admittedly, isn't very often."

"Hey!" Dan protested to Pinkie. "I only help you to keep you from setting yourself on fire with the oven." He insisted.

Pinkie's smile grew wider still and she closed the distance between their faces to an inch. "So, you _do_ get worried about me."

"I…erm…what I meant to say was…"Dan stammered out, nervously looking to the side as if the words he wanted to say where somehow written a few feet away from him.

He stopped as he felt the warm embrace of his roommate envelop him.

Pinkie whispered a soft, earnest "Thank you." into Dan's ear, and then parted slightly, holding Dan at arm's length. "But this is something I _have _to do." She insisted with a determined look in her eyes. "But…" Pinkie trailed off. "You'll take care of me on the off chance I do seriously injure myself, right?" Pinkie asked, with big, blue, pleading eyes.

Dan raised an index finger. "Only on the condition that I get to write inappropriate things on your casts in permanent marker."

Pinkie removed her hands, spit into one, and held it out. "Deal!"

Dan spit into his own hand and gave Pinkie's a shake with a smile.

"Oh no..." Elise murmured as her eyes went wide.

"What?" Chris asked.

"I just realized how cute they are together." Elise stated.

"Yeah, so..?"

"I think…I think I ship Dan and Pinkie Pie." Elise said with a small, panicked tone.

"You're shipping your friends? Well, that's kinda odd, but nothing to get upset about."

"No Chris, you don't understand! Now I'm overcome with a desire to see them _kiss_!"

"Uh…"

Elise raised her palms to her cheeks. "Oh gosh! This is like _X-Files_ all over again…" she mumbled.

"What the heck are you two babbling on about over there?" Dan asked as Pinkie and he approached the couple. "What's this about a kiss?"

"I…uh…" Elise searched for something convincing to say. "I was just talking about…kissing my husband. Because I _love_ him!" Elise smiled and looked up at Chris. "Come here… sweetiekins."

Chris chuckled, "Of course, honey-bunches-of-oats."

Elise leaned up to give her husband a passionate kiss.

"_Ewww_! Save that gross stuff for when you're behind locked doors and boarded up windows." Dan complained.

Pinkie giggled, clutching her hands under her chin, "_Hehe…_I _ship_ them."

Dan cocked his head at Pinkie. "You _ship_ your friends? You're sick."

"Well…they're _married _and canon. It's not as weird as them being from two completely different series that a network decided to pair up for some reason, or something." Pinkie said, looking out straight ahead into space.

Hey! You leave my readers alone.

"Oh, I wasn't looking at _them._" Pinkie said with a knowing grin.

…

"Who are you talking to?" Dan asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Pinkie smiled. "The fourth wall." She answered.

"…You are _so_ bizarre." Dan said. He sighed. "Come on, let's get this painful experience over with."

The four continued walking towards the ice rink, leaving the handsome, _AND NOT WEIRD AT ALL_, author to continue his writing in peace.

…Ah, who am I kidding? I'm almost 30 and my wardrobe is 50 percent FiM, Transformers, Star Wars, and anime t-shirts…

Wait…where was I?

Uhhh…

Ice skating rink, right…

Chris opened the door to the rink and held it open for his wife and two friends. Pinkie bounded up to the counter. "Four, please! Ooo! Where do we sign up for the pair figure skating?"

A bored looking, male cashier answered. "Here. It's twenty five dollars per couple and another fifty two for admission plus skate rental for four people."

Pinkie eagerly took out her wallet and handed the man a hundred dollar bill as he handed her a piece of paper on a clipboard to fill out.

"Ha! You're renting skates _and_ entering the competition?" An effeminate voice called out. The four looked up to see a young woman with long, red hair with fiery yellow highlights wearing a light purple shirt that prominently featured a sun made out of the same two colors of her hair. Over that she wore a black, leather jacket with a studded collar. An orange skirt with a light purple and yellow stripe going down the side hung around her waist, and under that, leggings with a red and yellow fiery pattern went traveled down to her black boots with a flaming purple design on them. A pair of black and purple ice skates dangled from a hand she held at face level with the wrist bent upwards.

She regarded Pinkie with light green, mocking eyes. "This competition isn't for amateurs, you know."

"Actually, it's specifically for amateur skaters." A masculine voice called out. The voice belonged to a young man with spiky, blue hair wearing a white tee-shirt adorned by a simple crest that alternated for quadrants of light blue and blue with a large, yellow lightning bolt in front of it. He also wore a black jacket with a large white and smaller red horizontal stripe going across the chest and arms. Worn blue jeans went down his legs, rolled up at the end. White and black sneakers finished the ensemble. Simple black and white ice skates dangled loosely by their laces in his hand at his side. "And you _really _should be nicer to strangers, Sunset." He said, looking at the red head.

"Heh." Sunset swatted some of her long, red and yellow hair behind her shoulder. "It's an open competition. Not my fault they let any riff-raff compete against us competent skaters."

"I'm a competent skater!" Pinkie insisted. "I've been skating since I was a little filly!"

Everyone paused at the odd turn of phrase and stared at the pink hair girl.

Pinkie extended a hand out to Sunset. "My name's Pinkie Pie. Sunset, was it? That's a pretty cool name."

Sunset ignored the hand. "Certainly better than Pinkie Pie."

"HEY!" Dan cried out angrily, placing protective hands around Pinkie's arms. "Why don't you slink back to your fiery hole in the ground? She didn't come here to be harassed by a glory hungry succubus."

Sunsets eyes narrowed at Dan and her mouth changed to a grimace, quickly changing back to an unfriendly grin. "And who's going to make me, little man? You?" She said in a mocking tone, leaning in closer to Dan.

With one quick motion and a flick of a wrist, Sunset was suddenly staring at a lit, golden zippo lighter held inches from her face. "Drop the 'tude, Queeny, or I'll help your hair match the rest of your outfit." Dan said threateningly.

Chris quickly put himself in between Dan and Sunset. "Hey Dan, how about we _not_ get ourselves kicked out or arrested before we get to skate?"

Sunset glanced at the sheet of paper Pinkie was filling out. Sunsets smile reappeared as she regarded the short man. "Dan, eh? Don't tell me you've been skating since you were a _'little filly'_, too?" She asked mockingly.

"That's none of your _G.D. _business." Dan shot back angrily.

"Heh. That's a 'no' then. You two should just quit now before you embarrass yourselves. Pink girl is probably better off with the big, dumb looking guy here."

"_Heeeey_!" Chris protested.

Elise's eyes narrowed.

"Alright, Sunset. That's enough." The blue haired man insisted forcefully.

"Oh, Flash. I'm just trying to save these two from public ridicule." Sunset said, her smile widening.

Flash snatched Sunset's arm and started to drag her away. "Come on, let's just go practice."

Sunset quickly moved her arm out of Flash's grasp. "Fine! Just make sure you clear out plenty of space for us. I'm tired of having little brats getting tripped up in our death spirals."

Flash sighed as the two walked off and looked back apologetically at the four.

Dan looked at Pinkie. "Are you, okay?" He asked.

"Of course! Why wouldn't I be?" Pinkie asked.

"Well, that demoness said some pretty disparaging things." Dan explained.

"Oh, I don't care about that. I'm just here to have fun!" Pinkie explained with a smile and dismissive wave of her hand.

"Okay, but how cool would it have been if I actually set her hair on fire?" Dan said, grinning.

Pinkie giggled, "Pretty cool. But I would like to _try_ skating before we all start a round of rampant law breaking and assaulting people."

"FINE!" Dan said in a whiny, exasperated tone. "_THEN_ can I set her hair on fire?"

"Dan, you can't just go around setting every person's hair on fire if you don't like them. Los Angeles would become the bald capital of the _whole wide world_ if you did that!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Oh, but it's okay to shoot pancakes at them?" Dan countered with raised eyebrows.

Pinkie frowned. "That was different! She stepped in front of a loaded pancake thrower! People should really know better than to stand in front of siege weaponry."

"I hear that." Chris commented.

Dan sighed, "Alright, fine. Let's just make sure we beat her."

"Dan, it's not about winning! It's about enjoying ourselves!" Pinkie insisted.

Dan grumbled quietly to himself.

"I agree with Pinkie." Chris said.

"Well _I _don't." Said Elise. "Come on, Chris. Let's sign up."

Dan and Pinkie smiled. Dan grinned an evil toothy smile and Pinkie beamed a happy, excited smile.

"Huh?" Chris regarded his wife, his eyes narrowing slightly. "Are you sure?"

"I'm suddenly overcome with a desire to beat that red headed floozy…" Elise explained, "Um…at ice skating." She added hastily.

"Well, okay…" Chris said going up to the counter. "…but you _hate_ ice skating."

"We have some time to practice before the competition." Elise argued. "I'm sure I'll get the hang of it by then…"

Chris looked over his wife with an unsure look, and turned to the sign-in counter.

-ooooooo-

Chris stepped out into the ice as he held both his wife's hands. "Alright, we'll take it nice and slow. Let's start with a few laps."

"Chris! Slow and steady isn't going to let us win, we're going to haWAAAAAAAAH!" Elise immediately lost her footing and slipped to the hard ice as her skates touched the slippery substance.

Chris bent down and helped his wife up to her feet. She stumbled a few times, then fell into him. Holding herself up by wrapping her arms around her large husband's torso. "Or…slow…slow is good."

Chris smiled as Elise slowly pushed herself away from him, and held his hand as they skated a few feet and she went crashing to the ground once more.

"Uhhh…you know, what, honey? Why don't you just do your own thing for a while, and I'll catch up." Elise said with a smile as she laid on her back on the ice.

Chris looked down at his wife. "Are you sure?"

"Sure, I'm sure!" Elise insisted.

"…Do you at least want me to help you up?"

"No no…I'll get it. You go have fun." Elise said with a wide, upside-down smile.

Chris smiled. "Alright, sweetie! See you on the rink!" Chris skated off, quickly accelerating into a blazing speed as he made his way around the rink.

Elise let out a loud sigh and continued laying on the cold ice.

"Now, now…let's just go slow. No need to rush this, you're doing fine." A wobbly Dan said, holding onto the hands of an equally wobbly Pinkie Pie.

"Dan! I'm fine!" She insisted. "I'm just getting a feel to the ice. That's all."

"That's all, _nothing_! Look at you! You can barely stay on your feeeaAAAAAAAH!" Dan lost his footing and fell to the ice, dragging Pinkie with him. The two landed on their stomachs and slid a bit in a heap until they were stopped by Elise who had elected to stay on the ice.

"Hehehe!" Pinkie giggled. "Hey, Elise! Having fun?"

"Oh…the time of my life." Elise said flatly, looking up towards the ceiling.

A voice rang out over the loud speakers. "Well, I hope you're all having an _ice _time out there and enjoying the _ice _weather!"

Dan looked up, "Did…did that man just make the same horrible pun _twice_ in one _**sentence**_?"

"_Hehe_, 'ice'." Pinkie said.

"_DON'T ENCORAGE HIM_!" Dan commanded.

"Dan, I don't think he can hear her." Elise commented

Pinkie slowly climbed to her feat, putting her arms out for balance.

Suddenly, a blue and orange Chris blur approached, jumped, and spun his body twice before skates touched the ground and Chris continued at a rapid pace down the rink.

"Ooo! Ooo! I wanna try that!" Pinkie said, slowly skating after Chris.

She looked back at Dan and Elise. "Er…you two coming?" She asked.

"No." Dan replied. "I'm doing a great job of getting a feel for the ice from down here."

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. "Alright, see you two out there." Pinkie continued her wobbly journey down the ice.

Dan sighed. "Ten bucks says she breaks a leg."

Elise raised an index finger. "I'll bet ten on her arm." She responded.

The two looked up as Sunset rapidly approached, and just as rapidly stopped, spraying the two with ice. "You two _do_ know that ice skating involves actually skating, right?" She asked, it becoming increasingly clear that 'mocking' was her default tone of voice.

Elise and Dan wiped ice off their faces and glared up at her.

"Hey!" Elise shouted out. "My husband and I are going to mop the _floor_ with you out on the ice." Elise, rotating her body and attempting to lift herself up with her arms.

Sunset snickered and smiled a wide grin showing all her teeth, she lowered her body to get closer to Elise. "Don't tell me you entered, too. Now there's _four_ people who are going to go home in tears." Sunset flicked Elise's chin with an index finger. Quickly standing up to get out of Elise's reach.

Elise made a frustrated growl. "Come on Dan. I know places we can send her where she'll never be found again!"

Dan smiled, "Works for me."

Dan and Elise unsteadily stood up on their skates, desperately clinging to each other for balance and quickly finding out the neither was very surefooted. The two quickly ended back in a heap on the ice.

Sunset lifted a hand in front of her mount and began laughing. "_Hahahaha._ I can't believe you two think you have a chance, let alone are even out on the ice. Your partners would have to be _professionals_ for you two to even stand a chance."

Chris rapidly approached the group, a giant smile adorning his face. "Triple Salchow!" He called out. He jumped from the back inside edge of a skate, rotated three times, and landed on his opposite skate continuing his skating. "_Nailed it_!" He sung to himself.

Sunset paused. "Okay, so one of you is competent. Still, he's never going to win if he has to carry dead weight around the…"

A pink blur rapidly followed Chris, "Ooo! Ooo! Let _me_ try!" Pinkie also said with an excited smile. She also pressed off with the back inside edge of a skate, rotated three times, and safely landed continuing her skating.

Dan's, Elise's, and Sunset's jaws dropped.

Dan turned to Elise. "Uh…so who wins the bet?"

"I think Pinkie just did…" Elise responded.

"Sunset!" Flash called out, skating up towards the group. "Leave those two alone. I thought we were practicing…"

Sunset turned to flash. "Never mind that. We need to talk about something." Sunset began skating towards the rink entrance.

Dan and Elise attempted standing again, this time avoiding the pitfall of relying on the other for balance.

Flash approached them, "Uh, sorry about Sunset she's kinda…"

Dan interrupted, "A horrible person with no redeeming qualities whose slowly taken over every aspect of your life to the point where you're wondering if your life is even your own or if you're simply the next in a long line of accessories that she uses and throws away when she no longer has a use for them?"

Flash's eyes went wide as he scratched the back of his head. "Uhhh…I was going to say 'competitive'…but…"

"_FLASH_! Stop fraternizing with the enemy and _get __**over**__ here!_"

Flash sighed and skated over to Sunset.

"Dan?" Elise began.

"_What_?" Dan said in a complaining tone. "She's _appallingly_ terrible. If we can't beat her on the ice, I figure I can at least screw with her love life." Dan explained.

"Good job." Elise said simply.

"Oh…thanks…" Dan sighed. "She's right though… There are kids out here that skate better than us. Pinkie and Chris would be better with a couple of them as partners."

"Dan! That's it!"

"...You want to kidnap a couple of children and force them to skate with Chris and Pinkie? I mean…it's not a _perfect_ plan, but I'm _in_ all the same."

"No! Not _kids_. They should partner with _each other_! Just look at them!"

Dan looked out into the rink as

"Thorw me! Throw me!" Pinkie pleaded with Chris as he held her aloft.

Chris obeyed.

"_Wheeeeeeeeee_!" Pinkie rotated twice in the air, and landed on her skates, continuing keeping pace with Chris.

Dan paused. "You mean we would get out of skating _AND _Sunset would lose?! Elise! That's a _perfect_ plan!"

Elise smiled. "_Iknowright?!_"

-ooooooo-

"Sunset! What's the big deal?!" Flash asked, throwing his hands to the sides.

"The big, deal!?" Sunset raised her forearms and hands up and motioned emphatically with them "THE BIG DEAL?! Two of those idiots aren't just _good_, they're _ridiculously_ good!"

"Okay, so?"

"SO! They're going to switch partners so those two are skating together!" Sunset folded her arms together. "It's what I would do if I came across someone better." She explained.

"Geez, thanks." Flash responded, narrowing his eyes. "Anyways, who cares if they win? You have _dozens_ of trophies already! So what?"

Sunset closed the distance between her and flash to a few inches and leveled an angry index finger at him. "_I DON'T LOOSE! EVER!_"

Flash put his hands up defensively and took a few steps back.

Sunset took a calming breath. "Look! This is an easy fix. I just need you to go out there with a baton and club the pink girl in the knee."

"_WHAT_?!" Flash said as his expression gave way to complete shock. "Sunset! I'm not going to assault a girl with a baton!"

Sunset paused. "Fine…the big guy, then."

"NO! What is _wrong_ with you?!"

Tears began to well up in Sunsets eyes, "Oh Flash! I'm sorry…I just want to win _so much_. Ever since I was a little girl…"

Flash began waving his arms horizontally back in forth in front of him. "No! _Stop_! Not the 'little girl' routine. It was _not_ your dream to win a random non-qualifying skating competition when you were a little girl. And even if it _was_, you've already done it time and time again!" Flash paused. "Also, I'm pretty sure assaulting another team is grounds for disqualification."

Sunset looked to the ceiling, raising her hands into claws with a frustrated "Grrrrrrrrrr!" She lowered her hands slightly and looked at Flash. "FINE! We'll just beat them in the competition! But one screw up, one missed Axel, or Salchow and we're _through!_"

Flash sighed.

_I need to find myself a nice, quiet girl. Maybe someone who's just really into books…_

_-ooooooo-_

"Hey! Skate dispenser." Dan called out at the ice rink cashier. "We need to change a registration!"

The cashier sighed. "No changing registrations. If you want to start a new one, it's twenty five dollars."

"WHAT?!" Dan roared. "That's _**outrageous**_! They're already in the competition!" Dan turned to Elise. "You hold him, I'll start hitting!"

Elise put a hand on Dan's shoulder. "Don't worry. I got it." Elise pulled out her wallet and handed the cashier a $20 and a $5.

The cashier handed her a clipboard. "Are you two forfeiting? Because there's a thirty five dollar forfeiting fee."

"WHY WOULD WE NEED TO PAY TO QUIT?!" Dan demanded. "_**AND WHY IS QUITING MORE EXPENSIVE THAN SIGNING UP**_?!"

The cashier shrugged, "You'll _have_ to if you want to free up your partners."

Dan erupted into a volcano of incomprehensible growls.

Elise sat down the clipboard, and in a flash of agility, she jumped over the counter and put the cashiers arms in a lock. "Two minutes, and then we switch." She said to Dan.

"Wait, what?!" The cashier called out.

Dan's face of rage changed to a wide, evil smile as he pulled his fist back.

-ooooooo-

"Hey, Pinkie?" Chris called out as Pinkie skated alongside him.

"Yes, Chris?"

"Have you seen Dan or Elise anywhere?"

"Uhh…" Pinkie shook her head back and forth vigorously.

The two braked their skating and looked around.

"Huh. They're not even out here." Chris said.

"Oops…I guess I was having so much fun, I didn't even notice." Pinkie admitted.

"You're a _really _good skater by the way!" Chris said with a smile.

"Thanks! You, too. But maybe we should go find…"

The loudspeakers began booming once more. "Wow! I've never seen so many people packed like sardines for a non-qualifying pairs skating competition! _Speaking _of pairs, did you hear the one about the two strangers who skated out into the middle of a frozen pond? The met up and broke the _ice_! Hahahaha. Oh, I love that one…"

Suddenly, there was the sound of a door slamming open over the speaker system. "HELP! Two irate competitors just took turns holding me down and punching me! AND THEY STILL NEED TO PAY THEIR FORFETING FEES!"

"Whoa there! It's nothing to get punchy over!"

"_**WHY**_ ARE YOU STILL MAKING HORRIBLE PUNS!? WE NEED HELP!"

"What's wrong? Can't take a little _pun_ishme…_OH GOD_!"

The announcer was cut off as the sounds of panicked yelping, screaming, violence, and maniacal laughter filled the arena.

"Oh!" Pinkie said, pointing up. "There they are!"

Chris's eyes went wide. "Should we…you know _stop them_?!"

Pinkie shrugged. "They didn't seem like they were enjoying skating anyhow. At least _now _they're having fun. And, Hey! They're getting along for a change! It's win-win for everybody!" Pinkie pointed out excitedly.

Chris raised an eyebrow, "Except their victims, of course."

Pinkie thought about this for a second tapping an index finger against her cheek. "Yeah…well the cashier and announcer didn't even get a physical descriptions or anything. I don't think anyone actually cares." She said with a shrug.

"Uh…fair enough…I guess."

Pinkie smiled. "So! I guess we're partners then!"

Chris matched her smile, "I guess we are."

"Ooo! Can you throw me a bunch of times during the competition? It's REALLY fun!"

Chris laughed, "Sure, Pinkie!"

"Ooo! Ooo! And do that thing where you hold my hand and I lie really, really, _really _close to the ground and you spin me super-fast! That one's the _best_!"

Chris maintained his smile. "You mean a 'death spiral'? Sure."

"_THAT'S_ what it's called!? Geez…I didn't know pairs figure skating was so…_metal_."

-ooooooo-

Sunset skated up to the judges. A dark completed middle aged woman flanked by two middle aged men. All three wore white, powdered wigs, and black robes. "Are you three just going to let this happen?! This has _got _to be a violation of the rules! Disqualify them!"

The two male judges conferred with the one female judges in between them.

"The judges have decided." The female judge began.

Sunset smiled and nodded. "Good."

"We've decided that if these two aren't competing, then there hasn't been any violation of conduct."

"WHAT?! Oh, come on!"

The female judge held up a hand. "We've _also _decided we never liked the announcer or his horrible puns either. And furthermore, that there's no such thing as a _'forfeiting fee' _and our cashier was likely _scamming_ skaters. So he also got what he deserved."

"You _can't_ be serious!" Sunset said in disbelief.

The female judge raised an index finger. "The judge tribunal has spoken! Now…_be gone_!" She said with a dismissive wave.

Sunset grumbled a number of unpleasant things under her breath and skated away.

-ooooooo-

Dan giggled. "Hehe. Not that I'm complaining, but I can't believe they haven't even sent anyone up here!"

Elise smiled. "They don't seem to have much in the way of security, do they?"

"Maybe the ice rink had a hiring freeze." Dan said with a smile.

Elise punched him in the arm.

"OW! What was that for?"

"No!" Elise leveled an index finger at Dan. "No more puns! That's why we beat up the announcer in the first place."

"Yeah…I guess you're right." Dan sighed out. "So…I guess this is the list of skaters…and songs?" Dan called out.

"Uh-oh…we never picked out a song for Chris and Pinkie…" Elise said.

Dan held up a hand. "I think I know them well enough to pick out something suitably awesome."

The hints of a grin appeared on Elise's face. "I'll leave it to you, then."

Dan sighed. "I guess we better get all these other competitors out of the way." Dan walked up to the microphone. "Alright, ladies and gents! There's a new sheriff in town. Punning is now an offense punishable by savage beating and we've got a skate competition to run. So, let's get started…"

*many, many, pair skaters later*

"And for our _**next**_ performance!" Dan rang out, clearly having gotten in the spirit of his new, ill-gotten position. "Sunset Shimmer and Flash Sentry…Wait, _seriously_?! Elise, was there some sort of awesome name bus our age group missed out on?"

"They're _PSEUDONYMS_, you MORON!" Sunset called out at the announcing box.

"…WHY WOULD YOU EVEN NEED _PSEUDONYMS?!"_

"So I don't get _MOBBED_ by stalkers! _**D'uh**_!"

"**WHO WOULD EVEN **_**WANT**_** TO STALK YOU**?! Except to maybe _**burn**_ your house down after _MEETING_ you…I…oh, okay, you have a point." Dan admitted.

"JUST GET THE SONG READY, JERK!"

After a brief pause, the sounds of string instruments and a drum beat was heard as Brittney Spear's _Toxic_ began to play and...

A window to the announcer's box shattered as a shoe was throw through it.

"_**THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT SONG**_!" Sunset screamed. "GET IT RIGHT OR I'LL COME UP THEIR AND SLIT YOUR THROAT WITH AN ICE SKATE!"

"Wow, Dan." Elise began. "I think you just found your soul mate."

Dan regarded the shoe, picked it up, and leveled a glare at Elise. "Did you just pun?"

"What…I didn't…" Elise looked at the shoe and sighed. "Okay…go ahead and thr_OW_!" Elise exclaimed as the shoe impacted the side of her head. Elise looked down at the black and white sneaker. "Whose shoe _IS_ this?"

"Can I have my shoe back?" Flash called out from the ground.

Elise stood up and looked out into the rink. She picked up the shoe and lobbed it in Flash's direction.

"Thank you!" Flash called out.

Dan sighed and swapped a CD into a player. He pressed a few buttons and the rink was filled with the sounds of rhythmic clicks quickly joined by the sounds of a tin whistle.

Sunset's angry expression faded as her pupils dilated and an evil looking grin spread across her face. She and Flash skated out into the rink in rhythm to the music. A bass drum entered the fray of sound and gave way to rapid percussion followed by guitars as Flash and Sunset began spinning rapidly in unison from a standing position and lowering themselves while extending a leg until finishing in a sitting position as they continued to spin.

Wicked smile plastered on her face, Sunset stood up and held out her hands. Flash grabbed a hold as they skated, Sunset skating backwards.

-"_Her breath began to speak"  
-"As she stood right in front of me"  
-"The colour of her eyes"  
-"Were the colour of insanity" _

Flash picked up Sunset and flung her into the air.

-"_Crushed beneath her wave" _

Sunset spun a couple times, and fell back into Flash's waiting grasp.

-"_Like a ship, I could not reach her shore" _

Flash set Sunset down as the two held hands and gained speed around the rink. Suddenly the lights in the rink changed to an assortment of red and yellows that turned orange when they intersected.

-"_We're all just dancers on the Devil's Dance Floor"  
_

Sunset lowered to the ground diagonally away from flash as he bended his knees in a crouch. Sunset extended her body as far as she could. It circled Flash mere inches off the ground as the two rapidly spiraled with Flash at the epicenter and a Sunset extended outwards. Her hand holding Flash's and a single skate that touched the ice the only two things keeping her from falling.

-"_Well swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o"  
-"Swing a little more, a little more next to me"  
-"Swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o"  
-"Swing a little more, on the Devil's Dance Floor"_

Flash raised Sunset up as she pressed against him and the two continued skating.

-"_Pressed against her face"  
-"I could feel her insecurity" _

The two parted and began skating side by side.

-"_Her mother'd been a drunk"  
-"And her father was obscurity" _

The two jumped into the air.

"_But nothin' ever came" _

Spun three times.

-"_From a life that was a simple one"_

And landed, continuing skating side by side.

-"_So pull yourself together girl"  
-"And have a little fun"_

Sunset reached out to grab Flashes hand, as a yellow light enveloped them

-"_Well she took me by the hand"  
-"I could see she was a fiery one" _

Sunset lifted a leg high into the air and placed it on Flash's shoulder. Flash held on to both her hands as they continued to skate.

-"_Her legs ran all the way"  
-"Up to heaven and past Avalon" _

Flash and Sunset let go of a hand briefly as Sunset lowered her leg and reached out for Flash's hand once more, facing him with the same smile she had worn since the beginning of the song.

-"_Tell me somethin' girl, what it is you have in store" _

Sunset and Flash freed a hand and extended their bodies away from each other, a red and yellow light intersected, turning the couple orange.

-"_She said come with me now"  
-"On the Devil's Dance Floor"  
_

The two began another spiral. This time, Sunset turned so her back was towards the ice, supported herself on a leg, and extended the other leg out, leaning her head down as Flash continued to spin her around and around himself.

-"_Well swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o"  
-"Swing a little more, a little more next to me"  
-"Swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o"  
-"Swing a little more, on the Devil's Dance Floor"  
-"Swing a little more, on the Devil's Dance Floor"_

"Elise? What the heck are we watching?!" Dan exclaimed.

"Uhhh…pairs figure skating?" Elise offered meekly.

"I've _SEEEN _pairs figure skating. It's like two bored dancers having a snooze fest over a field of ice with the occasional spin or jump. This _is_…intense." Dan offered.

"Well…she's very, _very_ good. I'll give her that…What's with all the red and yellow lights?"

Dan frowned as he pushed an assortment of buttons in time with the music. "I'm being transfixed by her witchcraft and Celtic punk, Elise! You _have_ to stop me!"

"Uhhh…I'm not sure I could if I wanted to. This is too good. I just hope Chris and Pinkie can match _this._" Elise stated motioning out into the rink.

Chris looked out as Flash and Sunset proceeded to a number more jumps, throws, and spins. "Wow! They're really good! Don't you think so Pinkie?..Pinkie?" Chris looked down at Pinkie.

Pinkie stood transfixed on the scene in front of her. Expressionless and motionless except for her eyes that frantically followed the skaters' every move. The world seemed very far away as the music played in her ears and the two skaters continued their mad, frenzied dance across the fiery icescape.

Flash and Sunset held hands as the two spun around, their hands at the epicenter.

-"_Well swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o"  
-"Swing a little more, a little more next to me" _

The two bended their knees and lowered themselves closer to the ice, continuing to hold hands.

-"_Swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o"  
-"Swing a little more, on the Devil's Dance Floor"_

The two broke contact and spun away from each other, raising to their feet, and skating around the rink in unison again. They executed another jump, spinning in the air in unison, and touched ice again. They closed the distance and held hands again.

_-"The apple now is sweet"  
-"Oh much sweeter than it ought to be" _

Flash pulled Sunset in close.

-"_Another little bite" _

Lifted her.

-"_I don't think there is much hope for me" _

And flung her into the air.

-"_The sweat beneath her brow" _

Sunset spun her body a few times.

-"_Travels all the way" _

And landed on her skates.

-"_An' headin' south" _

And turned to skate back towards Flash, grabbing his hands once more.

-"_This bleedin' heart's cryin'" _

A red light passed over Sunset, casting dark shadows over her evil, grinning expression.

-"_Cause there's no way out"  
_

The two began a third spiral. Once again, Sunset extended her body out as far as it would go. Only supported by Flash and a single skate. This time, she laid back towards the ice. The back of her head, inches off the ground.

-"_Well swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o"  
-"Swing a little more, a little more next to me"  
-"Swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o"  
-"Swing a little more, on the Devil's Dance Floor"  
_

Flash lifted Sunset up again. And the two rapidly skated together holding a hand to gain speed.

-"_Well swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o"  
-"Swing a little more, a little more next to me" _

Flash spiraledSunset around him again. Sunset supported herself on a leg, and bent the other one towards her back, grabbing it with her free hand. Slowly, Flash lowered her to the ground and Sunset extended her leg. She craned her neck, bringing her face within inches of the ice.

-"_Swing a little more, little more o'er the merry-o"  
-"Swing a little more, on the Devil's Dance Floor"  
-"Swing a little more, on the Devil's Dance Floor"_

Flash brought Sunset back up to her feet.

_-"Swing a little more, on the" _

The two skated forward, Jumped,

-"_Devil's" _

Spun three times,

-"_Dance" _

And hit the ice simultaneously.

-"_Floor"_

The two flung their arms out as the song finished.

The crowd exploded into wild cheers.

The two skated back to the entrance to the rink, frantically trying to catch their breaths.

Sunset turned to Pinkie. "_Huff…pufff…_beat THAT!"

Pinkie shook her head and her eyes adjusted to the light as if she had just woken up from a deep sleep. She turned to Sunset. Pinkie's blank slate of a face gave way to a smile that started slowly and eventually spread across her entire face. "That was _AMAZING_! I loved it!"

"Uh…you did?" Sunset asked, surprised that Pinkie would complement what was certainly going to be the skating she lost to.

Pinkie nodded her head vigorously, "I learned so much just from watching you two! I can't _wait _to try some of that out when it's my turn!"

"_WHAT_?!" Sunset exclaimed.

_It took me months to get those spins right, and I nearly killed myself…and Flash, I guess… doing them. Either she's a savant, or she's going to get herself killed._

_Fingers crossed that it's the later…_

"And _FINALLY_, our last contestants; Chris Pearson and Pinkamena Diane Pie!" Dan called out.

"Oops! Speak of the devil." Pinkie said with a giggle. "Come on, Chris! We _**have**_ to do one of those spinny things where you hold my hand and I hold myself like this!" Pinkie continued skating on one leg, and bent her other behind her back, holding her skate with a hand as she extended the other one out. "It looked like so much fun!"

"Heh. Sure Pinkie." Chris said simply.

Sunset shimmer gawked after them.

_She can't be human…she just can't be._

"Huh." Chris said. "I just realized we don't have a song."

"Oh, you're right! I wonder if Dan and Elise…"

-"_Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time"_

Chris and Pinkie smiled at each other and extended their hands out towards each other.

-"_I feel alive"  
-"And the world, I'll turn it inside out, yeah"_

The two slowly began skating around the rink.

-"_I'm floating around in ecstasy"_

The two let go of each other's hands.

-"_So" _

In unison, the two jumped slightly and spun once.

-"_don't" _

They hit the ground, and bounded off again.

-"_stop" _

Their skates lightly touched the ice and they jumped and spun again.

-"_me" _

And again.

-"_now"  
_The two smiled at each other again and picked up speed.

-"_Don't stop me"_

The two raced across the rink.

-"_'cause I'm having a good time"  
-"Having a good time"_

Chris picked up Pinkie and flung her into the air.

_-"I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky"_

Pinkie spun three times before Chris caught her and set her down again.

-"_Like a tiger defying the laws of the gravity"_

The two zoomed around the rink at a breathtaking speed.

-"_I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva"_

In unison, the two jumped off the ice again…

-"_I'm gonna go go go there's no stopping me"_

…and executed two perfectly synchronized triple spins.

-"_I'm burning through the sky, yeah"_

The two reached out for each other's hands and continued their rapid skating.

-"_Two hundred degrees that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit"  
-"I'm travelling at the speed of light"_

The two turned, facing each other and grabbed the others free hand and began rapidly spinning, bending their knees and extending a leg out, lowering themselves to the ground.

-"_I wanna make a supersonic man out of you"  
_

Chris and Pinkie let go of a hand and extended their arms. Pinkie extended her body out with her back towards the ice, supporting herself on skate, and Chris lowered his body holding Pinkie's body inches off the ground.

-"_Don't stop me now"  
-"I'm having such a good time"  
-"I'm having a ball"  
-"Don't stop me now"  
-"If you wanna have a good time"  
-"Just give me a call"  
-"Don't stop me now"  
-"'cause I'm having a good time"_

Chris raised Pinkie back up.

-"_Don't stop me now"  
-"Yes I'm having a good time"_

The two continued their rapid race across the rink.

-"_I don't wanna stop at all, yeah"  
_

Chris lifted Pinkie again and threw her into the air.

-"_I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars"_

Pinkie rotated several times.

-"_On a collision course"_

Hit the ground.

-"_I am a satellite"_

And began rapidly spinning in place.

-"_I'm out of control"_

Chris reached out and, lifted her, and placed her on the ground as he held her hand…

-"_I'm a sex machine ready to reload"_

…spinning at the same rapid pace as Pinkie extended her arm, and a leg, lifting her other leg towards her back and grabbing her skate.

-"_Like an atom bomb about to oh oh oh oh oh explode!"_

Pinkiereleased Chris's hand and continued spinning on a single leg with her arm extended as she continued to hold a leg and arm behind her back.

-"_I'm burning through the sky, yeah"  
-"Two hundred degrees that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit"_

Chris dashed over to Pinkie and picked her up, spinning with the same momentum the punk blur of curly hair was maintaining moments before

-"_I'm travelling at the speed of light"  
-"I wanna make a supersonic woman of you"_

Chris threw Pinkie into the air again as she spun. She landed back safely in Chris hands.

-"_Don't stop me don't stop me, don't stop me hey hey hey!"_

"**Did…did she let go on a death spiral**?!" Flash asked in disbelief.

-"_Don't stop me don't stop me ooh ooh ooh"_

"AND SUPPORTED HERSELF _WHILE_ SPINNING?!" He added.

-"_I like it"_

Sunset said nothing and glared fiery daggers at the skating pair.

-"_Don't stop me don't stop me"_

Elise and Dan stood in silence looking out into the rink.

-"_Have a good time good time"  
-"Don't stop me don't stop me"_

"Nice song, pick by the way." Elise said breaking the silence.

-"_ohhhhhhh!"_

"Thanks but…Did you know Chris was _this _good?!" Dan said motioning out into the rink with both hands.

-"_Alright..."_

"Of _**course**_ not! I guess I should go skating with him more often." Elise mused, eyes still fixed to the couple. "What surprises me more is Pinkie!"

"And to think she was tripping over everything that stood more than an inch off the ground a few hours ago." Dan commented

_-"ohhhhhhh"_

Chris held Pinkie high in the air, supporting her by a leg and her stomach as she extended her arms to her side and a leg out behind her.

-"_Burning through the sky yeah"  
-"Two hundred degrees that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit"_

The two continued at breakneck speeds as Chris lowered Pinkie to the ground.

-"_I'm travelling at the speed of light"_

The two joined hands again, and once again began spinning and lowering themselves closer to the ground.

-"_I wanna make a supersonic man out of you"  
_

The two began another spiral. Chris lifted a leg and grabbed a skate with a hand as he extended Pinkie out. Pinkie leaned backwards, extending her head and leg out as Chris spun her.

-"_Don't stop me now"  
-"I'm having such a good time"  
-"I'm having a ball"  
-"Don't stop me now"  
-"If you wanna have a good time"  
-"Just give me a call"  
-"Don't stop me now"  
-"'cause I'm having a good time"  
-"Don't stop me now"  
-"Yes I'm having a good time"  
-"I don't wanna stop at all"_

Pinkie extended her arm out to Chris he helped her and the two began slowly skating around the rink to the roaring cheers of the crowd.

-"_Da da da da daaaa da da da"  
-"Ha da da ha ha ha ha"  
-"Ha da da da da"  
-"Hooh oohh"_

Pinkie skated up to Sunset Shimmer. "Ohmygosh! _Ohmygosh_! That was _so_"

"_much_"

"_**FUN**_!"

A vein became visible on Sunset's forehead as her eye twitched. "I'll _DESTROY YOU_!" Sunset leaped at Pinkie, but was quickly stopped as Flash wrapped her arms around her.

"That's enough, Sunset. Let's give them some space before you get us kicked out." Flash said, dragging the kicking and screaming woman away.

Pinkie merely looked after the two with a disappointed look on her face.

Chris skated up to Pinkie. "Pinkie, that was incredible! Where'd you learn how to do that?!" He asked.

Pinkie turned to Chris and smiled. "A few minutes ago when I was watching Sunset and Flash."

"WHAT?! That's _impossible_!"

"Silly Chris! It was mostly just things I saw Sunset doing…" Pinkie looked to the side and gave herself a little grin. "_Mostly_."

Chris sighed.

_Right, I forgot I was supposed to stop asking questions…_

_-ooooooo-_

"Oh"

"My"

"GOSH!" Elise exclaimed. "My husband is _amazing_!"

Dan just sighed sadly to himself.

"What's your problem?" Elise asked raising an eyebrow.

Dan looked up at her. "Do you think we're going to have to go skating more often?"

Elise smiled and shrugged. "I'm sure the two of us can always find something else to occupy ourselves with if that happens."

Loud banging sounded out from a closed door. _"WHY HAVEN'T WE BEEN LET OUT, YET?!"_

"Yeah, they're really keeping us in the _**dark **_here!" Another voice rang out.

"AHHHHH! I _**HATE**_ YOU SO MUCH!"

"The JUDGES have reached a decision!" A female voice spoke out dramatically.

Dan and Elise turned to face the three judges that walked up and into the announcer's booth.

"Well! What is it?" Dan asked.

"We have decided that we can't decide between the final two contestants! TROPHIES FOR EVERYONE!" The judge announced dramatically

"WHAT?!" Dan and Elise exclaimed in unison.

"That's ridiculous! Just make them have a skate off, or something." Dan suggested irritably.

"You dare defy the will of the non-qualifying competition judge tribunal!?"

"I _do_ dare!" Dan said.

The female judge pointed out at Dan and Elise. "Judges! Exert your judicial powers upon them!"

The two male judges walked forward into a hailstorm of fists and kicks that quickly left them beaten and subdued.

The female judge paused. "Skate off, it is."

Dan grinned a toothy smile and grabbed the microphone. "The judges are deadlocked on the winner. The final two contestant will have _skate off_!"

The crowd roared in approval.

"A SKATE OFF?!" Sunset screamed at the booth. "WHAT KIND OF NONESENSE IS THIS?!"

"Don't look at _me_!" Dan said into the microphone. "It was either that or you _both win_!"

"Ooo! Ooo! Let's do that instead!" Pinkie insisted.

Sunset turned and glared at Pinkie. "No way! I'm not sharing my victory with the likes of you. Come on Flash."

Flash sighed as Sunset reached for his hand. The two skated out into the center.

"We're going to do the mother of all death spirals!" Sunset announced.

"Fine. Fine." Flash muttered as the two picked up speed.

"Awww…I was _really_ hoping we'd both win…" Pinkie exclaimed.

Sunset looked back at her. "I'm going to mop the ice with that stupid looking curly mess you call hair." She turned back towards the rink.

Chris smiled and held out his hand. "Come on…I bet we can skate circles around them!"

Pinkie took his hand and smiled. "Literally, or figuratively?"

Chris chuckled. "Hehe, 'figuratively'" He said to himself. "But let's maybe try _literally_ first."

"Ooo! Ooo! Do you think you can pick me up and spin around really, _really_, _**really**_ fast while doing it?!" Pinkie asked excitedly.

"That sounds ludicrously dangerous and probably physically impossible."

Pinkie frowned.

Chris smiled. "Let's do it."

Pinkie beamed. "Yay!"

Flash extended his arm out as Sunset held tight. She turned her back to the ice as the couple began lowering themselves. She extended her leg on the ice, far, far away and the two began rapidly spiraling as Sunset was held a mere inch of the ground.

Chris and Pinkie skated out towards the couple and began skating around them in a wide circle. Once the two had achieved a rapid speed, Chris Lifted Pinkie into the air, supporting her with both hands on her stomach.

"_Wheeee_!" Pinkie through her arms and legs out to the side as Chris began to spin in the same circular arc as before. The two spun into a blur until they resembled a top, spinning rapidly over the ice.

Without warning, the circle they were spinning on cracked, and the ice fractured. The circle of ice containing Flash and Sunset capsized into icy water that the two quickly found themselves submerged in.

Elise motioned out into the rink. "HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! THERE WASN'T EVEN ANY WATER _UNDER _THE RINK!"

Dan paused. "Ummm…" He turned to the judges. "I think that's 'game' those two just broke the rink with their skating…not to mention many laws of physics and reality…"

The female judge nodded. "Thankfully the non-qualifying competition judge tribunal does not recognize the laws of physics _or_ reality within these halls." She leaned down to the microphone. "Pinkie and Chris are the winners!"

Pinkie and Chris stopped spinning and Chris gently set Pinkie on the ground.

"Whoawhoawhoa…" Pinkie dizzily skated around and regained her balance. With a huge smile, she skated up to Chris and gave him a giant hug. "We did it!" She said excitedly.

Chris beamed proudly. "We sure did. Just…don't ask me how…"

Dan and Elise ran down the crowded arena steps towards the rink.

"Chris! Pinkie!" Elise cried out. "You two where absolutely spectacular!"

Dan and Elise touched ice with their feet simultaneously, and immediately flew backwards, hitting their heads' on the rink entrance floor.

"Ow." Elise said simply.

"Yes, Elise." Dan agreed. "Very, 'ow'."

Pinkie and Chris skated up to the downed pair and helped them back onto their feet.

Elise immediately leapt up to plant a passionate kiss on her husband's lips as Chris's arms encircled her.

"Uh. Hi, honey."

"Chris! That was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen! I'm so, so proud of you!"

Chris smiled and leaned in to give his wife another kiss.

"Gross!" Dan commented. "Get a room, you…" Dan stopped as he felt Pinkie's crushing embrace, her soft face rubbing energetically against his rough stubble.

"DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! _DIDJA SEE ME_?! _**DIDJASEEM**_E?!"

Dan struggled in Pinkie's grip enough to look her in the face and smiled. "Yes Pinkie. You were absolutely incredible. Where'd you learn to skate like…"

Chris interrupted. "Don't ask, Dan. You'll be happier that way." He explained.

Dan looked back at Pinkie holding his smile and shrugged. "Fair enough."

The four paused as they heard splashing and frantic sputters from the rink as Flash and Sunset emerged from the water and struggled to climb onto the slippery ice.

"Oh! Chris! We better go help them." Pinkie skated off towards the pair, Chris in pursuit.

Chris bent down to help up Flash, who graciously accepted.

Pinkie bent down to help Sunset. "You were the most spectacularly great skater I ever SAW!" Pinkie said with a smile as she held out a hand to help Sunset.

Sunset elected to spit a large amount of water onto the face of Pinkie in lieu of accepting her help.

"HEY! Your hair _will_ dry, and when it does I'm going to turn your head into a roman candle!" Dan called out from the rink entrance.

Pinkie frowned and wiped away the water.

"Get lost." Sunset said to Pinkie. "For your sake, I hope we never meet again."

Pinkie sighed, and began skating back to the entrance of the rink.

Chris frowned at Sunset and continued on after Pinkie.

Sunset reached out a hand. "Help me up, Flash."

"Yeah…so…I'm breaking up with you." Flash stated.

"WHAT?! _WHY_?!" Sunset demanded.

"I uhh…I think I hate you…like…with every _fiber_ of my being. You are without a doubt the worst human being I have ever met. So..." Flash put on a happy smile and waved. "Bye!" He skated away towards the rink entrance.

"Wait! Flash! At least get me out of the water!" Sunset pleaded.

The lights in the stadium went dim with a loud _'THOMB'_.

"Uhhh…anybody?! _**PLEASE**_?!"

'_THOMB' _

The lights went out completely, leaving Sunset in the cold, dark water.

"…please? I think…I think hypothermia is starting to kick in…"

-ooooooo-

Out in the dark parking lot, people filled out into the warm Sothern California night. Lights from the parking lot shinning down on them and the cars.

Dan and Pinkie walked side by side.

Elise walked firmly attached to her husband's arm.

"I can't believe we went through all that just for…THAT!" Dan commented, motioning to the small trophy adorned by a golden pair of figure skaters in Pinkie's hand.

Pinkie shrugged. "Flash did say it was for amateurs. Besides…" Pinkie smiled wide. "I didn't care about winning. I'm just glad everyone had fun…in their own ways, of course." She added with a sly grin directed at Dan and Elise

Dan and Elise exchanged a glance and chuckled.

"So," Dan began. "You work out your balance?"

Pinkie turned to him. "Are you kidding?!" She said, excitedly handing him the trophy. "Watch _THIS_!"

Pinkie spread her legs, put her hands into the air, and leaned sidewise onto her hand executing a perfect cartwheel directly into the side of a car.

Dan cringed at the impact.

Pinkie giggled at herself from the ground. "Hehehe. Whoops! I need to remember to look where I'm going when I do that."

Dan quickly walked over and helped Pinkie to her feet.

Chris piped up, "So? Dinner?" He said with a large grin.

Dan furrowed his brow at Chris as Pinkie wrapped her arms around on of Dan's. "Excuse you, Mr. Feedbags. But _I _was promised a game system and a new T.V. for my troubles."

Chris frowned, "Dan…everything's closed at this hour."

Dan's expression sank into gloom.

Pinkie grinned mischievously. "Didn't stop us last time." She sang out.

Chris looked surprise and looked down at Dan and Pinkie. "What? You and Dan…"

"She means her and me." Elise said with a smile looking up at Chris.

Chris looked down at Elise. "You?!"

Elise shrugged and smiled encouragingly at her husband. "Come on! A few cut wires, a few picked locks, some quiet sneaking. We'll be in and out before anyone know we were there."

Chris began to look pensive.

"Ooo! Ooo! Can we stop at Dan and my apartment first! I have night vision googles now! They're so…_night visiony_!"

Elise nodded. "Of course!" She said enthusiastically.

"I hope you have another pair for _me_." Dan stressed.

Pinkie nodded vigorously, "Silly Danny! I got enough for everybody!"

"Even me?" Chris asked with a giddy smile.

Pinkie looked up at Chris and winked. "Especially you, skate partner."

Chris's attitude immediately did a 180. "Come on everyone! Let's go commit breaking and entering and pay for everything we take!"

Pinkie raised a triumphant arm. "Yay!" She let go of Dan's arm and turned to him "Race ya to the car!"

"Umm…I'm good…"

Pinkie dashed off to the nearest car, jumped on the hood, ran up to the roof of the car and began bounding from car top to car top towards the blue sedan.

Dan paused and sighed with a small smile. He felt a large hand on his shoulder and looked up to Chris.

"Guess you'll have to get use to not being better at her at everything." Chris said with a grin.

Dan's smile widened. "I'm about to have video games." He said with a shrug. "It'll be enough."

"Come _ON_ slowpokes! You three are the slowest pokes I ever saw poke!" Pinkie called out from the car.

The trio of friends made their way to the car and a night full of burglary, food, and fun between good friends.

-ooooooo-

"What one man can do, another can do." –Bruce Lee

Devil's Dance floor written by Dave King, copyright SideOneDummy.

Don't Stop Me now written by Freddie Mercury, copyright EMI, Elektra


	34. Part 5 Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance Epilogue

-ooooo-

"FREAK TORNADO TEARING THROUGH L.A.!" Pinkie screamed, clad in her white shirt, black vest, cut off jean shorts, and rainbow leg warmers.

"_AHHHHHHHHHHHH_!" Dan responded from the bed, falling off of it.

'_THUMP'_

Dan groggily lifted his boxer clad body off the ground and rubbed his head. "Uhh…situation 'T'…'ornado'…" He muttered. "I'll get my keys." He yawned out

Pinkie leaned down close to Dan and continued to scream. "ALSO THE TORNADO HAS PICKED UP SHARKS FROM THE OCEAN AND IS NOW A LETHAL WHIRLWIND OF _CHOMPY_ DEATH SWEEPING UP AND BITING EVERYTHING IT COMES ACROSS!"

"_**GAH**_!" Dan rubbed his ear. "I'm _**right **_here…wait…Did you just reference a _Syfy_ original movie? How _DARE_ you bring that filth into this…"

"SHARKANDOS CAN STRIKE AT ANYTIME OR ANYPLACE, DAN!" Pinkie insisted, putting her hands around Dan's bare shoulders and shaking him. "Assuming such places have sharks within convent pickup distance of tornados." She added, raising an index finger informatively.

Dan sighed. "Can I at least put clothes on?"

"THERE'S _NO_ TIME! GRAB MR. MUMBLES AND YOUR KEYS! I'LL GRAB THE SPEAR-GUN!"

"STOP _**SHOUTING**_ AT ME! I'm going, I'm going…" Dan insisted.

"Merow?" Mr. Mumbles called out.

Dan bent down and held out his hand, cringing as the cat clawed her way up his bare arm, perching on his shoulder.

He trudged over to his dresser and grabbed his wallet and keys, as a pink blur zoomed past him and out the bedroom. Dan exited the room with cat, keys, and wallet in tow and continued his slow plodding towards the open apartment door.

"Get the car! _Get the car_! _GETTHECAR_! CAR, CAR, CAR, CARCARCAR_CARCARCARCAR_!" Pinkie commanded, energetically hopping up and down on the walkway holding a spear gun in one hand and a quiver of spears in the other.

"Alright! Alright! Hold your horses…or ponies…whatever…" Dan mumbled as he trudged outside, down the walkway, and down the stairs to the vehicle.

Dan got in the car, letting Mr. Mumbles jump into the backseat. He noted Pinkie had already neatly piled clothing for him next to his shoes. On top of the small clothing pile rested a clipboard, sheet of paper, and pen which Dan grabbed. He leaned over to roll down the passenger side window, buckled up, started the car and moved it into position.

No sooner than the car was under the walkway then Pinkie appeared feet first and landed in the car seat as if she was poured into the car from the walkway above, holding the spear gun and quiver in one of her arms.

Pinkie quickly buckled her seat belt. "How'd I do?! _How'd I do?!_ Huh? _Huh_?! Tell me! TELL ME! _**TELL ME**_!"

"Uhhh…" Dan looked down at his clipboard and jotted a few things down. "Awesome. A+" He answered simply.

"Yippy-_skippy_!" Pinkie exclaimed throwing her hands into the air, nearly clocking Dan in the process and hitting them against the car ceiling. "OW!" Pinkie said, shaking her hands slightly.

Dan wrinkled his brow at the energetic, giddy girl sitting across from him. "What's with you? You seem even more hyperactive than usual…Are you on drugs?" Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I dranky a coupley energy drinkies to improvey my speedy!" Pinkie said with, huge, wide eyes, and a giant grin. She leaned down and fetched a reusable, plastic, grocery bag from the car floor in front of her that was bulging with cylindrical shaped cans. "_Want one_?!"

Dan yawned again. "Sure, thanks". He said as Pinkie quickly buried her arm into the bag, and pulled out a bright, orange can, handing it to Dan. He opened the can and took a swing. "Where to?"

"Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Let's drive to San Diego and free all the animals from the animal prison!" Pinkie said excitedly.

Dan crinkled his brow at Pinkie. "You mean 'zoo'?"

Pinkie smiled and waved dismissively, "Whatever! I just want to keep humanity on its toesies!"

Dan thought about this for a second and took another swig of his drink. "Too eco-terrorist for the middle of the night." He said shaking his head.

"Okaaaaaaaay…" Pinkie cooed. "Let's steal honey from bees and keep _Mother Nature_ on _her_ toesies!" She paused and added. "I was kinda bummed that it was cloudy yesterday."

Dan paused and raised an eyebrow. "Did you bring the suits?"

Pinkie grinned wide. "They're in the trunk!"

Dan smiled, and put the car into drive, pulling out into the street. "Us two against the world, eh?"

Pinkie leaned over the transmission hump to wrap an arm around Dan's shoulders and give him a hug, resting her head on his shoulder. "I wouldn't have it any other way." She said with a content smile.

The red hatchback drove off into the night towards sticky mayhem.

End Part 5

Thanks for reading!


	35. Chapter 30

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Chapter 30 Pinkie Vs. Video Games

-ooooo-

"_That's a wrap!"_

"_GRRRAH_!" Dan sounded in frustration.

"Three in a roooow~!" Pinkie sang out, flicking her colorful, multi-bracelet clad wrist up and holding the controller upside down in her pink nail polished hand. The bracelets completed the ensemble of a short-sleeved red shirt with a floral pattern, and rolled-up jean shorts.

Dan turned to glare at his roomie on the opposite end of the couch. "It's just because you have some _bizarre_ affinity with Peacock!" Dan insisted.

Pinkie shrugged, smiled and extended an elbow out, placing finger tips upon her heart. "What can I say? Her cartoony, violent tendencies speak to me on a deep personal level." She said closing her eyes for dramatic effect.

"Grrr…Just…pick someone else and I'll clean your clock."

"Wait…" Pinkie paused and glanced to the ceiling, tapping on her cheek with her free hand. "Do I even own a clock?..And is it _dirty_?"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU IDIOT!" Dan bellowed.

Pinkie looked back at Dan with a pout.

Dan sighed and took a few calming breaths. "Look, can we randomly select our characters for a while?"

A smile slowly spread across Pinkie's face. "Random, huh? Dan, I'm not sure if we met." Pinkie extended a hand across the couch. "I'm Pinkie Pie and I'm the _Princess_ of Random."

Dan furrowed his brow at the hand for a second, but it gave way to a small, wicked grin as he reached out in shook it. "Well, _Princess, _I hope you like 'crow' because it's what you'll be eating for the next several rounds."

Pinkie paused again, retracting her hand. "I thought we were having chicken for dinner…" Pinkie said with a confused expression. "Do crows even have that much meat on them?"

Dan rolled his eyes. "Just select 'Random'."

"Oh…Okay!" Pinkie responded enthusiastically.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it's…Showtime"

Pinkie narrowed her eyes slightly and scrunched her lips to one side of her face.

_Cerebella, huh? Well at least Dan didn't get Painwh…_

In a flurry of button pushing and analog stick moving, the fight was over.

"_It's super effective!"_

Pinkie's eyes went wide as she stared at the screen.

Dan's small, wicked grin had grown up into a big, toothy, evil smile. "Sorry, Pinkie. Circus antics aren't going to cut it against a classy lady with an umbrella that fires napalm."

Pinkie turned back to the screen with determination. "Beginners luck. I won't go easy on you next time."

*But then…*

"_Alright, alright, show's over"_

Pinkie's eye twitched as a corner of her mouth raised in a small grimace.

*And then…*

"_Can I have a round of applause for our contestants?"_

"Grrrrr…"

*And still…*

"_And now, a word from our sponsors!"_

"_WHY?!"_

*And again…*

"_That's all, folks!"_

Pinkie's beet-red face contorted into rage as she gritted her teeth.

"Hey! You're getting better." Dan said. "Or at least…less terrible." He added with a smug smile.

With a frustrated growl, Pinkie sat up, and marched into the bedroom.

"Leaving so soon?" Dan sang out. "We can go best of 15." He suggested with the same smug smile plastered on his face. A smile that quickly departed as Pinkie marched back out of the bedroom with her pink crowbar resting on her shoulder, carried in both hands as if she was holding a baseball bat.

"Uh…may I enquire as to what you plan on doing with that?" Dan asked in a rather concerned tone of voice.

Pinkie marched up to the T.V. and eyed the video game console on the ground. "Rectifying a mistake." She answered as she held the crowbar above her head.

"WAIT!" Dan pleaded.

Pinkie turned her head and fixed Dan with narrow, blue eyes, leaving the crowbar held high in the air. "What?"

"Err…your _Nino no Kuni _saves are on there!"

Pinkie lowered the crowbar, and bowed her head. "You're right Dan. I don't know _WHAT_ I was thinking. I can't destroy those…"

Dan breathed a sigh of relief. "Good, now maybe we can find something less compete…"

Pinkie turned her head without shifting her body and stared at Dan with somewhat detached, vacant eyes. "But I can _destroy_ you." Pinkie said coldly. She moved her body to face Dan while fixing him with a stare, keeping her head in the same position. Her vacant eyes seemed to focus and Dan could see a glint of madness in them that sent shivers down his spine.

"What?! Pinkie, _**wait**_! WHOA!" Dan dove behind the couch as Pinkie brought down the crowbar on the cushion he was sitting on mere moments ago. The impact of Dan hitting the floor caused a wooden baseball bat that was leaned against the nearby wall to clatter to the ground and rolled towards him.

Dan reached for the baseball bat and quickly got back to his feet. "Uh…Pinkie? I'm usually all for violently delivered vengeance, but maybe we can…talk about this?" Dan offered, holding the baseball bat in front of him and raising his eyebrows a few times.

"Naw." Pinkie said simply. "I think I'll try it your way, for a change." A mad smile erupted across Pinkie's face. "En garde."

Pinkie closed the distance between her and Dan and took a horizontal swing at Dan's ribs.

Dan lowered his bat and attempted to block, but only succeed in deflecting the blow slightly. He felt a sharp pain in his side as cold steal collided with skin and bone.

He winced as Pinkie's mad smile grew, she pulled back for another swing, keeping a close eye on Dan's bat.

Rather than retreat, Dan stepped in even closer to Pinkie, and quickly raised the handle of the bat up.

Pinkie's eyes tracked the bat as the club drew away from her, missing that the knob at the end of the handle of the bat was rapidly approaching her face.

Before Pinkie had time to swing again, Dan clocked her chin with the knob of the bat.

Pinkie's head flew back and she stumbled backwards into the couch. One hand let go of the crowbar and reached out for the couch, steading Pinkie. Her mad smile sifted as she lowered her head back down to glower at Dan.

Dan's expression had shifted, too. He was now smiling madly with eyes to match. "You want to play rough, roomie? Then, _let's play rough_." He said with a hint of excitement.

"_GRRRAAH!" _Pinkie lunged at Dan with a frustrated growl, swinging her weapon.

Likewise, Dan matched the lunge and swing and the two combatants rapidly closed weapons on each other.

*Several minutes of close quarter bludgeoning followed by closer quarter hand-to-hand combat later…*

"Dan?" Pinkie asked from under her roommate's body, a hand raised up to his face. "How did we end up like this?"

"You attacked me with a crowbar because I kept beating you at _Skullgirls_." Dan reminded as he pinned one of Pinkie's arms down with his hand and held himself up off the ground with the other.

"Oh, _**right**_…_welllll_, the _knee_ in my sternum is telling me that I probably over reacted there…"

"_**PROBABLY**_?!" Dan roared.

"Yeah…I'm in the…_cough_…wrong here." Pinkie admitted. "I suck."

Dan shot her a glare with one eye, the other eye a tad preoccupied with the thumb that was being pushed into it.

"Truce?" Pinkie asked. "This _REALLY_ hurts." She choked out.

Dan took a calming breath and shifted his leg so he could push off the ground and lift himself up. He offered a hand to Pinkie, which she accepted as Dan helped her to her feat.

Dan rubbed his eye with a hand and continued staring a dagger at Pinkie with the other.

_Well, to her credit. She gave as good as she got._

_To her detriment, SHE ATTACKED ME WITH A FRICKIN' CROWBAR!_

Pinkie's lower lip quivered as she fully processed what had just transpired. "I'm _really_ sorry Dan." Tears began to form in Pinkie's eyes. "I don't know _what_ I was thinking…_sob_…I'M A MONSTER! _WUAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!_" Pinkie buried her face into her hands and sobbed into her palms.

Dan's expression softened. He put a hand on Pinkie's shoulder and led her over to the couch, sitting her down and sitting next to her. "There, there crybaby. We've _**all**_ assaulted our friends with a potentially lethal instrument at one time or another." Dan spread his arms out wide, keeping his injured eye shut. "Come on, stop blubbering. You're forgiven."

"_SNNNIFF…Reeeally_?" Pinkie asked, lowering her hands revealing a small smile, tears still in her eyes.

Dan smiled and extended his arms out a few times to emphasize his uncharacteristic desire for a hug.

Pinkie leaned in and embraced Dan as the two wrapped their arms around each other, cringed painfully, and quickly pulled away, rubbing bruises.

"Uhhh…let's save hugging for when we're not covered in bruises we inflicted on each other." Dan suggested.

"Yeah…" Pinkie said in agreement. "Next time I'm mad at you, I think I'll stick to tickle torture."

"Could you wait until the bruises on my ribs heal?"

"…No promises." Pinkie answered with a sheepish smile. "Ooo!" Pinkie looked at the eye Dan still held close due having her thumb shoved into it. "Eye patch!" Pinkie said simply, shoving a hand in between the couch cushions and retrieving a black eye patch.

"Thanks." Dan said as he took the eye patch and placed it around his head, covering the injured eye.

"I _told_ you it was worthwhile to stash eye patches around the apartment in case of eye patch emergency." Pinkie said with a smile.

"Yeah." Dan responded, "Though I'm guessing you weren't thinking I'd need one because you stuck a thumb in my eye." Dan grumbled irritably.

Pinkie's smile dropped. "Dan, I _**really**_ am sorry that I attacked you like that! You're like my _**bestest**_ friend in the whole wide world! I'd never want something bad to happen to you, let alone inflict it!" Pinkie explained.

Dan raised his free eyebrow at Pinkie. "Excluding times when I've pushed you into a desire to see me stabbed, I'm guessing."

Pinkie sighed and raised her feet and legs onto couch, wrapping her arms around her knees and placing her chin on them. "I'm not really proud of those times, either." Pinkie admitted. She thought for a moment. "I guess…I guess this place is starting to get to me a bit."

"Uh, the apartment? I mean…I guess it's pretty small for two people."

"No, no, no, no, no, no!" Pinkie insisted, placing her feet back on the ground and her hands about. "I really love our cozy apartment together." She said with a quick smile. "It's the _city _that's starting to get to me."

"Oh…well…it _is _a hotbed of morons and mouth-breathers." Dan responded.

"It's not _JUST _that…" Pinkie paused and glanced to the side as she rubbed her chin with her free hand. "Though, I must admit that it's seemingly mostly populated by a cast of incredibly dense, oblivious people…and stereotypes for some reason." Pinkie frowned. "Who often want my phone number." She added.

Pinkie looked back at Dan and continued. "But, I guess there's just parts of home that I'm really starting to miss."

"Maybe we can throw another cross-dimensional party?" Dan suggested.

Pinkie smiled. "Well, Rainbow Dash and Spike seemed to really like the Ramones, and Twilight obviously found them easy-peasy to dance to." Pinkie cocked her head slightly, "Though, I think Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy might need a break from punk."

"Poor Fluttershy spent most the party hiding under a chair…" Dan mused.

Pinkie creased her brow. "Yeah…she's more of a song-birdy and classical music type. Anyhow, I miss _being_ with them. But I can still see them and hangout with them when I want. What I'm _**really**_ missing is trees that have branches, and not falling asleep to the sound of sirens and gunfire, and rodents that aren't of unusual size that attack me when I come back with a bag full of groceries."

"To be fair, that last one is probably just localized to this apartment complex." Dan said, pointing an index finger at Pinkie. He narrowed his eye. "Wait. Are you suggesting we go _camping_?!"

Pinkie's face changed to a pout. "And what if I am?"

"Pinkie! Camping is where people get mauled by wild cats, or murdered by serial killers, or even attacked by bears after a bear pheromone mishap!"

Pinkie's eyes turned sad, and her lower lip began to quiver.

"NO! Not '_the face'_! Please…" Dan pleaded, his voice giving way to a sigh. "…fine." Dan said, hanging his head.

"Yay!" Pinkie said with a smile. "Ooo! Ooo! We should see if Chris and Elise want to come!"

Dan smiled. "Good thinking! They can distract the serial killer with their stabable bodies while we make our escape!"

"Right!" Pinkie responded with a smile. "Wait, what?" Pinkie asked crinkling her brow at Dan.

"Uh…I mean…The blood-thirsty killer will be too busy savagely murdering them to notice when we flee!"

"…Dan, you just rephrased the same thing you said earlier." Pinkie informed.

"Didn't I?" Dan said with a sly smile.

"Uhhh…" Pinkie smiled nervously. "I'm just going to go call Elise now…"


	36. Chapter 31

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Chapter 31 Dan Vs. Road trip

-ooooo-

"Ooooo!" Pinkie spoke excitedly into the phone as she paced around the apartment. "Sounds super-dee-duper fun, Elise! I can't wait! Bye-bye!" Pinkie pushed the screen on the phone terminating the call.

"So? Tents and sleeping bags? Just a thin layer of nylon between us and the wild animals who want to devour wrapped for convenience human burritos?" Dan enquired.

"Elise's parents bought a cabin in the Canadian woods!" Pinkie responded cheerfully. "Apparently everything is really cheap there since most of the country is still completely encased in a glacier!"

Dan chuckled. "Hehe…yeaaaaah…good times. Wait…Cabin in the woods…" Dan pondered this. "Well…we probably won't be killed by _animals_ but now we're about ten times more likely to be murdered by an insane serial killer or some malevolent spirit or _spirits_ who want us to join them **forever**!"

"Golly, forever is a really long time to have to hang out with evil dead people…"

"Speaking of which. You're not allowed to touch any books with faces on them." Dan directed. "Unless you WANT to be molested by your _precious_ nature."

"Err…" Pinkie creased her brow, closed her eyes, and smile nervously. "I'm pretty sure I'd prefer not to get _that _close to nature…but…Do you really think we'll be in danger?" She asked.

"I've seen _dozens_ if not _**hundreds **_of movies on this sort of thing! A group of people go out to a secluded cabin in the woods, no way to contact the outside world. And then a serial killer shows up, or was already _**there**_, or someone does something stupid like read an evil book, and a little Latin latter; _**BAM**_ we have to fight a zombie redneck torture family."

"Well…I like the _family _part of that…though not so much the zombie, torture, or redneck part…Hmmmmmmmm…" Pinkie pondered this for a second, then snapped her fingers. "I got it!" Pinkie pointed at Dan excitedly. "_You're_ a super smart guy!"

"The smartest." Dan said with smile, rubbing his fist slightly against his chest. "Ow! I forgot you _hit _me there…"

Pinkie gave Dan a small, pensive smile, "Er…sorry…but why don't you bring some thingies to fight evilee undeadee whatevees with?"

"Hmmm…" Dan stroked his chin and looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Salt, holy water, crucifixes…maybe some silver…" Dan said, putting up his fingers as he listed off items. "Yeah…I can be like…a handsomer, suaver, and more debonair_**er**_ Van Helsing!" Dan announced with a grin.

Pinkie gave Dan a warm smile. "I feel safer, already."

"Wait…what about serial killers?" Dan reminded.

"Ooo! What if we went out and got a bunch of serial killer stuff?! Like chainsaws, hockey masks, and machetes!? You know…fight fire with fire."

"I do like the sound of adding more fire to fire. But, serial killers are bloodthirsty maniacs." Dan explained. "Do you really think we can _out crazy_ them?" Dan said, his lip twitching slightly.

Dan and Pinkie immediately broke into fits of laughter.

"_HaHaHaHaHahehehe_…I can't believe you..._hehehe_…said that with a…_hahaha_…straight face!" Pinkie said as she laughed hysterically.

"_Hehehe_…I almost _didn't_!" Dan admitted.

"Alright! So we prepare for war against the forces of evil?" Pinkie asked with a smile.

"Baby, let's hit a sporting goods store! To the _**DAN-**_mobile!" Dan announced, thrusting an index finger into the air.

"_Ho_!" Pinkie shouted, throwing a fist into the air.

-ooooo-

"Talk to me." Elise said at the TV with a frown.

_And I just got my parents to green light using the cabin for a week. Ulg. I'd hate to disappoint Pinkie, but duty calls._

"Dancing Shadow, we have a target for you." A masculine voice called out from the TV as a blue line fluctuated with each syllable.

"_SNORE!"_

"What was that?" The voice asked.

"Uhh…nothing…_swamp gas_…" Elise offered.

"Are you sure this line is secure?"

"Totally." Elise answered.

"...Alright, Dancing Shadow, your target is this man." An image of a long, brown haired man with a full beard displayed on the screen.

"Hiram…" Elise mumbled.

"Correct." The voice responded. "We thought you'd want some payback after your failed mission at Omicron headquarters."

"Failed…right." Elise responded with a small grin. "Last known location?"

"Havre, Montana. He was spotted there several days after a kerfuffle at the formally named College of Technology in Billings."

"And by 'kerfuffle', you mean…"

There was a pause. "…He _ate_ some of the students and faculty."

Elise sighed. "Of course. So he's heading north." Elise smiled. "Into Saskatchewan, Canada?"

"That seems likely. We can prepare supplies and lodging…"

"That won't be necessary." Elise interrupted. "I can make my own arrangements."

"Very well. Your mission is to capture him alive, if possible. We believe Hiram may still hold some important technological information. If this proves impossible, at least retrieve his memories."

Elise snickered. "You mean I'll need to remove his head and bring it back?"

There was a sigh on the other line. "Must you be so graphic?"

"Just calling a decapitation a decapitation." Elise said with a morbid grin.

"You have your orders, Dancing Shadow."

"Dancing shadow out."

"_SNORE!"_

Elise lightly shook her sleeping husband next to her on the couch.

"Wha…what happened?" Chris asked groggily.

"You fell asleep while we were watching TV." Elise answered with a smile.

"…You chloroformed me again because work called, didn't you?" Chris asked flatly, narrowing his eyes at his wife.

Elise's smile turned nervous. "Er…yeah…"

"You know, you can just ask me to leave the room." Chris stated.

"Sorry, old habit…"

Chris sighed. "So, I guess camping is on hold?"

"Actually, turns out there's not a conflict." Elise informed, her smile returning to normal.

"…Why does that sound ominous?"

"Oh, don't worry about it." Elise said with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"Elise, when you told me about your job…" Chris began.

"I didn't _mean _to…" Elise mumbled.

"_Be that as it may,_ you said you'd stop keeping secrets from me." Chris reminded.

Elise sighed. "You're right Chris. Just let me just go to the shed and get my head preserver and I'll tell you all about my latest mission." Elise said, standing up.

"…_On second thought_, maybe I'll let you keep this one to yourself." Chris said, his cadence turning anxious.

Elise turned to her husband with a giant grin and sat on his lap, rapping her arms around him and giving him a big kiss on the cheek. "Oh Chris, you're the best husband a shadowy, quasi government agent could ever ask for."

Chris chuckled nervously. "Yeah, I know."

-ooooo-

"You think we over did it?" Pinkie asked as she and Dan looked into a wooden chest. It filled to the brim with masks, knives, crucifixes, crosses, bottled water labeled with a large cross on it, a machete, a cricket bat, and a random assortment of sports rackets.

"The contents of the chest, or the chest itself?" Dan asked. Motioning to the wooden, foot and a half tall, three feet long, rounded top wooden chest complete with brass handles on the side and four leather bands going across its length.

Pinkie giggled. "I thought you could accessorize."

Dan glared at her with his one eye. The other still under a black eye patch. "Remind me to poison your food."

"You didn't complain when I got you the cutlass." Pinkie reminded with a smile.

"I…Okay, I'll give you that one…"

"Hehe, guess looking like a pirate is really a double edged swOWIE!" Pinkie exclaimed as Dan punched her arm. Pinkie frowned. "Was it because of the pun?"

"Only in that cutlasses have _one_ edge." Dan pointed out.

"Fair enough, but did you _have_ to hit me where I was already bruised?"

"You're _covered _in bruise. I can't help that you suck at blocking."

Wordlessly Pinkie reached over and poked Dan in the ribs.

"Ow!" Dan responded.

Pinkie smiled slightly and giggled.

Dan narrowed his eyes and jabbed her in the arm.

"Owie!" Pinkie responded. She quickly poked Dan back.

"OW! Why you little…"

Soon the two were engaged in a vicious poking war.

"OWIE! Hehehehe…" Pinkie giggled, assaulting Dan with a flurry of pokes.

"OUCH!" Dan counter attacked. "Stop enjoying this! I'm inflicting _pain_ on you!"

*The next day*

"Alright. So no matter what Dan and Pinkie look like. No questions. We _don't_ want to know." Chris insisted.

Elise nodded. "Right!"

Elise knocked on the door, it quickly opened to reveal Dan clad in his usual getup plus an eye patch, and Mr. Mumbles perched on his shoulder; Pinkie wearing a pink dress that had been decorated with alternating blue and yellow balloons; a short, blue jacket; a random assortment of colorful bracelets; and her pink back slung over her shoulder. Next to Pinkie sat a pink luggage case with a brown box resting on top of it. Next to Dan sat a worn looking, brown suitcase.

Unsurprisingly to Elise and Chris at this point, the roommates were covered in bruises.

"You got an eye patch?!" Chris exclaimed excitedly. "Is this a pirate themed road trip?!"

"Chris, _no_!" Elise exclaimed, but it was too late.

"Pinkie stuck her thumb in my eye because I had my knee pressed against her solar plexus." Dan explained.

Elise sighed.

_Palm, meet face. Face, palm._

"Uhhh…" Chris merely trailed off.

"He had a good reason for it though!" Pinkie insisted, quickly coming to her roomies defense. "I attacked him with a crowbar!"

Elise removed the hand from her face. "DAN! What did you do to Pinkie to make her attack you?!" She demanded.

"_ME_?!" Dan exclaimed angrily, gesturing to himself. "Wait! She attacks _me_ and suddenly it's my fault?"

"Just playing the odds." Elise stated, narrowing her eyes at Dan.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Pinkie insisted. "Dan just beat me at a video games several times in a row!" Pinkie explained. "I…_er_…overacted…"

"Oh, okay." Elise said simply.

"WHAT?!" Dan exploded in an angry tone. "She attempts to bash my head in with a crowbar, and she just gets an 'oh, okay'?!"

"First of all." Elise began. "By the looks of Pinkie, I'm guessing you fought back."

"Hehe…yeah…" Dan admitted with a small smile.

"Second of all , show of hands; who here hasthought of inflicting physical violence on a friend or loved one because they kept on beating them at a video game?" Elise said raising a hand.

Pinkie enthusiastically raised a hand.

Dan slowly raised his. "I probably would have attempted strangling Pinkie with a controller just a bit prior if they weren't wireless." Dan said shrugging.

Mr. Mumbles meowed a response.

Dan lifted a hand and scratched under his chin. "That's right, Mr. Mumbles. You _did_ attack me when I kept on beating Ms. Fortune."

"Wait," Chris began, "how does Mr. Mumbles play video games?"

"Very adorably." Pinkie answered with a smile.

Elise gave Chris a look.

Chris sighed and raised his hand. "She just _beats_ me all the time!" he whined.

Pinkie looked around at the show of hands and smiled. "Nice to see I have so many positive influences in my life." She joked, lowering her hand.

Elise chuckled. "Ready to go?" She asked.

Pinkie nodded vigorously. "Yeah, but can we get some help with our stuff? It's kinda a lot…"

"Sure, Pinkie!" Chris said with a happy smile.

Dan also smiled, though his was a bit wicked. He dragged out a large, wooden chest.

To Dan's surprise, Chris's smile widened. "So, it _is_ a pirate themed road trip!"

"Uhhh…SURE, buddy! Be a good scallywag and take this to the car, would ya?" Dan answered.

"Arrr, matey!" Chris responded. "Oh! Can I get an eye patch, too?"

Pinkie smiled and leaned over slightly to open the fridge, fishing out a black eye patch. "Here, Chris. Sorry it's a bit cold."

Chris happily took the eye patch and placed it on his eye, taking a big sniff. "Mmmm! Smells like cupcakes." He said, his eyes going distant.

"Just don't _eat_ it." Dan commanded.

"No promises." Chris responded

"Oh!" Pinkie began. "Well if it's a cupcake you want…"

Chris's face lit up.

"Uh uh uh." Dan said waving a finger. "Take our booty to the car first, _then_ you can have a cupcake."

"Aye aye!" Chris responded, lifting the chest with a grunt and trudging towards the stairs.

Elise eyed the chest wearily and shook her head. "I'm not even going to ask."

Pinkie smiled. "That's probably for the best." Pinkie responded. Her eye's widened slightly. "Oh! I almost forgot! Elise, can you grab that box? It's got some of Mr. Mumbles stuff and I baked us some goodies for the trip!"

Elise smiled. "That was very thoughtful." She grabbed the box. "Thanks Pinkie."

"You're welcome!" Pinkie said with a huge smile as she walked back into the apartment, and reappeared with a large, red, scabbarded chainsaw held in the other, resting on her right shoulder. She grabbed her luggage case with her free hand.

Elise gave the chainsaw a concerned look as Pinkie gleefully made her way to the car.

"What?" Dan said, catching Elise's expression. "Survival gear."

Elise turned to Dan, raising an eyebrow "Survival gear? Against what?!"

"Blood thirsty killers, of course. There the leading cause of unexpected, secluded cabin occupant death, quickly followed by vengeful spirits…or so I'd imagine." Dan explained.

Elise put on a surprised look. "Uh…"

_Just roll with it. Better that these two are armed if things get ugly._

To Dan's surprise, Elise smiled. "Sounds good to me. Oh, Dan. If you two _do _run across any blood thirsty killers, could you maybe avoid their head when you savagely counter attack?"

Dan crinkled his brow. "Uh…sure thing Elise. Oh! I almost forgot!" Dan walked back into the apartment, and reappeared with a rag and a green bottle of chloroform as he grabbed his suitcase.

Elise furrowed her brow at the bottle of chloroform. "Okay, I _am_ going to ask about that!" Elise said pointing at the bottle.

Dan smiled wickedly and called out to Pinkie. "**Pinkie! How many songs do you know**?"

"**Uhhhh…**" Pinkie called back from the car as she finished loading her chainsaw into the trunk. "**I lost count when I started memorizing a bunch of songs from here. **_**Why?**__"_

"**Just give it a rough estimate.**"

Pinkie looked towards the sky, placing an index finger on her chin. "**Probably about 600.**" She smiled at Dan. "**Plenty **t**o keep us in high spirits all the way the way to Canada!**" She announced.

Elise's concerned expression gave way to shock and apprehension.

Dan's smile grew. "Ask me again at around hour four." Dan began walking toward the stairs.

"Merow." Mr. Mumbles said simply from her perch on Dan's shoulders.

Elise followed wordlessly, box of goodies in hand.

The two made their way to the car. Dan barely finding room for his suitcase and closing the trunk.

Dan climbed into the backseat of the car. Elise into the passenger side, passing the box back to Pinkie.

Pinkie opened the box and took out a cupcake, passing it to Chris who delightedly devoured it.

"Ahoy, mateys! Shall we be casting offa the shore now?" Chris said in his best pirate voice as he sat behind the steering wheel.

"Aye, aye, captin'!" Pinkie replied, cheerful as ever.

Chris started the car and pulled out into the street. "Yar! Any of you land lubbers know any good sea shanties.

"_OOOOO_!" Pinkie exclaimed excitedly. "I do!"

"And so it begins." Dan sighed out.

"Then let's hear it, lass!" Chris commanded.

Without need of further provocation, Pinkie broke into song, swinging an arm from side to side.

"_Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me."  
"We pillage plunder, we rifle and loot."_

Chris smiled and joined in.

"_Drink up me 'earties, yo ho."  
"We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot."  
"Drink up me 'earties, yo ho."_

"_Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me."  
"We extort and pilfer, we filch…"_

"CHRIS! CYCLIST!" Elise called out.

"AHH!" Chris pulled the car to the right, narrowly avoiding the bicycle rider to his left.

"GAHK!" Dan found himself pressed against the window as the car lurched.

Pinkie simply leaned with the vehicle, and continued singing and swinging an arm in rhythm with the music.

"…_and sack."  
"Drink up me 'earties, yo ho." _

"Chris, maybe you shouldn't drive with an eye patch on." Elise said.

"_Maraud and embezzle and even highjack."_

"But…_PIRATES_!" Chris protested.

"_Drink up me 'earties, yo ho." _

"Tell you what, you drive, I'll where the eye patch."

"_Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me."_

Chris smiled satisfactorily and took off the eye patch, handing it to Elise who placed it over an eye.

"_We kindle and char and in flame and ignite." _

Chris, once again, joined Pinkie in singing.

_"Drink up me 'earties, yo ho."  
"We burn up the city, we're really a fright."  
"Drink up me 'earties, yo ho." _

*An hour later*

"_She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she coooooomes." _Pinkie sang out.

"_When she comes." _Chris added.

_"She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she cooooomes."_

"_When she comes."_

Dan an Elise merely pretended the cars and trees outside where interesting as Dan stroked Mr. Mumbles who had curled up in his lap.

*Another hour later*

"_Row, Row, Row, your boat…"_ Pinkie sang as desert passed through the windows.

"_Row, Row, Row, your boat…"_ Chris sang.

"Meow, meow, meow, meow meow…." Mr. Mumbles howled.

Dan angrily texted into his phone. 'WHY WERE YOU HELPING THEM?!'

"_Gently down the stream."_ Pinkie sang.

"_Gently down the stream." _Chris sang.

"_Meow mew meow mew meow!"_ Mr. Mumbles howled.

Elise picked up her phone and texted back. 'I didn't know they'd keep going for over a half an hour!'

"_Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily" _Pinkie sang.

"_Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily" _Chris sang.

"_Merowerow, Merowerow, Merowerow, Merowerow" _Mr. Mumbles howled.

Dan and Elise sighed.

"_Life is but a dream."_ Pinkie sang.

"_Life is but a dream."_ Chris sang.

"_Meow mew mew mew meow."_ Mr. Mumbles howled.

"_Row, Row, Row, your boat…"_ Pinkie Sang.

*Another hour still*

"_Gently down the stream."_ Pinkie sang as more desert passed.

"_Gently down the stream." _Chris sang.

"_Meow mew meow mew meow!"_ Mr. Mumbles howled.

Dan helped tap out a beat as he smashed his head against the window over and over again.

"_Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily" _Pinkie sang.

"_Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily" _Chris sang.

"_Merowerow, Merowerow, Merowerow, Merowerow" _Mr. Mumbles howled.

Elise texted out. 'I think I'll make Chris stop for lunch soon…"

'HOW SOON?!' Was Dan's reply.

"_Life is but a dream."_ Pinkie sang.

"_Life is but a dream."_ Chris sang.

"_Meow mew mew mew meow."_ Mr. Mumbles howled.

'Vegas is about 75 miles away.' Elise replied

"_Row, Row, Row, your boat…"_ Pinkie sang as desert passed through the windows.

"_Row, Row, Row, your boat…"_ Chris sang.

"Meow, meow, meow, meow meow…." Mr. Mumbles howled.

Dan continued to add percussion to the song via his head against reinforced, Plexiglas windows.


	37. Chapter 32

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Chapter 32 Pinkie Vs. The Bellagio

-ooooo-

"Ooooh….aaaaaah…" Pinkie called out from her seat as she admired the giant streams of water that shot up into the sky.

This was quickly followed by the _'click'_ of her camera.

Dan rubbed his self-inflicted bruised head.

_Well, at least the singing stopped once we got into Vegas….but does she have to do that at EVERY FRICKIN' THING she sees?!_

"Pinkie." Dan called out. "Mustache Mr. Mumbles."

"Uh-huh!" Pinkie said affirmatively, reaching into the brown box and pull out a small, fake mustache.

Dan picked the cat up from the middle seat and held her up towards Pinkie.

"_Merrrow_!" Mr. Mumbles protested.

"I know it itches, Mr. Mumbles." Dan replied, his voice a bit gentler than his normal tone. "But it's the only way we can get you in."

Mr. Mumbles reluctantly allowed Pinkie to apply the small mustache below her nose.

Elise turned and looked at the trio in the back seat skeptically. "A fake mustache? That's enough?" She asked.

Dan shrugged. "Don't ask me why it works."

Mustache applied, Mr. Mumbles crawled up Dan's arm and onto his shoulder.

"Ooooh….aaaaaah…" Pinkie said as she looked up at the large, somewhat rectangular hotel that shot up over a dozen stories into the sky. A large, pillar like structure sat in the middle with a dome that resembles a crown that read 'Bellagio'. To the left and right of the pillar, dozens of hotel rooms shot off in a very slightly curved line, giving the entire building a gentle, rounded look.

'_Click'_

Chris pulled the car up to the front and a valet in a red shirt and black pants approached to take his keys. Chris handed him the keys and walked towards the entrance of the hotel with Elise. The man held out a hand, palm up, to Dan as Dan walked by. Dan slapped it with a "_'Sup_?" and small smile.

_What is it with these guys and low fives? _

The man frowned, and raised his hand up towards Mr. Mumbles who meowed and gave it a swat with his paw.

Dan continued after Elise and Chris.

Pinkie approached the man, her hand already held up in the air at face level. "High five!" She said enthusiastically.

With some degree of confusion, the man slapped her hand.

Pinkie giggled and bounded after Dan as the four people and one cat (or five people as near as anyone could tell) entered the hotel.

"Ooooh….aaaaaah…" Pinkie said as she looked up at an explosion of rainbow colored art above her. Bright, colorful glass in somewhat spherical shapes jutted towards the ground off stems as if a meadow of glass flowers was growing on the ceiling.

'_Click'_

The group continued through the beige and red lobby and into a large hall of an assortment of gambling tables, games, and slot machines, as noises poured in from all direction and people walked about from game to game, or sat fixed in front of a machine. Waitresses walked about with an assortment of beverages held high on trays.

"Ooooh….aaaaaah…"

'_Click'_

Dan scoffed at his surroundings. "This place is too pretentions."

"Dan. It's the _Bellagio_." Chris said in a slightly vexed tone of voice.

"I don't care if they gave it a fancy name! It's going on the list!" Dan declared, pulling out a notepad, flipping towards the end, and writing 'The Bellagio' down with a pencil.

Pinkie frowned. "I think it's pretty, and _kinda_ neat! If I weren't trying to get away from crowds and noise and stuff, I'd probably like to see more of it!"

"You'll get to see more of it when we come back to burn it down." Dan countered.

Pinkie's frown widened, her lower lip puffing out a bit. "But I don't _want_ to burn it down…and isn't that a little extreme?" She asked.

Elise leaned over to Dan and softly reminded, "We're taking_ Chris_ and _Pinkie_ to an all you can eat buffet here."

Dan paused. "You know what, Pinkie? You're right." Dan said with an evil smile. "I'm sure we can figure out a more appropriate punishment later."

"Hurray!" Pinkie said happily, wrapping her arms around one of Dan's and planting a quick peck on his cheek. "You're the bestest, Dan!"

"Yeah, I know." Dan replied with a smile.

Elise rolled her eyes with a smile.

_I see being the 'bestest' only requires not burning down entire structures. _

Soon, the group arrived in front of a large door with the word 'BUFFET' printed above it in large, blue letters in front of brick like, golden and dark brown, lit panels.

"Five?" A young woman in a white, button up shirt asked from behind a podium.

"Meow." Mr. Mumbles responded.

The woman smiled. "Right this way, please." She led the five past a long line of people leading down the hall.

"Did Mr. Mumbles just get us past the line?!" Chris asked surprised.

Dan shot Elise a smug look. "And you weren't sure about bringing her on the trip."

The young woman led them into a spacious dining room of beige tiled floors and wooden tables with padded wooden chairs sitting under them. Tall, old fashioned street lamps extended from the floor on poles providing light along with smaller lights embedded in the brown, red, and blue tiled ceiling.

Pinkie gasped and Chris made an excited, hungry sound as the two looked over marble and glass counters upon counters filled with seafood, meats, sushi, fruits, veggies, and pastries.

Pinkie turned to Dan, his arm still firmly held in hers. "…And I can eat as much of this as I want!?" She said in disbelief.

Dan's evil grew like a bent and twisted tree shooing gnarled branches off in all directions. "Yep. Have as much as you want."

Pinkie's eyes went wide and her smile spread across her face like water slowly poured onto a sheet of glass.

*soon*

A young, clean shaven man in a white a chef's coat, white pants, and a chef apron huddled behind the dessert counter. "I'm not sure how much more I can take!" He announced as his body shook.

"Hang in their Freddie." An older man with shoulder length, white hair and a close cropped beard, also in a chef's uniform responded, sitting next to the young man on the ground. "We trained for this."

"But we only ever prepared for _one _'S level' eater! Not two…" Freddie protested in a panicked tone.

"He's right, Hubert." A young, brown haired, woman responded, her hair tied into a tight bun against the back of her head, also huddled on the ground. "The kitchen staff has buckled under the pressure." She gulped. "They've gone feral. Last I saw, they had erected a pig's head on a poll and were dancing around it and chanting!"

"They'll finish eating soon, Mary, don't worry…" Hubert said. Assuring himself as much as anyone.

"_BUT THEY'VE ONLY BEEN HERE 2O MINUTES_!" Freddy reminded.

"Ooo! One last piece of carrot cake!" Pinkie exclaimed walking up to the counter. She added it to a plate filled with baked goods and continued back to her table.

Freddie gasped. "The last piece of carrot cake! How _dare_ she take the cake?!"

Hubert's expression went grim. "I'm sorry, Freddie. You'll have to alert the kitchen staff."

The color drained from Freddie's face. "But…"

Hubert pulled out a large, wooden spoon from his coat and handed it to him. "Here! Use this to protect yourself."

"Is it…a _magic _spoon?" Freddie asked hopefully.

Hubert shrugged. "Yeah, sure…may you go with the protection of the mighty spoon." He answered, handing the spoon to Freddie.

Freddie took it and rose to his feet resolutely. "I shall not _fail_ you! SPOOOOOOON!" He shouted as he ran towards the kitchen.

"Pray for him, Mary." Hubert said quietly.

Soon, the sounds of Freddie talking to the kitchen staff could be heard. "Hey guys, we're out of carrot cake and…"

He was cut off as the sound of wild growling and tearing of clothing was heard.

"AHHHH! Why, _**spoon**_?! _**WHYYYYY**_?!" Freddie called as the noises intensified into a crescendo of savage violence.

Mary closed her eyes and murmured something to herself, making the sign of the cross across her chest with her right hand.

"Hey guys."

Mary and Hubert flinched looking up to see a smiling face of a tall man, with short brown hair.

"Yes, sir?" Hubert asked.

"You're out of ice cream," Chris began, "Could you…"

"Right away, sir." Hubert turned to the woman sitting next to him and put his hands on her shoulders. "Go into the kitchen, Mary, and sneak towards the freezer. Retrieve the ice cream mix and bring it back. Stay in the shadows." Hubert's voice dropped to a whisper. "Stay safe."

Mary put a hand on one of Hubert's, "I won't fail you." Mary slinked off towards the kitchen.

Hubert stood up to look at Chris. "One of my best." He said motioning to Mary with a nod of his head.

Chris smiled as he filled his plate with confectionaries. "Great service, here by the way."

Hubert smiled weakly. "Thank you, sir."

Elise regarded the huge stacks of plates sitting next to Chris and Pinkie and leaned over to Dan. "Satisfied? These two got the staff here to go all _Lord of the Flies _in roughly 15 minutes." She mentioned over a plate of crab legs.

Dan sat in front of a plate loaded high with meat and a small portion of steamed veggies to the side. Dan rubbed his chin, considering this. "Well…that's _pretty _good…though I kinda would like to hurt the casino directly…" He grinned. "Maybe we should give Pinkie a few energy drinks." He suggested.

Elise raised an eyebrow at him. "Do you _want _to spend several hours trapped in a car with a hyperactive, caffeinated Pinkie Pie?"

Dan frowned. "Touché."

"Ooo!" Pinkie said, squirming in her chair slightly as she wiped cake frosting off her lips with a napkin. "My back is itchy."

"So?" Dan asked.

Pinkie smiled. "That means it's my lucky day."

"Is this a 'Pinkie sense', thing?" Dan asked with a creased brow.

"Uh-huh!" Pinkie responded, enthusiastically bobbing her head up and down.

"Pwinkie swense?" Chris asked through a mouthful of cake.

"Ooo! My body gives me these little, niggling feelings with something is going to happen!" Pinkie explained.

"Pinkie has pulled me out of the way of about a dozen flower pots that mysteriously fell from the sky at some time or another." Dan added, motioning to Pinkie with a hand.

"Really?" Elise asked skeptically. "How does it work?"

Pinkie raised her hands into a shrug, smile still on her face as she shook her head slightly. "I have no idea."

"All I know is that it _does_, and that's good enough for me." Dan said.

"Well, I'd like to study it sometime." Elise offered.

Pinkie smile turned pensive. "That's… _probably_ not as fun sounding as you'd think it would be." She answered.

"Hey." Dan interjected. "Maybe when you two are done eating you can try a few games at the casino." Dan said to Pinkie, as a mischievous grin entered his features.

Pinkie considered this, resting her cheek against her hand and a forefinger. "Well…we really should be on our way soon…"

"Come on!" Dan insisted. "Just a few games. It'll be fun!"

Pinkie smiled back at him. "I do like things that are fun!"

Pinkie turned to Chris. "Want to go for one more helping?"

Chris smiled. "DO I!?"

Hubert and a bruised and scratched Mary groaned and ducked behind the dessert counter once more as the two approached.

-ooooo-

A sharply dressed woman waved to the group as the blue sedan was pulled up. "Come back soon! You're always welcome at the Bellagio."

Pinkie smiled and waved back with her free hand, a heavy duty, silver case in her other. "Thank you! I had a **great** time! Bye-bye!"

"I can't believe they wanted to give us the suite." Chris said with a big smile.

"Of course." Dan commented, happily crossing 'The Bellagio' off his list. "They probably hoped they could get their money back."

Elise was too busy laughing hysterically to respond.

"How much do you think she won?" Chris asked.

"I lost count after the first, $100,000" Dan answered with an evil grin.

The same redshirted valet from before exited the car and handed the keys to Chris.

Before Chris could grab them, Elise quickly snatched them and announced. "_Heheheh_, I'll…_pfft_…drive."

Chris smiled and walked over to the passenger seat.

Elise giggly entered the driver's side.

The valet sighed and held out a palm to Dan, who gave it a slap and the valet a smile. The valet raised his hands to Mr. Mumbles who swatted at it again. He held up his hand for Pinkie who shoved a bundle of money in it.

"Buy yourself something _extra_ nice." Pinkie said with a smile as she walked over to the car.

The valet's jaw dropped as he examined the large sum of money he was just handed.

Chris looked through the rearview mirror as the valet began giddily dancing about. "How much did you just give him?" Chris asked looking back towards Pinkie.

Pinkie shrugged cheerfully. "Oh I don't know…whatever is in one of those stacks they filled the case with."

Chris just smiled as Elise broke into another fit of laughter.

Dan simply chuckled slightly as he removed the mustache from Mr. Mumbles and began stroking her.

"So, Pinkie." Chris began, leaning back to look into the backseat with a smile. "What should we sing next?"

The levity from Dan and Elise's face fell to the earth and burned up on reentry.

"Oh! I know!" Pinkie immediately broke into song. _"This is the song that never ends..."_

Chris smiled and joined in. _"Yes, it goes on and on my friends_."

Elise looked back at Dan who held up his green bottle of chloroform.

Elise nodded.

"_Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because…"_

*Five minutes outside Las Vegas.*

"This is the..._snore_…song that never ends…"Chris said, deep in sleep.

Dan grunted as he held up Chris's legs under the knees. "I think he ate his own weight in prime ribs."

Elise, likewise, struggled as she held Chris up with her hands placed under his arms. "I just wish they'd stop singing!"

"Yes it…_snooze_…goes on and on…_snore_…my friend…" Pinkie replied from the backseat, Mr. Mumbles sleeping on her lap in a fuzzy, grey ball.

With no small amount of effort, Dan and Elise loaded the unconscious Chris into the back seat. Elise leaned over to fasten his seatbelt.

"Some people…_zzz_…started singing it not…_snore_…knowing what it was…"

Elise returned to the driver's seat as Dan sat down in the passenger seat.

"At least they're quieter now…" Dan said irritably.

The two continued their infinite duet complete with synchronized snores from the back.

"I can't believe they're keeping _in time_ with each other, though! They both must be on the same doofus wavelength." Dan commented, irritation still present in his voice. With a sigh, he turned to Elise. "So, how long do you think Chris will be out?" Dan asked.

Elise sighed started the car and started to pull back onto the Freeway. "Maybe we can get to Salt Lake before he's up. I think he's starting to build a resistance to chloroform." Elise glanced over at Dan. "What about Pinkie."

"We'll be _very_ lucky if we get that far. Pinkie has some sort of crazy fast metabolism." Dan answered. "I think it's because she never stops moving, _ever_."

Elise scrunched her mouth to a side of her face. "I'll drive fast."

After a bit of relative silence (the singing and gentle snoring becoming little more than quiet background noise), Elise spoke up. "So…how are things with you and Pinkie?"

Dan took a break from staring out at the expansive desert to look back at Elise. "You mean, _besides_ her recent attempt to club me to death?"

"Er…" Elise smiled nervously. "Yes, aside from that that."

Dan shrugged. "I guess she's been less hopeless now that she isn't tripping over stuff every five minutes."

"…That's it?" Elise asked, a small amount of disappointment entering her voice.

Dan eyed Elise wearily. "What the heck am I supposed to say?" He faced forward and motioned with his hands out at the road in front of the car. "We have fun together at the apartment and we go out for food or vengeance purposes and sometimes people get hurt and something gets burned down and we have fun then, too."

"Come on!" Elise said with a smile. "You spend almost every waking second with the girl and probably every sleeping second with her and you really don't see her as more than your roommate?"

"Well…" Dan trailed off, staring off into the road as white stripes and white poles adorned with orange reflectors on the top zoomed towards and past the car. "I guess she's a _bit_ more than that…" He admitted.

Elise smiled to herself as she slowly broke down Dan's defenses. "Just take a look back there at that cute, sleeping girl in the backseat and tell me how you feel."

Dan narrowed eyes laced with suspicion at Elise, but complied nonetheless. He twisted in his chair and looked behind him.

Pinkie looked uncharacteristically peaceful in her pink dress as her head rested against her blue jacket clad shoulder. Light poured into the back of the car and her bright, curly, pink hair shimmered in the rays. Her light skin was turned golden as the Nevada sun washed over her sleeping face and down her décolletage to the neckline of her dress.

Dan's eyes widened and his pupils dilated as he sat transfixed by the sleeping beauty in front of him. "I feel…" He began to answer.

"_Yeees_?"Elise cooed.

"_SNORE_…yes it goes on and on my friend…" Pinkie murmured.

"I feel a strong and sudden urge to crawl back there and stick a rag in her mouth." Dan said, his eyes narrowing into slits. He reached for his seatbelt buckle.

Elise quickly reached over and put a hand on Dan's arm.

"_Unhand_ me strumpet!" Dan protested turning his head to leverage an angry glare at Elise.

"Do you _want_ her to wake up?" Elise asked, lowering her chin and staring at Dan with large, inquisitive eyes.

Dan sighed and settled back into his seat.

After another pause Dan spoke up. "Favorite horror movie?"

"Hmmmm?" Elise asked.

Dan raised an eyebrow. "Did I _stutter_? _Favorite horror movie_?!" He stressed.

Elise paused and answered, "_The Campground Chainsaw Unpleasantness_." Her mouth pulled up into a smile.

"Yeah, I hear _that_." Dan said, smiling back and holding up a fist.

Elise gave him a friendly fist bump. Elise turned back to the road. "Okay, my turn…hmmm….Favorite zombie movie?"

Dan smiled. "_Night of the Living Dead_." He paused and added. "1968"

"Ooo, old school, 'eh?"

Dan shrugged. "Gotta love the classics. Yours?"

"_World War Z_."

"_HA!_" Dan erupted snidely._ "_Don't tell me it's just because of Brad Pitt!"

"Well, he _is _handsome…" Elise said, trailing off slightly.

"Yeah, he sure is…" Dan said wistfully, he shook his head to clear it. "...I mean, you have to have a _better_ reason than that!"

Elise shrugged and blushed slightly, "I kinda like the agent running around the world fighting zombies aspect…" She admitted.

"Ahhh, so it's a _spy_ thing."

"Hey! You gotta admit the whole attack on Israel was pretty cool."

Dan chuckled, "Alright, I'll give you that…Vampire movie? Wait…let me guess. _Interview with the Vampire_." Dan said with a smug smile.

"Heh. Don't think you can get me on the Pitt angle." Elise responded, mirroring Dan's smile. "_Let the Right One In_."

Dan frowned slightly. "The Swedish one? I only saw the American…"He admitted.

Elise smiled. "I'll have to let you borrow it. It's great! Your turn."

"_From Dusk Till Dawn_." Dan replied.

Elise scoffed slightly. "Still worshiping at Tarantino's altar, I see. I was _sure_ you'd say '_Nosferatu'_."

"Hey! Tarantino is _awesome_!" Dan protested. "And _Nosferatu _is just for people who are desperate to show they're cultured!"

Elise giggled, "Tell me what you _really_ think, Dan. Let's see…Werewolf?"

The blue sedan cruised over the highway occupied by the sounds of a two sleeping occupants engaged in an endless long punctuated by snores and another two happily comparing movie tastes.


	38. Chapter 33

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Chapter 33 Pinkie Vs. Road Trip

-ooooo-

"Do you think we drove into an alternate dimension while we were asleep?" Pinkie whispered to Chris, leaning over.

Chris pondered this. "It would explain a lot." He whispered motioning to the two sitting in the front of the car.

"_Yeah_…I mean…they seem to be getting along…" Pinkie mused. "…Without injuring anyone." She added.

Chris shrugged. "It's happened on occasion…"

"Still…can we take that risk that Dan and Elise just _decided_ to have a friendly conversation about their favorite movies?"

"Yeah…I see what you mean..." Chris said, carefully eyeing the two up front. "Maybe we can test them?"

Pinkie pondered this as a smile slowly creped across her face like a spider across a floor. "Follow my lead."

Quietly, Pinkie began to sing. _"One million buckets of oats on the wall, one __**million**__ buckets of __**oats**__."_

Chris grinned wide and joined in the singing.

"_You take one down, pass it around, nine-hundred-ninety-nine-thousand-nine-hundred-nin ety-nine buckets of __**oats**__ on the __**waaaall**__!"_

"Chris! Pinkie! _No_!" Elise exclaimed.

Dan turned towards the back seat, his face red with rage. "I _**WILL **_COME BACK THERE AND I WILL CUT OPEN YOU TWO AND STRANGLE YOU BOTH…"—Dan crossed his arms in front of him and leveraged angry index fingers at Chris and Pinkie—"...WITH _**EACH OTHERS**_ENTRAILS!"

Pinkie and Chris exchanged huge grins and announced. "It's them." In unison.

Mr. Mumbles yawned as Pinkie began stroking her. Mr. Mumbles purred in response.

Elise chuckled as Dan put on a sullen expression and turned back in his seat.

"So…umm…How did I end up in the back seat?" Chris asked, afraid he already knew the answer.

"We chloroformed the both of you because you were being insufferable." Dan answered.

Chris frowned. "Not cool!" He declared.

"Oooooh, mystery solved." Pinkie said simply.

Chris looked over to her. "You're not even a _little_ upset about this?" He asked, throwing his forearms out, palms up.

Pinkie smiled and raised her hands into a shrug. "I'm pretty used to it by now. As long as I wake up in the car next to Dan or in the apartment, I don't mind." Her smile grew as she placed her hands on the side of the car seat in front of her and peaked around it to look at Dan. "I've even been knocked out in the car and woke up in the bed a few times."

Dan blushed slightly.

"Now, who do you suppose carried me up _all_ those stairs and _all_ the way into the apartment?" Pinkie purred as her smile changed into a sly grin.

Dan crossed his arms and stared out into the darkening expanse of tree and fence lined asphalt. "You're heavy." He replied simply.

"Awww…" Elise uttered from the driver seat.

"Don't encourage her!" Dan wined agitatedly, looking at Elise.

"What? I think it's sweet!" Elise said. "I drag Chris to the bed when I knock him out, sometimes, too…"

Chris frowned. "Well, as nice as it is to wake up in a soft bed wondering what the heck happened as opposed to the floor, I think I'd prefer to not be knocked out at all!"

"Chris," Pinkie began, putting a hand on the tall man's shoulder and leaning over, "sometimes people just _need_ some quiet time and chloroform is an easy-peasy, if toxic, way of getting that!"

"Yeah, Chris!" Dan insisted with a toothy grin. "What are you suggesting? That I hit Pinkie over the head to knock her out? That would just be _barbaric_!"

"But, I..!" Chris protested before he sighed. "I'll just be quiet now…"

Elise chuckled.

Pinkie giggled and sat back in her seat. "How long were we out?"

"About four hours." Elise replied.

"Oh, well…that would explain why I have to use the bathroom really, _really_ bad!" Pinkie said with a slightly pained look, crossing her legs.

Chris's stomached made a churning sound. "Yeah, me too." He said meekly.

"It's what you two get for _eating_ so much!" Dan replied.

Pinkie pouted. "You said I could! Also, how was I to know you'd chloroform me?"

Dan turned back to fix his roomie with an evil grin. "Didn't your _Pinkie Sense_ warn you?"

Pinkie shook her head. "I don't have one for _imminent chloroforming_."

"Don't worry." Elise said. "We're almost to Salt Lake. We'll stop there and grab dinner." She said as the trees and concrete barriers gave way slightly to buildings that lined the side of the interstate.

Pinkie and Chris glanced at each other and gave a quick "Yay!" in unison.

"Wait…an entire lake made out of salt?" Pinkie asked. "That sounds kinda…super irresponsible. Do people just walk around drunk on salt all the time?"

The other car occupants went quiet.

"Yeah, I'm not even going to touch that one." Dan said.

"Touch what?" Pinkie asked in a confused tone, raising an eyebrow.

"Nothing. Shut up." Dan replied. "Great Salt Lake is just a really big lake that has a lot of salt in it."

"Ooooh." Pinkie replied. "Sounds…umm…salty?" Pinkie offered.

"Here guys, I'll pull over at the next exit, and we'll figure out a place to eat."

*soon*

Dan grinned a toothy smile full of sharp teeth. "Hey, we found a _Lenny's_."

Pinkie giggled. "No way!" She said with a smile.

"Eyup." Dan replied.

The color drained from Elise's face.

"Ooooh! Sounds great. I could really go for a super grand slam with an extra side of bacon." Chris said hungrily.

"No, please no!" Elise pleaded. "Anything but…"

-ooooo-

Dan laughed maniacally from the driver's seat as Pinkie suffered from a giggle fit in the passenger seat.

Chris and Elise sat in the back. Mr. Mumbles curled on Elise's lap. Chris had a slightly concerned look on his face. Elise had her face buried in both palms.

"_**Hahahaha**__…_Did you _see_ their…_pffft_…faces?!" Dan asked.

"Hehehehe…_**KABOOM**_!" Pinkie shouted jumping in her seat as much as the seatbelt would allow and flinging her hands in the air, smacking them against the car ceiling. "Syrup, _EVERYWHERE_!"

"It could have been worse." Chris said softly to his wife.

Elise removed a hand and glanced at Chris with a raised eyebrow. "_How_ could it have been worse?!"

"Well…we got under the table before they set off the syrup bomb…" Chris offered. "Oh! And nothing got set on fire." Chris added.

Elise sighed quietly, one hand still covering half her face. "That…kinda actually is a plus in this case, isn't it?"

Chris shrugged. "It's all relative with these two."

"Hehehe…"Pinkie slowly gained a foothold over her giggles and turned to face Chris. "So! What should we sing next?"

"Pinkie, if you begin another round of obnoxious singing, I _will_ crash this car on the _**passenger's**_ side." Dan threatened.

Elise removed the hand from her face and looked up with a worried expression.

"Is that a dare, or a _doubley-doggy-darey_?!" Pinkie asked, giving her roomie a mischievous grin.

"Do you _really_ want to find out?" Dan responded in a threatening tone.

Pinkie's grin widened. "I know a song that'll _**get on your nerves, Get on your nerves**_, _**get on**_…_EEEEEP_!" Pinkie exclaimed as Dan pulled the car to the right and the concrete barrier suddenly got substantially closer.

"AH!" Chris said in alarm, leaning over to wrap protective arms around his wife.

"Dan, could you _NOT_ crash our car?" Elise asked in a demanding tone.

"What! It's not _my_ fault you decided to sit behind her. And you're buckled in! You'd, _probably_, live." Dan insisted.

"Mr. Mumbles isn't." Elise pointed out.

"Merow." Mr. Mumbles mewed sadly from Elise's lap.

Dan gave an exasperated sigh. "_**FINE**_!" He glanced at Pinkie with eyes narrowed into slits. "Just _pick_ something that doesn't make me want to murder you."

Pinkie paused with an "Hmmmmm…" and a smile slowly spread across her face. Softly, she began to sing. _"Is this the real life, is this just fantasy…"  
_

Elise and Chris smiled and joined in.

"_Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality"_

Dan's grumpy expression slowly softened until he was grinning.

_"Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see"_

Dan suddenly joined in the singing, claiming a line from the song.

"_I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy"_

The other occupants of the car smile's widened as the opted to become Dan's background singers._  
"Because I'm easy come, easy go, a little high, little low"_

Dan chimed in._  
"Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me"_

"_to meeee"_

*a few minutes later."

"_I see a little silhouetto of a man" _Dan sung.

_"Scaramouch, scaramouch - will you do the fandango?" _His passengers replied.

_"Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me"_ Everyone sang.

_"Gallileo," _Elisesung in a high pitch.

"_gallileo," _Chris responded in a much lower pitch

"_gallileo," _Elise sung.

"_gallileo,"_ Chris sang.

The smiling occupants of the car once again joined voices._  
"Gallileo figaro magnifico"_

"_oh"_

"_Oh"_

"_Oooooh"_

"But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me"

Dan sang, bobbing his head to side to side with the rhythm.

Everyone else in the car threw out their hands towards Dan._  
"He's just a poor boy from a poor family"  
"Spare him his life from this monstrosity"_

"_Do da do da do da do da do da" _Pinkie sang, imitating a piano.

Dan continued._ "Easy come easy go will you let me go?"_

_"Bismillah __**NO**__ we will not let you go",_ Chris and Elise answered.

"_let him go"_ Pinkie pleaded from the front seat, placing her palms flat against each other, putting her hands under her chin, and turning and facing the couple with a grin.

Chris reached his hands over and placed them on Dan's shoulders. _"Bismillah, we will not let you go" _

"_let him go" _Pinkie responded, feigning struggling to get one of Chris's arms off Dan.

_"Bismillah, we will not let you go" _Chris and Elise responded.

"_let me go"_ Dan sang.

_"Will not let you go" _The other three responded.

"_let me go" _

_never Never let you go"_

"_let me go," _

The four joined their voices again.

"_never let me go oh, Oh, Oooooh"  
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no"_

_"Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go" _Dan sang, attempting to feign distress through his smile.

Everyone sang in unison again._  
"Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me - for Me - for __**Meeee**__"_

The four mimicked the sound of a guitar as they all began a round of vigorous head banging. Pinkie's long hair flew in all directions from the passenger seat.

"So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?"  
"So you think you can love me and leave me to die_**e**__e__**e**__!?"_

_"Oh baby"_

"_can't do this to __**me**__ baby"  
"Just gotta get out just gotta get right outta here"_

*soon*

"nothing_ really mattered, anyone can see" _Dan sang quietly._  
"Nothing really mattered nothing really mattered to me"_

"_Anyway the wind blows..." _His backup singers responded.

"_Crushshshshshs…"_ Pinkie said, mimicking a gong.

The four broke out into guffaws, chuckles, giggles, and laughter.

Dan smiled. "Alright, my turn." He grinned mischievously. "I know a _**great **_driving song."

Still smiling, Chris piped up. "Uh-oh. Should we be worried? That tone tells me we should be worried."

Pinkie giggled. "Probably." She answered.

"_Hey man, you know I'm really okay" _Dan sang,his mischievous face starting to go full evil.

Pinkie joined him on the next line, looking over with an equally evil grin._  
"The gun in my hand will tell you the same"  
"But when I'm in my car, don't give me no __**crap**__"  
"'Cause the slightest thing and I just might snap at alllllll"_

Dan's evil smile widened until he was grinning malevolently with every muscle on his face.

Pinkie's looked much the same.

Dan pressed down on the accelerator and continued his grim duet with Pinkie as Chris and Elise exchanged nervous grins from the back.

"_When I go driving, I stay in my lane"  
"But getting cut off, it makes me insane"  
"Open the glove box, reach inside"  
"Gonna wreck this fu…"_

*Later…*

"_I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" _Chris and Pinkie sang.

"Gah! _LAME_!" Dan declared.

Pinkie paused as Chris continued singing._  
"There they are, all standing in a row"_

She smiled at Dan. "Cheer up, it'll be your turn soon enough."

_"Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head"_

Dan sighed. "Yeah, I guess…"

*Later still…*

"_The lights go out and I can't be saved" _Elise sang softly.

Chris joined in._  
"Tides that I tried to swim against"_

"Also, **LAME**!" Dan protested.

_"Have brought me down upon my knees"_

Pinkie shushed him. "I like it. Don't worry, I'll pick something cool for my song."

_"Oh I beg, I beg and plead singing"_

"You **better**!" Dan stressed.

*hours of driving and singing later*

Chris yawned as Dan continued cutting through the dark night with the bright headlights of the car.

Elise had scooted over to the middle seat and was fast asleep leaning against her husband with her arms wrapped around one of his.

Pinkie had leaned her seat back and was likewise snoozing away as Mr. Mumbles laid curled on her lap.

"Hey Dan, pull over at the next exit, will you? We've hit the halfway point already."

"_Pfft_… You lightweight sissies, it's barely after one!" Dan exclaimed

"We don't _all_ stay up until we can hear the birds chirping, Dan."

"What?!" Dan protested. "They're _soothing_!"

"Look, I have to drive tomorrow, too, and I kinda would like something resembling a full night's sleep in a bed before I get behind the wheel.

"Weenie." Dan responded.

Pinkie yawned from the seat next to Dan. "Dan, just find us the nice_ee_st hotel you can find." Pinkie said, eyes barely opening in a half awake state. "My treat."

"But they just named this stupid city after the state it's in!" Dan protested. "I don't want to encourage such laziness!"

Pinkie opened her eyes a bit more and batted her eyelids at her roomie. "Please, Dan?"

Dan sighed. "Oh, _alright_…" He said in an irritated tone of voice. "…stupid Idaho Falls…" He muttered.

Chris smirked. "Oh, I see. You call _me_ names, but you'll listen to her!"

Pinkie giggled softly.

Dan paused. "She outranks you."

Chris's smirk transformed into a frown. "Outranks me? In what?"

"The Dan Army, of course." Dan replied.

"What?!" Chris exclaimed. "I've been pretty much the _entire _Dan Army until you met Pinkie!" He insisted.

Dan smiled as he drove the car onto an off-ramp. "Not quite, Mr. Mumbles joined before Pinkie, and she outranks you, too."

Mr. Mumbles mewed softly from Pinkie's lap.

"Oh, come on!" Chris protested. "Mr. Mumbles is a cat!"

"That's _Lieutenant_ Mr. Mumbles to you!" Dan responded. "And you'll salute when addressing her…and me…and Pinkie."

"Hehehe…" Pinkie responded softly.

Chris narrowed his eyes and continued frowning. "What's my rank?"

"The lowest. You're 'the Chris'." Dan replied.

"That's not even a real rank." Chris responded.

"That's just how _low_ it is!" Dan retorted.

"HeheHahahaha!" Pinkie said, her giggled giving way to full laughter.

Chris put on a sullen look. "Okay, what's Pinkie's rank?"

"Uhhh…" Dan glanced to the side for a second. "Commodore." He answered.

"Commodore is a _navy_ rank, Dan." Chris said flatly.

"Uhh…" Dan trailed off.

Pinkie turned her body to look at Chris and announced. "The Dan Army has its own _special _ranking system!" She insisted.

"Hey! No tag teaming!" Chris objected.

Dan grinned at his roommate. "See Chris? This is the sort of stuff you'd know if you had ever managed to rise in the ranks."

Chris crossed his arms. "Alright then, how _does_ one raise up in the ranks of the Dan Army?"

"You can do my bidding with less whining and protesting, for starters…oh, and be more handsome…or at least less goofy looking."

"Heeey!" Chris protested.

"Don't worry, honey." Elise spoke up, softly. "You're still number one in the Elise Special Forces." She assured, tightening her grip slightly.

"Awww…" Pinkie uttered with a small smile.

"Stop _encouraging_ insubordination!" Dan whined. "Otherwise, I might have to demote you to rear admiral.

Chris smiled. "Rear admiral is _higher_ than commodore."

"Not in the Dan Army, it's _not_!" Dan insisted forcefully.

"Hmmmmm, the Dan Army could use some flow charts, or something..." Pinkie mused.

Dan pulled the car into a parking lot.

"There, that looks pretty big." Dan said, motioning out to a large, four story tall hotel with a large entrance and porte-cochère jutting out of the center. "We'll probably get a nice view of the stupid river when it's light."

"Ooo, Fancy and Smancy!" Pinkie commented.

"Alright, Commodore, mustache Mr. Mumbles." Dan ordered.

"Aye, aye…uh…Dan." Pinkie responded with a happy smile and salute.

Dan exited the car, threw the keys in the back seat, closed the driver side door, walked to the passenger side, opened the door for Pinkie, and leaned down to unbuckle her seatbelt for her as the recently mustached Mr. Mumbles jumped off her lap and onto Dan's shoulder.

Pinkie giggled and brushed some of her hair from the side of her face as Dan stood back up. Pinkie bent down to grab her pink bag and looked up to see Dan holding out a hand for her. Pinkie smiled wide enough to make an audible squee sounds as she took the hand and Dan helped her to her feat.

"My, such the gentleman." Pinkie cooed as she planted a peck on Dan's cheek.

Dan smiled at her and turned to Chris. "Get the luggage, Chris." He paused as his teeth emerged from his smile. "Oh, and get the bags, too."

"Hey!" Chris and Elise said and unison.

Dan turn and ran towards the hotel shouting, "Oh no! The Elise Special Forces are attacking! Protect your commander and Lieutenant with your life, Commodore."

Pinkie pointed a finger to herself and put on a 'Who, me?' expression. "Wait! How am I going to pay for our rooms if I'm taken prisoner?"

Dan stopped and turned, his toothy grin and the silver case he was holding glinting under a parking lot light.

Pinkie laughed and gave chase. "You _JERK_! I won that money fair_sees_ and square_sees_!"

"The Dan Army thanks you for your contributions!" Dan shouted as the automatic doors opened for him and he ran into the hotel, Pinkie sprinting after him.

Chris sighed, but suddenly felt a gentle hand on his chest. He looked down to see his wife smiling up at him with big, violet eyes.

"Let them have their fun. I think grabbing a couple suitcases is a small price to pay for a fancy hotel room and a view of the river." Elise reasoned.

Chris smiled down at her, rubbing the back of his head. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

The two sat up and exited the car as Elise grabbed the keys.

"Hey, Chris?" Elise said as the two made their way to the trunk of the car.

"Hmmm?" He responded.

"Do me a favor and just stay 'the Chris' in the Dan Army. I'd prefer if you didn't explode syrup over any restaurants." Elise stated.

Chris smiled. "Of course, sweetie." His smile dropped slightly. "I doubt I could keep up with those two, anyway."

Elise leaned up to give her husband a quick kiss on the cheek. "I doubt _anyone_ could."

-ooooo-

_Bohemian Rhapsody _written by Freddie Mercury. Copyright EMI, Elektra, Parlophone, Hollywood

_Bad Habit_ written by Ron Welty, Greg Kriesel, Kevin Wasserman, and Dexter Holland (warning if you've never heard this song and look it up, its hecka rude. :P ). Copyright Epitaph

_I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts _written by Fred Heatherton.

_Clocks_ written by Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland,Will Champion, Chris Martin. Copyright Parlophone.


	39. Chapter 34

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Chapter 34 Pinkie Vs. Idaho

Elise sighed contently as she walked along the paved trial path with her husband, his hand firmly held in hers. To their left was a small road sitting next to a long stretch of grass and a canal with a series of hotels on the other side of it, to their right was green shrubbery, trees, and a large river that shimmered in the morning sun

"So nice of Pinkie to get us our own suite." She said looking out across the river at the trees and houses on the other side.

Chris chuckled. "Hard to believe we actually got some peace and quiet on this trip."

"Heh, Yeah." Elise agreed as she looked up towards her husband. "How long do you think it'll last?"

Chris smiled down at her. "How long do you think Dan and Pinkie will sleep?"

*-ooooo-*

"Pinkie?" Dan growled out in an irritated tone of voice.

"Yes, Dan?" Pinkie responded sweetly.

"This is a king sized bed, is it not?" Dan continued in his same grumpy tone of voice.

"That's what the nice lady downstairsees said!" Pinkie responded cheerfully.

"Then _why_, pray tell, do I find myself at the edge of the bed with your arms wrapped around me?" Dan demanded as he found pink, pajama clad arms surrounding his bare torso.

Light eked in from the thin, white shades over the hotel window into the room, covering it with masked daylight; light and dark brown curtains hung like a ruffled frame around it. Dan laid down facing away from the window getting a wonderful view of the lamp sitting next to him on a nightstand, a digital clock that read out 8:04 on the same nightstand, the beige wall, and a serene, framed picture of a farmhouse sitting next to a lake.

Pinkie gave her roommate's question some thought. "Hmmmmm…You're very cuddly." She offered, smiling and rubbing her face against the back of Dan's head. "And you smell nice. Also, Mr. Mumbles has the other side of the bed."

"Meow." Mr. Mumbles replied.

"I am _not _cuddly!" Dan insisted. His eyes narrowed as he saw a grey mass of fur led by large, green eyes approach along the edge of the bed. Mr. Mumbles nuzzled his chin and purred, curling up next to his neck.

Pinkie giggled. "Looks like you were just outvoted." She said, tightening her grasp on Dan.

Dan frowned. "I'm going to start wrapping myself with barbed wire before I go to bed. How does _that _sound?"

"Ermmm…painful." Pinkie replied. "For all _three_ of us."

Dan furrowed his brow. "_Grrr_…_**fine**_! No barbed wire. Just…just go back to your side of the bed. It's _way_ too early for your huggy nonsense."

"Hmmmm…nawww." Pinkie said. "I'm happy like this." She said with a huge grin.

"Well, _I'm not._" Dan insisted. His eyes went wide as he felt Pinkie pull him closer towards her and her head shift from behind his head to the side of it. Dan's heart started pounding in his chest as he felt Pinkie's breath against his ear.

"Liar." She whispered softly, the tips of her lips lightly brushing against his earlobes and sending shivers down his body.

Dan swallowed as he felt Pinkie's fingertips lighting curl against his skin. "Pinkie, what..?HeheheheHAHA_**HAHA**_, _STOP THAT_!" Dan demanded through a fit of laughter as Pinkie took full advantage of her position and subjected Dan to a relentless tickle torture session.

Mr. Mumbles took this opportunity to hop off the bed.

"I _told _you what happens to liars, _didn't I_?" Pinkie said with a mischievous grin.

"_HAHahah_…you…_weeze_…said that was in the…_hahahaha_…apartment!" Dan argued.

Pinkie's grin widened. "Oh! So I did. I guess that just means you'll have to fight back." She said as she continued her light, frantic, touching assault.

"HEheheHahaha_**OUCH**_!" Dan exclaimed loudly as he doubled up on his ribs.

Pinkie stopped her attack. "Dan?! What's wrong?!" She asked with no small amount of concern in her voice.

"One of my ribs you hit with the crowbar, I think you may have actually cracked it." Dan said in a pained tone of voice.

"Oh no! Dan I'm so sorry, let me have a look!" Pinkie said as she quickly moved her hands off of Dan.

Dan breathed in and out deeply and rolled onto his back as Pinkie moved her face in closer to examine his ribs.

"Dan, I don't see any…" Pinkie trailed off as she noticed Dan's mischievous grin, but it was too late. A flash of white collided with her face as Dan quickly wiped the pillow up from under his head and smacked Pinkie with it. The next thing she felt was Dan rolling over onto her and pressing down with the pillow on her face with one hand as his hand made its way under her pajama shirt and found its way to one of her sides.

"Hahahehehehe…mghpghmpgh…heheheHAHA! Good…mmmpghg…Good one!" Pinkie said as she struggled to keep the pillow off her face and Dan's hand from her side. "HAHAHA…mmffghgh…Alright! Alright! HAhahahehehe…I give…mfffphghffmmm…Uncle, already!"

"Mercy is for the **weak**!" Dan declared as he moved his other hand to the pillow and pressed down.

"_MMMMFFFFGHGHG!_" Pinkie said in alarm as she tried to remove Dan's arms. Finding them quite unremovable, she reached out towards the other side of the bed. Feeling a pillow, she crabbed it, and swung it with all her strength, clocking Dan with it.

"_Gah_!" Dan exclaimed from the surprise attack, giving Pinkie the opportunity to throw him off of her towards the foot of the bed, and roll off of it, pillow firmly in hand.

"You want to play rough, roomie?!" Pinkie asked through a giant smile as she wielded her pillow in both hands. "Then, _let's play rough_!"

Dan grinned as he jumped off the bed and likewise held his pillow aloft with both hands. "En garde!" He declared as he lunged towards Pinkie, holding his weapon high.

Pinkie likewise lunged and raised her pillow, bringing it down towards Dan as his pillow rapidly approached her.

*Several minutes of close quarter pillow fighting and attempted tickle combat later…*

Dan and Pinkie sat on the floor, backs against the foot of the bed. Both in hysterics as feathers continued to fall from the sky and land on them in a thin cover of white, downy snow.

"Hehehe…whoops. I guess I better tip the hotel well…" Pinkie commented, blowing feathers off her nose.

Dan stood up and brushed feathers off of himself. "I have to admit, I'm far less tempted to burn this place down than usual." He held a hand out to Pinkie who happily accepted it as Dan helped her up to her feet.

"Feel better?" Dan asked with a slight smile.

Pinkie smiled. "Yeah, I think I do."

Dan stretched and yawned. "Good. I'm looking forward to kicking your butt at more video games and _not_ suffering a concussion for my efforts."

Pinkie giggled. "I think pillows are more fun than my crowbar, anyways."

Pinkie walked across dark red and white checkered carpet and out of the open bedroom door. She walked into the living area of the suite. It looked much the same as the bedroom, though much larger and with cherry wood colored furniture. She walked past a dresser with an LCD TV sitting on top of it, an office chair in front of a desk, made her way over to the sliding pane glass door, and opened the shades to the balcony. "Oooooooo…" She uttered staring over the railing and out at the shimmering river below and the large, white church that towered up towards a point high above the tree tops. "Hey, Dan. C'mere a second, will you?"

"_What_?" Dan called in a mildly irritated tone as he pulled a black 'JERK' shirt over his head and peaked out into the room.

"Just…come here, okay?" Pinkie asked, turning her head over her shoulder towards him with a small smile.

Dan wordlessly made his way across the room and stood next to Pinkie, looking out the window and at the river and church across it.

"Yeah?" He asked. "It's…nice, I guess…peaceful."

Pinkie smile and nodded. "I known." She replied simply.

Dan was surprised to feel a hand reach out for his. His face flushed as he glanced at Pinkie, her smiling, sunlit face transfixed on the river across and below them.

Pinkie turned to Dan with a content smile.

Dan pulled his face back ever so slightly as her sky-blue eyes seemed to pierce into his green eyes as if they were searching for something.

"Dan?" Pinkie asked softly.

"Uh…yeah, Pinkie?"

Pinkie's content smile gave way to a full, grin. "Do you think we could reach the river from here?" She asked.

Dan blinked a few times attempting to reconcile the sudden shift in mood and looked back out the window. "…What?! Like…if we _**jumped**_?!" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

Between the balcony and the river stood a large lawn for the hotel, some wild flowers, a canal, more lawn, a small road, even more lawn a paved trail and a final bit of lawn and shrubs.

"Of course not, silly!" Pinkie insisted. "What if we used the rest of the dynamite we brought for the trip?"

Dan's left eye twitched a bit. "You want to _**explode **_us…out of the hotel room…and into the river?" He asked quizzically.

Pinkie brought up her free hand and waved dismissively. "No, no, no, no, no. What if we used the gunpowder to make some rockets and say…attach them to something, and then we can ride _that_ thingy."

Dan looked back out the window. "Hmmm…well….if we made a ramp to go over the railing…that would at least send us upwards." Dan frowned. "Though, I don't know enough about rockets to actually _make_ one…"

Pinkie grinned a sweet, but evil smile as she let go of Dan's hand and brought both her palms together just slightly under her nose. She rubbed them together as she looked outside. "I _do_." She cooed.

Dan put on a surprised expression and turned to look at her. "You _do_?!"

Pinkie cocked her head slightly and gave Dan a small grin. "Yep. I told you I was born to party, and the **best** parties always have fireworks." She explained.

Dan turned back to the river as his surprised expression gave way to a creeping, toothy grin that slowly established residence across his face. "Alright, let's get cleaned up and grab some breakfast downstairs." Dan suggested. "We can talk it over then."

"Yay!" Pinkie said victoriously as she turned towards her pink luggage bag for a change of clothing.

*-ooooo-*

Elise looked at her watch and frowned as Chris and she returned to the hotel. "It's getting kind of late. Do you think they're still asleep?"

Chris glanced up at the hotel and examined one of the balconies carefully. His lips pulled and scrunched to the side of his face as he noticed a large dining room folding table was set up against the railing at an angle. "No, they're definitely up…to something" Chris said, pointing at the balcony.

Elise followed the finger to the table. "It looks like…a ramp? Oh dear…that can't be good…"

'_BOOOOOOOOM'_

"_Wheeeeeeeee_!" Pinkie exclaimed as she hung onto metal, yellow bars at the front of a long, flat luggage cart that had been turned into a rocket cart.

Dan, also clinging to the bars, laughed maniacally as the cart propelled forward, onto the table ramp that had been setup and off into the sky.

Chris and Elise looked up with wide eyes as the cart sailed overhead, casting a shadow over them briefly as it soared four stories high and began to descend.

'_SPLASH'_

Chris and Elise looked out into the water with concerned expressions, large ripples radiated from the spot where the cart had crashed, with small bubbles surfacing in the center.

Soon, the water's surface was disturbed again as Dan and Pinkie emerged, laughing and giggling to themselves as Pinkie wiped her soaked hair back off her face.

"Nailed it!" Pinkie declared triumphantly throwing a fist into the air.

"Hehehe…you're a _mad genius_, Pinkie." Dan declared.

"Aww, I couldn't have done it without your work on the ramp." Pinkie replied with a smile.

The two exchanged a quick high five.

Dan shivered slightly, "Gah, could this water _be_ any colder? Let's get out of here."

Pinkie nodded happily and the two began swimming back to shore.

Chris sighed. "Good thing we packed and checked out early."

Elise matched his sigh. "Yeah, definitely don't want to go back to the hotel after that."

Pinkie looked towards Dan and giggled. "Good thing we packed and checked out early."

Dan chuckled. "Yeah, definitely don't want to go back to the hotel after **that**."

"Don't worry, I left them two of those bundles of cash an_OUCHIE_!" Pinkie exclaimed as Dan and she approached the shore, still a few feet out into the water.

Chris and Elise turned with a concerned look at the two swimmers.

"Pinkie? Are you alright? What happened?" Dan asked, with a noted amount of apprehension in his voice.

"Something _cut_ me!" Pinkie cried, lifting up her chin to show a long, jagged cut across her neck.

"Here…" Dan helped Pinkie to the shore and helped her out of the water. Her red, floral shirt clung to her body and, much like Dan's, her jeans had turned a darker shade of blue after being soaked. "Let me look…" He said as he and Pinkie climbed to their feet.

Pinkie gritted her teeth and lifted her chin up further.

"Huh…it's shallow, and it doesn't look like it was made with a blade, or anything."

There was a splash from the river's edge, and Dan and Pinkie looked out to see a foot long fish jump and slap its tail on the water disapprovingly at the two.

"Uh…A fin?" Dan suggested, looking at the fish. Dan narrowed his eyes at it and angrily pointed at it. "YOU'LL GET YOURS, FISH!" He shouted angrily. "You're going on the _**list**_!" He threatened angrily.

Dan felt a comforting hand on his shoulder and turned to see Pinkie smiling weakly as she rubbed her fresh cut. "It's okay, Dan. Maybe we wrecked his home when we crashed into the water."

Dan sighed. "Fine, let's just get back to the car."

"Are you two alright?" Elise asked.

Dan and Pinkie turned to see Chris and Elise standing a few feet away from them.

"That _jerk_ trout gave her a nasty cut on the throat." Dan explained.

"It's not so bad." Pinkie said with a small smile.

"Here, let me see." Elise said walking up to Pinkie.

Pinkie removed her hand so Elise could get a better look.

"A cutthroat trout, huh?" Chris mused.

"Chris, I don't think that's why they call it that." Elise said as she leaned in towards Pinkie's wound.

"It's just an interesting coincidence, is all." Chris responded with a shrug.

"Coincidence _nothing!_" Dan retorted. "That fish was out for blood!"

"Ow, ow, ow…" Pinkie muttered as Elise lifted her chin up, examining her wound.

"Well," Elise began, "It didn't get much. Let's get some disinfectant on this and get you patched up."

Pinkie smiled weakly and nodded.

"Did you two check out yet?" Chris asked.

"Uh-huh!" Pinkie answered with a slight nod, finding her normal vigorous head bobbing a little more painful than usual. "We even loaded Mr. Mumbles and our stuff into the car, already and left a _biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig_ tip!"

Elise paused. "Wait. How? We have the keys."

Chris sighed and raised a palm to his face. "Dan has a spare…or several."

Dan chuckled to himself with a small grin.

"Oh, well…that's disconcerting." Elise said leveling a small glare at the short man.

"Hey, can we talk about this later? I think I'm turning my red shirt redder…" Pinkie said, clutching a hand against her neck. "Whoa…" Pinkie felt a tremble that started at her backside and a pinchy feeling at her knee. "Uh-oh…" She murmured.

"Pinkie?" Dan began. "What's wro…"

'_HOOOONK_, _HOOOONK'_

The four turned their heads to look up the embankment towards a rapidly approaching large truck that barreled down the road, hauling a load of long, thick trunks of lumber secured by several thick strands of rope in an open trailer behind it. They collectively shot it a worried expression at the swift speed the driver was taking down the small, single lane road.

There worry was not unfounded as the truck clipped the small, concrete edge of the road and bounded up, then down **hard** as the driver turned the truck to round a corner.

The stress took its toll on the ropes and they snapped sending half a dozen large logs off bounding and rolling towards the group at the river's edge.

"Look out!" Elise shouted, quickly reaching for her husband and running towards safety.

Pinkie and Dan began to follow, but Pinkie quickly found something large and round under her foot. Her leg slipped out from under her. She landed face first on the ground. She quickly sat up and turned to see the massive logs quickly approaching down the hill.

She closed her eyes and screamed.

Adrenaline coursed through Dan's body as he turned, sprinted towards Pinkie in a couple quick steps and bent down to scoop her up in his arms. He pivoted and kicked down hard with his leg, propelling himself into the sky and out of the way as a giant log passed under his legs and over the spot Pinkie and him and occupied mere moments before.

The two hit the ground hard as Dan extended his arms as far as they would go. Dan landed face down in the grass as Pinkie landed on her rear and sprawled her body out, face up at the sky.

"Hey! Those are western white pines." Chris stated informatively, holding up an index finger as the logs rolled into the river.

"Uh, Chris?" Elise said. "Not really important right now."

Chris blushed slightly. "Sorry…" He said sheepishly.

Dan looked up and spit grass and dirt out of his mouth. He wiped the back of his hands over his lips. "You're heavy." He griped at the pink haired girl laying a foot in front of him.

Gentle sobbing was the response. A sounds that immediately blasted away his feeling of irritation and cut into his heart. "Pinkie, I'm sorry, I didn't mea_GAHK_."

Dan was cut off as a pink blur sprung from her spot on the ground and buried her face into his chest, arms wrapping around his torso tightly.

The sobbing was joined by the quiet murmur of "_Thank you_. Thank you _sooo_ much."

Small tears formed in Dan's eyes as he wrapped his arms around Pinkie, placing a comforting arm on her back and another on her head. "Sure, Pinkie. _Anytime_." He responded softly.

Elise and Chris bounded over to the soaked and dirty pair. "Are you two alright?" Elise asked in a concerned tone.

Dan shot her an irate raised eyebrow from his spot on the ground as he held the crying Pinkie Pie. "Define, 'alright'." He responded irritably.

"Uh, I'll settle for not needing to go to the hospital in this case." Elise responded.

"_SNIFF…_" Pinkie unburied her head from Dan's chest and looked up. "I'm okay." She said weakly. A small smile finally returned to her face. "Thanks to Dan."

"Heh." Dan replied with a small smile. "Alright, don't get all mushy on me, you're getting blood on my shirt."

Pinkie smiled at Dan as the two rose to their feet.

'_Crash'_

"What the _heck_ was that?" Dan asked as everyone turned towards the road and looked down it.

"Yeah…the road the truck was on sort of ends in a concrete barrier…" Chris stated.

"I wonder why the truck was even driving down it in the first place." Pinkie said.

Dan sighed. "Who cares?" He raised an eyebrow at Pinkie. "What'd you trip on, anyways?" Dan asked. "I thought you were Ms. Perfect Balance."

Pinkie pursed her lips and looked over to the spot that was almost the site of her brutal crushing. A brown, oval object sat embedded into the ground. Pinkie walked over taking Dan with her and bent down to dig the object out of the soil. She lifted the misshapen, brown object for everyone to see.

"That's a potato." Chris stated informatively, holding up an index finger.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious." Dan replied snidely. "We don't know **what** we'd do without you."

"Just trying to help." Chris responded.

"Could you maybe help by stop talking?..And maybe _breathing_ while you're at it?" Dan retorted angrily.

"Alright, Dan. I'm going to let that one slide because you just went all superhero on us and ran in front of giant logs to save Pinkie." Elise stated. "But we should really get you two cleaned up."

"_CHEEP, CHEEP"_ Without warning, an angry, small bluebird dove from the sky and began attacking Pinkie's wet, curly hair.

"_WHAAA_!" Pinkie exclaimed, breaking from Dan and flailing her hands about at the attacking bird.

"Oooo, that's a mountain bluebird." Chris stated informatively, holding up an index finger.

Dan vainly swatted at the bird as it angrily called out at Pinkie and flapped about, just inches out of reach. "Chris, when I catch this bird, I'm going to _feed it to you_ to plug your word hole."

Elise reached into her pocket and pulled out a penny. She carefully placed it on her forefinger and held it level as she raised her fist up. She held her hand in front of her eyes and looked out at the erratically flapping bird. Elise flicked her thumb and the penny shot out, clocking the bird which gave one more alarmed "CHEEP!" and flew away.

"Nice shot." Dan commented. "Very accurate."

Elise smiled. "Thank you, Dan."

"Can we go now?" Pinkie enquired. "I'm not sursees why everything is out to _get_ me today, but I'd like to be in the car before...Oh! Hello!" Pinkie smiled as a black and gold butterfly fluttered over to her and perched on her outstretched index finger.

"Uh…Pinkie?" Dan called out pointing off into the distance.

Pinkie looked up from the butterfly with a smile. "Yes Dan?" Her eyes went wide and her smile dropped as she noticed a swarm of black, gold, and orange butterflies quickly closing on her position. "CAR! _**NOW**_!" She shouted frantically flailing the hand the butterfly was resting on and breaking towards the hotel in a sprint.

The trio of friends quickly followed, putting some distance between them and the angry gold and black cloud that gave pursuit. Soon all four were inside the relative safety of the car.

"Merow?" Mr. Mumbles mewed in a concerned sounding tone as Pinkie and Dan sat down in the backseat.

"It's _**okay**_, Mr. Mumbles." Pinkie assured in an uneven tone, reaching down to pick up Mr. Mumbles in both hands and raise Mr. Mum. "I just almost _died_ and was **attacked** by a _**swarm**_ of pretty butterflies." Pinkie's eye twitched as lips pulled to a side of her face and her teeth gritted rapidly for a second.

"Monarch Butterflies, to be exact." Chris stated informatively from the passenger seat, holding up an index finger.

"SHUT UP, CHRIS!" The other occupants of the car commanded harshly.

"Right, shutting up now." Chris said, turning towards the front.

Elise quickly started the car, and drove off as the swarm of butterflies rapidly approached it.

Dan looked towards Pinkie, "So ummm…how are you feeling, now?"

"_**FINE**_! Just totally, absotively _**FINE**_!" Pinkie stated, setting down Mr. Mumbles on the seat next to her, and stressing just how absotively '_**FINE**_'she totally was.

"Oh…Okay, I only ask because you look like you're a few seconds away from freaking out on me."

"Uhhh…" Pinkie forced a crooked and twisted smile on her face, and cocked her head while lowering it so she was looking up at Dan with blue, wild, worried looking eye. "Permission to start totally freaking out on you?"

Dan nodded. "Granted."

Pinkie's smile broke as tears shot from her eyes and she buried her face in Dan's chest again. "_SOB…_Oh Dan! I don't know what's going on! One second we're having fun and sailing through the air then swimming back and then this fish cuts me on the neck and next thing I know there's this truck and giant logs coming towards me and I trip on an errant potato on the ground and you saved me and I'm really, _really_, **really**, _**super-dee-duper**_ grateful for that but then this bluebird attacks me out of _**nowhere**_ and then these butterflies try to _**kill**_ me! And I'm just so scared and confused and I just kinda wanna stay here forever except you're really wet and smell like river right now."

"Uhh…there, there?" Dan offered confusingly, lightly patting Pinkie's back.

Pinkie shot back up in the middle-backseat of the car. "Thanks Dan!" She said wrapping her arms around Dan's shoulder and hugging him tightly. "I feel a lot better."

"Hmmm…" Chris said, rubbing his chin.

"Chris, if you say just _**one**_ more stupid thing, I'm going to take Pinkie's chef knife and give you a cut to match hers. Except _**MINE **_will be deep enough to give you a Columbian necktie." Dan threatened from behind Chris.

"What's a Columbian necktie?" Pinkie asked, buckling her seatbelt and nudging Dan so he did the same.

"You don't want to know." Elise responded.

"It's just that everything that attacked Pinkie was from Idaho." Chris stated.

"Chris, I'm going for the knife." Dan informed, reaching towards Pinkie's bag on the car floor.

"No, wait! They're _official _things from Idaho." Chris stressed.

"The knife is out of the bag, Chris." Dan informed, as he pulled out a chef's knife in a plastic sheath.

"I mean, they're official _state_ things from Idaho."

"The knife is now unsheathed, Chris." Dan said, as he took the plastic sheath off.

"NO! I mean, the cutthroat trout is the official state fish, the western white pine is the official tree, the potato is the official vegetable, the mountain bluebird is the official bird, and the monarch butterfly is the official state insect."

Dan sheathed the knife. "Wait, so you're saying _**Idaho**_ attacked Pinkie?"

"Yep." Chris stated.

Dan sighed. "Figures."

"Wait…Idaho? Like…the state?" Pinkie asked. "States _attack_ people, here?!"

Dan and Elise nodded somberly.

"Pretty much." Elise added.

Pinkie's smile dropped. "Dan, can I please go back to freaking out?"

Dan lifted his left arm giving Pinkie a clear shot at his chest. "Have fun."

Pinkie smiled. "I will!" She answered cheerfully, before breaking down into sobs and cries as she reburied her face in Dan's chest.

Dan sighed, and patted Pinkie's back with another "There, there."

Pinkie looked up briefly, "Anyone want to freak out with me?" She asked cheerfully. "It's fun!" She insisted.

Mr. Mumbles jumped on top of Pinkie and bounded over to Dan's shoulder. She began frantically howling as she rubbed against the stubble on his face.

"That's the spirit!" Pinkie said with a big grin as she returned to tortured sobs on Dan's chest.

Dan sighed as his roommate and cat freaked out all over him. "Please just find a place where we can change and get cleaned up." He said to Elise. "I'm not sure how much freaking out I can take."

Elise smiled. "Sure, Dan."

*Some driving, wound dressing, and a change of clothes later.*

Pinkie and Dan sat quietly in the back. Pinkie had changed into her red and white striped shirt and a dry pair of jeans. Dan simply changed into a drier, less blood soaked 'JERK' shirt and jeans. Pinkie opted to sit in the middle-seat, resting her head against Dan's shoulder. Mr. Mumbles opted to sit curled up on Pinkie's lap.

Elise continued driving the group towards their destination and out of Idaho.

"So…" Chris began. "What should we sing next?"

Pinkie yawned in reply. "No singing for a while, please." She smiled contently with her head resting on Dan's shoulder. "I think I'm happy like this."

She closed her eyes and relaxed her body.

"I also vote for quiet." Dan yawned out, resting his head against the pink mop of curly hair resting on his shoulder.

Mr. Mumbles mewed quietly from Pinkie's lap and closed her eyes.

Soon the trio was quickly snoozing away in the backseat.

Chris turned to glance at the sleeping residents of Casa Paradisio room 8 and grinned turning to his wife. "Alright, I admit. They're pretty cute when they're not wrecking stuff."

"Yeah." Elise agreed with a smile. She turned back to the road. "Let's see how long it lasts…"

Author notes:

*Wonders how long he can keep the ship teasing up before his readers figure out where he lives, forms an angry mob, and forces him to write a kissing scene at gunpoint.*


	40. Chapter 35

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Chapter 35 Pinkie Vs. Elise's Parents

Chris plodded behind his wife as the two hiked through a snowy woods full of pine and fir trees that towered overhead, heavy boots trudging through two feet of snow as the two continued their trek to nowhere in particular. Sunlight still proved to be abundant despite the conditions and visibility was not an issue. Though, the snow and black, large, full duffle bags the two were carrying made the journey an arduous one.

Chris's normal attire was slightly modified. He wore a long sleeved white shirt, his normal short sleeved blue shirt over it, and an orange, puffy vest over that.

Elise had opted to wear something that blended with surroundings a bit better. She wore a green, camouflage coat that remained unzipped, exposing a tight black shirt underneath, and vertical belts going down her shoulders to another belt around her waist. On her belts were an assortment of pouches, canisters, and a square metal handle sticking out of one of the pouches positioned high against her chest on the left. Black, fingerless gloves covered her hands. Finally, grey pants with large, full side pockets began at her waist, under her belt, and continued down, ending at a pair of black combat boots.

Elise stared down at a gun shaped device with a small screen that showed bluish outlines of trees with the occasionally orange/red dot inside the silhouette against a darker blue background. From the screen, the device extended out several inches in a round barrel about three inches in diameter, with a hole at the front.

"_Huff…_Any bears yet?" Chris asked.

"Not yet." Elise responded, continuing to stare down at her device.

Chris sighed. "A bear would be good. Less walking for us."

"_If _they're domesticated." Elise added.

Chris smiled and shook his head. "Doesn't matter, I speak bear." He added. "Can we rest a bit? Hiking this terrain might be in my blood, or at least one sixteenth of it, but hauling all this stuff isn't."

Elise looked up from her thermal sensor and looked at their surroundings. "Hmmmmm, alright. Sure. This seems like a good spot." Elise said, unzipping her duffle bag and putting the thermal sensor inside. She fished around inside her bag and pulled out a white, foot long cylinder that ended in a round protrusion at one end, and a small spike at the other.

"Hey! Do I get a lightsaber, too?" Chris joked from a rock that jutted about a foot out of the snow and proved large enough to serve as a suitable seat with a large fir tree serving as a back rest.

Elise grinned at him. "It's cool, but it's not _that_ cool." She responded as she pressed a button on the side of the cylinder. The spike extended out a few feet at the end of a thin, metal poll. Elise thrust the spike into the ground, pushed the same button that had caused the spike to extend, and pushed the cylinder down until only the round protrusion was peeking up out of the snow.

"What is it?" Chris enquired.

"It's a proximity sensor. It'll let us know if anything comes this way." Elise explained.

"You mean, 'anyone'." Chris said flatly.

"Yeah, that's what I said…" Elise began, stopping herself as she processed her own response.

_Crud._

"Erm, _**no!**_" Elise insisted with a nervous grin. "Uh…I'm interested in seeing if any large animals come buy…like a _bear_ or _moose_…"

"Uh-huh." Chris answered, his face a blank slate. "So how armed and dangerous is the terrorist that might kill us all?" He asked.

Elise shook her head. "It's not a terrorist, it's a cannibal serial murderer_**DANGIT**_!"

Chris narrowed his eyes, "Oh, well…that's disconcerting." Chris raised an eyebrow. "So you were okay with bringing your husband, best friend, and ummm…_Dan_ out into the Canadian wilderness where we could all potentially be murdered and eaten?"

"_Chris, don't move_!" Elise commanded as she dropped her duffle bag.

Chris's eyes went wide and he froze his body on the spot.

In a flash of movement, Elise snatched the metal handle out of the pouch on her chest revealing a short, spade shaped blade at the end. She quickly threw the knife.

Chris heard a '_thock' _from a few inches above his head as the knife impacted the tree he was sitting against. The bottom half of a neatly sliced pinecone fell from above and landed in his lap.

"Uhhh…" Chris glanced up at the small knife handle sticking out of the tree.

Elise smiled and walked over to Chris. "See? You're perfectly safe."

Chris returned his eyes to their previously narrowed state. "Alright, what about Dan and Pinkie?"

"Dan's _expecting _a serial killer..." Elise glanced to the side briefly, "…or evil spirit, just by virtue of us going camping."

"Well…that sounds about right for Dan, but what about Pinkie?"

"Did you _see_ the chainsaw she packed?"

Chris nodded.

"Let's just say she didn't bring that because she has fantasies of becoming a lumberjack." Elise said, motioning out with a hand. "Also, I sort of got the impression she's dealt with a fair share of dangerous situations even _before_ she met Dan."

Chris put on a concern frown. "Okay, suddenly I'm less concerned about the serial killer getting us and _more_ concerned about Dan and Pinkie…"

Elise smiled and walked over to Chris, sitting on his lap and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "Don't worry. You and I will finish getting some proximity sensors in place, a few cameras…" Elise reached up and pulled her knife out of the tree. "…and we'll have plenty of warning before Dan and Pinkie go out and hack someone to pieces."

Chris raised his eyebrow. "You mean before someone hacks _them_ to pieces." He corrected.

Elise's expression went blank as she stared at Chris.

"…You _don't_ mean before someone hacks them to pieces…" He said with a worried expression.

Elise smiled again and hopped off Chris's lap, holding her hand out to Chris.

Chris accepted it with a smile and Elise pulled him to his feet.

Elise walked back to her duffle bag, picked it up, unzipped it, took out the thermal sensor, and turned it on. She frowned as she observed a bright orange and red rectangular shape move behind the blue trees on the screen.

"Uh-oh." Elise uttered, lowering the sensor and staring out past the trees.

"What?" Chris asked, a slight tone of panic entering his voice. "Is it the killer?"

Elise shook her head. "Worse! We need to get back to the cabin on the double."

*-ooooo-*

"GHAH!" Dan shouted as a snowball collided with his face. A green jacket and thick, black gloves added to his standard attire of a black 'JERK' shirt and jeans, and his black shoes replaced by large, black boots.

He quickly ducked behind a crude looking snow wall and wiped the white, cold substance off his face.

"What part of, 'Cover me!' Did you not understand?" He asked irritably, looking down at a black sweater wearing, Mr. Mumbles.

"Meow!" Mr. Mumbles replied, rolling onto her back and exposing her belly.

"Awww,"Dan uttered, bending down to stroke the sweater clad cat, "who could stay mad at that face?"

"Dan, you do realize a snowball fight means _throwing snowballs_, _riiiight_~?" A feminine voice called out in a cheerful, sing-song, mocking tone.

"SUCK SNOW, PINK GIRL!" Dan shouted, grabbing a nearby snowball and blindly flinging it over his snow wall.

Dan heard the sounds of the snowball impacting more snow.

"Golly, why did I even _build _a snow fortress?" Pinkie responded with a giggle.

"C'mon!" Dan shouted back. "It's hardly a fortress!"

"It's got two stories, it has windows, and a parapet." Pinkie counted. "It doesn't get more snow fortressy than that!"

"Look! You can't spell "fortress" without…uh… 'tres'." Dan responded, looking down at Mr. Mumble with a shrug.

"Oh! You mean one of these?" Pinkie responded.

Dan cocked his head as he heard the sound of a string instrument being played. He decided to venture a look to see Pinkie; clad in a bright pink parka, jeans, and light pink snow boots; dangling her feet off the edge of the snow fortress as she sat between two large blocks of snow, holding a string instrument that looked very much like a stout guitar.

"What the heck is that?!" Dan exclaimed.

"D'uh!" Pinkie responded. "It's a tres! Of _course_ I can't have a fortress without a tres!" Pinkie responded, plucking at the strings a few times. "It's in the _name_!"

"Merow?" Mr. Mumbles said.

Dan looked down at the cat with a shrug. "_I don't know_!" He insisted. "I thought I made it up!"

"Meow!"

"Oh, right!" Dan quickly bent down to pick up a snowball, and stood up and flung it in a Pinkie Pieish direction.

Pinkie traced the snowballs trajectory as it sailed far over her head. She looked down at Dan. "Seriously? I'm right here. I didn't even move or duck for cover, or _anything_!"

"GRAHHHH!" Dan became a flurry of motion as he picked up snowball after snowball and flung them at the pink haired girl sitting atop her two story snow structure.

Pinkie looked about as snowballs flew all around her, hitting her fortress, the blue sedan, the cabin, the ground, some trees, a squirrel, some birds, and pretty much everything but her.

Pinkie scrunched her eyebrows together. "Dan, do you need glasses? I'm actually kinda worried for you at this point."

"SHUT UP!" Dan responded angrily.

Pinkie frowned. "Aww, did I make you upset?" Pinkie shimmied of her perch and landed in the snow below, setting the Tres against the wall of her snow fortress "I'm sorry." She said earnestly. "Here! I'll give you a free shot!"

"I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY!" Dan shouted as Pinkie approached. "…also I just threw all my snowballs." He added as he walked around to the front of the his wall, crossing his arms and giving a sullen look to a tree that stood a few feet away from him to his left.

"Awww, well…we can do something else that's fun!" Pinkie said as she approached Dan. "We can go sledding, or make snow angels, or go snowshoeing or…"

Dan squinted into the distance behind Pinkie as she closed the distance to a few feet between them. "What's that? Dan asked, pointing behind her.

"Huh?" Pinkie turned, exposing the back of her cutie mark adorned parka to Dan. "I don't see any"—Pinkie felt a tug at her parka and shirt and something very cold press against her bare back and travel all the way down her spine—"_EEEEEEEEK_!"

"I LIED!" Dan said triumphantly.

"So _cold_!" Pinkie declared as she quickly untucked her shirt from her jeans and allowed the large snowball to fall to the ground.

"War is cold, Pinkie." Dan retorted. He squinted and pointed again. "What's that?"

"Dan, how stupid do you think I am?" Pinkie asked with a knitted brow.

"Uhh…how honest of an answer do you want here?" Dan asked. "But seriously, something's coming."

Pinkie's ears perked up as she heard the sound of a large engine approaching. She turned as a large, white RV approached the cabin and frowned as she felt something cold and snowy impact and explode against the back of her head.

Pinkie turned to Dan and shot him a glare.

"What?" Dan asked. "There really was something this time!"

"Oh, you are _so_ going to get it, mister." Pinkie declare, tensing her body back in a pounce position.

"Huh." Dan said looking up at the RV. "I think that's Elise's pareGHA!"

Dan felt the impact of a body throwing itself against him, followed by the snow wall behind him that he flew up and over, then the snowy ground on the other side, and finally the same body that was thrown against him as Pinkie landed on top of him.

Pinkie giggled as she reached for loose clumps of snow and threw them point blank Dan's face.

"You little sneak! I'll"-Dan spit some now out of his mouth—"get you for this!" he declared, grabbing his own loose clumps of snow and flinging them up at Pinkie and flailing his legs about. Dan's boot kicked deep into his makeshift wall.

Pinkie felt a tremble in her rear. "Uh-oh…"She muttered looking behind her as Dan's snow wall collapsed and buried the two snow warriors.

A hand with pink nail polish on it stuck out of the snow pile and twitched a couple times. Soon, the snow rose and fell away as Dan and Pinkie stood to their feet, grumbling and giggling to themselves respectively.

"_Hehehehe_…Dan, I'm sorry, but that wall was _terrible_!" Pinkie stated, as she brushed snow off herself.

"Give me a break! I live in Sothern California!" Dan pointed out, also brushing snow off himself. "It only snows in trite Christmas movies or if a super villain is trying to freeze the city…"

The two turned as the RV engine cut, the RV parked in front of the cabin, next to Pinkie's tall snow fortress.

Dan and Pinkie looked through the large windshield of the RV to see a man with grey thinning hair, a mustache, and a red polo shirt under a large, brown, bomber jacket; a slender woman with blond hair with grey streaks in it, and a green shirt under a form fitting black trench coat.

Pinkie turned to Dan. "Serial killers?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

Dan chuckled. "_Worse_. Elise's parents."

"Oooo! I've never met them before! This is going to be so much fun!" Pinkie said excitedly.

*-ooo-

"So, that's the woman who can bear to share a roof with Dan." The man commented.

"Don, be nice." The woman responded. "Elise has had nothin' but good things to say about Pinkie."

Don raised an eyebrow at the woman sitting across from him and motioned out to the girl in pink outside. "Sure, but she's still crazy enough to actually _want _to share an apartment with that maniac. There's _got_ to be something wrong with her." He insisted.

"Well, you have a point there…" The woman admitted. "Oh! She's waving! Quick, Don! Smiles! Wave!"

Don and the woman plastered on fake smiles and waved out towards Pinkie as Dan fixed the couple in the RV with a quizzical look.

The doors to the RV cab opened and Elise's parents stepped out, brown pants and black snow boots finished the man's ensemble; jeans and white ugg boots finished the woman's. The side of the RV opened as well, and a muscular man with close cropped, blonde hair, a light blue polo shirt under a leather coat, grey cargo pants, and large brown boots stepped out.

"Huh, they brought dreamboat." Dan commented.

"Dreamboat?" Pinkie asked.

"Er…I mean Colby. Ex-boyfriend of Elise." Dan explained.

"Oh well…that's…" Pinkie knitted her brow slightly, "_strange_…but the more the merrier!" Pinkie said excitedly.

Dan sighed. "We're about ten times more likely to be attacked by a serial killer, now."

"Oh? What makes you say that?" Pinkie asked.

Dan motioned out to the group in front of the RV. "The _last _time we were all together, we were attacked by The Hockey-Masked Maniac." Dan frowned. "I'd start checking radio stations if they _went_ this far."

"That's okay! We're well prepared for any chain-saw wielding maniacs!" Pinkie insisted with a smile. "I'm going to go say, 'Hi'!" She declared.

Dan rolled his eyes. "Yes, you do that. Have fun."

Pinkie cupped her hands together and brought them up to her face with a huge smile that made an audible 'squee' as her lips pulled to their limits. She quickly bounded over through the snow to the group that had exited the RV.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!" She announced holding out a hand.

"Uh…Don." Don said, taking the hand as Pinkie started giving his a vigorous shake.

The woman extended her hand with a smile. Pinkie happily extended her other arm crisscross over her other arm and took the woman's hand in hers and started shaking it as well.

"I'm Elise." The woman responded.

"Oh? But that's Elise's name!" Pinkie exclaimed in a surprised tone.

"That's because she was named after me." Elise Sr. explained. "She's a junior, and I'm Elise Senior."

"Oh! I had no idea!" Pinkie responded. "May I call you Senior?"

"No you may not." Elise Sr. replied simply.

"Oh. Alright then." Pinkie responded cheerfully.

"Uh, Pinkie? Could we have our hands back?" Don enquired as Pinkie continued shaking his and Elise Sr.'s hands.

"Oops! Hehehe, sorry!" Pinkie said with a smile, letting go of their hands. She extended a hand out to Colby who took it in his hand and started giving it a firm shake.

"I'm Colby" He said with a large smile. "Former astronaut, current medical school student. _Juuust_ about to wrap up my Ph.D."

"Uhh…cool beans." Pinkie responded.

"Colby." Don said with a raised eyebrow, "Maybe the lady would like her hand back?"

"Oh, but it's so cold! I'm just warming it up for her." Colby insisted.

"_That's okay_!" Pinkie exclaimed nervously. "It's fine!" She announced, retracting her hand and placing it behind her back. "I'm _**fine**_!" She insisted.

"Hmmm, yes, you sure are." Colby said with a wink.

"Errmmm…."Pinkie recoiled at the wink and turned to Don and Elise Sr. "Thank you so much for letting us stay in your cabin! I've had so much _fun_ today out here in the snow and pelting Dan with snowballs! Oh, I just know we're _all_ going to have a _blast_ together! There's so much more I haven't even done out here! Like snow angels, and tree climbing, and sleddin…"

"Yes, I'm sure you and Dan will have a wonderful time together." Elise Sr. said.

"Uh…right…sure…" Pinkie responded, her smile dropping slightly.

"So, Pinkie." Don began. "I understand you moved into Dan's apartment with him."

Pinkie's smile returned. "Yep! He's my bestest, best buddy in the whole wide world!" She stated.

Don smiled darkly. "What was wrong? Were all the gutters occupied when you needed a place to stay?"

Pinkie's smile leapt for cover as her eyes went wide. "Uhhh…"

"Don, be nice." Elise Sr. chided.

"Heh, just kidding!" Don said with a closed eye smile, giving Pinkie a playful slap on her shoulder.

"Heh, sure…" Pinkie said, forcing a week smile. She turned to Colby.

"Astronaut, huh? You know I've been to the moon."

The trio stared at her blankly.

"Well, not _this_ moon…you see…"

-o-

Dan watched the spectacle unfold with a bemused expression.

He turned as he heard the sounds of snow being trodden through as Chris and Elise emerged from the tree line.

"Chris! Elise!" Dan called with a smile. "You're missing the show!"

The couple made their way to Dan and dropped their duffle bags.

Elise sighed as she looked towards the RV and raised her fingerless gloved palm to her face. "Oh no…"

"Oh yes!" Dan replied with a smile.

Chris matched Elise's sigh and face palm, "And they brought Colby, _swell_."

"I know!" Dan said. "It's like some sort of Dismemberfest reunion out here with special guest star Pinkie Pie!"

"Well, at least Pinkie is making friends." Elise mused sadly.

Dan snickered. "Don't be _too_ sure. She may look happy, but she's _not _having a good time out there." Dan said motioning out to the group by the RV.

"Huh?" Chris said, glancing at the bubbly girl with pink, curly hair. "How can you tell?"

Dan pointed at Pinkie's right hand that she had placed behind her back. Pinkie held it in a claw like manner, the fingers tensed and bent inwards. It seemed to twitch and the fingers would spasm with just about every syllable the three talking to her would utter.

"Oh dear, that can't be good." Elise murmured.

"Yeah, Pinkie does that whenever a guy starts hitting on her, or someone is talking down to her." Dan examined the group in front of him carefully. "By the looks of things, **both** are taking place."

"Wow, it's like she's channeling all her rage and frustration just into that one hand." Chris commented.

"Yep! I call it the 'fury claw'!" Dan replied with a smile. "Soon Pinkie's going to walk over here and tell me how much of a horrible-bad experience this all was…"

-o-

"…._Aaaaaand_ you're all making the face at me people make when I talk about where I'm from, so I'm going to stop talking now." Pinkie said cheerfully.

Don, Elise Sr. and Colby all looked at Pinkie with a concerned and confused expression.

"Oh, hey!" Don said. "It's Junior! Hello Junior!" He called out.

"DON'T CALL ME 'JUNIOR'!" Elise yelled back.

"But, it's your _name_, dear!" Elise Sr. replied.

Don give Pinkie a forced smile. "Well Pinkie, it's been weird, but we should really go talk to our daughter."

Pinkie returned the forced smile. "Don't let me keep you."

"We _won't_." Don said, the smile dropping as he turned towards Elise.

Pinkie sighed.

"Well, looks like it's just you and me." Colby said with a large, sparkling white grin.

Pinkie flinched and looked up at him with a crocked nervous smile. "Would you excuse me? I have to go over there…"Pinkie said motioning towards Dan with her head, "…and _spank _Dan…because of…_reasons_!" She offered, forcing her smile to widen.

Colby's smile remained. "That's alright." He winked. "See you around."

Pinkie turned and clutched her right hand to her chest with her left. "Yeah…sure…"

-o-

"Hello, Junior." Don said happily, followed by a sigh. "Hello Chris."

"Uh…Hi Don…Elise…" Chris offered weekly.

"What are you two doing here?!" Elise demanded.

"Surprise!" Don said with a smile. "We thought it would be fun if we joined you all! The more the merrier, right?"

"Did you _have _to bring Colby?" Elise asked.

"Oh, Junior, you know Colby is like a second son to us!" Elise Sr. answered.

Don paused. "Wait…second?"

Elise Sr. sighed, "Yes, Don. Ben is our son."

"Who?"

"You know, skinny, long haired guy that _lives _with us and plays a lot of video games?" Elise Sr. reminded.

"Oh right!" Don said, raising a palm to his chest and dropping his fist into it with a light 'smack'. "Ken isn't really the camping type." Don explained.

Elise raised an eyebrow, "You mean, 'Ben'."

"Him, too!" Don responded.

-o-

Pinkie quickly walked up to Dan.

"So? Did you have fun?" Dan asked with a knowing grin.

"_No_!" Pinkie exclaimed as she approached. "They're all like…the most self-centered people I've ever met in my _life_! It was _horrible_-bad!" She explained. "And I've met actual evil beings who wanted to capture or kill me and all my friends!" She added. "Oh! Almost forgot."

Pinkie walked up to the side of Dan and began lightly swatting his rear.

"Uhh, What the heck do you think you're doing?!" Dan demanded

'_Swat, swat, swat'_

"I'm _spanking you_, obviously!"

'_Swat, swat, swat'_

"_**Obviously**_!" Dan replied in an irritated tone. "_**Why**_are you spanking me?!"

'_Swat, swat, swat'_

"I told Colby I would to get away from him."

'_Swat, swat, swat'_

Dan sighed. "And this was the best you could come up with?!"

'_Swat, swat, swat'_

"I _panicked_, _**okay**_?!" Pinkie said, gesturing wildly with her free hand.

'_Swat, swat, swat'_

"Could you maybe…stop?" Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

'_Swat, swat, swat'_

"I don't want _him_ to come over and talk to me some more!" Pinkie insisted.

"Oh Pinkie, Dan," Elise Sr. called out, "could you two stop…whatever it is you two are doing and clear out that big snow fort in front of the Cabin? It's going to block our view of the tree line."

"It's a snow _**FORTRESS**_!" Dan insisted.

Pinkie stopped her spanking to give Dan a sly grin.

"What! You had a _tres_ and everything!" Dan said, catching the expression.

Pinkie looked up to Elise Sr. with a smile. "Don't worry, Senior. We'll take care of it!"

"Don't call me '_Senior'_!" Elise Sr. exclaimed, narrowing her eyes.

Elise began laughing. "See! Not so fun, is it?"

"Oh! I can help!" Colby shouted at Pinkie.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Pinkie insisted waving her hands in front of her. "_No_." She added forcefully. "Dan and I will get this cleared out in a jiffy!"

Pinkie turned to Dan and whispered. "I have an idea!" She said with a smile

"Oh?" Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm thinkin'…plan 'E'." Pinkie said with a smile that had suddenly gone rather dark.

An evil grin crept across Dan's face like black smoke slowly wafting into an empty room. "Sounds good to me."

The two made their way to the cabin, Pinkie grabbing her string instrument on the way.

"Well…those two make a _strange_ couple." Elise Sr. stated.

Elise sighed. "They're not quite a _couple_. They seem to be stuck in some sort of bizarre stage between best friends and romance that manifests in some maddening display of property damage and _snuggling_." She stressed with a slight sneer.

"Elise, I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here…" Chris said.

"Whatever, just so long as that pink hussy keeps her hands off Colby…" Don began.

Elise rolled her eyes. "I don't think Colby's her type, dad."

Elise Sr. shot her daughter a look. "Too mentally stable?"

Without warning, the cabin door flew open revealing Pinkie and Dan smiling wide. A lit lighter in Dan's hand, and a lit stick of dynamite in Pinkie's.

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" Pinkie shouted as she tossed the lit explosive into her snow fortress.

Dan quickly closed the cabin door.

'_**KABOOOM'**_

The snow fortress exploded out, covering everyone and everything with a thick layer of snow.

The cabin door slowly opened to the sound of maniacal laughter and loud, happy laughter.

"Hahahahehehe…Sorry!" Pinkie said to the crowd outside. "Nothing like some TNT to break the ice! Hehehehe…Get it?" She asked as she looked across the snow covered group.

The group wiped away snow from their faces to fix Pinkie with a glower.

Pinkie frowned. "Uhhh…I'll just brew us all some nice tea, okay?" She stated. "Come on, Dan."

Dan narrowed his eyes at her. "I hate tea_GHK_." Dan uttered as he found Pinkie pulling him back into the cabin by the collar on his shirt.

"Too bad, you're helping anyway!" She informed, as she closed the cabin door.

Elise looked back to her mom. "Pretty much, yeah."


	41. Chapter 36

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Chapter 36 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Cabin

-ooooo-

"Chris, you _really _need to think these things through." Elise said in an irritated tone as she slowly pulled a rope up.

"Sorry!" Chris said apologetically as he held onto the rope. "But how often do you find cocked bacon just sitting in a hole in the middle of the woods!?"

"_Never_!" Elise replied. She grunted as she pulled her husband's weight out of the deep, vertical hole in the ground.

"Exactly!" Chris responded as he pulled himself up to the surface. "Phew, thanks honey."

Elise sighed.

"So umm…" Chris looked around nervously from side to side. "Do you think that was a trap set by Hiram? Are we in danger?" Chris added as he brought his hands up to his chin and began trembling as his teeth chattered.

"I don't know, Chris." Elise said. "Whoever dug this hole did it a while back, and only recently came in to clear out some snow and place the bacon." She knitted her brow as she thought about this. "Plus, of what little we know about Hiram, I'm not sure a trap falls under his modus operandi."

"Uhh…"

Elise chuckled. "It means, 'method of operation', you big goofball."

Chris grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."

Elise leaned up to give him a quick kiss on the lips. "That's okay, you're _my_ big goofball. And I won't let anything bad happen to you." She assured, gently stroking her husband's cheek.

"Thanks, darling." Chris said. "Say…I know we still have more cameras and stuff to put out, but this whole _hole_ thing has got me worried. Maybe we should head back."

Elise looked at her husband with a smile. "Sure honey. Suddenly I'm a little less worried about what's out here and more worried about what's waiting for us backs at the cabin."

Chris sighed. "You're parents certainly haven't made this an easy vacation."

Elise turned toward into the woods, her eyes following a trail of slightly disturbed snow that headed in the direction of the cabin. She narrowed her eyes. "No." She agreed. "No they haven't."

-ooooo-

"So, what exactly are you two doing…to _my_ cabin." Don asked in a fraternal tone one might use to chastise a child. A large, shovel and a metal rake resting on his shoulder.

Dan and Pinkie crouched around an assortment of wooden figures and totems as Dan chanted in a soft, vowel heavy language.

Dan's chanting ended in an abrupt sighed and he closed the leather bound book he was reading from, he raised to his feet. "I wasn't doing _anything_ to your precious cabin. I _was _blessing this lovely figure Pinkie carved of a Sumerian goddess with a protective prayer and making a food offering, because _some_ of us don't want to be brutally murdered or violated by malicious spirits."

"Goddess?" Don asked. "I thought it was a bear."

"Yeah, I'm not really good at carving…" Pinkie admitted as she sat a rainbow colored cupcake in front of the carving.

"It's _fine_." Dan said, looking at Pinkie. "It's the effort, offering,and_ prayer _that's important." Dan said raising an index finger. Dan turned to Don with a mildly irritated expression. "The prayer I was _attempting_ to read before you interrupted! Do you mind? I don't exactly spend a lot of time speaking Sumerian."

"I _really_ wish you two wouldn't do this. I come back from a hike in the woods and suddenly the amount of kooky things around here has tripled! There's so many crosses, totems, and figures around that the cabin is beginning to look like a knick-knack flea market." Don said.

"_I don't know what's going to attack us_!" Dan insisted throwing his hands up into the air. "And I certainly don't want to protect the cabin against demons only to be attacked by a skin-walker or find out that draugar or evil fairies don't actually care that there are a bunch of crosses all over the place! So I'm hedging my bets!"

"You two really believe in this sort of nonsense?" Don asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I…" Pinkie also rose to her feet and gave Don a surprised look. "You've lived a very sheltered life, haven't you?"

"_Excuse me_ young lady, but I've traveled the world and I've seen plenty." Don stated sternly, leveling an index finger at Pinkie.

"But not undead birds angry because they didn't get a proper burial after a cat mangled them, or a poltergeist that's upset and levitating furniture because the other occupants of the apartment don't want to watch infomercials 24/7?" Pinkie asked with a raised eyebrow.

Dan rubbed his chin and looked up at the sky. "You'd think the ghost of Billy Mays would have a lot more options than our apartment…"

Pinkie turned to Dan and shrugged. "I think he was haunting that case of 'KABOOM' products I picked up…I mean, he seemed to calm down after I gave the bathroom a really good cleaning."

Don cleared his throat.

Dan looked at him. "Are you still here? Look, we won't hurt your cabin, but I only had time to do all the Bible and local Native American…"

"Canadian." Pinkie corrected.

Dan turned to Pinkie. "Well, the continent is _'North America'_ so I think the term still applies." He responded.

Don cleared his throat again, louder this time.

"Uh...where was I?" Dan asked himself, glancing to the side briefly.

"Bible and local Native American stuff." Pinkie reminded while holding up an index finger.

"Right! We only got so much done last night and I have a lot more work to do, so if you don't mind…"

"Alright, Alright!" Don said putting his hands up defensively in front of his chest. "But why did you bring the cat?"

"Merow." Mr. Mumbles replied from the ground of the cabin porch.

"She's the only one of us that can read kanji." Pinkie explained.

Don stared at Pinkie blankly, not sure if that was a joke or not. "Uh…alright. Just clean this stuff up when you leave."

Dan shrugged. "Hey, if you don't want a creepy cabin that's protected from the undead and supernatural evils of the world, that's fine with me."

Pinkie smiled. "The car will be a lot safer on the way home." She pointed out.

"Creepy!" Don said slightly insulted. "The cabin is _charming_."

"Only in a very 'Let's fill this with as much dead animals as possible to make sure it looks just like every other creepy cabin where people get murdered in sort of way.'" Dan replied.

Don's eyes narrowed. "Well if you don't like the decor, you two are welcome to switch bedrooms with Elise and I and share the RV with Colby."

"The only way I'm sharing sleeping quarters with Colby is if I gut him and use his skin and skeletal system to make a tent." Pinkie replied matching Don's expression.

Don's and Dan's expression changed at the morbid comment. Don looked shocked while Dan grinned in grim approval.

"_Hehe_…_Anyways_," Dan continued, "I've just spent the last several hours chanting in long dead languages to protect _this _cabin. If you three want to be our early warning system for hungry zombies or hungry ghosts, that's your business."

"**Don? Are you out there?**" Elise Sr. called out from the cabin.

"**Yes, sweetie**!" Don replied.

"**If you see Pinkie and Dan, tell them dinner's almost ready**!"

Don turned back to Pinkie and Dan and gave an exasperated sigh seeing he wasn't getting anywhere with this conversation. "Dinner is almost ready. So come in…_**or don't!**_ I don't really care." Don added matter-of-factually.

Dan turned to Pinkie. "Wrap up the Sumerian stuff and call it a night?"

Pinkie smiled. "Don't forget we need to leave out a saucer of cream for the pixies~!" Pinkie sang out in response.

"_Never_ forget the pixies!" Dan declared to no one in particular.

"Merow!" Mr. Mumbles replied.

Don sighed, turned, rolled his eyes, and walked away.

Pinkie turned to Dan. "Now, why do you suppose he took a shovel and a rake hiking with him?" She asked, bringing her eyebrows closer slightly.

Dan shrugged. "Who knows, maybe he's just as pedantic about how the woods around the cabin look as he is about the cabin." Dan said in a mildly irritated tone of voice.

"Ooo! You know what's a good word for that! 'Persnickety!'" Pinkie said with a smile. "Speaking of which, let's finish up warding the cabin against persnickety spirits! I'm starving."

Dan nodded. "I hear that. Now where was I..?" Dan asked, as he opened his book and flipped a few pages.

-o-

"You won't _believe_ what those two psychos are doing out there!" Don said to the occupants of the cabin living area as he walked in from the snowy outdoors. The large room consisted of a kitchen area sitting next to a large dining room table with wooden chairs, and a brown couch and loveseat sitting near a fireplace. Trophies of elk and moose heads adorned the walls and a rug that was clearly a bear at one time sat in front of the fireplace.

Colby turned with a smile from the couch.

Elise Sr. turned to Don from in front of the stove in the kitchen, a large pot sitting on it as flames licked the underside, and steamed wafted from the surface.

"Yeah, I've found not believing what Dan and Pinkie do never really changes the fact that they do or did it anyway." Chris stated.

Don jumped slightly and sat the shovel and rake next to the door. He turned to shot Chris a glare as Chris entered the cabin with Elise.

"What _are_ they doing?" Elise Sr. asked as she stirred the pot on the stove.

Don rolled his eyes as he raised his forearms and rotated his hands out palm up. "They seem to think they're protecting the cabin from evil by strewing knick-knacks all about and chanting!"

Elise and Chris blinked with blank expressions in reply as the two made their way to the loveseat by the fireplace.

Elise turned to face her father as she and her husband made their way to the loveseat. "Yeah, they did some of that last night when we got here, too." Elise explained. "So?"

"_**So?!**_" Don replied in surprise. "It's a waste of time! None of the things they talked about protecting the house actually exist!" Don insisted.

"Uhhh…" Chris began as he and his wife sat down on the loveseat that faced away from Don

Elise put a hand on her husband's arm and gave him a warm smile. "I got this, sweetie." She turned back to her father, looking at him from over the back of the loveseat. "From our experience, they probably do." She explained.

"You're joking, Junior…" Elise Sr. replied, as she stirred a large pot sitting on the stove.

Elise shot her mother an annoyed look for calling her 'Junior' but turned to her husband in lieu of responding. "Chris, list off some of the monstrosities you and Dan have dealt with."

Chris raised an eyebrow. "That's a long list."

Elise smiled. "Just stick to the supernatural."

"Hmmm…" Chris thought about this for a moment and extended his arms out, listing ghoulies and spooks on his fingers. "Wolf-man, skeletons, Dan insisted his car was vandalized by the ghost of George Washington, though Elise and I saw nothing conclusive there, a minotaur …a mummy, our boss turned out to be a demon at one point…er…Pinkie and Dan recently bribed me with baked goods so I'd keep the ghost of Billy Mayes company as we watched hours and hours of infomercials…"

"Well, I'm sure you and your _crazy_ friends thought you saw some outlandish…" Don began.

Elise raised her hand, interrupting her father. "I can vouch for the minotaur, also the mummy; I went out to a M'opera with him."

Elise Sr. cocked her head. "What's a M'opera?"

Elise smiled. "It's a Mime Opera!"

Elise Sr. knitted her brow. "Southern California is weird…" She mused.

"He was real and kept hitting on Elise." Chris said.

"I meant the _M'opera_." Elise Sr. qualified.

"That was, sadly, equally as real." Chris replied.

Don raised an eyebrow at his daughter. "You _really_ went out on a date with a mummy?"

Elise smiled and shrugged. "I was just trying to make Chris jealous because he snubbed me for a Dan plot…against said Mummy."

Chris sighed. "I said I was sorry!"

Elise playfully pinched her husband's cheek. "I know you did, snookum." She said lowering her voice slightly and smiling at Chris.

"Am I the only one here who believe those two out there are completely wasting their time?" Don asked irritably.

"_I_ feel safer knowing what's out there and can kill me is at least a shorter list." Chris stated.

Elise looked at her father. "Sorry, Dad. Gonna have to side with my hubby on this one." Elise said smiling at Chris giving his arm a squeeze.

Chris reciprocated with a smile at his wife.

Elise Sr. looked over at her husband and gave him an "Ehhh…" and raised her hand palm face down and rocked it back and forth slightly in a 'sorta' fashion.

"I'm with you, dad!" Colby said enthusiastically from the couch.

"Thanks, son. Team _Real Men _will put up a unified front!" Don declared.

Elise rolled her eyes as the door opened again.

"What's Team _Real Men_?" Pinkie asked as she walked in. Dan emerged behind her, Mr. Mumbles perched on his shoulder.

"Team Real Men apparently means not believing in supernatural things that want to kill you." Chris answered flatly. "Apparently Don and Colby are putting up a unified front on this."

"Yeah, I've found not believing in them doesn't really change the fact they want to eat you." Pinkie answered.

"Hey! This is _great_!" Dan said excitedly. "When a giant monster attacks, Don and Colby can unify themselves in front of us and try to convince the monster it's not real!.. While the sane people run away!" Dan added.

"_Ouch_, sanity questioned by _Dan…_" Pinkie said with a sly smile. "Would you like some ointment?" Pinkie asked Don.

Don's eyes narrowed. "For what?"

"For that burn, it's _gotta_ sting." Pinkie said with a large grin.

Don's expression changed to an angry glare and he quickly closed the distance between him and Pinkie. "This is _my _cabin and I won't be talked to like that by some pink haired _lunatic _who thinks clearing snow away should involve high explosives!"

"I'm sorry, if you don't want me here, maybe you can find a nice _gutter _to drop me off at." Pinkie shot back, her eyes changing to daggers as she closed the distance between her and Don to a few feet.

"Whoa!" Elise said quickly getting up from the loveseat, walking towards the fighting pair, and putting herself in between Pinkie and her father. "Let's just calm down and try to avoid killing each other." Elise gave her father a quick, serious glance. "Please." She added.

Colby began walking closer to the group by the door.

"Yeah," Dan said, "there's probably going to be a crazy serial killer who's going to want to do that, anyways." He chimed in from in front of the door.

Chris cringed.

Elise shot Dan a look. "Not helping, Dan." She turned back to Pinkie. "_Gutter_?"

"Nothing!" Pinkie said sweetly with a smile. A smile that quickly returned to a glare leveraged at Don as Pinkie looked pass Elise, "I mean, nothing _aside _from your father's little joke that I would have been better off in a _gutter_ than staying with Dan."

"Wow, Don." Dan said with a wounded expression. "That hurts my feelings."

Elise turned to her father with a knotted brow. "_DAD_!"

Don put his hands up defensively. "What! I was just joking with her."

"Jokes are things _everyone_ thinks are funny." Pinkie stated. "_Insults_ are things usually only the _teller_ thinks are funny." Pinkie raised her eyebrows slightly. "_Believe me_, a few months living with Dan has really, _really_ helped me tell the difference."

Pinkie felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up into Colby's smiling face. "Now, I'm sure Don didn't mean any…"

"Do you want to _keep_ that hand?" Pinkie asked in a tone laced with venom and promises of appendage removal.

"**Alright everyone**!" Elise Sr. called out. "Stew's ready, so if you'd all kindly calm down, maybe we can get through dinner without blood loss."

The group took a collective calming sigh.

"Junior, please help me set the table."

"DON'T CALL ME JUNIOR!" Elise shouted angrily at her mom.

"It's your _NAME_." Elise Sr. responded.

Elise grumbled. "Fine, _Senior_, let me grab the _cutlery_."

"DON'T CALL ME SENIOR!"

"Junior! Don't talk to your mother that way!" Don ordered.

"Sorry, _dad_, am I disrupting the big 'let's convince our daughter to marry one of her ex's' plan?" Elise responded.

Don and Elise Sr. quickly exchanged a worried look.

"_Finally_! Someone addresses the elephant in the room." Chris said.

"Elephant? Where?" Pinkie looked around from side to side.

"Now, that's hardly fair…" Don began.

Chris rolled his eyes and waved a dismissive hand. "_Please_, I know you two think I'm stupid, but I'd have to be _blind_ to not see what's going on here."

"You tell 'em, Chris!" Pinkie cheered enthusiastically.

Pinkie felt a squeeze on her shoulder. "Now, now. Don and Elise where just being inclusive…" Colby began.

"_Seriously_, let go of me or I _WILL _make sure that hand never touches me again." Pinkie said, shooting a death beam glare up at Colby.

"There you go again with your psycho killer routine!" Don said motioning towards Pinkie. "I can see why you hang out with the _likes_ of Dan."

"Ouch, Don. Just ouch." Dan replied.

"I'm sorry, was that a joke?" Pinkie asked, swatting Colby's hand off of her shoulder, and walking back towards Don. "Was I _not_ supposed to take offence because you were"-Pinkie raised her fingers into air quotes- '_just kidding_'?" Pinkie asked.

"No joke, you're messed up in the head." Don shot back.

"DAD! Leave her _alone_!" Elise shouted.

"Junior! Don't yell at your father!" Elise Sr. ordered.

The occupants of the room quickly devolved into arguing, shooting, and insulting each other.

"_EVERYONE SHUT THE __**HELL**__ UP, __**RIGHT NOW**__!_"

Everyone stopped to stare at the short, red faced man in a black 'JERK' t-shirt.

"Sorry, but everyone's yelling, and it somehow doesn't involve me, and it's _freaking_ me out!" Dan explained.

Pinkie walked over to her roomie. "I'm sorry, Dan. I shouldn't let myself get carried away like that…Here…" Pinkie pulled out a white cake with pink frosting that read 'I'm Sorry'. "Lactose-free, and everything!" She said with a smile.

"…Where did you pull that from?" Don asked staring at the cake.

"I _always _carry an 'I'm sorry' cake with me!" Pinkie responded cheerfully. "And I have 'I'm Sorry' goodie bags for everyone!"

"That…uh…actually raises more questions." Don replied.

Dan smiled and patted Pinkie's arm. "It's okay Pinkie. We can save it for dessert. Why don't you get Mr. Mumbles some food?"

Pinkie smiled. "Okie-dokie-lokie!"

Dan turned to the other occupants of the room. "Now, Elise Sr. spent a really long time cooking, so let's all sit down and enjoy a nice meal before I burn this place down to establish anger dominance." He said with a smile, setting Mr. Mumbles down on the floor.

Mr. Mumbled bounded over to a red, shallow food dish as Pinkie emptied the cylindrical contents of a cat food can into it.

Dan turned to Elise. Sr. "Elise, I will help you set the table." Dan declared, motioning to himself with a hand.

"Uhhh…" Elise Sr. managed a small smile. "Thank you, Dan. That's very thoughtful."

The two walked over to the drawers and cupboards and began fetching plates and flatware.

The rest of the group walked over to the table.

"Did…did Dan just _defuse_ an argument?!" Elise asked her husband in a surprised tone as they sat down at the table.

"It would seem so…" Chris replied in an equally surprised tone. "Puts things into perspective. The sort of perspective that turns your stomach."

Don sat at one end of the table, Pinkie at the other. Pinkie cringed as Colby picked a spot next to her.

Dan and Elise Sr. set the table and Dan sat down next to Pinkie and Chris. Elise Sr. sat down next to her husband and Colby.

The seven enjoyed a quiet and awkward dinner followed by a quiet and awkward dessert, until…

"Not bad for a lactose free cake." Don commented.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at the man sitting on the other end of table from her. "'Not bad'?"

"Well, don't feel bad, but I've been running a successful cupcake company for decades." Don said with a smile.

"_Aah_, an assortment of faux confectionaries complete with fake coloring, no doubt." Pinkie responded in a disinterested tone of voice.

Don knitted his brow. "_Fake_ coloring? Then how did you make the pink on the cake?"

"Raspberry juice." Pinkie responded with a satisfied smile.

Don looked at Dan. "I wasn't aware your roommate was such the naturalist."

Dan shrugged. "Pinkie takes baking very seriously. You're kind of lucky you didn't try to feed her anything you've made. I've seen her chew out a baker for hours over imitation vanilla."

Pinkie giggled. "Hehe…yeaaaaah…good times."

"You're telling me that cupcake I saw outside was made without any dyes?" Don asked surprised.

Pinkie smiled and raised a loose fist and began listing ingredients on her fingers. "Pomegranate juice, turmeric, cabbage juice, spinach, blueberries, and carrot juice."

"Wait…" Dan began stroking his chin. "Those are all fruits and vegetables, does that mean…"

Pinkie grinned wide. "Nopie-dopie-pokie!" Pinkie said to her roommate as she shook her head back and forth.

Dan sighed. "It was worth a shot…"

Pinkie's skin began to crawl and she shuttered from her toes up to her head as she felt a hand on her thigh.

"I'd love to try your cupcakes." Colby said to Pinkie with a wide smile.

Everyone went silent.

"And the award for creepiest pick-up line goes to…" Chris said, motioning to Colby.

Pinkie shot up in her seat. "I'm _going _to _bed_!" She announced, trudging off toward a room in the back of the cabin.

Colby stood up. "I better go with her…"

"The _bed_ that's in _**Dan and my**_ room which is also where the chest full of _**sharp weapons**_ is kept." Pinkie added.

"I should probably stay here." Colby said with a worried expression, sitting back down.

"Hey! I thought that was buried treasure!" Chris exclaimed.

Pinkie turned at the door. "Oh, I'll bury something, alright." She said darkly, narrowing her eyes at Colby. "Oh!" Pinkie smiled. "And by 'something', I meant 'your corpse', and by 'alright' I meant 'in the woods'." She added cheerfully

Colby put his hands up defensively with a nervous smile. "I got it."

"Oh, you're going to _get _it, alright." Pinkie responded grimly, her eye lids lowering until she was looking at Colby with small slits. "Oh!" Pinkie smiled. "And by 'it', I meant 'a terrible chainsaw wound', and by…"

"Uh, Pinkie?" Dan interrupted. "Why, don't you thank Elise Sr. for the meal, and I'll meet up with you shortly."

Pinkie closed her eyes and smiled. "Alright Dan." She looked at Elise Sr. "Thanks for the stew, Elise Sr. It was scrumdiddlyumptios!"

"Uh, you're welcome, Pinkie." Elise Sr. said with a small smile.

"Great." Dan looked at the other occupants of the table. "Now _everyone else_ thank Elise Sr." Dan commanded sternly.

The other people at the table uttered their "Thank you, Elise Sr."s.

Dan nodded with smile. "Good, now everyone thank Pinkie for dessert."

Don began to sigh, but stopped when Dan gave him an icy glare.

Everyone at a table turned to Pinkie and uttered a "Thank you, Pinkie."

"You're all _very _welcome." Pinkie replied. She entered her and Dan's room and closed the door behind her.

"…Maybe I should apologize…" Colby mused.

Dan raised an eyebrow at the muscular, blond haired man. "She's a bit on edge and probably wouldn't think twice about delimbing you at the moment."

"Tomorrow." Colby added hastily.

Chris looked over at Dan. "Thanks for keeping the peace, Dan."

Dan closed his eyes and smiled. "It's what I'm here for."

"Uh…sure." Chris responded.

"Still, it would be nice if that pink haired girl calmed down a bit." Don stated.

Dan stared across the table at Don. "You know she _wanted_ to be your friends the moment she saw you. I'm guessing she'd be a lot nicer if you just apologized."

"Apologize?!" Don exclaimed.

Elise looked across the table to her father. "Dad, we brought her here so she could unwind. I've never known her to lash out at people she's just met without any reason." Elise raised her eyebrows. "I'm _guessing _you all didn't make a very good impression on her when you first met."

"Now, Junior, can you blame us…she is a bit…_off_." Elise Sr. explained.

Elise rolled her eyes at being called Junior, "I can _absolutely_ blame you two!" Elise exclaimed, motioning towards her parents. "You two judge someone before you've even _met_ them and start talking down to them the second you come in contact with them. You've done this with every one of my boyfriend's you've _ever_ met." Elise cocked her head slightly, raised her eyebrows and opened her eyes wide. "Not pleasant." She added.

Chris nodded.

"They never did it with _me_." Colby said proudly.

"_Shhhh_…" Dan said to Colby. "You're more attractive when you don't talk. So, shut up."

"Hey!" Colby protested.

"Colby, please be quiet." Elise Sr. said.

"Yes, mom…" Colby replied sheepishly.

Elise Sr. sighed. "You're right Elise." She said to her daughter. "We could have been nicer to her. Don and I will apologize to her tomorrow, and we'll _all_ get a fresh start."

"We will?" Don asked with a small degree of surprise, turning to his wife.

"Yes, Don, we will." Elise Sr. said sternly.

Don sighed. "Oh all, right."

"Great," Dan exclaimed, "now apologize to me!" He added with a smile.

"WHAT?!" Don exclaimed.

"_Don_?" Elise Sr. said in a warning tone.

"Alright, _I'msorryDan._" Don said, barely audibly.

"I'm sorry, there must be snow in my ears, didn't quite catch that." Dan said, cleaning his ear with a pinkie finger.

Don sighed loudly. "I'm sorry, Dan."

Dan stood up with a smile. "See? Was that so hard?"

"Yes." Don muttered to himself, crossing his arms and glancing to the side.

"Well, my work is done." Dan announced motioning proudly to himself. "Now everyone play nice, or I'll send Pinkie out here with her chainsaw." He added. He motioned towards Mr. Mumbles who was sitting next to her empty food dish.

"Merow!" Mr. Mumbles quickly bounded towards Dan and quickly jumped up his outstretched arm to her favorite perch on his shoulder.

"Is anyone else just a tad disturbed that Dan's the sensible one here?" Chris asked.

Everyone else nodded while Dan walked towards the door to his and Pinkie's room.

Elise shook her head. "It's not going to last."

Dan opened the door.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!" Pinkie cried.

The group at the table turned towards Dan.

"AH!" Dan covered his eyes with a hand. "Wait, Pinkie! Put down the sword. It's me! _I'm sorry_."

"Meow!" Mr. Mumbles cried out in alarm.

"Oh." Pinkie giggled as the sounds of something thin and metal hit the ground was heard. "It's okay, Dan. I thought you were someone else."

A feminine hand with pink nail polish on the nails emerged from the door and grabbed Dan's shirt, dragging him and Mr. Mumbles in. The door quickly shut behind them.

"It's alright Dan," The group continued to listen to the muffled conversation in the room, "you can open your eyes." Pinkie said.

Dan breathed a sigh of relief. "Sorry, didn't mean to_GHAH_! I THOUGHT YOU MEANT YOU'D PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"

Pinkie's giggling was heard again. "_Awwww_…_someone's embarrassed_~." She sang out.

"NO! WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! LET GO OF ME! _GHA_!"

There was a muffled 'thump' heard and more giggling and frustrated growling.

Elise motioned to the door Dan had just been pulled into. "There you go."

Don turned to his daughter. "Are you _sure _those two aren't a _thing_?"

"Well…they're _something_, alright. But probably not the thing you're thinking of." Elise answered.

Don sighed. "Let's just hope they never breed."

"Dad! That's not very nice." Elise responded.

"Speaking of breeding, when are we going to see some Elise Junior Juniors, running around?" Don asked with a smile.

"DAD?! WHAT THE HECK?!" Elise exclaimed.

"And the award for most inappropriate segue goes to…" Chris said, motioning to Don.

Elise sighed. "I'm outie. Goodnight everyone." She walked towards another room in the back.

Colby stood up. "I better go with her…"

"Hey!" Chris protested.

"I _will_ put a bullet in the gut of anyone who isn't my husband who opens this door." Elise said warningly at the group, as she rested a hand on the knob to the aforementioned potential bleeding out before someone could get to the hospital door.

"I should probably stay here." Colby said with a worried expression, sitting back down.

Elise opened the door, entered the room, and closed the door behind her.

Chris looked towards Elise Sr. "Any more stew? I could _really_ go for seconds." He asked with a goofy grin.

Elise Sr. sighed. "Just follow her, you moron."

"Oh, right!" Chris said, standing up and heading towards the door Elise had just entered. He knocked on it. "Hey honey, it's Chris. Please don't shoot me."

The door opened. "Come in, husband whom I love!" The group heard Elise call out.

Chris's face flushed red. "Uh…I think I'm overdressed…" He replied.

A famine hand poked out from the door to claim Chris, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him inside.

"I can fix that." Elise purred before the door closed.

The color drained from Elise Sr. and Don's faces.

"Dear?" Elise Sr. said, turning to Don and quickly standing up. "I think that's our cue to retreat to the RV for the night."

Don also quickly stood up. "Yeah…better part of valor, and all that." He turned to Colby with a glare. "Come along, Colby. I think we three need to have a _little talk_." Don stressed irritably.

Colby frowned and rose to his feet.

-ooooo-

"Nicer?!" A pajama clad Pinkie Pie exclaimed from her spot on the floor, leaning against the bed with a sleeping Mr. Mumbles behind her. A brown, wooden, rustic style, lamp cast a soft glow on her face from atop the nightstand next to her. "After _everything_ they said?!"

A t-shirt and boxer glad Dan held up an index finger from his spot on the floor a few feet away. "Only if they actually apologize in a non-passive aggressive manner. I'll give you _that_ much."

Pinkie sighed. "Oh, alright…you're probably right, Dan. This whole stay _could_ use a bit more friendship and a bit less shoutyness." Pinkie grinned and turned to Dan. "If they _don't _apologize to me properly, we could always use all the gear we brought to give them a little scare!" She said excitedly.

Dan waved his hands out in front of him. "I already tried that with them the _last _time we all went camping. Colby has the strength of ten men!"

Pinkie giggled. "Does he have to call on the power of Greyskull, first?"

Dan grinned. "Nice reference, but we're not putting on masks and arming ourselves. That's how idiots get to the top of the 'to be murdered by the _real _killer' list." Dan explained.

Pinkie paused. "There's a list?"

Dan raised a palm to his face "Of course, there is, _stupid_!"

Pinkie's face changed to a pout. "Sorry Dan, I'm really new to this whole evil spirit and/or serial killer thing."

Dan lowered his hand and sighed. "It's alright, I'll give you a crash course."

"Yay!" Pinkie responded happily, bringing her hands together and resting them on her lap.

"Alright, so out of the seven of us, who do you think is the most likely to be killed first?" Dan asked.

Pinkie thought for a moment. "Colby." She answered. "He's only been in one episode and was briefly mentioned in like…_one_ other."

"Right." Dan replied before he put on a confused expression. "Wait, _what_? No, never mind…" Dan said dismissively. "Who's next on the list."

"Uhhh…Don and Elise Sr." Pinkie answered. "They're not even main characters or anything."

"Alright, just…pushing past the bizarreness of that answer, right again." Dan raised an eyebrow. "Next."

"Chris and Elise." Pinkie said. "They're important, but our names are in the title!" Pinkie reasoned.

"I…erm…okay, right again. We're also the only ones preparing for something." Dan added.

Pinkie smiled. "You do have that whole _genre savvy_ thing going for you."

Dan smiled. "See! You're getting it."

Pinkie smiled. "Thanks Dan." She crossed her hand over her chest a few times and put her palm over her eyes as she declared, "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye that I won't do anything that increased our status on the 'to be murdered' pecking order."

Dan nodded with a smile. "Good."

She yawned. "Sorry. I think all the snowball fighting and creating holy relics to protect us from the damned from every nook and cranny of the world have really taken a lot out of me."

"Don't forget all the arguing and fighting." Dan added.

Pinkie sighed. "I _won't_." She declared.

Dan yawned as well. "Well, it's pretty early for me, but we should try to get some sleep in case something attacks in the middle of the night." He reasoned.

Pinkie stood up with a huge grin and sat down on the bed next to Mr. Mumbles, patting the spot next to her.

Dan rolled his eyes with a smile. "Alright, coming." He sat down next to Pinkie who immediately leaned over to rest her head on his shoulder.

Pinkie turned to face Dan, her big, sky-blue eyes inches from his green ones. "Er…Dan?" She began, fluttering her eyelids. "I know you said you don't like me holding you, but…"

Dan sighed. "Fine! Just don't squeeze too tight."

Pinkie beamed as she gave Dan a hug.

"_GAHK_! Yes, don't do _that_." Dan said over the sound of his bones cracking softly.

"Oops. Sorry Dan." Pinkie said. She reached over to the lamp sitting next to the bed and turned it off.

Blankets rustled in the darkness.

"Also, no snoring in my ears." Dan commanded.

Pinkie giggled. "No promises."

-ooooo-

"Alright, Colby. Would you kindly _explain_ what the **heck** you were doing back there?!" Don demanded from his swivel chair in front of a huge screen embedded in the brown interior of the back of the RV. A number of smaller screens sat near it, and under the screen was a series of dials and a keyboard. On the screen itself, 'Operation get rid of Chris 2' appeared in a large font over a green, 3D, spinning, wireframe of Chris with a large green 'X 'over it.

"Seriously." Elise Sr. said, leaning against the RV wall next to her husband. "I've seen frat boys with more subtlety than you!"

"Well," Don began, "It would be forgivable if it was directed at the _right woman_!" He said, anger starting to creep into his voice.

From the small couch embedded in the wall of the RV, Colby raised his hands defensively. "Sorry, just trying to improvise the plan a little."

"How, exactly, is hitting on that crazy pink haired girl 'improvising'?" Elise asked, furrowing her brow at Colby.

Colby smiled. "I thought I could make Elise jealous. Remind her that a great guy like me won't be available forever."

Don and Elise Sr. looked at each other with contemplative expressions.

"Huh…" Don said, rubbing his chin. "We've never tried that." He looked back at Colby. "But maybe you should save it for a girl who's less likely to blow you up."

Colby sighed. "Yeah… good point. Okay, we'll stick to the plan."

Elise Sr. smiled. "That's the spirit! We just need to get Elise and Chris out into the woods. Separate them, get them lost…"

Don smiled. "The bacon trap I left in the woods should lure Chris right into a hole he can't climb out of, and the tampered with GPS we swapped Elise's for outa get them lost and keep her lost as she goes to find help.

Colby smiled. "Then I find and rescue Elise!"

Don smiled. "Yep! She'll be so grateful and Chris will be so lost…or eaten by wild animals…or dead of exposure, she'll forget all about him and settle down with you!"

Elise Sr. smiled. "Simple, yet brilliant."

"We'll just need to make sure Dan and Pinkie don't mess it up, but I'm sure we can come up with something suitably shiny to distract them with." Don reasoned.

"And everyone is happy!" Colby added. "Well…not Chris…since he'd likely be dead."

Elise Sr. smiled "Alright gang, let's get some sleep. Tomorrow is a big day."

-ooooo-

Night had claimed the forest, enveloping the Cabin, blue sedan, and white RV in a thick blanket of silence and darkness. The trees, structure, and vehicles, and snow only slightly lightened by stars and a half-moon. Shadows of large, triangular shaped trees pointed out from the forest towards the vehicles and cabin like jagged arrows pointing towards a target. A thin, bearded silhouette formed from the shadows and growled deeply as it approached the white RV, and casted even further gloom against the side of it and a window that had its shades drawn closed. The silhouette shrank to the size of an almost rail thin man, darkened against the white side of the RV.

With a roar, the shadow changed and a large axe-shaped emerged from the top of it. In a flash of movement, a metal axe head shattered the silence with the sound of broken glass and startled screaming.


	42. Chapter 37

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Chapter 37 Elise Vs. Elise's Parents (and Hiram, I guess…)

-ooooo-

'_Crash'_

"AHHHH!"

"Colby, what…_OH MY GOD_!"

"WHAT'S GOING…"

"_**I'M GOING TO EAT ALL OF YOU**_!"

Dan grumbled irritably as he was woken by the sound of broken glass, panicked RV occupants, and cannibalistic promises. He tugged at the vice like grip around his chest. "Pinkie, let go. Sounds like we have a situation."

"I heard." Pinkie responded cheerfully. "Could you give me a few more minutes? You're _really_ warm."

Dan sighed as he felt Pinkie's head rub against his back. "No, Pinkie. When whatever is out there is done with them, it's going to come here…maybe…And I'd rather face it armed and wearing pants." Dan explained.

"Clothing is overrated, anyway!" Pinkie argued.

"_Be that as it may_, it's the middle of the night and I'd least like a few minutes to wake up if I have hack someone with a machete!"

Pinkie gave an exasperated "Fine!" and let go of Dan to lean over and turn on the lamp next to the bed.

Dan cringed as the room filled with light.

Pinkie sat up and yawned loudly, stretching her pink pajama clad arms and pink nail polished hands out as far as they would go up and out into the air.

Mr. Mumbles mewed softly and hopped off the bed.

Dan grumpily sat up in bed. "Stupid serial killers and evil monsters always attacking in the middle of the night. Makes me want to physically assault Thursdays." He mumbled.

Pinkie stood up off the bed, lifted an arm straight up into the air, and grabbed her elbow with her hand on the opposite arm. She then switched arms and repeated the process. "Hey Dan, why don't I go grab you a glass of 'Wake up punch'?'"

Dan shimmied over to the side of the bed and hopped off. "Well…I probably won't sleep for the next day or two, but I guess it beats dying horrifically."

Pinkie smiled. "That's the spirit!" Pinkie slipped on some pink slippers and exited the room into the dark living area.

"Oh! Hi, Chris!" Pinkie said to the tall, terrified looking man in blue footie pajamas. "Dan and I were going to wake up a bit before whatever is out is done eating and or dismembering all the people in the RV outside." Pinkie said in her characteristically chipper tone.

Chris walked over to Pinkie and put his large, shaking hands on her shoulders. "Pinkie! I can't find Elise! I think she's out there!"

"Oh, well…that's disconcerting." Pinkie said, her smile dropping. She put a reassuring hand on one of Chris's. "I'm sure she's fine."

"LET GO OF ME, YOU IDIOT!" The two heard Elise call out. "YOU'RE GOING TO GET ALL OF US KILLED."

"Uh…relatively speaking that is." Pinkie said with a nervous smile.

"I have to go out there!" Chris said, letting go of Pinkie and fighting past his obvious terror wracked state to walk towards the door.

Dan emerged from his and Pinkie's room with a yawn, jeans applied to legs, boots applied to feet. "What idiotic thing are you planning on doing?"

"Dan!" Pinkie exclaimed in an alarmed tone. "Elise is out there! Chris wants to rescue her."

The group stopped and listened as the sound of a gun firing shots was heard.

"Yeah, that _is_ pretty idiotic." Dan said.

"_**I**_ want to rescue her, too!" Pinkie added with big, blue, pleading eyes and a quivering lower lip.

Dan sighed. "Alright, get me some punch and something sharp. I guess I'm a moron, too."

"Yay!" Pinkie declared, running off in a pink blur.

Chris's face lit up and his trembling eased a bit. "You two will come with me?"

The call of Elise shouting "…_AND LET'S GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!_" rang from outside.

Pinkie reappeared with her parka over her pajamas, a couple of glasses filled with some dark red semi-viscous, liquid in one hand, a sheathed chainsaw and cricket bat clutched against her torso with her other arm, and a cutlass in her hand. "Of course, silly! Elise is our friend!" Pinkie insisted as she shoved a glass filled with some dark red, viscous liquid in one of Chris's hands and pushed a cricket bat into the other.

"Plus if you two go out there to do something stupid, and I sit here because I think I'll be safer, somehow _I'll_ be the one who gets murdered." Dan sighed out as Pinkie shoved a glass in his hand, and a cutlass in the other.

"What is this?" Chris asked examining his sinister looking semi-liquid in the glass.

"Mostly sugar." Dan replied. "And energy shots." He added.

"Don't forget some delicious fresh squeezed fruit juice for flavor!" Pinkie added cheerfully, as she removed the sheath from her red chainsaw.

"Just drink it, monkey face." Dan ordered. "It will blast our brains with enough caffeine and chemicals that we think running outside in the middle of the night to confront an unknown terror is a lot less suicidal."

Dan and Chris closed their eyes, lifted their glasses, opened their mouths, and poured the red sludge down their throats.

Chris's eyes shot open as the sound of more gunfire was heard, and his black pupils dilated until the turquoise in his eyes had given way to black.

"What?!" Chris exclaimed looking at the new empty glass. "Ooooh yeah, I feel _**great**_!" Chris turned to Dan. "DAN! I'm going out there and I'm going to swing this bat at the first dangerous thing I see, and by the way, I feel _**GREAT**_!"

"CHRIS!" Dan replied, his eyes having similarly morphed as sugar, chemicals, and caffeine coursed through his bloodstream. "You're a _great_ guy with _great_ skills and you're going to do _**GREAT**_! What the _hell_, I'm coming with you!"

Pinkie gleefully raised the red, boxy chainsaw towards her face, placed her teeth around the starter grip, and quickly pulled the chainsaw away from her with both hands as she jerked her head back.

The saw chain started rotating as the chainsaw roared to life with a loud _'BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrNnnNNNnNNNN'_.

"**Alright, everyone! Let's dare to be stupid**!" Pinkie shouted over the sound of her chainsaw.

Dan and Chris howled excited sounding war cries as Chris led the charge towards the cabin door.

o

'_Crash'_

The glass window exploded inward as a metal axe head easily moved through the brittle material.

"_AHHHH_!" Colby Screamed as the window above the couch he was sleeping on shattered, covering his burgundy blanket with tiny, jewel sized shards of glass.

Elise Sr. shot up in the bed at the back of the RV. "Colby, what…_OH MY GOD_!" She exclaimed, as a gaunt, emaciated face framed by a wild, unkempt beard emerged through the window.

Don, likewise, shot up in bed and ripped a black eye mask off his face. "WHAT'S GOING…"

"_**I'M GOING TO EAT ALL OF YOU**_!" The crazed man roared into the cabin, his beady, crazed, glowing eyes darting back and forth over the occupants of the RV. A skeletal hand wrapped in tight skin with long, broken and twisted nails swiftly emerged from the shattered window and clutched at Colby's chest, grabbing a fist full of blanket and pajamas underneath.

Colby made a startled gasp and attempted to rip the hand from his chest. Much to his surprise, he found he was dealing with someone stronger than him and the hand held fast.

A second claw like hand emerged from the window, pushing through safety glass as if it was as thin and brittle as taunt rice paper, and grabbed hold of the window frame as red blood trickled from the hand against the brown interior of the RV. The face began to pull forward and the mouth of the bony face opened revealing a mouth full of pointed teeth, and a long tongue that lapped out hungrily as the body of the man inched forward towards Colby's panicked face.

"No…" Elise Sr. whispered, her husband and her frozen in fear at the sight only a few yards in front of them.

Through the pale moonlight that shone into the camper, a shadow flickered from a corner of the RV. A combat boot flew into the light at an incredibly speed and intercepted the face of the starved looking man.

With an angry roar, the bearded man fell back outside as he lost his grip on both victim and window frame.

"Junior?!" Don exclaimed.

"Dad! Mom! Get out of here!" Elise responded, revealing herself in her full, belted, and combat duded glory.

Colby threw off the blanket that was covering him, leapt to his blue, footie pajama clad feet and, wrapped his arms around Elise, dragging her towards the back of the camper. "Elise! What are you doing here?! It's not safe!"

"I'm _saving _you! Let go, moron! We should all be running towards the _**exits**_ _that are on the other side of the RV_!" Elise shouted.

Don and Elise Sr. sat up out of bed. Don quickly put some boots on over his white and red pinstriped pajama bottoms that complimented his pajama shirt. Elise Sr. put her ugg boots on over her bare feet that sat under a white, silk nightgown. The two quickly grabbed coats hanging on the wall next to them and threw them on.

"Son, you better listen to her!" Don said.

With an inhuman growl, Hiram's hungry face remerged in the broken window, and his hands flew out to grasp the frames once more, more glass quickly gave way under his thin, gaunt hands.

"LET GO OF ME, YOU IDIOT!" Elise screamed at Colby. "YOU'RE GOING TO GET ALL OF US KILLED."

"No, Elise! I can't let you face that monst_**OUCH**_!" Colby cried out as the heel of a black combat boot dug into his foot. He let go off Elise and stumbled backwards slightly.

In a swift movement, Elise rose both her hands. Her left fist and swung it behind her, it collided with Colby's nose and an audible '_Crack'_. Her right hand held a boxy pistol that she leveled at Hiram's face.

Hiram paused as he saw the weapon pointed directly at him and looked up at Elise with hungry, piercing, glowing eyes.

Elise paused as well. She stared into the face of her target. With a frustrated growl, she lowered the weapon slightly and let loose a series of shots into the vehicles wall, under Hiram's face.

Hiram shrieked in pain and fell to the ground.

"Did…did you get him?" Elise Sr. choked out.

A low growl was heard from the ground.

"_Apparently_ _not enough_! Grab that useless idiot clutching at his nose on the ground AND LET'S GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!"

Don and Elise Sr. bent down and pulled up an arm of Colby each who merely moaned in reply. The two draped Colby across their shoulders, rose to their feet, and carried Colby with them towards the front of the RV.

Elise quickly made her way to the side door, and quickly threw it open. She peaked outside, gun at the ready, pointed at where she thought Hiram would be.

A bloody patch of disturbed snow was all she found sitting under the broken RV window.

Elise turned back into the RV. "Dad, Mom! Go out the front of the RV and _run_!"

Elise Sr. and Don made their way past their daughter as Elise tentatively stepped onto the two metal steps that lead to the snowy ground. She jumped off the bottom step and spun her body so she faced the RV, eye and gun leveled at the dark underside.

Don opened the passenger side door to the RV and he, Colby, and Elise Sr. exited the vehicle.

Elise turned to them. "Go! I'll cover _USSAAAH_!"

Clawed hands reached out and grabbed Elise by the ankles, they pulled her feet into the void of the underside of the RV.

"Junior!" Elise Sr. and Don cried in alarm.

Elise lowered her gun until the bottom of the grip was resting on her stomach and fired into the darkness. An inhuman sounding howl roared out and the vice like grip on her ankles subsided. Elise kicked her way free and rose to her feet.

Elise turned to her parents. "RUN!"

The two broke for the cabin as fast as they could holding the injured man between the,.

Elise quickly overtook them, and ran up the steps to the cabin porch.

She turned and pointed her gun out towards the RV, her eyes searching for any sign of movement.

She flinched as she heard the sound of a chainsaw coming to life from inside the cabin, and threw open the door.

'_THUD'_

"Pinkie! Wait!" Elise pleaded.

_Wait…what did the door just hit?_

*o

"**Alright, everyone! Let's dare to be stupid**!" Pinkie shouted over the sound of her chainsaw.

Dan and Chris howled excited sounding war cries as Chris led the charge to the cabin door.

'_THUD'_

The door flew open and smashed into Chris charging bulk who collapsed in a heap on the ground.

Dan and Pinkie paused as they stared at the very much alive Elise.

"Elise!" Pinkie exclaimed, releasing her grip on the chainsaw throttle. It quickly quieted down as Pinkie sat it on the ground. "You're alright!" Pinkie exclaimed excitedly, running over to Elise and giving the maroon haired girl a big hug.

"Hi, Pinkie!" Elise said with a smile, returning the hug with one hand as she kept her gun pointed outside.

Elise Sr. and Don quickly entered the cabin, dragging Colby with them.

"Oh, and everyone else is alright, too." Pinkie mused. She sighed. "Oh well, life is not perfect."

"Colby looks like whatever is out there did a number on him." Dan mentioned with a joyful grin; caffeine, sugar, and chemicals coursing through his veins. "I guess that's something."

Elise quickly shut the door and peaked edged towards a window, moving the curtains out of the way and peaking outside. "Actually, I did that."

Pinkie's face lit up. "Awesome!"

"Where's Chris?!" Elise said turning into the room and looking about frantically.

"Hi, honey…" a week voice called out from the floor.

"Chris! I'm _so _sorry!" Elise quickly lowered herself to the ground and helped her husband to his feet.

"It's okay…" Chris dizzily offered. "We were going to rescue you! Both of you!" He added his head and eyes wobbling loosely.

Dan held out a thumbs up. "And here you are! Mission accomplished, Team Stupid!" Dan said happily.

"Hurray!" Pinkie exclaimed excitedly throwing her arms up victoriously.

"Hurraya_ya_ya_ya_…" Chris added woozily.

Elise Sr. and Don deposited Colby on the loveseat.

"Oooo!" Chris and Colby have the same pajamas!" Pinkie giggled. "They're twins!"

"And they both are sporting painful looking head wounds!" Dan added cheerily.

Don sniffed the air, and leveled a glare at Pinkie Pie as he pointed towards the chainsaw. "Don't tell me you started that thing _inside_!" He exclaimed with hints of anger creeping into his voice.

"_Excuse me?!_" Pinkie exclaimed as her eyes went wide and she stared back at Don. "The three of us were going to run out there to face that thing and you're concerned because a little gasoline smell?!"

"It might take _weeks_ to get the smell out of the drapes!" Elise Sr. whined.

"_**UUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG**_!" Pinkie exclaimed to the ceiling as she threw her head back and her arms out. She lowered her head to look back at Don, Elise Sr. and Colby. "That is _IT_! No more Ms. Nice Pony! You three are the most self-centered, _egotistical_, _**insufferable **_people I have ever had the displeasure of meeting** in my life**!"

Don began to close the distance between him and Pinkie. "Now, listen here, you pink haired _**FREAK**_, I've put up with an awf_**GHK**_!" Don found himself interrupted as the air was knocked out of his lungs. Courtesy of a feminine hand that punched at full strength into his diaphragm. He collapsed to his knees as one of his hands stopped his descent and wheezed as he covered his stomach with his free arm.

Pinkie's, Chris's, and Dan's jaws dropped and hung open as they looked at Elise who had quickly ran to intercept her father and deliver a painful looking blow into his belly.

"Junior!" Elise Sr. called out in surprise. "What are you doing!?"

"DON'T CALL ME JUNIOR!" Elise roared at her mother.

She leaned down and grabbed her father by his pinstriped pajama collar and locked violet eyes with his. "OPERATION GET RID OF CHRIS _**TWO**_?!" She screamed. "WHAT, PRAY TELL, WAS OPERATION GET RID OF CHRIS _**ONE**_?!"

Dan raised his hand excitedly. "Ooooo! Ooooo! I know! I know! They wanted to capture Chris and ship him off to a ball-bearing factory so you'd forget about him and marry Colby!" He explained.

"_**WHAT**_?!" Elise screamed.

"And that's how I saved Christmas!" Dan exclaimed, a huge mad grin plastered on his face. "Or ended up in Siberia…I keep mixing those two up…"

Pinkie glanced at her sugar and caffeine high roommate, then looked at Chris. She pointed to Dan with her thumb. "Is this what I'm like?" She asked.

Chris nodded as the room and its occupants slowly came into focus. "Like…all the time."

Pinkie grinned, hints of pensiveness hiding in the corners of her smile. "Uh, Dan? Let's get some relaxing herbal tea in you. I think I may have over punched you." Pinkie began walking towards the kitchen area.

"Yay! Tea is _**Awesoooome~!**_" Dan sang, bounding over to the stove.

Colby spoke up from his spot on the loveseat. "Now, Elise, your mom and dad just want what's best for you."

Elise Sr. and Don nodded in agreement.

"STOW THAT LINE OF NONSENSE THE THREE OF YOU!" Elise roared. "PINKIE'S RIGHT! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME AT _ALL_, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!" She brought her father forcefully to his feet and locked eyes with him once more. "You don't even remember you have a _**son **_half the time!" Elise said accusingly as she held onto her father's shirt.

"Of course I do!" Don said with a hurt expression. "He's sitting right in front of the fireplace."

Elise snarled and raised her knee into her father's stomach, he collapsed to the ground once again as Elise fell on him and began raining blows on him.

"Dad!" Colby said raising to his feet and running over.

Pinkie quickly bounded over from the kitchen and placed a pink pajama clad leg in Colby's path.

Colby's ankle ran into Pinkie's leg and he went flailing towards the hardwood floor, landing nose first on the ground with a 'crack'.

"Whoops! Silly me." Pinkie said giggling to herself.

Colby merely moaned in reply.

"Junior…_**Elise**_! Stop that! That's your father!" Elise Sr. called out in an alarmed tone.

Elise looked up from her pummeling long enough to shoot eyes full of angry laser beams at her mother and announced. "YOU'RE NEXT!" She quickly looked back down and continued her unrelenting attack.

Elise Sr. looked at the trio of still standing cabin occupants. "Don't just stand there! DO SOMETHING!" She added.

"I AM doing something!" Pinkie responded. "I'm making tea!" She said with a smile.

On cue, the kettle began to whistle. "Oh! There we go!" Pinkie turned and walked back into the kitchen area.

Dan and Chris exchanged glances and shrugs.

"I think she wants us to help Elise!" Dan offered with a smile.

"Uhhh…" Chris began, "I think Elise is doing _just fine_ on her own."

Dan jumped up and down excitedly as he clapped his hands. "Ooooo! Ooooo! Maybe she wants us to offer moral support to her daughter!"

Chris smiled. "Works for me!" He turned to his wife. "Go Elise! Beat him senseless! Remember that he tried to trap me in a hole and exile me to another country!" He shouted at his wife.

"ERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Elise roared.

Don covered his face and chest with his arms as his daughter redoubled her efforts.

Elise Sr. piped up, "That's not…"

"GO! Elise! Remember all the activities they forced you into!" Dan shouted. "Remember how they never let you go into dancing!"

Elise screamed with primal rage and continued assaulting her father.

Pinkie bounded over to Dan and Chris. "Ooooo! Ooooo! What are we doing now?"

Dan turned to Pinkie. "We're giving Elise reasons to continue pummeling her father! Come on! It's fun!" He answered in a chipper tone.

"Ooooooooooo! Neato-torpedo!" Pinkie responded excitedly. She turned to Elise. "Remember how your dad called me a lunatic, freak, and all _**kinds**_ of nasty names!"

Elise moved her father's hands away from his face and grabbed the sides of his head, raising it slightly so she was starting into his frightened eyes with her violet, rage filled, remorseless ones. "I'm going to smash your head against the floor until _candy_ comes out!" She announced grimly.

Don gulped.

"Elise!" Elise Sr. pleaded. "Please! Stop!"

Elise looked up at her mother. "No! Not this time, you've _**both**_ gone too far!"

Elise Sr. looked over towards Dan, Chris, and Pinkie once more. "Please! You have to help Don."

The three looked at each other with blank expressions. They turned back to Elise Sr.

"Erm…why?" Pinkie asked in a mildly confused tone.

"Yeah, sorry, I think I have to draw the line somewhere." Chris explained. "And I think attempted exile and murder is a pretty good place."

Dan smiled and raised his hands in a shrug. "And I'm simply completely apathetic!"

"Uhhh…why…why..." Elise Sr. muttered. She glanced to the animal head trophy adorned wall as if one of the heads would speak an answer to her. Suddenly, she snapped a finger and turned back to the trio. "Because there's probably still an axe murderer outside and we're going to need to work together if we want to survive!"

Elise paused as she held a fist up parallel to her head, ready to punch her Dad's face into the floor. "Ooops."

Dan, Chris, and Pinkie all exchanged glances and shrugged.

"Are these three still top of the 'to be murdered' list?" Pinkie asked Dan.

"With all the stunts they pulled?" Dan exclaimed. "It's absatoovely, positively, amazinglyly that they're even still alivee!" He said with a huge smile.

Pinkie shrugged. "Works for me!"

Elise took a calming breath and helped her father to his feet.

Don grimaced and held his bruised and battered torso. "When this is over, we're going to have a long talk." He said to his daughter.

Elise raised an eyebrow. "Like how I downloaded years' worth of incriminating evidence to a flash drive and will probably only have long talks with any of you through a prison phone, if at all?"

Don and Elise Sr. exchanged worried expressions.

Don's expression suddenly brightened. "You know what? Maybe now is a good time to bury the hatchet." Don turned to Chris and opened his arms wide. "C'mere, son! Give your dad a hug!"

Chris grinned darkly and walked over towards Don, wrapping his arms around the older man's injured torso and squeezing tightly. "I'll get you for this." Chris whispered.

"Uh, Chris? You're squeezing me too hard." Don said through the shooting pain in his ribs.

Chris responded by tightening his grip.

"Speaking of Hatchets," Dan began, "Let's see what ye ol' axe murder is up to!"

"Nice segue." Pinkie said with a smile holding out a fist.

"Thanks!" Dan replied happily, bumping his roomies fist with his own.

"Tra la la la la la la." Dan sang as he bounded over to the window.

The group collectively raised their eyebrows at Dan's behavior.

Chris let Don go and he and his wife meekly made their way to the couch and sat down.

"Oh! Tea!" Pinkie said, holding a palm up to her chest and dropping a fist into it. "Tra la la la la la la." she sang as she bounded over to a set of steaming cups on the kitchen counter.

Dan walked up to the center of the curtains and happily threw them open. His smile quickly abandoned his face as surprise took over. "DUCK!" He called out, dropping to the floor.

Everyone complied with the exception of Pinkie, who turned away from the kitchen, mugs of steaming tea in her hands.

"Duck? Where?" She asked, looking from side to side.

'_Crash'_

A wood chopping axe flew thru the window and spun through the air on a collision course for Pinkie's head.

'_THONK'_

Dan looked up towards his roommate. "Pinkie!" He yelled out in alarm.

"_EEEEEAP_!" Pinkie said as she crossed her eyes, examining the wooden axe handle in front of her face, managing to still hold onto several mugs of tea by their handles. She followed the handle up with her eyes, craning her head back until she was staring at the metal axe head which had lodged itself and a sizable amount of her pink curls in the cupboard over the stove. She looked over at Dan with a nervous smile. "Uh, Dan? Be a dear and help me out here. I'm quite stuck." She informed.

Dan ran over to his roommate, and gripped the axe. He pulled back and the axe gave up its hold on hair and cupboard. Dan fell backwards, crashing towards the floor holding the axe.

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Dan…_Wait_! Where are you going?!" Pinkie called as Dan rose to his feet and sprinted to the shattered window.

"HEY, SKINNY! YOU DROPPED SOMETHING!" Dan shouted, flinging the axe and flicking his wrist as he threw it, putting a nice spin on it.

The axe whizzed through the air and came to a sudden stop in Hiram's chest.

"Nice throw, Dan!" Elise exclaimed.

Dan smiled. "It's _all_ in the wrist!" He announced proudly, raising his hand and flicking it out quickly.

Hiram merely grunted in replied, removed the axe from his chest, and readied it for another throw.

"DAN! Duck!" Elise called out. Dan turned and his eyes went wide has he dove for cover behind the window, the blade of the axe narrowly missing his head by a hairs width.

'_THONK'_

"EEEEEAP!" Pinkie said as she crossed her eyes, examining the now familiar wooden axe handle in front of her face. Her eyes narrowed. "Why is it always me?!"

"Don't worry, Pinkie! I'll help!" Dan announced. He ran over to his roommate, and gripped the axe. He pulled back and the axe gave up its hold on hair and cupboard. Dan fell backwards, crashing towards the floor holding the axe.

Pinkie breathed another sigh of relief. "Thanks, Dan…NO! STOP!" She cried, as Dan once again sprinted towards the broken window.

"HEY, MANGY BEARD! YOU DROPPED…" Dan felt a hand on the axe and looked up to see Chris holding the handle.

"Dan, stop giving the maniac back his axe!" Chris exclaimed in a panicked tone.

"Oh…right." Dan replied.

"_I can smell your fear_!" Hiram replied eerily from in front of the cabin porch, his eyes glowing in the darkness of the cold, cold night.

Dan looked out the broken window and rubbed his chin as Pinkie walked up and held a hand with two cups of steaming tea in front of him.

"Thank you, bestest best buddy!" Dan said with a smile as he took one of the mugs.

"You're welcome, bestest best buddy!" Pinkie replied, mirroring the smile. She handed Chris the other mug of tea in her hand and looked outside. "Are his eyes glowing…is he licking the air with a giant tongue?" She asked knitting her brow as she examined the rail thin man outside.

Dan sipped his tea and looked back to Hiram who had begun sticking his hands on open air and licking it on a plane parallel to his palms; like a mime might do if it was trapped in a particularly tasty invisible box. A tattered and shredded light brown shirt hung loosely off Hiram's shoulders. Equally tattered and shredded trousers dangled loosely around Hiram's waist and legs, held up only by a pair of suspenders.

"He's possessed." Dan murmured.

Pinkie's face lit up. "Really! So all those charms outside are keeping him from entering the cabin?!" She asked excitedly.

Dan held up a palm towards Pinkie. "Yeppers!" He announced proudly.

Pinkie and Dan exchanged an enthusiastic high-five with each other.

"HA!" Pinkie turned to Don. "In your _face_, Don."

Don sighed loudly. "He's not possessed! He's probably just hopped up on a PCP or something." He announced as he flung his arms out and looked towards the ceiling.

"Right, because PCP would _totally_ make your eyes glow in the dark." Chris responded rolling his eyes.

Pinkie handed Elise a cup of tea, leaving Pinkie with a final mug for herself.

Colby finally rose to his feet, a red stream of blood caked around his nose. "This is ridiculous!" He announced. "We'll all cowering in fear over one unarmed, starving man."

Elise, Dan, Pinkie, and Chris all exchanged glances with each other as Elise Sr. got up and walked to the kitchen, grabbing some paper towels and wetting a few.

"We're not cowering." Dan protested. "We're just prioritizing watching Elise beating the snot out of her dad, drinking tea, and figuring out what that thingy out there is before we do something stupid…" Dan glanced up for a second, then back at Colby. "…again."

Pinkie looked over Colby, Don, and Elise Sr. "Do you three want tea? I made enough for everyone whether they deserve it or not." She explained.

"It's _just _some drug fueled crazy who apparently hasn't eaten in weeks!" Colby insisted as Elise Sr. handed him some damp paper towels to clean his face with. "I've wrestled a 300 pound gorilla! I bet I can take that guy out in a matter of seconds!"

Pinkie sipped her tea. "Colby, I _really_ think you should calm down and have some nice, herbal tea." Pinkie smiled. "It's _chamomile~_!" She sang out.

Elise crossed her arms and rolled her eyes at Colby. "Colby, sit down." Elise instructed. "We just need to figure this out before anyone runs out to do something moronic."

"No, Elise! A **real** man _acts_, a **real** man _takes charge_, a **real **man faces danger _head on_!" Colby retorted dramatically.

"Do real men, wear dorky looking footy pajamas?" Dan asked. "Because there's two guys wearing those in here." Dan pointed out.

Colby looked at Dan with a fiery determination. "These are the trappings of a _man_! And I've earned them through my many, _manly_ exploits! Unlike some people who are also in here and named Chris!"

"Heeey!" Chris protested.

"Elise, just let him go." Pinkie said, putting a hand on her friend's shoulder. "Claiming footy pajamas are some sort of symbol of manly pride is going to make for some _hilarious_ last words." She added with a grin.

Elise pondered this for a second.

Colby went up to Elise and lifted her chin, so she was looking up into his sky-blue eyes with her violet ones. "Elise, I _need _to protect you, because you can't protect yourself. It's far too dangerous for you to go out there. You would get hurt, or worse. Without me, you don't stand a chance of making it."

Elise's eyes went wide. "You know what, Colby? You're right! Go out there and show that maniac what for." She said, faking a huge smile as she swung in enthusiastic fist in front of her chest.

Colby smiled and nodded as he headed for the door.

"Kick his ass, son!" Elise Sr. called out.

"You bet, mom!" Colby responded.

"Show him what team _Real Man_ is made of!"

"Of course, dad!" Colby turned and gave his dad a huge smile, of glinting white teeth and a thumbs up before turning towards the door once more.

Pinkie turned to Don. "I betcha one hundred dollars Colby is a corpse within 30 seconds."

Don's eye's narrowed. "You're on, crazy."

Colby threw open the door to the cabin, and resolutely made his way onto the porch and down the steps. Footy pajamas stomping powerfully against the wood.

The occupants of the cabin walked towards the shattered window to watch the fight unfold.

Hiram paused and shuffled over in front of Colby at the base of the cabin stairs.

Colby stood tall at the top of the porch.

"Alright, killer! You've terrorized Don, Elise Sr. her daughter, and _me_!" Colby cried. "Let's _end this_!"

"Hey! What are we? Chopped liver?" Dan cried.

Hiram began a low, growl as he regarded Colby with his glowing, feral eyes.

"Taste the power of a _real man_!" Colby cried as he cleared the first three cabin stairs in two giant steps and threw his weight into a punch that collided solidly with Hiram's face and left the haggard and hungry axe murderer…

…

…angrier.

Hiram grabbed Colby's still outstretched arm in his claw like hands and flung the muscular blond man over his head.

The next thing Colby felt was the bone chilling cold of the night as he flew through the sky briefly, followed by the loosely packed snow, then the hard ground under it. Next thing he knew, sharp teeth sunk into his throat and came back up with a substantial chunk of it.

"COLBY!" Elise Sr. and Don cried out in a terrified tone.

Elise Sr. buried her face in her husband's chest.

Chris cringed and closed his eyes.

Elise watched with an almost detached look on her face.

"He tasted the power, alright." Dan said as he sipped his tea.

"HA! Good one!" Pinkie replied, holding out her palm at face level.

Dan smiled and gave his roommate another high five.

"This is _great_ tea, by the way! Very relaxing." Dan said with a content smile.

"Thank you, Dan!" Pinkie said, closing her eyes and smiling. She turned to Don. "Alright, pay up."

Don glared at her. "We don't know if he's dead, yet!" He argued.

"Right, because people often survive having their throat ripped out." Dan said flatly.

"Really?" Pinkie asked with a raised eyebrow.

Dan sipped his tea. "No, not at all."

"Shhhhhh!" Elise shushed the group as she looked over at Hiram. "Something's happening."

Hiram inhaled deep breaths more animal than human. Thin, brown fur began to grow on his face and hands as his body expanded outward in all directions, destroying his already ragged shirt as the suspenders snapped from the stress of being over stretched. Soon the body of an emaciated man was replaced with that of a thin, towering beast with a face like a bearded skull wrapped in tight, leathery skin and a giant mouth full of razor sharp teeth; and hands of long, slender claw like fingers that ended in several inch long, jagged nails. The arms and legs of the monster resembled something closer to bumpy, fleshy poles, attached to a thin fur and tight skin covered ribcage. The tattered brown pants remained, but now hanged loose from the creature's thin waist. It stood on huge, flat reptilian looking feet.

The creature looked at the occupants of the cabin and gave a piercing howl that sent terror into the very souls of Don and Elise Sr.

"Oh, that can't be good." Chris muttered.

Elise looked over to her husband and then past him to Dan and Pinkie. "You three are taking this remarkably well."

"I think I'm still riding a crazy caffeine and sugar high." Chris explained turning to his wife. Though, the terror on his face showed he was not completely unfazed.

"You should drink some tea, buddy." Dan said with a smile. "It's soothing."

Chris brought the shaky mug of tea to his lips and sipped it. Suddenly his demeanor changed as his face and body relaxed. "Hmmm…that _is_ soothing!"

Elise looked at Pinkie. "Let me guess, 'tea'?" She asked.

Pinkie smiled. "Nope! Creepy howls can't hurt us Elise! It's what's _making_ the creepy howls that could potentially rip us all limb from limb!" Pinkie explained joyfully.

Elise took a sip as the monster started frustratingly growling and clawing at open air inches from the cabin. "This is _really_ good, Pinkie!" She announced with a smile.

Pinkie beamed. She looked over at the cowering couple at the end of the group. "Are you two sure you don't want any tea?"

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Don shrieked.

"Fine. No tea for you." Pinkie said.

With a final frustrated growl, the monster turned back to the body of Colby. Swept it into its rail like arms and fingers, raised it to its razor sharp teeth, and began tearing at pajamas and flesh at it consumed the limp corpse.

"Yep." Chris began. "Gonna have nightmares of this for months and months to come." He declared, calmly taking another sip of tea.

Dan and Elise examined the beast carefully in-between sips of tea. Slowly, a smile spread across both their faces.

"Wendigo." They said in unison.


	43. Chapter 38

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Chapter 38 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Wendigo

-ooooo-

"Windigo?" Pinkie asked, staring out at the towering creature as it feasted on what was once Colby. "That's not a Windigo!" She insisted.

"It's a giant, emaciated looking creature that possess and eats people!" Dan said motioning out to the emaciated looking creature which had possess someone and was now eating someone else. "What else _could_ it be?!"

"But…" Pinkie stared at the second and looked back at Dan. "Windigos are like…snowy ghost horses that cover everything in ice."

"…What?" Dan replied with a confused look. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" Dan stated.

"I thought Wendigos were, like, vengeful spirits that were mad at global warming." Elise Sr. stated.

"Okay, now _**that's **_the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Dan said, his eyes narrowing slightly as he turned to point at Elise Sr.

"Wait…" Chris began. "If it's a Wendigo, do you think it's mad because Don purchased this cabin when it was originally the inheritance to a daughter, but her brother really wanted it, but the daughter sold it to Don instead?" Chris asked.

"Did…did you three all _plan _to out moron each other?!" Dan asked throwing his hands into the air in an exasperated manner.

"No!" Pinkie insisted. "Windigos are these bunch of ghosty horsies that show up when poni…I mean _**people **_can't get along and they make it snow and slowly freeze everyone to death." She explained.

Dan sighed. "Okay Pinkie, you win. Your idea is by _far_ the worse. _Congratulations_!"

"Yay!" Pinkie said enthusiastically, clapping her hands together. "What do I win?!" She asked with a big grin.

"You win _shut up_." Dan answered.

Pinkie's smile was quickly replaced by a pout.

"Guys, that's _totally_ a Wendigo." Elise insisted. "I've read about them." She continued to sip her tea and stare at the grisly display of a giant monster ripping Colby's lifeless body limb from limb and stripping the flesh from his bones. "Thank goodness its pants stayed on." Elise added.

Dan turned to her. "I know right? We could have beholden something truly terrifying."

"Yeah, no kidding." Elise said sipping her tea as blood sprayed onto the cabin porch.

"It's _**EATING**_ Colby!" Don stated angrily as he motioned out to the beast. "What could be more terrifying than that?!"

"It could be naked." Dan responded, holding up an index finger.

One of Chris's eye's twitched. "_Ew_…"

Pinkie wrapped her arms around herself and shuttered. "Yeah, that would be _way_ too much beholdening for me!" She insisted.

"Look! Do any of you _care_ that a brave man was just killed?!" Don demanded.

"Kay-air?" Dan said, trying to process the foreign sounding word.

"That thing you feel about Pinkie and Mr. Mumbles…and occasionally me." Chris said.

"Oh…well…" Dan thought about this for a moment. "Colby was dreamy, but somehow dumber than all three of you…so 'no'."

"Also, he wasn't so much 'brave' as incredibly stupid." Pinkie said.

"Don't forget, 'sexist'." Elise added.

Pinkie nodded. "That, too. But I mean, we were all going to run out there at one point. Colby was told he shouldn't and did it anyway."

"Juni…_Elise_." Elise Sr. began. "You must have felt _something _for the man."

Elise raised an eyebrow. "You mean besides absolute contempt that he was an accessory to attempted murder of my husband?"

Elise Sr. threw her hands out and turned palms and eyes towards the ceiling, "Oh sure, you bring _that_ up!"

"Mom, Colby was an egotistical jerk when I dated him and an even worse egotistical jerk when he became accomplished! Why do you think I broke up with him?"

Elise Sr. and Don looked at each other. "We assumed you did it to irritate us, honestly." Don stated.

"_**Seriously**_?! Even my breaking up with someone has to be about you two?!" Elise exclaimed in a shocked tone.

"Wow…you two have _perfected _being terrible…" Pinkie stated.

"I think even I'm appalled!" Dan stated. "And I once set Pinkie's photo album on fire in front of her just because she painted and bedazzled my car."

"Aww…" Pinkie smiled and put a hand on Dan's shoulder. "But you made up for it."

"You also almost killed me in mortal combat." Chris reminded, irritably.

"What!" Dan protested. "I stopped!"

Pinkie put an index finger up to her chin. "Which technically places you above Elise's parents."

Elise Sr. and Don looked at each other contemplatively and looked back at their daughter.

"Elise," Elise Sr. began, "is it too late to say 'We're sorry'?"

"For attempting to take total control of my life to the point where you almost get my husband killed? I would say so!" Elise replied angrily. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to face Pinkie.

"Elise…it's never too late." Pinkie stated as she locked her sky-blue eyes with Elise's violet ones.

Elise sighed out a "_Fine_."

Don and Elise Sr. opened their arms towards their daughter.

Elise sighed and walked into their warm embrace.

Elise Sr. looked up to Chris. "You too, son."

Chris narrowed his eyes, "Why is it when I don't _want _to hug either of you two, you finally open up to me?" Chris felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to face Pinkie.

"Chris…please?" Pinkie asked, a slight tone of pleading in her voice.

"Oh, alright…" Chris said, as he hesitantly walked over to Elise and her parent's and joining in on the group hug.

Pinkie turned to Dan. "Isn't that sweet? You almost forget they're horrible, horrible people!" Pinkie said enthusiastically, motioning to Don and Elise Sr.

"Blech, this mushy stuff just churns my stomach." Dan stated.

With a feral roar from outside, a loose collection of a human skeletal system was thrown into the cabin through the broken window and landed on the hardwood floor scattering bones everywhere.

"Oh, yeaaaah." Dan mused looking at the bones. "There's a flesh hungry monster outside, still."

"Ooo! Free Nightmare Night decorations!" Pinkie stated.

"Pinkie, stop being an idiot." Dan commanded. "It's called 'Halloween', here."

"Oh, right! Silly me!" Pinkie said with a smile, rubbing the back of her head.

The four in the group hug broke their embrace to examine Colby's scattered, skeletal remains.

Chris looked up towards Pinkie. "Uh, Pinkie? People usually bury remains and have funerals."

Dan clapped his hands and rubbed his palms together. "Corpse party! Alright!" He said with a smile.

"You can't spell funeral without 'fun'!" Pinkie pointed out enthusiastically.

Don turned to Chris and Elise. "How do you figure out if they're joking or not?" He asked.

Elise looked back to her dad. "Chris and I gave up on that quite some time ago." She admitted.

"You ready to celebrate your untimely demise, Colby?" Pinkie said.

The four turned to see that Pinkie had fetched Colby's skull and was holding it up in one of her hands.

Pinkie worked Colby's jaw up and down, talking through the skull as if it were a puppet "Sure, Pinkie! No dancing though, I have no_**body**_ to dance with."

Dan chuckled. "Isn't she precious?" He asked, patting Pinkie on her head as she smiled back at him.

"This is all _very_ funny and incredibly disturbing," Elise Sr. stated, "but shouldn't we do something about the giant monster outside?"

Chris began laughing.

"Uh, Chris?" Elise asked.

"No _**body**_…_hehehe_…" Chris uttered.

Pinkie grinned. "Maybe we can play some music, I bet Colby's really good at the trom_**bone**_!"

Chris broke into a fit of laughter. "_Pfffthahahahaha_…Stop, you…_hahahaha_…you're killing me!"

"At least she can't kill Colby," Dan pointed out, "he's already dead!" He said with a smile.

Chris closed his eyes. "_AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_!" Chris laughter increased as tears started to stream down his face.

Don glared at Pinkie and Dan. "I bet you two think that's cool…" He muttered in a fraternal, disappointed tone.

Elise chuckled. "_**I**_ thought it was funny."

"Hey! **Everyone**! Giant monster! Outside! _Wants to eat us_!" Elise Sr. stated, waving her hands back and forth in front of her to get everyone's attention.

"Oh…right!" Pinkie said, setting Colby's skull on the couch. She turned to Dan. "Shall we run through the list?"

Elise raised an eyebrow as Chris attempted to get a lid on his laughter.

"List?" She asked.

Dan smiled. "Pinkie and I have a list of options we go through when faced with a situation. Like a giant, radioactive monster attack or a long line at the supermarket." He explained, motioning out with an upturned hand.

Chris stopped laughing. "Why do you have the same list for both those things?" He asked in a pensive tone.

Dan turned to Pinkie. "A."

"Colby tried that. He got eaten." She pointed out.

Dan pulled his lips to the side of his face. "B." He continued.

"We didn't bring the suits…or a hive."

Dan quickly glanced at the ceiling. "C?"

Mr. Mumbles trotted out of Dan and Pinkie's bedroom and began hissing.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. "Do you _really _want to throw Mr. Mumbles out there?"

"Good point." Dan replied. "D."

"Did _you _bring any dogs?" Pinkie asked, raising her eyebrows.

Dan frowned. "No." His frown quickly changed to a smile. "E?"

Pinkie smiled nervously. "Oooooo…I used the last of the dynamite on the snow fortress…"

Dan sighed and rolled his eyes. "**F**." He said irritably.

"Yay!" Pinkie said as she smiled and clapped her hands together. "F! I chose F!"

Dan brought a palm up to his face with an audible '_Slap_'.

"What's F?" Chris asked.

Dan mumbled something inaudible.

"What?" Chris said, moving closer to Dan.

"F is _**friendship**_, okay?!" Dan replied irritably.

"I'm surprised it's not _fire_." Elise commented.

Dan sighed. "Pinkie won the coin toss."

"Wait," Don began, "are you suggesting we try to make friends with that thing?!" Don exclaimed in a shocked tone.

"No, no, no, no, no!" Pinkie said waving a hand back and forth in front of her. "We need to make friends with each other!" Pinkie responded cheerfully.

Don paused. "I think I'd rather make friends with the monster."

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. "Works for me."

"Hey!" Don replied angrily.

"It was your _idea_!" Pinkie pointed out.

"Yeah, but…" Don began.

"Dad, stop being a jerk to her. She's _trying_ to help." Elise pointed out.

"But she's just so…_weird_!" Don pointed out.

Don felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to face his wife. "Don, she convince Elise to forgive…"

"_Not throw you both in prison_." Elise corrected, raising an eyebrow. "Provided you behave." She added.

Elise Sr. sighed. "She convinced Elise to not turn us in for attempted murder. You can at least apologize to the girl."

"But…" Don began to protest.

"_Don_." Elise Sr. responded in a warning tone.

Don sighed. "Oh, all right." He turned to Pinkie. "I'm…sorry I've been giving you such a hard time this trip…" He said, avoiding Pinkie's gaze.

Pinkie smiled. "Forgiven!" She replied closing her eyes. She opened her eyes and turned to Elise Sr.

Elise Sr. looked surprised and pointed to herself. "Me?!" She exclaimed.

"Mom, you could have been nicer to Pinkie as well." Elise replied.

Elise Sr. looked at her daughter and scrunched her lips to the side of her mouth considering this. "You're right, Jun_**Elise**_. I could have been nicer." She turned to Pinkie. "Pinkie dear, I'm sorry."

"Ahhh, that's okay." Pinkie replied. She looked over the group. "Okay, now that we're all friends…"

Chris held up an index finger. "Abstaining from murdering each other on the spot." He corrected.

"I'll _**take**_ it!" Pinkie replied excitedly pointing at Chris. She revised her earlier statement. "Now that we all tolerate each other enough not to kill each other, let's show the monster we're getting along and it will leave us in peace!"

Dan raised an eyebrow. "What kind of idiotic logic is that?!"

"Well, where I'm from it would work!" Pinkie insisted.

"You may have notice the thing out there is not a"—Dan air quoted—"'snowy horsie', and is, in fact, a fifteen foot tall monster with a great deal of the real-estate in its head devoted to eating."

"Come on, Dan!" Pinkie said optimistically. "What's the worst that can happen?"

Dan motioned to the scattered bones on the floor.

Pinkie pursed her lips. "It's okay!" She insisted. "We can show it from up here!"

Dan frowned. "I _guess_ that's okay…"

"Great!" Pinkie exclaimed, setting her tea on the windowsill. "Everyone join hands!"

Dan, Chris, and Elise also sat their teas down.

"We're all going to _dieeee_." Don mumbled in a soft sing-song tone.

"Hush you! You'll scare the friendship vibes away!" Pinkie insisted.

Dan grabbed Pinkie's right hand, Chris her left. Elise grabbed Chris's other hand and then her mother's. Elise Sr. grabbed her husband's hand.

"Now what?" Dan asked.

Pinkie beamed. "Now we sing the Friendship Song!"

"Uhhh…" Dan began.

Pinkie immediately broke into verse.

"_Ooooh, making friends is the goal_."

"_Friend will never leave you in a hole._"

"So, _if you would like to leave this place,_"

"_and you don't want to vanish without a trace,_"

"_you'll listen up and take my advice._"

"_You'll all get along and start playing nice._"

"This is stupid…" Don muttered.

"Shhh…" Elise Sr. shushed her husband. "Something about this song speaks to me."

"_By nice to people you meet in cafeterias_,"

"_don't send your daughter's husband out to Siberia_…Come on, everyone! You know the words!"

"Uhhhh…something, something, something _friends_." Dan sang.

"Um, _Friends will help you if you have the bends_." Chris added.

"_And they'd let enrolled in dance_!" Elise sang, shooting a look at her parents.

"_They wouldn't call the police on you even if they had the chance_!" Elise Sr. sang, looking back at her daughter.

"…"

"Come on, Don!" Pinkie said with big smile, swinging Dan's and Chris's arms in the air.

"I'm not doing this." Don declared.

"_Ohhhh…Don wants to be eaten by a Wendigo_." Pinkie sang.

Don glared at her. "When this doesn't work, I'll enjoy watching you eat crow." Don said.

Pinkie smiled and nodded. "Good."

"Wait, what?" Don said.

Dan looked across the group to Don. "You rhymed…sorta."

"Yeah, even if it wasn't a very good rhyme." Chris said.

"I didn't _mean _to." Don insisted.

"Lookie, lookie!" Pinkie said pointing out at the Wendigo.

The group looked out towards the Wendigo. Blood was caked around its mouth; its beard; its slender, dagger like hands; and even its tight chest fur and skin that hugged its visible rib cage. Yet, it had stopped growling, or doing much of anything. Instead it simply sat and stared into the broken window.

"I think it worked!" Pinkie said excitedly.

"I think it thinks we're a bunch of morons, because that's also what I think." Dan replied.

"Come on, Dan! Let's go out there and show it what great…_acquaintances_ we all are!" She insisted.

Dan sighed and walked to the door as Pinkie and everyone else followed, holding hands. He opened the door and walked out to the edge of the porch as everyone trailed behind him.

The Wendigo stared at them and made a confused growling sound.

"See!" Pinkie stated. "We just needed to get along!" Pinkie said triumphantly.

"Uhhh…Why is it still here, then?" Chris asked,

"Oh…I don't know!" Pinkie stated. She smiled. "Maybe _it _needs a friend, too!"

"Uh, Pinkie? That sounds like a _horrifically_ bad idea." Dan said.

"Yeaaaaah, I agree with Dan on this." Chris stated.

"Ah, come on!" Pinkie said, letting go of Chris's hand and motioning to herself. "I'm a _great _judge of character!" She insisted.

"Yeah, you live with Dan." Elise Sr. said in a sarcastic tone.

Don chuckled.

"Hey!" Dan protested. He let go of Pinkie hand and pointed to himself. "I'm awesome!" He declared.

Elise's eyes went wide, "Uh, Dan?"

"_What_?!" Dan exclaimed.

Elise pointed out towards the Wendigo.

Dan turned. "Pinkie! What the _**heck**_ are you doing?!" He called in alarm.

Pinkie had walked off the porch and was now standing next to the Wendigo which was staring down at her with a blank expression.

"What do you say, Mr. Cannibalistic beasty? Do you need a friend?" Pinkie asked as she cocked her head. She smiled and reached out for one of the Wendigo's large, slender fingers.

'_**SWAT'**_

The Wendigo quickly shifted its hand and the back of it slammed into Pinkie, her body flew through the air, and into the cabin through the broken window.

'_**CRASH' 'Thump'**_

The loud sound of Pinkie impacting with the cabin wall was heard followed by her hitting the floor.

"_**Pinkie!" **_Dan, Elise, and Chris called out, all running back inside.

"I'm ooooookaaaaay!" Pinkie replied. "Dan could you be a dear and pop my shoulder back into place?..And also pull the dear antler out of my thigh?"

Dan ran up to his injured roommate, a bump protruded from her left shoulder and one of the large, elk trophies sat on the floor, a couple inches of one of its points buried into Pinkie's right thigh. Blood poured out of her nose and the skin around one of her eyes was turning black.

"Pinkie?" Dan said softly.

"Yes, Dans?" Pinkie replied, her head lolling around and her eyes unfocused.

"Out of the stupid things you've done, that was _by far_ the stupidest."

Pinkie sighed. "I know, Dans."

Elise ran up with some medical supplies and a wet rag. "Here Pinkie, clean your face with this." Elise said, handing the rag to Pinkie.

"Thanks Elises, you're tru_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!**_" Pinkie shrieked.

"Sorry, Pinkie. I needed to get that antler out of you and get that puncture wound treated." Elise explained.

Pinkie took a few shallow breaths. "That's okay, I just wish you_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHH!**_"

"Oh, pipe down." Dan ordered. "The quicker your shoulder is popped back into place, the better."

Pinkie whimpered. "You two are _great_ friends." She said through gritted teeth. "Great, painful, _**painful**_ friends."

"Here." Chris handed an icepack to Pinkie. "Put this on your eye."

Pinkie winced. "No pulling anything out of me or popping anything back into place, please!"

Chris smiled. "I'll try to contain myself."

Pinkie tentatively grabbed the ice pack and placed it over her black eye.

"Thanks, Chris. That was very though_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**_"

"Sorry Pinkie, but that wound needed to be disinfected." Elise stated, as she capped a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

"STOP BEING PAINFUL BEST FRIENDS!" Pinkie pleaded of Elise and Dan.

"Well, **that** was a complete waste of time." Don commented.

Pinkie frowned.

Dan leveled an angry glare at Don, and opened his mouth, but Chris was on his feet and approaching Don before he could say anything.

"Hey! Leave her alone, at least she _tried _something!" Chris insisted.

"So? Colby tried something, and none of you showed him any concern!" Don countered.

"He helped try to _kill_ me!" Chris reminded. He leveled an angry index finger at Don. "You tried to kill me!"

"Yeah, well, and now Colby's dead, but at least he died like a man!" Don exclaimed.

Dan raised an eyebrow. "By having his throat ripped out?"

"NO!" Don shouted. "He died trying to protect his family." He turned back to Chris. "All _you've _done is sit here and look stupid!"

Pinkie looked at Elise. "Did…did your dad already forget Chris was going to run out to save you?"

Elise sighed. "Seems that way…"

Chris's eyes narrowed. "It's not like _you've_ done anything, except get saved, beaten up by your daughter, and _complain_ about everything."

"Both of you, stop!" Elise Sr. ordered. "This isn't getting us anywhere!"

"Maybe we should try the friendship song, again!" Pinkie suggested joyfully.

"_SHUT UP_!" Everyone else commanded.

"Or quiet…quiet's good…" Pinkie offered meekly.

"Look!" Dan said sternly. "There's only two ways to get rid of a Wendigo spirit!"

Pinkie smiled.

"And, **no**, _friendship_ is not one of them."

Pinkie whimpered softly and pouted as Elise wrapped Pinkie's leg in gauze.

"Alright, Dan. What do we do?" Chris asked.

"First, we can exorcise it." Dan stated.

Elise knitted her brow. "How do we do that?"

"First, we hold the afflicted down…" Dan began.

The group looked out at the fifteen foot tall, grotesque beast that stared back at them with glowing, hungry eyes. A steady stream of drool dripped out of the side of its mouth as its large tongue dangled out from the collection of razor sharp teeth.

"Yeah…that's not happening." Elise replied.

"Okay, _well_, we can also pour boiling fat down the aflicted's throat to thaw the Wendigo's icy heart." Dan said.

"Great idea!" Elise Sr. said rolling her eyes. "We'll just hand it a big pot of boiling fat and ask it to drink up!"

Dan tapped his chin with an index finger and looked towards the ceiling. "Yeah, admittedly this would be easier if Colby didn't feed himself to the thing."

Elise sighed. "I guess it's better than sitting and here and waiting to freeze to death when we run out of firewood."

Dan looked at Chris. "Chris! We'll need to cook all the bacon you have!"

"But, I need that bacon…for eating!" Chris protested.

"Look, unless you have several gallons of lard just laying…"

Chris walked over to the kitchen and opened one of cupboards, revealing a large tub of lard.

Everyone paused and looked at Chris.

"What?" Chris asked. "What else am I supposed to fry the bacon in?"

Dan smiled. "Chris, for once your disgusting habits might just save us all."

*Four pounds of cold lard turned boiling later.*

Elise dipped a ladle into the boiling, white liquid. She took it out and carefully poured the contents into a stainless steel canteen with a green cloth buttoned up around it. She quickly screwed the lid of the canteen close. "I'm not sure how long this will stay hot." She commented. She turned to the occupants of the cabin. "Everyone ready?"

"Ready!" Pinkie and Dan replied. Pinkie held up her chainsaw. Dan held up a machete.

Don turned to Dan and Pinkie. "I can't believe you two actually had a badminton racket and birdy." He said, holding those things he just mentioned in that sentence you just read.

"Yeah…" Dan replied. "_Terror at Badminton Sorority Camp_ is a pretty strange movie…"

"Elise," Elise Sr. began, "You wouldn't happen to have another gun on you, would you?"

Elise bent down and reached around her ankle, producing a small, boxy pistol and handing it to her mother.

Elise Sr. gripped the weapon and examined it, turning off the safety as she kept her hand off the trigger. "This will do."

"Hey, Pinkie." Dan said in a serious tone.

Pinkie looked towards her roommate. "Yes, Dan?"

"In case…in case we don't make it. There's something I need to tell you..." Dan said, trailing off.

Everyone else paused and looked at the short man in a black 'JERK' shirt and the taller woman in the pink parka.

"There's…there's something I need to tell you, too…" Pinkie said softly.

Dan held his machete at his side and walked closer to Pinkie.

Pinkie held her chainsaw at her side and closed the distance further.

The two looked deeply into each other's eyes. Sky-blue eyes meeting green eyes in the soft light of the cabin.

"Pinkie I…I…" Dan swallowed. "…I threw the last cupcake at a moose because it looked at me stupid."

Pinkie smiled. "That's okay, I ate the last lactose-free brownie." She admitted.

Dan smiled and held his arms out. "Bestest buddies forever?" He asked.

Pinkie's smile widened as she also held open her arms and gave her roommate, a big, _snuggly_, hug. "Bestest buddies forever!" She answered.

"OH, COME ON!" Elise shouted.

Dan and Pinkie turned to her.

"What?" Pinkie asked.

Elise sighed. "Nothing…" She muttered.

"Alright!" Dan said resolutely, as he let go of Pinkie. "Now that the mushy stuff is over, all we need is someone stupid enough to serve as a distraction as we attack that thing and force it to drink boiling fat." Dan stated, looking from side to side. Dan frowned.

Elise began to look around frantically. "Where's Chris!?"

Suddenly, the blue sedan roared to life, and its headlight shot into the darkness like a large, slumbering creature that had just awoken.

"Oh no…" Elise murmured.

The Wendigo howled as the blue sedan turned onto the road and sped down the icy path. The shambling beast gave chase.

"WE HAVE TO HELP HIM!" Elise shouted.

Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Well, du'h!" She answered.

"OR," Don interjected. "We can get in the RV and use Chris's sacrifice to get away!"

"Oooo! Oooo! Or I could chop off Don's legs with this chainsaw and we can let the monster eat him while _we_ get away!" Pinkie replied.

"Uhhh…" Don trailed off and looked at the smiling girl with the long, pink curls and large, red chainsaw.

"She'd _do it_, too!" Dan assured.

"On second thought, let's go save my son-in-law!" Don said, attempting to sound heroic.

"Yay!" Pinkie replied.

-ooo-

Headlights pierced the night, revealing a white pathway with large, evergreen trees on either side that jutted into the sky like long, jagged spears. Chris drove the car over the icy road, the wheels constantly losing traction on the surface as he picked up speed.

He glanced into the rearview mirror and smiled as he saw the thin, giant beast close on his tail. His smile changed to panic as the car hit a large patch of ice and began fishtailing. Chris attempted to regain control of the vehicle, but the road curved and the car came to a rather sudden stop as the passenger side had a rendezvous with a large tree trunk.

Chris felt himself jerk forward suddenly, then was pulled back into his seat by his seat belt. Metal screamed as it bent under pressure. The windshield cracked. The passenger side window shattered and showered Chris in tiny jewels of glass that cut at his skin.

Chris looked up into the rearview mirror as a he heard a deep, blood curdling roar.

The beast was almost to the car.

_I guess this is as far as I go…_

The beast reached over and grabbed the driver's side door, scythe like fingers digging into and through the thin metal and crushing it like a soda can.

Chris grinned to himself as he felt the hair on his skin change to fur and the muscles in his body expand.

"Alright, monster. You want a fight? Let's get _feral_."

-oooooo-

Author notes:

Dear Larry Fessenden,

Please stop putting Wendigos in your movies when it makes no sense to do so.

Thanks.


	44. Chapter 39

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Chapter 39 Chris Vs. Wendigo

-ooooo-

The hinges on the car door bent and twisted, the window exploded into tiny glass fragments. The Wendigo pulled and soon the door, or what was once the door, was no longer attached to the blue sedan. It tossed the crumbled and warped piece of metal away, and the mass of metal hit a tree with a loud '_CRUNCH'_.

The Wendigo reached its, thin, claw like appendage into the car, expecting to tear into soft, human flesh. Instead, it recoiled and roared in alarm as it felt something sharp clamped down around a finger.

Before it had time to react, a large, brown and blue bulk flung itself from the exposed driver seat and slammed into the Wendigo's emaciated chest, knocking it to the ground.

With a feral roar, a bear wearing blue, torn and shredded one piece pajamas dug its teeth into the left shoulder of the beast and began raking its claws across the monsters chest, causing lines of shallow lacerations that turned brown fur red with every swipe.

The Wendigo raised both its hands and wrapped several feet long, thin, fingers around the bear's torso, digging into pajamas, fur, and flesh. In one swift movement, it lifted and flung the bear away from it.

The bear quickly hit the ground and tumbled through the loose snow. It rolled as the Wendigo raised to its full height, towering over the quadruped.

Woozily, the bear stood on its four paws and shook itself, flinging snow in all directions. It roared and charged its towering target, large paws dug into snow and flung it behind it as it hastened into an angry mass of bared teeth and brown fur that shifting and flied as it picked up speed.

The Wendigo leaned its head down, threw its arms back, and thundered at the charging bear with a noise the pierced the night and stopped the bear dead in its tracks, mere inches from the beast's blood caked face.

Stunned, the bear leaned forward and sunk its teeth into the Wendigo's nose.

The lanky beast howled in pain as blood gushed from its face, it reared its head back and raked a massive claw against the bears flank.

The bloodied bear snarled and lunged forward, digging both teeth and claws into the thin leg of the Wendigo.

The monster kicked its leg out, shaking the bear loose. It swatted its large hand downwards clocking the bear, _**hard**_, against its head.

The bear stumbled as it shook its head. It looked up and attempted to focus its eyes as two large hands descended and sharp claws dug into its fur and skin.

With a frustrated roar, the Wendigo picked the bear off the ground, and threw it towards the tree line.

Once again, the bear went flying. This time a large, unforgiving tree stopped its flight with an audible 'CRACK'. It slid and slumped into the snow as its eyes began to close.

_No._

_Not yet._

_I have fight. I have to keep everyone safe._

Pain shot through Chris's body, his left foreleg hung limply from his shoulder. Wearily, he put weight onto his right foreleg and stood up as best he could. He lifted his head and looked on as the blurry mass of the Wendigo approached him. Before he could react, he felt a sharp pain in his side as a talon dug deeply into his muscles. He bellowed in pain and growled softly as a dark maw lined with sharp teeth drew nearer.

'_CLACK', 'CLACK', 'CLACK'_

As soon as the sound of gunfire was heard the monster reeled back as it felt tiny pricks of pain shoot deeply into its back.

'_CLACK', 'CLACK', 'CLACK'_

The Wendigo turned as five figures speed towards it in the darkness. Flashes of light emanated briefly from two slender figured leading the pack as the sound of gunfire rang out and the feeling of pain began to pierce its chest.

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!" Elise demanded, coming to a halt.

The Wendigo complied, turning from its downed foe and howling at the approaching group.

"Elise! I need a reload!" Elise Sr. called out.

Elise reached down to her belt and quickly unbuttoned a couple of pouches. She grabbed a small, rectangular clip and tossed it to her mother, and grabbed a slightly longer one for herself.

The Wendigo began closing the distance, large, thin, reptilian feet stomping through snow as the yards between the beast and group quickly dwindled.

Pinkie paused long enough to raise her chainsaw to her face, grip the starter in her teeth, and pull back with her head as she pulled her arms forward. The chainsaw roared to life.

'_BRRRRRRRRRRNNNNnnnnNNNNnnnnNNNnnnn'_

"_**GO, TEAM STUPID**_!" Dan yelled, thrusting his machete into the sky, he and Pinkie charged the quickly approaching beast.

"Hey, _**UGLY**_!" Don called out, throwing a white shuttlecock into the sky. He smirked. "Keep your eye on the _**birdie**_." In a flash of movement he swung his badminton racket and hit the badminton bird towards the beast's face.

The beast raised its claws, ready to swipe them down on the short man and pink haired girl that were quickly entering its field of reach. It barely had time to glance up as a white blur slammed into its left eye, shooting searing pain as it impacted into the soft optical organ.

As Pinkie approached the beast, she swung her chainsaw up diagonally, carving into flesh as the speedy chain tore into the beast's lower abdomen.

Painful roars emanated from the beast as Dan ran past Pinkie, and extended a leg out; kicking up snow, and sliding to a halt behind the creature's legs. He swung his machete backwards and it cut into the Wendigo's Achilles tendon.

The lumbering beast frantically rubbed its eye, trying to dislodge the foreign object from its socket. A task that quickly became more difficult as more shots rang out and more pain shot through its chest and arm.

Dan ran between the beast's legs, swinging his machete against the Wendigo's second Achilles tendon and cutting deeply into the back of its long, thin ankle.

The monster fell backwards onto the road, finding both its legs where no longer suitable for bearing its considerable weight.

"Elise! The canteen!" Dan called out.

Elise reached for the item as it dangled on her belt loop, held in place by a large metal snap hook. She quickly unclasped the hook, grabbed the canteen by the green wrapping and tossed it towards Dan who caught it and turned to the downed beast. He ran to its side and began clambering onto its torso, crawling on his hands and knees over thin, blood-soaked fur.

The Wendigo looked up and stared at Dan with a single glowing eye, the other slammed shut and twitching.

Dan gulped as he inhaled air that smelled reminiscent of a decaying corpse and unscrewed the lid to the canteen.

_**Really**__ should have thought this one through a little better… _

Thin shadows enveloped Dan as the monster's long, thin fingers ending in jagged, sharp nails quickly descended towards him.

Through the corner of his eye, Dan could see metal catch the light of the moon, and a blur of red and pink.

'_**BRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN'**_

The monster howled in agony as a chainsaw was plunged deep into its chest.

Pinkie gritted her teeth and forced her weight onto the saw as blood and bits of the best flew out of the wound she was busily carving. She felt her chainsaw dig deep then impact something hard.

"DAN!" She shouted, removing her chainsaw. "Pour the canteen into the wound! I think I hit its heart!" She shouted.

Dan dove forward and turned the canteen upside down. White liquid streamed out of it and it steamed as it came into contact with the bone-chilling night air. The Viscous liquid fell into the fresh wound and the beast howled in pain and swung its arms wildly.

The next thing Dan knew, he felt something slam, _**hard**_, against his chest. Before he had to time to process this new searing pain in his torso, it was quickly joined by a sharp pain in the back of his head as a tree quickly brought a halt to his unscheduled flight. He slid down the tree into the loose snow below.

"Dan!? _**Dan**_!? Are you alright?!" Pinkie asked in a panicked tone.

Dan blearily looked up as a hazy pink and red shape approached him. "Boy, do I feel stupid." He replied.

Pinkie smiled, sat down her chainsaw, and leaned down to embrace her roommate. She quietly whispered, "I thought I lost you there, for a second," into his ear.

Dan chuckled softly. "Heh, you really thought you'd be rid of me _that_ easily?" He replied as a grin spread across his face and he returned the hug.

Pinkie pulled back just enough to lock eyes with Dan. He stared past the gore and black shiner on her face and quickly found himself lost in the sky of Pinkie's large, beautiful, blue eyes.

"_Never_." Pinkie Pie murmured as the moonlight shined against her blood-spattered face and long pink curls.

Pinkie and Dan closed their eyes as they pursed their lips.

Pinkie tilted her head slightly, leaned in, and…

"_**RRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH HHHH!"**_

Dan and Pinkie covered their ears and bent their heads down; trying to block the ear shattering noise of the Wendigo, and ending up slamming their foreheads against each other's.

"_OWW_!" Dan exclaimed.

"_Owie_!" Pinkie replied.

The two looked out towards the Wendigo.

Elise, her mother, and her father were likewise covering their ears.

Thick white smoke bellowed out of the beast's mouth and the large hole in its chest, flying up into the lightening sky into a single, massive, dingy cloud. The cloud traveling as a stream deep into the dark wilderness, away from the cabin and group.

As the smoke departed, the body of the beast shrank back down to the form of a laceration covered, blood-soaked, bearded man wearing a pair of equally blood-soaked, tattered trousers; A large, gaping cut was still In his chest at his heart and a white badminton birdie was lodged in his left ocular cavity.

"Looks like we won." Pinkie announced with a smile. She stood up as she rubbed her forehead. She reached out a hand to help Dan to his feet. Pink nail polish peeking out under the blood on the fingertips.

"I'll try to contain myself." Dan replied grumpily. He took Pinkie's slender hand and stood up, quickly falling against Pinkie for support as he found balance and focusing were currently not his strong suites.

Pinkie wrapped an arm around his torso and began walking with Dan towards the group as he rested an arm over her shoulders. Pinkie reached up to hold the hand now resting on her shoulder to make sure Dan stayed upright.

Pinkie giggled. "You're heavy." She stated cheerfully.

"Yeah, yeah…" Dan replied irritably as the two continued walking, Pinkie limping slightly and favoring her uninjured leg.

"_CHRIS_!" Elise shouting running towards the barely conscious bear in bloody, torn, blue pajamas.

The bear merely grunted in reply as it rested on the ground.

"Is that a bear wearing pajamas?!" Don exclaimed.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at Don as she and Dan approached. "By Celestia, you're an idiot." She stated.

"_Oooooo_!" Dan exclaimed. "Intelligence insulted by Pinkie Pie!" He stated with a grin. "Should we set up a bed in the _**burn ward**_?"

Don shot the two a quick glare, and turned away, crossing his arms.

Elise sat down and picked up the bear's head, resting it on her lap as she slid her legs under it. She began stroking it. "It's okay…" She whispered. "We're safe now." Tears began to form in her eyes. "Come back to me, sweetie."

The body of the bear shrank to that of a tall, brown haired man, laying with his stomach on the snow.

Elise reached over and rotated her husband so he was staring up at her from her lap. "Hey, honey." Chris said weakly. "Is everyone safe?" He asked.

Elise smiled. "Chris," She began. "You are a stupid, idiotic, goofy, courageous, _brave_ man, and _yes_. Everyone is safe." Elise leaned her head down to kiss her husband passionately.

"_Awwww_…" Pinkie cooed.

"This mushy stuff _still_ churns my stomach!" Dan protested.

"BLECH!" Elise exclaimed as she brought her head back up and began wiping her lips as if trying to get the taste of something out of her mouth.

"Yeaaaah…" Chris began. "I kind of bit into that thing a number of times…" He admitted. "I could really go for some bacon…or _anything_ to get the taste out of my mouth."

Pinkie giggled. "Chris, may I be the _first_ to say that those are some incredibly **manly** pajamas you're wearing." She stated.

"The bloody battle wounds really highlight your manly features." Dan added with a smile. "Like…your bloody battle wounds."

"Thanks guys. But I think I could use some manly bandages and a masculine sling for my broken arm." Chris replied with a weak smile.

"Is no _one_ going to address the fact that Chris turned into a bear?!" Elise Sr. exclaimed, motioned towards Chris.

Dan turned to her. "What? Chris is one sixteenth Canadian." He explained.

"Since when does 'being Canadian' mean you can transform into a bear?!" Elise Sr. asked in an agitated, confused tone.

"Since, forever?! I don't know!" Dan responded irritably. "I'm not a Canadatologist!"

"Hey guys." Chris called out. "Can we talk about this later? I'd sorta like to go inside and warm up…and stop the bleeding."

"Aww," Pinkie said. "But it's such _manly _bleeding."

"Alright, already!" Don said with mild irritation in his voice. "I get it. Turning into a bear and fighting a fifteen foot tall monster is really, _really_ manly."

Elise helped her unsteady husband get to his feet.

Don walked over and extended a hand out to Chris, smiling meekly. "Put it there, son."

Chris returned the meek smile and extended a hand and collapsed into Don as Elise pushed Chris into her father.

Surprised, Don quickly got a hold of Chris and held him up.

"Hey!" Don and Chris protested.

Elise smiled. "Sorry guys. Dad, can you hold him for me for a little bit?" Elise glanced to Hiram and walked over to the car. She pulled the key from the ignition, and walked around to the trunk, opened it, and pulled out a large, metal cylinder with a handle attacked to its top. "Pinkie, can I borrow your chainsaw?" Elise asked.

"Sure, Elise!" Pinkie replied cheerfully.

"Great! Thanks." Elise responded.

Soon she was positioned over Hiram, the saw chain positioned over his neck.

"Oooo, watcha doing?" Pinkie enquired.

Elise smirked slyly. "Getting a Halloween decoration."

*A round of bandages, disinfectant, and boarding up a broken window later.*

"Are you _sure _you don't need to go to the hospital?" Elise asked her husband as he stared up at her from her lap.

Chris grinned. "I think I'm happier here…" He replied. "And none of my organs appear to be failing, so that's good." He added. The coupled enjoyed the couch to themselves. Chris's bandaged body sprawled over it.

Elise looked across the room to Dan. "How about you."

Dan looked over from the loveseat, or specifically, Pinkie's lap which also occupied the loveseat. "I think I'm good." He replied, his eyes still a bit unfocused. "I think the room is starting to spin at a much slower pace, now…" He added, as he stroked Mr. Mumbles who was curled up on his chest.

Pinkie looked down at Dan and smiled as she absentmindedly ran her fingers through his hair. "You know, I'm pretty sure this isn't even the most injuries we've gotten in an adventure."

Chris sighed. "Yeaaaaaah…" He said in agreement.

Dan looked up at Pinkie. "Feel better?" He asked.

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. "I'm settling for no one being dead at the moment."

Chris raised an eyebrow. "What about Colby?"

"Oh, right." Pinkie said, blinking a few times. "Make that anyone who matters not being dead." Pinkie replied.

The cabin door opened and Don and Elise Sr. entered.

"Alright, everyone." Elise Sr. said enthusiastically. "A tow truck and a rental SUV will be here tomorrow to get everyone on their way."

"Let's hope none of the drivers get possessed by that Wendigo spirit…" Dan mumbled.

Pinkie grinned. "Pretty sure the glowing eyes will be a bit of a giveaway."

Dan smiled. "I'll need you to punch them if they're wearing sunglasses."

Pinkie giggled. "Of course! Safety first."

"I also have a surprise I brought up from the cellar." Don added. He went back outside and carried a large barrel into the cabin.

Pinkie gasped and sat up suddenly.

'_THUMP'_

"_MERROW!_"

"Ow!" Dan stated.

Pinkie looked down. "Ooops…sorry Dan."

"That's okay." Dan replied irritably. "This way the front of my head will match the _back_, and now Mr. Mumbles gets to join the _pain_ club as well…"

"Merrrrooooow…" Mr. Mumbles mewed, forepaws sticking out from under Dan's stomach.

Pinkie looked up at Don. "_Please_ tell me that's what I think it is."

"That depends, do you think it's a barrel full of home brewed apple cider?" Don asked with a smile.

"YES!" Pinkie said enthusiastically throwing her hands into the air.

Don grinned. "Alright, I'll get some mugs and we'll _really_ get this party started."

Pinkie grinned mischievously. "Hey Don, betcha can't drink more than me~!" She sang out.

Don looked up at her. "…You're serious?" He asked in a surprised tone.

"Come on! We can double our bet. Winner takes all!" Pinkie said enthusiastically.

Don chuckled. "Heh, I thought you'd forgotten about that."

Pinkie shook her head. "No way! You're not getting off _that_ easily!" She informed.

"Alright, little lady, you're on!" Don stated with a grin.

Dan and Mr. Mumbles clambered back onto the loveseat and watched with interest as Don lifted the barrel up onto the table and began preparation.

Elise chuckled. "Is this safe?"

Dan turned back to look at Elise. "For whom exactly?"

"Pinkie." Elise replied. "My dad can really put away the cider." Elise explained.

"Oh, he can, can he? Fifty bucks on Pinkie." Dan said smiling.

"Alright, Dan. You're on." Elise replied matching the smile.

Dan turned back to Don and Pinkie. Pinkie was eagerly hopping up and down on her good leg as she held an empty mug.

"Honestly," Dan said, "I'd imagine having the Wendigo in here would be safer than an inebriated Pinkie."

***-ooooo-

'_BUZZZZZZ', 'BUZZZZZZ', 'BUZZZZZZ'_

A large, blue, bloodshot eye opened to glare angrily at an alarm clock sitting on a nightstand.

A slender hand, with pink nail polish shot out from under a thick comforter, grabbed the alarm clock, and threw it through a closed window.

'_SHATTER' _

The alarm clock flew through the sky towards a tree, where it was quickly caught by a squirrel.

"_SQUEAK!_"

…In the sense that the clock clocked the squirrel in the head and sent it diving towards the snow below.

Pinkie grumbled irritably as the sunlight stabbed into her eyes, compounding the pain of her splitting headache.

"Morning, sleepy head." Dan sang out from behind her.

"Dan?" Pinkie asked with narrow eyes and an irritated expression on her face. She threw off the covers and looked down.

"Uhh…Where to begin?" Pinkie asked. "Let's start with your shirt…why am I wearing it?" She enquired.

Dan chuckled. "At one point last night you wanted to switch places with me."

"Okay, well that _also_ explains why you're wearing _my_ pajamas." Pinkie said, examining the pajama clad arms wrapped around her torso. She examined Dan's nails which had pink nail polish smeared all over them and even onto his skin a bit. "I can't _believe_ you agreed to this!" She exclaimed.

"Heh, I didn't." Dan informed. "You were pretty forceful last night and undressed me, _**re**_dressed me, _and_ painted my nails against my will."

"Okay, now _that_ I believe." Pinkie tugged at Dan's arms but found the short man was putting up quite some resistance. "Dan, you can let go. We need to get ready before the tow truck arrives."

"No way." Dan replied. "I'm beginning to see why you do this. You're really warm…and, dare I say, _snuggly_?" He took a big sniff of Pinkie's hair. "And you smell nice…you _know_…now that you washed all the Wendigo gore out of your hair.

Pinkie mumbled something unpleasant to herself and sighed. "Hey, who won the bet last night?" She asked.

Dan sniggered, "Check your waistband."

Pinkie reached down past Dan's arm and felt around her waist, finding something with her hands, she brought up two crisp $100 bills and smiled to herself. "Wait a minute…" Pinkie uttered as she felt around her waist. "If I'm wearing _your_ boxers, does that mean you're wearing..?" Pinkie trailed off, afraid she already knew the answer.

"I told you, you were _very_ forceful."

Pinkie blushed a luminescent shade of red. "Somehow, this is isn't as funny now that it's morning."

Dan let go of Pinkie and quickly positioned himself over the girl straddling her abdomen.

Pinkie looked up and gulped; catching something wild in Dan's eyes as his smile changed to an evil grin.

"Liar." Dan said as he shoved his hands underneath the black 'JERK' shirt Pinkie was wearing and began frantically moving his fingertips up and down her bare sides.

Mr. Mumbles yawned from her position which had, just a few seconds ago, been against Dan's back. She trotted to the foot of the bed and jumped off.

"_HAHAHAH_…DAN! _HEHEHEHE_…STOP! _HEHEHAHAHAH_…NO! NOT…_HEHEHEHE_…THERE!" Pinkie pleaded as she feebly tried to swat Dan's hands away.

The door to the bedroom flew open and the two looked up to see Elise, wearing nothing but a long sleeved, blue shirt, which went down her thighs about halfway. Elsie smiled from ear to ear. "You two _HAVE_ to see this!"

Dan matched Pinkie in the blush department as he looked over at Elise, his hands till buried in the shirt Pinkie was wearing.

Elise grinned slyly. "Nice clothes, by the way." She said, slowly closing the door.

Dan and Pinkie synchronized smacking palms against their own faces.

"Shall we go outside?" Dan grumbled.

Pinkie sighed. "Sure, it couldn't possibly be any more embarrassing than that!" She exclaimed.

"Meow!" Mr. Mumbles added.

Dan glared down at her. "Laugh it up, fuzz ball."

Pinkie opted to exit the room first, peeking out into the large, cabin living area. She quickly threw the door open and stepped out of the room. "_Pffft_…**Dan**! I was wrong!" Pinkie exclaimed as a huge smile grew across her face. "Hehehe…This is _waaaay _more embarrassing." She explained as she broke into a fit of giggles.

"_What_?!" Dan protested as he walked out into the room. His grumpy expression shifted as he looked out into the living area.

Elise Sr. sat in the loveseat wearing loose fitting, red pinstriped pajamas.

However, Dan's focus was somewhere else entirely. "_AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_!"

"Hey guys." Chris called out, exiting his room in an unshredded pair of blue, footy pajamas and an arm in a sling. "What's so…Oh, my." Chris uttered as a smile crept across his face.

Don glared at the other cabin occupants as he stood in front of the couch with crossed arms, wearing nothing but a sleeveless, white, silk nightgown, which went down his thighs about halfway.

"I _hate_ all of you." He replied.

"_Aww_, Dad, don't be like that. It's a very _manly _gown you're wearing." Elise said before erupting into laughter quickly joined by everyone else.

-ooooo-

Don closed the hatch to the large silver SUV and brushed his hands against each other.

He turned to Chris and extended his hand. "You're all set, son, maybe we'll have you up here again sometime…if Dan agrees to bring his exorcism gear." Don added with a chuckle.

Chris smiled and took the hand and shook it. "I guess 'Wendigo spirit roaming the nearby woods' _would _hurt property values a bit.

Don released his grip on Chris's hand. "So…" He paused. "I guess this changes things a bit…" He said trailing off.

Chris narrowed his eyes slightly. "You mean like the _first_ time I saved you two?"

Don thought about this for a moment. "Huh…I guess you're right." He responded. "I guess it doesn't change things…"

Chris pulled back his good arm and balled his fist. "Yeah, I _thought_ as much."

-o-

Chris quickly entered the passenger side to the SUV and shut the door behind him.

The other vehicle occupants, still dressed in their cold weather gear, where silent.

Elise finally spoke up. "Chris, did you just _punch_ my dad?"

"Yeah…I suppose I did." Chris answered blankly, staring out into the white, tree covered expanse in front of him.

Elise grinned. "Chris, you are going to get _so many smoochees_ when I get you alone."

Pinkie and Dan giggled to themselves from the backseat.

Chris smiled. "A man has to draw the line _somewhere_." He said proudly.

-o-

Don rubbed his jaw as his wife approached him. "If I wasn't hung over…" He muttered.

Elise Sr. put a hand on her husband's arm. "Oh Don, let it go. I mean…we did attempt to trap him in a hole and leave him there."

Don sighed. "Yeah, maybe we over did it this time."

"Also, I would like to avoid prison." Elise Sr. stated. "Come on, let's get out of here before anything _else_ weird happens."

o

Chris turned back to Pinkie who sat in the middle seat, slumped against Dan's arm and shoulder.

"So," Chris began with a smile. "What should we sing first?"

Pinkie shot a glare at him. "Chris, my head is _killing_ me. If you sing, I _will _rip out your vocal cords and feed them to you."

Chris's expression turned pensive as he stared forward. "Or quiet. Quiet's good."

Dan smiled. "Music to my ears."

Elise looked out the rearview mirror. She watched as her father rubbed his jaw and shot a glare at the SUV, then as her mother put a hand on his arm. Elise produced a pair of earbuds attached to a small, round, black device with a speaker on the side of it and placed one of the tiny, black speakers into her ear as she watched her parents return to the RV.

"Elise, are you _spying _on your parents?" Dan asked in a surprised tone as he absentmindedly stroked Mr. Mumbles who had curled up on his lap.

Elise turned around to face Dan. "Don't tell me you disapprove." She said with a cocked eyebrow.

"No, it's just…you have some _serious_ trust issues." Dan said.

Elise frowned as she turned her eyes in the direction of the ear she had just inserted the earbud into. She unplugged the ear buds, and Elise Sr.'s voice spoke from the small device in Elise's hand. "…I guess we'll have to find a replacement for Colby."

"Yeah," the voice of Don agreed, "Part bear or not, that goofy idiot has simply _got_ to go!"

Elise looked back to Dan and sighed. "Can you blame me?"

Dan shrugged. "Apparently not."

"Next time I punch your dad, I think I'll turn into a bear first." Chris stated.

"Maybe you can hit my mom, too." Elise stated, turning back towards the road and starting the SUV. "I think she managed to get through this completely unscathed…"

The sound of the RV starting was heard. Elise continued to watch it in the rearview mirror. Her eyes went wide as thick, black smoke bellowed out from underneath it and quickly engulfed it. Elise Sr. and Don quickly exited the RV in a coughing fit.

Elise stopped the RV as the occupants turned to observe the smoking vehicle.

"What the…Chris did you..?" Elise asked, turning to her husband.

Chris shook his head. "Wasn't me."

Elise turned to the backseat. "Dan?"

Dan also shook his head. "No, but I kinda wish I had thought of it…"

The smoke slowly changed to a red color, then pink as Pinkie giggled.

Elise smiled at the pink, curly haired girl, turned back to the road, put the SUV into gear, and sped off.

"So, where to?" Elise asked. "I need to drop something off in Havre, then I guess we can go wherever we want."

"How about a nice lodge, somewhere?" Chris suggested. "He turned in his seat to face Dan. "Or are lodges teaming with serial killers and spirits, as well."

Dan looked up to the ceiling of the vehicle, pondering this then looked back. "No…maybe the occasional murder mystery caused by an irate staff member or guest with an agenda, but it should be much lighter on the indiscriminate killing."

Elise nodded. "Alright…let's head west, that way we can spend as little time in Idaho as possible on the trip home."

"Sounds good to me!" Pinkie responded.

Chris switched his focus to the pink haired girl. "I'm surprised you don't want revenge." He stated.

Pinkie paused, then reached a hand into Dan's jean pocket, pulling out a notepad and flipping it towards the back. She lifted up a page for Chris to see.

The page read **IDAHO **in large, pink, glittery letters, surrounded by the word 'die' over and over again complete with the 'i's dotted with hearts and an angry looking, pink pony with long, straight hair. Pinkie wrapped her arms around Dan's arm and smiled. "Idaho will get his…_erm_…its…" She paused. "_After _I finally get to relax." She added.

Dan turned and smiled at the girl whose head was resting against his shoulder. "It's a _date_."

Pinkie smiled warmly back at him.

Chris looked at Elise who simply shrugged with a smile. Chris matched the smile and shrug, and simply shook his head.

-ooooo-

Pinkie stared out a large window, resting her hands on the windowsill and leaning her head against them. She sighed contently and smiled as she looked into the orange and purple twilight covered creak, tree line, and mountains past that.

"Feeling better?"

Pinkie turned as Dan approached the long sleeved, red and white striped shirt and jeans clad girl. "Much." She answered as Dan joined her, placing his hands on the windowsill and looking out into the peaceful peaks outside.

Pinkie reached a hand over and covered one of Dan's with her own. "Thanks for having another adventure with me." She murmured.

Dan looked back at her. "Anytime."

Dan and Pinkie stared deeply into each other's eyes. Slowly, they closed the distance between their faces, tilting their heads slightly as their eyes shut, their lips pursed, and…

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_

"_**OH, COME ON!" **_Pinkie shouted looking up to the sky and turning her hands up in frustration.

Dan sighed and rested his cheek against his hand, leaning against the windowsill with his elbow. "Here we go, again…"

A famine sounding voice rang out from somewhere in the lodge. "The Concierge has been…"

"…_**MURDERED**_!"

Pinkie buried her face into her palms and began grumbling obscenities into them.

"I _told _you you where tempting fate when you picked up those Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson outfits!" Dan said in a chastising tone.

Pinkie looked up, but continued to hold her hands up in a frustrated manner "But they fit _so well_!" Pinkie protested.

Dan sighed once more and turned, walking down a long hallway. "Come on, Pinkie. Let's save everyone from their own idiocy…_again_."

Pinkie turned angrily and pointed at...

…Uhhhh…

"You! Yes, _**YOU**_. The beard with an idiot hanging off of it." Pinkie said angrily.

Heh, _Black Books_ reference, that's digging deep.

"_**Shut up**_!" Pinkie demanded. "I swear, if you keep this up, it's not the shippers you'll have to worry about. It'll be **me**!"

And what exactly do you think you can do to me?

"I will haunt your dreams and I will give you just the _absolutely, most terrible,_ _**worse in the history of eternity,**_ baked _bads_ based nightmares that have, will, and _EVER_ existed in the history of _**forever**_! DO YOU HEAR ME!? I WILL TORMENT YOUR SUBCONSCIOUSNESS EVERY SECOND YOU'RE ASLEEP, AND EVERY SECOND YOU'RE AWAKE YOU WILL LIVE IN MORTAL FEAR OF EVERY CUPCAKE, CAKE, OR MUFFIN YOU COME ACROSS! I'LL MAKE _CUPCAKES _LOOK LIKE A RATED 'E' SLICE OF LIFE FIC BY THE TIME I'M DONE WITH YOU! _**SAVVY?!**_"

Alright, already. _Geeez_…Just…just hold tight for the next part. I _**swear**_ I'm going somewhere with all this.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. "Pinkie Pie promise?"

Cross my heart, and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.

Pinkie smiled and nodded. "Good."

"Pinkie?" Dan called out. "Are you coming or not?!"

"Coming~!" She sang out. Pinkie skipped merrily down the hall.

"Uh…what was all the screaming about?" Dan asked.

Pinkie quickly wrapped her arms around one of Dan's as they walked. "_Just_ getting a point across to the powers that be."

Dan shook his head. "You are so weird." He replied.

Pinkie cocked her head slightly. "Said the man who was going to dress up as Dr. Watson to help his roommate solve a crime." Pinkie responded cheerily.

"Well it's not like I can just go around solving crimes without looking the part!" Dan replied.

Pinkie giggled. "Another adventure, huh?"

"It never ends, does it?" Dan sighed out.

Pinkie smiled. "That's fine." She said simply, tightening her grip on Dan's arm.

_I'll go on an endless stream of silly and dangerous adventures…_

…_Just so long as I'm with you._


	45. Part 6 Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Epilogue (Pinkie & Dan Vs. Idaho)

-ooooo-

Song lyrics from The Great Divide by The Mowgli's

-ooooo-

Pinkie smiled exuberantly as she brought her running chainsaw down on a long, thin, piece of wood sticking vertically out of the ground in the dark, starry night. Sawdust sprayed her black sweater and black pants as her saw made a neat, diagonal cut through the wood.

_-I head east towards the city _

"Timber!" She shouted as the large, blue 'Welcome to IDAHO' sign teetered forward and crashed on the ground.

_-and when the sun goes down I'm heading home again _

Dan grinned evilly as he turned over a rectangular, large, red, metal gas canister and emptied a clear substance onto the sign.

_-the city lights have left me empty _

He handed Pinkie a box of matches. "Would you like to do the honors?" He asked, smiling at the pink haired woman.

_-they've replaced the stars that used to shine so bright _

Pinkie grinned wide with an audible 'squee' and took the matches. She quickly lit one and flung it on the downed sign which erupted in a blaze of fire.

_-So I will smile and I'll keep you close _

The two quickly made their way to the nearby red hatchback, laughing the entire way.

"Our work is done." Dan announced happily as he buckled his seatbelt, Pinkie doing the same from the passenger seat. He reached into his pocket and handed Pinkie a notepad.

_-and when the sun brings in the morning _

Pinkie gleefully accepted the notepad and flipped towards the back. She flipped it to the page that read **IDAHO **in glittery, pink letters and enthusiastically scribbled over the state's name.

_-I know today will be better than the last _

"Geez," Pinkie began, "Could you _believe_ how many virgins they were going to sacrifice at that Square Dancing event?!" Pinkie said, looking across to Dan

_-As I turn into the evening_

Dan shrugged. "They're Square Dancers, they're just bad people."

_-I pray my dreams will come and I'll cross the great divide _

Dan started the car and turned to Pinkie. "Where to?"

_-Don't, don't go changin' _

Pinkie paused and grinned mischievously. "My back is itchy…"

_-please, please come and save me _

Dan smiled wide. "Vegas, eh? I'll drive fast."

_-With your smile, you keep me close _

_Dan _pulled the car onto the highway and the red hatchback sped off from the scene of the crime into the night. Its occupants giggling and chuckling at their victory over the Gem State.

Dan reached for a cassette tape as he drove on. He felt a hand on his and looked up into Pinkie's smiling face.

"I have a better idea." She said. "How many punk songs do you suppose you and I know?"

_-oh how you move me _

"Uhh, I'm not sure if we know seven hours' worth..." Dan replied.

_-with your love, oh how it swept right through me _

He smiled wide. "But I guess we'll find out."

_-and with your smile you bring heaven _

Pinkie beamed happily in reply.

Dan grumbled from the couch as he was awoken by the flickering TV. An infomercial played staring people Dan would never care about advertising nothing Dan wanted or needed.

Pinkie gently snoozed away in her pink dress, leaning against Dan's shoulder.

Dan mumbled inaudibly to himself as he dragged a palm over his face. "Ah, come on, Billy! We'll clean the bathroom tomorrow, alright?" Dan irritably pleaded into the otherwise empty apartment.

The TV shut off leaving the roommates in darkness and silence on the couch.

"Stupid, jerk ghost…" Dan mumbled under his breath

Dan and Pinkie had made it home after a couple days of traveling and winning obscene amounts of money from casinos, and had sat down to relax together and watch some TV on their return. At some point, both Pinkie and Dan had fallen fast asleep.

Dan turned to the slumbering Pinkie Pie and sighed.

_Looks like it's my job to drag you to bed…_

…_again._

He grabbed one of Pinkie's arms and slung it over his shoulder, and then grabbed the other arm and place its hand on the wrist draped by his neck.

Dan bent down and shimmied an arm under Pinkie's knees, and placed another on her back. Pinkie giggled softly as Dan lifted her up, she instinctively held on tight and nuzzled herself into his chest as Dan began trudging towards the bedroom.

Dan felt his heart beat quicken to an alarming pace at the contact, and he suddenly felt a warmness in his face he was unaccustomed to.

_Am…am I having a heart attack?!_

Dan made haste to the bedroom, stepping over expensive looking silver cases that littered the ground of the apartment. He quickly, but carefully deposited the sleeping Pinkie Pie on the bed.

Pinkie curled up on top of the covers and continued her gentle snoozing. Small beams of streetlight eked in through the blinds across her pink dress, pink hair, and light skin. The hints of a smile at the corners of her lips.

Dan turned and practically dove into the bathroom, feeling his forehead as the hot feeling continued and his heart continued to beat rapidly.

_Maybe I'm coming down with something…_

Dan threw open the medicine cabinet and began unscrewing lids, and depositing pills into his palm. He rushed out of the bathroom towards the kitchen sink, filled a glass with water, put the pills in his mouth, and then took a drink, swallowing the pills.

A few seconds of attempting to control his breathing later, and Dan was back to normal. He breathed a sigh of relief and walked into the bedroom.

The feeling hit Dan like a bus impacting an unsuspecting library patron, or a hatch to the back of a vehicle coming down on an unassuming gas station attendant's head. His heart leapt in his chest and he felt warm all over as he gazed at the sleeping figure of his roommate; snoozing and smiling to herself in the night as pink curls framed her sleeping face that glowed in the dim light.

_Oh no…_

Dan felt his world collapse around him. The last, worn and weary barriers around his heart buckled and toppled. For the first time and quite some time, he felt scared and vulnerable.

He turned and ran towards the apartment door. He flung it open and stepped into the cool California night, shutting it behind him.

He balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

"_**LOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEE!"**_

_**Dan Vs.**_

_**3 3 3 LOVE 333**_

-ooooo-

Author's Notes:

_The Great Divide_ written by Michael Vincze, Joshua Hogan, Colin Dieden, Christian James Hand, David Naftali Appelbaum, Matthew David Dipanni, Kathryn Jayne Earl, Spencer Trent Gongwer, Peter Andrew Mallinger, and possibly the frikin' dog the band is named after if all those people really had a hand in writing it. Copyright Photo Finish Records.


	46. Part 6 Bonus

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping Bonus (Dan's & Pinkie's Solution List)

-ooooo-

Solutions list (with annotations by Dan)

Assault (usually shot down by Pinkie) :(

Bees: Requires having bees, and bee keeper suits on hand.

Cat: Throw Mr. Mumbles at problem (usually ends with Mr. Mumbles clawing _my_ face! Why, Mr. Mumbles, why?!)

Dogs: Angry attack dog(s) (requires angry attack dog or dogs).

Explosives. (yes!)

Friendship (wanted "fire", but Pinkie won the coin toss)

Grapes of Wrath (throw grapes and/or one or more copies of The Grapes of Wrath)

Hide: (and hope problem goes away!)

Ignite (still managed to get fire on the list)

Joust: Challenge problem to a knightly jousting match. (I knew going to all those ren fairs would pay off)

Kumquat (don't ask.)

(Combustible) Lemons, courtesy of one of our friendly Casa Paradisio mad scientist in apartment 5.

Montage! (works with surprisingly frequency, especially if Pinkie sings.)

Nap: Sleep on it and see if either of us still cares afterwards.

Opossum (Pinkie just thought the word was funny; requires Opossum or Opossums to throw)

Pickle Barrel (seriously, don't ask)

Quartet: Distract target with Barbershop Quartet routine (requires Chris and Elise or two homeless people who can hit the low notes)

RAMPAGE! (let's just brake stuff and see if that solves things)

Shark (requires shark and shark tank)

Tabasco Sauce (a squirt gun full of hot sauce works wonders!)

Understanding: Attempt to see things from the problems perspective and work towards a resolution with them (Damnit, Pinkie!)

Voltage: Tasers are legal in most places, conveniently enough.

Why?! (question the cosmos and/or the powers that be that the first 22 plans were dismissed or didn't work)

Xussar Iryston: Capture problem and mail it to Xussar Iryston (convenient, as almost no one knows where or even what this is)

Yellow: Beat problem with phone books (finally, they're good for something again!)

Zeitgeist: Burn everything & get the **%&*! out of town**. (Word chosen because it sounds awesome and it's hecka hard to find something that begins with Z)

Authors notes: Just a little something as I continue to work on the next chapter.

Also, I was informed that there was an issue with the chapters. Chapter 9 (listed as 10 the way organizes them) was accidentally replaced with another copy of 8. This has been fixed. Thanks to user DragoLord19D for pointing that out.


	47. Chapter 40

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 7 Dan Vs. Love Chapter 40 Pinkie Vs. Philanthropy

-ooooo-

Pinkie slowly opened her eyes to the sounds of birds chirping. Sunlight shot through the blinds in bright bands of light across her face, and over the light blue blanket she was under. She smiled as she enjoyed the warm feeling on her face, and also the warm feeling on her back. She reached to her abdomen to discover two arms had wrapped her in a tight embrace.

She giggled as she lightly tapped her finger against the hands on her torso in a rhythmic fashion. Dan stirred from behind her and nuzzled his head into her pink curls. "Oh, I can get used to this." Pinkie purred.

"_**SNORT**_!" Without warning Dan shot up and threw the covers off his bare chest and boxers. He inhaled a large amount of air before he slammed his head into the swinging lamp directly over the bed. "GHAH!"

"Eeep!" Pinkie responded startled by Dan's sudden jump and frantic behavior.

Dan flailed his hands at the lamp as Pinkie quickly sat up and stopped its swinging before it could land another blow on Dan. Pinkie looked at Dan with concern.

Mr. Mumbles gave an alarmed meow and bounded off of the bed at the sudden movement.

"Dan?! What's wrong?! What happened?!" Pinkie asked.

Dan shot her a glare. "I couldn't breathe with my face in your stupid hair."

Pinkie attempted to keep her concerned and sympathetic look but it quickly fell to a grin as her body shook with the laughter she was failing at stifling. "_Pffft_…I'm…sorry? _HeheheHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_"

Dan frowned. "Alright, admittedly, that does sound pretty idiotic."

"Hehehehe, Sorry Dan. My hair just has a mind of its own."

"Apparently it has a mind for murder, it just tried to kill me." Dan said, narrowing his eyes.

Pinkie grinned. "It's very attached to its territory, i.e. my scalp."

Dan glared again, this time directed at Pinkie's hair. "Next time, I'll bring an electric shear." Dan commented.

Pinkie smirked. "You tried that already, remember?"

ooo

'_Bzzzzzzzzzz'_

"_SNORE!"_

Dan glared down at the mop of pink curls around his roommate's face that blanketed the white pillow she was sleeping away on. "Alright, _hair,_" Dan spat out angrily,_ "_your reign of terror ends today! No longer will I wake up to find you covering the drain in the bathtub! This ends, _now_! From Hell's heart, I stab at thee!"

Dan stuck his electronic weapon into the amorphous, pink, collection of curls. Rotating razors drank deeply of the beasts flesh as the shears descended into the deep mass of bright locks.

'Bzzz_zzzz_**zzzzzzZZZ**_**ZZZZZZZZ**_'

Too deeply, it seemed. Soon the device was buzzing loudly in protest as it drowned in a sea of hair that was proving too thick and stalwart for the motor of the device.

Dan removed his hand in alarm as the shears heated up to an uncomfortable temperature. Dan dove for the cord and unplugged it as the device burst into flames. He turned back and was suddenly staring straight into angry, questioning blue eyes.

"Dan, why is my hair smoking and on fire?" Pinkie asked in a calm voice laced with venom.

"Uhhh…" Dan responded. Attempting to come up with a reasonable answer that wouldn't get him stabbed.

Pinkie paused, closed her eyes, and held up her hands, palms facing Dan. "You know what? I'm going to stick my head in the shower." She opened her eyes resuming her glare and leveled an index finger at Dan. "When I come back, you better have an apology and an explanation or I'm going to make you eat whatever this thing is in my hair." She said in a threatening tone.

Dan gulped. "Yes, ma'am."

Pinkie calmly hopped out of bed and not so calmly panically ran out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.

ooo

Dan's glare fell as he was reminded of one of his less proud moments and a time when aggression against Pinkie was something he'd do without a second thought. "Uh…right. Sorry about that…again."

Pinkie simply smiled back at Dan. "Oh, it's _okay_. A got to wear hats for about a week and got really clever about combing over the burnt hair in that time." Pinkie responded happily. "And, _hey_! We both learned something important that day."

Dan raised an eyebrow. "That your hair is an uncontrollable beast that consumes all in its path?"

Pinkie giggled, and playfully waved a dismissive hand at Dan. "No silly! I learned I should clean my hair out of the drain and you learned…" Pinkie paused and quickly glanced to the side. "…Well, I guess you _did_ learn that thing you just said!" She exclaimed

"It's great you can be so understanding about your hair being attacked and set on fire." Dan replied. "_Pretty sure _most girls would have made me eat the sheers…" He explained, mumbling, "…provided they'd ever _speak_ to me again…"

Pinkie continued to smile and shrugged. "You didn't _mean_ to set my hair on fire."

"No, but I _did _mean to shave it off." Dan insisted.

"Oh, don't worry about it!" Pinkie replied. "You apologized, my hair grew back, and everything is hunky-dory!"

"If you say so…"

Pinkie nodded vigorously. "I _do_ say so!" She sprang from the bed and walked over to the bedroom closet. "Now if you'll excuse me…" Pinkie pulled on the sliding door to the closet, revealing that it was 50% full of colorful, mostly pink clothing, and 50% full of sharp and dangerous looking weapons. "…I seem to be wearing the same thing I was last night and could _probably_ do with a shower."

Dan hopped out of the bed as Pinkie fished out her white, button up shirt; black vest, rainbow leg warmers, and cutoff jean shorts.

Pinkie turned and grinned slyly at Dan. "Now, how do you suppose I made it from the couch to the bed, I wonder?" She cooed.

Dan blushed slightly, and walked to his dresser grumbling, "You're heavy…" sheepishly.

Pinkie grinned wide. "I thought as much."

A round of showers and dressing later

"So," Dan began sitting on the couch next to Pinkie, water still dripping off his hair, "what does _Pinkie Pie _want to do with her day?"

Pinkie smiled bemusedly. "Why, Mr. Mandel, are you actually asking _me_, what I want to do for a change?" She asked fluttering her eyelids.

"What?" Dan said feigning hurt into his voice. "I'm _sure _you have plenty of awesome ideas to kill a day."

"Weeelllll…since you asked," Pinkie said with a grin, "I was thinking I've been given so much, mostly courtesy of Las Vegas, that I should really give something back to those who need it."

Dan frowned. "I stand corrected."

"Aww, come on!" Pinkie insisted, throwing her hands out. "I'm _sure_ it'll be fun!"

"Since when is giving money too lazy to make it themselves, '_fun_'?" Dan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Maybe we can think of a way to make it fun!" Pinkie insisted.

Dan paused as a mischievous smile crept across his face. "Alright, I have an idea. Have you ever heard of a t-shirt cannon?"

-ooooo-

The red hatchback pulled up to a bearded man wearing a black beanie; and brown, tattered, patched, and soiled clothes. Flies buzzed around him as he held up a sign that read "Will Juggl Lobstrs for cash."

Dan and Pinkie stared at him from their rolled down car windows. Dan in the driver seat, and Pinkie in the backseat.

Dan glared at the grungy looking homeless man. "You're missing some 'e's there."

"Couldn't afford 'em." The man responded in a gruff voice.

Pinkie giggled. "_Hehehe_, good one."

Dan's expression softened a bit. "You get many handouts with that line?"

"Heh, a bit." The homeless man admitted.

"Well, here comes the mother lode." Dan said with a grin. "Get 'em, Pinkie."

"Wait!" Pinkie looked at the hobo with a huge grin on her face. "Can you really juggle lobsters?!"

The man grinned under his dingy beard. "For a pretty lady like yourself, of course! I'll have lobster flying around in a _jiffy_!"

Exactly one jiffy later

"GET 'EM OFF ME! GET 'EM OFF! _GET'EMOFF_! _**GETEMOFF**_!"

Pinkie and Dan looked down at the tramp as red lobsters clambered all over his body and affixed themselves to him via their large, painful looking claws.

Pinkie turned to Dan. "This wasn't as much fun as I was expecting."

"I, for one, am pleasantly surprised by the level of entertainment here!" Dan responded. "But I guess you could always put him out of his misery."

"Okay!" Pinkie responded, diving into the backseat and reemerging with a large, black, cylindrical cannon with a large barrel that she pointed directly at the homeless man.

"WAIT!" The hobo pleaded, standing up. A lobster hung by its claws on his beard as the other lobsters remained attached to his appendages. "Just, give me another jiffy! I promise I'll get them airborne this time!"

"Don't worry!" Pinkie said. "It'll _all_ be over in a second!" She assured.

The bearded man closed his eyes and quickly made peace with his maker.

'_THOMP'_

A green projectile slammed into the tramp, sending him flying into his cardboard home behind him with a loud 'Crash'. $100 bills exploded in all directions then drifted gently to the ground.

"GoD, BlesS, Yoooouu…" The homeless man warbled out.

Pinkie beamed as Dan drove off. "You're right Pinkie, helping others _is _fun!" He grinned evilly. "Let's see who _else _we can help."

-o-

"Hello, sir. My name is Crunchy, it rhymes with munchies. And I am her today to say, what you like to save the whales…_today_?" A blond haired, dreadlocked man with pink glasses, a green shirt, a purple vest, khakis, and flip-flops, held out a large coffee can and shook it about.

Pinkie clapped her hands happily. "Oh! I like him! He rhymed!"

Dan turned back to the pink haired girl hanging out the backseat window. "He used 'today' twice. That's hardly poetry."

Pinkie raised her hands in a shrug. "At least he tried."

"Hey man, the whales could _really_ use your support!" Crunchy insisted.

Dan furrowed his brow, turning back towards Crunchy. "What have the whales ever done for me?" Dan demanded.

"No bra, ask not what the whales can do for you, but ask what mankind has done to the whales!" The hippy replied.

"Not enough, apparently!" Dan said. "They're still _here_, aren't they?!" Dan retorted.

"Sir! If you're not hear to support our cause of restoring balance in the ocean. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Crunchy said, folding his arms across his chest.

Dan shrugged. "Suits me!" He started the car.

"WAIT!" Pinkie shouted from the back seat. "Dan! We have so much! We don't _need_ to be picky-mickies!"

Dan sighed. "You're right, Pinkie. Give the man everything that's coming to him."

Crunchy grinned and held up his coffee tin, but his grin quickly turned to alarm as Pinkie raised her large, black, cannon looking aperture.

'_THOMP'_

Crunchy flew back into a table full of Save the Whales' fliers. The table snapped in half at the impact, and fliers buried the hippy as a 'Save the Whales' banner collapsed, taking two large plastic poles with it, and into the center of the papery, money mass of injured hippy.

"Oooo…" Pinkie said through clenched teeth. "Sorry."

"It'S alL GOod…thanks for your contrabeee...contribuooo…cash." Crunchy responded, one of his arms pointed in a rather unnatural angle.

"I can fix this!" Pinkie declared. She quickly reloaded her cannon, took aim, and fired another round into Crunchy who gurgled painfully in response.

"Pinkie!" Dan shouted. "Stop giving the dirty hippy all your money!"

"But hospitals are _expensive_!" Pinkie protested.

Crunchy weakly raised his finger into the air. "Mouther natcher thanks yooouuu…" The finger fell limply into the pile of $100 bills.

Dan snickered to himself and drove off.

-o-

"Wanna buy some Girl Scout cookies, mister?" A small, freckled, redheaded girl asked. Her hair curly and long. She wore a white shirt with a green sash across it and a matching green skirt.

"Awww, you're adorable, kid. We'll take all of them!" Dan said happily.

"Really, minster?!" The child replied, a dazzling smile exploded across her face.

Dan nodded. "Yep! _**Get her, Pinkie**_!" Dan commanded.

Pinkie quickly popped out from the backseat window and leveled her cannon.

'_THOMP'_

"_AHHH_!" The little girl screamed in alarm as a green mass of bills exploded across her face.

-o-

"Would you like to help fund diabeetus research?" A balding man with bushy white eyebrows and an equally bushy mustache asked.

'_THOMP'_

"MY PANCREAS!"

"Well…it wasn't working right anyways…" Pinkie offered, grinning sheepishly.

"Dude, I think you just shot a celebrity." Dan observed.

-o-

"Boy Scout coupons?"

'_THOMP'_

'_AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!_'

-o-

"Breast cancer research?"

'_THOMP'_

"_WAAAAAAAAH_! WHY WOULD YOU SHOUT AT THOSE?!"

-o-

"Save the trees?"

'_THOMP'_

"_BANDERSNATCH!"_

-o-

"Save the owls?"

'_THOMP'_

"_WHIFFLE!"_

-o-

"Save the hungry?"

'_THOMP'_

"_TULGEY!"_

-o-

"Save the dolphins?"

'_THOMP'_

"_BURBLE!"_

-o-

"Save the tuna?"

'_THOMP'_

"_FRABJOUS!"_

-o-

"Save the tuna _**from**_ the dolphins?"

'_THOMP'_

"_GFLARGLE!"_

'_THOMP'_

'_THOMP'_

'_THOMP'_

'_THOMP'_

'_THOMP'_

"I think that homeless guy just twitched." Dan commented.

'_THOMP'_

A devilish grin spread across Dan's face. "Much better."

Pinkie deposited the t-shirt cannon on the seat next to her, breathing heavily. "_Huff…Pufff_…There! I think that's enough helping the needy for now."

"I'm not sure the needy can survive any more of our help, anyways." Dan commented.

Pinkie put her hands on the seats in front of her and leaned forward. "I'm _starved_!" She announced. "Wanna grab a burger?"

"Do I!?" Dan responded enthusiastically.

Pinkie propelled herself forward neatly onto the passenger's seat, and quickly buckled her seatbelt.

The red hatchback cruised down the street, palm trees passing on either side.

"Just don't pay the drive-thru worker _with_ the money cannon." Dan said.

"Ahhh, you're no fun…" Pinkie said in a pouting tone.

"I mean it!" Dan said. "Save that level of carnage for _Lenny's_."

"Pffft…" Pinkie began dismissively. "Like I'd fire money at anyone who works there."

"You know…" Dan began. "…we can always figure out what _else _this thing can fire."

Pinkie giggled. "I guess we know what we're doing tomorrow~." She sang.

Authors notes: In case you missed the notice on the last submission, Chapter 9 (listed as 10 the way organizes them) was accidentally replaced with another copy of 8. This has been fixed. Thanks to user DragoLord19D for pointing that out.


	48. Chapter 41

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 7 Dan Vs. Love Chapter 41 Pinkie Vs. Unemployment

-ooooo-

Dan slowly opened his eyes to the sounds of birds chirping. Sunlight shot through the blinds in bright bands of light across his face, and over the light blue blanket he was under. He scowled at the bright light as it assaulted his vision.

"Stupid Sun." He mumbled. The sun, like many things, had a near permanent place on his list. Mostly because attempting to launch water balloons at it with a giant slingshot only resulted in a collection of soggy, unconscious cyclist and pedestrians.

He felt a something warm pressed against his chest and arms wrapped around his body. Likewise, his arms were also wrapped around the pink haired, pink pajama clad girl. Dan sighed at the thought of getting up and giving up his current, comfortable place on the bed; his head apparently resting against a puddle of pink cotton candy.

_Alright, plan, plan, I __**still**__ need a plan…_

_Flowers? Bleck, Too pedestrian, too many stupid metaphors that can go south._

_Ah, ha! Spell out 'I love you' by setting fire to large stretches of Los Angeles and sneak Pinkie onto the highest floor of the U.S. Bank Tower! Hmm… Well, the sneaking part wouldn't be hard, but I'd probably be arrested or shot long before I was even done with the word 'love'…_

_Poison her and only give her the antidote on the condition she loves me…sure if I WANTED her to fake it and kill me in my sleep a few days later…_

_Why does making someone fall in love with you have to be so dang hard?!_

"Beep"

Dan felt a light push against his nose and looked down to see a feminine hand with pink nail polish attached pajama clad arm lead down towards the smiling face of the woman he was currently holding. His heart skipped a beat as he looked into the blue eyes framed by an adorable face all surrounded by luscious, pink curls.

Pinkie giggled. "Sorry! You looked so lost in thought! I couldn't help myself! First you were thinking! Then you were happy," Pinkie smiled," but then sad," Pinkie frowned, "but then happy again," smiled, "and then sad," frowned, "and then you got that look on your face like you were about to set fire to something," Pinkie grinned evilly, "but then really, _really_, _**really**_ sad" Pinkie pouted and quivered her lip, "and then you looked frustrated. So I was wondering…watcha thinkin' about?"

"Uhh…nothing…_shut up_…_I mean _I was thinking about how much I enjoy sleeping in this position…with you." Dan said.

_Nailed it!_

_A+_

Pinkie looked surprised for a second then blushed slightly as she nuzzled her head into Dan's chest. "I'm glad. I'm really happy here, too…"

Dan smiled to himself and tightened his grip.

"…aside from the fact that I really, _really_, _**really **_need to use the bathroom and you're squeezing is making it worse…" Pinkie added.

"Oh, uh…sorry." Dan released Pinkie and she quickly gave him a quick, sheepish smile, hopped off the bed, and bolted out of the bedroom into the nearby bathroom.

"Stupid, lousy bladder." Dan muttered as he rose out of bed, the blankets falling off of his bare chest.

"Hmmmm…" Dan mused to himself.

"Date at a fancy restaurant? …No, either there would be something weird going on and/or we'd end up burning it down…"

"Romantic movie? _Grrraa_…I think I'd rather try setting fire to L.A."

Once again, the two roommates found themselves on the couch, staring inquisitively at each other. Pinkie having changed into her red, floral pattern shirt and jean shorts, with a pair of pink flats that bared her cutie mark, Dan wearing a fresh pair of the outfit he wears pretty much every day.

"Sooo…" Dan began, "What do you want to do today?"

Pinkie's face lit up. "_Three_ Pinkie Pie days in a row!? Wow Dan, you must _really_ like me!" Pinkie said, cocking her head and fluttering her eyelids.

Dan's face flushed as his expression turned nervous.

"Actually…" Pinkie said hesitantly, "…there is something I want to do."

"Yeesss?" Dan asked raising an eyebrow.

"I er…want to talk about something with you." Pinkie said putting her hands on Dan's.

Dan's heart immediately began to pound in his chest.

_Uh-oh…this can either go very, very well or very, __**very**__ bad._

_She just put her hands on mine, though! That's a good sign! Right? __**Right?!**_

Dan swallowed. "Yeah?"

"You're um…you're probably going to think I'm crazy…" Pinkie said.

Dan raised an eyebrow.

"Well…crazier!" Pinkie clarified.

"Just spit it out, already!" Dan demanded.

"Okay…" Pinkie inhaled deeply. "I think I need a job."

Dan rapidly shook his head and his face changed to shock. "_**What**_?!"

Pinkie sighed. "I _knew_ you'd respond that way…"

Dan paused and attempted to control his temper. "What I meant was, _why_ do you need a _job_? You have a wallet that gives you all the money you want and you _still _have **tons** of Vegas money." Dan reminded.

Pinkie sighed, and raised her hands, taking Dan's with them and intertwined her fingers with his. "I know…but I'm starting to feel anxious sitting here all day, every day." She explained.

Dan released one of his hands to motion out with it, "What are you talking about?! We go out practically _every_ day!"

"I know, and it's a lot of fun! But, I still feel kinda empty inside…like I could be doing more with myself, you know..."

"Uh…no, not really." Dan admitted. Dan's heart began to beat faster. "Wait…you're not trying to get away from _me_, are you?!"

"Of course _not_, silly!" Pinkie said, reaching out for Dan's hand again. "I _love_ spending time with you!"

Dan's heart skipped a beat at the word 'love'.

"But, I _really_ think this is something I have to do!" Pinkie said, locking serious looking sky-blue eye's with Dan's green eyes. "Besides, sooner or later the cops are _bound _to catch up with us."

Dan thought about this. "Honestly, we probably could get away with another few months of this before we actually got caught and charged with anything."

Pinkie grinned. "Seriously though, I need to do this." Pinkie's eye's turned pleading. "And I don't think I can do it alone."

Dan look deep into her eyes.

_Like I could ever say 'no' to those…_

Dan sighed. "Alright, Pinkie. I'll help."

"Yay!"

"But for the record, I think this is both stupid and idiotic." Dan added.

Dan felt arms encircle him. "That's okay, Dan. I'm just happy I have you here when I need you."

Dan smiled, and returned the hug. "Sure Pinkie. Anything for you…"

The hug was all too fleeting as Pinkie broke it, kissing Dan's forehead on the way up as she stood. Dan's face turned red with warmth at the gesture.

Pinkie held out a hand. "Come on, Dan! We're burning daylight!"

Dan smiled and took Pinkie's hand as she helped him up.

-ooooo-

"My basic principles of being against employment aside, have you thought about this?" Dan asked from the driver's seat of his red hatchback. "I mean, you have a fake ID that Elise made for you and that's _it_!"

"Don't worry Dan, I'm sure I can find _someone _who wants to hire me!" Pinkie said optimistically.

"Where do you think you'd even get a job at?" Dan said, frantically waving a hand about. "Don't tell me you're going to settle for burger flipping or office work." Dan said, knitting his brow at Pinkie. "I doubt your co-workers would put up with you singing orders to them for hours upon hours on end…and, no offense, but _**I **_found office work tedious and boring! I couldn't imagine you lasting a few hours before you have a mental breakdown and start constructing some sort of fort for yourself out of stolen office supplies."

Pinkie shook her head. "None taken. Besides, there's only one job that would make me happy!"

"Clown?" Dan guessed.

"…Okay, make that two jobs…"

"Party planner?"

"…Three jobs."

"Wait, so if it wasn't that, then…Fortune teller?"

"OH! I can do that, I _have _done that…I mean, _stop giving me ideas_!" Pinkie insisted.

"Right, sorry." Dan said, turning back to the road.

"No! I know what this town needs and it's a baker!" Pinkie declared.

"Uh…we have those." Dan reminded.

"Yeah, but almost everyone bakes with fake dyes, and imitation this and that, and just all kinds of _crazy_ stuff that makes no sense to me and makes me want to go on…like…I don't know," Pinkie's expression darkened as she held her hands up as frustrated claws around her face, "some sort of uncontrollable _**rampage**_ where I just run around and set **fire** to everything and laugh and laugh and _**laugh**_ as mankind is brought to its _knees_ because of its reliance on fake baking ingredients."

Dan paused. "You know what? Let's do that!" He said enthusiastically. "That sounds _way_ more fun." He grinned evilly. "You can carry around way more _gasoline_ if there's two of us~!" He sand.

"Dan! I can't burn down all the bakeries! Where would I find a job if I did that?!"

Dan paused. "You could always start your own!" He suggested. "And, hey! No competition!"

"I'd probably end up in prison if I actually did that thing I just said." Pinkie said, cocking an eyebrow.

"Details, details." Dan said, waving his hand about dismissively.

"Anyways," Pinkie continued, "I don't really know a lot about running a business. I mean…I can manage a shop by myself okay, but actually doing finances and all that icky sounding taxes stuff?! I'm a party pony, not a money managing pony!"

Dan raised an eyebrow. "Is that actually a thing in your world?"

"Well, d'uh! Who do you think runs all the giant chain stores and corporations and stuff?!" Pinkie asked.

"Uh…I don't know…I guess I just thought you all took breaks frolicking in pristine meadows and throwing parties for each other in between fighting terrifying creatures that seem to attack on a near monthly basis…" Dan responded.

"Well…_yeah_, but that doesn't mean we don't have businesses!" Pinkie exclaimed. She looked out the window. "Wait…is that our apartment building?!" She turned to Dan. "Are you just driving around the block over and over again?!"

"Well it's not like you actually _told_ me where we're going, or anything!" Dan complained, motioning out to the road with his hand.

"Just drive! I'm sure _something_ will turn up!" Pinkie insisted, pointing out towards the road.

Dan sighed. "Fine! But it's not like we're just going to drive past a bakery that has a big 'Now Hiring!' sign in front of it, or like…just opened and has a pushover owner that's going to let you change everything!"

"What about that place?" Pinkie asked, pointing to a small building that read 'Wally's Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins', complete with a 'Grand Opening' and a large 'Now Hiring!' sign posted in the window.

Dan paused, blinked a few times, sighed, and pulled the car into the almost completely empty parking lot. "Stupid, insanely lucky roommate." He muttered to himself.

Pinkie merely flashed Dan a dazzling, toothy smile.

Dan furrowed his brow at her. "Okay, but it's not like the owner is just going to let you start throwing out ingredients and start making your own stuff." Dan insisted. "Wait…" Dan took another look at the bakery's title '_**Wally's**_'?"

"Oh! Like the guy who runs the Emporium of Hardware and Explosives?!" Pinkie said, her face lighting up. "He's _super _nice to me!"

"_Only_ because you buy so many explosives from him…and you always pay in cash!" Dan looked back to the store, narrowing his eyes slightly and rubbing his chin. "_Still_, it doesn't seem like _two _Wallys would name their store practically the same thing."

Pinkie threw open her door, exited the car, and excitedly began hopping from one foot to the next. "Well?! Are you coming or not! This is going to be fun!"

Dan rolled his eyes and twirled an index finger in the air. "Yay, job hunting." He responded sarcastically as he exited the car.

"Ahhh, come on!" Pinkie said with a smile. "At the very least, I'm sure Wally will be happy to see us."

Dan sighed and trudged after Pinkie who began bounding towards the store entrance.

Pinkie grabbed the glass door by its metal handle and swung it open, causing a small bell affixed to the top to ring. "Have no fear, your new _baker_ is here!" Pinkie announced to a room full of empty seats and tables. "Uhhh…" Pinkie darted her head from side to side, attempting to find someone, _anyone_.

Dan leisurely walked in after her. "Yeesh, this place is deader than my grandma." He commented.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. "How dead is that?"

"The sort of dead you confirm with a pulse check and a few, hard kicks to the torso just to be safe." Dan replied.

The two paused as they heard a noise from behind the counter. A large, balding, overweight man emerged from a back room; wearing glasses, a yellow shirt, brown pants, red tie, all covered by a white apron; and stood in front of the register.

"Oh! Hi, Pinkie! Hi, Dan."

"Hiya, Wally!" Pinkie responded, enthusiastically waving.

"What's with the bakery?" Dan asked with suspicion in his tone. "Are you closing down the hardware and explosives emporium…_again_!?"

"Oh, my no! The explosive business is booming!"

Pinkie and Wally shared a giggle while Dan folded his arms and rolled his eyes.

"Mostly due to you, too, though." Wally added. "In fact, business has been so good, I've decided to expand!"

"Like you _need_ to get any bigger..." Dan mumbled. "OW!" Dan rubbed his arm, courtesy of hard punch Pinkie delivered into it.

"Dan! Be nice!" Pinkie whispered.

"Yeah, yeah…"

"So, what brings you two in today? We have both cupcakes and muffins for all your baked good desires." Wally stated with a smile.

Dan raised an eyebrow. "And by, 'we' you mean…"

Wally sighed, "I mean me."

"I was about to say, I've seen fenced off archaeological dig sites with more activity than here…" Dan turned towards Pinkie and quickly put his hands up defensively. "Don't hit, _**it's true**_!"

Pinkie lowered her first. "Okay…well…you still shouldn't be so _blunt_ about these things."

"It's okay, Pinkie, he's right. I've been open a few days and the customers have really dried up in that time."

"Well, I know what will cheer you up!" Pinkie declared, taking her wallet out of her Pink bag and pulling out a $5 bill. "One cupcake, please!"

"Oh, what kind?" Wally asked with a small smile.

Pinkie gave Wally a closed eye smile and shrugged. "Surprise me!"

Wally grabbed a chocolate cupcake from the display case and handed it to Pinkie.

Pinkie took the cupcake with a smile and began to take a bite.

Dan walked up to the counter and leaned his back against it, supporting himself with his elbows. "Big mistake, buddy."

"What?" Wally turned to Dan. "She doesn't like chocolate?" Wally asked.

Dan shook his head. "She rarely likes _anything _she hasn't baked herself. I think Ninja Dave is one of the few bakers or _would-be_ bakers I haven't seen her chew out. We'll be lucky if she stops screaming within an hour."

Pinkie swallowed the bit of cupcake in her mouth. "Oh, it's okay Dan. I won't scream at Wally."

Dan raised an eyebrow. "Wait, so you actually liked it?"

"Uhhh…no, not really…" She looked back at Wally. "Sorry…" She said with a pensive grin.

Wally sighed. "It's okay, I'm still learning..."

"Wellll," Pinkie began. "The cocoa powder is of substandard quality, it's too sweet, probably because the chocolate chips have more sugar than necessary; you clearly used fake vanilla extract; and the egg content is a little light." Pinkie explained.

"Uh…you can tell all that just from a bite?" Wally asked skeptically.

Pinkie smiled wide as she sat down the partially eaten cupcake. "Yeppers! And that's why you should hire me!" Pinkie said, enthusiastically smiling until all her teeth where visible.

"Hmmmm…I don't know, no offense, but you two buy an awful a lot of explosives from me…"

Dan raised an eyebrow. "You ever use that mini-nuke on the in-laws?"

"Uhhh….point taken." Wally said, toweling at his brow with a handkerchief. He turned back to Pinkie. "Do you have any experience?"

"I used to work and _live_ at a bakery!" Pinkie responded cheerfully.

"References?" Wally asked.

"Oh well, I can grab my mirror and I'm _sure _Twilight could grab one of the Cakes to mphp hmphfff hmm…" Pinkie glanced down at Dan who was holding a hand over Pinkie's mouth.

"Just hire her!" Dan insisted. "You'll _never_ find a better baker."

Wally held his chin in thumb and forefinger and considered this. "Well, maybe if you come back some with something you've baked…"

Pinkie happily produced a rainbow colored cupcake as Dan removed his hand from her mouth.

"…Where did you pull that from?" Wally asked.

"I have _no _idea!" Pinkie responded merrily.

Wally eyed the colorful cupcake suspiciously and tentatively took a bite.

"…then we'll pass out fliers! And once we're back from the farmer's market, I'll spend the next few hours creating dyes and baking goodies while Dan decorates outside!" Pinkie said clapping her hands excitedly.

Wally shook his head, clearing away a euphoric sensation that was completely overwhelming his senses.

"What just happened?!" Wally asked.

Dan raised an eyebrow, having returned to his spot against the counter. "You went into some sort of ecstatic, cupcake coma."

"I did?"

"Yeah…then you hired Pinkie on the spot and agreed to everything she said." Dan explained.

"Oh dear…is that why the display case is empty?"

"Yeah…Pinkie closed shop and pretty much trashed everything…including a fair amount of your ingredients."

Wally sponged at his perspiring forehead with his handkerchief. "I hope she knows what she's doing."

Dan shrugged. "Usually she doesn't." Dan stated "But she spends hours baking almost every day, so you're probably fine. _Gha_!" Dan felt something grab is hand and before he knew it, Pinkie was dragging him towards the door.

"Come on, Dan! We got a lot of work to do." Pinkie dragged her roommate out the door, and turned back to Wally.

"But farmer markets are full of hippies!" Dan protested.

Once Pinkie had dragged Dan outside, she turned back to Wally. "Bye-Bye, new boss!" She said with a smile.

Wally offered a small wave as Pinkie closed the door behind her. "I'll er…just stay here, then…"

-ooooo-

"Come to _Wally's Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins_! All natural ingredients and the smiles are free!" Pinkie said, enthusiastically passing a flier out to a Farmer's market attendee.

"Come to Wally's Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins or you'll die alone in a gutter…sooner rather than later." Dan said, grumpily passing out a flier.

"Hello! You look like a man who's desperate for quality baked goods!" Pinkie said, passing out another flier.

"Hey, you…yeah, winner of this year's worst dressed competition." Dan said to a large woman wearing a white t-shirt and bright pink, zebra striped sweatpants."Come to _Wally's Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins _or I'll string up that goofy looking dog by its harness."

The woman shot Dan a glare. "That's my _child_!"

Dan handed her a flier. "Whatever! My threat still stands! Go to the cupcake shop, _fatty_! You know you can't pass up sugary baked goods."

The woman sighed. "Well…you got me there."

"All natural, baked daily muffins and cupcakes at Wally's!" Pinkie said, enthusiastically passing out another flier.

"You look like a filthy tree hugger." Dan said to a large man with a large, brown beard, long brown hair, and a tie-dyed shirt. "Come to Wally's and eat of nature's goodness, then gloat to all your friends that you're eating better than them and therefore _**are**_ better than them!"

The large man happily took a flier. "Finally, a place that understands _me!_"

"Come to _Wally's Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins." _Pinkie said hanging out a flier. "Wow, you're actually pretty good at this!" She exclaimed to Dan.

Dan shrugged. "You just gotta learn the right leverage with people." Dan turned to another farmer's market patron.

"You! Come to _Wally's Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins, _or one night you will hear something from your closet in the middle of the pitch black darkness. You'll dismiss it, of course, because hey," Dan put up his hands in a small shrug, "monsters don't _really _exist. But you'll be wrong, _dead _wrong. And as you drift back off to sleep, your eyes will shoot open and the last thing you'll see is my grinning face as I hold an axe aloft in my hands. As I bring it down on your terrified, screaming face, your last thoughts will be: 'If only I had purchased a muffin.'"

"_Sniff…sob_…_**MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM**_!" A young boy with brownish red hair sitting under a red, white, and yellow beanie with a green propeller screamed.

'_**POW'**_

Dan felt something fast and hard impact his face and he tumbled to the ground.

"Button, sweetie! Are you alright?" The brown haired woman who had just delivered a haymaker to Dan's face asked, lowering herself to the crying child's level.

Pinkie helped Dan to his feet. "Err…that seemed a bit…_excessive_." She said to Dan.

"What! Aggressive marketing, baby!" Dan insisted, rubbing his cheek as it began to swell.

"_Mo__**o**__o__**o**__o__**o**__o__**o**__o__**m**_, I need a muffin!" The boy wailed.

"_Sigh_…Of course sweetie…"

Dan handed the woman a flier. "Best muffins in town! Guaranteed to keep the axe murders at bay!"

The woman angrily snatched the flier and jabbed Dan in the nose.

"Ow!" Dan exclaimed, rubbing his nose as the woman stormed off.

"I mean, I really, really, really _**neeeed**_a muffin from _Wally's Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins_!"

"Of course dear…" The woman said in an exasperated tone.

"See, Pinkie? Leverage!" Dan said motioning out to the woman and her child. "So, we done yet?" Dan asked.

"One more!" Pinkie said happily holding up a flier.

"YAY! MUFFINS!" A blond haired, cross-eyed woman exclaimed snatching the flier from Pinkie's hand before said woman careened into a nearby farmer market's stand with a startled. "Wah!"

"Now are we done?" An impatient Dan asked his pink haired roomie.

Pinkie smiled. "Not quite! Now we have to actually get ingredients!"

Dan sighed. "Joy" He said sarcastically, as Pinkie grabbed him by the hand and dragged him off to a nearby stall.

-ooooo-

Dan wiped the sweat from his brow and descended a tall ladder, hammer in hand.

Dan surveyed the large 'Grand reopening banner' surrounded by balloons then looked across the parking lot. Likewise, it was covered in balloons, not to mention streamers, and all sorts of bright decorations.

"There," Dan said to himself. "It looks like a kid's birthday party collided with a circus and left no survivors. Pinkie would be pleased."

"Hey, Dan."

Dan turned to see Wally approach him from the store and hand him two $20 bills.

Surprised, Dan took the money. "Wally…are you paying _me_?!"

"Well, sure." Wally said. "You worked really hard today."

Dan looked around the lot. "Uh…I guess I did…"

_What the heck is that woman doing to me?!_

Wally gave Dan a small smile. "Thanks Dan. You two really came through today."

Dan rubbed the back of his head. "Don't mention it."

"No, seriously! This place looks great!" Wally insisted, motioning out to the parking lot.

"Really, don't mention it." Dan said, narrowing his eyes slightly. "This is starting to feel weird."

"Heh, sure Dan." Wally said turning back to the store. He raised a hand as he walked away. "See you around."

Dan sighed, stuffed the money into his wallet, and started walking to his car.

"Dan! Wait!"

Dan turned just in time to get a front row seat to a pink blur crash into him with a crushing embrace. "You weren't going to leave without saying goodbye, where you?"

"Uh, of course not." Dan said, returning the embrace. Dan took a look at what Pinkie was wearing and sighed. "I'm covered in flower now, aren't I?"

"Oops…" Pinkie held Dan at arm's length. There was a Dan shaped imprint on her apron and half of Dan's face as well as his chest was now covered in white powder. "Sorry, Dan…"

Dan simply shook his head. "It's okay, I'll clean up when I get home."

"Hey…" Pinkie said, leaning in and giving Dan's cheek a quick peck as she reached for his hands. "Thank you for helping make this come true for me." She said, with a warm smile as she gave Dan's hands a squeeze.

Dan's face flushed. "Of course, Pinkie."

_KISS HER!_

_I'm gonna! Just…give me a minute._

_YER MAKING ME MAD, RUNT! KISS THAT GIRL!_

"Er…Pinkie?"

"Yes, Dan?"

"Uhhh…"

_**KISS HER, YOU WIMP!**_

_Shut up, subconscious! This isn't as easy as it looks!_

_**YOU KISS THAT GIRL THIS INSTANT!**_

Dan began to lean in and up towards his roommates face, closing his eyes as he did so.

Pinkie smiled and leaned down, also closing her eyes.

The two pursed their lips as Wally threw open the door to the shop and shouted. "Er, Pinkie? One of the ovens is beeping."

Dan and Pinkie synchronized smacking palms against their own faces.

Pinkie moved her fingers to stare out at Dan. "Hey, come see me if you get lonely, okay?"

Dan removed his hand and chuckled. "Lonely? I finally have time to catch up on T.V." He joked.

Pinkie giggled and gave Dan's hand a squeeze. "Still! You know where to find me." She said as she bounded off towards the store, waving as she went.

Dan waved back.

_**YOU BLEW IT PIPSQUEAK! YOU'RE A LOOSER AND SHE'S NEVER GOING TO LIKE YOU THE WAY YOU LIKE HERE.**_

_NOW LISTEN HERE, YOU SIMPERING LITTLE VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD. __**I AM**__**DAN MANDEL**__! __**I AM VENGEANCE INCARNATE**__, AND I HAVE __**DECLARED WAR ON LOVE**__! PINKIE PIE __**WILL BE MINE! OH YES, SHE WILL BE MINE!**__ AND I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES WE GET INTERRUPTED BY MONSTERS, PEOPLE BEING MURDERED, OR JUST RANDOM PEOPLE WALKING IN AT INOPPORTUNE TIMES! __**DO YOU HEAR ME?! **__WHEN I'M DONE, PINKIE WILL BE UTTERLY CONSUMED WITH THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS FOR ME! __**I SWEAR IT!**_

_**Heh, alright kid. You got moxie, I'll give you that. I'll leave you to it.**_

_YOU'RE __**DAMN RIGHT**__, YOU WILL!_

Dan sighed. "I wish I just knew how…" he muttered to himself. "Ask my neighbor for a love potion? No, knowing him, Pinkie would grow 50 feet and probably have to fight a giant radioactive lizard…Kill all her enemies and present their heads to her on pikes? Wait…Pinkie doesn't _have_ enemies."

Dan shook his head as he walked to the car.

_This is going to be harder than I thought…_


	49. Chapter 42

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 7 Dan Vs. Love Chapter 42 Dan Vs. Boredom

-ooooo-

Dan sighed as he pulled his car out of the bakery parking lot.

_It's fine, you can do this._

_You lived by yourself for years!_

_It's no big deal._

_It's fine, everything is fine…_

_Still, it's a long, lonely drive back to the apartment._

…

_No wait, there it is._

Dan parked his car in front of the building and exited. Sighing as he walked up the steps and sighing as he unlocked the apartment door and walked into the apartment.

"Meow?" Mr. Mumbles said.

"Mr. Mumbles!" Dan said, throwing his arms out wide. "Come here! Give daddy a big, snuggly hug!"

"Merow?" Mr. Mumbled complied, running up to Dan and jumping up into his chest as Dan wrapped his arms around her.

"Dwaaaa…who's a good kitty? Who's a good kitty?! _Who's a good kitty?_! _Who'sagoodkitty?_! _**Whosagoodkitty?!**_"

"Meow?"

"Of course it's you! You're a good kitty! **You'reagoodkitty!** _**Youragoodkitty!"**_

"Meow, mew?"

"She's working. She'll be back later." Dan explained, holding Mr. Mumbles out at arm's length.

"Meow meow?"

"NO! I don't miss her! I just saw her like five minutes ago!" Dan said, mild irritation creeping into his voice.

"Meow merow?"

"What! That's stupid! I'll be fine! I've spent years living alone!" Dan insisted.

"Meow merow, _prrrrrr_."

"I'm waiting for the right moment, okay?!"

"Meow meow!"

Dan brought Mr. Mumbles closer to his face. "You don't know that for sure!" Dan gave an exasperated sigh. "You know what! I feel great! It'll be nice to finally have some quiet around here! Now if you'll _excuse_ me I have some TV to watch!" Dan declared, sitting on the couch and sitting Mr. Mumbles down next to him.

Dan grabbed a large, rectangular TV remote and turned on the large, flat screen television. Noises of violence erupted from the speakers.

"But, Johnny! There's not enough room in the orphanage after you launched all the idiotic parents into the sun!" A woman's voice called out.

"That's, okay! I know how make _extra_ room!" A heroic voice called out.

The sound of children screaming erupted from the speakers as machine gun fire was heard.

Dan sighed. "Seen it."

He changing the channel.

"And we now return to Apocalyptic Alien Secrets of the Past on the History Channel!"

"Lame." Dan exclaimed, changing the channel again.

"And we're back with _real people_ who live stranger lives than _you_!"

"Doubt it." Dan said, changing the channel again.

A soothing, male voice called out of the speakers. "…the city council has assured that what everyone _thought_ was a luminescent radioactive gas that caused people's hair to fall out and skin to melt, was _really_ just a nutritional deficiency caused by not eating enough delicious, locally grown, imaginary corn chips. Buy a bag for your family! And, assuming your jaw did not rot and fall off due to dangerously low levels of imaginary corn chips, throw another one in for yourself, listener! _You're worth _it!"

"And now, the weather."

Dan sighed again and changed the channels. He began rapidly flipping through them with a bored expression, barely even paying attention to what was on screen.

"Figures." He mumbled out. "I finally get the sometime to myself and there's nothing but mind numbingly stupid shows on!"

Dan stared down at the video game system in front of the TV and looked over to Mr. Mumbles. "Would you like to play some games with me?" Dan asked with a hopeful tone.

"Merow!" Mr. Mumbles responded enthusiastically.

*Ten minutes later*

"MEREOW! HISSS! MEROW!"

"WHY, MR MUMBLES, WHY!" Dan cried as he pried the irate cat from off his face.

'_Tink, tink'_

"_Hello? Is this darn thing on?"_

Dan looked towards the small, closed compact mirror on the crate that served as the apartment's makeshift coffee table and dove for it, quickly opening it and bringing up to his face.

"Hello! Dan speaking." He said happily into the mirror.

"Uh…Howdy partner…your um…bleedin' there." Applejack answered, raising an eyelid as her ears perked up.

"It happens!" Dan said smiling, shrugging a bit.

"You're bleedin' a mighty lot." Applejack insisted, pointing at Dan with a forehoof.

"Yeah, forehead cuts. They do that." Dan responded.

Applejack rolled her eyes, "Er, Look Dan…is Pinkie around?"

"Nope." Dan said, his grin starting to turn devilish. "She's at work for the next several hours! It's just you and me Crackerjack."

Applejack's eyes narrowed and her ears dropped slightly. "Applejack."

"Whatever!" Dan said dismissively.

"Wait, Pinkie Pie got a job?" Applejack asked.

Dan sighed. "Yeah, hired as of today…" He said trailing off.

"Ah, so you're just there on your lonesome, eh?"

"I'M NOT LONELY!" Dan screamed at the orange, blonde maned pony through the mirror in his hand.

Applejack gritted her teeth as her hat slid backwards a bit, "Uh…sure, partner, whatever you say…" Applejack replied, fixing her hat back into place.

"Soooo? Want a staring competition rematch?" Dan asked opening his eyes wide.

Applejack closed her eyes and shook her head. "Sorry partner, I actually called you up on this here magic doohickey to tell you something."

Dan pointed his free hand at himself and put on a 'Who, me?' expression.

"I think you're confused." Dan said. "You seem to be having some sort of horrible hallucinations where you've confused me for a girl with big, beautiful, eyes, the color of a cloudless sky on a bright, sunny day and long, gorgeous, curly pink hair, like cotton candy drifting wistfully on a cool, spring breeze."

Applejack smirked. "You writing poetry for Pinkie Pie, partner?"

"Uh…I mean her hair is stupid and I hate it…also _shut up_…I suggest you hit your head against something hard repeatedly until your vision clears." Dan said informatively, leveling an index finger at Applejack.

Applejack maintained her smirk as she rolled her eyes. "Lookie here, Dan. I just need to know if Pinkie told you what day it is in a couple weeks."

Dan sighed. "You mean her stupid, pet alligator's birthday? She hasn't shut up about that. I think she's making me wear a series of pointy hats that she expects me to swap out every ten minutes while I wave at this stupid mirror."

Applejack raised an eyelid again, and her ears once again perked up. "She didn't happen to mentioned what happens on the day afterwards, di'she?"

"The same stupid alligator's stupid after party." Dan responded.

Applejack smacked a forehoof against her face.

"What!" Dan protested. "Am I right, or am I right?!"

"No, not you, partner." Applejack said, taking off her hat and rubbing the back of her head. "Pinkie Pie does this every year!"

"Throw stupid parties for a dumb reptile with a vacant expression on its face?" Dan asked.

"I meant, aside from that!" Applejack insisted, putting her hat back on.

"Well! Spit it out! I haven't got all day, Apple Strudel."

"Applejack!" The orange earth pony insisted. "Apple Strudel is my great uncle!"

"Are you going to be pedantic, or are you going to tell me what you were going to say?!" Dan demanded.

Applejack sighed. "The day after Gummy's birthday is Pinkie's Birthday."

Dan paused. "WHAT?! Why didn't she say something to me?"

"Honestly, partner? She's probably so focused on Gummy's parties she's completely forgotten about her own."

"This is perfect!" Dan announced.

"Uh, it is?" Applejack asked.

"Sure! I throw Pinkie and big party, buy her an **awesome** gift, and she'll _have_ to fall in love with me!"

Applejack paused, a giant grin slowly eroded her serious demeanor and spread across her face.

Dan's eyes went wide as he looked back at the mirror. "Uh I mean…Pinkie is _hopeless_ and she needs me to take care of her!"

Applejack's grin widened. "Is that a fact?"

"I umm…"

"Listen Dan, I get the impression you don't have a lot of experience with women folk."

"What are you talking about? Girls love me!" Dan insisted.

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Sure they do, partner. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't throw Pinkie a happenin' hoedown of a shindig, or get her something mighty nice, but have you ever considered telling her how you feel?"

Dan sighed. "Mr. Mumbles said the exact same thing."

"Uhhh…yer cat?"

"Merow!" Mr. Mumbles replied from the couch cushion.

"Hey! No ganging up on me!" Dan said to Mr. Mumbles. "Besides, what if she doesn't feel the same way about me?!"

"…Yer serious?" Applejack asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Look, to the untrained eye, I'm sure Pinkie seems very easy to understand, but Pinkie is like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a gorgeous, hour-glass shaped body, with hair of long, flowing curls and, slender, feminine hands made of smooth silk and …"

"Uh, Dan? Come back to us partner. You're starting to drift off."

"Ah, right…where was I?"

Applejack turned as the noise of an opening door was heard.

"Oh! Hey Applejack." Twilight called out.

"Hey, A.J." Spike said.

"Howdy, Twilight! Hiya, Spike!"

Dan's eyes widened once more and he brought the mirror close to his face. "You can't say a word about this to anyone! Understand?"

Applejack smiled and nodded. "My lips sealed tighter than the lids to Granny Smith's apple-honey jam jars."

"Promise?" Dan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Promise." Applejack replied.

"Promise what, A.J.?" Spike enquired, walking into the view of the mirror, followed by Twilight. "Oh! Hey, Accidental Arson Bro!"

"Spike!" Dan exclaimed trying act natural. "My main man! My main _dragon_ man! How's it going?"

"Great!" Spike exclaimed. "How about you, buddy?"

"Oh, you know me! Awesome 24/7, 365 days of the year."

"Dan, what happened to your face?" Twilight asked with just the tiniest hint of concern. "You've got tiny lacerations all over it!"

"Oh, I just beat Mr. Mumbles at video games a little too much."

"Mrrr_**rrrr**_…" Mr. Mumbles growled from the seat next to Dan.

"So," Dan continued, "Spike! Start any fires lately?"

Spike smiled as Twilight smacked a forehoof against her face.

"Well, actually, me and the CMC…" Spike began.

"CMC?" Dan interrupted.

"He means tha Cutie Mark Crusaders." Applejack informed. "My sister and her two friends."

"Oh yeah, the obnoxiously cute trio." Dan replied.

"So, anyways," Spike continued enthusiastically. "They tried to get their cutie marks in building demolition! And I helped!" Spike said proudly.

"Sweet! How'd that turn out?" Dan asked.

Twilight put a hoof over Spike's mouth. "They burned down a coffee shop that was closing down."

"Radical." Dan replied with a toothy smile.

"They started the fire before everypony was _out _of the coffee shop!" Twilight added angrily.

Dan thought about this for a second and responded, "I stand by my earlier statement."

"UuuhHHLG!" Twilight replied in frustration.

Applejack shot Dan a weary look. "Now where in tarnation would they get an idea like that from?"

"Oh, please!" Dan replied, he waved his hand about dismissively. "Like they haven't done worse _without_ my helpful and well-meaning guidance."

"Uhh…well…you got me there, partner…" Applejack admitted sheepishly.

"So what's this about a promise?" Spike asked again.

"Uhh…" Dan merely trailed off.

"Dan promised he'd throw a big birthday shindig for Pinkie Pie!" Applejack announced.

"Right, that is totally what I promised. That thing. A birthday party. A birthday party for Pinkie Pie…and nothing else." Dan added.

_Ha! They suspect nothing!_

Applejack grinned nervously as Spike and Twilight Sparkle fixed Dan with looks that suggested that they suspected something.

_They're on to me!_

"Oh my! Look at the time! Gotta go!" Dan declared as he began to shut the mirror.

"Dan, wait!" Twilight exclaimed.

'_Click'_

"_Meow?" _

"It's okay, Mr. Mumbles." Dan insisted. "Those ponies with their offensive color schemes are gone!"

'_Zap'_

"Dan! Dan, I still need to talk to you!" Twilight called out.

Dan turned in the direction of the bathroom. "Oh, what lunacy is this?!"

Dan trudged into the bathroom where Twilight, Spike, and Applejack stared back at him from the bathroom mirror.

"Oh, _COME ON_!" Dan shouted. "I thought you could only bug me through Pinkie's magic mirror!" Dan insisted.

Twilight shook her head. "Pinkie's mirror isn't magic!" Twilight explained. "It was just the closest mirror to her when we found her and… DAN! Wait! Put down the sledgehammer!" Twilight pleaded, holding up her forehoofs in a 'Stop!' expression.

Dan paused as he held the sledgehammer above his head. "Make it good, Sparkler."

Twilight sighed. "Look, I just wanted to know if you'd let us throw a little party for Pinkie, too. When you're done with her, that is."

Dan lowered the sledgehammer. "Uh…and 'done with her', you mean..?"

Twilight knitted her eyes towards each other. "Done with your party, of course. Why? What did you _think_ I meant?"

"Nothing!" Dan said, holding up his hands and letting go of the sledgehammer, dropping it directly onto his foot. "OW!" Dan picked up his injured foot and began hopping up and down on his good leg to the chorus of giggles from the trio watching him through the bathroom mirror. Dan shot them all a glare, and they stifled their giggles, but remained smiling.

"Fine, Sparkler. When I'm done throwing her an amazing, awesome _human _party; she can have a stupid, lame _pony_ party with you losers."

Twilight closed her eyes and smiled. "That's all I wanted!" She opened her eyes again. "Thanks, Dan."

"Yeah, yeah. Just give me my bathroom mirror back! This is creeping me out." Dan declared.

"Sure, Dan. See you later!"

"Later, Partner!"

"Catch you later, Accidental Arson Bro!"

Dan waved as the ponies and baby dragon disappeared in a purple flash and he was left staring at his own reflection.

_Alright, now to get Pinkie the perfect gift…_

…

…_I have no idea what the perfect gift would be…_

Dan walked out of the bathroom, and grabbed his rectangular phone out of his pocket. He dialed a number with incredible speed.

"Hey, Dan!" A chipper voice answered from the other line.

"Chris! I need you to stop whatever ridiculous thing you're doing and come pick me up, _toot sweet_!" Dan demanded into the phone.

"I'm not doing anything, Dan." Chris replied.

"Well, stop it!"

"Uh…I can't really stop doing nothing…Unless I actually do _something_." Chris replied.

"Oh well…you can stop it by coming to pick me up, I guess."

"Okay Dan! See you in just a bit!" Chris replied happily.

"AND STOP YOUR INSUFFERABLE WHINING!" Dan yelled, hanging up the phone.

…_What do girls like?_

_Uh, Medieval weapons? No, Pinkie has dozens of those, already…_

_Makeup? Naw…Pinkie's perfect the way she is…_

_Firearms? Hmm…I think Pinkie is the up close and personal type…_

_Why does everything have to be so difficult?! _


	50. Chapter 43

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Part 7 Dan Vs. Love Chapter 43 Dan Vs. Unemployment

-ooooo-

Dan waited impatiently by the curb as a blue sedan pulled up and stopped in front of him. He quickly opened the passenger side door and entered the car and immediately began fuming at the driver.

"_**What took you so long?!" **_Dan demanded.

"I came soon as you called!" Chris insisted. "Traffic got really bad as I got to your place, though. I had to take a few detours."

"Decreasing the cyclist population of Van Nuys in the process, no doubt." Dan responded.

"Ha ha." Chris replied sarcastically. "Where are we going, anyway?"

"We are going to _places_ that sell _things_." Dan replied.

Chris raised an eyebrow. "You mean, 'stores' could you _maybe_, oh, I don't know, be more _specific_?"

"Shut up, idiot face, I don't know what I need yet." Dan explained.

Chris sighed and started driving. "So, where's Pinkie?"

Dan sighed. "Working."

Chris paused. "Wait…like…at a _job_?"

"Yes genius, that's usually what one means when one says someone is 'working'." Dan replied.

"Why does Pinkie need a job?! She has all the money she could ever want!" Chris exclaimed.

"That's what I said!" Dan replied. "But Pinkie said something about feeling anxious and empty not doing anything with herself, or something ridiculously stupid like that."

"Are you sure she just wasn't trying to get away from you? OW!" Chris rubbed the arm Dan had just delivered a solid punch into.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence buddy, and yes. I'm sure she didn't do it just to get away from me." Dan replied with sullen look on his face and folding his arms.

"Why's that?"

"Because I _asked_ her and she says she 'loved' spending time with me!" Dan said, his expression drifting towards a wistful look.

"Oh…uh…are you sure she just didn't just say that to spare your fee…OW!" Chris rubbed the side of his stomach.

"Yes, jerk brain, I'm _sure_! Pinkie is a _horrible_ liar!" Dan stated.

"Oh…right."

"What is it with you and assuming she'd try to get away from me, anyway?"

Chris flashed Dan a 'Seriously?' look. "You're not exactly the easiest guy to be around all the time. You're like befriending an angry, hyperactive Chihuahua."

"What are you _**talking**_ about?! I'm awesome!" Dan declared, motioning out with his hands. "And you could at _least _think of a better breed of dog like a Schnauzer or Pug." Dan added.

"Huh, never pegged you for a Pug guy. Why do you need some vague, unspecified thing, anyhow?" Chris asked motioning out with a palm.

"Pinkie's birthday is coming up." Dan explained.

"…and you're going to get her something?" Chris asked in a surprised tone.

"Yes Chris, that's how birthdays work. You buy gifts for the people you lov…I mean _like_."

"You never get _me _anything!" Chris said.

Dan raised an eyebrow. "Do I even _need_ to say anything?"

Chris sighed. "Walked right into that one…" Chris's face brightened a bit. "So, are you having a party?"

"Of course I'm having a party! It's Pinkie! I'm pretty sure she goes into a coma if she goes too long without a party."

"When is it?"

"May 3rd. Be there or your life is forfeit…also bring that woman that lives with you. Pinkie likes her for some strange, inexplicable reason."

"You mean, Elise?" Chris said, rolling his eyes. "You can just say her name, you know."

Dan put an index finger up to his own lips. "Shhh…Saying her name gives her power."

"Dan, my wife is not Voldemort." Chris responded with narrowed eyes.

"Actually, I was thinking 'Betelgeuse'," Dan informed, "but yours was sad and pathetic, congratulations."

"Harry Potter is _not _pathetic!" Chris insisted. He gave an exasperated sigh. "Look, do you know where we're going yet? I'm pretty much just wasting gas at this point!"

Dan grumbled, pulled out his wallet, and handed Chris a $5 bill. "There, you big baby. Now stop moaning and help me figure out what to get Pinkie."

"…Dan, did you just hand me money?!" Chris said in genuine shock.

"I don't want you getting any credit for _my _present!" Dan exclaimed.

"Wait…So you're going to buy Pinkie a gift…with your own money? You're not even using _her_ money to buy a gift for her?!" Chris exclaimed

"What kind of idiot borrows money from someone just to buy a gift for them?"

Chris rolled his eyes. "Gee, I _wonder_."

"Anyways, I'm still working out an idea…do girls like flame throwers?"

"Uhh…usually _not_, I'd imagine…though somehow every girl I know probably does…" Chris said, quietly reexamining his life choices.

"Wait, stop here!" Dan commanded.

Chris pulled the car next to a parking meter and a palm tree as Dan threw open his door, quickly put some change into the meter, and ran towards the store they had parked in front of.

"Dan! That's the Antique Mall! Don't tell me you're warring on the past, again!" Chris exclaimed.

Dan ran into the antique store as Chris stayed by the car, waiting to see Dan smash any number of the various plate, vases, or knick-knacks visible from the store windows.

Instead, Dan slowly exited the store looking crestfallen, without so much the sound of any glass breaking.

"Dan, what's wrong?"

Dan sighed and pointed to an item in the store; an oval, full length mirror with a silver frame with an intricate silver etched butterfly adorning the top, all attached to a metal stand that held it upright. "Eight-hundred bucks."

Chris whistled. "A bit out of your price range, I'm guessing."

Dan looked up and glared at Chris. "No, I've decided. That _will _be Pinkie's Birthday present."

"Wait, you're not going to _steal _it are you?!"

Dan rolled his eyes. "Yes Chris. I'm going to steal it," He answered sarcastically, "because I _want _Pinkie falling in love with me to blow up in my face when she finds out the perfect gift was acquired through illegal means."

Chris's eyes went wide. "Wait, what did you say?!"

Dan's face flushed and he looked around nervously, "Uhhh…That I wasn't going to steal the mirror…"

"AFTER THAT!"

"…That Pinkie would be disappointed if she found out I stole her gift." Dan offered.

"No, in between those two things you said."

"Erm…'blow up'."

Chris narrowed his eyes. "Before that."

"'Pinkie'?" Dan offered with a hopeful tone.

"Now the five words immediately after that."

Dan sighed. "'Falling in love with me'…" He answered.

Chris nodded and smiled. "So, buying an Eight-hundred dollar mirror is part of some sort of scheme to make Pinkie fall in love with you."

Dan grumbled out a "Pretty much…"

"Have you considered telling her how you feel?"

"Why does _everyone_ keep saying that to me?!" Dan responded throwing his arms out in a frustrated manner.

"Probably because it's the _sane_ way to approach the situation?"

"Look! Maybe all you lightweights are satisfied with your stupid notions of explaining your feelings and hoping for the best, but my victory over love will be complete! I will conquer my enemy completely with this gift, then bask in my total domination!" Dan declared. He paused. "Which in this case probably means lots and lots of smoochees."

"You're trying to beat love?" Chris asked with a raised eyebrow.

"At its _own_ game, no less!" Dan declared with a giant grin. "The best _kind_ of victory!" He added, quickly pointing an index finger in Chris's direction.

"Dan, I really think you'll have an easier time of this if you just talk to Pinkie. She obviously already likes you."

"Oh please, like there are ways of telling if a girl likes you!" Dan said dismissively.

Chris rolled his eyes. "Yes, Dan. _In fact_, there _are _ways of telling if a girl likes you."

Dan cocked an eyebrow. "Really? Do tell."

"Okay, you know how Pinkie acts around you?"

"Sure." Dan answered with a skeptical tone.

"That. _**Exactly**_ like that!" Chris responded, emphatically motioning out with an index finger.

"Oh please, she's like that with everybody!" Dan insisted.

"Dan! She doesn't grab ahold of _my_ arm, or flutter her eyelids at _me_, or give _me_ pecks on the cheek."

"That's just because you already have she-who-shall-not-be-named to do that stuff."

Chris raised an eyebrow. "I thought you said Harry Potter references where lame."

"No! I said 'sad and pathetic', also stop talking." Dan sighed. "Look, I know what I have to do." He declared.

"Find and marry a rich, dying woman and hope she kicks the bucket within two weeks?" Chris suggested.

"No, you complete moro…actually, you know what?" Dan's expression softened and he pointed at Chris. "Plan 'B'".

"Okay, if not that, then what then?"

Dan sighed. "I need…_**a job**_."

-ooooo-

Dan stared out the window as Chris continued to drive.

"So…this is your plan to get a job? Just…me driving around until you find something?"

"SHUT IT, YOU COMPLETE MORON! IT'S WORKED FOR ME SO FAR TODAY!" Dan yelled.

"Whoa… are you okay? That was pretty vitriolic, even by _your_ standards." Chris insisted.

"I'm FINE! Alright, king dufus?! Just on my way to become a wage slave! Nothing wrong with that!"

"You aren't missing Pinkie, are you?"

"I SAID I WAS FINE DIDN'T I!? Geez! I saw her like…one hour, forty-one minutes, and thirty-five seconds ago! It's not like I'm obsessed or anything."

"Right…what was I thinking…" Chris responded, rolling his eyes.

"STOP THE CAR!"

Chris made an alarmed sound and slammed the brakes.

"Uh, Dan? That's just someone's house." Chris said, looking out the window at a fairly typical looking Southern California beige house with hedges in front of it.

"I know that! Open the trunk." Dan ordered.

Chris knitted his brow. "Sure…" He responded, hitting a button next to the steering wheel.

Dan quickly exited the car, walked to the back, dove into the trunk, and reemerged holding a large, metal tire iron.

Chris exited the car with a perplexed look as Dan walked up to a mailbox with a plastic cover that made it look like a large green and white largemouth bass and began smashing the heck out of it with the tire iron in his hands.

"Dan?! What are you doing?!" Chris called out in an alarmed tone.

"I _**HATE**_ FISH MAILBOXES!" Dan declared ragefully, continue to smash the mailbox with as much force as he could muster.

"Dan! DAN! I think you got it." Chris said, running up to his friend.

Dan gave the, now almost completely unrecognizable, mailbox a few more hard hits for good measure. "_Huff…Pufff…_"

"Feel better?" Chris asked.

"Much!" Dan replied with a smile. He turned his head going from calm to irate in a matter of moments. "THAT HOUSE STILL HAS CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP! IT'S APRIL, YOU CRETINS! FEEL THE **WRATH** OF DAN!" Dan held the tire iron high as he screamed at the offending beige house.

Chris quickly wrapped his arms around Dan in a bear hug, pinning his arms to his side.

"LET ME GO!" Dan demanded kicking his legs out as Chris turned back to the car. "THEY MUST PAY! THEY MUST PAY FOR THEIR CRIMES AGAINST _HUMANITY_!"

"Alright Dan, I think it's time to visit Pinkie Pie."

Dan stopped flailing. "Fine! But only because she probably can't go even a couple hours without me before she starts losing her mind." Dan insisted.

-ooooo-

"WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CARS?!" Dan screamed out, motioning angrily to the long line of vehicles in front of the blue sedan. "CHRIS! QUICK! PRETEND THEY'RE PIES!"

"Dan, I can't _eat _cars!" Chris exclaimed. "Well, probably not more than _one_, anyhow!"

"Not with that attitude, you can't." Dan gave an infuriated sigh. "Just take us back to the apartment. The bakery is only three blocks away."

"Well, that's convenient." Chris commented.

"Our lives often are, somehow…" Dan commented in a ponderous tone.

-ooooo-

"Oh, COME ON!" Dan shouted at the long line of potential bakery customers leading out of the bakery and into the parking lot.

Chris took stock of their surroundings. "Holy geez, no wonder traffic is bad. Everyone is trying to come here!" Chris said, looking over the completely full parking lot and its colorful decorations.

"Out of the way, mouth breathers!" Dan yelled out. "I have a roommate to comfort with my _glorious_ presence!" Dan declared, pushing his way through the crowd and into the bakery.

"Uh, hi…sorry, oops…just uh…following that guy…" Chris said meekly as he followed Dan, bumping into people in the line, and collecting dirty looks from the people Dan and him were pushing past.

Dan made his way inside to the center of the packed dining area, threw his arms out wide and dramatically announced. "Behold, Pinkie Pie! Your bestest best friend in the whole wide world has taken time from his busy day to visiGHAH!" Dan found himself interrupted as a pink blur slammed into him, knocking him to the ground.

"DAN! OMIGOSH! I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! IT'S BEEN A _**CRAZY**_ TWO HOURS, TWENTY-THREE MINUTES, TWENTY-EIGHT SECONDS SINCE I SAW YOU LAST!" Pinkie exclaimed from her perch on top of Dan.

"Uh…"

"Ooops! Hold that thought, gotta run!" Pinkie ran off, her long, curly hair trailing behind her as she dashed behind the counter, into the kitchen, and ran back out again with a tray of hot muffins.

Chris helped Dan up to his feet in the crowded bakery. "You two where really made for eachother." Chris commented.

Dan blinked a few times and smiled. "Thanks, buddy."

"Uh, sure." Chris responded.

"HI, CHRIS!"

Chris jumped as Pinkie appeared behind him.

"Ooops! Sorry! Didn't mean to scare ya, it's just super busy and I have to go. See you two in a jiffy!" Pinkie said cheerily, once again dashing off.

"Well, at least she seems to be happy." Chris commented.

Dan narrowed one of his eyes, looking at Chris. "Her hair is more of a mess than usual, and she's apparently covered her hands in Band-Aids." Dan pointed out. "I'm doubting 'happy' is really what she's feeling at the moment."

"Wait…she was here for a few seconds and you could tell all that?"

"There's this thing…it's called '_**looking**__'_, you should try it sometime." Dan replied snidely.

"SO!"

Chris jumped again as Pinkie suddenly appeared from behind Dan.

"What have you two been up to?" Pinkie asked.

Dan turned and stared into open space, Pinkie having already dashed off somewhere.

"Uh…"

"I'm here!" Pinkie said, popping her head out from behind Chris this time.

"Dan's trying to get a job so he can…OW" Chris started to explain before Dan silenced him with a punch to the arm.

"Don't _tell_ her that!" Dan shouted.

"…Tell _who_ what?"

Dan looked up and paused as he tried to process how Chris had suddenly transformed into Wally and why he was suddenly standing behind the counter to the bakery.

"I…uh…what just happened?" Dan asked in a confused tone.

"Hire him!" Pinkie said, standing behind Dan and pointing an index finger wrapped in Band-Aids down at the short man.

"What?" Wally exclaimed.

"_What_?" Dan responded.

"_**Hire him**_!" Pinkie insisted.

Wally looked down at Dan with a confused look that Dan mirrored back at him. "But, he might snap and strangle someone…" Wally argued.

Wally quickly found his vision almost entirely occupied by the face of an exhausted and frustrated woman framed by pink curls as he felt fingers dig into his shirt and apron. "AT THIS RATE, _**I**_ MIGHT SNAP AND STRANGLE SOMEONE!"

Wally gulped. "Well…Does he have any experience?"

"Uhhh…" A confused looking female customer with red hair and freckles interrupted, staring at the seen in front of her.

"What?" Dan asked curtly.

"Erm…One Cranberry Nut Muffin, please?" The woman responded.

"Right away, ma'am." Wally responded as he began a flustered search through the display case.

Dan rolled his eyes and pushed Wally out of the way. "You're embarrassing yourself!" Dan declared. He took a quick glance at the contents of the display case, and fished out a muffin dotted with red berries and slivers of nuts. He handed the muffin to the woman who held out a few dollars. Pinkie happily took the money and quickly made change in the register.

Wally adjusted his glasses and looked at Dan. "You knew what it looked like?"

"Gee! I wonder!" Dan responded irately. "I've only helped Pinkie bake a few _hundred_ times. Plus I can actually eat those, since there's no milk. Just two cups flour, three quarters cup brown sugar, two teaspoons baking powder, two large eggs, two thirds cups orange juice, one third cup vegetable oil, one cup chopped cranberries, and a cup of chopped pecans."

Pinkie and Wally paused and simply stared at Dan as a smile slowly established itself on Pinkie's blank face.

"Chocolate cupcake ingredients." Pinkie stated simply.

"The filling, the cupcake, or the frosting?" Dan asked. "Because the cupcakes are three ounces bittersweet chocolate, one third cup Dutch-processed cocoa powder, three quarters…"

Pinkie's grin widened as she held up a hand to silence Dan. "My rainbow frosting."

"Oh, uh…You use one and one half sticks of unsalted butter, a pound of confectioner's sugar, and two tablespoons of milk for the white frosting then you color it with, pomegranate juice for red, carrot juice for orange, ground turmeric for yellow, spinach juice for green, blue berry juice for blue, grape juice for purple, and a combination of grape juice and pomegranate juice for violet_GAHK!_"

Dan suddenly felt himself in a crushing embrace.

"Dan! You wonderful, _incredible _human being, you!" Pinkie said exuberantly as she squeezed her roomie. She broke the embrace to place fingertips on either side of Dan's face as she stared into his green eyes. "You memorized all my recipes!"

"I uh…I guess I did." Dan replied in mildly surprised tone.

Pinkie turned back to Wally. "**HIRE HIM**!" She demanded.

Wally put on a pensive expression. "You'll keep him from assaulting the customers?"

Pinkie smiled and nodded vigorously. "Promise!"

Wally sighed. "If you're sure…"

"I'm surer than I have ever been of anything in my entire life!" Pinkie declared. She quickly turned towards the kitchen "C'mon, Dan! We have_GHK_!" Pinkie felt her shirt color tighten around her neck as Dan reached up and snagged her collar as she tried to walk away.

Dan grabbed her by the arms and quickly spun her around to face him. He reached up to her face, putting a hand on either cheek and pulled her head down a few inches so she was staring him in the eye on a level plane.

"_I'LL_ bake." Dan insisted. "You can work the register."

"But, I…" Pinkie protested.

"Your hair is in shambles, your hands are a _**mess**_, and you look like you're about to collapse!" Dan stated forcefully. "Now are you going to sit here and fill orders, or am I going to have to chain you to the counter?"

Pinkie frowned. "Alright, Dan." She responded, she smiled as she placed her hands on Dan's and slowly lowered them off her cheeks. "Now get in the kitchen and start baking! We need more…_**everything**__!"_

Dan paused. "Everything?"

Pinkie nodded as her eyes widened and she put on a serious expression. "**Ev**-**ree**-_**thing**_**!**"

Dan sighed. "Alright, Wally. You're with me."

"I am?" Wally asked.

"I can't eat over half this stuff and there are _**CARS**_ lining up to get here!" Dan explained in an irritated tone.

"WHAT?!" Pinkie exclaimed, looking out into the packed dining area with despair.

"Yes!" Dan pointed at Wally. "So you're helping me bake," he turned and pointed to Pinkie, "and you're not to move from that _spot _until I say otherwise, got it?"

Pinkie sighed and nodded. "Yes, sir." She replied.

Dan gave her a small smile. "Good." He turned back to Wally. "Come on! We apparently have some _**everything**_ to bake."

Wally wordlessly followed Dan into the kitchen.

-ooooo-

"Alright you two," Wally said walking out of the office, "you can take a break."

Dan looked up from the display case as he added another Rainbow colored cupcake to it.

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief and wiped sweat from her forehead with her shirt sleeve, Wally took her place at the register.

"You're done getting over your fake heart attack?" Dan asked with a furrowed brow.

"Uh…yeah…" Wally responded, dabbing at his forehead with his handkerchief. "And it looks like we're finally ahead of the rush."

"Do we have a first-aid kit?" Dan asked.

Pinkie and Wally looked at Dan quizzically.

"Yes, it's in the office." Wally answered.

"Alright, I'll get it." He turned to Pinkie. "You! Kitchen sink!" He ordered.

"Uh, sure Dan." She responded.

Pinkie walked into the kitchen in the back where she waited patiently.

Dan soon entered carrying a small first aid kit. He set it on the counter next to the sink. "Alright, fess up, what did you do to your hands?"

Pinkie winced. "I kinda grabbed a tray out of the oven without using an oven mitt or a cloth…"

Dan fixed her with a stare.

Pinkie looked to the side pensively. "Erm…like…six or seven times."

Dan smacked his palm against his forehead. "You really are hopeless, sometimes, you know that."

Pinkie's expression changed to a pout. "Sorry! We were really busy and I was doing so many things at once and I sort of forgot I needed to protect my hands."

"How can you forget _that_ six or seven times?!" Dan exclaimed.

"Well, I've only had them for a few months!" Pinkie said, waving her hands about.

Dan sighed, and turned on the sink, "Also, Band-aids? You can't just wrap adhesive strips around burns, you numbskull!"

"I was in a hurry!" Pinkie protested.

Dan grabbed Pinkie's wrists with his hands and ran them under the cool running water.

Pinkie winced as the water hit her hand, but then relaxed slightly as the water dulled the throbbing pain.

"Not going to lie, this is probably going to suck." Dan stated as he started tugging at a soggy Band-Aid.

Pinkie whimpered as Dan began removing bandages, rubbing her hands with the cool water and cleaning her splotchy, red skin as he went. To Pinkie's surprise, after a while she found herself enjoying the attention and contact, as painful as it was.

"Thank you, Dan." Pinkie said softly. "I'm not sure what I'd do without you…"

"Probably die in a gutter somewhere." Dan responded.

Pinkie giggled. "Sounds about right."

Dan removed Pinkie's now clean hands and began gently toweling them off with some paper towels. Dan sighed, "I can't even leave you alone for a few hours without you making a mess of yourself."

Pinkie pouted, but it slowly gave way to a small smile. "I'll guess you'll just have to keep an eye on me at all times, then. Won't you?"

Dan began slowly one of Pinkie's hand in gauze. "I guess I can live with that." Dan said, slowly looking up into Pinkie's big, sky-blue eyes with a smile.

Pinkie felt her heart flutter as she stared back into Dan's green eyes. "Dan, I…"

Dan placed an index finger on Pinkie's lips. "You talk too much." He said, leaning up slightly towards Pinkie's face.

Pinkie felt her face go warm as she closed her eyes leaned in close and…

"Hey, Guys! Could you tell me where the bathroom is? I'm a little lost."

Dan and Pinkie synchronized turning and fixing their interruption with an angry glare. "CHRIS!" They both shouted.

"Uh…sorry…am I interrupting something?"

Dan grumbled irritably. "Why are you still here?!"

Chris frowned. "When Pinkie grabbed you, I decided I wanted some cupcakes!"

"That was over an hour ago!" Dan exclaimed.

"Well…waiting in line made me hungrier than I thought, so I had to get more!" Chris explained.

Dan's face flushed red with rage as his mouth contorted angrily.

Pinkie pointed towards the door behind Chris. "Out that door," She pointed left, "to the left", She made a walking like motion with her index and middle finger with her now gauze covered fingers, "Down the hall, the door will be right there." She answered

Chris smiled. "Thanks Pinkie." He quickly looked at Dan and flashed him a thumbs up and goofy smile before disappearing out the door.

"And that's where they'll find your body." Pinkie added cryptically, slowly walking after Chris. She stopped when she felt a tug on her wrist.

"Hold up, killer, I still need to wrap up one of your hands, _then_ you can go kill my best friend."

Pinkie stopped and turned around. "Sorry Dan, I guess I shouldn't lose my head like…"

"I wasn't joking." Dan responded with a small devilish smile.

Pinkie chuckled. "You know what? I think I can let Chris go." She placed her wrapped hand on Dan's cheek and leaned in. "His mistake is easy to fix." Pinkie purred.

Dan frowned. "Something is going to happen."

Pinkie paused and blinked a few times. "What?"

"Something _**always **_happens, it's like there's some sort of malevolent force out there that's toying with us for its own, sick, twisted amusement." Dan observed.

Pinkie thought about this for a second, glared into open air and mouthed an angry '_**Forever**__'_. She sighed, and turned back to Dan with a smile. "Well…it couldn't hurt to _**try**_, right?"

Dan smiled and leaned up again, his face almost touching Pinkie's, "I guess not." He murmured, his lips brushing against hers as he spoke.

Pinkie gasped and…

Screams erupted from the dining area.

Pinkie smacked her hand against her forehead. "_OWIE_!" she exclaimed as she slammed her burnt and raw skin against her face.

Dan quickly grabbed Pinkie's hand and began running it under cool water, again.

Wally appeared in the doorway this time. "I uh…hate to cut your break short, but apparently there's a horde of giant radioactive hamsters terrorizing the neighborhood." He explained, toweling away at his forehead with a drenched handkerchief.

Dan sighed. "Radioactive hamsters, got it. We'll be right there." He responded with disinterest.

Pinkie gave a soft whimper. "This _can't _go on forever, right, _**right**_?!" She asked.

"Well, I'm _sure_ the hamsters will move on, eventually." Wally responded.

"_I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THAT_!" Pinkie responded shrilly.

Dan pondered this for a moment, staring at the ceiling briefly. "Maybe something needs to happen first." Dan mused.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

Dan shrugged. "We'll figure it out, soon, I'm sure."

Pinkie exhaled. "We better, I'm not sure how much more of this I can take!"

"Uh…" Wally began, "I don't want to be a killjoy but…"

Dan motioned out to Wally in a 'shoo, shoo' fashion. "Just go hide under the desk in the office or something. Let me finish wrapping up Pinkie's hands and I'll go scream angrily at the hamsters and hit them with a rolled up newspaper or something."

"You think that'll work?" Pinkie asked.

"I have _**a lot **_of anger at the moment," Dan replied, "And I've found rolled up paper surprisingly effective against large, furry beasts."

"I like the plan, because I get to hide." Wally explained before dashing out of view.

Dan pulled Pinkie's hand out of the water and began toweling it off, again. "Wanna help me scream at creatures created by man's hubris at playing God with, small, furry rodents?" Dan asked. "I bet we can still get Chris out of the bathroom and force him to play distraction." Dan added.

Pinkie's smile finally returned. "You know what? That _does_ sound like fun." She replied. "Bandage me up and lets go kick some hamster tail and watch Chris run around and scream like a scared little girl."

Dan smiled as he began wrapping Pinkie's hand in gauze. "That's the spirit."

-ooooo-

Pinkie and Dan wearily pulled themselves up the stairs to the apartment, they each had an arm draped over the other's shoulders as if they were simultaneously trying to help and get support from the other. Dan laboriously gripped the railing dragging the two roommates up and Pinkie placed a gauze covered hand on the wall, doing the same.

"Stupid baking, stupid hamsters, stupid paperwork…" Dan mumbled exhaustedly.

"It's okay Dan, we'll get an early start on baking tomorrow." She smiled at Dan. "I'm sure with _both_ of us working together, it won't be so bad." She added hopefully.

Dan sighed as the two made it up to the walkway and continued towards the apartment. "How early is 'early'." He asked.

Pinkie's smile went pensive. "Well…the bakery opens at seven am, and we'll want a few hours to get started, soo…"

"WHAT?!"

"It's okay! I'll show up early!" Pinkie suggested. "You can get some rest!"

Dan glanced at the gauze covered hand resting on his shoulder. "And what? Show up to find you burned your lips because you grabbed a tray with your mouth, or caught your hair in a cake-mixer? I don't think so." Dan said, fishing his keys out of his pocket and unlocking the apartment door. "I'm coming even if you have to _drag_ me there."

Pinkie giggled. "If you insist."

Dan nodded. "I _do_ insist…though, you might really have to drag me…" He added, opening the door.

"Meow!" Mr. Mumbles mewed excitedly and bounded up to greet Dan and Pinkie.

Dan and Pinkie walked over to the couch. Dan leaned down and deposited Pinkie onto the blue cushions and stood up. "Alright, I'll feed Mr. Mumbles and make us some dinner." Dan declared.

"Uh…what do I do?" Pinkie asked.

"You just sit there and look adorable." Dan said with a smile.

Pinkie expression changed to surprise and she blushed slightly. "Well, _someone _is being a Mr. nicey nice pants, today."

"Eh, you earned it. You worked hard today." Dan responded.

"Not any harder than you!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"You also burned the heck out of your hands." Dan reminded.

Pinkie raised her gauze covered hands in front of her face. "Oh…right…" She said with a nervous smile.

One fed cat and two fed humans later.

Dan deposited a couple dishes and some flatware in the sink, walked back to the couch, and sat down as Pinkie wasted no time and plopping her head down on his lap, smiling with an exhausted expression up at Dan, a smile that widened as Dan mirrored it and began brushing pink, curly strands away from her face.

"Bed?" Dan offered.

"I think I'm fine here." Pinkie responded sleepily.

"Me, too." Dan responded with a soft smile. "Though, waking up might be problematic without an alarm."

Pinkie reached into one of her pocket and pulled out her phone, she turned it on, swiped the screen a few times with a thin, pink nail polished finger wrapped in white gauze, tapped the screen a few times, and sat it on the crate that served as a coffee table. "There, now neither of us needs to move."

Dan chuckled. "I still need to get up to turn off the lights, at least."

Pinkie reached into her pockets again and pulled out a collection of various colorful and cute looking key chains all grouped together in a large mass. She eyed the light switch next to apartment door and lobbed the weighty metal and plastic mass at it, hitting it, and successfully catching the switch. The lights went out leaving the two in the dark of the small apartment.

"Nice shot." Dan commented.

"Thanks." Pinkie yawned out.

Dan ran a hand through Pinkie's long hair briefly. He gave his hand a tug and frowned in the darkness.

"Uh…Pinkie? I think I'm stuck…"

Pinkie's gentle snoozing was his only reply.

Dan sighed and shook his head.

_Great. Looks like I'm stuck here for the night…_

He felt Pinkie turn and nuzzle into him, raising her hands, resting one under her head and gently resting one on his stuck hand.

Dan smiled to himself.

_I guess that's not so bad…_

"Hey, Pinkie?" Dan called, making sure she was fast asleep more than anything.

"Zzzzzzz," was Pinkie's response.

"I love you." Dan whispered into the darkness, smiling to himself as the gentle snores of the woman sleeping on his lap slowly lulled him to sleep.


End file.
